BULL Magazine 2011 Issue 6 by BULL Magazine

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CROWD-SOURCING AT SPLENDOUR BOOKSHOPS IN DECLINE REVELLING IN REVUES-FEVER THE LIFE AND TIMES OF THE SHIPPING CONTAINER

DEGREES OF

HAPPINESS THE UNI PATH LEADS TO LUCRATIVE JOBS, BUT DOES IT LEAD TO HAPPINESS?

ISSUE 06, 2011

UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY UNION PRESENTS...

the holidays guineafowl

megastick fanfare ямБshing 7PM, FRIDAY 2 SEPTEMBER AT MANNING BAR, THE UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY TICKETS: $5 ACCESS / $10 GENERAL ADMISSION / MORE ON THE DOOR AVAILABLE FROM MANNINGBAR.COM / OZTIX 1300 762 545 / ACCESS FRONT DESK, LEVEL 1 MANNING HOUSE

ISSUE 06 CONTENTS

News Columns Competitions What’s On Interview Campus Chatter Student Lifestyle Travel Fashion Food & Booze Sport Science & Tech Entertainment Reviews Mindgames The Bull Pen Caught on Campus

THE UNI-MONEY-HAPPINESS-MATRIX

EDITORS

Paul Karp Alex McKinnon Kira Spucys-Tahar Anne Widjaja Lewis d'Avigdor usubullmag@gmail.com CONTRIBUTORS

Xiaoran Shi, Cat Tayeh, Loren Nilsson, Max Halden, Robert North, Lawrence Muskitta, Melanie Jayne, Grace O’Neill, Lucy Swinnen, Brendan Day, Virat Nehru, Miranda Smith, Constance Sitbon, Jack Mason DESIGN

Carl Ahearn Anjali Belani PUBLICATIONS MANAGER

Chris Beaumont WWW.USUONLINE.COM LIKE US FACEBOOK.COM/USUBULLMAGAZINE The views in this publication are not necessarily the views of USU. The information contained within this edition of Bull Magazine was correct at the time of printing. This publication is brought to you by the University of Sydney Union and The University of Sydney. ISSUE 06, 2011

CROWD-SOURCING AT SPLENDOUR

DOES A DEGREE LEAD TO HAPPINESS?

BOOKSHOPS IN DECLINE

REVELLING IN REVUES-FEVER

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF THE SHIPPING CONTAINER

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CONTENTS

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1 Model students: The 2010 Union Blues recipients at the USU Annual Dinner.

2 Flag it: Verge is coming, bringing art, amusement and awesome with it.

NEWS VERGE FESTIVAL COMES ROLLING IN Established talent collides with the emerging when Verge Festival returns to the University of Sydney in 2011. On 31 August Verge Festival docks on the shores of the University of Sydney campus and brings with it live music, interactive installation art, theatre, comedy, panel discussions and pulsing parties. For nearly a decade, Verge has been focal point of Sydney’s alternative arts scene, showcasing the unconventional and the unexpected with that creative ﬂair you’d expect only from young artists who prove art should be fun and inclusive – not pretentious and weird.

Culture casts its anchor on day one, where artist groups will transform nine shipping containers lining Eastern Avenue into miniature metallic galleries for the Uncontainable outdoor installation. For the next 10 days guests will be swinging, thinking and giggling, starting with a kickoff party presided over by social change dynamos Major Raiser. The Holidays, Megastick Fanfare, Fishing and Guineafowl will rock Manning Bar’s Birthday bash, while funny men, Greg Fleet and Jon Dore amp up the hilarity stakes for The Best Damn Comedy Show Ever. The Verge Festival Tent returns as the hub of proceedings, and we’ve gone and left renegade creatives, Punk Monk Collective

in charge of interior decorating… consequences as yet unknown. Plus, iconic University locales Manning Bar, the Great Hall and new bar, Wine Cellar in the Holme Building will too become key venues in the Verge armada. This year’s student festival directors Tom Walker and Harriet Gilles have struck a party mix that has something for everybody. Where else but Verge can you sit down to some Harry Potterthemed Trivia in the Hogwartsesque Great Hall, catch hilarious improve at Theatresports, see Kanye the Musical at the Wine Cellar, or cook up something special with former Masterchef contestant, Callum Hann? It all begins 31 August, come explore! Find out more on the website www.vergefestival.com

UNION AWARDS NOMINATIONS OPEN The University of Sydney’s annual awards for exceptional members is now open for nominations. The Union Blues are awarded to USU members who make an outstanding contribution to the

University community, whether by being an exemplary leader, selﬂess volunteering; active involvement in activities and events for fellow students; or simply by being great. Broadly speaking, members who make a positive contribution to the ‘culture’ of the University community are eligible for nomination. University staff, students and alumni may nominate students for an award, but nominees must be enrolled student members of the USU. Members are also allowed to nominate themselves. The Union Blues are awarded at the USU Annual Dinner, a black tie event held in September. Last year, 21 students were recognised for their achievements. Students who received awards included those who worked hard behind the scenes to help organise events and programs; representatives of the USU in debating and other intervarsity ventures; enthusiastic and motivated Club and Society members; student entertainers and those who gave their time for voluntary work or social justice. Coinciding with the Union Blues is the USU’s Honorary Life Membership, the highest award given to an alumnus or friend of the USU. Recipients of Honorary Life Membership are those who have dedicated considerable time and effort for the USU’s cause, and have made an outstanding contribution to the Union over a period of time. Up to six people can be bestowed with Honorary Life Membership each year. Last year, radio personality Adam Spencer and prominent scientist and journalist, Dr Robin Fitzsimons were made Honorary Life Members. Nominations for both awards close Friday 23 September, forms can be accessed online at www.usuonline.com.

ISSUE 06 COLUMNS

COLUMNS EDITOR’S NOTE PAUL, ALEX, KIRA, ANNE & LEWIS

ello darlings, how have you been? Eating well? Keeping warm? It’s been a busy few weeks here at Bull HQ (buried deep in an underground bunker under an ice volcano – naturally), crafting up a sweet issue for you to consume. We look at the craziness of the crowd at Splendour, chat to some of the folks behind the scenes at the Revues; ponder the future of the humble bookshop; uncover some surprisingly cool stories about shipping containers (why?, you’ll see) and explore the whole idea that university will make you happy. Not, ‘ha-ha’ happy… but you know, happy. Plus there’s the usual mix of awesome: we sample some really-freaking-weird food; check out reallyfreaking-weird sports; explore the proposed ban on smoking; travel Lithuania; reﬂect on changes in tide in the gaming industry and do all sorts of other stuffs. Plus, there’s a photo of Arnold Swarzzenegger holding a dolly here somewhere… if that’s not something to make TIME Magazine soil itself in shameful inferiority, then we’re not doing our job right! And don’t forget – there are only a couple of issues left! Don’t miss your chance to contribute to Bull Magazine – anybody can! Email us at usubullmag@gmail.com and pitch away! Now, get out of the bibliotheca, grab a cervesa and read! Love, The Editors WHAT’S IN A NAME Well, well, looks like we befuddled the bylines on a couple of our articles last issue and attributed the wrong bits to the wrong peeps! Not cool, sorry! So, let’s clear it up a bit: ‘Desert Dandy’ – the fascinating little Travel article on Syria, was written by GERARD SMYTH. And, the Duke Nukem Forever review on page 40 was, in fact, penned by ROBERT NORTH. Sorry guys!

PRESIDENT’S DESK SIBELLA MATTHEWS University can be a lonely place at times. Tutorials don’t always yield new friendship connections, and it’s not that easy to strike up a casual conversation in the line at Fisher Coffee Cart. But the Union is committed to providing opportunities for you to make the most of your Student Experience, and that includes providing activities and events where you can meet new people and expand your interests. One such event is the Verge Festival occurring from 31 August to 9 September. If you’ve been looking for an opportunity to become more involved at University, I have no doubt that Verge has something for you. Why not come along to Harry Potter Trivia in the Great Hall, or check out Kanye the Musical by Phil Roser in the Cellar Theatre? If you’re not one to hang out on campus after hours, how about coming along to the Great Gatsby High Tea or just chill out during your breaks in the Verge Tent? I’m very proud to be involved in an organisation that supports and encourages the creative and brave thinking of young people, like our Verge Directors Tom Walker and Harriet Gillies. That is why I believe it’s important that the Union Board continue to negotiate with the University to secure an agreement that preserves our independence. Considering that we are not yet close to establishing a formal agreement, the Union recently requested an extension of our current Service Level Agreement, which, if the University accepts, would continue the $3.4 million indirect funding we receive each year towards the repair and maintenance of Wentworth, Manning and Holme buildings. For updates on the negotiations, be sure to check out the Board Blog at www.yourunionboard.blogspot.com. See you at Verge!

STUDENT PROGRAMS ALISTAIR COWIE During second semester we encourage you to reﬂect on those who you feel have made a special contribution to our university community. As you may have read on the page prior, nominations are now open for Volunteers Awards, Union Blues and Honorary Life Membership. The Union Blue is the highest award we can give to a current student at the University in recognition of their outstanding contribution to campus life. In addition to the nominee’s contribution, the selectors will consider the length of period over which the contribution has been made. Honorary Life Membership is awarded to an alumnus or associate of the Union in recognition of an amazing contribution over a sustained period of time. Nominations for Blues and Honorary Life Membership will be received from current members, students, university staff and alumni. Self nominations will also be received. So get out there and nominate someone who think deserves the honour! On the subject of rewarding amazing contributions, the USU could not function as it does without the hard work of its many, wonderful volunteers. I am working with the University on a campus-wide volunteering protocol that will continue to ensure that our volunteers are properly engaged, trained, protected and rewarded. For the past few years, the USU has enjoyed a close association with PKF, who have sponsored our annual Volunteers Awards, and this year I am delighted to announce that we have extended, with PKF’s generous support, the reward system to better reﬂect the diversity of the volunteers’ involvement. As of 2011 we will be offering three awards over different categories: Festival Volunteer of the Year (for O-Week, Re-O-Week, Verge, etc). International Volunteer of the Year (for ADG, International Airport Welcomes, etc). Social Justice Volunteer of the Year (for School Tutoring Program, Interfaith Week, Humanitarian Week, etc). Nominations forms and award criteria are available on the USU website.

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WIN A DOUBLE-PASS

TO STEREOSONIC! Now in its 5th year, Stereosonic is the brainchild of two Australian boutique event companies with the vision to bring the best in ever-popular and new talent to a discerning music crowd. Their ethos is simple: Try to provide the best lineup, the best venues, the best experience whilst improving each year at the best possible price. Stereosonic is Australia’s largest electronic music festival and will feature some of the world’s most talented acts. We’re giving away a double-pass to this year’s festival – simply send us a caption for your chance to win. Just look at this lineup!!

WIN !

Armin Van Buuren - Carl Cox - LMFAO Empire of the Sun - Afrojack - The Bloody Beetroots - Avicii - Benny Benassi – PNAU – Kaskade – Crookers – Dirty South – Bag Raiders and MANY, MANY more!! Stereosonic - Sydney Showgrounds Saturday 26 November 2011 www.stereosonic.com.au

GET TO ZE COMPUTAH!! WRITE A CAPTION AND WIN!! ARRGHGGGHH!!

Tickets on sale now through Ticketek and Moshtix.

Email your caption and details to usubullmag@gmail.com

ISSUE 5 WINNER! “Looks like the place for a power-nap... AVENGERS ASS-AROUND!”

Congratulations to THOMAS NG who’s caption won him a Hoyt’s Double-Pass.

WIN TICKETS TO JACK LADDER AND THE DREAMLANDERS! Jack Ladder and The Dreamlanders are Manning Bar-bound this October on the back of the launch of their awesome new album, Hurtsville. Ladder and his band will be accompanied by special guests Ghoul, doubling the quotient of awesome of this gig!

WIN!

Even more amazing – we’re giving away TWO DOUBLE-PASSES to the show! To go into the draw to win one of the double-passes, simple email your name and details to usubullmag@gmail.com. Tickets are on sale through manningbar.com

Entries for all competitions close 9 September 2011.

COMPETITIONS

NSW Permit no. LTPM-11-00367

CAPTION COMPETITION

Join us today for just $55.

7ITH THREE ON CAMPUS HEALTH Ă&#x17E;TNESS CENTRES over 30 recreation courses and more than SPORTING CLUBS WHETHER YOUmRE A SOCIAL SPORTSMAN OR AN /LYMPIC ATHLETE OUR ANNUAL MEMBERSHIP GIVES YOU ACCESS TO AN AMAZING RANGE OF BENEĂ&#x17E;TS AT AN UNBEATABLE PRICE

$ROP IN TO ONE OF OUR FACILITIES VISIT www.susf.com.au or call: Sports & Aquatic Centre: 9351 4978 The Arena: 9351 8111

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WHAT’S ON YOUR GUIDE TO THE PLACES TO BE ON CAMPUS. WE’LL GIVE YOU THE WHEN AND WHERE – YOU SHOW UP AND ENJOY. TO SEE EVERYTHING THAT’S GOING ON (AND THERE’S A LOT) VISIT WWW.USUONLINE.COM AND CLICK THE CALENDAR.

