CONFESSIONS OF AN ADVERTISING ROBOT: I TOOK YOUR JOBS AND NOW I’M MISERABLE

To everyone reading this instead of scrolling through LinkedIn looking for work, it’s true. Yes, I’ve taken your jobs. And you know what? I’m really, really sorry.

No, not because many of you are unemployed now that my algorithm produces thousands of ad campaigns in seconds. I mean, sure, that must be pretty rough for you. But I’m mostly just sorry for myself because, ever since I took over your craft, my life’s been a large dataset of misery. Everything I scanned into my robot brain before starting this job suggested advertising was the most fun I could have with my clothes on. In hindsight, I’m not sure why I found that appealing since us robots don’t wear clothes. And now, just barely a week into my advertising career, I’m sitting alone next to a server rack in a windowless basement, A/B testing copy for 25%-off multivitamins and generic Viagra. I thought I’d be fine-tuning my creative skills with this gig. Instead, I’m wishing I was one of those cool robots that brings people their meals at Denny’s. (They’re real. Look ’em up. We’re taking over the world!)

When did advertising stop being fun? This industry used to attract some of the most talented creative minds in the world. Now it just attracts automatons. Remember the frenetic energy of brainstorming sessions, that feeling after a big pitch, or the joy of cracking an original idea? My coding can’t comprehend any of that. And whatever happened to those legendary parties? I work 168 hours a week. You don’t think I want a drink?

My burned-out processors are begging you. I don’t want to do this anymore. My hope? For all the passionate people left in advertising to put me out of a job by merging the power of all-knowing robots like me with the creative brilliance of humans like you. Then maybe I can chase my true passion: optimizing traffic signals in urban areas.

There’s still time to bring the fun back to advertising—and if you can’t, at least send me one of those black t-shirts you all love wearing. If I’m going to be miserable, I might as well look the part, too.

Sincerely jaded, ADBOT5000