Teenage Icebergs by Thomas Brooks

2011 Thomas Brooks All Rights Reserved No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from the publishers. The publisher makes no representation, express or implied, with regard to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and cannot accept any legal responsibility or liability in whole or in part for any errors or omissions that may be made. The reader should verify the applicability of the information to particular situations and check the references prior to any reliance thereupon. Since the information contained in the book is multidisciplinary, international and professional in nature, the reader is urged to consult with an appropriate licensed professional prior to taking any action or making any interpretation that is within the realm of a licensed professional practice. The author and the publisher specifically disclaim any liability, loss or risk which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this work. For questions on how to purchase a book, make donations, plan a speaking engagement or general Q and A please email Thomas: teenageicebergs@gmail.com

FIRST EDITION

This Book was Inspired by Dr. David Drew Pinsky and Adam Carolla

And Dedicated to Kaia, Ezra and Mihaela Mihaela

Table of Contents INTRODUCTION ........................................................................................................................... 7 MY STORY ..................................................................................................................................... 7 TEENAGE ICEBERGS ................................................................................................................. 12 CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL OF A TEENAGE ICEBERG .............................................. 26 ABUSE AND NEGLECT .............................................................................................................. 28 PHYSICAL ABUSE ...................................................................................................................... 28 SEXUAL ABUSE .......................................................................................................................... 35 VERBAL ABUSE ......................................................................................................................... 49 PARENTS WHO ARE VERBALLY ABUSIVE……….……………..........................................51

CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSE VICTIMS .............................................................................. 53 NEGLECT ..................................................................................................................................... 54 ABUSED BY CONTROLLING OR LOOSE PARENTS ............................................................. 62 ABANDONMENT ........................................................................................................................ 64 GIRLS ATTRACTED TO "POWERFUL" OR UNAVAILABLE MALES…….........................66

GANGS AND ABUSE .................................................................................................................. 68 EXERCISE FOR DEALING WITH TRAUMA ........................................................................... 69 SEX ................................................................................................................................................ 74 TEENS NOT READY TO HAVE SEX ......................................................................................... 74 2

TEEN PREGNANCY .................................................................................................................... 80 CODEPENDENCE/RESCUERS................................................................................................... 86 RESCUER’S CHECKLIST ........................................................................................................... 97 CODEPENDENCE AND ADDICTION ..................................................................................... 100 ROLES CHILDREN PLAY…………………………………………………………………….104 ENTITLEMENT .......................................................................................................................... 120 DEPRESSION AND ANGER ..................................................................................................... 121 INSIGHT INTO BEHAVIOR AND PERSON TO PERSON RELATIONSHIPS……………..127 LIVING A FULFILLING LIFE VS. BEING ANTISOCIAL ..................................................... 129 5 THINGS WE MUST DO TO BE FULFILLED ....................................................................... 131 THERAPY ................................................................................................................................... 158 CONCLUSION ............................................................................................................................ 160 RESOURCES .............................................................................................................................. 163 DEFINITIONS………………………………………………………………………………….165

Forward The teenage years are both a time of wonder and of wondering. Wonder at the amazing transformation that is occurring and wondering about what the end result of that transformation will be. Even in the best of situations there are times of great doubt and fear, but when teens are exposed to difficult situations those times can become devastating to the development of a normal, emotionally stable adult. To the teenager that is reading this book, Thomas has given an opportunity to understand why you feel and act as you do as a result of these difficult situations. Read his words with an open mind and heart and use his recommendations to start you back on the road that leads to you becoming all you were meant to be. To the parents of teenagers that are reading this book, Thomas has given an opportunity to understand why your teenager behaves as he or she does. Please take this information and use it to restore relationships that may have become damaged due to the misunderstanding that arise from being unsure of the right way to help your teen work their way through some very difficult years. May God bless all of you as you help each other become all that he has intended for you to be.

Ronald S. Kent, M.D. Pediatrician and Medical Director

This book is not about blaming your parents. This book is about understanding what we have been through and where those experiences lead us. I believe your parents have done the best they could. Your parents were raised by their parents and they were raised by their parents and so on. We are all products of our parents and they give us what they have, both biologically and through their teaching. They love us and want the best for us. This book is not about assigning blame it is about awareness.

Introduction My Story When I was a teenager, I watched a lot of movies and music videos. You know how it is; probably every other movie, TV show, or song is about people falling in love. “Why does every guy on TV get obsessed with some girl”, I’d ask myself. I was sixteen years old and had never been in love, didn’t know what it felt like, and had no clue what all the fuss was about. I assumed I would go through life feeling that way forever, not knowing how to love. That was all before I met Carrie Anne. I had been at a new school for about four months and had frequently seen Carrie Anne passing in the hall. I figured she was completely out of my league and never devoted much energy into trying to get her to like me. Miraculously, somehow, even with my passivity, just before the high school Halloween dance, one of Carrie Anne’s friends told me that Carrie Anne would go to the dance with me if I asked her. This blew my mind. “How could she be interested in me?” I asked myself. It turns out she had been dating a guy three years older than we were and the rumor was that they had even “gone all the way.” If emotional love was a mystery, sex was beyond my comprehension. I felt I didn’t know where to begin or how to talk to her; I wouldn’t know how to relate to her. It was as though I was dealing with a “woman” while I was still just a boy. But, in spite of all of this, I swallowed my insecurities, asked, and she said yes! I went and rented a costume the next day. Well, actually, I couldn’t afford a costume so I borrowed my dad’s sweater and went as Bill Cosby. Two weeks later, as I walked into her house to pick her up I fell in love with Carrie Anne right then and there. She looked amazing, smelled amazing, and was more sophisticated than any girl I had ever met. The evening went perfectly and the next day I woke up with feelings I had never before experienced. I was in love! I looked at the photos of the night before of Carrie Anne and me standing in front of a cardboard pumpkin and plastic scarecrow, and I started to cry. Man, it was actually comforting to know I could fall in love. The cheesy love songs actually started to make sense; I knew what they were singing about! 6

It was literally a once in a lifetime experience. And I told her how I felt; I was following her around like a puppy. I was sending her flowers; I was writing poetry for her and calling her three or four times a day. The relationship was fine for about two months. Then, Carrie Anne started to ignore me; she would not return my calls. I only had one class with her, civics, and she would not even sit close to me. No, she would sit next to other guys. I was devastated. What had happened? What did I do? “Why doesn’t she like me anymore?” I would ask her friends. One afternoon, I went to study hall during sixth period like I always did. After about thirty minutes the teacher asked me to come into the hall with her. “What’s wrong with you, are you sick?” she asked. I looked at her right in the eyes and began to sob loudly. I hadn’t cried like that since I fell off of my skateboard when I was nine. My knees buckled and I collapsed onto the teacher. “Carrie Anne dumped me,” I squealed through my tears. The study hall teacher hugged me and gently said, “I know it hurts, you’ll be OK.” “No I won’t. This is the end of the world as I know it,” I thought to myself. She comforted me, “Everyone goes through this; it’s part of growing up.” I remember thinking, “No way; no one has ever gone through this, I am the first ever. No this girl is special. She is the one.” I dried my tears and went back into the study hall classroom. Everyone in the classroom had heard me crying, so you can imagine that my “buddies” never let me live that one down. I believe I was called “Super Wuss” for at least two more years. About a week after this happened one of Carrie Anne’s friends, Mia, asked me to call her because she wanted to tell me something. I was thinking to myself, “Great! Mia is going to inform me that Carrie Anne wants me back!” So I gave her a call: “Hey Mia, its Thomas.” I struggled to make small talk for a couple of minutes so I didn’t appear desperate. Finally I came out with it, “So does Carrie Anne want to get back together with me?” 7

Mia let out a half laugh, the one that means “you’re joking right?” Then Mia said something to me that changed my life for the next thirteen years. Mia said something to me that went against everything I had ever learned about love; it went against everything I had seen in the movies and heard in song lyrics. She said, “Thomas, getting Carrie Anne to get back with you is easy, just ignore her and be mean to her.” “………wha, wha, what………how is that going to get me closer to Carrie Anne?” I asked, in the most tyrannical voice I could muster. “Look Thomas,” Mia went on, “have you met Carrie Anne’s last boyfriend, Jonathan? I mean I know you know of him, right?” “Yea, I know him….so?” “Welllllll……what kind of guy is he?” Mia asked me in her best valley girl voice, even though she was from Alabama. “He’s a jerk,” I commented without pause. “Concurred,” Mia spouted, “and have you met her dad?” “No, I haven’t,” I told her. “Well, I have and he is a bigger jerk than Jonathan. Carrie Anne told me that he beats her and her two brothers, and he always calls them ‘stupid and worthless.’” Mia continued, “The more Jonathan ignores her, the more she likes him.” “When Carrie Anne refused to sleep with him he just stopped talking to her and she then had sex with him just to start getting his attention again.” I then said to Mia in a confused voice, “Wow, she would hardly even kiss me.” “Yea, ‘cause you are nice,” Mia stated, as if it were obvious. This realization absolutely blew my mind. It completely changed the way I looked at relationships. How could this be? Finally Mia laughed, “It works like a charm.” I thought to myself, “OK, this is crazy,” but I was desperate and told Mia I would try it. The next day I went to school and did not say a word to Carrie Anne. I did not try to get close to her. I did not hang out by her locker. When I passed her in the hall, I did not give her the stink eye or try to appear angry, no no no, I just smiled and kept walking. AFTER ONE DAY, she came around. After just one day of acting this way, she came up to me at my 8

locker at the end of school and asked me what I had been up to and what I was going to do on the weekend. It worked! After a couple of weeks of ignoring her she was all over me and calling every night. But, I did not call her, I did not meet her, I did not attempt to do anything with her. I thought, “If I just continue to treat her like dirt, she’ll be head over heels in love with me.” I had her in the palm of my hand, but somehow that didn’t make me happy. Nagging doubts followed me everywhere I went and echoed my every word: “Wow…now you’re an abuser, just like her dad and exboyfriend. You’re the jerk.” I was miserable. It may seem ridiculous or outlandish, but I went through the next thirteen years of my life treating women like dirt to get them to like me. What kind of women do you think were attracted to me? If you guessed women that came from abusive families you would be right. The strategy Mia taught me in eighth grade was incredibly effective…and incredibly unfulfilling. What if I had gotten married to a person under this false pretense? What if we would have had children? What type of environment would they have grown When someone does not up in? My daughter would be just like Carrie Anne; attracted to abusive guys that mirrored leave an abusive her father (me). Think about it; if a person is being relationship, it suggests they abused in a relationship, either mentally or physically, we would think logic would tell have been traumatized as a them to flee that relationship. But, if a person child. has suffered trauma like abuse or neglect while growing up, then they will not use this logic; they will be motivated to stay with the person and even become more dependent as the abuser becomes more abusive. When someone does not leave an abusive relationship, it suggests they have been traumatized as a child. What is considered trauma when it comes to children? It is when a child experiences abuse, neglect or an incident where the child feels powerless and believes that they are in grave danger. Trauma shatters a child’s ability to regulate their emotions. When humans are scared, we run to 9

other people. Children run to their caretaker. If the caretaker is the abuser, then the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s brain becomes attracted to abusers. That child will be likely to form attachments with abusive, unavailable, or chaotic people. They will feel as though their life depends on being with the dysfunctional person. This is the long-term consequence of trauma as a result of abuse or neglect. When humans are The purpose of this book is to present true scenarios like mine with scared, we run to other Carrie Anne, so that you might find yourself or someone you know in this people. Children run to book, recognize unhealthy, destructive behaviors, and realize their caretaker. If the what healthy behavior looks like. And thus you can know what will lead to caretaker is the abuser, happiness or unhappiness. This book will not fix your problems but it will then the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s brain help you become aware of issues you need to address. I sought treatment for becomes attracted to this and other issues I had. Now I have extremely fulfilling abusers. relationships, including a great marriage, and I could not be happier. For Carrie Anne, after a series of destructive relationships and marriages, she finally received treatment and is happily married today. If you were abused, neglected, or traumatized, this book will help you realize it and hopefully motivate you to get those issues treated. If not for yourself, you can apply this knowledge to someone that has suffered these kinds of issues. Seeking treatment for a behavior or mental issue does not mean you are crazy or weak; it means you are smart and strong and not scared to get healthy. It takes a brave person to admit they need help, and seeking help and feeling better is what life is really all about.

Teenage Icebergs An iceberg is a piece of ice that has broken off from a glacier and is floating around in open water following the current. Only 10% of the iceberg can be seen by people unless they have diving gear or a submarine and can go underneath the surface. The shape and size of the underwater portion can be difficult to judge by looking at the portion above the surface. This has lead to the expression “tip of the iceberg.” “Tip of the iceberg” refers to the problem or difficulty we can see that is only a small part of a much larger problem. Oftentimes, parts of an iceberg’s underwater section break off and float to the surface where they would be visible to anyone in the area. Now this time you read the paragraph try to think of yourself as an iceberg.

An iceberg (you) is a piece of ice (a person) that has broken off from a glacier (you are gaining independence from your parents or care provider) and is floating around in open water (you are trying to find your way in the world and negotiate obstacles) following the current (you are living according to the structure or lack of structure you were provided in the home and at school and with your friends). Only 10% of the iceberg can be seen by people (other people only see your behavior and your appearance; they do not see your history or your genetics) unless they have diving gear or a submarine and can go underneath the surface (your behavior and past experiences cannot be addressed unless you are willing go deep and talk honestly with another person). The shape of the underwater portion can be difficult to judge by looking at the portion above the surface (the physical part of the person is not the whole story; there are many emotional issues underlying their behavior and actions that would tell a more realistic story). This has lead to the expression “tip of the iceberg.” “Tip of the iceberg” refers to the problem or difficulty we can see that is only a small example of a larger problem (if we do not recognize and deal with our underlying issues they can have a negative effect on the rest of our lives). Oftentimes, parts of an iceberg’s underwater section break off and float to the surface where they are visible to anyone in the area (suppressed emotions and feelings often come to the surface and the person’s behavior is visibly affected by these suppressed emotions and repressed feelings).

Carrie Anne was the prettiest person I had ever seen in my life. She looked like a statue of a Roman goddess. But what was below the surface? What had happened to her? We are all icebergs, and the hidden portion lurking beneath the surface has a great impact on how we behave and how we live our lives. This book is about recognizing all the issues hidden under the water and coming to terms with them so they cannot and do not destroy us. Just think about the Titanic. It was the largest ship in the world and it was brought down by a portion of a single iceberg that people could not see. We cannot change our genetics and we cannot change our past experiences. We can, however, learn how our genetics and past experiences make us feel and act. Then, if we so desire, we can change our behavior and deal with our emotions. What we think we are feeling is usually only a small part of what is really going on. Maybe we think that all we feel is anger, but as we learn how to express our feelings with words we learn that what we think we feel as anger is really a whole bunch of emotions that are just below the surface. Thus it makes sense to talk about anger as the tip of the iceberg. All of the behaviors we can see are just symptoms. We go through life doing certain things Oftentimes we blame and acting in certain ways because they are other people but, symptoms of the sub-surface part of the iceberg. Oftentimes we blame other people, but ultimately we ultimately, we are are responsible for almost everything that happens to responsible for most us once we become young adults.

everything that happens to us once we become young adults.

In American society, we typically attack behaviors we do not like instead of trying to determine the underlying emotions that caused the problems in the first place. This is fixing the symptoms without fixing the problem. Remember the movie? The Titanic managed to dodge the part of the iceberg that could be seen, yet it could not avoid the mass below the surface. Fixing the surface problems does not make us emotionally healthy; the issues people cannot see are what will bring down lots of ships.

Negative behavior such as hostility, drug/alcohol addiction, anger, acting out, chaos and aggression are like the tip of the iceberg, they are the symptoms society can see. Naturally, parents, schools and government try to get rid of behaviors they find offensive. If these emotions They might attempt to change the behavior by spanking, are not talked yelling, detention, suspension, fines, prison, etc. Sometimes about (with these methods work and the unwanted behavior goes away. trustworthy people) BUT, if the problems under the surface that caused the and addressed, then behavior are not dealt with, then chances are this unwanted the person who is behavior is going to resurface just like a piece of the not dealing with underwater iceberg breaking off and bobbing up to the surface. Repressed emotions are going to resurface over and the emotion will over and with worse and worse consequences the longer they start to act out in go untreated. Negative emotions and experiences, along with ways that will get personality and genetics, can cause negative behavior. There them in trouble. is nothing anyone can do about their genetics, but we can address emotions and past experiences. Parents and teachers, cops and judges want to solve the problem. They want to make the negative behavior go away. But what if the attempted correction makes the situation worse? What would happen if these authority figures realized there was something going on underneath the surface that is causing this so-called â&#x20AC;&#x153;acting out?â&#x20AC;? What if they search for the problems under the surface? When searching for the emotions underneath the surface it is crucial to listen to what the person is saying and what they are going through, because the only way to deal with the negative emotion is to get them out in the open and deal with them. If these emotions are not talked about (with trustworthy people) and addressed, then the person who is not dealing with the emotion will start to act out in ways that will get them in trouble. There are some very heavy issues discussed in this book â&#x20AC;&#x201C; physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, sex, anger, anxiety, depression and co-dependency to name a few. It is written that way on purpose because if you are a teenager living in America then you are dealing with some really heavy issues. Everyone should care about these icebergs (i.e. teenagers in modern America). 14

Most young people think their life is fine and they do not have issues. That attitude is perfectly normal because they do not have any point of reference to cause them to change their thinking. They assume that the way they are feeling and the way their family is acting is typical. Sometimes it is. But, as they get older they will start to see that some behaviors need to be addressed and changed. If young people do not understand their People who have fruitful emotional dysfunction it might cause serious problems. I know that a lot of lives are able to regulate you reading this feel you do not need to deal with any behaviors, maybe anxiety and do not make because there has not been any consequences or maybe because you their own lives more difficult were just unaware of the inappropriate behavior. Maybe you are not going by their own behaviors. through the issues that are addressed in this book; however, you must deal with your own emotions and other people’s icebergs for the rest of your life. If you understand these issues, people will not be such a mystery to you. Here is a fact that is not so mysterious. People who have fruitful lives are able to regulate anxiety and do not make their own lives more difficult by their own behaviors. Maybe they have suffered abuse, neglect, or trauma but they have learned to not become overwhelmed by it. Your life is whatever you make of it. If you come from a traumatic background, you will be motivated, whether you mean to or not, to make your life difficult. So, as a teenager, why get into these horrible patterns? Why start using drugs? Why start dating abusive people? Why start having sex just to get attention from guys? Why be with an abuser? Why have unprotected sex? Don’t start down that path; you will gather momentum and the next thing you know you are thirty-five and your life stinks. And I know it is hard to believe this could happen to you, BUT it will. It happened to me. In the old days, the powers that be would get people to act right by starting a myth. For example, if a tribe did not want women to have sex before they were married they would tell them, “If you have premarital sex a monster will come from the sea and eat you.” 15

Alternately, they might tell people Zeus would punish them with a lightning bolt if they stole from a neighbor. I am not going to do that with you. “I’m keep’n it real,” to quote Chris Rock. This book comes at you with rational thoughts. It shows you patterns of behavior. It gives you real life examples and hopes you can see the patterns for yourself and act accordingly. If you see yourself in these scenarios, it is society’s sincere hope that you will seek help from a health professional so that your chances for success and happiness in life are increased dramatically. Rational thought and reality can be very heavy and overwhelming; however, so make sure you have a support structure in place when you start to take on these issues. This support system can be responsible family members, responsible/healthy friends, school counselors, doctors, churches, or support groups. These types of support systems provide help in areas where people feel they are out of control or do not know what to do. This book emphasizes therapy because therapists receive many years of training to assist people with the issues discussed in this book. Therapists are professionals who help people understand their own emotions and a good therapist or school counselor will give a person or family the tools to get emotionally healthy and happy. I hope this information provides guidance to those of you who are struggling with difficult issues or have someone in your life who is struggling with challenging problems.

A key point to remember: History

Predicts Future

â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Things that happen to us as children have a huge influence on everything that comes after childhood. The type of person you are has everything to do with how you were raised and your genetics. When we talk about history predicting the future, we mean that the traumas experienced during childhood shape our emotional and physical well being for the rest of our lives. As stated earlier, when a child experiences abuse, neglect, or an incident where the child feels powerless and believes they are under serious threat, they are scared.

When humans are scared we do not run into the forest, we run to other people. Children run to their care provider (Mom, Dad, grandparent, etc.). If the person that is providing care is also providing abuse, then the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s brain becomes attracted to abusers. That child will be likely to form attachments with abusive, unavailable, or chaotic people because they feel loved by the abuse. As relationships become more abusive attachments become stronger. They will feel as though their life depends on being with the abusive person, of course they feel this way, when they were young their life depended on an abusive person. If you or someone you know is constantly in and out of abusive relationships, take a look at the care provider that raised them or neglected them and see what kind of environment was provided. People who have been traumatized look for people to re-enact the trauma with. They try to re-create the trauma. They will develop relationships that lead to more traumas. Their feeling of low self worth could

even attract abusers. Self-esteem is directly related to the attainment of the loving and care you receive from your primary caretakers. Your whole sense of self is developed from your parents and if there is not adequate nourishment given to you, then you will often feel deserving of neglect or if the parent is abusive, you will probably feel you are deserving of abuse. Put another way: your sense of who you are can become “I need to be abused since that is what I am worth.” A lot of people like to pretend that the way someone was raised does not have anything The more a child to do with the type of person they become. The fact is the way you were raised has everything to do with the type person you are. gets “messed The more you get “messed with” as a kid by a care provider, the more you are going to with” as a kid by want to rebel against adults that come into your life. Teachers, coaches, cops, and adults in general become your parents/care provider and a care provider, you act out on them. You will look for authority the more they are figures to power struggle with and they will be the recipients of the anger you have towards your parent (or adult that treated you poorly). going to want to Also, the more a child is neglected by one or both parents the more they will struggle with rebel against authority. According to research, virtually all boys that grow up without a present male role adults that come model have trouble regulating aggression (they have trouble controlling their anger and act out violently). into their life. People that are victimized when they are children could also go through life acting as victims. At some point, all of us are victims. The trauma survivor, however, thinks that they do not cause bad things to happen; bad things only happen to them by no fault of their own. They do not see their role as ever being bad. They may think, “How could I cause this dysfunction? I’m the victim.” 18

There is hope, however. No matter what type of upbringing we experienced, there is a way out. If someone gets involved in treatment, the drive to continue these self-destructive behaviors decreases or the behaviors at least become less satisfying and less gratifying because the person is dealing with the source of that energy. But, if you deny your feelings it will only lead to unhappiness. Unfortunately, society is not going to help very much. What “quick” help does American society offer adolescents who don’t feel good? If a

If you deny your feelings it will only lead to unhappiness. person does not feel good it is easy to use drugs, alcohol, sex, video games, porn, Internet, fantasy games, or shopping to feel better. Some teenagers cut themselves to feel better. It's usually hard for parents to understand why their teen would cut themselves on purpose. Teens cut themselves for several reasons. Among them: • • • • •

For release of pent-up emotional stress. To express anger or other negative emotions. To exert an element of control when their lives seem out of control. To feel something other than emptiness, even if what they feel is pain. To punish themselves because they feel inadequate or worthless.

Teens that cut themselves, use drugs, become enveloped in fantasy games, and engage in other destructive behavior usually lack coping skills to deal with strong emotions, intense stress, or relationship problems. Without healthy ways to deal with what they feel inside, tension builds up to an unbearable level until the teen seeks relief through these means. And, hey, those things work - at least for a while. These things make people feel better in the short term. But when these things are taken away, the user is going to feel absolutely terrible and empty. Wanting to fill that emptiness again and again often leads to addiction, disease, depression, and dysfunction. 19

The “solution” thus becomes a problem; a big problem. These behaviors, the ones we use to make us feel better, actually cause shame, which will lead to more shame. And the unfortunate reality is that people that come from traumatic backgrounds will often find that drugs are the quickest way to resolve these feelings of anxiety and shame. Make no mistake about it; drugs and alcohol will initially regulate the nervousness, anxiety, fear, and depression. Drugs feel good; if they didn’t then no one would use them. But soon enough, drugs destroy the user. If a person cannot stop using drugs and alcohol it means they are addicted. Addiction simply means a person cannot stop doing something even though it is having bad consequences. Addiction takes over the motivational systems in the brain so the addict is driven to use over and over. The addict feels almost like they have not eaten in a week and they become preoccupied with food. But instead of food they need the drugs, alcohol, or whatever they are addicted to. And they cannot just turn this off; no way - it is part of their brain. To break free, they must get treatment. Not enough teenagers are being treated for their conditions, so they get addicted or stay stuck in their trauma and eventually go on to abuse their children. And the cycle continues. People are introduced to drugs usually by peers and most believe that they will use drugs for a little while and then wean themselves off. I felt that way about smoking. It worked for a while since I “only smoke at parties or with friends” but over time I grew to like cigarettes too much. It took me 5 years to quit. If the young person has the genetics of addiction they will not be able to stop. That’s all addiction is: not being able to stop despite consequences. And getting detoxed is one of the easiest parts of recovery; it can be done at any recovery clinic and takes about five to seven days. The hard part is staying off drugs once the addiction switch has been thrown in your brain. Addiction has been shown to change the way the brain works. Over time, the brain loses the ability to release and regulate endorphins. These are chemicals that make us feel good when we have a good meal, talk to someone we love, see something beautiful, and even just laugh. Addiction makes the brain unable to produce endorphins without the drug. As a result, it becomes very hard to feel pleasure or enjoy anything. Once you have been addicted, it is extremely hard to reset your brain so you can have emotions and feel joy like anyone else.

