cl magazine by Chelsey Brislawn

DO’S & DON’TS FOR SELLING CRAP

FAT BASTARD TO A GOOD HOME

FreeTrade

Unicycle Lawnmowers, stupid clocks and pink plastic flamingos.

SightSeeing Everybody poops... in public places?

HaikuHotel random musings without meaning.

MARCH 2009 MARCH 2009

EVERYTHING YOU LOVE ABOUT CRAIGSLIST. GET YOUR DAILY DOSE OF FREE JUNK, MORONIC RANTS, CRAZY STORIES AND CHEAP FINDS

Do’s & Don’ts

for selling crap on craigslist, how to not be a fucking idiot online.

Fat Bastard

free to a good home... extreme cat-lovers only!

34 Your mom

Having the sex sexy talk with your mom.

WTF

Petrified Racoon Unicycle lawnmower Stupid clock Pink Plastic Flamingos

OMG

Everybody Poops... sightings in public places. Haiku Hotel Rants and Raves

FYI

You need this info. More info, MORE!

FYA

Desperate personals Battle Royale ROFL

CL on the DL

Get down craigslist style. Everything you ever wanted to know about cl, but were too stupid to ask.

MARCH 2009

photogr aph by Chelsey Br islawn

d e i f i r t e P n

o o c ra

$50 Y es, it’s somehow petrified. Found in

r acoon photos from www.cr aigslist.com

a crawlspace. Feels like paper mache. No odor at all. Still even has some wiskers! Pretty cool.

MARCH 2009

Stupid clock

with day, month and date read out.

I bought this stupid clock on E-Bay for my 86year old aunt, because she is getting confused. U n f o r t u n a t e l y, I d i d n’t r e a l i z e u n t i l i t a r r i v e d that you have to manually change ever ything, e v e r y d a y, e x c e p t t h e t i m e . E v e r y d a y. P u s h t h r e e b u t t o n s . I f y o u f o r g e t f o r a d a y, o r o n l y p u s h two buttons, the large, black and white read-out that is so easy to read, is wrong. I found it made her even more confused. If the stupid clock said something, she believed it. I would call her up and tell her what day it is and she would argue with me, because her stupid clock said something different. Stupid clock. I bought her a new o n e t h a t a u t o m a t i c a l l y c h a n g e s e v e r y d a y. T h i s stupid, batter y operated clock is free to whome v e r w a n t s i t . Yo u w i l l f i n d i t e a s i e r t o w o r k i n harmony with it if you are a fairly cognizant person. On the other hand, if you are not always c o g n i z a n t a n d w a n t t o d r i v e y o u r f a m i l y c r a z y, t h i s i s t h e P ER F E C T c l o c k f o r y o u .

[ ] DuckMask

Fu l l h e a d r u b b e r m a s k , o l d , h a s d i s c o l o r a t i o n o n white feather part from age, storage. Hey I got i t o n m y b i g h e a d , s o i t w o r k s t h a t w a y.

PINKPLASTIC LAWNFLAMINGOS

Unicycle Lawnmower

L ooking for a more out of the box way to e x c e r s i z e ? B e t h e c o o l e s t g u y o n y o u r s t r e e t c u t t i n g t h e l a w n w i t h t h i s b a d b o y. Yo u c a n save gas and get those rock hard abs you a l w a y s w a n t e d . T h i s b i k e w i l l c u t y o u r g r a s s t o emaculate conditions! It comes stock with this excentric two-tone seat. The rust on the mower gives it an antique look that will have the cat l a d y n e x t d o o r g o i n g w i l d f o r y o u r l o i n s . Fo r Te n e x t r a d o l l a r s I c a n t h r o w i n a b a s k e t a n d headlight. Is your kid bouncing off the walls? I’ ll even throw in some training wheels so you can put that bastard to work. This model is a t h r e e s p e e d s o y o u c a n r e a l l y t e a r i t u p. D o y o u r neighbor kids have an annoying bike ramp in t h e s t r e e t s a l l t h e t i m e ? We l l s n a g t h a t s u c k e r and set it up infront of your trees, this badmother will easily catch 6-7 feet of air allowing you to trim those troubling branches, as well as demolishing the ramp into oblivion so those d a m n k i d s w o n’t b e g a t h e r i n g i n f r o n t o f y o u r house to practice for the x- games. Comes with your choice of 12/40 oz beer holder that doubles a s a n a s h t r a y.

Three pink plastic lawn flamingos, the momma, the daddy and two babies. In good shape except the momma has a bullet hole. W ill trade for a good dog or weed e a t e r, w i l l a l s o consider any kind of alcohol as long a s i t a i n’t b e e n o p e n e d u p.

