How to repair unhelpful patterns

Don’t let difficult childhood experiences define your life, says psychologist Dr Gurpreet Kaur l Tell yourself that you are not what you think. Thoughts are just thoughts, not facts l Notice unhelpful thoughts that get in the way. Psychologists call these automatic negative thoughts (ANTS): unhelpful thoughts that show up every day and form a narrative l Tell the ANTS that you know they are there. This can be hard to grasp, but there is a part of us that can observe these unhelpful thoughts. That’s the part that can be useful. We call it ‘the observing self’. The brain is a powerful machine; learn to connect with the helping parts of it l Next, challenge those ANTS. Tell them they are wrong! l As you become aware of your core beliefs, you can challenge them. For example, ‘I am unlovable’ might be challenged by looking at the evidence for and against that belief. If you were in a court of law, could you prove you are unlovable? l Work on understanding your attachment style and your love language – or simply have a conversation with yourself about how you want to show and receive love l Take time to reflect on the above. Weekly or daily reflection is key to making changes. Offering love, when we’ve not been shown much, is not easy, but it is a journey that begins by understanding our script. Like our phone or computer software, the script our mind has created over the course of our life simply needs updating

Dr Gurpreet Kaur, clinical psychologist, drkaurtherapy.com