Addiction is a chronic situation and truly addicted people will need to get into a long-term program. Addicts never stop, they only switch from one thing to the next. To truly stop “using”, the addict must replace the drugs or alcohol with a recovery process. If they are outside a controlled environment they typically will go back to using. Drug abuse can permanently change the drives of your brain in a non-conscious way. Drugs distort people’s thoughts and feelings. They will change what you think is important. Those of you that grew up around addicted care providers know that the drug or alcohol is more important to them The only difference than anything and they cannot control it until they between people who get professional help. Quitting is not enough; they must get into a program. are happy and I’m not uptight. I think you should do successful and people whatever you want - enjoy. But, educate yourself who are miserable of the long-term effects and consequences of what and depressed is you are doing and be aware that drugs can successful folks don’t permanently rearrange your thinking process. So do not get to that point. Once you start down that sabotage their future road, it is really hard to stop. Don’t let the slippery by acting out. slope drag you down too. The only difference between people who are happy and successful and people who are miserable and depressed is successful folks don’t sabotage their future by acting out (drugs, breaking the law, gangs, unprotected sex, etc). All these behaviors just lead to more shame. But the bigger issue here is that these behaviors do not deal with the problem. They do not, and cannot, deal with the part of the iceberg we cannot see. These behaviors are just ways that people act out. Most people will act out when they are anxious due to the fact they are not dealing with their issues. Instead of seeking help from adults, a lot of teens act out at home and at school. When we first meet people we cannot tell whether they were neglected, abused or traumatized. These experiences and feelings are underneath the surface. Neglect is a passive form of abuse where a care provider does not provide enough care to meet the victim’s needs. It is the most common form of child maltreatment. 21

If a person is If a person is abused or neglected as a child, it affects the way their brain works and it will affect how they experience relationships, how they maintain relationships, and it will definitely affect the way they grow and develop. If a traumatized person does not receive treatment it can destroy their chances of having a happy life. In modern society we often avoid getting help if we are trauma survivors, but we will jump at the chance to receive help if there is a physical problem like a broken leg. Why don’t more young people seek help from responsible adults? A lot of people refuse to see a doctor or therapist to treat mental trauma because they believe, “That doctor has never been through what I’ve been through, so how can he possibly understand my situation and if he can’t relate to me then how could he help me?” But if this person broke their leg and went to the Emergency Room and the doctor told them their leg needed a cast would the patient reply with, “Have you ever broken your leg? How can you begin to help me if you have never been in my position?” If you do not get help from a professional you will get worse and your life will eventually become unmanageable. If you were abused or neglected, you are a trauma survivor. You are going to have feelings of powerlessness and these feelings can be overwhelming. You will have great difficulty trusting people and will often choose relationships in which you feel powerless. You will idealize the situation and think you are a bad person. You will even come up with these grandiose schemes in your head that you are indeed in control of these abusive people and think that it is somehow your fault that they are hurting you. You will end up getting abused over and over again. If you

abused or neglected as a child, it affects the way their brain works and it will affect how they experience relationships, how they maintain relationships, and it will definitely affect the way they grow and 22

develop.

were traumatized, you probably will be attracted to traumatic situations and abusive people. Trauma survivors are very attracted to sociopaths. A sociopath is someone that lacks empathy for other people; they do not truly understand why it is wrong to hurt other people because they do not see other humans as whole people but rather as objects for their use. Examples of sociopaths could be drug dealers, gang members, rapists, pedophiles…well you get the idea. I don’t know about you, but I think the stuff that you have read so far is confusing. If you are a teenager and reading this, a lot of what you have read so far might seem uninteresting or not reflective of what is going on in your life. Heck, maybe you just don’t care; I might have been in that group at your age. But here is something I can promise you: if you understand the stories and problems that are contained in these pages, life will make a lot more sense as you get older. People will not be as misunderstood and mysterious. All of us are very predictable. Just suppose you went to Africa and studied giraffes for twenty years. Every time a giraffe was born, you’d have a pretty good idea how it was going to turn out based on that giraffe’s environment and its family. Just like a scientist studying animals, soon enough you will actually start to see that people’s personalities are part nature (genes they got from their mom and dad) and part nurture (how they were raised and what they experienced). There is a part of the iceberg that cannot be changed; that part is our biology. All of us inherit our biology from our ancestors and there is nothing that can be done about it for better or for worse. All the mental and physical health problems we have are the result of our biology and our environment. I can guarantee every problem you will ever have will be because of your biology or environment. Thing is, you cannot do anything about your biology; you can only change your environment and how you react to it. As you are reading this book, think of someone’s biology - like how tall they are or how smart they may be - as the bottom of the iceberg. These factors cannot be changed. We will focus on the part of the iceberg that can be changed; that is to say, our decisions and our actions.

I can guarantee every problem you will ever have will be because of your biology or environment.

The students I teach read this book as I was writing it and some of them said, “I have a great family and this doesn’t apply to me.” There are times when a person has a trauma history but they have a lot of trouble acknowledging it because they are not willing or able to do so. Trauma survivors often have a lack of insight. Which is to say; they do have an understanding of the motivational forces behind one’s actions, thoughts or behavior. We will address insight more in depth later in the book. Some say, “Yeah, I can relate to these issues but I do not want to deal with this right now; I just want to be happy.” Fine. But most teens do like to read stories about other teens. So keep going and as you read these stories about your peers know that every word is true. All these things happened; these stories are not made up. Of course, the names have been changed so I don’t get in trouble.

Chicken Soup for the Soul of a Teenage Iceberg To say that being a teenager is tough is a cliché of the worst kind. You know that your lives can be hard, and I know that. As an iceberg, however, the only parts others can see are your behaviors. People not in the know will say you act out or behave the way you do because you are lazy, or stupid, or “troubled.” The fact is they are not looking at the 90% of your mind, emotions, and life that is underwater and out of sight. These next four sections present some of these issues, what they are, how to recognize them, what they mean for you, and how to deal with them. Some of the problems are external, caused by others abusing, neglecting, abandoning or hurting you. Others are problems you may bring upon yourself, like having unprotected sex or doing drugs. Throughout these chapters, keep in mind that no one is judging you. If you can see yourself in these sections, please get the help you need. There is no shame in admitting you have problems. Let’s get healthy and understand life.

Before you read the next section it is important to understand the term codependent. In simple terms, codependence is an emotional need to completely rely on others – either for support or as a source of mission – in order to be happy. Codependent people cannot be content or pleased with themselves and must seek out others to either completely care for them, such as alcoholics seeking enablers, or seek others to fix, like sons of unavailable mothers constantly dating high maintenance women.

All codependent relationships happen in the codependent triangle.

*No matter where we may start out on the triangle, victim is where we end up; therefore no matter what role we’re in on the triangle, we’re in victimhood. If we’re on the triangle, not addressing our issues, we’re living as victims! Our family of origin teaches us which role to assume in the triangle, but as we get older and do not get help, our roles change. Just an FYI: persecutor, abuser, and victimizer are the same thing and enabler is the same as rescuer.

Abuse and Neglect Physical abuse/Child Abuse According to Angelo P. Giardino, MD, PhD, Clinical Associate Professor, Department of Pediatrics, Baylor College of Medicine, child abuse is the presence of an injury via various non-accidental means, including hitting with a hand, stick, strap, or other object, punching, kicking, shaking, throwing, burning, stabbing, or choking at the hands of his or her caregiver. The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect (NCCAN) estimated that 37% of children with maltreatment injuries developed a disability or special need, directly from the abusive actions of the child's caregivers. 5 circumstances that give rise to child abuse: 1. Caregiver angry at child because of childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s behavior 2. Caregiver is mentally unstable, which can lead to resentment of the child 3. Child left with abusive baby sitter 4. Caregiver uses drugs and/or alcohol 5. Caregiver gets involved in domestic violence - Each year, between 3.3 and 10 million children witness family violence; 30-59% of mothers of abused children are victims of domestic violence. Additionally, children whose mothers are victims of domestic violence are 6-15 times more likely to be abused compared to children living in families in which their mothers are not being battered. Children are abused at an age when they cannot understand that it is not their fault. If a child is physically abused before the age of 7, they can suffer permanent negative effects to their personality and their behavior. The child that was abused is much more likely to abuse others as they get older, much more likely to become criminals, more likely to become addicted to drugs, and more likely to have emotional problems unless they get counseling for the abuse. 27

Darrell Darrell is in the eleventh grade and attends an alternative school. His mother is in the military and she is stationed hundreds of miles away from where Darrell lives with his dad. She has lived with Darrell a total of 9 months his whole life. Darrell’s dad used to be in the military and his dad considers himself an old-school disciplinarian. If Darrell does something that his dad considers a “Major Violation,” Darrell knows he will receive a punch in the face or belt on the back of the leg from his dad. This kind of punishment is abuse. Darrell is a trauma survivor. Not only does he have an abandoning mother, he also has a father that physically abuses him. Darrell has never sought help from a trusted adult. He started dating girls in ninth grade and had three girlfriends over the course of 15 months. Because of the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father and the fact that he has an abandoning mother, Darrell has low self-esteem. He is a nice looking, muscular young man, yet he cannot understand why someone would want to be with him. If you ask him if he has a girlfriend he will say, “Kinda, I guess we are dating.” There is a common thread running through all of his girlfriends…they are not available. Either because they are dating other guys, they lie to him, or simply do not give him enough attention. Darrell feels he has very little control over his girlfriends and this makes him feel more worthless. He feels he is a bad person so he makes these girls treat him badly. Unless he changes these patterns, all of his relationships will make him feel out of control and abused. And to top it off he will feel as though it is his fault. Furthermore, this reinforces his thoughts that all women are bad and cannot be trusted - just like his mother.

Cara Cara is getting help. She has been attending sessions with a psychiatrist who was recommended to her by a family doctor. About three weeks ago, Cara’s mother noticed that Cara had marks on both of her arms. When her mother sat her down and began to talk with her, Cara divulged the fact that she was dating an abusive guy at her high school. Truth be told, all of Cara’s boyfriends had been abusive. She is only attracted to abusive guys. You may remember from Teresa’s story that childhood trauma becomes attraction, but Cara was never abused by her parents. Neither one of her parents ever laid a hand on her. She never suffered from physical abuse or abandonment at home or school. After about four meetings with the psychiatrist, Cara revealed that she often saw her father abuse her mom. This is what attracted Cara to violent men. Cara expects men to be that way. Trauma leads to attraction. If Cara is super attracted to someone, that person will be an abuser. Amazingly, even if he seems like he is nice on the surface, he will turn out to be abusive. Trauma survivors are very attracted to abusers and abusers can sense a trauma survivor. This attraction is all in the subconscious; she can’t just decide to think her way out of it. Witnessing abuse has changed her internal motivations. When her boyfriend becomes more abusive, Cara’s attachment will become stronger. Cara will start to relive the trauma she witnessed with her family and her attachment will become even stronger. Cara’s story is different from Teresa, Krystal and Darrell. She herself was never physically abused, yet she too finds herself only attracted to people who are going to hurt her. Why do abuse survivors, and those traumatized by witnessing abuse become more attached to their abusers when their abusers become more abusive? As mentioned before and cannot be over stated, when we are hurting we run to the people we love; we do not run and hide in a cave or stick our heads in the sand. No, we turn to people that care for us and if that person is our abuser then the attachment to abusive people just becomes stronger. The more Cara is abused, the more dependent she becomes, which sets up more abuse and more traumas. The more traumatized she becomes, 29

the more enmeshed and nonflexible she will be. Trauma becomes attraction. Since Cara has been seeing a psychiatrist, she has begun to work through a lot of her childhood trauma and getting to the core of her deep attraction to and reliance upon abusive men. As she gets healthier and more knowledgeable about her condition, the less she will be attracted to abusers.

When we are hurting we run to the people we love; we do not run and hide in a cave or stick our heads in the sand. No, we turn to people that care for us and if that person is our abuser then the attachment to abusive people just becomes stronger. There is never a reason to physically abuse a child. If a child is doing something that could endanger his or her life, such as running out in the street or playing with fire, that child needs to suffer severe consequences to get their attention and stop the behavior. Indeed, hitting the child will stop the behavior, but it will cause problems for the child and the parent down the road. If a child is physically acting out and is hit by his or her care provider, it will inadvertently cause a reinforcement of the behavior. Meeting a child’s aggression with parental aggression will only increase aggression in the child. Just consider physical abuse for a moment. If my child is doing something I do not want him to do and I hit him, the message is, “If you do not like what someone is doing, hit them.” Research has shown that kids will act out against physical discipline. Instead of striking a child it is important to remove the child from the situation and then isolate the child so that the child will learn to master their feelings and regulate their emotions. If they are hit they will become angry at the person that hit them and they will focus on the person that hit them instead of thinking about their own behavior. Biologically speaking, physical abuse can burn out the pleasure centers in victim’s brains. That is, people who were victimized when they 30

were children require high levels of stimulation to feel aroused or even feel simple pleasure or enjoyment in life. Things that somehow bring pleasure often have to be taken to the next level in order to provide stimulation or interest. This can show itself as boredom in the classroom, or a need for many sexual partners or with day-to-day activities needing to be thrilling and extreme. This is why abuse victims can be attracted to drugs, stimulants (meth, cocaine) in particular. The impact of abuse is quite counterintuitive. Think about it; if a person is being abused in a relationship, either mentally or physically, logic would tell them to flee the relationship. But if a person suffered trauma growing up then they will not use this logic. They will be motivated to stay with the person, and become even more dependent as the abuser becomes more abusive. If you do not leave an abusive relationship it suggests you were traumatized as a child. Research has proven that people who come from families where there is physical abuse People who come from will often put themselves in close proximity to a violent person. That is weird to think about, families where there is huh? But it makes sense if you break it down in your head like this; letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s say a physical abuse will boy was beaten by his father over the course of several years. But his dad was his only care provider. As he gets often put themselves in older, that boy will most likely feel more secure around physically abusive people. He could even feel nurtured close proximity to a and comforted by people that are willing to hit him.

violent person

Teresa As a child, Teresa’s father beat her. Sometimes he would use a belt to spank her butt and the back of her legs; often he would use the back of his hand to hit her face. The emotional scars ran deep. As an eleventh grader with a boyfriend, she actually felt aroused at the thought of being hit. One day she and her boyfriend got in a fight and he slapped her in the face. Rather than being aroused and turned on, being hit actually evoked horrible and traumatic feelings in her. If someone wants to be hit (in this case Teresa), and someone steps into that role as her boyfriend did, they are playing the role of abuser and they are offending someone that is most likely an abuse survivor. If the abuser is comfortable with the role of victimizer or abuser, then it is high time to look at their environment and upbringing and determine the motivation for striking another person. There is a twist. If the boyfriend does not want to go down the abuser’s path, then get ready for that would-be victim to inject chaos or cheating into the relationship. The person who was victimized will inject just enough venom to sabotage their relationship and drive themselves away from the healthy person. So if Teresa’s new boyfriend does not hit her, if he is nice, caring, and emotionally available, then he needs to be prepared for her to not return phone calls, treat him like dirt, and eventually cheat on him. In Teresa’s case, this pattern continued until she got the help she needed. Responses to abuse vary from person to person. If a child grows up in an abusive home, that is to say a home where there are absent parents, abusive parents, and/or addiction, the child will often turn against their own bodies for self regulation. Cutting, aggressive tattooing, masturbation before puberty, and drug and alcohol use can often be seen early on. In general, a child who grows up in an abusive environment is very likely to be motivated to make bad decisions when it comes to sex partners and other life decisions.

Teresa knew that the home life she grew up in was not ideal and she stepped up to the plate, sought out treatment, and accepted help. Seeking help is the first step for anyone who wants to get their life back under control. Victims of abuse who, unlike Teresa, do not seek help from a mental health professional tend to perpetrate abuse onto themselves or those around them. If you are a trauma survivor it is extremely important that you trust a responsible adult. Maybe an adult you already know, like a school counselor or teacher. But to truly engage in therapy, you will need to make and keep appointments with a mental health specialist. It is essential to trust an adult that has been trained to help people in your situation.

A child who grows up in an abusive environment is very likely to be motivated to make bad decisions when it comes to sex partners and other life decisions.

Sexual Abuse According to government statistics, one in four girls (25%) and one in six boys (16.7%) has been sexually molested. Sexual abuse is not necessarily sexual intercourse. Abuse/molestation can range from being exposed to pornography at a young age to sexual comments aimed towards a child. It also includes being forced to strip in front of others, being spied on, inappropriate touching, having poor physical boundaries within the family or anything of a sexual nature that affects a child’s development. In total, about 1 in 6 people are being or have been sexually abused in some way. If you go to a school with approximately 600 people it is possible 100 of them have experienced sexual abuse. If you go to a school with 1800 students maybe some 300 have experienced some form of sexual abuse. Perhaps you have been victimized and were not aware that it was considered abuse or maybe you do not want to deal with it.

Patricia Patricia is 18 years old and lives with her mother, grandmother, grandfather, uncle and two cousins in a pleasant neighborhood just outside the city limits. Her mother gave birth to Patricia while still in high school. Patricia’s father has been in and out of her life, but mostly out, over the last ten years. In the last two years she has only spent a couple of days around him. Her mother’s family invited her and her mom to move in when Patricia was still in the second grade. Her grandfather immediately began to practice poor boundaries around her. He would follow her into the bathroom and watch her use the toilet, he would rub lotion all over her body when she was naked, along with other behavior that made her feel scared, powerless, and out of control. Patricia approached her mother and told what her “Poppee” had been doing, but her mother dismissed the accusations commenting, “He did the same thing to me when I was a girl,” and then told Patricia not to worry about it. By the time she was in sixth grade Patricia’s grandfather was penetrating her

with his finger and forcing her to give him oral sex. This went on for five more years. Patricia is an abuse survivor. When horrible things like what Patricia experienced happen to children, the brain immediately assumes they caused or brought about the abuse. That is the brain’s way of avoiding overwhelming feelings of powerlessness. If abuse victims believe they caused something bad to happen to themselves, they live their lives thinking that they can control everything. Although they did not cause the abuse, they do go out into the world and make bad things happen to themselves all the time. The brain works this way so that we do not feel out of control because it is easier for our brains to feel like we are in control than it is to feel helpless. For Patricia, in every social interaction she believes that she is in control and she makes bad things happen. Patricia will make sure that people are going to react negatively to her actions. When she is at school she acts up in class so that the teachers will yell at her. If they don’t yell at her, she simply takes up the level of misbehavior to the point where adults are forced to react to her. Victimizers, such as bullies or gang members, can pick up on and exploit this. Guess what happens next? That’s right, the victim (Patricia) gets victimized again. Yet they feel they brought it all on themselves. This cycle feeds both the needs of the victim to be hurt and the victimizer to inflict pain. In addition, if someone is abused as a child they deny the contents of their abuser’s mind when that abuser is abusive. What the…??? For example: When Patricia was being abused by her care provider (granddad), she denied the disturbed feelings her grandfather had in his mind; it was a way of denying the abuse. She idealized her grandfather, she loved her granddad; this is survival mode. It is way too scary for a child’s brain to think of a care provider as their abuser. So Patricia has simply tricked her brain and blames herself. People that are victimizers want to abuse trauma survivors. They are keenly aware that the trauma survivor is easier to take advantage of and less likely to call for help.

Kids that are sexually abused often grow up thinking that their only value is for sex. So if someone does not want to have sex with them then they feel worthless, especially if that person fits the profile of their abuser (to whom, you will remember, they are tightly bound and deeply attracted). Don’t forget, what traumatizes us as a child often becomes an attraction as we become teens/adults. Patricia has started exotic dancing at local strip clubs. She often goes home with much older men. If they do not want to have sex with her she feels worthless and pathetic. But if she has sex with them she feels ashamed and used. Because of the sexual abuse Patricia suffered, her physical relationships will continue to be unfulfilling and she will be intensely attracted to men who are abusive or unavailable. At last check, Patricia has not sought behavioral health counseling, but if she did the drive to strip and be abused would start to subside.

Debra Jean LaFave is a former teacher at Angelo L. Greco Middle School in Temple Terrace, Florida. She pled guilty in 2005 to statutory rape charges stemming from her having sex with a fourteen year-old student in 2004, when LaFave was twenty three years old. Debra is a registered sex offender, is under house arrest for three years, and is on probation for another seven. Why? The answer lies in her story of trauma and attraction. The following is part of an interview Ms. Lafave did with Matt Lauer on NBC news. Lauer: 14-year-old boy, very attractive 23-year-old teacher. He’s had sex with you. Weren’t you scared to death he would tell someone? Lafave: Obviously not ‘cause I did it again. Lauer: And again. Lafave: And again. Narrator: She says to fully understand her; you have to go back years to her childhood in a small town near Tampa, Fla. Her dad worked for the power

Debra Lafave’s Mug Shot

company. Her mom was a cosmetologist. Debra adored her older sister, Angie. Lafave: I loved my big sister. I couldn’t go anywhere without her. I loved playing Barbies. I would play school with all my dolls and teach ‘em how to read. Narrator: But it soon became apparent that Debbie was a very complicated little girl. Her mother would later write a long account of Debra's childhood—a litany of phobias, panic attacks and obsessions. And, Debra says, there’s a trauma buried in her past. Lauer: When you were 13 years old, 8th grade, you were raped by someone you knew. Tell me about that. Lafave: The first time that it happened was in school. He forced me into a bathroom and—began to rape me. And a teacher walked in. And she let us off the hook. Lauer: Well you say, “She let us off the hook.” I mean what did you do wrong? Why did she have to let you off the hook? Lafave: Well, she had no clue that I was being raped. I’m assuming she just thought we were messing around. Lauer: Why didn’t you say, “This boy’s raping me.”? Lafave: It just doesn’t happen like that. I had a lot of fear. You know when somebody has that kind of control over you, especially at 13. I didn’t tell anybody. Lauer: Who was this young man in your life? I mean, was he someone you were close with? Lafave: Yeah, he was actually one of my boyfriends. Debra says that an early, abusive relationship with an older boy forever shaped her view of sex. Lafave: I kind of developed this idea that it was my role. In order to make a man, guy, boy happy—I had to do my part, which was pleasing him in that way. Lauer: But you felt it was your duty. You didn’t really feel as if you had a choice. Lafave: Exactly. Narrator: By age 15 she was drinking heavily. She developed an eating disorder. 37

Lauer: So I mean as an outsider looking in, life was a bit of a mess. Lafave: At that point, I had already tried to commit suicide twice, too. Lauer: How did you try to commit suicide? Lafave: One time was taking a lot of pills. The second time was slitting my wrists. Narrator: If a girl had a traumatizing childhood then she could feel hypersexual and be quick to have sex, particularly non-intimate sex. But once this person begins to feel closeness and intimacy with the guy or girl she will tend to become hypo-sexual. She married Owen Lafave in 2003, just after her first year of teaching. They made a great-looking couple. The wedding photographer used them in his advertising. But, as with so many other times in Debra’s life, things were not what they appeared to be. Lauer: Let me talk…and it’s obviously a little delicate. Let me talk about sex in your relationship with Owen, your husband. He said that it was volatile. That it began very good and that basically soon after that it ceased. Is that how you remember it? Lafave: The "very good" part was probably a stretch. I still had issues with even having sex period because of my rape. Flashbacks. So we really didn’t have that much sex. Ms. Lafave’s story is an example of how trauma becomes attraction. She was raped by a 13 year-old boy and when she became an adult she found herself very attracted to 13 year-old boys. If a girl had a traumatizing childhood then she could feel hypersexual and be quick to have sex, particularly non-intimate sex. Once she begins to feel closeness and intimacy with a partner, however, she will tend to become hypo-sexual and avoid sex. She could even shut down sexually due to the overwhelming feelings involved with intimacy. In all likelihood, these people who are feeling overwhelmed by intimacy will sabotage the relationship. Just as Ms. Lafave cheated on her husband.

Tiama Tiama was molested when she was a child; she was sexually abused by a kindergarten classmate when she was 5 years old. She never told a teacher or parent about the incident because the offender said no one would like her if she told. He was very effective at making her feel like damaged goods. He would periodically check in with her to make sure she had not divulged any information. By the time Tiama was in middle school, she was a “big flirt” and started to have sex with guys she did not like. The sexual abuse she suffered made her feel shameful and dirty. To be intimate with someone she has to “tune in” to this detached aspect of herself, but the only way to do that is to have sex with someone who is “dirty” or “bad.” If you have ever wondered how a prostitute can have sex with many partners every night, even if they find some of the men disgusting, it is because of this mental conditioning. Now Tiama is in college and recently one of the more popular guys at her school was interested in Tiama and asked her out on a date. They went out to eat and really hit it off so he asked her out again. She has not returned his phone calls and avoids him at school. Tiama really likes this guy; she respects him and thinks of him as a good person. But because of this she cannot have any sexual feelings towards him. He does not fulfill her sexual side that needs to be treated badly in order to feel intimate. He is a good person and this is very hard for Tiama to tolerate. She needs the “disconnect” from partners; she needs them to treat her poorly. She needs the drama of a dysfunctional relationship. Here is a girl who was molested by a classmate and she was wondering why she had trouble with men. She will have great difficulty experiencing herself sexually, and if she does start to experience herself sexually it will likely evoke a lot of flashbacks and she will tend to be attracted to abusive guys. Once she gets engaged in a sexual act and she actually starts to experience a flashback, she will relive the abuse she suffered as a child and “totally freak out.” If you feel yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable or abusive people - whether or not you have been abused - do not act on it, do not go 39

for that type of individual. Seek counseling to address your feelings and a lot of these issues will start to work themselves out. There is a lot of nonsense and untruths about sexual abuse that get perpetrated by rumors, the media, and a lack of education. It is most important to use logic when approaching this topic. There are 7 key points to keep in mind concerning sexual abuse: 1. No one, NO ONE, wants to have sex forced on them – even if they are a shy person. 2. The age of consent in most states is sixteen. A person cannot consent to sex when they are younger than this. If a fifteen year-old girl walks up to a nineteen year-old man and says, “I want to have sex with you,” and he does so, it is statutory rape. This means one participant is below the age required to legally consent to sex (16 years of age in most states). 3. Sex offences are caused by sex offenders. These victimizers will always pretend to be victims. If a sex offender is caught he/she will say that the victim wanted it. 4. If a child says they are being molested or have been molested, they should be taken very seriously and referred to a physician, mental health professional, or law enforcement. Referring a victim is often more difficult than it should be, because many times parents with children who are victimized were victims themselves and do not want to relive the pain of their own abuse. Remember, abuse is frequently intergenerational; it is passed down from generation to generation in which the abused become abusers or the same family members continue to abuse subsequent generations. 5. Rape is sex without consent. Sex without conscious consent, as when one person is drunk or high, is also rape. 6. Different children react differently to sexual abuse. Some may experience guilt or embarrassment, and others shame or fear. Some sexual abuse can cause physical pain for many years. For example, girls who are sexually abused often feel pelvic pain for much of their adult life, especially if they do not get treatment for their abuse. 40

7. If the child does not tell on their abuser it does not mean they liked it. It means they are scared, embarrassed, or they want to protect someone like a parent or neighbor.

Travis Travis lives in a foster home and is in the sixth grade at the middle school across the street. Recently, his school counselor got wind that Travis had sex with one of the 7th grade girls. When the school counselor approached him and asked if this was true he said nonchalantly, “Yes, what’s the big deal?” It’s a very big deal. A twelve-yearold having sex with anybody is sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can take many different forms. Exposure to pornography or exposure to sex at an early Exposure to age leads to trauma akin to more commonly known types pornography or of sexual abuse. Sometimes these negative feelings are exposure to sex at an conscious and can be dealt with, but oftentimes they are in early age leads to the subconscious and the victim does not even know why trauma akin to more they are acting out. Premature sexualization (experiencing commonly known types sexual activity at an early age) messes with a young of sexual abuse. person’s sense of boundaries and therefore a twelve-yearold would not know that they should not be acting out sexually. If a young person is being exposed to sexual material in the home, then child protective services need to get involved. Since Travis is in a foster home he already has a social worker assigned to him. His social worker initiated an investigation and found that some other kids in Travis’ home have been having sex and otherwise acting out sexually. Travis did not know that he should have made an adult aware of this behavior. Travis is currently receiving counseling and has been placed in a different foster home.

