THE TOPICS. News from the block heads

To the Residents of Morbid Meadows, Greetings, neighbors! We at the Morbid Meadows Home Owners Association, or MM HOA, on occasion like to report on what’s happening in our little neighborhood nestled between the International Creosote Plant and Toxic Bayou. First, let us set the record straight. The fed eral government has not – re peat not – recently designated Morbid Meadows as a disaster area. That was done in 1997 and remains in effect. FEMA says help is on the way. Speaking of FEMA, for those who asked, Hurricane Harvey was the third 500-year storm in three years, but this is not year 3523.

We need to get some housekeeping out of the way. Deadline for paying your $50 annual dues was Jan 1. That means this year. The 60 percent of residents who have not paid will be ostracized at the next street party. Incidentally, the 2023 street party has been postponed until damages from the 2022 party are completed. The board has rescinded its order that no homes should be at least three feet from their neighbor’s house. But using your next-door neighbor’s wall as your own is frowned upon. On that subject, we all know that “good fences make good neighbors,” but electrified barbed wire is still prohibited. There have been some complaints about loud noises, so please keep any screaming and domestic violence to daylight hours. For those residents – and you know who you are – outhouses are no longer in fashion. The U.S. Postal Service reports it will resume service whenever the pit bulls with rabies are locked up or our postal deliverer recuperates,

Lynn Ashby Columnist

cable goes out. Charlie Wombat reports his Chevrolet Silverado pickup truck was stolen from his front yard. Thieves even took the blocks it had been on since Y2K. Mark Mudflaps says someone stole his sequined purse, but he is not complaining since it clashed with his Hells Angels leather jacket. A Peeping Tom was reported by Magna Jo Flywheel. She wants to meet him in person. Someone stole Gladys Dandruff’s 34 pink flamingoes decorating her front yard. Crime Stoppers is offering a $5 reward.

We all know the story of two retirees who fed ducks in a community in Cypress. The couple was sued by their home owners association. If they are found in violation and cannot pay the duck bill, so to speak, the fine could be up to $250,000, and they may lose their home. Morbid Meadows used to have this problem but no more, thanks to Eric Panda’s Lots o’ Ducks BBQ food truck. JoEllen Jo-Ellen proudly reports that her son, Snake, is fighting in Ukraine “to preserve liberty and freedom for all.” His unit is called the Wagner Mercenaries. Whoever shot down balloon Number 45-78-T, please return it to NOAA. It cost

$5.6 million.

Yard signs are encouraged as a citizens’ right to free speech.

Those “Trump and Stormy Daniels in 2024” signs are fine. We applaud “Abbott & Patrick –Who Needs the 21st Century?”

So is the anonymous “This Is where the Critical Race Theory Goes to Die” painted on the door of our local Aaron Burr Elementary School. But someone tore down Mark Frisbees’ sign:

“Don’t Beware of Dog – Beware of Owner’s Two Friends – Smith & Wesson.” We have also noticed several tractors and abandoned U-Hauls around the neighborhood with interesting bumper stickers. “Ask Me About My Rash” is one. “Give the NRA Your Best Shot” works for us. So does Herbert Mildews’ “I Don’t Brake For Wokes.” But the MMHOA board draws the line on “Hang Mike Pence” and bumper stickers showing a buffalo head and horns with “Make January 6th a National Holiday.” A motion to prohibit “Honk If You Hate” stickers died for lack of a second.

More news from our neighbors: Frank and Maggie Cumquat are proud to announce that their daughter, PeggySue, has been voted Miss Most Available at the Pampa Shepherd & Horseshoe Farrier Community College. Unfortunately, PeggySue won’t be able to serve due to her unexpected pregnancy.

We all like to get cozy with our police, but joining the 100 Club is beyond the financial ability of most residents. However, we do have the Take a Truncheon to Luncheon program whereby a neighbor can buy some only slightly damaged fruit from the loading dock at the local H-E-B for our local law enforcement of-