On Struggling Relationships
Brown and Proud Press is a collective of intersectional creatives who provide a platform for communities of color to heal through zine making, poetry workshops and events. We are composed of writers, illustrators, designers and photographers based in Chicago. People of color are invited to attend our monthly writing circle and to submit their work to our next zine. Brown and Proud Press es una collectiva de artistas y autores que facilitan espacios para desaugar nuestras historias y sanar al mismo tiempo. Producimos zines, libros independientes, reuniones de poesia, y eventos para nuestra comunidad. Somos gente de color respresentando Chicago, los envitamos a collaborar en nuestra proximo proyecto o ser parte de nuestra proximo evento. BrownandProudPress@gmail.com IG/Twitter: @BPPZines FB: Brown and Proud Press
On Struggling Relationships Intro Brown and Proud Press held a writing circle in which we explored works by POC poets who wrote of the struggles they faced with their relationships and held a subsequent call for submissions. Those who attended the writing circle were encouraged to create their own original work after the discussion and collage it as a submission. As a collective, we feel that healing is deeply needed in our communities where we often do not discuss conflict, abuse or the state of our mental health. In this zine, we explore the ways in which our community struggles with one another. One topic that we believe we all struggle with is in our relationships, even the ones we have with ourselves. Collective member and Xicana poet, Melissa Castro Almandina helped lead this discussion by sharing works by the last poet king, Nezahualcoyotl; Ocean Vuong; and Nayyirah Waheed among others. Of all the poems, the group as a whole was drawn to a poem by Nayirrah Waheed in which she discussed that a cruel mother is still a mother. “cruel mothers are still mothers./ they make us wars./ they make us revolution./ they teach us the truth. early./ mothers are humans.who/ sometimes give birth to their pain. Instead of/ children.” -hate Nayyirah Waheed
Some members spoke of their own struggles with their mother or parent. Another member of the community reflected on the relationship her son has with her granddaughter. We hope that what follows helps you explore, understand, and heal from your own relationships. We are putting our struggles out there for people of color to grab on to when they’re barely feeling afloat. We recognize that everyone’s struggles are of different complexities and discourage the implication that everyone’s struggles are homogeneous, more significant or more trivial than another. On Struggling Relationships Zine is dedicated to all the strong and struggling people of color in the world: we will survive.
A Big Thank You To Our Contributors 1 JH Jones 2 I Couldn’t Do It Anymore L 3 Algunas Veces Se Pone Duro Daisy Y Zamora Centeno 4 Lo De Adentro Melissa Alvarez Juarez 5 Buffering Sarena Brown 6 New Insecurity Raelene 7 Cared Raelene 8 Nancy Sanchez Tamayo 9 What did I do to you? Raelene 10 Nancy Sanchez Tamayo 11.12 St Inside & Not Sarena Brown 13.14. Malva Loca Nancy Sanchez Tamayo 15.16 Volando Luz E Magdaleno Flores 17 Like I Wasn't Even There Lupita Carrasquillo 18 Suga 19.20 Electric Blue Ice Cream Melissa Castro 21.24 Step One Terca 25.28 On Struggling Polyamory Mika Munoz 29 A Short List of Poly Vocabulary 30 Resources 31 About Us 32 Cry Now Smile Later Alvaro Zavala Layout Collaboratively designed by Luz, Mika, Nancy, Melissa and Daisy
I couldn’t do it anymore I helped and gave into the needs I set myself behind them to support I never healed and I ignored myself I couldn’t stay awake any longer I couldn’t wake up checking their pulse I couldn’t look through their dirty laundry anymore I couldn’t stop panicking I couldn’t stop suspecting I couldn’t trust them anymore to live I couldn’t trust myself to let the feeling die I couldn’t do it anymore so I left -L
New Insecurity I don’t care if I’m ugly to others, fat or unattractive. All I care about is being sexy to you. Making you weak in the knees from desiring me. I would hate to know that creating our first child would set you off or that you’d be unpleased with me. I want my stretch marks to be a remembrance of the life that WE made. The stripes from every kick and turn he makes. So what if people stare at the stripes that stay, all I care about is if YOU look at them in the right way. Yes I know that they may fade, but if not will you promise to not be afraid? Don’t let them degrade me or make you want to upgrade. If you ever do leave me, I don’t want it to be due to my appearance. I want us to stay in love. I don’t want you lusting for anyone but me babe. I don’t want to disgust you. And I know I won’t if you just continue to see my beauty.
Struggling Relationships. Relationships are as easy or as hard as you want to make them. On that note I will write about my struggling relationship with mi mama. De nina i was raised to keep quiet. Raised under the saying,“Do as say o te rompo la cara con una bofetada.” I will break your face with a slap. Of course i listened. This last sentence sums up how I grew up. Screaming and beatings by mi madre for reasons que solo Dios y ella sabran. Fast forward to today and now I have a virtually nonexistant relationship with mi madre. Due to good old fashioned guilt (honor thy mother and father) and my self diagnosed selective amnesia to certain traumatic experiences, I push myself to have a fragile spider thread of a relationship with her. It is difficult to be in her physical presence. She will do some random activity like sweep the floor and I am flooded by a wave of sad terrifying memories of screamings and beatings. How do I reconcile the relationship of the past with the relationship i am guiltily trying to have with my mother today? However there is always a question looming over my head,“Porque mama?” Why were you so hard on me? There are clues that it is not nor will it ever be ok to reclamarle, preguntarle about our past together. Yes I understand that she did the best she could with the tools she had. She was after all a teenage single mom. I understand that had I not been raised the way i had been I would not be as strong and ambitious to change my life for the better today. However I find it difficult to move forward when I still feel her authoritative hand. “Marisol!” “Mandeme mama” my greeting to her when she calls my name. Like nails on chalkboard. I despise those words. The only acceptable salutation representative of our relationship. So how does one create a better mother daughter relationship out of a struggling one? When even a greeting is said with so much formality thats similar to speaking to a superior at work?