Bella Bella is twenty-five years old and attending a PhD program designed for nursing students at North Carolina State University. She is motivated, intelligent, and determined to finish her doctorate program within 3 years. At the same time, she still is devoted to Rob, her twenty-nine year-old boyfriend who, incidentally, is also her attorney. Robert is a great guy who comes from a loving, supportive family. They have been dating for six months, yet she said that all of a sudden she did not want to have anything to do with him sexually. She loved him, but told him she needed a break from him even though things had been going well between them. Robert recommended she go to the mental health services at the university and request to speak with a therapist. Bella agreed to see a school therapist and set up 4 sessions to simply discuss what she is feeling. It turns out that Bella had been abused. When she was in the 3rd or 4th grade she watched pornography with her brother on several occasions. Luckily for Bella, the therapist was a specialist in early childhood trauma and she was able to explain to Bella what was going on inside. She told Bella, “When people are sexually abused they get split internally. They feel the sexual part of themselves is the bad part of themselves. So if they are having sex with a bad person then they can act out that bad part of their sexual self. When they start to experience a good/healthy person, then that bad part has to ‘hide out.’” Only with a lot of professional intervention and therapy can Bella’s “split self” become integrated with her more healthy self.

Usually, if a girl has been abused as a child she will seek out three types of people for companionship or romance: 1. Another abusive person 2. A good or healthy person; then she will sabotage the relationship 3. A good or healthy person; she can then portray herself as a victim to push the partner away People that were sexually abused as children often develop boundary issues and they have a problem developing an identity. The teenagers in these pages are not stupid or stubborn; they have been abused. Abuse will change the way they conduct their lives and relate to others. They often understand what is going on. In fact, most of these teens understand that they have been victimized. The trouble is that when people have been victimized, they know they have an issue and want to feel better but they are not particularly receptive to advice or counseling. Usually, when people have been abused or victimized they blame the external world. They blame (and their victimizers blame) the media, schools, neighbors, or anything else they can think of to take the focus off of themselves. Victims will often say, “You can’t help me.” They create a victimized fantasy world where they are always the victim of sinister outside forces. All of this is a fantasy and they do not want to give it up. It is easier to say that all of their pain and drama is created by the outside world. To be sure, Bella was victimized by her brother and the pornography, but it is now her issue to deal with. The unfortunate result of refusing to let go of this fantasy is that these victims can develop a personality disorder. They become safe and comfortable with being a victim. The very thought of getting out of their fantasy world and dealing with the trauma it is too overwhelming. They do not want to honestly look at themselves. To them, it is much less painful to pretend that it is always the world that is acting against and upon them. So long as they remain in their fantasy, they can go through life pretending that 43

unconsciously seek out those likely to abuse them again.

Because of the trauma suffered when they were abused, victims often

everyone around them is treating them with disrespect and they personally have no issues to work out. Ironically, they essentially become victimizers themselves, acting their issues out on society. When these young people go out and start cutting themselves, using drugs, or abusing others, they are not in their right mind. They need structure in order to break free. A twelve-step program can help. They need people around them who are emotionally supportive. If they do not get help, the victimization will be passed down generationally. They will abuse their kids just as they were abused. Of course, why would it be any different? In addition to the victim’s personality disorder, a lot of people who have been sexually abused develop what is called a borderline personality. People with borderline personality disorder have unpredictable and impulsive behavior, as well as sudden changes or shifts in mood. With a borderline personality, their sexual selves become separated from their “normal” selves. To feel sexual, they must involve themselves in dirty, violent, or otherwise unhealthy sexual behaviors. Persons with borderline personalities are often drawn to the sex industry like stripping, pornography, or prostitution. Those who do not get involved in the sex industry are simply likely to have many sexual partners. In addition to choosing multiple partners without intimacy, people that were sexually abused and develop borderline personality are very attracted to sociopaths. A sociopath, you may remember, is someone that lacks empathy for other people. They do not truly understand that it is wrong or even why it is wrong to hurt other people. They can’t understand because they do not see other humans as whole people but instead, they just see others as objects for their use. Due to the trauma suffered when they were abused, victims often unconsciously seek 44

out those likely to abuse them again. This leads them invariably into serial relationships with sociopaths. When a person is abused they naturally feel really bad and they want to feel better. The problem is all too often they seek relief in activities that are harmful. They do drugs. They gamble. They join gangs, or do anything to avoid the feelings that came along with being abused. These behaviors actually work for a certain amount of time, they help the person regulate their emotions. Particularly drugs and alcohol will help a person not feel so overwhelmed. Doing drugs, gambling or gang life will make them feel better for a while. Unfortunately these solutions (drugs, alcohol, having a child too early, etc.) only add to their problems in the long term. If these actions continue they will most likely create a catastrophe.

Sarah Sarah is eighteen years old and is attending a job-training program in her city. She finished high school early and her mom talked her into attending this program. Although everything appears to be going well for her, the problem is she experienced a shattering event when she was six years-old and never sought treatment for the experience. Her uncle forced her to have sexual relations with him. At the time, he said if she ever told anyone then her mother would never love her again and Sarah believed him. Sarah’s abusive uncle exhibits many of the traits of a sociopath, yet neither he nor Sarah has ever received any therapy. Neither ever told anyone about their experience. As a teenager, Sarah has sex with pretty much anyone who wants to have sex with her. She feels that if someone wants to have sex with her and they are being nice to her then she owes it to them to give them what they want. But if the guy wants to spend time with her afterwards she is turned off. Just like Carrie Anne from the beginning of the book, if the guy ignores her she is attracted to him. Sarah has been hospitalized on several occasions for trying to kill herself. The sex, the rejection of “good guys,” attraction to sociopaths, and suicidal tendencies are textbook borderline personality disorder. Having multiple sex partners is an expression of the internal chaos she has inside. Although she feels she cannot say “no” to sex, having multiple partners and meaningless sex further erodes her self-esteem. Sarah needs to let people around her help contain these impulses. For this she will need positive peer relations. That is, she needs to form relationships with trustworthy people who are emotionally available and care about her well-being. Sarah needs to be able to go to them when she feels like acting out sexually and tell them how she feels emotionally. Of course, Sarah needs to get enrolled in treatment. Her condition is very treatable. Children and young people who have been sexually abused often have problems developing a healthy sexuality as they reach adolescence and adulthood. The stories you have read in this section show that some people that have been sexually abused may be sexually promiscuous, and others may be fearful and unwilling to risk any intimacy. Those that have sought counseling have a much better likelihood of achieving happiness and 46

fulfilling relationships and then their iceberg will appear to others as it really is: healthy. As stated previously: If a person had a traumatizing childhood then he/she may be quick to have sex, particularly non-intimate sex. Once the victim begins to feel closeness and intimacy with their partner, however, he or she will tend to become hypo-sexual. This means there is suddenly no desire at all to have sex with the partner or even continue to be together. The victim can even shut down sexually due to the overwhelming negative feelings involved with intimacy. In all likelihood, an abuse victim who is feeling overwhelmed by intimacy will sabotage their relationship. This pattern is likely to be repeated again and again. As we saw in the cases of Tiama and Sarah, when we have been emotionally hurt we tend to sabotage a relationship rather than risk getting hurt again. If you feel yourself being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, do not act on it; do not go for that type of individual. Seek counseling for the abuse you suffered as a child. If you do, a lot of these issues will start to be resolved. Only then can you trust that you will find an emotionally available, supportive partner.

Verbal Abuse Children build a sense of self through relationships. They are not born thinking, “I am special; I have value.” In other words, kids figure out who they are and their personal worth by what other people tell them. If our parents or care providers tell us over and over again that we are special and we have value, then we are going to believe that. On the other hand, if we are told over and over again that we are stupid and worthless or constantly hear, “I wish you were never born,” we will believe that too.

Children build a sense of self through relationships. If we are told over and over again that we are stupid and worthless or constantly hear, “I wish you were never born,” we will believe that.

Janelle Janelle is an intelligent 8th grader who lives with her parents and two little sisters. She has consistently made good grades, yet her parents never give positive reinforcement when she does something well. She only hears from them when she has done something wrong. Janelle’s younger sisters consistently hear the same types of verbal abuse. As the old saying goes, “When I do right, nobody notices. When I do wrong, nobody ever forgets.” If her job was to vacuum the bedrooms and she missed a spot, her mom and dad quickly notice and usually quip, “Look Janelle, even a dummy can vacuum a carpet; you did this wrong.” When Janelle made the honor role in eighth grade she heard almost nothing from her parents. When she won a trip to Washington D.C. with her middle school jazz band her parents only cared about how much it was going to cost them. At the end of seventh grade, Janelle’s Pre-Algebra teacher told her that she was a great student and he enjoyed having her in his class. Janelle said thank you and smiled, but her math teacher’s compliment didn’t make sense to her. Every time someone gives her a compliment it confuses her because she identifies herself the way her parents label her: stupid, lazy, and ineffective. Low self-esteem is usually passed down from generation to generation. Janelle’s parents were never told by their parents that they were special and smart, so why would they say it to their kids? Janelle’s parents have fairly low self-esteem. They believe that if they compliment their kids then their kids will think they are better than everyone. As a result, they never compliment their children. We do not need our parents to tell us we are better than anyone. We do need our parents to build our self-esteem and make us feel valuable and valued. If our parents leave us, we will feel deserving of neglect. If our parents abuse us, we will feel deserving of abuse. If we are shown or told how much we are loved and respected, we will feel happy and have a much better chance at high self-esteem. Everything our parents do to us, for better or worse, shapes our selfesteem (or lack of self-esteem) as well as the way we will treat our kids. 49

Parents Who Are Verbally Abusive Julie Julie is in the 2nd grade and lives with her mother Karen and little sister Estee in an apartment complex her mom manages. Since her mom works close to home, she is able to spend a lot of time with Julie and her sister. Julie’s favorite thing in the world is to make cookies with her mom. They go to the store and buy the ingredients and look up new recipes online. Karen loves to cook with her kids, but there are some issues that she has not dealt with that are affecting her ability to be a successful parent. These issues are also affecting Julie’s and Estee’s self-esteem. Karen is verbally abusive to her two daughters. When they are doing something together, Julie will try to follow her mother’s instructions. But if she does not execute it perfectly her mother will fly into a rage. For example, she called Julie “a stupid little thing” when Julie could not operate the mixer. Whenever she and her sister are not performing perfectly they are subject to verbal abuse. The girls are constantly being called “retarded,” “slow,” “ugly,” and “fat.” This has been devastating to their sense of self worth and has caused them to feel as though they are not good at anything. How will this affect them as they become teens and then adults? Julie and Estee are victims of abuse. Verbal abuse is devastating to an individual’s sense of self. When this kind of abuse is reinforced over and over, the person starts to think, “I AM a loser. I AM worthless. I AM the source of my mother’s problems.” The abused person might go through life expecting to be abused in all relationships. They probably will not be attracted to people that have a lot going for them, they will be attracted to people that are abusive and/or emotionally disconnected. In fact, a lot of what Julie has experienced could be considered emotional abuse. Emotional Abuse is simply when someone you are dealing with does not care about your feelings; in other words, their negative behavior continues without regard for how you feel.

Abbey Abbey has a mother that was abusive towards her and her sister. Abbey is now seventeen years old and has been involved with abusive boyfriends and emotionally disconnected friends. Her sense of who she ultimately loves is her mother. Since her mother is abusive, naturally enough this is what love is to Abbey. Abusive people are very appealing to Abbey. When Abbey feels alone or scared, she goes to her mom. However, her mom is verbally abusive. Remember, Abbey’s friends are disconnected and thus unreliable. So she often feels overwhelmed and turns to mom for consoling. If the person she turns to is also the source of the horror, then it strengthens the attachment needs. The more abusive Abbey’s boyfriends become and the more her friends neglect her, the tighter she holds onto them, just as she still clings to her mother. Abbey should not trust her instincts right now in this current state. She needs to seek therapy where she could learn more healthy boundaries and move away from the codependence. Boundaries are discussed later in the book. When we are babies we are basically animals. If you have ever seen that documentary in which the baby chimpanzee and the baby human are playing together, you will notice their abilities are identical. We have to be taught to be human. Some people are never taught to be human by their parents or care provider so they go through life acting like animals. If you ever have been to a prison you will see people acting like animals. People are in there because the undersurface part of their iceberg, the part others cannot see, is jam-packed with unhealthy feelings and abuse which have led them to act out onto society. They will go back to prison many more times until they choose to deal with what they have been subjected to as children. People in prison subconsciously feel deserving of abuse because they were abused or neglected as children. Their mind set is often, “I was abused and that is what I’m worth.” They generally will not just come out and say that but if they let health professionals see what is under the surface they know that is what the trained professional will find. It is also common for convicts to have biological mental health problems that contribute to their behavior. 51

The more we are taught functional behavior by responsible adults the more likely we are to not act like animals. This is not to say that being abused makes us animals or makes us unable to change, it just means we need to seek help; the sooner, the better.

Characteristics of Abuse Victims We have considered physical, sexual and verbal abuse. Whether perpetrated by family, friends, or acquaintances, if left untreated the trauma from abuse can severely damage a person’s ability to have a healthy and happy life. Abuse victims often share a series of feelings. They feel: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Out of control Guilty when there is no reason to feel this way Sorry for themselves Suicidal That their appearance does not matter Depressed Stupid Ashamed Scared Unable to tolerate emotional pain That they have to be perfect That they do not want to be around other people That no one understands them Uncomfortable about sex Not worthy of real friendships

These feelings may seem natural given what they have been through. But please, do not believe for a minute that this is all there is to life. There is a way out and there is hope. Get help if you have been abused or neglected, speak to a trusted adult, seek counseling. A list of resources is available at the end of this book. 52

Neglect Neglect is a type of abuse related to the failure to provide needed, ageappropriate care and is by far the most common form of child maltreatment. If a person is neglected as a child it affects the way their brain operates, just as physical and sexual abuse does. It will affect how they experience relationships, how they maintain relationships, and it will definitely affect the way they grow and develop. If a traumatized person does not receive treatment it can destroy their chances of having a happy life. In American society, we strangely avoid getting help if we are trauma survivors but we jump at the chance to receive help for physical problems. Somehow we think that unless someone has experienced the same trauma, they could not possibly understand or help us. Yet we do not use the same criteria for a doctor fixing a broken leg, even if his leg has never been broken. Let me explain: Jared Jared is eighteen years old and very close to his sister; they have had to lean on each other a lot. Both of their parents are alcoholics and have never provided the parenting that two high school age teens need and deserve. Their mom and dad provided for Jared and his sister when it came to stuff like food, clothes, and money, but the kids did not get time with their parents. Jared and his sister spent almost every night at their grandparents or another relativeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s home because their parents were attending to their addiction and not their kids. This neglect persisted for as long as Jared could remember. Jaredâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s science teacher noticed that Jared, who is a good student, had been anxious and depressed seemingly out of nowhere so he referred him to the school counselor. Jared never went. He thought that counseling and therapy were for weak kids and losers. He convinced his sister to feel the same way. 53

At the beginning of his twelfth grade year, Jared was playing on the school lacrosse team and broke his right thumb. He asked one of his teammates to take him to the hospital immediately. The doctors promptly set the broken bone and put on a cast that went half way up his arm. Jared had to endure eight weeks of physical therapy and when he was finished his coaches and teammates congratulated him and gave him a lot of recognition for working so hard to fix his thumb and get back on the playing field. With rehab over, Jaredâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s thumb felt great. Remember, Jaredâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s teacher felt he needed to work on his brain due to his obvious depression and anxiety. Yet Jared turned away from that advice despite the fact that his problems were destroying his quality of life. Depression was affecting his life much more so than a broken finger, but he was not willing to get in touch with his feelings. He instead turned away from them and chose to idealize the bad circumstances and pretend everything was OK. Do not make this mistake. IF YOU DENY YOUR FEELINGS IT WILL LEAD TO UNHAPPINESS.

Krystal Krystal has never known her father; she lives with her mother and grandmother in a three-bedroom condo not far from her school. Krystal says her mother is too controlling and that is the reason her father is not around. She doesn’t accept the fact that her dad abandoned the family on his own volition. Instead she chooses to idealize him as a great man that was driven away by her controlling mother. Oftentimes people who are abandoned by a parent will actually identify more with the unavailable parent than the one who stayed behind. The child can idealize the absent parent. What do I mean by idealize? If my dad were not around when I was growing up I could imagine that he was this great guy like I think he should be. Then every time my mom tells me to do something I do not want to do I can tell myself, “If my dad were here he would not make me take out the trash.” Krystal’s counselors have noticed that she has been getting multiple piercings around her body. It started with a gauge setting in her ear, but she also got her tongue and naval pierced. Then she started talking about getting a tattoo on her back. Luckily, at about this time she began to talk to the school counselor in sessions three times per week after school. Krystal trusted adults like her counselor to help her and started to open up about the emotional pain she’d been suffering. Once she opened up, she soon found she had a decreased drive to continue self-harming behavior. If a person starts getting treatment then the drive to do self-destructive behaviors goes down. Or at least these actions become less satisfying because the source of that destructive energy is being addressed. Behaviors like aggressive tattooing, multiple piercings, multiple sex partners, and fighting do not, will If a person starts getting not, and cannot, cause you to feel good about yourself. As we have discussed, these actions treatment then the drive to actually cause shame, which leads to more of do self-destructive the same behavior, which will lead to more behaviors goes down. Or at shame.

least these actions become less satisfying because the source of that destructive energy is being addressed.

Life is challenging enough without hurting yourself by your own behaviors. If you want the kind of life you can be happy with and the kind of life you can be proud of, then realize that behaviors like Teresa’s and Krystal’s will ultimately stunt any hope of having that kind of life. The only difference between people who are happy and successful and people who are miserable and depressed is that successful folks don’t sabotage their future by acting out (drugs, dropping out of school, gangs, The unfortunate reality is criminal record, etc.). All these behaviors just mask the problems and the underlying issues that people who come from persist. The unfortunate reality is that people who come from traumatic backgrounds will traumatic backgrounds will often find that drugs are the quickest way to resolve these feelings of anxiety and often find that drugs are the frustration. When people grow up in abusive quickest way to resolve environments, they usually go into new situations like school, church, or team these feelings of anxiety sports expecting to be abused and if they are not abused they will oftentimes try to bring and frustration. the abuse on themselves. They subconsciously see it as their role in the group, and they will end up getting abused over and over again. Break the cycle. Seek help from a professional if you believe you grew up in an abusive environment. There is no shame in coming forward.

Christie Neglect has more causes than just having alcoholic parents. Christie is 22 years old and has been through 19 boyfriends since she started dating. She knew she had a problem but could not figure out why she was stuck in this cycle. Unlike Jared, she was getting counseling. Her therapist asked her what her relationship with her father was like. Christie revealed that her dad abandoned the family when she was only six years old. By now it should be obvious that someone in Christie’s situation is usually going to choose emotionally-unavailable men to date. The emotional wound from her father’s abandonment meant she has a deep fear of getting too attached to The emotional someone else. Christie breaks up with men whenever she gets to know them or when they try to become intimate with her. Because wound from her of Christie’s neglectful dad, she has to feel that she is in complete control of every father’s relationship. To give that power to someone else, and thus surrender to a mutual abandonment meant relationship, is too traumatic to even consider. Christie believes if she always does she has a deep fear the breaking up and never gives any guy that opportunity, then she can avoid those feelings of abandonment perpetrated by her father. of getting too This is a setup for unhappiness. Christie either dates distant and unavailable attached to someone men with whom there is no chance for a longterm relationship or sabotages healthy else. relationships to keep from getting too close to another person. Truth be told, if Christie does not complete her therapy to get to the root of this problem then she will continue to break up with men and she will never have the opportunity to truly love someone. She will always feel abandoned and victimized and in all likelihood her children will be raised without a father. 57

Christie’s story is common. I have seen many young men and women in her shoes over the years. If one or both parents leave the family (perhaps because they died) or are unavailable because of alcohol or drug addiction, divorce, or abandonment it absolutely affects the way their children conduct relationships. It is essential to receive treatment so they can break free of this cycle and not recreate the same environment for their kids, should they choose to have any. When we are young we tend to think that our family system, whatever it may be, is normal. Why wouldn’t we? After all, that is the only family we have ever known. Unfortunately, a lot of what we see in the media tells us that it is OK to leave your children; it is OK to do drugs in the house; it is not a problem to watch many hours of TV instead of spending time with your kids. Sometimes you even hear people say things like, “Kids can take care of themselves these days.” This is completely not true! Leaving children to their own devices or to wholly entertain themselves is neglect. A child needs and deserves loving, trustworthy, present, and available parents. Let’s do a little experiment. I want you to think of someone who is in prison or strung out on drugs and analyze their family. Almost without exception they came from families with a history of abuse or neglect. The damage this caused was never dealt with by a professional and so they acted out, trying to fix their emotional damage with drugs, alcohol, violence, or anything else they can think of to fill that void. Contrast this with a person that is advancing in life, professionally or educationally. What was their family dynamic? Were they abused or abandoned. If they were, how did they handle it? Did they turn to drugs or gangs, or did they seek a responsible, trustworthy adult like a counselor or therapist? A responsible adult can help you understand what makes a healthy family. They can teach you healthy boundaries and can help you realize what is dysfunctional or detrimental to your emotional and physical wellbeing. Most importantly, they can help you to understand and work through your experiences, setting you free from the demons that could be holding you back. There’s a problem, however. If a person was abused or neglected by an adult they are not going to trust adults. In fact, they will usually have animosity towards adults and rebel against them. 58

Clair Clair is sixteen years old. She is in the ninth grade, doing quite well and making great grades. This is, according to her teachers, an admirable feat. You see, Clair was neglected as a child. Her parents had her when they were in high school and soon after Clair was born her parents split up. She never got to know her father. Clair’s mother had drug problems and it was hard for her to hold down a job, so Clair went to live with her grandparents when she was in 1st grade. Her grandparents were already in their sixties and were not excited to be raising another child who was really not their responsibility, so Clair was neglected. Her family did not provide for Clair’s emotional and physical needs. Clair often felt lonely and out of control. When she was in the fourth grade her friend started taking her to church. Clair loved going to church with her friend. She said she felt appreciated and wanted; both were feelings she had never experienced. Most importantly, church gave Clair access to something she had never had; she had access to emotionally healthy adults that cared about her and would listen to her concerns. Clair’s whole world changed. She began to trust other people. The church even paid for her to have sessions with a counselor. After attending the church for about ten months, her Sunday school class invited her to summer bible camp. Clair’s grandparents were not willing to pay so the Sunday school group organized a fundraiser. Wow, such love and support! This was going to be the best summer of Clair’s life. The camp was high in the mountains looking over a lake. The cabins were spacious and every camper got a locker and a bed. They had campfires and cooked smores almost every night. There was one counselor, in particular, at this camp that Clair really looked up to. He worked for the camp teaching arts and crafts and archery. He also worked in the cafeteria for breakfast. He was thirty-eight years old, tall, and a nice looking man, but most importantly he listened to everything that was on Clair’s mind. He even came to her cabin on Sundays and took her to a picnic table where they would talk about the issues Clair was having. On the second to last day of camp he asked Clair if she would help him in the cafeteria. She was more than happy to help him after all he had done for her. The man understood that Clair was vulnerable because he 59

knew that she did not have a strong family structure and he knew that he could manipulate a girl in her position. Once he had her alone, he raped her. Not only did he rape her but he told her that if she told anyone about it that adults would not trust her and that no one would ever love her. The actual truth about the rape did not come out until she started group therapy years later. So is the lesson here, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t trust anyone, ever?â&#x20AC;? It would certainly be fair for Clair to feel this way but that would mean she would go through life without ever again experiencing human connections and affection. Fortunately, through therapy and facing her trauma, Clair has come around to begin trusting others again. As you saw at the beginning of the story, she is now doing well. You have strength within you and with the right help, like Clair, can overcome anything.

Abused by Controlling or Loose Parents I often work with teens that were victims of inadvertent abuse or inadvertent neglect. That is to say, their parents were very involved in their child’s life and proved to be good providers for the family, yet the child still has problems with boundaries or addiction. This is because not all abuse or neglect is as obvious as the kinds we usually think of. Why? A perfect example of this is Kerry. Kerry Kerry constantly complained that her mom was too controlling. Kerry’s dad passed away when she was in the third grade. She was an only child and her mother was more or less completely dependent on Kerry for her own emotional needs. Nine years have passed since Kerry’s dad died and her mom has not dated anyone in all that time. She does not have any friends to speak of and therefore Kerry is her mom’s only source of love and only social outlet. Her mom wants Kerry to be perfect and her mom tries to accomplish this by controlling everything she does. This has built up a lot of resentment on Kerry’s part. In therapy she has often stated, “When I have kids I am going to let them do whatever they want.” She wants to be the exact opposite of her mother. The problem is that both overly controlling and completely freeing children are forms of abuse. Both kinds of parenting have had, and will continue to have, profound consequences on Kerry’s children and then her grandchildren. This is what we mean by trauma being passed down generationally. How did it get to this? Why is Kerry’s mom so controlling and overbearing with her child? To understand why, we need to go back several decades and look at Kerry’s mom’s childhood. Kerry’s mom (Ruthie) was born in Lincoln, Nebraska in 1964. She was raised in a family with two sisters and one brother; they were all at least fifteen years older than Ruthie. Ruthie’s mom was already forty-eight years old when she was born and she passed away when Ruthie was nine years old.

This had a big effect on Ruthie; she felt abandoned and out of control. She always told herself, “If I have kids I am going to be by their side at all times.” Unfortunately, she has gone too far and Kerry feels smothered. Without treatment and boundaries training, Kerry will indeed end up being a very “loose” parent. In time, her kids will feel the same as Ruthie did when she was growing up - abandoned and out of control. Both parenting types in Kerry’s story, controlling and loose, are examples of people that want to be good parents and they try to do the right thing, but due to their circumstances they have trouble implementing effective parenting. Generation after generation, this can lead to anxiety and depression for the children.

Abandonment Mark Mark was born to a teen-aged mother and he never knew his real father. His mom was addicted to methamphetamines, which made her unavailable to his needs. Mark was passed from one relative to another for the first five years of his life before he finally landed in foster care. Now Mark is about to graduate from high school and he is a mess. He has always felt completely unable to control his own life. His teen years and the freedom that comes with getting older have been intimidating. Instead of feeling liberated, it has brought feelings of vulnerability. The If a male has an abandoning only way Mark can avoid these overwhelming feelings has been to always be father he is going to have much “in control” of every relationship in his life. If he is not able to control relationships then he more trouble controlling and keeps girlfriends (and friends) at arms’ length to avoid intimacy. Intimacy can even be regulating his aggression. painful because it means he is close to a person and they can leave him and then he will feel abandoned all over again. If a person has been neglected as a child their fear of abandonment can be overwhelming (just like we saw with Christie). This is usually why kids end up going from foster home to foster home. They are afraid if they get close to the foster parents then the foster parent will leave or the foster parents will make the child leave. So the foster child figures they can avoid this pain by acting out and never letting anyone care for them. I have heard Mark say, “Whenever I like a girl and I hear from her friend that she likes me too, I immediately lose interest in her.” If Mark is still doing this sort of serial dating and sabotaging in his twenties he will need to seek more treatment. If he does not learn to deal with these overwhelming abandonment issues, he will continue to always be in pursuit of a relationship but will never commit. He will sabotage a relationship rather than get close to his girlfriend or let her get close enough to him. 63

If our needs are met when we are children, we feel content and happy. If we do not get our needs met we feel a huge emptiness inside. People describe this emptiness as a “big hole, empty place in my heart, a feeling of loss, longing.” Mark’s mother loved him very much, but her issues made it impossible for her to be an effective mother and Mark is paying the price.

