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derful opportunity came my way. One Friday afternoon, when everyone had gotten an early start on the weekend, my advisor informed me that a faculty member needed to talk to a therapist immediately. Since I was the only one around, I was the designated therapist.

My advisor told me that the man, faced with an important decision, was experiencing acute anxiety. He was also a Nobel Prize winner. Full of selfimportance, I immediately called my father and told him I would be late for dinner because I had to advise a Nobel Prize winner. My father, with perfect deflationary wisdom, replied, "you're 24, he's brilliant-all he wants is someone to listen to him talk."

If you live long enough, you'll end up on both sides of every conflict. Some 40 years later, I was president and c.e.o., preparing to step down in favor of my son. Since my firm had been a family-owned business for 95 years and I was now handing the reins to the fourth generation, no one expected anything but a smooth transition-especially since I was also a family therapist.

You can guess what happened. Eventually we had to call in a consultant to save either the business, the family, or both. Later, after everything had been aired and sorted out, my son andl realized that our familv business had stumbled to the precipice simply because we had not been listenins to each other.

It is the supreme irony of today: as means of communication become faster and clearer, the actual human experience of listening-and of being listened to-seems to be diminishins. Everyone is on a cell phone, email Jr the Internet. Everyone seems to be wired into everyone else, but isolation and alienation are increasing at a disturbing rate. We have sent a satellite toward the most remote reaches of the solar system searching for the faintest trace of extraterrestrial communication.

but here on Earth you have to wonder whether anyone is listening. What makes this situation remediable-even hopeful-is that listening is not an innate talent but an acquired skill.

The Whys

There are three compelling reasons why each of us should be motivated to become better listeners. First, each of us desperately wants to be heard, and I have found that good listeners are also more likely to be listened to. Listening is a contract. When you allow people to feel that they are genuinely being listened to, they will be willing to extend the same courtesy to you.

Second, listening breeds trust, and trust breeds the ability to resolve conflict. Third, we learn a lot more by listening than by talking. None of us is smart enough to know from where our next insight is going to come. We ought to be ready for it at all times.

The Hows

Because listening is a skill, it has concrete, learnable components. The first is to pay attention, by taking both external and internal steps.

The external ones are simple yet profound signals, such as closing a door, turning off a phone, stopping whatever you are doing so that the talker sees and believes that vou are putting everything else aside to listen. Even a simple act such as doodling sends a disturbing message to the talker-a message just as profound as the opposite act of putting down your pen and pushing aside the scratch pad.

The internal aspect of paying attention is trickier but just as essential. For the moment, you must put aside your own needs. This not only makes you a better listener, but it is probably better for your mental health as well. Rest assured that if your needs are that pressing, they will return soon enough.

A second listening skill is to try to understand the other person's point of view. This requires effort, sincerity and time. Sincerity is difficult to teach, but usually develops naturally out of effort and time. Be patient. It often takes people many sentences to say what could, with forethought, be said in one. For some people, talking is thinking; they cannot think silently. If you leap in too soon, you may well find yourself in a conversation that neither of you really wants.

One technique that forces you to take the time to tune in is to ask questions. They can be questions of clarification or questions of amplification. Clarifying questions are something like "Do you mean that...?" Amplil fying questions usually begin with what, why or how.

Asking questions leads directly to the third listening skill-active, as opposed to passive, listening. Active listening means trying to understand their frame of reference. If this empathetic leap is too great, the gap can be bridged by ensuring you understand. If something is unclear, ask about it. (But try not to interrupt with your question; wait for a pause.) If something is clear, nod your head and say uh-huh. Maintain eye contact. Nothing is worse than glancing at your watch.

What signals do you give that show you're not listening? What signals can you give that show you are listening? Each component of active listening not only serves to keep you focused on the talker, but also help to establish trust by letting the other person know you are listening.

My son and I were not listening to each other. I was so busy telling him what I thought he had to know, while expecting interest and gratitude from him, that I never heard his questions or concerns. I sensed only that he was not listening to me and that he was not sufficiently deferential and grateful. My son, on the other hand, had manv legitimate concerns, but after I steamrolled over a few of them, his concems metamorphosed into resentment. And the more resentful he became, the more resentment I reflected back.

I am, of course, condensing months of turmoil and confusion into one paragraph. In retrospect, what happened seems so obvious. We could have avoided so much if we had taken time to stop and listen to each other.

