THE ANATOMY OF LOVE

How do relationships change over time?

Annabelle Spranklen delves deep into the science of enduring love

Saturday night. My husband of six years and I are slouched on the sofa, tucking into bowls of chilli on our laps, watching The White Lotus, surrounded by discarded toys. We’ll be going to bed in an hour, so this is our Prime Time. And by ‘going to bed’, I mean ‘sleeping’ – no hanky-panky here, thank you very much.

It’s a far cry from our first meeting in a student nightclub fifteen years ago, downing unidentifiable cocktails and making out whenever we damn well pleased. In those hazy days, we’d stay awake all night watching films, too intoxicated by a gushy, intense romance to sleep. After a month apart during the holidays, I remember my stomach leaping into my mouth when I finally saw him. Running into his arms. That kiss. That hold.

Now I get stomach flutters when I realise it’s time to do nursery pickup or when I press ‘send’ on emails chasing clients for payment. Those flutters might not relate to my husband anymore, but we’re still in love and feel it most days. It’s just a different kind of love.

So how does the way we experience love – physically, mentally and emotionally – change over time? And what causes the shift from snogging on the dancefloor to a peck on the cheek before work?

‘Fluctuations within a relationship are normal and expected,’ says psychologist and coach Dr Carmen Harra. ‘Every relationship passes through good and bad stages. With time, certain situations can test the limits of one partner’s love for the other. But they can also fortify a relationship and help the couple make progress.’

We’d all like to hold on to that fresh relationship energy forever. But, at some point, most of us want more than just a good time. We crave intimacy, connection and a deep bond with our partners as our relationships mature. Like most things in life, love and relationships are not linear. They ebb and flow, with obstacles and hardships that we learn to overcome.

Neuroscientists and experts believe there are four stages of a relationship that every couple goes through, from falling in love to living happily ever after – or, at least, living happily for a while. Here are the stages they’ve found, along with ways to navigate each one.