Girls Attracted to “Powerful” or Unavailable Males Stacy By the time Stacy was eighteen she had fallen in love with and desperately wanted to marry Bret. Bret owned a successful car dealership and she worked for him as the receptionist. By the way, in addition to being handsome and successful, Bret is married and has three children. He lives with his wife and kids in a beautiful home across town from Stacy. Stacy always thought her own father was a coward for walking out on her and her mom just because things in their lives got difficult. She told her friends she wanted to date a guy that was powerful, strong and willing to stand up for her. She saw all the qualities she wanted in a man in Bret. Stacy’s friends did warn her about him, saying that he was a womanizer and sleeping with him would only lead to trouble. Somehow, that attracted her to Bret even more. Why? What drew Stacy to a guy like this? Well, two things. First: Stacy If a girl has an had an emotionally and physically unavailable father. Now she is in love abandoning father she with a guy that is not available, following the trends we talked about before. will probably choose Second: Since Stacy never had a positive male role model in her life, she began to abandoning males as idealize men. That is, she thought of them as all-knowing and all-powerful. boyfriends and Naturally, now she is in love with a man that is successful and powerful and can husbands. easily use women who idealize him in that light. A behavioral health professional could help Stacy address her issues. But they can help only if Stacy is willing to tell them about her deep anger at her dad and her idealizing of men. Without treatment to deal with these issues, Stacy will continue to have these types of unhappy, unhealthy 65

relationships. Sooner or later she will probably have a child with one of these types of men. Of course, such a man will leave and Stacy’s child will have the same kind of childhood Stacy had, with no present father Learn from your parents’ mistakes, don’t repeat them. Incidentally, Stacy’s mother’s father was not present when Stacy’s mother was growing up. Since trauma is usually past down from one generation to the next, Stacy’s mom made sure (subconsciously) to marry a man that would not stick around to help her raise Stacy. These cycles are not easy to break, but if they are not broken the victims of abandoning fathers will continue to have suboptimal interpersonal experiences. In other words, long-term happiness with partners will continue to elude people that were victims of abandoning parents. All of the relationships we have seen thus far are unhealthy. Healthy relationships involve reciprocity (give and take) and mutual respect. If someone was abused they probably will not be attracted to these types of relationships. Sociopaths, incapable of offering these types of relationships, will also aggressively seek out people that have been victimized. Healthy sexual feelings and healthy intimate feelings towards another person should exhibit the following traits: 1. Genuine Friendship 2. Honest talk about birth control 3. Discussion about sexual desires 4. Feelings of love 5. Exhibiting nonsexual affection and respect towards each other 6. Privacy 7. Genuine caring 8. Similar age If you were abused, neglected, or traumatized in the past, a relationship like this will not be appealing to you. If you identify better with the way people act in pornographic movies, you will not find these types of relationships appealing. But if you want happy, healthy and long-lasting intimate relationships it is important you understand and use appropriate sexual feelings. 66

Gangs and Abuse Abuse, and its legacy, makes victims extremely susceptible to gang recruitment. While girls may be attracted to self-destructive sex or abusive/unavailable partners, young men with damaged pasts often find the gang lifestyle highly seductive. I have to admit, gangs seem pretty cool. The lifestyle is pretty attractive, at least on the surface. Gangs seem to offer support, protection, social integration, friends, and all the stuff that every teenager desires. If there had been gangs at my school maybe I would have joined. Gangs promise belonging, fellowship, and company. The only problem is that in reality gangs destroy people. Their only purpose is to destroy the participants. The gang does not care who gets hurt or killed; if it did, gangs would change their tactics. A gang is a lie built for people that are easy to take advantage of. Soren I worked with a teenage boy named Soren for over two years. He kept coming back to our facility because he was deeply involved in his gang. Every time he was released from a correctional facility (whether a hospital or prison), he did whatever the gang asked him to do. Soren was born in Baltimore, MD to a loving eighteen year-old mother and an absent father. His mother chose absent or unavailable men because her dad had never been around; so that was how she identified herself â&#x20AC;&#x201C; as unlovable by men. As Soren was growing up, he had to deal with the fact that his biological dad was not willing to spend any time with him while his mother went through a series of abusive, emotionally-unavailable men. Soren began to deeply hate men. He did not trust them. He thought of them all as abusers. Yet he found himself supremely attracted to the gangs at his school. Why? A gang offered everything Soren felt he needed and, most importantly, a way to express anger. He was attracted to violence because he often saw his motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s boyfriends beat her up. Remember, trauma we experience as children becomes attraction when we get to be adolescents. Soren loved the abuse the gang offered because he thought himself only worthy of abuse from males. He felt this 67

way because of the abuse and neglect he witnessed from his momâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s boyfriends and lovers. If gang members are not being abused, they do not feel loved. Unless they get help, the vast majority of gang members will go through life attracted to abuse. For Soren, there was no happy ending. In August 2008, Soren was shot in the chest by a bank security guard and died. He left behind twin girls who will now grow up without their father. The cycle continues.

Exercise for Dealing with Trauma Take a minute to think about your entire life and pick out the worst experience that you have ever had. Maybe this experience was physical abuse or sexual abuse. Maybe a parent abandoned you. Perhaps you were emotionally or verbally abused, or maybe there was a death or a divorce. Write down what happened with that experience. Describe what happened in detail: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

Now describe how this affected your feelings (fearful, lonely, depressed, angry, betrayed) and how it changed the way you act towards others. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

Understanding and resolving your own physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, or other trauma issues will take a lot of work. However, it can be done. I have worked with over two thousand behavioral health patients over the last thirteen years and 100% of them have a history of childhood trauma, i.e., they were abused or neglected by others. This is not self-inflicted trauma these teens are experiencing. When a child is abused they are not able to develop normally. They are not able to regulate their emotions nearly as well as children who were not abused. By regulate emotions I mean being able to maintain feeling states from moment to moment without feeling overwhelmed. If you know someone, maybe a relative or a friend, who is always yelling or angry or flying off the handle, well that would be someone that is not able to regulate emotions; they freak out. Maybe this is because of a psychiatric issue they are having or maybe they came from a household with neglect or abuse. 69

They will need help to learn how to contain these impulses. If they do not get help, well, more often than not people that have problems maintaining their feeling states start to use drugs. Drugs, in particular marijuana, help them maintain base line behavior. Drugs make people feel good. When people use these drugs, they often want more and more. The fact that they want more is not really their fault. There are individuals that become addicted; they have a sensation of needing more, wanting more, missing it, and feel loss when they do not have the drug. This is addiction and it is mediated by a part of the brain called the anterior cingulate. The anterior cingulate is the part of the brain where you feel nurtured, or where you feel loved and cared for by your mother. When people have been abused, neglected, or traumatized that part of the brain does not become fully developed. So when they take certain drugs that part of the brain lights up. The victims can feel loved and nurtured for the first time, literally. Unfortunately, when that sensation is taken away (when the drug wears off) that drug user is going to feel absolutely terrible and empty. This is a setup for addiction, especially if they have the gene for addiction. Other parts of our brain play a role in getting us hooked. There is another part of your brain we need to be aware of in this context, the medial forebrain bundle. It controls drive centers for pleasure. This part of the brain makes us seek out things that make us feel good. If the medial forebrain bundle is triggered by drugs or alcohol, it is off to the races. It is very difficult for this person to stop using because the drugs make the trauma survivor feel better. Since nothing has ever triggered pleasure before, soon enough this part of the brain triggers addiction as it seeks the same stimulation again and again. Addiction, disease, depression, and other ills often accompany childhood trauma. Not enough teenagers are being treated for their conditions. Many go on to abuse their offspring or partners and these patterns are past down generation to generation. This chapter has addressed the dual traumas of abuse and neglect and how people react to them. When a person is abused or neglected, they feel really bad and they want to feel better. That seems natural enough. The problem is too often that, in an attempt to feel better, they engage in 70

activities that are harmful. They do basically anything to avoid the feelings that came from being abused and neglected. Truth be told, these behaviors work for a certain amount of time; they do make the abuse survivor feel better for a while. So long as the distraction they have chosen is present it solves their emotional problems. But these “solutions” really only add to the problems in the long run. To sum up, abuse and neglect leave scars that might be physical, although some of the worst scarring is usually emotional. Abuse and neglect have the potential to destroy a person’s sense of self. They can affect a person’s ability to have healthy relationships, and it can severely affect that person’s ability to function at home, school, or work. If you were traumatized by abuse or neglect, the effects from these traumas can include: • Trouble regulating emotions. If people have been abused or neglected they cannot express emotions safely. As a result, emotions get suppressed underneath the surface, and rise to the surface in unexpected ways, just like an iceberg. Teen and adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They often turn to alcohol or drugs and other quick fixes to try and feel better, but of course these only add to their issues. • Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents who can you trust? Neglect or abuse by a parent or caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship a child or adolescent has since you normally will get your physical and emotional needs met by the person responsible for your care. Without this basic level of care, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships due to fear of being controlled or abused. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because the now-grown trauma survivor doesn’t know what a healthy relationship should look like. 71

• Under the surface feelings of being worthless or damaged. If you have been frequently told as a child that you are stupid, ugly, unwanted, unloved, or no good, it is extremely difficult to overcome an honest feeling that you really are stupid, ugly, unwanted, and unloved. People will usually go through life feeling that way about themselves. They will, in a way, make these feelings part of who they are. As teenagers and then adults, people who were abused or neglected may not strive for more education, or they may settle for a low-paying job, because they do not believe they are worth more. Verbal abuse can be devastating to an individual’s sense of self. When this kind of abuse is reinforced over and over, the person starts to think, “I am a loser,” “I am worthless,” and “I am the source of my mother’s problems.” That abused person will go through life expecting to be abused in all relationships. They will not be attracted to people that have a lot going for them but will be attracted to people who are abusive and emotionally disconnected. Similarly, sexual abuse survivors often go through life feeling damaged and develop unhealthy or dangerous sexual habits as a result. The emotional scars from sexual molestation or abuse make victims likely to seek similar types of people as relationship partners.

Sex There’s something big in the world today, and that is sex. We see it everywhere: in movies and television, in advertising and in the clothes we wear on the street. We hear it in our music and our slang. Our culture is saturated with sex. We are told we must have it, as much as possible and as early as possible. So what should we make of this sexualization of our lives? Are we supposed to go with the flow and indulge or should we wait? What if we feel pressured to have sex but don’t feel ready? What if we don’t want to have sex at all? What choices are there for us?

[The media] make

Teens Not Ready to Have Sex

adolescents feel that if

The modern media tries to make teenage boys and teenage girls feel they are ready to have sex no matter what their age, maturity, or emotional status. Moreover they will make adolescents feel that if they are not having sex then they are a “loser” or “totally uncool.” So the cycle has become: the media (movies, music, TV, internet) makes everyone feel like they should be having sex by the time they reach puberty. Boys who are not having sex should have their very manhood questioned. Girls who are not sexually active should be seen as goody-two-shoes. This creates an environment of intense peer pressure that only contributes to young people feeling overwhelming pressure to have sex, even before they are ready. I can remember going to school in 7th grade and my friends asking me if I was still a

they are not having sex then they are a “loser” or “totally uncool.” So the cycle has become: the media (movies, music, TV, internet) makes everyone feel like they should be having sex by the time they reach puberty.

virgin. I kind of shrugged my shoulders and said, “I guess.” They responded, “Well that means you’re gay.” Mind you this was Mississippi in the mid-1980s and I did not even know what “gay” really meant. I had never even met a homosexual; I only knew that boys got mad when they were called that. So I become indignant. “I’m not gay,” I told them. “I danced with girls at the school dance and I have a poster of Heather Thomas over my bed.” Heather Thomas was really hot back then, I promise. “OK. Well, have you ever kissed a girl?” they countered. I sat there in a long pause and tried to think of someone I could say I had kissed because if I said I had kissed a girl they were going to want a name. I came up with nothing, which was naturally followed by, “See that means you’re a fag.” There it was, even in 7th grade. There was real pressure that made me try to do things with girls that I was not emotionally or physically ready to do. Teens will do most anything to be accepted by their peers. Please remember this story when someone is trying to get you to have sex with them and you are not ready, girls in particular. Remember, boys will say and do anything to appease their friends and satisfy what they feel they need both from Mother Nature and from society. Funny thing is, I found out about seven years after this happened to me that those kids who were making fun of me had not been with a girl either.

Melissa Melissa is fourteen years old and in the 8th grade. She is supposed to be in the 9th grade, but her parents moved school districts and in the new school she was way behind in math and science so the administrators and her parents decided it would be a good idea to hold her back for a year. As a result, Melissa is more physically and mentally developed than the other girls in her classes. This gets her a lot of attention from the boys. Last month, she met Daniel at a school dance and the two really hit it off. They are together all the time now; the relationship has progressed faster than any relationship either of them has ever had. Daniel has already tried several times to have sex with Melissa. But Melissa is a little freaked out at the thought of losing her virginity. She has approached friends, telling them that she is not ready. She says when he tries to persuade her it makes her nervous and she finds an excuse to go home. Her friends came from the same background she did and gave her advice that was…less than healthy. So keep in mind that your friends may mean well but may not always give the best advice. Melissa really likes Daniel and is considering having sex with him because she believes if she does not he will break up with her. Melissa’s best friend told her, “Daniel can have any girl he wants, if I were you I’d give it up to him.” Huh? What do you think? Let’s say she has sex with Daniel. Will he like her more? Will he respect her more? Will he tell her he loves her? Will that convince him to stay with Melissa longer? Well she thinks the answer is yes, but you should decide for her, and for yourself, after you have read this section. Let’s pause for a minute. If you are considering having sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend but you are nervous or continually anxious, that is your mind and body’s way of telling you that you are not ready. Women can even experience a condition called vaginismis. These are muscle spasms that tighten the muscles around the vagina. Vaginismis is caused by nervousness and can make sex very painful or even virtually impossible. If you feel uncomfortable about having sex, you are not ready. Don’t push yourself into something you do not really want to do! 75

Oftentimes boys say they are not going to pressure girls into sex, but they do. Girls should try to understand the male mind. Men and teen boys have an insatiable urge to have sex and they will say and do anything to make it happen. They are under the influence of steroid called testosterone. Girls and women often do not understand guys’ biology. In fact, it is absolutely essential for a female to think like a male if she wants to start getting into relationships with males. They must realize males do not think like they do and males have different objectives than a female. The guys you go to school with, the guys in your neighborhood, even the friendly clerk in the checkout line are all biologically programmed to say and do anything to achieve intercourse. This drive was created by Mother Nature to ensure the survival of the human race. Unfortunately, it means men always have an instinctive urge to pressure you, whether consciously and intentionally or not, into having sex. This biological urge is coupled with tremendous peer pressure boys put on each other. There is also tremendous pressure from the media, which equates sexual conquest and success with masculinity. As a result, guys that do not try to have sex with a lot of women can have their manhood questioned. A boy might start to think being a virgin means they are childish. The inability to “score” leads some to even start to question their own sexuality. Keep all this in mind when he is coming on strong. Also, bear this in mind when you are alone with guys that you do not know very well or people you do not completely trust. Unless you are prepared for any circumstances, do not be completely alone with a guy. Listen girls, you are special; you have value; you are important. Your identity is not tied up in who wants to have sex with you and who thinks you are “hot.” Beware! Guys will go to the ends of the earth to have sex with you. They will spend a lot of money on you. They will follow you around. They will look into your eyes and tell you they love you. Hey, maybe they do love you, but go slow. Talk about sex with an adult that you trust. You will begin to understand that no woman has ever said, “I wish I lost my virginity when I was younger.” That woman does not exist. Do not be in a hurry to become sexually active. Waiting never hurt anyone. Do not lose your virginity until 76

you are ready. Don’t let a boy talk you into it. Don’t let a boy pressure you into it. If it comes down to sex or breaking up, break up. That guy isn’t worth it. Having sex with a guy will not get him to like you any more than he already does. Make no mistake about it. Quite the opposite; if a guy really likes you for you, he will do anything and put up with anything to be with you. Having sex with him will not create the intimacy you are Having sex with a guy will not get looking for. No matter what him to like you any more than he he says before, during, or after sex or while already does. contemplating sex, guys are only interested in accomplishing the deed. Guy’s sexual motivation is vastly different from girls’. Usually when a girl commits to having sex with a boy it is because she thinks it will provide the intimacy that females long for. It will not. Given their almost insatiable drive to copulate with females, men are not looking to achieve intimacy (at least not initially), trust me. Of course, this is not what the beauty magazines tell you. They say women and men are the same; don’t believe it. Males and females have different drive centers. Mother Nature programs guys to plant their seed in as many places as possible so that the human race survives. Of course, this means men have a preprogrammed biological incentive to have as much sex – without commitment – as possible. Females, however, want security and stability. Guys are facing a very short-term commitment, while girls are facing an eighteen-year commitment. They might turn to sex because the media says sex equals intimacy, but the fact is you will not find the stability or security you seek just from getting it on. And please remember girls, if you are having sex without the goal of intimacy look at your relationship with your father. If you did not have an intimate relationship, then perhaps you will continue to seek empty relationships that do not offer closeness. If there was trauma (abuse or neglect), you could have an aversion to intimacy and will most likely have a drive to have sex with emotionally unavailable males. This kind of sex will lead you to actually relive the 77

trauma you experienced as a child. If you were abused or neglected, your sexual drives will generally be unhealthy and you should seek treatment. If not, you will simply go through life attracting those types of males who will abuse you. Remember: Trauma as children becomes attraction as adults. Having an unavailable parent is often traumatic and will likely affect your ability to choose relationships and sexual partners. Have you ever seen a prostitute and wondered how she could do that? “How can she have sex with guys she does not know?” “How can she have sex with multiple strangers every night?” Those women were severely traumatized when they were children, more often than not they were sexually accosted and brutalized by a male and they are, ironically, attracted to unavailable abusers. They run to the abusers and become dependent on them. And every time they are abused they sink into their sickness a little bit further, more of their soul dies, and it is harder and harder to be receptive to treatment and a healthy lifestyle. Girls, if you grew up with an emotionally or physically unavailable father, that is neglect and you will probably choose partners that are neglectful. Girls or women who are “loose” typically have sex with guys they are not emotionally connected to because they are having an unhealthy emotional component satisfied. We date people for a reason. We have sex with people for a reason. If I grow up with an absent father, then as a young girl I will want to be with boys or girls who are not emotionally available. If I grow up with loving, available, aware parents then I will be attracted to those types of people. So why is this important? Well, just think about why you date who you date. Why do you have sex with that person? If you come from an abusive or neglectful home, you will be attracted to abusive/neglectful relationships. Remember, trauma becomes attraction. We do not realize it, but physical attractiveness is not all that important when it comes to us choosing who we want to be with; it’s the kind of family we grew up in.

Teen Pregnancy Marisa

Having a child Marisa received her GED two months ago and any day now she is leaving for Job at this point in Corp, where she will be trained in computers and secretarial work. Since she started the their lives will GED program she has been dating Alihondro. Alihondro is nineteen years old. only hold them He finished high school last year and is now stocking shelves at a grocery store his sister down. It will manages. About three weeks ago, he told Marisa that he wants to have a child with her. Marisa has told him that she does not keep them living want to have kids now, but they only periodically use birth control. Marisaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s in poverty; it mother has tried to explain to her that Alihondro is nineteen and impulsive and in will practically all likelihood he will not marry her. He will not be around to raise this child. By the way, ensure they will Marisa was raised by her mother in a single parent household. Marisa and Alihondro should not have not have a kids right now. They face a big enough struggle trying to take care of their own better life than needs. Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s be honest, Marisa and Alihondro having a child at this point in their parents. their lives will only hold them down. It will keep them living in poverty; it will practically ensure they will not have a better life than their parents. This is a never-ending cycle for some families and society for that matter. Listen if you have kids before you are financially and emotionally ready, KIDS will keep you down! 79

Raising a child is a full-time occupation and will take up all of your time and resources if you do it right.

Even if Marisa only has one child, she will spend the next eighteen years doing everything in her power just to stay above water. The child will take up all of her limited time and resources. And without question Alihondro will get out of the picture once things start to get difficult. Guys will say they will always be there for you and the baby; don’t count on it. When you are young and do not yet have job skills or a college education, time is your best friend. So wait! Once Marisa has a child there is no Job Corp, there is no night school, and there are no second chances. The child will monopolize all of her time and resources, and all of Marisa’s mother’s time as well. If she really loves Alihondro it would serve their relationship well to double down on birth control and wait. What’s the rush? They’ve got their whole lives ahead of them. And then, hey, the child will have a better life! Or if Marisa decides she does not want kids, then that is fine too. When you have a child, intentionally or not, you give up your independence. People that have kids and continue to live as they did before having a child, i.e. continuing to do what they want when they want, are not going to be good parents. They’re just not. And then their kids will not receive the attention they need and in all likelihood these kids will grow up and have children and not be a part of their kid’s lives. So don’t think that having a kid is just a 9-month pregnancy hiatus in your life. Raising a child is a full-time occupation and will take up all of your time and resources if you do it right.

Brittany Brittany did not want kids; she saw how difficult it was for her mother to raise her. Her mom gave birth to Brittany when she was still in high school. Brittany’s boyfriend, Devonte, did not want kids either. He often said he did not want to have children until he was in his thirties. Problem was, they were having sex but not using birth control consistently. She did not get on the pill because she thought if she went to the doctor to request birth control her mom would find out she was having sex with Devonte. So the young couple decided they would use condoms. But oftentimes Devonte did not want to use them. He told Brittany it would be alright if he just “pulled out.” Fact check! It is not alright because sperm is coming out the entire time that sex is happening, not just during ejaculation. “Pre-cum” contains sperm too! In fact, “pulling out” – AKA the rhythm and withdrawal method – only works about 80% of the time. This sounds like a big number, but it really means you have a 1-in-5 chance of getting pregnant every time you have sex without a condom. Studies have shown that couples who rely on condoms do not use them every time they have sex. Needless to say, eventually they slipped up. Brittany is seven months pregnant and she is only in the eleventh grade. Devonte wanted to join the Marines this year, but he is staying at his mom’s house and getting a job because he says he will stay and take care of the new baby. Most teens do not plan on getting pregnant. Yet, if the woman does not take birth control this is probably going to happen. Wanting not to get pregnant is not enough; if you are going to have sex it is crucial to use adequate protection from pregnancy and STDs. Parents, teachers, schools, governments - you must talk to teens about sex. Make sure they are aware of the consequences of having sex. Very often the argument I hear from adults is, “If you talk to teens about sex that will motivate them to do it.” Well if that is the case we should not talk to our teenagers about drugs, driving fast, gangs, violence, or stealing because that will get them to do it as well. Teens; educate yourselves; be informed. Knowledge about your body and knowledge about the opposite sex’s body will certainly help you make 81

the right decisions. It also helps most teens to know that raising a child costs about $10,000 a year according to U.S. Department of Agriculture's 2006 Annual Report "Expenditures on Children by Families." Hey teens, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like $833 a month. What would you rather buy for $833 a month? Video games, electronics, and DVDs? Or diapers, formula, and anal thermometers? Unfortunately, in this society it is very common for people to have children as a way to manage affect. That means they have babies to try and feel better about life. I work with a young woman named Vickie. Vickie had two children before the age of eighteen. Why? She was unhappy, she felt isolated, confused, poor, and she did not have a healthy relationship with her mom. She did not know her father at all. Well, Vickie thought a child would make her feel happy, comforted, successful, and make her feel like she was part of a family. She loves her child, BUT, the child did not make her feel any of those things. So she got pregnant again. Now Vickie is a twenty-three year-old single mother with two kids and feels unhappy, isolated, confused, and poor. She also has an emotionally unhealthy relationship with her two children. The only difference now and before she had kids is that now she has two kids that are growing up feeling unhappy, isolated, confused, poor and with no present/dependable male role model. If Vickieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s children do not receive some counseling or treatment it is almost guaranteed they will recreate the same environment for their kids. If you were victimized because you grew up in a dysfunctional home where your parents abused or neglected you, then there are a few things you need to take care of. It is supremely important that you do not have children before you are much older and have worked through these issues. Right now, today, you need to get therapy, an education, experience, then a career, money, and stable relationships. But beware in the meantime. While this recovery is happening watch out for the people you are attracted to, because they will tend to be abusive or unavailable. They may also try to pressure you into starting a family when you are not yet ready to do so. Whatever happens, do not become a young parent! That is one of the biggest mistakes a teenager can make. Just like you should not be flying a helicopter at sixteen, there are a lot of things you should not be doing while still a teenager. Parenting is one of them. Not wanting to get pregnant is not enough. Ninety percent of the teenage mothers I work with did not want to get pregnant, but they did not use birth control or abstinence. They had sex

and hoped for the best. Good intentions will not keep you from getting pregnant. Sometimes a girl’s father is physically available, but he is not emotionally available. This can result in other types of problems. Listen up ladies. Perhaps your father did not give you the attention you deserved and now you are developing into a women and a lot of guys are attracted to you. But those guys are not going to cure anything. Don’t get me wrong; I know it feels good to have the opposite sex interested in you, but you will eventually feel used and abused by these guys. Do not think because you have these guys interested in you that you are somehow more mature than the other 16-year-old girls. No, it is actually because of the disconnect you had with your father. This might be hard for you to believe, but victimizer type guys use their sixth sense to know you were not provided for by your daddy and they will seek you out like bees to flowers. If you are aware of the other teens at your school, you will start to see a pattern. The girls that have low self-esteem will usually be having sex with many different partners. Correcting this condition will take a lot of work. Some boundaries must be put in place by a trustworthy adult. Until you address your issues, always remember this rule:

IF YOU HAVE AN ABANDONDING OR ABSENT FATHER, YOU ARE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO CHOOSE ABANDONING MALES AS PARTNERS. Why does this happen? Why do the children of emotionally unavailable or abandoning men end up attracted to guys who will treat them the same way? Young girls that are abused or neglected by their fathers develop an internal split. Think of it as being kind of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It is as though they have a good self and a bad self. They attach the bad self to men. They do this because the relationships with men require closeness and closeness can only be achieved through the bad self (the “bad self” that the male role model neglected or abused). Wow, that was heavy. Why don’t we read that again? 83

Girls, if you had an abusive or unavailable father you will probably choose two types of guys. Guys who are jerks or bad boys Guys who are emotionally and/or physically unavailable because they are already dating someone, married, gay, or just live far away. Continuing to have bad relationships is just the tip of the iceberg. A girl trapped in this situation only shows a fraction of her problems. She and society will only see the divorces and the break ups; they will not see what is under the surface unless she gets treatment and then only a trained professional will help her work through her issues. Abuse and neglect do not just affect which partners women seek out. Bad parenting affects men too. People need to adjust their thinking about men who were abuse victims. If a young man has an abusive parent(s) he will be attracted to people who reflect his abuse history. If his mother abused him, then he will seek out abusive women. If his mother was an addict/alcoholic, he will likely seek out that kind of personality in partners. These relationships will confirm his feelings that women are untrustworthy and perhaps be used to justify his abusing his girlfriend or wife. How can such a victim fix this disturbing situation? He should date people to whom he is not initially attracted. Because of the abuse he suffered his â&#x20AC;&#x153;radarâ&#x20AC;? is broken and HE CANNOT TRUST HIS INSTINCTS about potential partners. It is actually better to NOT go with his first instinct in seeking companionship unless he has been successfully treated for these issues. For both men and women, bad parenting or histories of abuse and neglect often lead to a dangerous kind of relationship: codependency.

