Separate Bedrooms

BY JUDITH A. RUCKI

friend was busy redecorating her home when I asked her how the project was going. She said she had just

A finished work on her husband’s room. At first I thought she meant his study, or perhaps she had created a man cave for him. Nope, she meant he had his own bedroom.

Shortly after that conversation took place, another friend remarked about having his and her bedrooms. I began wondering if this was a trend or if something else was afoot.

A recent survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation says twenty-three percent of married couples routinely sleep in separate beds.

It also turns out Good Morning America ran a story about this subject awhile back. Health.com followed up with an article based on the episode.

Both confirmed what my friends were saying. There were reasons

other than animosity or a failing marriage that sent them to their separate rooms.

Snoring, which affects half the adult population, seems to be a big factor in deciding to sleep apart. The partner who sounds like a jet breaking the sound barrier may not realize he (or she) is causing such a racket. This can leave the blearyeyed partner desperate for some shut-eye.

Other couples say restless leg or arm syndrome is the culprit. Being kicked or punched all night is not conducive to sound sleep.

Insomnia, regular nocturnal trips

to the bathroom, and sleepwalking add to the list of why your own room is sounding better and better.

Note that these physical issues should be mentioned to your primary care physician. Treatment may be available and get you back to sleeping well together.

Sometimes separate rooms are a good idea when one partner has the flu and does not want to spread germs. Self-quarantine can be a good thing.

Seemingly small issues like one person wanting to sleep with a nightlight on while the other prefers total darkness can cause difficulties.

Personal habits also play a part. Couples may have different ways of winding down after a long day. If she wants to read quietly while he plans on watching TV, or he is playing his guitar while she is attempting meditation, problems can arise.

Conflicting work schedules can also make sleeping in the same room difficult. Anyone who has had to catch a 5 a.m. flight or worked a swing shift knows how both partners can become sleep deprived in short order.

Night owls and early birds can easily ruffle each other’s feathers. And neither is likely to adapt to the other’s schedule.

Susan Heitler, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Denver, Colorado, says, “The danger with not sleeping well is that couples often start to resent each other. One partner will start to see the other as a physical manifestation of the fact that they can’t sleep at night, and grow bitter and angry toward them.”

Being excessively tired can make people snappish and annoyed. It’s hard to communicate well when you are barely able to keep your eyes open.

Sleeping apart may make us feel well rested. But does it harm other aspects of the relationship, like cuddle time and sex?

Heitler’s solution is to “develop a morning and nighttime routine so that you can still work those closeness hours in without sacrificing quality sleep. That is, bookend your cuddle time around your actual sleep time.”

Think of it as a mini date night, or even morning. Cuddle on the couch before going off to your separate rooms. Or slip into bed together early in the morning for some snuggle time.

Negotiate some romantic time with your partner. You may agree that a knock on the door accompanied by a suggestion for intimacy would be welcome. Get creative and figure out ways to enhance your relationship. Just make sure to turn off the electronic devices to avoid distraction or interruption.

Heitler points out that having separate rooms is beneficial only if it benefits the quality of your sleep. She says, “If you’re splitting up at night because you’re fighting, or because you’re having sex issues, then it’s going to do more harm than good.” She advises that if you are pushing bigger issues under the rug, you may as well deal with them before a bigger blowup occurs. FY

Judith A. Rucki is a public relations consultant and freelance writer. Readers may contact her via the editor at wswearingen@ foreveryoungwny.com with ideas for making the golden years sparkle, sizzle, and shine.