- Bernard Kliska is an associate ofthe Famity Business Consulting Group, Marietta, Ga; (800) 551-0633. He can be reached at kliska@ efamilybusine ss.com. Reprinted \9ith permission from The Family Business Advisor, a copyrighted publication of Family Enterprise Publishers- No portion of this article my be reproduced without permission of Family Enterprise Publishers.

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Florida Building Material Association installed Brad Wanzenberg, Deerfield Builders Supply, as chairman of its board of directors Dec. 4 during its annual meeting at Mystic Dunes Golf Club, Celebration, Fl.

Past chairman Gary Farber and Ron Gaines, Simpson Strong-Tie, were recognized for their leadership and years of service on the board. The association also acknowledged Huttig Building Products and Thomas Lumber Co. for 80 years of membership; Logan Lumber Co. for 75 Years of membership, and MiTek/Robbins for 25 years of membershiP.

More than 60 members Participated in the annual PAC golf tournament that was held before the meeting. First place was claimed bY Mike Gilbert, JFK Supply, and Todd and Chad Braid, Full House. Second Place was claimed by Joe Shetler and Juan Quesada, Tibbetts Holdings, and Gary Farber. Closest to the pin was won by Lewis Duke, Ro-Mac Lumber & Supply, and Ron Gaines, SimPson Strong-Tie. Longest drive was won by Jason Hansford.

Northeastern Retail Lumber Association has scheduled its annual LBM Expo for Feb.4-6 at the SeaPort World Trade Center, Boston, Ma.

A lunch presentation bY Patrick Moore, Greenspirit Strategies, will focus on "Green Building: Can Science Trump Activist Agendas?" Afterwards, Dr. Moore will host a dis- cussion of green building.

Bany Elms, Strategic Negotiations International, will speak on "How to Control the Outcome of All Sales Interactions." Paul Jannke, RISI, will present an economic forecast for the housing/LBM industry.

Association affiliates will present a month of educational seminars. Massachusetts Retail Lumber Dealers Association will present "Managing Yard Operations" Feb. 10 in Marlborough.

Lumber Dealers Association of Connecticut will offer "How to Motivate & Retain Valuable Employees" Feb. 1l in Enfield and "Microsoft Excel for LBM Dealers" Feb. l8 in Rocky Hill.

Long Island Lumber Association will offer a 10-hour OSHA course Feb.12 and 19 in Melville.

Mid-Hudson Lumber Dealers Association will offer "Counter & Inside Sales" Feb. 17 in Newburgh, N.Y.

Central New York Retail Lumber Dealers Association will Present "Winning Negotiations for Sales Pros" Feb. 18 in Liverpool.

Northern New York Lumber Dealer Association will offer "Counter & Inside Sales" Feb. 19 in Canton.

Illinois Lumber & Material Dealers Association will host the 2009 Construction SuPPIY ExPo Feb. 9-l I at the Peoria Civic Center & Pere Marquette Hotel, Peoria, Il.

Free educational seminars on a variety of topics-including green building, wood structural panels, and building a better home-will be offered. Also included are free lunches, an auction and cocktail party, and a Texas Hold'em tournament.

Wisconsin Retail Lumber Association has made "Looking to the Future" the topic of its ll9th annual convention Feb. I 1-12 at the Kalahari Resort, Wisconsin Dells, Wi.

Educational seminars will cover green building and the new home marketplace, plus how-to sessions on trusses, entry, and controlling dew point in walls. An evening reception will follow the tabletop showcase, to allow attendees, vendors and exhibitors to network.

Northwestern Lumber Associa' tion will host its annual Iowa Lumber Convention Feb.26-27 at Sheraton West, Des Moines,Ia.

March ll-12 are the dates for the Nebraska Lumber Dealers Convention at Embassy Suites, La Vista, Ne.

International Wood Products Association has scheduled its annual convention and World of Wood exPo for March 25-27 at Miramonte Resort & Spa,Indian Wells, Ca.

National Lumber & Building Material Dealers and North American Building Material Distributors Association will co-host a legislative conference and green building forum March 16-18 at the Washington Marriott, Washington, D.C.

Southeastern Lumber Manufacturers Association has scheduled its spring meeting March 3-4 at Atlanta Airport Hilton, Atlanta, Ga.