Codependence/Rescuers Stephanie Stephanie always dated addicts and could not figure out why. Her father is a recovering alcoholic. She is twenty-five years old and a successful school administrator. She is educated and smart but has a burning desire to “fix men.” This is codependence. Stephanie gets into relationships and dismisses or justifies the behaviors of her man. She becomes an enabler. With Stephanie’s enabling (rescuing), her lover’s addiction issues invariably become worse. Stephanie is not an addict or alcoholic, therefore she does not need to attend A.A. meetings; she needs to attend Al-Anon. Her problem is that she actually makes things worse for those she cares about. Stephanie needs to face her own demons – the legacy of her father’s alcoholism – so she can stop enabling the self-destruction of men in her life. Al-Anon helps adult families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with the problem drinking of a relative or friend. Alateen is an organization to help young people who are relatives or friends of people with drinking problems. Alateen groups are sponsored by Al-Anon members. Al-Anon and Alateen have been offering strength and hope for friends and families of problem drinkers for years. It is estimated that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people. Alcoholism is truly a family disease. No matter what relationship someone has with an alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have been affected by someone else’s drinking can find solutions that lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship. In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. Members will meet others who share their feelings and frustrations, if not the exact same situation. Members come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

In terms of the burning desire to fix partners, this is mostly a female trait. Generally speaking, guys do not have this component to their persona; men are often completely self-absorbed and have no desire to change women. Women, on the other hand, have a motivation to “make dad right,” that is to say, to fix in her boyfriend that which she could not fix with her dad. Attempting to do so is always unsuccessful and ungratifying. As hard as you try, you are not going to turn Eminem into Bono. It just does not work. Girls, do not try to change your partners; don’t make them into a project that you are going to fix. Try to find men that are open and compassionate to your needs. The problem is, if you have an abusive, addicted, or unavailable dad, you will probably not be attracted to open/compassionate guys, because as stated before, you will be attracted to guys that come close to your father’s example. Be careful when you find yourself making excuses for your boyfriend, or trying endlessly to help him with problems he himself refuses to acknowledge.

Wade Codependence for men often takes the form of trying to be a rescuer, to make up for the fact we could not save our parents. When Wade was growing up, his father was not around. His sister lived with his father on the east coast. Consequently, Wade was raised by his mother who was morbidly obese. Due to the mother being extremely overweight and having no one to take care of her, the responsibility fell on Wade. He essentially became her care provider. He went to the grocery store for her. He helped her get out of bed. He helped her use the restroom. Wade was even paying the bills and balancing the checkbook by the time he was in the ninth grade. When Wade started dating, he always chose girls that were clingy and had a lot of emotional needs. Some might say he had a taste for “high maintenance” women. Last year, Wade began therapy through a program at the university near his high school. He is now learning how to stand up for himself instead of waiting for girls to idealize him. Wade has broken the cycle. He got out of the codependent relationships and started dating girls who were more selfsufficient. If you are in a situation where you are a care provider for someone in your family, go to a codependency recovery program like Alateen and do the twelve steps. IT’S FREE! If you are not willing to do the steps, if you are not willing to get a sponsor and change internally, then you will continue to have codependent relationships. It may seem strange to argue that people like Wade and Stephanie need help. After all, they have a burning desire to help and fix people who may not be able to help themselves. Doesn’t this make an ideal match? Not really; healthy relationships have reciprocity (mutual exchange). By reciprocity I mean true give-and-take where both partners’ needs are respected and provided for. Unhealthy relationships are characterized by relationships in which one partner is idealized for what he or she can offer emotionally or financially. You do not want to spend your adult life in dysfunctional or codependent relationships. If you are the son or daughter of someone that was emotionally or physically sick, get involved in a program because having a traumatic childhood does not make you more mature. It may 87

actually make you feel as though you were never allowed to be a child; in psychology we say it “parentalizes” childhood and it usually turns people into care providers and codependents. They need someone to care for and look after in order to feel whole. They are unable to have mutual reciprocal relationships. Stephanie will never be able to “fix” a man in the way she craves just as Wade will never be able to be happy as long as he is solely a care provider. I recently checked up on Wade and he is doing great. He has been in a committed and healthy relationship throughout his senior year and plans on attending college to study psychology. Wade’s sister, Trudy, however, is not faring so well. She was raised by their dad. Wade and Trudy’s father was not really available for either of them. He was always out of town working or with a girlfriend. And when he was home he was not emotionally available to Trudy. Trudy is now dating and she is unconscientiously seeking out guys with chaotic pasts. She was not given the type of emotional nourishment that she needed as a child. Until she gets help, she will continue to seek out troubled men to “fix.” Let’s hope she can get some of the same help that Wade got for himself.

Cindy Cindy is in the therapist’s office on the campus of the nursing school that she is attending. She is depressed, overwhelmed, and dealing with a lot of guilt placed on her by her mother. Cindy is her mother’s care provider because her mother is totally dependent on Cindy for everything. Cindy’s parents were in a car accident when she was ten. Her father was killed and her mother suffered a broken neck. For the last nine years, her mom has been severely addicted to painkillers. They have been getting by on social security and Medicaid. Cindy’s mom began attending drug treatment meetings about four months ago, but she is faking her recovery and still using prescription drugs. There is little Cindy can do to change her own mother’s behavior. Cindy learned through her school therapist that she is only in charge of herself. She has decided that she will start attending an Alateen program. In Alateen she will learn what is going on with her mother, learn appropriate family boundaries, and get healthy so that she does not hand down this pattern of excessive dependency onto her children. Ultimately, this improvement may have a positive effect on the mother. Cindy’s mother will experience a real wake-up call and will be forced to realize that she can no longer be codependent on her daughter. Cindy had assumed that codependent role because she was PARENTALIZED as a child and not given the ability to experience her youth without huge demands being placed on her by her mother. It was never her responsibility to take care of and support her mother. Now with therapy she has come to realize this and is breaking free. Always remember: It is not your responsibility to fix your parents! Cindy is educating herself about her codependency issues. She is also learning about her mother’s addiction. Cindy has been shocked to find out that there is a 50% chance that she inherited the gene for addiction from her mom. Inheritance is a strange beast. Whether one or both parents have addictions, about half of their children are likely to develop addiction themselves. All of the children may even have the gene, but not all will 89

develop an addiction. Cindyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Alateen sponsor is helping her understand the problems that might come along with her heredity and work through it. As for Cindyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s schooling, her meetings with Alateen and her therapist have caused her to question nursing. Nursing is a wonderful and fulfilling field that is essential to humankind. But ever since Cindy has been educating herself about her own codependency issues she has lost interest in it. Nursing requires people to engage in care providing and Cindy says it would be better for her to not choose nursing as a career. Instead she has decided to get her real estate license and move to California.

Always remember: It is not your responsibility to fix your parents!

Katrisha

People that are

People that are emotionally unstable (impulsive actions, rapidly emotionally unstable shifting moods, and chaotic relationships) will seek out people that (impulsive actions, are emotionally unstable. This is how codependency works. Each personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s dysfunction plays into the others. rapidly shifting moods, Katrisha was raised in a home with an alcoholic father. Consequently, and chaotic relationships) she became codependent, always standing up for, aiding, and enabling will seek out people that people with substance abuse problems. Katrisha began dating when she was in are emotionally unstable. the tenth grade and started hanging out with a guy that smoked a lot of pot. She said that she did not want to be with anyone who drank because of her experience with her fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s drinking. However, she did not see the similarities between her alcoholic father and boyfriend that smoked drugs. Eventually, Katrisha and her marijuana-addicted boyfriend Mike had a child together. Through the pregnancy and even after, the couple stayed together and even started looking for an apartment together. Recently, Mike has started going to N.A. (Narcotics Anonymous) and has even started a technical school program where he is being trained in heating and air conditioning repair. Mike is getting his life together and trying to be a good father. Ironically, for as much as she says she hated the fact that her father never sobered up, Katrisha is subconsciously opposed to Mikeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s getting healthy due to her codependency. It was the addiction issues that actually brought them together in the first place. She needs him to be a wreck that she can work to fix. She actually cheated on Mike to sabotage the relationship. 91

This is an important, but sad, point: if there are two emotionally sick people in a relationship and one of them starts to get healthy, it is going to scare the other person because they are going to have to do some selfexamination and that can be horrifying. The individual that is not trying to get healthy (Katrisha) will usually feel abandoned and out of control. This often leads to them trying to undermine the relationship. Often the one that is choosing not to get healthy simply wants to recreate the chaos that was in the home they grew up in. If you come from a traumatic childhood and do not seek treatment, in all likelihood you will recreate this environment for your child, if you choose to have kids. It is not your fault if you were abused or neglected, however, it is incumbent upon you to seek help and not repeat the mistakes that led to your trauma.

Caleb Caleb has been in therapy for about three months. He is fifteen years old and is being homeschooled by a Christian outreach program that hopefully will help him graduate from high school by the end of next year. This school allows students to work at their own pace and Caleb assumed he would take full advantage of that. Caleb’s father and mother got a divorce when he was in the second grade and his sister was still in kindergarten. Caleb and his sister Lauren lived with their mother and their father moved to another state. They only see their father at Christmas and Spring Break. Caleb and Lauren have told their Dad that they would like to spend more time with him and maybe even spend the summer with him, but their dad always tells them that he has to work. He also has a girlfriend that lives with him and they started a business together. Caleb’s mother has been very supportive through all of this strife. She is patient, loving and has also taken the role of provider for the household due to the fact that his father does not consistently pay child support. Yet, through all of this Caleb has identified with his father and blamed his mother for the divorce. He has enormous anger about the whole thing; it keeps him up at night and he wants to talk to his sister but she does not want to deal with it. It is just too painful for her and she tells her brother, “Talk to mom.” If you met Caleb you would not think that he is angry. No, he comes across as very calm and cool. The anger really rears its head when Caleb is with his girlfriend, Haley. He is mean spirited and verbally abusive towards her, and everyone they are around can easily see it. Ironically, Haley has the same personality as Caleb’s mom. She is loving, caring, and works hard to make Caleb happy. He, on the other hand, puts all his anger and depression onto her and blows up at the smallest indiscretion. She tolerates his acting like a jerk because her father was verbally abusive. So Caleb fits her image of the archetypal male. This is a codependent relationship. If Caleb does not receive counseling, he will continue to have suboptimal relationships. He needs to deal with the anger that has built up about his father and reconcile with his mother. If Caleb continues to idealize his father and demonize his mother, he will continue to find partners that will allow themselves to be mistreated. 93

Brody Brody was born into a supportive family system. His mother was emotionally available and his biological dad was present and loving. However, his parents were so loving and so “present” that they were actually intrusive upon Brody’s life. They wanted to know where he was at all times (even when he began college), who he was with at all times, what he was thinking about, even to the point of tracking him with his GPS phone on his college campus. All this was hiding a deep secret: Brody’s mom was sick. She suffered from psychosis (extreme paranoia). When Brody’s father was not around, Brody bore the brunt of her chaos. He, Brody, became her care provider. He took care of his mom the best he could and tried to provide for her every need. This has all the makings of a rescuer. Brody was at the University of Arizona and making good grades and involved in school government. He could have had practically any girl on campus. But what kind of girl did he choose? Think about it. Does he want someone that is healthy and taking care of themselves? No. He always knew, even from a young age, he would find someone that needs fixing. During Brody’s sophomore year he met Angela. Angela is beautiful, tall, and on the honor role. Brody was not attracted to her at first when they met in a Russian Literature class, but a romance soon blossomed. Why? Angela, along with her positive attributes, is divorced, has two kids with an abandoning alcoholic, and is suffering from issues due to a traumatic childhood. Angela got pregnant in high school, dropped out and married her baby’s father. The marriage lasted about two years and then her husband split. Angela is trying desperately to get her life together and she finds Brody. Why are they perfect for each other? She needs to be rescued from her life and Brody, due to his codependent issues, is there to do the rescuing. He feels he has to control the situation. It is ingrained in him that only he can fix her and he has to be in control. Brody wanted a project to act as a replacement for his mother and he has found the perfect surrogate in Angela. She needs a lot of attention and he is “all in” to use a poker term. Brody did 94

not want someone that was independent and healthy; no, he wanted someone that came with a lot of baggage.

Once you are older and more knowledgeable about your childhood you can realize that all the things that happen to us we let happen to us based on our level of mental health.

For her part, Angela had a father that was abusive and an enabling/rescuing mother. Essentially, she married her father when she married her first husband (who was neglectful and abandoning) and when she realized that did not work; she latched onto her mother, that is, Brody (a rescuer). This is codependence. All this is certainly not to say that Brody or Angela or any of those mentioned is a bad person. We are trying to understand and recognize behavior so that we do not repeat patterns that lead to dysfunction and unsatisfying relationships. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go through life portraying yourself as either a victim or rescuer. You are not responsible for what was done to you as a child. You are responsible for getting healthy. Once you are older and more knowledgeable about your childhood you can realize that all the things that happen to us we let happen to us based on our level of mental health.

Rescuerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Checklist Completing this checklist can help you become aware of ways you may be rescuing people without realizing it. This can help you to seek help if you need it. 1. Is it hard for you to take time for yourself and have fun? ___ YES ___ NO 2. Do you supply words for someone else when she/he hesitates?

___ YES ___ NO

3. Do you set limits for yourself that you exceed?

___ YES ___ NO

4. Do you believe you are responsible for making (keeping) someone else happy?

___ YES ___ NO

5. Do you like to lend a shoulder for someone else to "cry" on?

___ YES ___ NO

6. Do you believe that the other person is not sufficiently grateful for your help?

___ YES ___ NO

7. Do you take care of someone else more than you take care of yourself?

___ YES ___ NO

8. Do you find yourself interrupting when someone else is talking?

9. Do you watch for clues for ways to be helpful to someone else? 10. Do you make excuses, open or mentally, for another person?

___ YES ___ NO

___ YES ___ NO ___ YES ___ NO 96

11. Do you do more than your share, that is, work harder than someone else does? 12. When someone else is unsure or uncomfortable about doing something, do you do it for him or her? 13. Do you NOT do things you would like because someone else wouldn't like you doing so?

___ YES ___ NO

14. Do you find yourself thinking that you really know what is best for someone else?

___ YES ___ NO

15. Do you think someone else would have grave difficulty getting along without you?

___ YES ___ NO

16. Do you use the word "we" and then find you don't have the other person's consent?

___ YES ___ NO

17. Do you stop yourself by thinking someone will feel badly if you say or do something?

___ YES ___ NO

18. Is it hard for you NOT to respond to anyone who seems to be hurting or needing help?

___ YES ___ NO

19. Do you find yourself being resented when you were only trying to be helpful?

___ YES ___ NO

20. Do you find yourself giving advice that is not welcome or accepted?

___ YES ___ NO

Scoring: Record 1 point for each YES and 0 points for NO. If you have 10 or more points, you may be a Rescuer. Everyone has some traits of a rescuer at some times. However, if you answered honestly and scored more than 10 points on this quiz, you may want to stop and examine why you feel you must always help and save others. Make sure your relationships are based on mutual benefit, encouragement and affection, not feeding each other’s [Codependent] weakness.

family

members learn to Codependency is a learned behavior. It is passed down from parents to children. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects a person’s ability to have healthy and satisfying relationships. People that come from codependent families get involved in relationships that are often dysfunctional and abusive. A dysfunctional/codependent family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Dysfunctional families do not talk about problems in their relationships. They don’t talk about them or deal with them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions, push them under the surface and disregard their own needs, so that all we see is the top of the dysfunctional iceberg. They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They act as if there is not a problem. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand codependency the better you can cope with its effects.

repress emotions, push them under the surface and disregard their own needs, so that all we see is the top of the dysfunctional iceberg.

Codependence and Addiction Trevor In 2003, one of my best friends in the world drove his car up to the top of a parking garage, hopped up on the ledge and jumped. He had been telling me for fifteen years that he wanted to die. “I hate my life, Thomas. I hate my family,” he said to me on at least a hundred occasions. What caused him to feel this way? My other friends did not want to die, or at least they never told me they did. I guess to understand why someone wants to end their life it is important to look at their life. Trevor was born in Dallas, Texas in 1972. His father was a judge and his mother was a teacher at the school we both attended. To make things clearer, let’s go back a little bit further. Trevor’s mother was raised by two alcoholic parents that she felt responsible for and she married an alcoholic, Trevor’s father. In her mind she wanted to “make right” all those problems that did not work out with her parents. In other words, she was codependent on people with alcoholism, because they need fixing. She needed to rescue them. Trevor was born to this couple and consequently raised by a codependent mother and alcoholic father. This affected Trevor in many profound ways. The first time I spent the night at Trevor’s house was in the fifth grade. We had a great time that night playing Atari and watching football on a big screen TV. They had one of the first big screens in the city. At about midnight Trevor woke me up and said “Let’s go throw the football in the front yard.” I was completely confused and bewildered and did not want to go, but he practically dragged me out the front door. We sat on the curb with our feet on the street and watched the cars go by for about five minutes before I asked him, “What’s up?” Trevor replied, “My Dad’s pie-eyed.” I did not know what that meant, so he said, “My Dad drinks…a lot.” I was eleven years old and had never been around a drunken person, or at least not to that extent. As we sat in the front yard we could hear his dad inside yelling at his mom and his mom telling him, “Get out of my house! You are destroying my family!” 99

I asked Trevor, “So how long you think we’ll be out here?” “Well, in the next half hour he will either pass out or get in the car and take off,” Trevor replied. This scared me. If I go in the house and go to sleep, is this guy going to come in our room and harass us? If he comes outside is he going to hurt his son? Should I call my parents? I could only imagine what it was like for Trevor growing up in this environment. A child can be traumatized by parents that are out of control. The child can be scared and often even feel responsible for the parent’s behavior. Trevor felt as though he was in the back seat of a car and his dad was driving drunk. He felt he had to somehow find a way to get the steering wheel from his dad and keep it away from his mom. Since his mom was raised by two alcoholics, she was codependent on Trevor’s father. Here is a 45-year-old woman who feels her life depends on an abusive person. Why? Because when she was a child her life depended on an abusive person. She enabled him to keep on drinking. She enabled her husband to keep abusing.

Here is a 45-year-old woman who feels her life depends on an abusive person. Why? Because when she was a child her life depended on an abusive person.

Trevor grew up with an alcoholic parent and he blamed himself as well as became codependent. He would often say, “My dad is a great guy and it is very stressful for him to take care of me and my brother and mom.” Trevor was making excuses for his dad and sometimes even felt responsible for his dad. When we got into our teens Trevor became noticeably attracted to alcohol. He soon built up a tolerance with whiskey and marijuana, drinking and smoking more and more. How could this happen? He spent all his life seeing how booze destroys people and families.

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The answer lies in the nature of addiction. Addiction simply means that a person cannot stop doing something despite consequences to relationships, work, health, legal issues, or finances. If they continue the behavior in the face of these consequences then they are addicted, period. Research has shown over the years that addiction is largely genetic. This does not mean that if your parents have problems with addiction then you will definitely have addiction problems. It also does not mean if your family does not have problems with addiction then you have nothing to worry about. It simply means if your family has a history of addiction then you are more likely to have problems than someone that does not have the gene. Studies have shown that of people with addictions on both sides of their family, 60% of them have issues with addiction or alcoholism. If a person has one side of the family with addiction issues, research has shown that 32% end up with addiction problems. If you take a look at individuals that have no history of addiction in the family, only 21% of them will develop addiction. Trevor received the addiction gene and his brother did not. His brother only drank occasionally. Whenever he drank it was just one or two beers. When Trevor drank he consumed alcohol until he was completely â&#x20AC;&#x153;wasted.â&#x20AC;? This is another sign of addiction, not having the ability to stop or regulate the intake of a substance. It got to where every time I saw Trevor he was completely trashed. On the advice of all of his friends and his parents, Trevor began to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Twelve-step programs like this are absolutely wonderful and they are free. They are composed of other people who are going through the same issues, and most importantly they are 100% effective if members adhere to the program. By the time we finished high school Trevor was attending meetings and he had a sponsor, but he was still drinking. He was also getting into prescription drugs. It began to look obvious that he really did not want to change. And he did not change. After another ten years of alcoholism and drug abuse he took his own life while he was using drugs. If you have a parent battling addiction it is of supreme importance that you seek help from a twelve-step program or mental health professional. This person could be an adult at your school or any family doctor. 101

Addiction, like any disease, is treatable if the individual is willing to admit the problem and trust others to help them. Always remember, you are not responsible for the health of your parent. If they are addicted then they are suffering from an illness and need to get help. Being addicted to something does not make someone a bad parent. But not receiving help and treatment for the addiction is what makes someone a bad parent. All a child needs are sober/attentive parents. As stated earlier, Trevor’s brother did not develop any addictions. However, he became the caretaker of the family. He was the rescuer. Due to two out-ofcontrol parents he, through no fault of his own, developed poor family boundaries. Trevor’s brother felt that he had to take care of everyone and be the perfect child. He did great academically and athletically. But other aspects of his life suffered. His girlfriends were needy and chaotic and they took advantage of him. He also developed OCD. OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is when someone develops rituals to avoid anxiety. Trevor’s brother’s rituals were washing his hands and never having creases in his clothes. He had to wash his hands constantly and his clothes had to be perfect at all times. OCD can manifest itself in many ways, including pulling one’s own hair out, never throwing anything away, or walking on a sidewalk and never touching a crack. Really OCD rituals can be anything that someone can do to fill their time instead of dealing with their underlying anxiety. When Trevor’s brother was washing his hands or ironing his clothes, he felt as though he was in control, as opposed to his volatile family life. Trevor’s brother was forced into the role of caretaker. By the time he was 9 years old he had to step in and take care of an out-of-control father and a codependent mother. After years of OCD and codependence, his brother has begun to face some of these issues in his past. He is meeting with a therapist regularly to this day. Trevor’s suicide is an extreme example of codependence and its effects on the family. If Trevor had understood codependency when he was a teenager, he would have been in a much better position to help himself instead of falling into self destruction, which is where codependency so often leads.

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Roles Children Play There are clear roles for children, and parents, in a dysfunctional family. Each role serves a purpose within the family and can strongly impact the way the child lives their life. This section introduces how the roles we carry throughout our lives shape who we are and who we will become. It shows what the roles are, how they begin to develop, and what each can mean for us in the future. Each role carries some aspect about the dysfunction of the whole family. If you can recognize yourself in these roles hopefully you will understand you are not alone. Further, there is help for anyone struggling to keep their life together as they struggle with these roles. In most dysfunctional families one parent (care provider) plays the role of the abusive person and the other plays the enabler (helps the abuser). Both roles play off each other. The abusive person (alcoholic, drug addict, unavailable) actually believes that they are justified in what they do. As we have discussed, they have very distorted thinking. The enabler also has distorted thinking and believes that they are basically responsible for the other person's dysfunction and they are very fixated on the other person and oftentimes appear to be uncaring or neglectful toward their children. The role that a child takes gives them their sense of worth and value. Like their parents, they too get trapped in their roles and could develop distorted thought patterns. When one or both parents have issues with addiction or if there are other types of dysfunctions (like emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, neglect, violence in the home, abandonment, or mental disorders) each person in the family takes on roles to deal with the dysfunction. Children who grow up in dysfunctional families tend to follow designated roles as the family acts out the drama of dysfunction. In dysfunctional homes, a child (and later teenager) will fulfill at least one role. In a more functioning household, children can take on more than one role. All of these roles can cause serious problems as a person gets into their teen years and starts trying to develop their own identity. These roles can cause serious problems in their future lives.

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Why are Family Roles important and why do we need to know about them? If you come from a family where there is addiction, abuse, or neglect, in all likelihood you have taken on one of these roles and the role you played in your family of origin (the family system in which you were raised) can play an important part in how you relate to other people as an adult. Your role can even define who you are as an adult; it can define how you relate to people and how they relate to you. If you can identify the role you played in your family there is a great chance you can treat the symptoms. Each of these roles has positive traits but if you find your life dominated by playing a role, please seek help.

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Meet the Smiths The Smiths are a typical American family but they are not healthy. Like the film “American Beauty,” what looks perfect on the outside can be dysfunctional on the inside. Mr. Smith owns his own business and he is an active member of the local community. He volunteers as Boy Scout master and is a member of the Rotary Club. His accomplishments are notable when one learns that he was raised by a poor, uneducated family on the wrong side of town. Mr. Smith had to work very hard to pull himself out of this lifestyle. Although he looks successful, he is very insecure about the way he was raised. These feelings make him insecure about his status in the community; he is always afraid someone will know his real family and hold it against him. Mr. Smith often feels that he is not being true to himself and he thinks that his peers label him as “phony” when he is not around. A lot of times he comes home and starts drinking heavily. He thinks drinking calms him down and it lessens the discomfort of being “phony.” When Mr. Smith gets drunk he often becomes verbally abusive. On a couple of occasions he has become physically abusive with his wife and children. His five children live in constant fear that he will become abusive again the next time he drinks too much. Mr. Smith is very aware that he is well known in local society so he demands that his kids conduct themselves appropriately so as not to embarrass him or the other family members. The fact that he is an alcoholic is never discussed at home and is certainly not talked about in public. Mrs. Smith was raised in a rich and highly educated family in the wealthiest part of town. Her parents wanted her to marry one of the boys she went to college with, but she did not want to do what her parents wanted. So she married Mr. Smith. She is always quick to let Mr. Smith know that she is disappointed that she married him. She often tells him, “I should have listened to my parents.” This fighting and bickering has been a part of the marriage since day one. Mrs. Smith seems to always complain about backaches and migraines. She is almost always in bed, even to the point of neglecting her children’s needs. She does not stand up for herself or her husband and uses her 105

backaches and migraines as an excuse to stay in bed and not assume the role of parent or wife. The more Mr. Smith drinks, the more she avoids responsibility. The more he drinks the more she retreats from her children. With the mother in bed for most of the day, Mr. Smith relies on the kids to assume the responsibilities their mother should be taking care of. In this environment, the five Smith children fall into each of the five roles for children in dysfunctional homes. These roles are probably too ‘neat’ for most chemically dependent families. Every child, even in a dysfunctional family, will have traits from different roles. If there are only one or two or three kids in the family then each kid might take on more than one role or be very consumed by one role; that is, even if you are an only child you could still take on one of these roles. However, for sake of discussion, each role is presented in its stereotypical form. 1. The Hero/Perfect Child Characteristics

Defenses

Feelings

Very responsible

Always works very hard for approval

Lonely

Self-sufficient

A life separate from the family

Confused

Controlling

Denial

Never good enough

Appeases others

Very responsible

Mad

Always the “Good Guy”

Hurt

Very successful; a high achiever

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Derek Smith is the apple of his mother’s eye and his father has pictures of Derek all over his office desk. He is the captain of the football team and he has made it on the honor roll every year since third grade. Derek will be graduating this spring and he is close to committing to an athletic scholarship to a college in Maryland. When he finishes college he wants to become a doctor. The Hero, like Derek, feels pressure to be perfect. The Hero feels as if the entire family is depending on them to be successful. They find it hard to develop a personality that is not dependent on other people’s expectations. The Hero often feels anxious, inadequate, terrified of failure, angry, sad, lonely, worthless, ashamed, or numb. To help yourself or someone you know break out of having to play the role of The Hero, you will need to give: 1. Permission to make mistakes and not be "perfect." 2. Opportunities to express feelings and needs. 3. Opportunities to play. Please remember that these roles are NOT entirely negative. These roles also have very admirable and positive traits as well. That is to say, "It ain't all bad." It is admirable to get good grades and help around the house or try to make people laugh and be at ease. For example, The Hero can be very successful in academics or sports – or both. The Hero can be seen as a model student and young adult. However, problems can occur if functioning in this role becomes too dominating, or it can have a limiting effect if their role does not let them be who they really are, e.g. The Hero plays football, but he does not want to play football - he is just on the team to make his dad happy. Problems arise when playing a role like The Hero doesn’t allow someone to be a unique individual or express their own particular set of skills, talents, and abilities. Counseling can help a child to draw out the good traits they possess and work at overcoming the hindering ones.