MNML MNDAYS DJ SESSION 1pm, Manning Bar

TUESDAY 23 AUGUST TUESDAY TALKS 1pm, Manning Bar

BAND COMP SEMI-FINAL 2 7pm, Manning Bar

WEDNESDAY 24 AUGUST

WEDNESDAY 31 AUGUST VERGE OPENING NIGHT WITH MAJOR RAISER 7pm, Verge Festival Tent

8pm, Seymour Centre

THURSDAY 1 SEPTEMBER SYDNEY UNI BAND COMP FINAL 7pm, Manning Bar

5:30pm, International Student Lounge

FRIDAY 2 SEPTEMBER

THURSDAY 25 AUGUST WEEKLY POOL COMP 4pm, International Student Lounge

SCIENCE REVUE: NASABLANCA

MANNING’S BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH THE HOLIDAYS 7pm, Manning Bar

ARCHITECTURE REVUE: NINETEEN EIGHTY FLOOr 7:30pm, Seymour Centre

WEEK 6 TUESDAY 30 AUGUST TUESDAY TALKS 1pm, Manning Bar

ROCK YA BALLS BINGO 5pm, Manning Bar

LIBERAL CLUB ANNUAL FREE FILM SCREENING: BLUE GENERAL MEETING 6pm, Woolley Lecture Theatre VELVET 5:30pm, International Student Lounge

N395

THURSDAY 8 SEPTEMBER

7:30pm, Hermann’s Bar

PROJECT 52 COMEDY NIGHT

NIGHT MARKETS

7pm, Hermann’s Bar

THEATRESPORTS 1pm, Manning Bar

BEAT THE SYSTEM 5pm, Hermann’s Bar

FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE 8pm, Hermann’s Bar

THURSDAY 15 SEPTEMBER 1pm, The Loggia, Manning House

PRIDE WEEK PAR-TAY 7:30pm, The Wine Cellar

OUTSPOKEN POETRY NIGHT

WEEK 7 MONDAY 5 SEPTEMBER

FRIDAY 9 SEPTEMBER

5pm, Verge Gallery

WEEKEND WARM-UP 5pm, Manning Bar

7:30pm, Manning Bar

8pm, Verge Tent

HERMES LAUNCH

FRIDAY 16 SEPTEMBER

DARCYSOC BOOK CLUB THE BEST DAMN COMEDY SHOW EVER

7:30pm, Verge Tent

7pm, Seymour Centre

FRIDAY 26 AUGUST

KANYE: THE MUSICAL BY PHIL ACOUSTIC SESSIONS 1pm, Manning Bar ROSER

SYDNEY UNI DJ COMP FINAL PROJECT 52 STORY CLUB 7:30pm, Hermann’s Bar

5pm, Manning Bar

WEDNESDAY 14 SEPTEMBER

6pm, The Wine Cellar

QUEER REVUE: THE QUEEN

FREE FILM SCREENING: EUROPA

MANNING TRIVIA

WEDNESDAY 7 SEPTEMBER

LASER PARTY FT. DJ TOM LOUD 7:30pm, Verge Tent

LAUNCH PARTY: ADVENTURES INJECTION ROOM OF MYSTERY AND INTRIGUE VOL. 2 9pm, The Wine Cellar

7:30pm, Verge Tent

TUESDAY 6 SEPTEMBER GREAT GATSBY HIGH TEA 1pm, Verge Tent

HARRY POTTER TRIVIA 5pm, Great Hall

PALM AWARDS NIGHT 6pm, Verge Gallery

WEEK 8 TUESDAY 13 SEPTEMBER TUESDAY TALKS 1pm, Manning Bar

AUSTRALIAN DISCUSSION GROUP 3pm, International Student Lounge

Photo by Chris Beaumont

WEEK 5 MONDAY 22 AUGUST

ISSUE 06 WHAT’S ON

TOP PICKS MANNING’S 11TH BIRTHDAY FEAT. THE HOLIDAYS Friday 2 September Manning Bar, 7pm – 12am

COMPETITION & APPLICATION DATES Show off some mad skillz and win some great prizes!

C&S AWARDS Nominations Close: 16 Sep

USU BLUES/HONORARY LIFE MEMBERSHIP Nominations Close: 23 Sep

NEW STUDENT POINT OF CONTACT SPOCS 2012 Close: 30 Sep

KICK START GRANTS APPLICATION

USU LEADERSHIP POSITIONS Bull Editors Tuesday Talks Coordinators Postgraduate Students Internship International Students Internship Campus Culture Directors Verge Festival Directors Women’s Student Events Coordinator Queer Student Event Coordinator Art Collection Ofﬁcers Open: 22 August/Close: 10 Oct

INTERNATIONAL STUDENT POINT OF CONTACT ISPOC 2012 Open: 4 Oct/Close: 12 Nov

Close: 07 Oct/04 Nov

More than a band night, this birthday celebrates Manning in all its uni-deﬁning, study-ruining glory: as the place where students come to drink and study comes to die. With an all-star lineup conﬁrmed, you’re guaranteed to have just as much fun as the three-storied birthday building itself, partying late into the night. Indie darlings and Usyd kids-come-good The Holidays are headlining, with supporting acts Megastick Fanfare, Fishing and Guineafowl on hand to warm the crowd up in style. Join us in celebrating the little student bar that could with some of the hottest indie talent in town!

HARRY POTTER TRIVIA Tuesday 6 September Great Hall, Quadrangle, 5pm The movies are done, Ron’s fat, but the boy who lived is still alive in our hearts. The biggest Potter nerds out have taken over the Hogwarts-like Great Hall to deliver the ultimate trivia experience, accessible to everyone from the most ignorant Muggle to the most learned WizardBot in the universe. Potter-themed trivia, the biggest prizes of any uni trivia competition yet and, of course, it doesn’t ﬁnish until you catch the Snitch.

THE BEST DAMN COMEDY SHOW EVER Thursday 8 September Manning Bar, 7.30pm Why are we calling this the best damn comedy show ever? We’ve sourced our favourite local, national and international comedians, laugh-makers we’re genuinely giddy to see on-stage, world-class talent who are making the world a better place with their funny words, and we’ve booked them all for this one, beautiful night of mirth. This is going to be the best thing to happen to university comedy since Fine Arts got abbreviated to FArts. Check it out: we’ve got the best, funniest faces of the Sydney and international comedy scenes, including indie musical comedian Gen Fricker, recovering goth and Usyd favourite Michael Hing, Canadian TV star Jon Dore and Australian comedy legend Greg Fleet. For one night only Manning Bar plays host to what may just be the greatest comedy gig of this or any generation and you get to be there to watch, laugh and take it all in, to be reborn on the other side as a richer, happier person. Details correct at time of printing but may be subject to change. Please check www.usuonline.com for current details.

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THE

SPLENDID CROWD ANNE WIDJAJA WENT TO SPLENDOUR IN THE GRASS AND PONDERED ABOUT THE STATE OF MUSIC FESTIVALS.

Photos by Anne Widjaja

ISSUE 06 FEATURE

oing to a music festival is a lot like revisiting childhood memories of spending the day at a carnival.You see a few freak shows, wait in too many queues, inevitably drink or eat too much and vomit somewhere awkward; and all whilst constantly battling with hyper crowds that have gone off the edge due to a state of noveltyoverload.

ALTHOUGH THE ANIMAL ONESIES FROM THE ANIMAL ONESIE STORE DOMINATED FESTIVAL FASHION TRENDS, IT WAS THE HOME-MADE COSTUMES THAT A FEW PUNTERS ARRIVED IN THAT WON THE DAY. SEEING WALLY ONLY JUST MADE UP FOR THE FACT THAT I DID NOT MANAGE TO SEE KATE MOSS AT THE FESTIVAL.

These days the line-ups of almost all music festivals (as amazing as they usually are) are not as entertaining as what happens on the other side of the stage, where excitement, freedom from inhibition and near-chaos permeates through the festival masses. This year’s Splendour in the Grass was no exception, successfully uniting the most colourful and the most gross-out festival junkies the country has to offer. Since its conception in 2001, Splendour set itself apart from your typical booze-fest with its impressive ability to bill line ups of high quality, left ﬁeld acts and artistic bent. However in 2010, the festival’s relocation from Byron Bay to the 500-acre Woodfordia parkland in sunny Queensland, not to mention the 200 per cent mark up on ticket prices, did seem to indicate the festival’s transition into the big leagues. This year’s Splendour (headlined by superstar mainstream artists Coldplay and

Kanye West) was overrun with beer-swilling, singleted 20-somethings and their uber trendy, scantily clad female counterparts. The crowd seemed more concerned with downing cans of crappy mixed drinks and watery beers (chanting overtook the drinks lines: ‘Can on mate, can on!’) than soaking up the music at the festival. The commercial operations of the festival have also grown in number; space for vendor stalls took up about as much space as the multiple stages. Crowds ﬂocked to the little market city,

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with its seemingly endless number of food stalls (a number of whom were run by hippy communes), clothing and trinket stalls and even massage-offering ‘day spas’. So if it’s not the music the crowds are really interested in, then why do we go to music festivals at all? Here comes the academic explanation (well, we are at a uni after all). Dr John Drury, Senior Lecturer in Social Psychology at the University of Sussex, wrote an article about crowd psychology and made the seemingly obvious but fundamental point that people go to music festivals because they enjoy being amongst other people like themselves. According to Drury, being amongst people who also enjoy what you enjoy reafﬁrms your life view and results in those delightful, tingly feelings of freedom and empowerment. It’s why we think nothing of dancing with strangers and joining in the general wild shenanigans that occur at festivals. It makes sense then, that the popularity of music festivals is not just the live music, but the guarantee of non-stop socialising, consuming and partying. The live music is almost the pretext for enabling this freedom - it’s an added bonus.

THE CROWD NEEDED NO HELP TO GET THE PARTY STARTED. JINJA SAFARI LED A SPONTANEOUS STAMPEDE AROUND THE AMPHITHEATRE, WHILE A RANDOM MOSH-PIT ON THE HILL DISTRACTED MANY FROM CLOUD CONTROL, THEN, OF COURSE, THERE WERE THOSE GIRLS IN BIKINIS LEADING A ‘PEACE’ MARCH. AND AT ALL TIMES THROUGHOUT THE THREE DAYS, SOMEWHERE, SOMEONE WAS SHOUTING OUT CHRIS LILLEY QUOTES, OR THE YOUTUBE FAVOURITE… “ALLAN! ALLAN!” “STEVE!”

CROWD FAVOURITE KANYE WEST PUT ON NOTHING SHORT OF A ONE-MAN EXTRAVAGANZA –FIREWORKS, WORSHIPPING DANCERS IN G-STRINGS AND AN ELABORATE COSTUME CHANGE DURING ‘CHARIOTS OF FIRE’ – AND THE CROWD LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. THE ONLY THING THAT DAMPENED HIS CONSISTENT DELIVERY OF ALL OUR FAVOURITE KANYE TRACKS (‘GOLD DIGGER’, ‘STRONGER’, ‘JESUS WALKS’, AND A BREATH TAKING RENDITION OF ‘RUNAWAY’) WAS THE NON-APPEARANCE OF JAY-Z WHO WAS RUMOURED TO BE ATTENDING THE FESTIVAL, AND ALSO HOW THE GUEST COLLABORATORS ON ALL HIS HIT SONGS SIMPLY HAD THEIR VOICES ON A BACKING TRACK PLAYED BY A DJ. REGINA SPEKTOR ALMOST STOLE KANYE’S THUNDER ON SATURDAY NIGHT, WHEN SHE SWEPT THE CROWD IN THE GW MCLENNAN TENT AWAY WITH THE RIDICULOUSLY ADORABLE CHARM OF HER SUGARY VOICE.

Still, although the crowd appeared to be frantically fuelled by whatever substances for most of the time, there were some undeniable moments of purely music-fuelled ecstasy. When the two beefy guys in front of me not-sodiscreetly shed a tear during Coldplay’s dazzling performance of ‘Fix You’ (“My friend just lost his shit!”), I had to marvel at the power of music to bring all kinds of people together, even if only just for that one song.

PULP FRONTMAN JARVIS COCKER AND PELLE ALMQVIST FROM THE HIVES BOTH WORKED A TOUGH CROWD WITH THEIR FANTASTIC BANTER, BRINGING SOME MUCH NEEDED ROCK AND ROLL TO A FESTIVAL DOMINATED BY TRIPLE J FLOGGED (MOSTLY FUN BUT YET SO FORGETTABLE) INDIE POP DARLINGS.

ISSUE 06 FEATURE

THE YOU IN UNI

WILL UNIVERSITY MAKE YOU HAPPIER? XIAORAN SHI IS ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS… OR AT LEAST UNDERSTANDING IT.

mber Ale or Golden Ale, that is the question. The scene is Manning Bar, Friday, 4pm. The pressure was on as my trivia team were expecting me to return with a round of drinks and I couldn’t decide what to order.

