Expectations vs. reality ................................ Judith A. Rucki

Expectations vs. reality

BY JUDITH A. RUCKI

In a time when young ladies made debuts and matrons decorated country clubs, newspapers had a section known as the “society pages.” Sunday editions were popular for featured brides in beautiful gowns. Today, engagement and bridal photos are a little less common, but fifty or more years of marriage are still celebrated—and announced. Ever wonder about their hopes and dreams, and how life has measured up?

Asking about pre-marital expectations is often met with a blank stare. A common answer? “We thought we’d be happy.” Many did not expect much beyond the house with a white picket fence and a few children. Not many couples thought about what fifty or more years of marriage would look like. In the 1960s, the average bride was twenty years old and the groom twenty-three. By the 1980s, the ages had risen to twenty-three and twenty-six respectively. At the time, people bent to societal pressure and got married early, despite youth and inexperience. Sometimes, when young marrieds felt they hadn’t explored other relationships and/or careers before making a lifetime commitment or found themselves unable to navigate the shifting roles of women from housewives to members of the workforce, they divorced. A couple in my social circle seems unusually blessed. They got jobs, advanced degrees, homes, and children, as anticipated. Asked if her marriage was all she’d expected, the wife replied that she didn’t start out with expectations, and, while she didn’t pretend there were never any downs, life was more fulfilling than she could have expected. Not all can be so lucky. One colleague, “Jack,” was sure his wife would hold a master’s degree, but also be willing to put her career on hold while she raised two boys. When that scenario didn’t transpire, Jack found himself single; decades later, he still is and considering lowering his “expectations.”

Some happy marrieds (among my unscientific survey of random couples) shared some insights on how to achieve a solid marriage:

Consider counseling. Before the “I dos” is a good time to discuss issues from major to mundane. How will you handle finances? Do you both want children? How will housework be divided? Throughout marriage, a licensed therapist can help couples navigate communication, trust, and other issues. Acknowledge problems; there is no shame in seeking professional help.

Fight fair. It’s natural for couples to fight, but shouting, name-calling, or bringing other grievances into the argument doesn’t help. Stay calm— take breaks if that’s becoming a challenge—and remember that it’s not you against your partner; it’s the two of you against the issue.

Leave room for people and

circumstances to change. Over the course of a marriage, roles shift as life does. Job switches, empty nests, retirement, and more can necessitate flexibility and duty reallocation. One partner may run the house while the other works to support the family and years later, the reverse. Talk to your partner about your needs and support each other through changes.

Learn to speak your partner’s

love language. How we prefer to express and be shown love varies greatly from person to person. One partner may want a lot of hugging and kissing (love language: physical touch). The other is delighted to find the dishwasher emptied and trash taken out (love language: acts of service). If this doesn’t sound familiar, there are plentiful resources on this topic worth checking out.

With genuine commitment and effort, reality may surpass any expectation. FY

Judith A. Rucki is a public relations consultant and freelance writer.