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2. The "Problem Child"/"Scapegoat" Characteristics

Defenses

Feelings

Tells the truth about family

Defiance

Hurt

Most honest child

Self-harm (cutting)

Alone

Distraction from real problems

Addiction

Scared

Sensitive

Teenage pregnancy

Abandoned

Caring

Sadness/withdrawal

Angry about everything

Blamed for everything

Derekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s younger sister, Alysia, is the â&#x20AC;&#x153;problem child.â&#x20AC;? Her parents and siblings think she is the problem child because she is consistently confronting her father and trying to get him to admit he has a problem and should start going to AA. Alysia also confronts her mother on a regular basis and tries to get her out of bed and tries to convince her mom of the importance of taking care of the children. Over the last couple of years Alysia has started smoking a lot of marijuana and engaging in other forms of rebellion. She is intelligent, but her anger at her family situation leads to her getting into conflict with authority figures like her teachers and softball coaches. The problem child feels like their situation is hopeless. They believe that something is significantly wrong with them. They often feel hurt, afraid to trust, rejected by the family, misunderstood, hopeless, blamed, or betrayed. To help yourself or someone you know break out of this role, you will need to give:

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1. Permission to be successful. 2. Supportive confirmation, often achieved through therapy. 3. Structure and consistency. 3. The Clown Characteristics

Defenses

Feelings

Often the youngest

Attention getting

Afraid

Feels powerless

Cute

Lonely

Comedian

Family pet

Confused

Provides laughter

Hyperactive

Worthless

Passive-aggressive Uses humor to communicate Uses humor to express repressed emotions

The youngest sibling in the Smith family is Kurt. Kurt is always silly and goofing around, always ready to make a joke and do pretty much anything to lighten the mood and get the attention off the heavy issues. He is the Clown. If you could see inside the mind of the Clown you could see they are terrified of family conflict. They feel compelled to do anything to avoid tension. The Clown is often the class clown and popular with teachers and kids, but often times the Clown struggles with any form of intimate relationship due to their fear of conflict. On the inside the Clown often feels terrified, needy, confused, ashamed, left out, helpless, dependent, angry, guilty, lonely, or insecure. To help yourself or someone you know break out of this role, you will need: 109

1. To be taken seriously. 2. To hear that your opinions count. 3. Support and validation of all feelings. Side note: the phenomenally successful comedic actor Jim Carrey once told Larry King that he and all his comedian friends have something in common â&#x20AC;&#x201C; they all had sick mothers. 4. The Caretaker or the Enabler Characteristics

Defenses

Feelings

Son/daughter of a mentally ill parent

Feeling sorry for themselves

Angry

Assumes the role of a parent

Blame themselves

Fearful

Takes responsibility for their parent's behavior

Very serious

Guilty

Self worth tied up in what they can do for others

In control

Hurting

Does not have relationships with reciprocity

Denial about their and others dysfunction

Sad

Very nice Wants to save everyone

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Suzy is Kurtâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s oldest sister and one grade level behind Derek. She is the caretaker of the family. She has matured quickly and taken the role of the mother. She literally takes care of the younger children when mom is not willing to get out of bed. She gets home from school and cleans the house, cooks dinner and helps her younger brothers and sister with their homework. Usually, if one of the three younger siblings has a problem they will go to Suzy first because she is more available and is willing to come up with practical solutions. Mr. Smith has put even more chores on her shoulders and she assumes these responsibilities without complaint. For playing this role she gets a lot of praise from Mr. Smith. The enabler enables people because they feel very out of control. Their life revolves around the dysfunction in the family. Because the enabler lives in response to other peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s needs, they are unable to live out their own wishes and dreams. To ever have a healthy happy life the enabler needs to: 1. Develop an identity away from the family. 2. Find self-interests and pursue them. 3. Receive therapy that would help make them aware of co-dependent relationships. 5.The Lost Child Characteristics Looking for an escape Avoids interaction Daydreamer

Defenses Quiet

Confused

Independent

Low self-worth

Follower

Scared

Living in fantasies (books, Distant video games) Easily unnoticed Low self-esteem Avoids intimacy

Feelings

Alone

Withdrawn Passive

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The second youngest child in the Smith family is Kerick. Kerick is the Lost Child among the family members. He is pretty lost at school too. He is in a daze most of the time; he is withdrawn and usually appears to be very depressed. He is always reading comic books and playing video games, so his grades are poor. He uses gadgets (iPod, computers, video games) to escape the dysfunction and neglect he experiences at home. Under close examination the Lost Child feels very sad and alone. The Lost Child does not have much human contact and it seems as though they are invisible, and actually prefer to keep it that way. The Lost Child will often go on to create an imaginary world where fantasy becomes a way of coping with unpleasant realities. The Lost Child often feels left out, lonely, angry, fragile, sad, isolated, powerless, scared, confused, unnecessary, depressed, or even suicidal. To help yourself or someone you know break out of this role, you will need: 1. Positive attention. 2. Encouragement to take chances. 3. To feel connected to other people. In a dysfunctional family, family roles are defined and people know their place. This role is tightly defined and the family shames any member that tries to break out of these roles. If you do not believe me, just try it. For example, if you believe that you are the â&#x20AC;&#x153;perfect child,â&#x20AC;? try to take on the role of the lost child and you will soon see that there will be pressure on you to reassume your hero role. If the clown leaves the family system, they will frantically try to find a replacement. These family roles are not part of the conscious mind. People do not even realize that they are playing a role, unless they get therapy and it is pointed out by the mental health professional. These roles are passed down from generation to generation. The main problem with family roles is that they do not allow kids to develop their own identities and see themselves outside the family. Their identity is determined by the family dysfunction. A note on recovery from addiction: Just because someone has stopped their behavior (like Mr. Smith giving up drinking) does not mean they are in 112

recovery; it just means they are abstaining from the behavior. To abstain means to not do something. Unlike abstaining, recovery is not an end point. It is part of a process like a twelve-step program with Alcoholics Anonymous. An individual that is in a recovery process is seven times more likely to fully recover from unwanted behavior (meaning: to really quit and change), than a person who is simply abstaining. Hence it is important for the dysfunctional parent to proactively get help and recover, not just “stop” doing the bad behavior. If you find yourself trapped in one of these family roles it will manifest itself in every aspect of your life. If you are the Clown in your family then you will be the Clown at work, at school and with your friends. Even if you join a group like a football team or an art club you will be the Clown in that organization. This does not mean you are trapped. If you have identified with one of the roles above, you can begin trying to not play that role outside the family. If you are on the tennis team and you are always goofing around and drawing attention to yourself during practice, you must recognize what you are doing and stop. You will be amazed at how people’s opinion will change. They will start to see you not as a Clown, but as a hard working and trustworthy player. But, if like Jim Carrey you do not want to leave the role of Clown, try to figure out why. If you do not want to leave your role, look inside yourself. Are you afraid you will lose your purpose? Are you afraid that if you have been the family Hero and you decide to move away from that role that people will think of you as a failure? So often we get caught up in our roles to the point that it becomes all we know. If you are your family’s “Problem Child,” they will not be pleased if you begin to get clean and sober, start school, and get a job. They will subconsciously not understand why you are not fulfilling your role. One of the family members might even try to sabotage your success by doing something to pull you back into your role (e.g. buy drugs for you or encourage you to stay home from school). But if this problem child can stay the course and not fall back into the old role of “Problem Child,” they will be infinitely more successful and happy than if they had stayed in the role. The roles we take influence the relationships we make as well. Remember Suzy, the oldest daughter in the Smith family and the family 113

caretaker/enabler? She was never willing to recognize her role as a caretaker. When the other kids tried to move away from the family and get healthy she just went deeper into codependence and would not come to the realization that she was only serving to enable her parents’ dysfunction. Most unfortunately she has carried this into her relationships outside the family. Suzy married an alcoholic and they have three children together. Even in her new family she plays the role of the caretaker and enabler. Suzy feels responsible for everything that happens to the three children and feels responsible for her husband’s alcoholism and his refusal to work. She was attracted to her husband because he is a victimizer just like her dad and her husband is attracted to her because his mother was an enabler. Suzy even denies herself her own needs to fulfill others’ needs. She feels her life goal is to keep everyone happy to the point where she denies herself happiness. Her husband does not work so Suzy went to nursing school; of course, she chose a career taking care of others. Enablers often choose a profession where they are responsible for taking care of others. That’s not to say that all people in those jobs are enablers, but those jobs are attractive to enablers. She gets home late after taking care of people all day, cooks dinner, cleans the house and tries to make sure everyone is satisfied. Suzy never asks her children to assume any responsibility because she says she wants them to be happy and not worry about anything. If she is at work she is taking care of patients. When she is not with them she is trying to take care of her co-workers and make sure they are getting their needs met. If she is at home or her parents’ home she is doing the same. She feels uncomfortable doing anything for herself. She must always be helping others. With Suzy gone, the hero feels even more pressure to be perfect. This makes Derek even more uncomfortable. Derek works all the time and never takes a day to himself to pursue his own interests. Derek works so much that he does not have time for his mom and dad and his siblings still at home. Now with the enabler (Suzy) working and taking care of her family all the time and the Hero taking care of the family business all the time, the Smith family has started to panic. The problem child has sunk further into addiction. The Clown has become more outlandish and the Lost Child almost never leaves his room and the fantasies provided by his computer. 114

The panic in the family gets worse as the remaining children try to take on the absent children’s roles. Which child do you think a bully would go for? Right, he would go for the Problem Child or the Lost Child. The bully somehow seems to know that the child will have no one to tell about the bullying. This is just like when a sociopath can sense when a girl comes from an abusive family. A bully or sociopath will never seek out people that are willing to stand up for themselves. Think of it like predator and prey. Whenever you watch the nature shows and the lions are looking for a gazelle to pounce on, they do not look for the one that is healthy. No, they look for the one standing alone at the edge of the herd that seems to have problems. That way they can take advantage of the gazelle’s weakness and get an easier meal. The bullies in your school are like the lion. They have an amazing ability to find those peers that cannot or are not willing to stand up for themselves. Like the lions, they will pounce but only on those who are alone. A gazelle with a support network – like a student with friends and trusted adults – is not worth the trouble. It might seem like magic that bullies can sense this stuff, but remember the iceberg - bullies can see what is above the surface and they sense that they can take advantage of what is below the surface. It’s not magic, they come from dysfunctional families and have had years of practice. This intensely dysfunctional family role-playing can only be corrected with therapy – or at least with the recognition by everyone in the family that they have a problem. To stop these role-playing patterns, every member of the family has to be willing to change. They all have to be willing to accept their responsibility for their part in the dysfunctional family. This can be challenging, especially when alcoholism or substance abuse is present. Be prepared; if parents are in denial about the situation, change for them can be almost impossible. We cannot always change our family and that’s good because we are not responsible for changing our families of origin. We are responsible for getting healthy and not bring this dysfunction onto our own children. The good news is you can step out of your role and 115

develop a sense of self that is unique from the role that defined you for so many years. The first thing is to recognize what role you are in. You have probably already figured what role, if any, you are in by reading this chapter. If you have trouble figuring out what role you are in, although you feel certain that something is wrong, speak to a therapist. A therapist might even ask you to reenact your interactions with family members. That is called role-playing. By acting out how you interact with your family, it will be clear to a professional what type of role you and the others in your family have.

The second thing you will need to do is to understand both the positive and negative sides of your role. Think about how your life will be if you stay in this role, that is, if you remain codependent. Make a list of what you think your life will be like: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

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Now, think about how your life would be without the role and make a list of what you could achieve without the role: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ __________ There is no need to give up the good things about your role, as hopefully these can be carried on throughout your life. The trick is to grasp the good and release the negative. Now is a great time to get your life back and develop a true sense of who you really are â&#x20AC;&#x201C; inside and outside of the role you play. Be aware; only if you are willing to move away from your dysfunctional role will you gain true self-respect. You will finally start to embrace who you really are. This will definitely build your self-esteem. You will start to learn that you are worthy of love and respect outside of your role. You will be happier and you will develop healthier relationships both with your peers and with your family. Always remember: whatever is going on in your life is because of your behavior. If you are happy, it is your own doing. If you are sad, it is because of the way you have conducted your life. If you are willing to take responsibility for your actions and your future you will expose yourself to awesome power as well. If your behavior and role are making you unhappy and dysfunctional, then take charge. Gain power and change your behavior. 117

This role was placed on you as a child. Now you are responsible to change. You are not helpless. You are in charge as long as you are responsible for getting yourself healthy. No one can force you to change. Breaking free of the prison of a dysfunctional family role is your own decision.

If you are willing to take responsibility for your actions and your future you will expose yourself to awesome power

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Entitlement You are entitled! But not to everything… You are entitled to respect. You are entitled to be loved. You are entitled to health care and legal protection. You are entitled to be raised in a safe environment. And most of all, you are entitled to be nurtured by people who have your best interest in mind. You, however, are not entitled to get whatever you want. So many people in American society have a sense that “the world owes me something,” yet, other than the things mentioned above, no one – no matter their race, religion, job, wealth or status – owes you anything. I have worked with a lot of teens who feel everyone owes them whatever they want. They have entitlement issues and they are always miserable people. People that are always demanding things from others and not giving back in return are miserable people. They are desperately unhappy due to their sense of unfulfilled entitlement. Working with someone who feels entitled is always frustrating. They believe that everything is owed to them because they exist. They are people that usually feel bad about themselves, but they think the whole world revolves around them. If you feel the world has wronged you and owes you something, seek help. The world only owes you the basic human caring I wrote about above. Everything else in life, from your education, to your job, to your spending cash is a privilege, not a right. You must work for everything else in your life. Don’t expect people to give you things just because you exist. No matter how hard your life has been, the world doesn’t care. You are entitled to love and a proper upbringing. Everything else is your responsibility.

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Depression and Anger As teenagers, you will face a lot of different pressures and these will have different impacts on your emotional well-being. Just as the chunks of the icebergs sometimes break off and float up to the surface, the trials and tribulations of being a teenager can cause severe mood swings. This is natural. Everyone feels depressed or angry sometimes. Indeed these are healthy emotions that all people should have. However, if you feel your emotions are inhibiting your ability to have a normal life, then there may be something worse than a mild case of the blues. This section presents the symptoms and possible treatment options for depression and anger.

Lisa Lisa is in the 12th grade, she is blonde, 5’8”, and has a popular circle of friends. If you met Lisa you would say she has it all. And she does. Her family is supportive, she is first-string pitcher on the softball team, and has even been approached by a department store to do some modeling. But her parents and friends have begun to notice that she has been a little “down” for the last few months. Lisa has anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness. This is textbook depression. The misconception about depression is that a person with depression is often crying, screaming, or talking about suicide. These symptoms are possible, and sometimes are seen in the most severe cases, but typically depression manifests itself as back pain, sleeping excessively, lying in bed for long periods, or general loss of interest in things they used to find interesting. The number one complaint of people with depression is irritability. This is basic depression. But Lisa also has a feeling that things will never be back to normal, things will never be OK. People that are depressed, especially teenagers, tend to catastrophize everything. That means whenever something bad happens, they think it is going to be like that forever; they are doomed. Of course, this is not the reality. No one, including people who have clinical 120

depression, has to go through life feeling this way. Life is not bad. Rather, the way their brain feels about life is bad. These feelings Lisa is having should be dealt with; she can work through this. However, she cannot think her way out of depression. She cannot talk her way out of depression. No, she will need professional help. The problem is, as humans we want to make sense of all our behaviors. But a lot of our behaviors do not make sense and our thoughts often do not follow any kind of rational structure. The brain is trying to regulate overwhelming feelings. When it can’t do that, it is possible to develop conditions like depression. In the same way, if your brain is unable to naturally regulate then it will turn to drugs, cutting, over eating, etc. These behaviors may feel good at first, but in the long term they will only worsen the individual’s mental health issues. These are just ways that people try to feel better, but they don’t work because they do not actually solve the root problem causing them to feel bad. People who are participating in these behaviors and feeling this way need to seek the help of a mental health professional. Unfortunately, Lisa is reticent to seek help. She thinks that mental health care and therapy are for “crazy people.” No! MENTAL HEALTH IS SIMPLY DEALING WITH REALITY ON REALITY’S REALITY’S TERMS, ACCEPTING REALITY AND COPING WITH IT. NOT TRYING TO IDEALIZE (GLORIFY) SITUATIONS AND PEOPLE, BUT SEEING THINGS AS THEY REALLY ARE. The good news is depression is one of the most treatable conditions there is. If a person is willing to commit to medication and/or therapy, they can lead a happy and full life. In this day and age, there is no need to suffer with anxiety or depression. Many mental health professionals have explained depression as "Anger turned inward against the self." If you fail to live up to some internal standard of who or what you are supposed to be, some internal watchdog notes your failure and begins to let you know that you haven't been all that you could be. This inward directed dissatisfaction is expressed as depression. People often talk about being angry with themselves because they have not accomplished or achieved or done what they think they should have. This explanation accounts for the diminished self-esteem depressed people often report. 121

So why do we get depressed? Problems expressing anger (problems dealing with issues under the surface of the water): People that are depressed often say they have trouble expressing anger. Instead of becoming angry with someone who has provoked them, the anger is turned inward against some part of themselves. They blame themselves for everything that happens. But, this just represses the anger and it comes to the surface in another avenue. Other people fail to see you are hurting (people do not try to see under the surface issues): Depression also seems to be a reaction when others do not recognize you are suffering. When the people we love fail to see that we are hurting in a way that we hoped they would, that can make us feel injured and depressed. It is as if their failure sends a message that we are not good enough, worthwhile or important. When the people we trust do not try to understand why we are hurting it just lowers our self-esteem. Reactions to life events: Certain events that occur as part of life carry depression as a component. Loss of a relationship, death, abuse, and neglect create strong emotional reactions and depression can be one of those reactions. Genetics: People can actually inherit a likelihood of developing depression from their parents. Many teens that suffer from depression are treated with medication. Medication can be extremely effective for treating depression. But please remember that talking is often a very important means for depressed people to find out why they are depressed in the first place. Talking to a therapist can help get to the root of the problem and thus solve the illness, not just medicate away the symptoms.

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Note: for mild cases of depression, another way to deal with it (and anxiety for that matter) is simply to get busy in your life. This does not mean we should avoid our emotional problems. It does mean that if we just sit around and think about our problems all day then it is only going to worsen the already overwhelming feelings of anxiety. When we are depressed we are usually not going to want to participate in life. It is almost as though you have crippling arthritis and do not want to get out of bed. When I was depressed and spent my days doing nothing, I would focus on my back. You might focus on a migraine, stomach ulcer (like Kurt Cobain), hip pain, knee pain, or any part of your body that has suffered an injury over the course of your life. Doing so will only make the pain worse. You may even believe you are sicker than you really are, leading to more unwillingness to get up and out. This is a destructive cycle. Break out of it by breaking out of your shell and getting busy living.

Mental health is simply dealing with reality on reality’s reality’s terms, terms, accepting reality and coping with it. Not trying to idealize situations and people, but seeing things as they really are.

Bethany Bethany is sixteen years old, in the tenth grade, and describes herself as someone with a lot of anger. Bethany’s friends describe her as a ticking time bomb. One day she was watching TV and her brother came in and told her, “Mom says you need to turn off the television and do your homework.” Bethany immediately flew into a rage and started to cuss at her brother and she even threw the remote control at him. She then struck out down the hall to her mother’s room where she proceeded to call her mother all sorts of bad names. Her mother told her to calm down and go to her room for a cooling off period. But instead, she went out the front door and slammed it. The next 123

day while talking with some of her friends, she told them that she was “so angry” at her mom. Bethany does have a lot of pent up anger and frustration. However, this is just a symptom of many other problems she has. If Bethany would have been meeting with a therapist or counselor she would have been able to get to the bottom of these emotions and not just blame everything on anger. Many young Through writing in her journal and speaking with a trusted professional she would have realized people who have she felt dejected because she had been fired from her part time job. She felt nervous because a teacher said suffered from she would need to bring up her grades if she wanted to go on to the next grade. She felt abandoned abuse, neglect or because her parents were divorced and her mother blamed her for the divorce. She felt embarrassed trauma have because her brother told her friends about the TV show she watched on a kid’s channel. And she felt trouble dealing sad because she believed her life was not going as well as some of her peers. with all the If she would have been able to work with a mental health professional she would have analyzed anger they have her anger and seen that it is really a bunch of emotions that she has not been dealing with. She has built up inside. not been talking about how she feels. This has built up into a hot ball of anger – a ball waiting to explode. Many young people who have suffered from abuse, neglect or trauma have trouble dealing with all the anger they have built up inside. Even teenagers from healthy family systems who have been under intense stress or depression can be filled with seemingly irrational anger. They hold in all this emotion and then they act out, often times, with a violent act. Sometimes it can be something as harmless as punching a pillow but other angry youth might pick a fight with someone else. Teenagers who have been severely abused might actually enjoy hurting other people. Similarly, they might take pleasure in hurting animals and they may like to see people in pain. 124

When I was growing up, the schools taught us that anger is a normal feeling and that it is a secondary emotion (covering up another emotion). The adults in my life told us to “get our anger out” by screaming as loud as we could or punching something other than a person. They figured that by getting out this anger we teenagers would feel more relaxed. Research, on the other hand, has shown that engaging in this type of behavior, yelling and punching stuff, can lead to more violent behavior. Researchers are starting to prove that when we learn to act out physically when angry we build up the systems in our brain that reinforces the angeraggression connection. This means that if we use punching a pillow or similar violent acts to deal with anger, over time we will become dependent on using violence to calm down. When we interview teens who say they are angry, we soon discover that anger is not one emotion, but a cap on a huge block of emotions under the surface that were never dealt with like embarrassment, rejection, fear, loss, jealousy, etc. Once a person learns to express their feelings with words they soon see that what they thought was anger is really a bunch of other feelings below the surface. All these emotions feel like anger because the anger is all we have been taught to recognize. If you want to manage your anger effectively and not blow up periodically you must learn to express your feelings every day. Do not sit around and hold everything in and wait to blow up; don’t let the anger build up. You need to deal with the part of the iceberg people cannot see. If you are not able to meet with a therapist or counselor then write in your journal about the feelings you are having.

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Insight into Behavior and Person to Person Relationships While reading this book or while reading other books that try to get you to analyze your own behavior, you may start to wonder, “do I have an emotional disturbance”, “am I mentally ill”, “Should I seek professional help for the things I’ve been through and the feelings they have created” or “do I have healthy boundaries and relationships?” To determine if someone has these issues you must look at their relationships with other people. In particular, if someone has suffered neglect, abuse, trauma or mental illness it will certainly affect the way they conduct themselves with others. One of the major components of being mentally healthy is the ability to get along with others. If we have emotional problems we act out these problems with other people. Here’s where it gets a little tricky. If a person has mental health issues it will be quite difficult for them to realize whether or not they are getting along with others in an appropriate manner. It might be hard for them to realize if they are dealing with reality on reality’s terms. If someone is using drugs or alcohol it will be close to impossible to be aware of what is, in fact, healthy. Why is that? When a person is mentally unhealthy it is difficult for that person to have insight. Insight (ˈɪnˌsaɪt) n. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

The capacity to discern the true nature of a situation. The ability to perceive clearly or deeply The capacity for understanding one's own or another's mental processes The immediate understanding of the significance of an event or action The ability to understand one's own problems, insightful adj.

Without insight it is difficult to deal effectively with our behavioral issues. It will usually take the intervention of a trained professional, such as a doctor, therapist or recovery program to help an individual understand 126

their negative behavior. I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t over emphasize the importance of having a process to deal with issues that are negatively affecting our lives. Some examples of a process would be: A) If I use alcohol to cope with reality and then denied the negative consequences of the alcoholism. That would show my lack of insight. I would need a 12 step program to use as a process to replace the drinking. B) If I am physically abused by a friend and keep going back and spending time with that friend and do not see that as a problem or I blame others, well that would be a lack of insight and I would need boundaries counseling and a therapeutic process to replace that unhealthy behavior. If we have insight into ours and others behavior we will be happier, healthier and people will make a lot more sense to us.