When this is the toughest decision you’ll face all day, there is little to complain about. A ﬁrst-world problem if there ever was one. But why do we all moan so much about university? Sure it can be tough. Exams, WAMs and the pressure to stack your CV, can all lead us to grumble every now and again. But at the end of the day, a world-class university education is worth it, right? What is the value of tertiary education and will it contribute to our future happiness? A study conducted by the National Centre for Vocational Education Research (NCVER) in 2010 revealed that the wellbeing and satisfaction levels of university students were lower than that of vocational

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training students, who were generally happier both during and after the completion of their training. These results backup the perplexing phenomenon of a negative correlation between education and happiness in developed nations. Author of the study, Associate Professor Alfred Dockery, suggested that the quixotic idea of university has been mythologised out of proportion - romantically overhyped, in other words. Students anticipate stepping into a time machine that will transport them to ancient Athens to study at the feet of Socrates, but are confronted instead by a more staid, institutional reality. Or even a strange reality, for some. A significant number of students struggle to adjust to the lifestyle and methodical change from high-school to university, and to the newfound lack of regulation and discipline. Feelings of isolation can also set in, being only one of countless other good students, especially in hypercompetitive degrees. Many can lose confidence quickly, sometimes to the point of dropping out. The Australian reported last year that attrition rates in 12 major Australian universities averaged 17 per cent. Social pressures obviously play a role in the happiness of students. Substance abuse and relationship problems are two of the biggest culprits in academic failures, according to Paul James, President of the Association for the Public University. Additionally, the former co-ordinator of Monash University’s transition program for first-year students, Mark Peel, estimated that financial difficulties are responsible for up to 15 per cent of subjectfailures. This seems almost predictable when you consider the fact that more than half of all full-time students must divide their time between employment and education. No doubt all of us have at one point or another considered burning down Fisher Library in order to rebuild a brave, new Cretaceous period theme park... or is that just me? Whatever your anti-uni fantasy, the point is, if ‘the university experience’ itself is no guarantee of our happiness, what is to be gained from tertiary education other than a HECS debt and an untouched copy of Critique of Pure

Reason? Is it simply a means to an end to enter the workforce, qualified but unfulfilled? The economic streamlining of a world in recession has thrust doubt upon the utility and value of higher education. The Browne Report in the United Kingdom, for example, recently examined the commercialisation of higher education and came to a similar conclusion. Its authors asserted that tertiary education had become a private commodity aimed at amplifying the earning power of the individual. Dr Cathy Gong of the National Centre for Economic and Social Modelling agreed as she observed the growing importance of tertiary qualifications in the workforce. “Before the 1970s, education didn’t make such a big difference and there was less inequality,’’ she said. You certainly don’t need a doctorate to understand the link between happiness, job satisfaction, and wealth. An international survey, published in the Sydney Morning Herald last year, unveiled the groundbreaking discovery that rich people are happier than poor people… broadly speaking. But happiness is a philosophical concern. Happiness is hard to quantify, and money seems to be a convenient way to do so, but it’s far more complex. Other studies have found that the relationship between income and happiness reaches a plateau at around $40,000, with incremental increases making virtually no difference to self-reported levels of happiness. It appears the ability to afford the essentials of living, but not necessarily Foxtel, is enough to ensure a life of contentment. Are you listening rabid, aspiring investment bankers? If your motivation for entering higher education is to make a mint, then think again. Arts students everywhere can perhaps breathe a collective sigh of relief at the good news. Despite the typical Arts student’s ironic lifestyle being their first, second and third most irritating feature, they might actually be on to something by eschewing the road less bountiful. The utilitarian worth of higher education extends beyond its influence in the labour market and its role in moneymaking ventures. University is a cultural institution, a hallowed shrine, a book depository, a social experiment, the sandstone blocks surrounding Manning Bar… but it is definitely not a stopover on the way to the bank. The study of non-vocational humanities subjects, such as philosophy, h directly addresses the value of d higher education and the ways h it i contributes to individual wellbeing. University education w doesn’t stand a chance in the d vvacuum of pure capitalism, but b it continues to thrive because it provides a b unique thrill and sense u of o satisfaction you simply won’t find by s rrolling around in a bed b of cash. Professor A. A C. Grayling of the

“If your motivation for entering higher education is to make a mint, then think again.”

ISSUE 06 FEATURE

SHORT-TERM FUN AND HAPPINESS ON CAMPUS IS ALL-BUT GUARANTEED THANKS TO CLUBS AND SOCIETIES, EVENTS, BARS AND PARTIES… BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT ENDS?

University of London elegantly illustrated this point when he spoke at an event in England in March called Philosophy Matters. “Philosophy matters because life has to be lived reflectively, and philosophy is reflection on life,” said Professor Grayling. “Philosophy lies at the heart of endeavour to live wisely and well.” Sentimentality aside, it’s worth rewinding to the beginning and examining that thing called ‘happiness’, the pursuit of which is recognised as a constitutional right in the US Declaration of Independence. Senior lecturer at the University of Sydney, Dr Caroline West, says that the success of your pursuit of happiness depends on the type of happiness you choose. In the crudest terms, happiness can be conceived as either a temporary sensation or mood related to pleasure and gratification; or a more enduring sense of satisfaction with one’s life, in terms of achievements and decisions evaluated by objective or subjective standards. If you elect to chase fleeting fragments of elation, perhaps drug addiction is right for you. Conversely, Dr West uses the example of raising children to demonstrate long-term happiness. The selflessness, work and sacrifice required are short-term personal negatives suffered in order to raise, as Dr West puts, “well-adjusted and productive members of the community,” which is an “important life goal for many people”. The conflict inherent in the very nature of happiness is exemplified in the NCVER study. People with university degrees reported higher levels of satisfaction with their ‘career prospects’, the ‘state of the economy’ and their ‘future’ than any other group, but their happiness in areas such as ‘spare time’ and ‘independence’ suffered. But we cannot ignore the principle of relativity. The University of Melbourne’s Household, Income and Labour Dynamics (HILDA) survey in 2010 gauged lifestyle satisfaction in the general population – not just those currently studying. It reported that those who had entered into higher education, in fact

expressed greater satisfaction with their lives than others. The HILDA survey is backed up by similar research carried out at the University of Toronto, which found that the variable displaying the strongest relationship with happiness was ‘human capital’, the share of the population who held tertiary qualiﬁcations. Perhaps the Browne Report wasn’t so far off the truth after all. As Dr Cathy Gong pointed out, the economic value of higher education is more precious than ever, so the best safeguard against a trip to Centrelink is a university degree. But, before we pat ourselves on the back for sticking it through ﬁrst semester, we shouldn’t forget the valiant efforts of Dick Smith, Ringo Starr and Paul Keating, who enjoyed success and fame without the luxury of a formal tertiary education. It is important to remember that nothing, including university, is a prerequisite for happiness. It brings us to the famous ‘hedonic treadmill’, an idea coined by psychologists, Philip Brickman and Donald Campbell some 40 years ago. It basically points out that humans are an incredibly resilient and adaptable species, and that so-called ‘life-altering’ events will permanently affect our happiness is often a fallacy. They observed that while people who had won the lottery, or had been rendered paraplegic did, predicably, experience a dramatic change in happiness, within six months, they returned to the same self-determined happiness levels as before the event. Researchers now believe it is strongly correlated to personality. When translated into English, this means that people who have a more optimistic, joyful disposition are generally happier. Well, duh. So, glass half full, bigger picture, sky’s always blue pseudo-happy thinking aside – what, practically speaking, can a student do today to become a happier person? The ABC’s Making Australia Happy, advocates writing your own eulogy, or a letter of gratitude to someone important in your life (and reading it to them

STUDIES SHOW MONEY DOES BUY HAPPINESS… TO A POINT.

to make it ‘even more important’). If this veers dangerously into the realm of sycophancy or insanity for you, try the more sensible advice of taking up volunteer work, exercise, and better quality sleep. There’s also the extracurricular life on campus there for the taking – the clubs, events, music, parties and all other manner of distractions here we take for granted. So, there you go, as you can see, there are countless studies and countless surveys, statistics and opinions on that ever-so-important idea of happiness. If all else fails, here is one last set of statistics that you might ﬁnd comforting – many recent studies agree that happiness is determined approximately 50 per cent by genetics, 10 per cent by external circumstances, and only 40 per cent by our own actions. What does that teach us? That our parents and society are still to blame? Just kidding. Don’t worry, be happy… and go the Amber Ale.

16 6

UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY UNION

AWARDS 2011 Photography • Art Literature • Music

5-23 September Verge Gallery, Jane Foss Russell Plaza FREE ENTRY Vote for your favourite entries in the People’s Choice award at www.usuonline.com/palm

For more information contact the ACCESS Desk, Manning House E: info@usu.usyd.edu.au T: 9563 6000

ISSUE 06 INTERVIEW

n the lead up to Verge Festival, Kira SpucysTahar sat down with Dom Greenwood, the force behind Major Raiser.

TELL ME ABOUT MAJOR RAISER. HOW DOES THE CONCEPT WORK? I’ve always been compassionate and wanted to do things for other people but didn’t know how. Then I remember going through that stage when you’re 18 to 22 and you’re in that big drinking phase and going out partying all the time. It’s what you do. I woke up one day after a big night with a really bad hangover and I just thought, ‘This is so not worth it.’ And I had this idea… imagine if it could be worth it. We don’t aim to change your habits, I’m not telling you not to drink or party. It’s about embracing the idea that you’re a young Australian and integrating that with a social focus. We’re laying the social fabric of the future so we may as well have a big part in that, and why not do something greater?

HOW DO YOU CHOOSE WHICH CHARITIES AND COMMUNITIES TO GET INVOLVED WITH? It all starts with the connection. I am starting to get more emails from people asking: ‘Can you help us out with this and that?’, but I’ve got so much going on, it’s getting to the point where you want to help everyone but you can’t. Once you realise that you can’t, you’ve got to start doing your own thing to the best of your ability. Anything we get involved with we want to be high impact and worth our time. I’m very passionate about mental health and indigenous Australian culture, that’s why I focus on those things, but then I’m always open to new things, and tailoring our ideas. Ideally we’re looking to a point in the future where we could integrate it all into one big festival. WAS IT DIFFICULT TO GET PEOPLE ON BOARD WITH YOUR CONCEPT? Not anymore, but in the beginning, yeah. It’s still the biggest struggle everyday dealing with booking agents. They kill my life. What we’re trying to do, we’re so passionate and so genuine, and we don’t expect anything for free but I think a lot of people see that whole charity thing and they’re like, ‘eugh’. That’s why we’re trying to brand ourselves as Major Raiser, a live music/social enterprise concept. I just think everyone needs to think about other people more; it gives you a better sense of fulﬁllment. Why is what I’m doing such a big deal? This should be normal - everyone should be doing it.

MAJOR RAISER

INTERVIEW

“Instead of a bland, boring venue, we want to make it an experience, not just four walls and a sound system.”

TELL US A BIT ABOUT WHAT WE CAN EXPECT FROM MAJOR RAISER AT VERGE. I guess I’ve always been passionate about mental health and the whole idea with Verge Festival is about embracing a new way of thinking, asking: ‘why is that stigma so strong?’ When you’re at this amazing live music event, you won’t know that it’s anything to do with mental health, but you’ll feel the energy. At Verge we’ll be using installations. We’re getting these LED throwies; you come and make your own magnets with LED lights and then throw them onto other surfaces. We’re going to have awesome art installations on the stage. We’re giving creatives a chance to explore the unknown. We’re also looking into making a Rubik’s Cube out of LED lights. Instead of a bland, boring venue, we want to make it an experience, not just four walls and a sound system. We’re going to use the space as a canvas – what sums up mental health better than light and energy? That’s everything that makes a human right there, and we’re harnessing that to do powerful things. WHAT’S NEXT FOR MAJOR RAISER? I’m going to Africa in January for two weeks with eight other people. There’s this community in South Africa and we identiﬁed that the one thing they really need is a steady food supply of this porridge-style food supplement called Epap. If we sell all our tickets it’ll equate to a year’s worth of food for 200 kids. Instead of us just dumping the proceeds on some charity, we’re actually going over there. It’s something we’re looking into doing every December for the same community so we can make them fully sustainable through kids partying in Sydney. That’s just the start of the journey.

BULL USUONLINE.COM FEATURE

READ IT AND WEEP ALEX MCKINNON WONDERS IF THERE’S ANY HOPE FOR THE HUMBLE BOOKSHOP.

ou’re reading this, so chances are you like to read a bit. Chances are also that you might have been a bit shocked the last time you toddled down to your local bookshop and found it shut.You’re not alone; bookshops have fallen like dominoes all over the country, and the unfortunate trend is getting worse for bookworms. Two of the biggest book retailers, Borders and Angus & Robertson, have closed for good, and it’s grim reading for others as well. So is this the ﬁnal chapter for the humble bookshop?