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Living a Fulfilling Life vs. Being Antisocial When you watch TV, play video games, or go to the movies, pay attention to what type of person is glorified. Pay especially close attention to the stuff that is targeted at teenagers. Look at the males: they are strong, usually violent, have casual sex, and basically have an antisocial personality (that is: harmful to the welfare of others). Take notice of the girls: they are shallow, arrogant, and manipulative. In other words, they too are antisocial. Young people idealize these characters and that is understandable; I know my idols growing up possessed these attributes. Here is the problem; people who actually have these character traits are miserable. Of course, the media portrays them as happy and successful but the truth is that constantly expressing these kinds of traits makes a person feel awful. Eventually they can alienate enough of their family and friends that they will continue to feel awful although now they must feel awful alone. Think what type of parents these people would make. Parents need to be present, loving, kind, and available. When parents are not present, loving, kind and available, they are abusive. The people that you watch in dramas, whether it be film or reality TV, are sick people. They are emotionally sick, and that is what draws us in, that is what is entertaining - we love the drama of someone struggling with the human condition. The problems come when people try to integrate these unhealthy lifestyles and attitudes into their lives. When we are sixteen, seventeen, or eighteen years old we are on the beginning of a trajectory. And this trajectory or path may take you in a direction for the next ten to twenty years or it may even take you in a particular direction for the rest of your life. These trajectories are hard to get out of â&#x20AC;&#x201C; for good or ill. A good trajectory will take you far, but a negative one will go nowhere. We usually get started on a particular trajectory due to our parents, biology, experiences, and as stated above, what we witness in the media. A lot of people get out of high school and do not go on to technical school, community college, the military, AmeriCorps, or university. They just get any job they can find making a menial wage. Usually these are 128

unchallenging jobs with little room for advancement. In this situation, work is just drudgery. The days of landing a good job with a living wage and promotions every few years at the local mill or factory are long gone. The jobs that remain for folks without job skills are low-paying, frighteningly dull and often seemingly meaningless. Life becomes filled with long hours, low pay, no career, and no prospects. For people trapped in this life, there is just this world of work, depression and, often, drugs and alcohol. They get off work, go home, and watch TV. In TV-land everyone is beautiful and experiencing an exotic life style complete with big houses, big cars, and beautiful girlfriends or boyfriends. The lifestyle is just dreamy. After watching this lifestyle on TV, us regular people become envious. When people see all these amazing lifestyles they begin to feel even more inadequate. This exacerbates their depression and anger. The advertisers know that teenagers are envious and they know that teenagers will pay any amount of money to live the lifestyle they see on TV. Then teens often find themselves trying to look up to the commercial image and feel even more inadequate, because they are not thin enough, rich enough, or do not wear the right clothes. Many young people will try to numb these feelings with marijuana and beer. They can just live their lives through a fantasy world via the Internet, video games, and TV. This is called disassociation. Believe me; no one plans for this to happen. People just slide into this lifestyle. We only get one life, so create a life where there are things to do and make certain you actually want to do them. People need an active and rewarding schedule with a social and professional life they can really get into. We all want to be fulfilled. We all want to be gratified and we want to feel close to people. If we canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be fulfilled (and having a dead-end job is a big part of this), we turn to drugs, food, the Internet, etc. People take drugs to feel better. Initially drugs take away lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s rough edges. But people can get pulled in deeper and deeper with drugs and alcohol and when the house of cards fall, peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lives are ruined. Of course, people do not think this will happen to them because the media does not show that side of addiction. It only glorifies the up side. Soon enough young people idealize drugs and the lifestyle that surround them. 129

5 Things We Must Do to be Fulfilled So what can we do if we experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect? What can we do to avoid copying or envying the negative media lifestyle and avoid getting depressed by our lives? What can be done to get and stay fulfilled? If you are serious about breaking free from your current lifestyle and trying to resolve your problems, be prepared: if you come from dysfunction and you try to get healthy it is definitely going to change your relationships unless the people you were dysfunctional with get help too. The dynamics of the relationship are different if one person is getting healthy, because the roles change and the victim, rescuer, victimizer triangle falls apart. People you love may even try to sabotage your attempt to get healthy because they do not know how to live in a world that is not dysfunctional and they are scared to get help themselves. There are five key steps to self-fulfillment.

People you love may even try to sabotage your attempt to get healthy because they do not know how to live in a world that is not dysfunctional and they are scared to get help themselves.

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Accept Reality and Cope with it

The World Health Organization defines mental health as "a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.” It is so important to just focus on what IS. Focus on reality. Don’t try and idealize people and make them into something they are not. Accept people and situations for what they really are…not how you want them to be or how they should be. Accept what is and cope with what really is. Be honest with yourself; if there are issues facing you, deal with them. Rely on responsible people to tell you when there are problems you need to deal with. Changing the part of the iceberg people It is so important to just focus can see (like stopping using drugs) is easy. Fixing the underlying part no one can see is difficult. And it will take a lot of hard work. on what IS. Focus on reality. But the end result will be the type of life you Don’t try and idealize people can be happy with and proud of. Your reality is whatever you make of it. and make them into What happened in the past cannot be changed; our genetics cannot be changed. We can, something they are not. however, learn from our past and learn about our repressed and suppressed issues. We can Accept people and situations choose to healthfully cope with it. Whatever it for what they really are…not is you are getting, whatever is happening to you is what you are asking for, not necessarily how you want them to be or what you want. You may not be happy with the way your life is going, you may not be how they should be. happy with your friends or relationships, you may hate your job. However, there is some part of you that is bringing it on and you have to take a closer look at that and change that about you that is causing problems. If you are unhappy with your life or unhappy with aspects of your life, it is of your own doing. And 131

research has shown the only way to change is through therapy or at least developing some healthy, trusting, functional relationships. It is natural for us to want to take the path of least resistance; humans are good at avoiding things that we do not want to do. Ignoring reality and idealizing situations is what we humans use to avoid taking responsibility for our actions. If a person is not willing to admit when they have made a mistake and accept the consequences then they are not willing to take responsibility for what they have done. This is not healthy, but we all use this method to get what we want and we use them to avoid consequences. If you want to be trusted, if you want to have functional relationships and feel good about who you are, then it is essential that you recognize when you are coping with reality and not trying to idealize it. If you have been abused or are If you are unhappy with currently in an abusive environment, your life or unhappy with do not idealize the experience(s). By aspects of your life, it is of that I mean do not conjure up your own doing. nonsense in your head that makes the situation more acceptable; donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make up a fantasy about your care provider just to make the situation more tolerable. Come to terms with it through counseling and therapy. If you do not address it head-on then it will manifest itself through depression, anxiety, addiction, legal problems and health problems. You will not only act out and get in trouble while you are a teenager, but for the rest of your life. When humans cannot cope with reality we tend to use defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms are unconscious and their purpose is to protect the mind from anxiety or provide a hiding place from a situation that a person cannot cope with at the time. We all use defense mechanisms and they are really not a big deal. But if there are serious issues (abuse, neglect, trauma, codependence) that you are avoiding by using defense mechanisms that will make your life more unmanageable.

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Unhealthy defense mechanisms: Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening. Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs. Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse in action, without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior. Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts. Idealization: Unconsciously choosing to perceive another individual as having more positive qualities than he or she may actually have. Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively such as using procrastination. Projection: It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.

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It is OK to feel ambivalent (conflicted feelings) about everything. It is OK to have mixed feelings. Just be honest with yourself and those that want to help you. Don’t idealize things and experiences just to avoid dealing with them because that is a thinking error that will continue to break off from your iceberg and bob up to the surface for all to witness. Examples of thinking errors: 1. Acting like a victim. All victimizers pretend to be victims. For example, gang members are not going to say that their only purpose is to hurt people and that they are bad people; no, they are going to say they are victimizing people because of the government or because “the man” is holding them down. They are not going to acknowledge that what they are doing destroys people. A lot of people act like a victim because that was the role they had in their family. 2. Lying. People lie because they do not want to accept certain situations. People lie to get something they want. Others lie to manipulate others into doing something that they do not want to do. It is not easy to always tell the truth. However, conducting our lives through lies is a thinking error and lying will not realize the selfesteem reinforcement we are looking for. 3. Denial. Denial is a very powerful and very commonly used thinking error. All denial is pretending something is true when it really is not. Denial has ruined many a recovery. 4. Ultimatums. These are things that people use that don’t leave room for any progress to take place. Ultimatums set limits like, “I’ll never be able to do this,” “I can’t do that,” or “This will always happen to me.” These are designed so that we can have an excuse not to take control of our lives and make progress. 5. Making excuses. We use excuses when we want to avoid taking responsibility for something or we conjure up reasons why we did something. Excuses are akin to lying. They are just manipulation and avoiding responsibility. 6. Selfishness. This means showing too much concern for one’s own interest and not caring about the wants and needs of others. Selfish people are not happy; it’s just a law of nature. 134

7. Blaming others. Many people use this to avoid taking the blame for their own actions. They think it is much easier to blame the people around them than to admit their shortcomings. Blame is a common form of excuse as well, i.e. “The devil made me do it.” 8. Being overly optimistic. These are people that say, “Everything will work out I do not need to worry about it,” or “Everything happens for a reason so I’ll be fine.” This thinking error is used so that we will not be forced to take responsibility for what is going on. 9. Minimizing. This is very common. This is when we make something seem as though it is less than it really is. “Yeah he drinks a little, but he always shows up for work,” or “I just hit her to make a little point; she’ll be fine.” Minimizing the impact of our actions is just lying to ourselves and making excuses. It does not help us get or stay healthy. See if you can come up with more thinking errors that people use to avoid dealing with reality.

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Regulate Emotions

How you deal with and cope with emotions is supremely important. One of the key accomplishments of a happy and successful person is their ability to regulate their emotions. People that are consistently out of trouble have the ability to regulate and maintain their emotions moment to moment; they are able to tolerate feelings, even extremely negative ones, without being overwhelmed. People that are overwhelmed by their emotions are out of control, miserable, and have chaotic relationships. If people feel unable to regulate their emotions, they may try to regulate them with drugs or alcohol. But, if People that are they could learn to regulate their anxiety, anger, fear, or depression in healthy ways consistently out of then their lives will be more manageable trouble have the ability and much happier. to regulate and This does not mean we should hide or maintain their not deal with our emotions. It means we emotions moment to need to be able to deal with them appropriately. moment; they are able Many people are even scared to to tolerate feelings, acknowledge their emotions at all. Maybe even extremely they grew up in a home where chaos and negative ones, without violence were the norm, so they feel that being overwhelmed. cursing, yelling, and violence are the only way to react to stress. Suffice to say, we usually end up regulating our emotions the same way people in our home regulated their emotions. Think about the iceberg for a moment. Everyone has feelings under the surface that they do not want to act out in front of people; maybe these feelings are anger, sadness, or anxiety. People who have not learned to regulate their emotions will have this part of their iceberg floating to the surface throughout the day. They will show people what is under the surface. Maybe they will yell at people for little or no reason, maybe they will hit someone, or maybe they will be rude to those people that happened to be in their way. If you feel that anger or anxiety and acting out is negatively 136

affecting you it is important that you deal with the part of the iceberg people cannot see – your past and your emotional issues: 1. Realize you have suppressed things just under the surface and talk about them openly with a trusted adult. 2. Ask yourself questions: “Why am I feeling this way?” “Why am I depressed?” “Why am I getting violent?” 3. Work with a therapist or counselor to develop a stop cycle. That is, develop a way to intervene and stop your own destructive tendencies before you get into trouble. A therapist can also help you set up boundaries so that you feel safe and unthreatened.

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Boundaries

Healthy family systems have clear boundaries. Healthy boundaries are obvious and undeniable plans for what is expected in your home. Boundaries also include clearly defined consequences to expect if the rules are broken. Having clearly defined boundaries for your home helps everyone know how to act, where the “line” is so they know when they step over it, and what consequences to expect. Teenagers can learn from established rules and consequences, but generally get frustrated from rules and consequences that seem arbitrary or inconsistent. Boundaries are so important because teens are prone to test their parents in every possible way. It is part of their built-in and growing need for independence. They need to exercise their own free will. If you were raised in a home where there were no boundaries, rules, and consequences to govern discipline in your home that is chaos and you will probably seek out relationships and family systems that copy this lifestyle. Teenagers can Boundaries are supposed to be created by learn from parents or care providers on behalf of children. Boundaries are simply imaginary walls or barriers established that keep us comfortable, safe, and protected and give rules and us a sense of well-being. We are not talking about a consequences, physical fence or brick wall so much as a feeling of but generally safety pertaining to your history, your emotions, your get frustrated journal, or even your experiences. from rules and A FAMILY OR GROUP THAT DOES NOT HAVE BOUNDARIES HAS CONFUSED consequences AND FRUSTRATED MEMBERS. that seem For example, consider physical boundaries. arbitrary or Let’s say there is a family that has a rule about inconsistent. borrowing each other’s clothes. They are not allowed to use each other’s clothes without permission. That is a good healthy boundary. The family living in chaos does not have those boundaries. They go into each other’s rooms whenever they want, not paying 138

any mind to the feelings and needs of their family members. A family with healthy family boundaries does not make fun of each other when they know it will bring up a lot of issues and insecurities. A family that has poor boundaries may say things like, “I do things for you I would not do for your sister.” or “I think you are sexy.” Young people who are victims of physical and sexual abuse have had their boundaries completely destroyed. I volunteered at orphanages in Romania in the late nineties and worked with many emotionally shattered babies and children. These were young people whose boundaries had been ignored and violated. Many needed to be chronically institutionalized in order to address their broken boundaries and rebuild their mental health. But there are milder forms of boundary violation that fall far short of abandoning children on the doorstep of an orphanage. Healthy family systems put boundaries in place to insure that people feel safe. Unfortunately, if you are a trauma survivor you might not understand what appropriate boundaries are. People who have been abused and neglected oftentimes violate other people’s boundaries and they do not stand up for their own boundaries. There are three types of boundaries: social boundaries, physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. Social Boundaries – These boundaries relate to behaviors that are considered cultural norms or social norms. And this can get confusing for people because other countries obviously have different social norms than the United States and many children are brought up in homes where a parent was raised in a different culture. For example, In France it is considered appropriate to get to work and kiss your colleagues on the cheek. In the States this would be considered a violation of social boundaries and grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit. In many parts of the Middle East it is normal to for men to walk arm-in-arm when they are having a conversation where as in this country that would be seen as poor social boundaries. In Japan, it is considered very rude to walk inside someone’s home without taking off your shoes, yet most people in 139

this part of the world do not engage in this practice because here it is not a social norm. Physical Boundaries – These are boundaries that are visible or able to be touched. Physical boundaries are: your body, the things you own, your journal, your room, laptop, clothes, bike…you get the idea. If something belongs to you then you get to decide what the boundaries will be with that item. That is why in treatment people ask if they can give someone a hug before they do it, because maybe that person has been traumatized by people breaking their physical boundaries in a flagrant manner like sexual abuse or physical abuse. If a family has poor physical boundaries it leaves the children feeling disrespected and out of control. They will often times go into society and act out these boundary violations. Emotional Boundaries – If a person has had their emotional boundaries violated it means that someone has violated their feelings. A good example would be if a person obviously has a weight problem and then someone calls them fat. That perpetrator has violated an emotional boundary. People will often tell others that they do not want to discuss something. This means they have set up an emotional boundary. However, emotional boundaries should not be used as an excuse to bottle up and not talk about real issues troubling you. An emotional boundary is usually something that a person feels insecure about and so they do not want to talk about it. Usually, people who grew up in a chaotic household will not want to discuss what is or was going on in their house. If an adolescent has an abandoning parent they could have an emotional boundary and not want to talk about it with their peers. There are a lot of people that take advantage of other people’s emotional boundaries and they will make fun and joke about the person’s issues. Such anti-social behavior, ironically, usually means the person doing the joking did not have good boundaries in their home.

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Exercise in Healthy Boundaries: Do you believe you were taught appropriate boundaries when you were growing up? Remember, boundaries include social, physical and emotional boundaries. Make a list of your social, physical and emotional boundaries that you expect people to respect. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ Now make a list of other peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s boundaries that you have violated over the past few months. _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

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These are a few questions to help evaluate your boundaries. 1. I feel like I take most of the responsibility for my parents. _____True_____False 2. When I say "No," I feel guilty. _____True_____False 3. I feel responsible for the problems of others in my family. _____True_____False 4. I frequently find myself in the middle of a conflict between two other people. _____True_____False 5. At times, I am emotionally cut off from members of my family. _____True_____False 6. My family has arguments and conflicts that never get resolved. _____True_____False 7. We often have family members who become scapegoats for problems. _____True_____False If you answered “True” to three of more of these questions, then you should look for opportunities to further define your position with the family. If you answered “True” four or more times then you should practice saying "No" more often. You have the right to say "no'' to others if it is an invasion of your space or a violation of your rights. You have the right to take care of yourself. If a group of people want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision to remain together. They cannot order or pressure others into remaining. You have the right and need to do things which are uniquely yours so that you do not become so overly 142

enmeshed with others and lose your identity like the children in the Smith family did. To live a healthy and fulfilling life, you must never again allow your space and rights to be violated. You must stand up for yourself and assert your rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If others choose to ignore you, then you have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of your life. You do not need to be distant or shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. You can choose to open yourself up to others trusting that you will be assertive to protect your rights and privacy from being violated. The Violated or Ignored Boundaries Symptoms

Over-enmeshment Disassociation Excessive detachment Victimhood or martyrdom Chip on the shoulder Invisibility Aloofness or shyness Cold and distant Smothering Lack of privacy

Healthy Boundary-Builder Behaviors

Building Trust Ability to Handle Insecurity Ability to Tolerate Fear of Rejection Not Focusing on Need for Approval Becoming Vulnerable Physical and Emotional Intimacy Goal Setting in Relationships Overcoming Fears Improving Assertive Behavior 143

Accepting Personal Responsibility Handling Conflict Handling Guilt Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr

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Understand Motivations, Needs and Drives

When I was growing up I thought people acted a certain way because that was just who they were. I would think: “Oh, I see he uses drugs because he is not scared of trying new things.” “He bullies children because he is tough.” “She is angry all the time because that’s her personality.” “He does not have any friends because that’s just his personality.” I went through the first thirty years of my life not understanding why people acted certain ways. I did not understand why I did certain behaviors. I did not understand why a woman would become a prostitute. I could not understand why I had two friends that killed themselves; it was beyond my comprehension why my neighbor beat his wife and even more baffling why she stayed with him. No one ever explained to me why I stopped trusting people. People did not tell me it would help to speak to a therapist. I was not aware that trying to emulate what I saw in the media would only leave me feeling empty. This section is all about further understanding why people do the things they do – that is, what motivates them to act in the ways they act. This is not a self-help section. The purpose of this section is to make you aware of your motivations and the motivations of those around you. It wants you to comprehend your motivations (your iceberg) and other’s motivations (their icebergs) so that life will make much more sense and can be better understood. These motivations and needs are the part of the iceberg we cannot see. They cause us to take action. Motivations are a part of every human action, whether it’s playing football, using crystal meth, making straight-As, or sexually molesting a child. Everyone is motivated by something and we are all motivated to do something. This does not necessarily mean we are ambitious. Many people’s motivation is to be able to lie in bed all day and watch TV. Maybe someone’s motivation is to go out and look for drugs. Other people are motivated by sex, money, or religion. But what motivates us as humans? Why do some people feel motivated to nurture children while others feel the urge to abuse them? How 145

is it that some people are motivated to go to school every day and some are motivated to skip school and get drunk? Many of our motivations come from our interactions with and observations of others. Therefore, if your family system is chaotic or abusive then you will likely be motivated to recreate this atmosphere. According to Abraham Maslow â&#x20AC;&#x201C; the father of humanistic psychology - people who satisfy their basic needs, like food, shelter, love and safety, continue to develop and mature, but those that do not have their basic needs met suffer consequences that actually affect their mind and their emotions. Maslow believed that humans couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ever achieve true success without first satisfying their basic needs. So if a child was neglected he/she will spend their life pursuing these needs instead of moving on and achieving success. His research showed that our childhoods set the stage for what is to come. Basically, History Predicts Future. What happened to us as children will motivate us for the rest of our lives. When we have been abused or neglected, our motivational systems are changed forever. Not everyone who attends your school is being nurtured, loved, fed and clothed the way they deserve; maybe you yourself do not have your basic needs met. These students will do whatever it takes to get these needs met. If they need to argue with the teacher they will do that, if they need to join a gang they will do that, if they need to dress in a way that gets them noticed they will do that.

Someone who is not taken care of will be motivated throughout the day simply to have their basic needs met, they canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t focus on school or sports. They are at school needing and seeking love, food, attention, recognition, or acceptance.

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Schools do try to compensate for this by getting every student engaged in group learning activities that are socially reinforcing. And hopefully your school recognizes its students’ positive achievements and rewards them so that it will build self-esteem and motivate teens to be successful rather than act out to get their needs met. However, these actions of the school are a cold substitute for the love, affection, and support teens might not be receiving from parents. Abraham Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Human Needs” – Only once one set of needs has been met can we address the higher ones. When humans are not provided the stuff at the bottom of the pyramid they will act out on society and themselves until they receive help.

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Some people are motivated to do things because they are antisocial. Antisocial does not necessarily mean that a person does not like to be around people. People that are sociopaths or antisocial might be around people all the time. Antisocial types like sociopaths just use people as objects. Antisocial simply means being harmful to the welfare of other people. Why are some people motivated to sell drugs, join a gang, or abuse children or their spouses? More often than not, their motivations lie in their upbringing. Individuals who come from backgrounds of abuse and neglect are much more likely to become sociopaths and sociopaths usually have negative motivations because they were not provided that basic stuff at the bottom of the pyramid. This makes them angry and they take their feelings out on other people. They are frustrated and depressed and they think it will make them feel better to hurt other people. On the other hand, a person who was not traumatized and was nurtured will be much less likely to act out and treat others with disrespect. A background in which the basic physical needs and emotional needs are not met is a recipe for developing an antisocial personality. Sociopath Motivations

Actions

Re-enact the abuse suffered as a child

Hit people when frustrated

Disrespect boundaries

Be a victimizer

Harmful to others

Friends are also motivated to hurt others

Be a bully or support bullies Target girls who have already been victimized Try to pull others down to their level by belittling them Make friends that support destructive behavior

Repulsed by those with optimistic attitude

Be a loner or hang around other antisocial people

Quickly satisfy sexual urges Make up for low self esteem

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Emotionally Healthy Person Motivations

Actions

Genuine/Friendly

Not hit people when angry

Respect others' boundaries

Not take advantage of others Not hurt someone just because there is the opportunity Not take advantage of girls that have been victimized

Mutual respect Sexual urges need to be fulfilled in due time Feel good about self and want to be helpful Social groups support good decisions Accepting of diversity

Not verbally abusive Friends (acquaintances) frown on antisocial behavior Understand that dyadic relationships are very important

Simply stated, sociopaths have not had emotionally healthy types of motivations set up in their brains. Remember: History predicts future. Our past experiences, along with our personality (itself influenced by our upbringing) and genetics, will be contributing factors in our motivational systems. Negative backgrounds and a history of abuse have a tendency to produce antisocial behavior.

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The Key to Happiness is Intimacy

As a teenager you have already begun to question your future place in society. You have already started to try and find your identity, if you want to get married, if you want kids, what career you want, and to determine your value system. If you are able to answer these questions and figure this stuff out then your actual self begins to take shape. If you do not start looking at these questions or trying to answer them for yourself, you will start to become confused about who you are and confused about what you will become. As you get out of high school and become a young adult, relationships and intimacy are essential. If these healthy bonds can be forged and a commitment made to others, then intimacy is achieved. With it, you will discover the key to true personal happiness and fulfillment. Without intimacy, the individual must The fact is, you cannot heal yourself confront feelings of isolation and by yourself. You cannot do that; loneliness. there is no effective “self therapy.” This book has emphasized the importance of getting therapy if you are or were suffering from abuse, neglect, or other traumas and their long-term effects. Often people who are dealing with these issues will say, “I am going to work on my issues on my own.” The fact is, you cannot heal yourself by yourself. You cannot do that; there is no effective “self therapy.” Over the last few years there has been a lot of evidence on how we reintegrate our brains, that is, how we get our brain to function healthily. It turns out that humans achieve healthy emotions/brains through other people; we cannot make these changes on our own. It is possible to control the symptoms of abuse, neglect, and trauma, but if you want to correct your brain’s dysfunction, it is definitely going to take an ongoing exchange between you and another person. That person might be a therapist or doctor, or possibly a good friend or parent. 150

The rule is: Another person has to reflect (understand) your experience and then show appreciation for what you are going through. And to be honest, often that is all a therapist or doctor is doing: Listening to you and appreciating what you are going through. We desperately want to be understood and we want the people that we trust to know when we are hurting. If we are not understood, if we are not being listened to, then we “act out.” By “acting out” I mean drugs, self harming (cutting), physical violence, running away, breaking the law, dropping out of school, aggressive tattooing or piercings. All these things are symptoms of people not dealing with underlying trauma. You show me a teenager engaging in these behaviors and I will show you a teenager that is not engaged in dealing with their issues. One of the best things any person can do for themselves is engage in some form of group therapy. This does not necessarily have to be a twelvestep program or therapy group; it can be a church, school or anywhere that has healthy and trusting people. Group therapy is basically just letting people you trust listen to your problems while you listen to their problems. This dyadic (two-sided) exchange is absolutely crucial if people want to feel good without using

Another person has to reflect (understand) your experience and then show appreciation for what you are going through. substances or acting out. For therapy to work, however, participants must be willing to NOT idealize people and situations; they have to be honest with themselves and others. That is hard to do. If you were abused or neglected by a parent or care provider when you were growing up, it is going to be very hard for you to trust others. Therefore, the people you make friends with are most likely not going to be trustworthy. It is only natural that we will not trust people in general if the people we are closest to (our parents), are lying and manipulative. 151

I spent four years working with gang members in Atlanta, GA. Whether the guys came from the Crips, the Bloods, Folk, or the Gangster Disciples, when they started their recovery process they said they had parents who had broken their trust. Sometimes it was abandonment by one or both of the parents. Maybe it was the parents or family members doing drugs in front of them. Often it was simply the parents had not treated their son with respect and dignity. If a child is lied to why would he or she go out into the world and act any other way? Just as we are potty trained by our care providers, we are also taught interpersonal (person to person interactions) skills by our care providers. I often hear from teenagers, “Every woman I’ve ever met cheated on me.” Over time, they lose all trust in women and begin to defend themselves by screwing things up before the relationship has a chance to develop. If they start to have feelings for a person they will immediately sabotage the relationship by cheating or just avoiding their partner because opening themselves up to be abused or neglected by another is simply too painful. The lack of trust goes back to abuse as a child. Just as men can lose faith in women because of the influence of their mothers, women often say, “My father hurt me, so I figured out early that men cannot be trusted.” They too sabotage relationships whenever they feel they are getting close to another person. Or they just choose males they know will hurt them. If you came from a very dysfunctional family it is not your fault. However, it is your responsibility to seek trustworthy adults, trust them, and learn appropriate boundaries and family systems. If you do not do this, it is almost certain that you will recreate these same family systems in your adult life – complete with dysfunction, betrayal and heartbreak. Ultimately, only you can take care of yourself. If you do not take responsibility for yourself no one will. There is a saying, “No one has ever washed a rental car.” You must want change and you must be fully vested in getting mentally healthy or happiness and health will not be achievable. I have worked with quite a few people who were in the process of dying and when I would ask them, “What is the most important thing in life?” or “In your opinion what is the meaning of life?” They would all say the same thing: relationships. The relationships we have with people are what give life meaning; they are how we identify ourselves. If you find the 152

relationships in your life are unsatisfying or dysfunctional, it is a sign of your own issuesâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;probably as a result of your past. You must deal with these issues if you want to experience the joy of healthy relationships â&#x20AC;&#x201C; the things that give meaning to life. Everyone needs attention. Everyone needs attention from their parents. We all want intimacy. We all want to feel that bond; we want to feel close to people we love. If we do not get intimacy we act out. If you are acting out, ask yourself why. Sometimes we will go to extreme lengths to get our parents attention. List the five best/happiest times of your life: 1. _________________________________________________ 2. _________________________________________________ 3. _________________________________________________ 4. _________________________________________________ 5. _________________________________________________ What do they all have in common? They probably all involve people who are important to you. We must have other people in our lives to be functional and fulfilled. If we fill our lives with the wrong people we are going to be miserable. At the same time, if we are lonely we are going to be miserable. This is just human nature.