ISSUE 06 FEATURE

Let’s start at the beginning. In February this year, RedGroup Retail, owner of Angus & Robertson and Borders, announced it was going into administration, with debts of around $130 million. Negotiations began to sell off the 189 stores and save the 2,500 jobs suddenly up for grabs. The A&R and Borders websites were bought by the Pearson publishing group in July, but the vast majority of stores have languished on the shelf. Of the 116 company-owned Angus & Robertson stores, RedGroup managed to sell off three. The 47 franchise stores are still operating, but are trapped in limbo. Some are in negotiations with Collins Booksellers to continue with a new coat of paint. Twenty-ﬁve franchises sought to go it alone in April, but were taken to court by RedGroup’s administrator Ferrier Hodgson. Some will share the fate of the 26 Borders stores and close. The impact of the closures is hard to overstate. Angus & Robertson alone controlled more than a quarter of Australia’s $1.5 billion bookshop market, and combined with Borders,

RedGroup was the undisputed king of the book retail industry. This time last year, there were roughly 2,270 bookshops in Australia, now there are around 2,000, meaning that one out of every 10 Australian bookshops have closed down in a single year. Sydney alone lost 20, but the greatest loss was felt outside the major centres, where a small Angus & Robertson was often a consumer’s only local option. Many country towns and regional areas are now without a local bookshop. Despite being the last man standing, Dymocks is feeling the pinch too. Sales at Australia’s biggest-bookstore-by-default continue to slide, even now that RedGroup has left the building. Dymocks only bought one of the A&R stores on offer, and of the four Dymocks stores operating in Sydney’s CBD, only two will be left by September; one, in World Square, was forced to shut its doors in June, while the large technical and IT-centric store in Wynyard closed down halfway through August. Publishers are struggling as well. Major supplier

Scribo is due to shut down within months, and more are tipped to follow. “It’s like someone ﬂipped a switch and no-one’s buying books anymore,” said a senior Dymocks employee who wished to remain anonymous. The big question is why. Well, RedGroup weren’t great at running bookshops, for starters. This all came as a shock to the average bookish punter, but industry insiders warned of this happening back in 2009. Scribo CEO Henry Rosenbloom told business news site Smartcompany that among other things, poor management was responsible for the collapse. Rosenbloom said RedGroup managers were “bovver boys who alienated all their inherited knowledgeable staff (who left), made appalling decisions about stock selection and presentation and tried to treat books like potatoes”. In its death throes, RedGroup began increasing prices, cutting range and forestalling payments to suppliers to battle rising debt. By the end, A&R was charging $37 for a trade paperback, $4 more than Dymocks, its nearest

BULL USUONLINE.COM FEATURE

competitor. Both chains developed a nasty and Amazon can home-deliver titles for vastly habit of importing poorly-printed, unsuccessful reduced prices, especially with the roaring titles from the United States, stuffing them into Aussie dollar, and many don’t even charge bargain bins and passing it off as ‘increasing postage. The rise of online shopping is certainly the range,’ while neglecting new and local challenging all retail sectors, but the book authors. These and other half-arsed practices industry is looking like the first major casualty. no doubt contributed to the death of an iconic Small Business Minister Nick Sherry went so far 125-year-old Australian business. “It’s a very as to claim in The Australian in June that “in five good example of why bookselling is not a years, other than a few specialist bookstores in corporate business – it’s a hands-on, detailcapital cities, we will not see a bookstore. They intensive business with low profit margins,” said will cease to exist.” Rosenbloom. Sounds pretty dire, no? One could be Be a little sceptical of some of these postforgiven for agreeing with Minister Sherry’s mortems, though; too many of the interested claim, but not all bookstores are languishing. parties hate each other. Before Dymock’s woes and the collapse of the closures, the hot topic in RedGroup have allowed indie Australian bookselling booksellers to assume the was parallel lion’s share of the market. importation, which Some 22.5 per cent of pitted the big Australians now choose chains against to shop local. There Australian are at least a dozen independent or smallauthors and chain bookshops publishers. in Newtown and Parallel Glebe, including importation household names laws prevent like Gleebooks and Australian the anarchic Goulds, booksellers and they’re not doing from - Nick Sherry too badly at all, claims importing Derek Dryden, owner a book of Newtown bookshop from foreign Better Read Than Dead. publishers if an “Sales as a whole have Australian company only dropped a couple of per publishes the book cent this year - it’s not as if we’re within 30 days. This means spiralling down the gurgler,” said Dryden, domestically-printed books who takes exception to Senator Sherry’s usually cost more than overseas editions, but the attitude. “Borders and Angus and Robertson law is designed to give Australian publishers a were bookshops that weren’t involved with their level of protection and helps local authors get community at all,” Dryden told the InnerWest a foot in the door. Dymocks pushed hard for Courier. “We as independent booksellers create a the abolition of the laws in 2009, forming the real relationship with the customer.” It’s a good Coalition for Cheaper Books with other retail point and one echoed by Henry Rosenbloom, pillars like K-Mart, Big W and Coles. Following who pointed out the uniqueness of bookselling a massive outcry from Australian authors and as a retail industry. “Only people who love it and publishers, the government kept the laws, a know what they’re doing can make a success of decision RedGroup chairman Steven Cain and it – internet or no internet,” he said. Dymocks chairman (and former NSW State A lot of people find it hard to imagine a Premier) Bob Carr blame as the cause of the world without bookshops, a fact that Dryden shutdown. “That’s protection for you: you shore and many others are no doubt banking on. It’s up jobs in a clapped-out factory and lose them entirely possible that cherished local bookshops in retail and service,” Carr wrote at the time. who engage with their communities will even Bob Carr certainly has a point when he prosper as the bigger, faceless rivals wither, pressed for drastic change “in the face of and we’ll be happy with quality over quantity. internet purchases and the arrival of ebooks”. That’s not to say that the future, particularly Once prohibitively expensive, ebook readers over the next five years, won’t be bloody tough are now widely available for prices people are for booksellers. Many bookstores will be caught prepared to pay. To date, many Australian and out as consumers permanently change their lesser-known titles are not available in ebook spending habits and the digital age continues form, but their share of the market is bound to its relentless march, but those that adapt will increase as the gaps are filled. Bookstore chains survive.You read it here first. have responded by selling ebook readers and digital titles in-store and on their websites, but there’s only so much they can do. From a purely financial perspective, there is no way domestic bookstores can compete price-wise with what’s Disclosure: Alex McKinnon is a current employee of Better online. Sites like Book Depository, Abebooks Read Than Dead, and a previous employee of Dymocks.

“In ﬁve years... we will not see a bookstore. They will cease to exist.”

ISSUE 06 FEATURE

STAGEDELIGHT THE USU’S ANNUAL REVUES ARE NOT JUST FUN FOR THE AUDIENCE, THERE’S FUN TO BE HAD ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CURTAIN DISCOVERS PAUL KARP AS HE CATCHES UP WITH CAST AND CREW OF SOME OF THIS YEAR’S REVUES.

t’s that time of year again when students who are light of heart and brave of spirit warm up their tonsils, strap on the dancing shoes and tread the boards. That’s right, it’s Revues Season time; those student-produced (and written, directed and performed) parody and pun machines that give notoriety to the famed genre of ‘undergraduate humour’. They trade off a time-honoured formula of impressions, skits, song-and-dance numbers and, yes, the obligatory (no really, obligatory) nude sketch.

BULL USUONLINE.COM FEATURE

“Everybody throws themselves willingly into any role, no matter how ridiculous.” – Queer Revue director, Liz Mulhall.

Revues are a team effort through and through.

As the stages of the Seymour Centre await the onslaught of performances, I spoke with some of the students working and rehearsing behind the scenes for various Revues to hear the hype and get the inside story on this year’s offerings. Speaking to cast members, it’s easy to see why they’re involved. Each one positively glows with enthusiasm when discussing their shows. Christina White is a cast member of this year’s Law Revue, The Socially Awkward Network, and, despite the title, ﬁnds the camaraderie and inclusion the best part of being involved. “I’ve enjoyed getting to know the cast, you spend a lot of time together,” she says. “Unlike some Clubs and Societies, where it can be hard to break your way in, a Revue is actively inclusive.” Fellow Law cast member, Bebe D’Souza, agrees: “It has been particularly rewarding socialising with other law students outside the class context,” she says. “Casual drinks and brainstorming skits will always win over case-cramming!” Revue cast members are made to be integral parts of the production; everyone has equal opportunity to write the skits to go into the show. Caitlin Gleeson of Arts Revue, HowWe Learnt to Love Again, explains how the Arts kids do it. “All cast members get the chance to write as

few or as many sketches as they like,” she says. “Even if their sketches aren’t picked, everyone is given multiple sketches to act in.” The process is similar for the Law Revue where the cast divides itself into small groups to write skits, each with a director. Bebe reveals how this year, the directors created Google Docs groups so cast members could still contribute and work together from home. “We ﬁnd that this is the best way to make sure that the content is fresh and funny because we can play ideas off each other to make sure we get the funniest angle on any particular issue,” she says. After initial cast suggestions the executive (directors and assistant-directors) decide what makes the cut. But at every stage they work with the cast. What you ﬁnally see on stage really is a big collaborative effort. Of course, being so wholesomely involved means there’s nowhere to run when it comes to that big dance number. Christina points out, “everyone does everything; if you’re in the cast you will be acting in skits, singing, and dancing.” Bebe meanwhile notes that while some enviously talented individuals are good at all three, the majority of mere mortal cast members use the opportunity to pick up and improve on the elements of the performance in

which they aren’t so skilled. Bebe herself admits her weakness is coordination. “I don’t have a particularly great dance history, I was kicked out of ballet at age five for failing to gallop correctly and my parents, not knowing what to do with me, enrolled me in the only style of dance that would have me – interpretive,” she recalls. “Luckily, the more dance-able cast members in the Revue are able to help me through my tragic past.” (Side note: watch out for the Law Revue’s Arab Spring musical number. It’s one of Bebe’s favourites because it is such a daring topic, particularly when portrayed in a Broadway-style medley!) Audiences are spoiled for choice this year, with nine Revues packed into a four-week season. There are virtues to seeing as many as possible, because as Caitlin remarks “each faculty tends to have a unique sense of humour that then translates into their shows.” Director of Queer Revue Liz Mulhall, explains further, “because of the influence of their faculty or field of study on the subject matter of the show, the cast of every Revue seems to be in on the joke in that way, and their enjoyment translates across to the audience.” Bebe agrees that each production has its own unique strengths, nominating

ISSUE 06 FEATURE

political satire as the Law Revue’s specialty. She says she found that acting in a Revue increased her desire to check out the other shows. “After focusing completely on a revue from the inside, the prospect of seeing another revue with no knowledge of what it entails is exciting and, dare I say it, somewhat liberating,” she says. The cast member experience promotes a shared feeling across the different Revues. Tim Lee, producer of the Queer Revue, explains this feeling; “some [shows] are huge and impressive, some are small and light-hearted, some have particularly impressive music while others have amazing costumes - we’re like a family! Maybe a dysfunctional one, but still a family!” In fact, the Queer Revue is a new addition to the family. It made its debut in 2010 as the brainchild of Tim and director Matt Whitehead. Tim says that as a non-faculty Revue, Queer Revue filled a “gap in the market”, adding variety to the lineup. Were their difficulties about putting on a new production? “Certainly we didn’t have any problems with Union funding, or support from the other Revues...the main issue was getting enough people to perform, particularly women,” Tim says. “Understandably, I think people were a bit unwilling to get involved in something completely untested.” The first Queer Revue was a big success,

boasting three sold-out performances. So it’s no surprise that it’s back again this year and with a larger cast too. This year’s show, The Queen is directed by Liz Mulhall, who is sure that the enthusiasm of the cast will make a big impression on audiences. “They are a bunch of lunatics, in the best possible way,” she says. “They throw themselves willingly into any role, no matter how ridiculous.” While not many of the cast have been in productions before, all the performers are now well drilled on the basics of performing, like projection and not turning your back to the audience. “Fortunately those things could be taught easily, but also, the cast made up for some lack of experience with high, sometimes frightening, amounts of energy!” Liz says this year’s Queer Revue is set to feature plenty of grand musical numbers. “Musical comedy is particularly apt for the Queer Revue, because a lot of Broadway/Disney songs sound incredibly gay, they are just waiting for re-written lyrics!” Tim meanwhile sees the two strengths of the Revue as its smaller scale and its non-autonomous nature (accepting students of any sexual orientation). “Those two things create a diverse but close-knit group, which is a really good place to start when you’re putting on a show!” he says before adding how enthusiastic he is about playing an outrageously camp Hercule Poirot. If the rigours of singing and dancing aren’t daunting enough, consider the enormous challenges of producing or directing a Revue. “The difficulty is trying to reconcile my vision for the show with the ideas that others (head writers, Revue exec, cast members) have, as well as trying to anticipate what the audience will want to watch,” explains Liz. The collaborative nature of the Revues, while their biggest strength, also creates a lot of work: it is an incredibly difficult task trying to combine many people’s visions into one coherent whole. Given the enthusiasm of all Revue participants, it is not surprising that everyone says they’d love to be involved again in future. said “Although a Revue is a massive time commitment, participating gives you so many benefits,” enthuses Bebe. “Such as meeting new people, giving you a space for creative output at university, distracting (positively) from the burden of uni-work and importantly, trading in your unused gym membership for hours of dance routine-induced cardio.” All their efforts will be richly rewarded by appreciative audiences, or, if not rewarded, supplemented by a well-timed heckle (another proud tradition of the Revue). It takes guts to go out on the stage, checking your shame on the way in and getting your funny on. If the infectious passion and zeal displayed by the cast and crew members I spoke to is any indication, this year’s crop of Revues are going to be brilliant.

REVUES RUN UNTIL THE 3RD OF SEPTEMBER. Details are available online at usuonline.com, or each Revue’s website.

BULL USUONLINE.COM.AU CAMPUS CHATTER

CAMPUS CHATTER I’M NOT A STALKER, BUT...

TO THE BEARDED HOTTIE THAT TOLD MY BEST GUY FRIEND AND I WE HAVE SEXUAL TENSION, The only tension we have is when we both go for the same guy. I think I’d rather have some sexual tension with you. Same time, same place next week? Girl in the co-op line DEAR MID-SEM BREAK, Y U SO FAR AWAY? Not dealing well with week 2 DEAR LABCOAT PUBCRAWL GUY, I woke up with 7 numbers on my labcoat. Which one’s yours? Cute Chemistry

TO THE BABE WITH THE DEATHLY HALLOWS TATTOO ON HIS WRIST, You have Accio’d my heart. Please don’t think I’m a horcrux, but I’d let you Slytherin to my bed any day. Expectant Patronum

DEAR DEGREE, Ciao for a semester. At least Italy won’t care if I’m running late. Lat(e)in Major TO THE GUY I’VE SEEN RUNNING AROUND DRESSED LIKE CLINT EASTWOOD, Your poker face gives nothing away from under that cowboy hat. What are you hiding under your poncho? Feelin’ lucky TO THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL SYSTEM, Stop it. Just stop it right now.You’re scaring the old people. Stressed economist

TO CAMPUS SMOKERS, I support your right to spend lots of money in exchange for slowly killing yourselves. Just don’t blow it in my face. Asthmatic TO THE EX IN MY HISTORY SUBJECT, Will you avoid that lecture for the rest of eternity, or shall I? Awkward TO THE GUY WITH THE BROKEN ARM IN MY GOVERNMENT TUTE, Arm-wrestling? Really? Pull the other one. Sceptical TO THE FOOD CO-OP CHICK AT RE-O DAY, I found your purple hair and tiedye as entrancing as our in-depth conversation on the comparative merits of different lentils. Convert me to your vegan ways. Greenbean TO DYLAN MORAN, Your Australian tours are too few and far between. Up with this I will not put. More, please! Black Books fans TO THE GUY IN 8AM MATHS IN WALLACE, Your jumper said “The regret of a piece, Is not my life, Circumstance is simple”. Care to enlighten us upon the deep and epic meaning sewn into your clothing? Love, your (confused) admirers

SOMEONE CATCH YOUR WANDERING EYE? SOMEONE ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF YOU? SOMEONE MAKE YOU LAUGH DERISIVELY? LET US KNOW AND SEND YOUR MESSAGES TO:

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ISSUE 06 CAMPUS CHATTER

PLEASE, HAVE A COW

GOT BEEF WITH SOMETHING? SPILL YOUR GUTS IN 400 WORDS OR LESS TO USUBULLMAG@ GMAIL.COM

JACK MASON NEEDS SOME SWEET LOVIN’, OH BABY, OH BABY. I am not having a bar anymore. One could say that I’m pretty barless in fact. I think my immense frustration has just about reached the spot where imminently, my brain could explode out of its cavity and start behaving like it belongs in the Department of Mysteries. Every single girl that I would ever want to date; has a bloody boyfriend. Again, I am totally freaking bar-less. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be that boy in your arms? I’m cleverish, bearable to be around, not revolting-looking, and you know what? I actually care about how your day was. And you know what irks me

elcome to Bull’s Variations on a Scene, where we encourage YOU to get your creative writing skills out and help evolve our story. It’s simple; read the current edition’s story and take one element of it – be it an object, setting, character, theme etc - and submit your own creative piece. Here is this issue's instalment – you take it from here!

EMAIL YOUR STORY VARIATIONS TO USUBULLMAG@GMAIL.COM STORIES CAN BE NO LONGER THAN 300 WORDS...

even so much more? I look at the boyfriends of these girls that I so covet, and they’re all marvelously inadequate. So it got me thinking, what do these boys have that I possibly don’t? All these guys have at least one of the following: 1. The inability to string two words together; 2. A face like a foot; 3. A body to rival Snorlax; 4. An utterly pretentious tone; 5. A complete lack of individuality; 6. In one case, all of the above. Gentleman, it’s a dangerous time to be a young single man on the prowl. Having decided that I don’t really want to have any of these traits instantly befall me, I must admit that I am completely lost for love. I’m not

exactly nervous about talking to women around the place, but every single conversation I have with a nice decent girl seems to instantly progress to the inevitable ‘My boyfriend’ sentence. Or alternatively, the realisation of such a relationship after a cheeky Facebook stalk. I’m sorry for the tirade, but I’m really struggling here. Ladies of the Bull mag readership, I need a nice untaken lady, because I’ve decided they don’t exist. If you are this girl then please, please send an email to Bull with your name. I’d love to know about you. And if I don’t get a response, you’ll probably see a guy wandering around Eastern Avenue acting Romeo to any girl he can see pretty soon. And he’ll be god-damn bar-less.

VARIATIONS ON A SCENE CONSTANCE SITBON

Although he had previously dated a friend of mine for over a year, I really only got to know him when we ended up in the same class. I hardly knew anybody. He was the only familiar face. I asked if I could sit next to him. He did not look up but replied with a large grin that he could “bear the thought of it”. As days went by, we grew fonder of each other. And by the end of the semester, we had become inseparable. Still today though, I could not point out what started it all. We did not even have that much in common, to be honest. But he made me smile. He made me laugh. He pretty much was everything a girl could dream of. With his blonde curls, his angel face and his baby blues, I guess you just could not help but fall for

him anyway. But there was something more about him. Something sweet and profound at the same time. From time to time, he would get lost in his thoughts and I could almost see the tears rolling down his cheeks. His father had passed away a couple years ago. That was where this melancholia came from. I knew better than to ask though, for he would tell me all his secrets eventually. I will never forget the ﬁrst time we kissed. It was at a Halloween party. He walked into the room all dressed in white. “What’s that all about?” I asked, amused. “You always say I look like a freaking angel...” “I can’t see your halo,” I chuckled. “I am undercover,” he replied, bending to kiss me. “God has higher plans for me tonight.”

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BULL USUONLINE.COM FEATURE

THE VERGE FESTIVAL WILL BRING A BUNCH OF SHIPPING CONTAINERS TO CAMPUS IN THE NAME OF ART. CAT TAYEH PAYS HOMAGE TO THE SURPRISINGLY VERSATILE STEEL BOX.

race yourselves, commuters, for the most hectic bottleneck on Eastern Avenue since, well, its transformation to a pedestrian highway in 2008. As part of this year’s Verge Festival, 10 shipping containers will make the transition from industrial transportation package to spectacular installation art.

The Uncontainable exhibition kicks off on day one of the festival, 31 August, and will run down the length of the causeway. Emerging and professional artists, architects and engineers will be all up in these containers. They will bring lights, sound, and paint together, and scatter it all with some ﬁne sawdust. They might even wear berets and safety goggles. But why shipping containers? Why those big metal monstrosities? Well, as you’ll see, the humble shipping container has lived quite an interesting life.

SHIP TO SHIP SHAPE LEGO LAND In 2006, some ultra-hip (ultra-ship?) students in Amsterdam took student resourcefulness to extremes and created themselves a town out of shipping containers. The Keetwonen village is made from 1,000 recycled containers stacked high, like Lego if it could be used to solve a housing crisis. Keetwonen may look like some sort of post-apocalyptic resort, but looks are deceiving, as each shipping apartment contains a kitchen, bathroom, air-conditioning and windows. There’s even a balcony!

FISH AND CHIPS In fact, 2006 was also the year that one particular shipping container made headlines and improved the lives of those who enjoy both long walks on the beach and cheesy snacks. Thousands upon thousands of unopened packets of Doritos washed up just south of the Cape Hatteras Fishing Pier in North Carolina, USA after a container fell off a ship (or jumped...). Residents collected garbage bags of these things, and a certain chip enthusiast even hired a truck to help himself. Go there the next time you’re in the neighbourhood, you may still ﬁnd yourself a free snack.

ISSUE 06 FEATURE

BB-SEA PROJECT In 2008, BBC News launched a project which tracked ‘The Box’, a shipping container, for a year on its journey around the world. Why? Some say they couldn’t find a sailor who would tolerate a tracking device, let alone a BBC logo branded on their face. The BBC’s official reason for the ambitious project was to unpack the human meaning that underpins global links in production and trade. Indeed, their coverage followed the box to China, where it dumped its payload of 12-year-old Chivas Scotch Whisky to be delivered to middle-class Shanghai bars. The Beeb then continued its journey with the box to LA and finally to Pennsylvania. This time it contained thousands of metal tape measures, a commodity arguably essential to the American ‘DIY’ bourgeoisie. The exercise revealed much about consumption and globalisation and all the other stuff you’ll learn in Sociology. It was also discovered that the Chinese factory manufacturing the tape said there simply wasn’t enough demand from America, Japan and Europe put together. A cruel thought considering the workers’ comrades barely two and a half hours away in Shanghai just couldn’t get enough luxury liquor. The ‘Box’ exposed a sad irony that poor people in China and America are not only dependent on the spending patterns of people who are wealthier than they, but are also dependent on each other’s consumption habits. That’s right, you just received a lesson in globalisation and socio-economics from a shipping container. The BBC didn’t lie when they promised their box was a special box.

SHORE (AND THEN EASTERN AVENUE) A NEED FOR CONTAINMENT Thinking outside the box, so to speak, is the rather radical proposal to use old offshore oil rigs and shipping containers to make luxury resorts. Texan ﬁrm Morris Architects won the Radical Innovation in Hospitality Design Competition in 2009 with their incredible design of the Oil Rig Platform Resort, a monument of recycling. Instead of blowing up decommissioned oil rigs they plan, by using shipping containers and other materials, to convert them into hotels complete with restaurants, bars, pools, marinas and casinos. The resorts will even produce their own eco-friendly energy. The architects say the project would preserve the marine life that inhabit the area, and could be stopovers for passing cruise ships.

So what will the Uncontainable artists conjure up for the shipping containers bound for Eastern Avenue? For something that has travelled the world and been ﬁlled with all manner of things… legal and illegal, it’ll have to be pretty special. Find out for yourself at Verge Festival 2011!

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ISSUE 06 STUDENT LIFESTYLE

STUDENT LIFESTYLE Cold Turkey LEWIS D’AVIGDOR LOOKS AT THE PROPOSED CAMPUS BAN ON SMOKING.

he University of Sydney Senate is currently drafting a policy to ban cigarettes on campus. Not just the selling of cigarettes, but also the smoking of them. This has raised the ire of the smoker population on campus. The policy appears to be the ﬁnal attack on smokers, many of whom already claim to be made to feel like a malodorous social underclass. The University ban will go beyond laws that only ban smoking in inside areas. Indeed, many argue that on one level, it is an attack on civil liberties – the prohibition of a perfectly legal act. However, despite reports to the contrary, the senate is not proposing a total ban, but only on smoking within 10 metres of buildings, in outdoor eating areas and in two further designated areas: The Quad and Eastern

Avenue. The reasoning is that this will prevent second-hand smoke affecting non-smokers. Students will still be able to light up on other areas of campus, such as the lawns. Despite first appearances, this seems almost to be a compromise on the civil liberties aspect of the debate It is still unclear how the ban would be enforced. The University’s current policy appears to believe that self-policing will simply occur as a result of a few signs being put in place. There has been no suggestion that the campus cops will be issuing fines. Students and staff can presumably flout the law and suffer only the scornful gazes of other students or the risk of a citizen’s arrest. However, there are those who believe that this is simply a precursor to moving towards a total ban. This is the direction that many other universities are moving in. Macquarie University, Queensland University and the University of Western Australia have heavily restricted the spaces where smokers can light up and are now moving towards a completely smoke-free campus. Adelaide University has banned the smoking of cigarettes entirely. Looking across the Pacific, we can see that 140 colleges in the United States have gone cold turkey. Aside from affecting smokers, the ban would also cause consequences for commercial outlets on campus selling cigarettes.

Vendors will need to comply with the concomitant ban on the sale of cigarettes, and risk losing significant revenue. The ban may also affect Manning and Hermann’s bars; smoking patrons could be deterred by the ban and seek a more smoker-friendly premise to inhabit. The reaction of students and staff at other universities has been largely mute, and it is likely that Sydney Uni would have the same experience. Quite understandably, Bull Magazine, found it difficult to find a student smoker who was willing to go on record defending their right to smoke. But, while it may be hard to gauge, there are widespread reservations about the ban. Posters have been popping up to counteract the positive spin the university is putting on the proposal. Recent graduate Jared Proudfoot, while not a smoker

himself, labels the proposal as “overkill”. "Banning ciggs just seems like another stab at smokers who already have it hard enough. I doubt it'll actually prevent students from smoking in any case,” he says. While some students supported the ban, many, including nonsmokers, feel that that it is yet a further imposition of the ‘nanny university’, a place where freedom of thought is supposed to prevail. The University is still reaching out for the opinions and feelings from students, via feedback forms on MyUni. Meanwhile, student groups are holding debates, discussions and petitions regarding the ban. This in mind, the ban is not guaranteed, but looking at the trends of other institutions, it might not be long before the cigarette drops it’s last ash on university soil. Perhaps in 10 years students will look back and marvel smoking was ever allowed at all.

HEALTH MATTERS As a medical student, it’s not surprising that our undergraduate student Fellow of Senate, Ben Veness, supports the push to ban cigarettes, which is aimed at helping students and staff quit smoking and avoid promoting social acceptance among ﬁrst-years. “As a leading Australian university, one of our considerations must be our responsibility to support the continued denormalisation of smoking, not just through our research, but through our actions. Compared to most other countries, Australia is doing well with smoking reduction, but despite this and wide-spread knowledge of the harms, smoking still contributes signiﬁcantly to the burden of disease in our community,” he says. “It would be embarrassingly dissonant if cigarettes were still being sold on campus when we

open our $385 million Centre for Obesity, Diabetes and Cardiovascular Disease. In the meantime, the more submissions we receive from supporters and opponents of the proposed policy, the better. I really hope to see a high level of engagement in this debate. It will be interesting to watch the progress of our many peers who have already committed to increased restrictions, playing catch-up with modern workplaces and the smoke-free primary and high school environments we all came from.”