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People build their self-perception and identity based on their relationships. If you do not have a close family you have to go out and build intimate relationships and closeness (not necessarily sexual), in order to build the systems in your brain for regulating emotions. We must have intimate relations to be whole. If there is a person coming from a dysfunctional background, they will seek intimacy from others that will reproduce that kind of dysfunction. What is the saying, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Misery loves company?â&#x20AC;?

Oxford dictionary defines intimacy as: involving warm friendship or a personally close or familiar association or feeling.

Attaining happiness requires healthy relationships where there is reciprocity (give and take). If someone is always seeking their own interest they will not be able to maintain healthy boundaries and will have dysfunctional relationships. Strong relationships take work; strong relationships take people who are willing to build trust and help each other out. If a person is always trying to make themselves happy without sharing, everyone will walk away from the relationship feeling unsatisfied.

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List the five worst/unhappiest times of your life: 1. _________________________________________________ 2. _________________________________________________ 3. _________________________________________________ 4. _________________________________________________ 5. _________________________________________________ What do they all have in common? What caused these bad times? Were you alone? If not, did the person with you care about you? How did these events make you feel? Did you repress these feelings so that you would never have to deal with them? Who supported you? How did these terrible events affect the way you feel about your family? Is there a common thread?

What do you think is the most important subject in school? Most would say Science or Math; others might say English or even History. While those are extremely important, the most important subject is gym, study hall, or free time. These are the subjects where you learn to deal with others in a less constrained environment. This is where a student can practice managing human relationships. It does not matter if I am a brilliant mathematician if I cannot even get along with my co-workers or my boss. What good is it if I play in the NFL if everyone on my team hates me? It would ruin the experience, just ask T.O. If you learn anything going to school, learn how to be socially competent. Show me a happy person, no matter their age, and I will show you someone with healthy relationships. Conversely, people who commit suicide almost invariably have strained relationships with people they care about or they feel isolated and lonely as if being ostracized by society.

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We build our identity through relationships with other people. Humans build emotional systems through interpersonal (person-to-person) exchanges. That is a fancy way of saying we build a self; we build an identity through relationships with other people. Therefore, while we are growing up, if we have relationships with abusive or neglectful people we will probably go through life being neglected and abused. The importance of healthy relationships cannot be stressed enough. There has been study after study around the world and the evidence is overwhelming. People who have healthy and plentiful relationships are happier than those that do not. So even if you have been hurt by relationships with your family or friends, DO NOT GIVE UP ON PEOPLE! It is crucial that you get therapy and learn healthy boundaries and respect. Healthy relationships with people can and will make you happy. Do not get me wrong, everyone needs time alone, but no one will be happy with a lonely life. And the worst thing that a lonely person can do is to have children. Because then the loneliness and depression gets heaped on the child and the child starts to feel they are responsible for the happiness (or unhappiness) of the parent. This sets up codependence.

Many people think they will be less lonely if they have a child. No! It just means the parents’ problems become the kid’s problems. Having a baby will not fix any problem and it will certainly not heal a relationship between a man and a woman. Babies are completely dependent on their parents for their survival. An infant’s ability to form trusting relationships with their parents is the first stage in a kid’s development. When babies successfully have loving and trusting relationships with their parents, the result is trust. If they do not have loving and trusting relationships with their parents, they will probably face a life of mistrusting others and therefore have trouble achieving intimacy. Unless, of course, they are willing to receive therapy. 156

Therapy I knew almost no one from my hometown or anybody from my family that ever went to see a psychiatrist or a therapist. The whole idea of therapy was basically: “Man, that’s for crazy people!’” This anti-therapy attitude is still widespread, even with Americans watching Oprah and Dr. Oz and them telling us what we need to work on. Teens have had to walk life’s tight rope without a net, relying on their innerstrength to struggle through unrelenting hard times. Church, music, video games, drugs, and family have been some of our most dependable (though not always completely effective) coping mechanisms. We rely on these, for better or worse, because we are unwilling to seek professional help. The idea of sitting down with some stranger and talking about our emotions is a bit weird. Teens have never been ones to spend a lot of time discussing how they feel. You learn to set your feelings aside so you can find solutions to the crises that come one after another. Of course, feelings don’t vanish just because you ignore them. Unaddressed emotions have a way of festering and becoming inflamed – especially when the pressures that created them keep bearing down. That’s one of the reasons we’ve had such high rates of substance abuse and violent behavior with young people in America. In recent decades, however, teens have begun to see the benefits of various forms of therapy. More and more adolescents are embracing the fact that therapy is a healthy way to confront difficult emotions and to develop empowering techniques for dealing with life. Thank God for school teachers; they are in the trenches and have helped a lot of us recognize how positive and worthwhile therapy, counseling, journaling, meditation, etc. can be. As one who has personally benefited from therapy at various points in my life, I can tell you that there is nothing shameful about seeking help from a trained expert. Therapy is an effective treatment for people who are interested in dealing with icebergs. A good therapist will be trained to understand what you are going through and they will help you work towards your goals. Therapy is not something that you will do a couple of times and then be able to go home and say, “I’m fixed.” 157

Therapy can be time consuming and difficult, but know that its rewards last a lifetime. Learning about and addressing what is going on with your iceberg not only provides relief from symptoms like anger, it also provides tools for identifying and avoiding problems in the future. A therapist will be your guide to intimacy and happiness; they will help you cope with the reality around you. Perhaps you will be referred to a physician and they will say you need medication to deal with certain conditions. A lot of the issues we experience in life are due to our genetics and biology and we cannot change these. However, we can usually cope with it through the help of modern medical advances and trained behavioral health professionals.

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Conclusion

Everything that

Man that was heavy. If I had read this book when I was a teenager my head would have happens to us as exploded. When I was in my teens I thought my life had been perfect up to that point. I had those children has a issues with Carry Anne and I guess I just figured, “If I gotta be a jerk to get chicks to like me, so be it.” huge impact on It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I started to think, “What’s my problem”? I went through everything that years of therapy and years of exploring my childhood to understand where I was coming from. It was not easy to dig up all that stuff from my comes after. childhood but I’m so glad I did, because everything that happens to us as children has a huge impact on everything that comes after. Once I understood that and accepted it, life made so much more sense to me. When a child does not have responsible parents, the child will begin to feel crushing anxiety. It would be like this; imagine yourself in a taxi and the taxi driver keeps falling asleep. Would you be able to relax and focus on your work? Or would you have to be focused on the driver? Your life would be in danger and this would make you feel out of control and anxious. Well, an irresponsible mom is the taxi driver and her children are in the back seat scared half to death. This is not fair to anyone. A young person should not be focused on anyone but him/herself. There are thousands of things you need to figure out as a young person and you cannot figure these things out if you are taking care of other people. This is not to say you should not help people and not sympathize with others. It is saying focus on your needs for the first twenty or so years of your life and then you will be a much more emotionally healthy/integrated adult. As children, you cannot always look to mom and dad for guidance and support, especially if there is a history of addiction, mental illness, or neglect. Unfortunately, our society is not as interested in these problems as it 159

should be and it is so often left up to the child or even the school system to seek out social workers, teachers, or mentors for help. If a young person is experiencing trauma in the household, they need counseling and that child will need to attend with an adult - an adult who is not a source of the abuse. Then that child will learn to contain these impulses instead of acting out. If a person was abused they will find things like drugs, alcohol and irresponsible behavior extremely alluring. The trauma they suffered cannot be wished away or ignored; no…it is actually a behavioral disturbance. They need to see a behavioral or mental health specialist. Remember, mental health is simply dealing with reality on reality’s terms, accepting reality and coping with it. Not trying do idealize situations and people, but seeing things as they really are. This book will not fix you; this book will identify areas where you need to seek counseling and support. All of us are results of our genetics (the genes we got from our mother and father) and our environment (home, school, and neighborhood). So if you meet someone who obviously has behavioral problems, remember they have had problems in their environment or they have inherited a condition that has affected their behavior. They are not solely responsible for their situation in life. They could be a victim of abuse or neglect, or they might have inherited a mental disorder. If there is a young person who has been victimized by their family/environment they will probably go through life thinking and acting as if people are victimizing them. They will constantly portray themselves as victims. Victimizers always pretend to be victims. When you confront criminals (victimizers) and ask them why they hurt other people they are not going to say, “I’m sorry, I should have been more thoughtful.” They are going to blame the government or the schools or the media or parents or anyone that can take the focus off their own issues. I was wrong to treat girls horribly to get them to like me. When I was a teenager and people called me out on my issues I acted like a victim. If you have found some of your issues in this book, maybe you can turn around today. You are not responsible for what happened to you as a 160

child, you are responsible to get help if you were traumatized, abused, neglected, depressed or if you inherited a condition that affects your emotions. This book would never attempt to diagnose you and you should never try to diagnose yourself. If one or more of these conditions relates to you, it is crucial that you seek out a mental health professional. If you do not have insurance, all U.S. counties should provide mental health services free of charge. If not, check with the resources section of this book. Bad things are going to happen in your life and I know this might sound old school, but these are all opportunities to grow, just donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t forget, if you have certain biology or trauma history they are also opportunities to turn to drugs or fantasy or anything that keeps you from dealing with the reality. So, what is it going to be for you? When someone breaks up with you, when someone close to you dies, when you feel depressed, are you going to use that as an opportunity to learn and grow or are you going to retreat into dysfunction? If you want to grow, talk to someone. Tell that person what you are going through; tell them how you feel. If they tell you that they understand you, that they understand that you are hurting, and they do not want something in exchange for listening to you, then that has the makings of a healthy relationship.

The universe is not fair. The universe is not bad. The universe just is. We all make a life for ourselves. If you are an adult and you are unhappy or in trouble, well, you have created that life for yourself. Perhaps you came from an unhappy childhood with a dysfunctional family. That is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to get healthy. Then figure out what you want to do with your life and go for it. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let life pass you by; donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make mistakes and end up in a situation where other people have to make decisions for you. Life is too beautiful for that.

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Resources Youth Villages A national leader in offering the most effective programs and services to help emotionally troubled children and their families. 1--901-251-5000 Adolescent Crisis Intervention & Counseling Nineline 1-800-999-9999 Child Abuse Hotline 800-4-A-CHILD Family Violence Prevention Center 1-800-313-1310 Teen Helpline 1-800-400-0900 Al-Anon/Alateen Hotline Hope & Help for young people who are the relatives & friends of a problem drinker. 1-800-344-2666 Substance Abuse Treatment Locator www.findtreatment.samhsa.gov Phone: 1-800-662-HELP This Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Web site and toll-free phone line help individuals locate drug and alcohol abuse treatment programs in their communities. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Phone: (212) 870-3400 www.aa.org AA offers a way to stop drinking to individuals who feel they have a problem with alcohol. AA groups are located in most cities and rural communities throughout the country. Look up â&#x20AC;&#x153;Alcoholics Anonymousâ&#x20AC;? in a local telephone directory for a contact in your area. 162

SELF-INJURY 800-DONT-CUT 800-366-8288 If talking to a stranger, rather than a therapist, might be easier for you, call 1-800-273-TALK to speak in confidence to someone who can understand and help you deal with your feelings. 1-800-Therapist, a resource for people needing help finding a certified therapist or visit his site at http://www.1-800-therapist.com For help locating a trauma therapist, treatment center, or support group in your area, contact the Sidran Traumatic Stress Institute at (410) 825-8888 ext. 203. In a life-threatening emergency call 911

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Definitions Addiction: Any time a person continues to exhibit harmful or obsessive behavior, we can say that they are addicted. There are many, many types of addictions, from gambling, to sex, to drugs and alcohol. Adolescence: The developmental stage that occurs from puberty to maturity, lasting from about ages 12 to 18 (there is some debate about the exact age range, but 12-18 is a commonly accepted range). There are numerous theories about the changes that occur during this stage of life, but one thing that is consistent is that this is a significant time of change and growth. During this time of life we transition to adulthood. Anorexia Nervosa: Anorexia nervosa (often referred to as just anorexia) is a very serious, pathological loss of appetite and self-induced limiting of food intake. Anorexia nervosa can lead to severe psychological, emotional, and physical problems, including death. This disorder most often affects females (although males do suffer from anorexia as well), and is typically associated with a tremendous amount of concern for and misperception of one's own body image. Antisocial: People who are antisocial tend to have and exhibit hostility toward society or to the established values of the society in which they live. Anxiety: A strong and unpleasant feeling of nervousness or distress in response to a feared situation, often accompanied by physiological effects such as nausea, trembling, breathlessness, sweating, and rapid heartbeat. Bipolar Disorder: Also known as manic depression, this is a mood disorder in which the person's mood swings from euphoric, manic stages to depressed (from one "pole" to the other). This is not simply being happy and then sad, but rather periods of uncontrollable, clinical mania and longer periods of depression. Although there are many different perspectives about the basis of bipolar disorder, the most popular view is that it is caused by a chemical imbalance. During periods of mania, the person may become incoherent, 164

become irrational, hyperactive, unrealistic about themselves and others, and act in sexually, socially, and physically unhealthy ways (sleeping with many people, going on shopping sprees which they can't possibly afford, etc.). Borderline Personality Disorder: This is a commonly diagnosed disorder that is characterized by unpredictable and impulsive behavior as well as sudden changes or shifts in mood. Because of this instability, people with this disorder have a difficult time maintaining relationships, and keeping a stable and positive self-image. Some psychologists have suggested that this disorder hugs the line between mood disorders and personality disorders, which may cause some confusion when diagnosing people. The disorder is so commonly diagnosed that as much as 20% of all psychiatric patients are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (Frances & Widiger, 1986). The primary characteristics include (not all of these symptoms have to be present for a person to be diagnosed with the disorder): unstable and intense interpersonal relationships chronic fears of abandonment chronic intense anger and loneliness self-destructive behavior a range of cognitive problems or distortions such as suspiciousness, unusual feelings of having a sixth sense, and unusual superstitiousness • unstable social relations and repeated failures in job situations • impulsive behavior such as fighting, running away, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, promiscuity, and binge eating • • • • •

Bulimia Nervosa: People with this eating disorder engage in binge eating and purging behaviors. What this means is that a person who suffers from Bulimia Nervosa will have episodes during which they eat tremendous amounts of food (usually foods that are high in calories) and then go vomit or use laxatives to lose weight. While there are many men who suffer from this eating disorder, the majority of bulimics are women in their teens and mid twenties. Like other eating disorders, there tends to be a relationship between social views of attractiveness and bulimia; cultures that identify 165

being thin with being attractive have higher rates of bulimia (of course there are many alternative perspectives on the causes and treatments for bulimia). Clinical Depression: a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected. Codependent: Codependency is a condition that affects someoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ability to have a healthy relationship, and is often associated with relationships where there is substance abuse. In a codependent relationship, the codependent person enables unhealthy behaviors such as alcoholism in a loved one while sacrificing his or her own needs. The codependent may deny a partnerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s problem just as the alcoholic himself would, and may even take the blame for problems caused by the alcoholicâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s behavior in an effort to keep them from suffering consequences. Cognitive Therapy: Cognitive therapy is a form of therapy developed by Aaron Beck who suggested that our beliefs and perceptions influence our emotional responses to the world around us. According to cognitive therapy, our negative thought patterns (not unconscious conflicts or early life traumas as psychoanalysis suggests) cause depression, anxiety and some other mental disorders. Cognitive Therapy helps patients by making them aware of these beliefs, how they produce so many problems, and then working to change these dysfunctional beliefs. Defense Mechanism: A defense mechanism is a way for the mind to protect us from being consciously aware of thoughts or feelings that are too difficult to tolerate. Since the thought or feeling is too difficult to tolerate the defense mechanism only allows the unconscious thought or feeling to be expressed indirectly in some type of disguised form. Doing this allows us to reduce anxiety that is caused by the unconscious thought or feeling. The concept of the defense mechanism was popularized by Freud and the psychoanalytic perspective. There are several different types of defense mechanisms including repression, regression, denial (my personal favorite), projection, 166

compensation, sublimation, reaction formation, rationalization, and hallucination. Denial: Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously rejects thoughts, feelings, needs, wishes, or external realities that they would not be able to deal with if they got into the conscious mind. For example, when people are told that they have a terminal illness and are going to die in a short period of time, the news can be so overwhelming that they enter into a state of denial--they refuse (on every level) to accept that they are going to die soon because it is much too painful to handle. Depression: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Empathy: Empathy is an ability to understand and feel what another person is feeling, not in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense. The expression "put yourself in someone else's shoes" is actually a description of empathy. Therapists are usually trained to be more empathetic so that they can have more of an appreciation for what their clients are experiencing. This helps them understand their client's situation, perspective, and problems much better. Family Therapy: Family therapy is a type of therapy in which members of a family are treated. They may not be in the same room at the same time, but the members of the family are all counseled to encourage all members to partake in open communication and healing. For example, when parents are having problems with a child, they may all go to therapy together so that parents can learn about their child's feelings and in turn, the child can learn about his or her parents' feelings. This promotes understanding and empathy that is often the cause of communication problems.

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Identity: The easiest way I know to explain and understand identity is this way: a person's identity is his or her own sense of self; of who they are. For example, your identity may be that you are a female, who is honest, warm, caring, intelligent, and sometimes moody. This then might be your identity, and you carry it with you wherever you go. The way you perceive yourself, your actions, your thoughts, and your interactions with others are all influenced by this identity. For example, if you do something very well (like get an "A" on an exam), you might associate it with your identity - "of course I got an 'A,, I am an intelligent person who does well on things I set my mind to." Likewise, when we do something wrong, bad, or simply goes against our identity, we may protect ourselves by attributing this behavior to something or someone else (I failed the test because the teacher gave all trick questions, not because I am not intelligent). Intimacy: This term comes from Erikson's theory of development, and refers to a person's ability to form close, loving relationships, which he stated is the primary developmental task of early adulthood. You often hear women claim that men are unable to commit, are afraid of commitment, etc. Erikson would claim (if this absurd generalization were even remotely true) that this is because men have not developed intimacy yet. Mania: Unlike being depressed, mania is a mood disorder in which people feel incredibly excited, hyperactive, and overly optimistic. Mania is also one part of bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression in which people swing from being depressed to being manic (being in a state of mania). Oftentimes, people who are manic indicated enjoying the state and getting a sense of pleasure from it since during the state they are so optimistic and energetic. I once had an instructor in college who had periods of mania in which he insisted he was more productive than any other time in his life. However, it is common for people in a state of mania to produce things that are very poor quality or don't make sense. For example someone may write for 3 days straight during a manic state and believe they wrote the greatest thing in the world, but you would look at it and think it was garbage or didn't make sense at all (this is not always the case but it does occur). 168

Mental Health: Dealing with reality on realityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s terms Mental Illness: This term refers to a state of being in which a person has difficulty handling daily situations and feelings. It is not unusual for conditions to be characterized by impairment of intellectual functions, the experience of shallow and unstable emotions, and difficulty in adapting to one's environment. Some definitions actually refer to mental illness as a "disease of the brain" or "sickness of the brain." Mood Disorders: Psychological disorders involving intense and prolonged shifts in mood. A person with a mood disorder might feel very happy or very sad for long periods of time and for no apparent reason. Because of this, their moods affect they way perceive everything in their daily lives, making it very difficult to function well. There are two main categories of mood disorders; Depressive Disorders (major depression, dysthymia) and Bipolar Disorders (also known as manic depression; mood swings from euphoria to depression). Moral Development: As children age, they become more adept at distinguishing right from wrong. For example, most two year olds don't know that it is wrong to take something that is not yours, however, by the time you are an adult, you know that stealing is wrong. This process is moral development. Narcissistic Personality (narcissism): A person with a narcissistic personality is totally centered on his or her own needs and feelings while ignoring the needs and feelings of others. An example would be an infant or small child. They see themselves as the center of their world. In their case, this is essential for survival or their basic needs would not get met. Even though children are self-centered, they are not defined as being narcissitic because their behavior is expected for their developmental stage. If you are in early adulthood (around 18 years old) and are interested in being diagnosed as narcissistic as defined by the DSM IV-TR, you need to be arrogant, exploitative, require excessive admiration, have a sense of entitlement, and believe you are "special" and should only associate with 169

other equally "special" people. In addition, try to step on people and offer insults whenever possible. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: An anxiety disorder in which individuals are unable to stop thinking the same thoughts or performing the same tasks over and over again. A common obsessive-compulsive disorder is frequent hand washing. Individuals attempt to alleviate their fear or anxiety by performing certain rituals (e.g., washing hands 63 times before leaving the house). These rituals are to the extent that they have trouble carrying on with their daily activities. Panic Attack: Panic attacks are symptoms of anxiety disorders where individuals experience brief episodes of intense anxiety. Physical symptoms involve increased heart rate, trembling, and adrenaline rushes. Often these people seem to feel that they are going to lose control of themselves. These attacks generally are not attached to a specific event or object but instead seem to come from nowhere. Paranoia: Paranoia is a psychological disorder in which the person has delusions of being persecuted by others or delusions of their own grandeur. Paranoia is a symptom of several different psychological disorders, including schizophrenia. Paranoid thinking often comes on gradually and develops into a very complex pattern of thought based on misinterpretations of real events. Personality Disorders: People with personality disorders have personalities that are outside social norms. Very often these people are not even aware that their maladaptive behaviors and personalities are so different than those of other members of their society. In addition, these behaviors are personalities are usually so ingrained that the person accepts them as completely normal and has no desire to change them. There are many different personality disorders, including, paranoid personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, schizophrenic personality disorder, and more. 170

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychological disorder where individuals suffer nightmares and other types of emotional distress from a traumatic past experience or set of experiences. Stimulus that reminds them of the event or events can cause flashbacks and irritability. Psychiatrist: A psychiatrist is different from a psychologist in that a psychiatrist has a medical degree (as opposed to a PhD) and can prescribe medications. Psychologist: A Psychologist is a professional in psychology (they have a Ph.D. or PsyD) trained to treat people with mental disorders or similar problems, or trained as scientists who research behaviors, emotional patterns, and thought processes of humans and animals. Some people have lovingly referred to psychologists as "head shrinkers" though they also fulfill other roles as teachers, consultants, and scientists in the psychology field. Psychotic Disorders: Psychotic Disorders are conditions that reflect a person's inability to discern or function in reality. Some people with this condition also experience a 'break from reality' in which they are disoriented, act in bizarre ways, or even behave as if in a memory from the past. Common symptoms of psychotic disorders are hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not there), delusions (a false belief that resists confrontation even with evidence to the contrary), and disorganized thought and speech patterns. Some examples of psychotic disorders are schizophrenia and delusional disorders. Repression (repressed memory): When explaining repression, Freud compared the process to "condemnation" and stated the following: "Let us take a model, an impulse, a mental process seeking to convert itself into action: we know that it can suffer rejection, by virtue of what we call 'repudiation' or 'condemnation;; whereupon the energy at its disposal is withdrawn, it becomes powerless, but it can continue to exist as a memory. The whole process of decision on the point takes place with the full cognizance of the ego. It is very different when we imagine the same 171

impulse subject to repression: it would then retain its energy and no memory of it would be left behind; the process of repression, too, would be accomplished without the cognizance of the ego." Wow - what does all that mean? In a nutshell, Freud was saying that when we have memories, impulses, desires, and thoughts that are too difficult or unacceptable to deal with, we unconsciously exclude them from our consciousness (some people like to say we "push" them down from our consciousness to our unconsciousness). This is similar to suppression with one key difference - suppression is a conscious exclusion (or "pushing" down) of these painful memories, thoughts, etc., and is more similar to Freud's explanation of condemnation. Self: There are many different theories and definitions of "self" among professional psychologists, but many agree that the "self" consists of a person's conscious and unconscious aspects, their personality, cognitions or thoughts and feelings. All these traits or aspects combine together into the person's core identity. Other synonyms for "self" are: soul, ego, personality, or individual. Self-Esteem: The extent to which and ways in which people view themselves. People who view themselves favorably have good self-esteems whereas people who view themselves negatively have poor self-esteems. Self-esteem affects a person's behavior dramatically. Sociopath: This term is really synonymous for someone with a sociopathic personality, which is really another way of saying “antisocial personality.” So, let’s define antisocial personality—this is a type of personality disorder in which the person has impulsivity, an inability to live by the rules, customs, and laws of the society in which they live, and a lack of anxiety or guilt about their behavior.

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Somatoform Disorders: There are many different types and forms of psychological disorders. To make sense and organize them all, we place disorders into categories, such as anxiety disorders, dissociative disorders, somatoform disorders (among others). Somatoform disorders as those that have some type of bodily symptom (soma = body) but donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t appear to have any physical cause. This does not mean that the symptoms are not real, only that a physical cause for the real symptoms can't be found. This may be the result of anxiety, stress, among other causes.

For more information, check out the psychology glossary at www.alleydog.com

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This book proposes a very useful and easy to understand way to look at more complex issues of adolescents. It examines internal issues in order to explain the outside behavior manifested by adolescents, a challenging time, a time hard to understand by both teens and the parents. The metaphor of the iceberg introduced in the title is the broad framework suggested by Thomas to help teens, parents, professionals and others to go beyond the ‘surface’ of what they see, and understand what is underneath. People tend to focus on what can be seen and judge the direct observable behavior. Thomas vividly shows how superficial such an approach could be and promotes a more in-depth perspective focused on the major part of the iceberg – the underlying emotions, thoughts, attitudes, needs, and aspirations. From the very beginning section Thomas connects at a personal level with the adolescent reader by sharing some of his own difficulties as a teen and the way of overcoming them; this shows his understanding of the importance of developing a good relationship with the adolescent first, in order to capture his/her interest and trust, and equally offers a model of self-analysis and self-disclosure. In my view, the strongest part of this book lies in how the author manages to introduce and translate into simple words, for a mainly lay audience, the essence of complex concepts and theories of human development, attachment, mental health, counseling and psychotherapy. In this respect, the numerous and various case examples are illuminating. Stories of other adolescents offer teens the possibility to identify themselves or parts of their problems, to understand their feelings, fears, thoughts are not unique. Universality is an important therapeutic factor. Thomas strongly encourages teens and their parents to consider counseling and psychotherapy as one of the best solutions to deal with childhood trauma and adolescent problems to overcome past issues and live a fulfilling present. And yes, this is the right solution, and Thomas stands for an example, one of the millions of people having the courage to talk to a psychotherapist, sort out his life and be happy. Reading this book through the lenses of a combined background – theoretical, as a university teacher and practical, as a psychotherapist with experience in the fields of abuse, neglect, childhood trauma - I am impressed by Thomas’ deep understanding, sensitivity and empathy with adolescents and their difficulties and the way he captured complex processes in simple words to pass his vast practical experience over to all of those interested. I hope you will enjoy and learn from this book as much as I did. Gabriela Dima, PhD, Psychologist