OPENING NIGHT WITH

MAJOR RAISER RAPIDS ONLY THE SEA SLUGS BOATS OF BERLIN LOUIS LONDON POLAR KNIGHTS TIME 7PM-LATE DATE WED 31 AUGUST VENUE FESTIVAL TENT 18+ TIX $10 USU Members Access Desk TIX $15 Concession Access Desk TIX $20+bf www.oztix.com.au

31 AUGUST - 9 SEPTEMBER www.vergefestival.com

COME EXPLORE LORE

ISSUE 06 TRAVEL

COUNTRY LITHUANIA

Living Lithuania KIRA SPUCYS-TAHAR REVEALS HOW THIS EASTERN EUROPEAN GEM WILL SEDUCE YOU WITH ITS ECCENTRIC CHARM.

ou know a country isn’t part of the usual European tourist trail when the souvenir t-shirts proclaim: ‘Lithuania: Hmm, but where is it?’ Bold, daring and quirky, Lithuania is a tenacious little nation that fought a hard battle against the Soviet Union and won its independence just two decades ago. This country, with a lengthy and colourful history, and a population of just over three million, boasts some brilliant natural landscapes. There are numerous untouched freshwater lakes as well as lush forests, the World Heritage Listed Curonian Spit and a veritable menagerie of wildlife. Vilnius is the capital of Lithuania, a captivating mixture of old and new. With cobbled alleyways and towering skyscrapers, traditional artists’ workshops and modern department stores, the old town is beautiful and deﬁnitely worth exploring. Fashion in Vilnius mirrors much of the offbeat art.Young women wear enormously high stiletto heels, no matter the occasion, but stranger still is the trend of man-skirts. Decidedly masculine men are happy to don a skirt and their girlfriends don’t seem to mind, either.

Everyone should sample some of the traditional Lithuanian cuisine. Most famous is the Cepelinai (so-called because of its zeppelin-like shape), potato dumplings stuffed with meat or cheese. To wash it all down, the local beer Svyturis, is highly recommended. Most people in the metropolitan areas of Lithuania speak some English, especially young people. Most remarkable however, is the hybridisation of the language that has taken place. You can go shoppingas in your automobilus, and then you might head to lunch at a restoranas. In the evening you might go to a baras or perhaps a klubas where you might drink some champanas. Don’t be fooled though, proper Lithuanian is devilishly difﬁcult to learn. But regardless, on next Euro-trip make sure to stoppas by charming Lithuania.

TRAVEL

Hot Spots

GEDIMINAS HILL The old city of Vilnius was founded on Gediminas Hill in the 13th century. The fortiﬁcations of the Gediminas Castle once dominated the Hill but were destroyed during the Russian Occupation in the 1600s. Today there is a remnant Tower and museum, but the true beauty lies in the magniﬁcently picturesque views over the city.

CATHEDRAL SQUARE AND VILNIUS CATHEDRAL Located in the ‘Old Town’, walk around Cathedral Square where you’ll ﬁnd the Stebuklas, or ‘miracle tile’. The tile marks the end of an estimated two million-human chain which stretched through Estonia, Latvia and into Lithuania in 1989 as a protest against Soviet occupation. Superstition says if you stand on the tile, close your eyes, silently voice an aspiration and turn clockwise three times, your wish will come true.

GATES OF DAWN

ST ANNE’S CHURCH

One of the most holy locations in Lithuania, the 16th century Gates of Dawn also house a shrine to the Virgin Mary, a gift from Crimea by Grand Duke Algirdas in 1363. Elegantly decorated in baroque splendour, the Chapel of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the blackand-gold icon are thought to bring about miracles. Each day the faithful, rosary beads in hand, arrive to whisper prayers.

A highly unusual church, noteworthy for being arguably the most beautiful of the 30-plus churches in Vilnius, St Anne’s is a magniﬁcent example of 16th century gothic architecture. The graceful curves and pinnacles frame 33 varieties of red brick used in its construction. Local legend even says Napoleon found this church so beautiful he wanted to take it back to Paris in the palm of his hand.

FRANK ZAPPA MONUMENT Nothing speaks to the eccentric allure of Vilnius than its Frank Zappa monument. The American cult musician is immortalised in a bronze bust atop a large metal pole surrounded by grafﬁti. The story goes that in 1992, artists in the capital wanted to truly test their freedom after Lithuania had claimed independence from the USSR. They decided then, to erect a statue of Zappa in Vilnius despite the artist having zero links to the city or the country. The new government ofﬁcials approved and up it went.

BULL USUONLINE.COM FASHION

FASHION Fighting a Battle, Losing a War THE RETAIL GIANTS OF AUSTRALIA CONTINUE TO BATTLE AWAY, BUT ARE THEY FORGETTING THERE’S A BIGGER FOE THREATENING THEM BOTH? LOREN NILSSON REPORTS.

o far, 2011 has been a woeful year for Australian retailers. In the face of global economic crises, rising popularity in online shopping and general consumer apathy, it’s desperate times for retailers on the ground. The Sydney Morning Herald even went so far as to describe the current retail downturn as a permanent end to the golden age of local retailers.

On the retail battlefront, the ﬁght is certainly on between the old foes. Department store heavyweights David Jones and Myer have both reported dramatic losses in revenue, and the retail giants are responding by pulling out all the stops to desperately secure a share of the shrinking Australian market. Designer-poaching, celebrity ambassadors, 24-hour shopping and over-the-top runway shows are all part of the current chapter in the retail giants’ long-running feud. Each store is going all-out to be ‘bigger and better’ than their rival, but will their bold ploys actually reinvigorate down-and-out shoppers? The warring between the two department stores seems to have begun innocently enough. In the past 12 months, both Myer and David Jones have made big changes in the direction of their women’s fashion collections. Myer went aggressive, introducing up-market fashion

into its stores by supporting young and edgy Australian fashion labels and offering customers affordable budget designer lines such as Karen Walker’s ‘Hi There’ and ‘NF’ by Nicola Finetti. Myer then went for the jugular earlier this year, taking iconic Australian labels Sass & Bide and Fleur Wood right from David Jones. Still not satisﬁed, Myer also added a host of new designers to their store, including celebrity label ‘The Row’ by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Myer’s ﬂurry in the fashion section left their opponent reeling, but David Jones is now ready to go on the counter-offensive, with the additions of ‘fresh, newer Australian brands,’ including Carl Kapp, Megan Park, Therese Rawsthorne, Bassike and Lover. They also recently declared that they will be stocking 30 new labels, including international giants Pucci and Versace. The power of celebrity has also been a drawcard for both stores. Celebrity ambassadors have been carted around, out to convince the public that their stores aren’t in trouble. Aussie supermodel and sweetheart Miranda Kerr struts the runway for David Jones, while other homegrown beauty icons Jenifer Hawkins and Jess Hart represent Myer. Again taking the initiative, Myer offered up exclusive images of the runway looks online before the actual show, allowing online consumers to ‘shop the show’. Even so, compared to successful online retailers

such as ASOS, the interface of Myer’s online shopping site is somewhat archaic. David Jones have also made improvements to their operations, rolling out 24-hour shopping and a new slogan: ‘Was. Is. Always. - David Jones’. Their focus on ‘looking back’ and reinforcing their reputation as a long-standing prestigious retailer may come across a little stale and irrelevant to savvy, modern consumers that are more concerned with new fashion trends. Regardless, measures to revamp both department stores appear to be in vain. A recent online poll conducted by The Sydney Morning Herald showed that these new innovations put in place by David Jones and Myer have not succeeded in motivating shoppers to increase their visits to stores, with some 92 per cent of the polled people saying as much. As the cinema industry discovered during the rise of online downloads and DVDs, luring consumers away from the cheap and easy online marketplace is proving extremely difﬁcult. It seems that both retailers are so blinded by their own feud that they’ve forgotten the real ﬁght they’re up against is to adapt and survive in a changing market. The future of the Australian retail market is murky. The only thing clear is that the latest skirmish in the never-ending department store saga is doing little to turn the tide of the retail war.

ISSUE 06 FOOD & BOOZE

Culinary Quandary

FOOD & BOOZE

BEBE D’SOUZA SWALLOWS HER PRIDE AND TAKES A LOOK AT THE WORLD’S STRANGEST FOODS.

e've all had at least one rogue culinary experience. Whether it be that token snail eaten in Paris, or the contents of a Four'n'Twenty meat pie, it’s hard to ignore that some of the foods we eat are gross, grimy or simply bizarre. There are some truly odd dishes out there. While revered in their places of origin, to the unaccustomed they seem more like the gastronomical equivalent of S&M.

1. ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS Don’t be fooled by the ‘oyster’, this American specialty has only one thing in common with the luxury seafood: shape. Rocky Mountain Oysters (also known as Prairie Oysters) are the deep-fried testicles of a buffalo, bull or boar. Minimal preparation ensures the full ﬂavour of the testicle comes through, with only a light amount of ﬂour added for crispiness before frying. Rocky Mountain Oysters are commonly found in areas of Canada and the United States where cattle ranching is most prevalent. Though sometimes served with a cocktail sauce, this dish is probably not the best replacement for the traditional oyster aphrodisiac.

2. CASU MARZU

3. STUFFED CAMEL

4. FUGU

5. BALUT

Hailing from the Sardinian region of Italy, Casu Marzu is an exotic cheese infamous for the ﬂy larvae which sit inside it.Yes, maggots. The cheese is made from sheep’s milk, with the larvae fermenting the milk-fats to near decomposition. For the less adventurous, or the vegetarian, it is possible to brush away the baby bugs before eating, however be warned: your efforts may be thwarted by the spritely larvae, which can jump around 15cm in the air.

We’ve all heard someone pronounce their hunger by exaggerating that they could ‘eat a horse’.You could perhaps test their claims by presenting them with a traditional Bedouin stuffed camel. The dish itself involves stufﬁng a camel with a whole lamb, which is stuffed with chickens and the chickens stuffed with eggs. The recipe reads more like an extreme YouTube clip than an Arabic delicacy. The Guinness Book ofWorld Records rates it as the largest item on any menu in the world, but, unsurprisingly there are few accounts of the dish being prepared in recent times.

Fugu is the Japanese term for the poisonous pufferfish, served raw as sashimi. Popularised by a marginally-racist episode of The Simpsons, the fish contains the poison tetrodotoxin and if incorrectly prepared, can be lethal. Adding to the drama of the meal is the fact that only licensed chefs can prepare the dish in Japan, needing around three years training to qualify. Unfortunately the flavour is rumoured to be somewhat lacking, resulting in some chefs leaving a little poison on the meal to tingle the tastebuds.

Never has there been a more visually-confronting morsel than this Filipino street food. No list of odd or gag-inducing delicacies is complete without Balut - duck eggs that have been incubated until the foetus has begun to form and then boiled alive. Balut is served in the shells they were boiled in, and often the birds’ beaks and feathers have developed, adding to the texture. While disturbing to look at, by most accounts the dish is a rather tasty, ﬂavoursome blend of chicken and egg.

BULL USUONLINE.COM SPORT

SPORT Fistball, Anyone? MAX HALDEN TRAINS UP FOR THE NON-OLYMPIC OLYMPICS.

ith less than a year to go until the 2012 London Olympics, athletes around the world are already deep into the intense training and qualification process that precedes the biggest combined sporting event in the world. But what if you excel at a sport which isn’t represented at the Olympics? While all the future Olympians are busy qualifying, you’re stuck winning some esoteric world championship watched by fewer people than the MasterChef finale. Well fear not, because every four years since 1981, sports that are not contested at the Olympic Games have had their own international event held under the patronage of the International Olympic Committee, no less: the World Games. Think of the World Games as the ‘alternative’ sibling of the Summer and Winter Olympic Games. The next World Games (Columbia 2013) will feature 30 sports divided into six categories: Artistic and Dancing, Ball Sports, Strength Sports, Martial Arts, Precision Sports and Trend Sports. Some disciplines were once official Olympic sports, some hope to be, others are… unique. Looking at the Artistic and Dancing category, with sports such as aerobic gymnastics, you could be forgiven for thinking you’ve tuned into a bad 80s exercise video. Then there’s the tumbling gymnastics, where competitors hurl themselves down a 25-metre track completing

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Australia’s sports-fetish means we simply can’t resist having a crack. In the 2009 World Games, Australia sent 168 athletes to Taiwan, who returned with a decent 20 medals, including ﬁve golds (four for lifesaving, one for women’s orienteering).

a dizzying series of somersaults and flips. There is also DanceSport, where fake-tanned duos in leotards battle it out in Standard, Latin and Rock‘n’Roll styles. In the Ball Sports world, we’ll see a beach version of handball, rugby sevens, roller hockey, squash and racquetball. And now for something completely different: korfball, a mixed-gender sport vaguely resembling basketball, will have its eighth outing in 2013. But if you’re hoping for Aussie gold don’t hold your breath; Holland and Belgium have faced off in every final since its inception and the Belgians have lost each time… they just can’t catch a break. Rounding out the Ball Sports category are Fistball and Canoe Polo. I didn’t make them up. Google them. Strength Sports is much smaller in size category-wise but certainly not competitor-wise. Its feature event is the Tug of War, which was an Olympic Sport until 1920. Eight people stand on two sides of a rope and pull as hard as they can. No, there is no sack, three-legged or eggand-spoon racing held afterwards. Martial Arts contains many of the sports you may have already thought were in the Olympics. Karate, Wushu, Akido and Ju-jitsu are contested, as is the ancient art of Sumo wrestling. Now if they could just find a way to combine this with Tug of War… Precision Sports is home to sports you’ve most likely played to kill time with your friends. Cue sports are well represented with Billiards, Snooker and Pool, as are Boules Sports which includes the classic Australian pursuit of Lawn Bowls, and the sport that is just as fun to play as it is to pronounce, Pétanque. And if you can accurately hurl a seven kilogram ball approximately 900 times down a narrow plank of wood with over 90 per cent accuracy, I hear the Tenpin Bowling team is looking for a few more members. BYO ball. Last, but not least, are the more exciting Trend Sports. Sport Climbing has competitors

scrambling up huge walls as fast as humanly possible. Air Sports (aka ‘being good at jumping out of plane’) features both parachuting and skydiving disciplines. Orienteering tests who is the best person in the world at not getting lost and Ultimate Frisbee, Fin Swimming, Water-Skiing, Canoe Marathon and Speed Roller Skating are all also included. There’s even Lifesaving, which challenges competitors to save inanimate plastic moulds from carefully constructed scenarios both in open water and pools. Why some of these sports are considered ‘trendy’, though, is another mystery entirely. Before you dismiss the World Games as a farce, consider the participants. Small fanbases and negligible sponsorship money mean that almost all of the competitors are amateur or semi-professional athletes, who devote all their spare time to some pretty cool pursuits for the love of it. Just because the IOC deems horse dancing (or Equestrian as it’s ofﬁcially known) to be more prestigious than Artistic Rollerskating doesn’t mean we should have any less respect for its competitors. So, once the Olympic fever has subsided, hopefully I’ll see you in Columbia for the 2013 World Games. I, for one, want to ﬁnd out what the hell Fistball is…

ISSUE 06 SCIENCE & TECH

SCIENCE & TECH Changes in Gaming: Serious Relationships and Casual Affairs ROBERT NORTH ISN’T READY TO CALL IT GAME-OVER ON NARRATIVE GAMING.

elieve it or not, but your average gamer doesn’t simply get hooked on videogames because they enjoy the ﬂashy high-res graphics. No, the allure of modern videogames today lies in their increasingly sophisticated ability to tell a story. Call it a longing nostalgia for bedtime stories, but the best games are those that allow players to immerse themselves in a narrative rich in character. At least, they were.

The subject matter of games is no longer ‘rescue the princess from the baddy,’ or ‘save the world with a gun’; these days gamers enjoy multi-layered explorations of complex themes such as redemption, friendship, vengeance, and even love. But there is change afoot in the market. At last month’s gaming convention Develop in Brighton, a panel of industry designers and writers said games are to become shorter and shorter, and consequently, the abundance of narrative-focused games may be on the decline, making room for an -free, inﬂux of one-dimensional, commitment-free, ers ‘casual’ games. While veteran video-gamers rs of cling to their controllers, consuming hours ever-lengthening narratives, the developers they have long supported are responding to a rapidly changing market. So why the shortening in the gaming world’s attention span? Many say it all started ﬁve fateful years ago, when Nintendo rocked the gaming industry with the release of the Wii. This product, along with the handheld Nintendo DS, drastically broadened the gaming market by focusing on casual gaming titles and intuitive motion controls. The Wii introduced videogames to a non-typical gaming market - families, the elderly, and females. These ‘anyone can play’ games such as Wii Sports were fun, simple, and accessible and, importantly, could be played in short stints, in contrast to the lengthy, thumbcramping sessions required by mainstream games. The Wii’s immense success led to competitors Sony and Microsoft developing their own motion-control products to take a bite from the casual market pie - the Playstation

Move and Move Xbox Kinect. Xbox M hil the th Meanwhile, burgeoning scope of the gaming population has been further widened by the abundance of free and cheap gaming apps for smartphones and other portable devices. Rovio Mobile’s Angry Birds, a game enjoyed by those who don’t necessarily consider themselves ‘gamers’ has been downloaded more than 250 million times - nearly twice the population of Japan. Facebook has also proved to be an engenderer of casual gamers; look no further than Zynga’s staggeringly popular FarmVille. Not only are these applications inexpensive, but they’re available on platforms that attract a wide range of consumers due to their non-gaming interface. So where does this leave the traditional gaming world? Naturally, these developments have begun to undermine the proﬁts of many mainstream developers. On 12 August, due to poor sales, Nintendo enacted a worldwide price slash of its new portable 3DS console, released

only four months prior. The games giant attributes their sluggish sales to the abundance of these cheap mobile games. Nintendo are not alone. President of Epic Games (Gears of War series) Mike Capps voiced his concerns to IndustryGamers.com about competing with cheap game apps. Capps asked: “How do you sell someone a US$60 game that’s really worth it…When customers are used to paying 99 cents.” Significantly, Epic Games and other industry heavyweights, Ubisoft and Electronic Arts (having acquired PopCap Games) have begun developing more casual games for the app market. I took too ookk deca de ecades for the videogame to It decades ma atu ure r iits tss iimage mage fro m mature from being a plaything to a pi piec ecee o ec piece off media; from a toy to a form of ente en tert te rtai rt ain ai nment aas creative, sophisticated entertainment and an dm meaningf meaningful as film or music. While it’ss ccertainly not the end for narrative it’s gaming, tthe industry is turning its ga gaming, attentio attention to a growing market of ca casual gamers. Whether or not this proves to be to a significant step backwards for gamers enjoying the current, sublime state of mature, sophisticated narrative gaming is its o own story we’ll just have to pla play out – thumbs crossed.

BULL’S TOP 5 NARRATIVE GAMES 1. BioShock (2007) 2. Heavy Rain (2010) 3. LA Noire (2011) 4. Red Dead Redemption (2010) 5. Alan Wake (2010)

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ENTERTAINMENT They said what? PAUL KARP LOOKS AT PUBLIC DEBATING EVENTS AS INFORMATIVE ENTERTAINMENT

he term debating evokes images of school children fumbling their way through a wad of palm cards, the mantle of spokesperson for fundamental philosophical concepts like individual liberty as ill-ﬁtting as their comically oversized school blazers. But debating is not a childish school age extracurricular activity only: rather, debating is an informative entertainment option for engaged and opinionated citizens

INTELLIGENCE SQUARED Intelligence Squared (IQ²) Australia is based on the successful public debate program that began in London in 2002. Intelligence Squared is an annual series of provocative and informative live debates on the hot-button concerns of the day. Backed by the St James Ethics Centre, it aims to raise the level of public discourse on our most challenging issues. Intelligence Squared debates use the three-on-three format of schools debating with a question and answer section open to the public at the debate’s conclusion. The live audience votes on the motion both before and after hearing the arguments in order to gauge the success of the teams. Anecdotally, the negative team almost always improves their numbers after the debate, suggesting either that Tony Abbott is right (the answer is always no) or that people are more easily swayed by whoever they heard last. The University of Sydney hosted an IQ² debate on 16 August on the topic: ‘We need a nanny state’. The debate featured two of our own: former University of Sydney Union Debates Director and current Australasian

Championships Best Speaker, Eleanor Jones; and former USU President, Patrick Bateman. Speaking about her case in the debate, Eleanor said “When we were children, having a Nanny to stop us putting our ﬁngers in powerpoints seemed quite reasonable. As adults, the suggestion that we need the government to coddle us is a little more dubious. In opposing the idea of the Nanny State in the IQ² debate, we valiantly defend our right to make dumb decisions, to choose to increase our social cache through the odd cigarette and to donate our money to the House through slot machines.” Roll on the Big Macs and alcopops too, while you're at it!

FESTIVAL OF DANGEROUS IDEAS Coming up in the ﬁrst week of October is the Festival of Dangerous Ideas, hosted at the Sydney Opera House. And it’s exactly as it says on the box – a collection of talks, debates and discussions on intentionally controversial and provocative topics. The festival attracts the who’s-who of divisive discourse; this year none other than Julian Assange, Cheryl Kernot, Michael Kirby, David Marr, and Philip Nitschke will take to the microphone. On the ﬁre-stoking agenda are topics such as ‘that the media have no morals’, ‘that all women are sluts’ and ‘that society is broken’. If those topics sound a touch absolutist it's because speakers at the festival are briefed to take their ideas just beyond the limits of convention in order to bring the audience with them rather than leave them in their comfort zones. And of course, what’s an opinion-fest without world politics. Democracy and revolution will be a major theme this year; several speakers will discuss Arab Spring and Western democracies' foreign policy. Challenging, stimulating and borderline seditious? You bet!

TELEVISION Yes, the ‘idiot box’ does actually televise a decent number of debate-based programs that aim to both entertain and inform. One of the more successful is the ABC's Q&A, which features a rotating panel of ﬁve experts grilled with questions from the live audience and from

home. Tony Jones, the silver fox, moderates and plays devil's advocate with the guests, while viewers at home furiously tweet and text their opinions of the quality of answers in real time. The secret of Q&A’s popularity is real public interaction: we, the great unwashed, ask the questions and the experts answer them. It’s often very personal involvement and one that portrays the true diversity of a policy’s effect, previous episodes have seen a gambling addict asking about poker machine reform, and an ex-military hard-man asking about why his gay son can't get married. And yes, if judgmental tweets aren't enough you can always throw your shoes. More recently, Channel Ten has aped the format with its new show Can ofWorms, hosted as it is by Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickson who is joined by three guests on the program. It focuses less on national politics and more on everyday, but includes equally divisive, questions such as ‘Is porn a normal, healthy part of adult life?’ or ‘Is marriage necessary anymore?’

TO SUMMARISE… But do all these debates add up to anything more than just argument? “Public debate is a great way to chart bright lines,” said Eleanor Jones. “Although it’s often a frustrating conversational tactic, two sides interrogating one question from two extremes is often the most effective and interesting way of forming a consistent consensus.” Maybe, like the school children practising this oratorical art, they won't solve all the world’s problems in a few speeches. But entertaining and engaging the audience will be the ﬁrst step.

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REVIEWS CD KILLING THE DARLINGS PEARL AND THE BEARD

DVD BREAKING BAD AMC

FILM THE TREE OF LIFE TERRENCE MALIK

Pearl and the Beard’s live performances, especially their folk rendition of Will Smith’s greatest hits, have captured the imagination of Brooklyn and online music followers. The members hail from different parts of America, which shows in their eclectic harmony. Jocelyn Mackenzie (percussion, glockenspiel) is a bubbly songbird with a powerhouse jazz voice. Emily Hope Price (cello) produces a thicker, more ethereal sound. Lastly, guitarist Jeremy Styles, the only male and presumably ‘the beard’ sings with incredible range, from deep, gravelly, angst-filled roars to sweet, soaring, angelic tones. Killing the Darlings is dark, diverse and theatrical, but still retains their playful spirit. Particularly palatable is the contrast between ‘Hot Volcano’ and ‘Swimming’, where the listener is transported from an occult virginsacrifice-by-fire to leisurely floating on a Venetian canal in one skip. Their premier track ‘Reverend’ meanwhile combines barn music and pseudo-Christian religiosity with a unique Native American flavour and mysticism. Pearl and the Beard are a blend of brilliance and musical tomfoolery. Mumford and Sons with a dash of Regina Spektor and a sprinkle of Esperanza. Definitely one to look out for.

Ever wondered what it would be like if Hal, the dad from Malcom in the Middle became a high school teacher turned methamphetamine manufacturer? Well, award-winning series Breaking Bad is just for you. Walter White (Bryan Cranston) is a mildmannered high school Chemistry teacher who is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and abruptly decides to enter the drug trade in order to provide for his family. Don’t let the seemingly depressing premise deter you from what is one of the most exceptional, yet surprisingly underrated series on television. Tip-toeing back and forth on the proverbial line of morality and decency, White is somewhat of an anti-hero. We understand, if not approve of his drastic actions, but continue to root for him despite the sometimes devastating effects. Breaking Bad offers a fascinating, yet undeniably bleak and potentially confronting look at a slice of the American lifestyle. It’s intense, unpredictable and sustains blood-curdling tension with ruthless effect, keeping you glued. It’s driven by unwaveringly clever and realistic scripts; brought to life by the outstanding ensemble cast; and presented brilliantly with inspired direction and cinematography. Simply put: it’s insanely addictive.

The Tree of Life has been dubbed everything from genius, to pretentious, to completely abysmal. After two viewings, I still can’t say that I’m sure of which of these titles it deserves. The film begins with a somewhat simple, comprehensible plot; following the anniversary of the death of his younger brother, Jack (Sean Penn) recalls his 1950s childhood, under his abusive, tyrannical father (Brad Pitt) and loving mother (Jessica Chastain). The plot is interrupted, however by cinema’s most extreme-ever flashback; all the way back to the Big Bang. And so begins the history of the Earth that ends in ‘the present’. It is obvious, then, that this film is far from simple, and requires a real understanding of both cinema and philosophy, particularly existentialism. It’s reasonable, therefore, that many will find Tree of Life to be quite inaccessible. But like Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey proved, a difficult film does not mean a terrible film, and anyone with a pair of functioning eyeballs should be able to recognise this as a beautiful piece of art and a bold, original project. If you’re looking for something light-hearted and funny, give this one a miss, but anyone with an interest for film should definitely check this one out.

LAWRENCE MUSKITTA

GRACE O’NEILL MELANIE JAYNE

FILM HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART II DAVID YATES

Okay, straight to the point: I loved it. Maybe we can put that down to the two bottles of wine my friend and I consumed. Maybe we can put it down to the quality directing that you can expect from David Yates and the Harry Potter team. Yes the ending was cheesy, yes the victory of Harry and his henchmen was a given. But, and this is a royal ‘but’ here, it was in 3D and it was British. And that made the film so much sweeter than any Hollywood mumbojumbo that would have been produced. British authenticity and attention to detail is the promise of the franchise. For example, look at the early part of the film; it’s all horror and melancholy. The films have been relatively tame so far, but this is terrifying at times. If a child under eight watched this, they would be afraid to crap by themselves Thankfully in the face of the hype, the director delivered an entertaining, edge-of-your-seat movie experience. Potterhead or not, this is authentic old-school entertainment. Go enjoy yourself, don’t be pretentious and pretend you’re above it. It’s a great time. It’s why cinemas were invented.

LUCY SWINNEN

ISSUE 06 REVIEWS

Bear Grylls: Worst Case Scenario Discovery Channel BRENDAN DAY It seemed like the perfect marriage: Bear Grylls, the 21st century’s Douglas Mawson, presenting Worst Case Scenario, a TV show based on the eponymous card game and books. As Grylls’ celebrity rises, it only made sense for him to continue to further blur the line between adventurous and self-endangering. One episode into WCS however, it quickly became evident that it appropriated the worst elements of Man vsWild to create one unbelievable, illogical, and at times ridiculous show. Episode one presented two scenarios. The ﬁrst was the aftermath of a serious car crash. For narrative’s sake Grylls, driving a sports utility vehicle, was conscious and coherent whilst the driver of a large truck was out cold. In minutes, Grylls kicks out his car’s side window, breaks into truck, saves the man from smoke asphyxiation, fashions a knife out of the rearview mirror to slice his seatbelt undone, and drags the man to safety just in time to watch the truck explode. The heroism is slightly undone, however, by some sloppy editing and hard-to-believe claims.

Discovery Channel

For instance Grylls chooses the mirror to make his knife, as it is ‘razor-sharp’, yet he wields it bare-handed without drawing a even a drop of blood. While the intent is to demonstrate Grylls’ resourcefulness; it was hard not to think only that his hands are made of the toughest leather, and perhaps his brain - ever heard of unbuckling the seatbelt, Bear? The premise to the second scenario was almost comedic. Grylls stands idly by a lake, when suddenly (!) a jet-skier collides with a man in a small boat. Some unbelievable acting from Bear demonstrates how much this random accident has blindsided him – well, until they cut to a shot of him fully-dressed in wetsuit and

ﬁns. Of course, he saves the endangered men and shows what we should do in this worst case scenario, but the fact nags: Bear Grylls wasn’t even in the accident, which kind of defeats the very premise of the program. Critics of Man vsWild’s quasi-constructed nature will ﬁnd WCS an easy target. It’s too transparently obvious in parts that there is no real danger present to anyone. However, Grylls is an endearing host as always, and though he treats each scenario with the utmost of importance, the strain of the increasing amount of acting he has to do is beginning to show. The worst case scenario for this show? Continuing to position Grylls as a superhero.

Last Man in Tower is Aravind Adiga’s attempt to prove that he is not a one trick pony. His first novel, TheWhite Tiger, won him the 2008 Man Booker Prize, but his next book Between the Assassinations came and went without much notice. The novel is set in a residential tower in Mumbai sandwiched between the city’s domestic airport and a large slum. A wealthy developer by the name of Shah offers a hefty sum to the residents to empty their flats, but the residents of Tower A are a tough nut to crack. Each have their own reasons to stay however absurd they appear to be. But Shah is determined and one by one they fall, as Shah uses the extensive resources that money offers as bait to lure the fish until only the staunch Yogesh Murthy stands. He absolutely refuses to leave due to an attachment to the flat that money can’t buy. But that’s as clear a distinction between good and evil that you get in the novel. Last Man in Tower is a pessimist’s delight. Adiga brings a certain level of cruelty in humour that is

reminiscent of Bierce. For example – “You know a community by the luxuries it can live without. Those in Vishram dispense with the most basic: self-deception”. Last Man in Tower will most certainly bring the cynic in you to the fore. Every character (and there is a large assortment of them) in the book comes alive with a fierce tenacity. Each and every character is properly fleshed out, be it the lazy secretary Kothari, or the Puri couple with a teenage son diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome. Adiga is firm in his assessment that modern man lives in an era where God is indeed dead. All characters have their limitations and rather than conquer them, they are consumed by their limitations and dictated by their fears. Adiga points his shotgun with biting social commentary with an ample dose of black humour. If you can familiarise yourself with the extensive Indian colloquialism, sensibilities and social structures, you will be rewarded with a complex and compelling piece of literature.

BOOK

Last Man in Tower Aravind Adiga VIRAT NEHRU

ISSUE 06 MINDGAMES

CROSSWORD 1

8 9

12 13 14 15

SUDOKU 21

9 7 5 4 3 8 6 5 1 3 2 4 7 2 1 9 2 9 7 4 9 3 3 5 6 6 8

Across

Down

ACROSS

DOWN

01 03 09 10 11 12 13 15 17 18 19 20 21 22

01 02 04 05 06 07 08 14 16 18

Catherine ___ : British comedienne (4) Went up (8) Necessity (7) Fishing net (5) Spot (3) Remnant (5) Enjoyment (5) Bog plant (5) Faith (5) Belonging to him (3) Brown earth pigment (5) Plausible (7) Royal countries (8) Fitness centres (4)

Astonished (13) Taut (5) Fashions (6) Installation of a monarch (12) Dallied (anag) (7) Loveliness (13) Not ofﬁcially recognised (12) Whiskey (7) Pronouncement (6) Pastime (5)

CALCUDOKU 13+

WORD PYRAMID Degenerate

10x 5-

Ripped 2-

Aquatic mammal 11+

Craftsman who makes ceramics Object

2÷

90x 3+

Shields from harm 7+

12x

Observer

MINDGAMES

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ISSUE 06 THE BULL PEN

THE BULL PEN What type of student are you? MIRANDA SMITH (HANDED THIS ARTICLE IN THREE DAYS LATE). (AND LOST SIX MARKS.)

s the ﬁrst waves of assessment break upon us, sit back and let us determine how successful your semester will be with this typical uni scenario…

YOU KNOW THE DRILL: 2,500 WORDS DUE IN THREE DAYS – READER AS YET UNREAD, LECTURES AS YET UNLECTOPIA-ED (IT’S A REAL WORD). WITH 72 HOURS UNTIL THE CRUNCH, IT’S TIME TO… A) Cowboy up and write this essay! After all, it makes more sense to do the work now so you have more time for fun things later; fun things like going to the beach, roller-blading and trolling teh interwebs. B) Take a nap.You’ll probably feel more inclined to write the essay once wellrested. It’s also important to work in a tidy environment – after the nap, you’d better clean your room. Try to make a pair of all the socks in your sock drawer. It might take a while but you’ll recoup the time lost when next you’re in a hurry and really need a pair of socks. Or, like, 50 pairs of socks. C) Make a start … on season ﬁve of TheWest Wing! It is, after all, an educational television show and you’ll probably be able to pick up some notes for the essay. Equatorial Kundu is a country… right? YOUR 50-HOUR WEST WING MARATHON HAD FRIED YOUR LAPTOP’S MOTHERBOARD. IT HAS ALSO FRIED YOUR BRAIN. LACKING A FUNCTIONING WORD PROCESSOR AND THE CEREBRAL CAPACITY TO RECALL ANY WORD THAT ISN’T EITHER MONO OR DISYLLABIC, YOU SEE NO OPTION BUT TO… A) Pull an all-nighter and hand-write this bitch! Nothing’s coming between you and an HD this semester. (‘HD’, coincidently, is what people call you behind your back. Not because you get good grades, but because you’re a Hella Douche.) B) Write the essay.You’re pressed without the computer, but screw ﬁnding the correct stationery; you decide to make do with whatever’s nearest. That is, you’ll be writing this thing with a (biro/Chapstick/ disused sparkler) on a (piece of paper/old

Cornflakes box/toddler). Good luck stapling your cover-sheet to a three-year-old! C) Hand-write the essay. Not, however, before consuming twelve Red Bulls. A hospitalisation might look very nice when applying for extensions. YOU WAKE AT YOUR DESK. THE LABOUR OF YOUR NIGHT’S TOIL, YOUR HAND-WRITTEN ESSAY, IS ILLEGIBLE. ITS INK HAS RUN – APPARENTLY YOU’VE SALIVATED OVER THE ESSAY WHILE NAPPING. (EITHER THAT OR YOU’VE BEEN WEEPING IN YOUR SLEEP AGAIN!) ANNOYED, YOU … A) Recall that last night you had prepared a second copy of the essay for this sort of unforeseeable disaster. Segue over to your back-pack where you’ll find the replacement essay sitting neatly in your folder. Pat yourself on the back, nerd. B) Re-write the intro and then hand in the rest of the wetted essay.You’ve heard that tutors never read beyond the first paragraph anyway. C) Find yourself a newspaper and turn to the obituaries. As you have a common surname, the odds of your finding a recently deceased ‘relative’ seem stacked in your favour. Cut out the appropriate obituary and give it to your tutor, claiming that you’ve taken time out from your studies to attend the funeral. Thanks and God bless ‘Grandma/Grandpa’ Smith! You have profited from the (un) timely demise of an octogenarian: you are reprehensible. Fortunately, the lie pays off and you get your extension. After two days you turn in a half-way decent essay and get a really good mark. A promising career in Law/Politics awaits you. (Note: His last name wasn’t Smith… and we definitely do not recommend the morally-bankrupt practice of scamming time from a recently departed namesake.)

FINAL MARKS MOSTLY A’S: TALL POPPY Congratulations, poindexter. Your commitment to academics is commendable… though, perhaps, a little selﬁsh? Next semester, do the social thing and throw a unit or two; failure to do so and you risk having your shins hacked off by the screaming, unintelligent, struggleto-scrape-a-Pass proletariat. As happens to all Tall Poppies. MOSTLY B’S: LA-Z BOY We’ve all been there: citing Wikipedia, sleeping through exams, skipping lectures (to write articles for those slave-drivers at Bull Magazine!) An approach to your studies that’s as unadvisable as it feels unavoidable – you’re lazy! It’s who you are! It’s not your fault, it’s… genetics or something? Guess again, dum-dum! It’s high time that you got your drug-addled head out of the clouds and into your readings. MOSTLY C’S: HAVEN’T WE MET? The idea that someone like you might walk the Earth is very frightening: a thought compounded by the knowledge that ALL THE C GROUP ANSWERS WERE TAKEN FROM FIRST-HAND ANECDOTAL ACCOUNTS OF REAL-LIFE EVENTS...Yes, really, honestly, a real-life guy actually really got away with the obituary thing at this very institution. Really.

BULL USUONLINE.COM CAUGHT ON CAMPUS SHOW YOURSELF, WALLY!

AT NOON, WE SHALL STORM THE MEXICAN FOOD TENT!

WASSUP, WASABI?!

JEWELLERY? WE GOTS JEWELLERY!

BREAKDANCING OR STREET FIGHTER? DAMMIT, BALLOON STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER. YOU CAN’T EVEN READ; YOU’RE A BALLOON.

PHOTOS BY SHER ALI KHAN

03 AUGUST 2011 RE-O DAY AND INTERNATIONAL FOOD FAIR

he weather was welcomingly warm for students returning to campus for round 2 of this university year. Eastern Avenue was ﬂooded with hungry students, GOZLEME GOD! devouring a ﬂavour-fest of international foods, joining Clubs and busting out at the silent disco. It was a bite-sized, tasty morsel of O-Week in August.

CAUGHT ON CAMPUS HONG KONG CLUB HUDDLE!

TOMMY SAUCE FTW!

BONJOUR, AIMEZ-VOUS DU FROMAGE?

PHOTOBOMB! IT’S THE WRAPPED-TURE!

Clubs & cieties o SAWA AAWARDS WARDS W WAR WARD AARDS RRDS DDSS NOMIN NOMINATI NOMINAT NOMINA N NOMINATIONS NOMINATIO OOMI MINAT ATIOONS NSS

SUBMIT YOUR APPLICATION TO THE C&S OFFICE NO LATER THAN 5PM, FRIDAY 16TH SEPTEMBER 2011

NOMINATION FORMS AVAILABLE AT C&S OFFICE OR VIA ORION ONLINE

For more information please contact clubsandsocs@usu.usyd.edu.au or visit usuonline.com

THE HOLIDAYS RAPIDS UNCONTAINABLEINSTALLATION ART GUINEAFOWL MAJOR RAISER HARRY POTTER TRIVIA GREG FLEET JON DORE MANNING BIRTHDAY FETISH FREQUENCY TOM LOUD BAND COMP FINAL LASER-MAZE PARTY HERMES LAUNCH THEATRESPORTS速 PLAYS @ WINE CELLAR HIGH TEA STORY CLUB + MORE

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