MARCH 2009

photos from www.cr aigslist.com

u k i a H

pooping or who I saw b h g ei n y m To esterday... w i t h y o u r in his yard y down

“ H e y, couched s. I asked I saw you our ankle y d as n w u y o l r pants a Yo u r r e p doing?”. ad u e o r y I e ! r e a l what ndhog ho ck the i in a grou r t g n o i t p e o s o “P ’s s u p p o mal online. It other ani about it inking an h t o t re a n i u g o o y h ce ground l a i r. ” S i n rom f i n t o i t ’s d d e e n v i o a r m f has rson I re a sane pe normally . e police calling th

miceku

dashes across floor the thrown shoe barely miss es, small shits in cupboard ~ba itsth etr ap

Hitchcock

I mean, come on!

It was like 50 paces to the nearest restroom! I sat there in my car wondering what the hell you were up to - you spent at least 2 minutes scurr ying around your parked c a r, l o o k i n g t o s e e i f t h e c o a s t w a s c l e a r. I t h o u g h t y o u w e r e g o i n g t o, l i k e , b r e a k i n t o s o m e o n e e l s e ’s c a r o r s o m e t h i n g . T h e n I g u e s s e d y o u t h o u g h t y o u w e r e “s a f e ” a n d h u r r i e d t o t h e f r o n t o f y o u r c a r, n e a r t h e third level stair well, dropped your pants, s q u a t t e d a n d W EN T T O I T !

~pu kind og

Unhappy Posters should.... start a new forum like haiku motel or haiku brothel ~EL _Tro ll

Broom, Hm

after a two-timing conversat ion a condom falls to the floor from his hand ~My Amo urBu tton s

no d umping phot o from ww w.bar domusic .com, hote l p hoto fr om www.sxc .hu, lined pap er and car dboard from www.diviantar t.com

The girl who took a dump in the Art Institute parking lot!

There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation

Fo r C h r i s t ’s s a k e , w o m a n ! A l l t h e t i m e y o u spent looking out for passing cars so no one would see you crapping like a dog in public, you could have hustled your laz y ass downs t a i r s a n d i n t o t h e b u i l d i n g a n d U S ED T H E DA M N ED R E S T R O O M !

Sheesh! A n y w a y - i f y o u ’r e f r e e l a t e r, d r o p m e a l i n e . I was never more turned on in my life..

MARCH 2009

Illu

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els

Br ey

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n o p a r c g ellin

do people just turn into fucking idiots online? ou’re selling y t a h w t, s e n o h Let’s be r 2 reasons: fo g in ll e s e ’r u o y it,

u know lling is crap, yo 1. What you’re se d of it. y want to get ri and desperatel money. 2. You need the

oth reasons are fine, but there are too many people going about it w rong, so I’ve put together this nice list of faq’s for you to help you in your journey. Q: Why aren’t people leaping out the door to buy my upholstered 1980’s sofa for $900? A: Cuz most people aren’t f uc king stupid. 1980’s isn’t vintage yet (despite what VH1 wants you to belie ve) and no fool is paying 900 buc ks for a sofa with 1 1/2 armrests, a g iant hole in the midd le, and br ight green f abric with ketchup stains on it. T ime to move that bad boy on to the free s ection of CL. Get it out of your house now. It ’s embarrassing. H opefull y you dont have people over. S hame on you! Q: My postings been up ever y day for 7 months. Why hasn’t it sold? I’m asking a good price and tell people that I can email them a pic upon request? A: People are too fuc king laz y. One of CL’s best features is browsing. W ho the hell wants to take the time to email you to ask for a picture? Have you SEEN some of the stuff up for sale? P lus you look like a douche for not posting the pic in the first place. You can’t tell people you have a pic and not put it up. Retard. Q: My furniture is all new, but I have to sell it quick because I’m moving to the other side of the countr y. Why isn’t my stuff selling fast? A: Because you can’t post an ugl y ass dining room set up for 2000 firm that you “originall y spent 4000 on 3 months ago” and expect to get it. W hy should I have to pay for your h orr ible taste in furniture? You bought it. 10

MARCH 2009

L ower your pr ice to 500 and thank your luc ky stars you’re getting that. Oh. And when you move into your ne w place on the other side of the countr y- H I RE A F UCKI NG D ECORATOR . You shouldn’t be allowed to buy your own furniture any more-unless you plan on keeping it for life.

ground in the pics you post? W hat is the matter with you people? We’re looking to buy furniture yeah, but we ’re not fuc king homeless. Q: I have a beautiful and elegant entertainment center up, but no one has emailed or called me about it. Why?

Q: I bought a new desk for my computer so I’m selling my old one. Why is no one buying it? A: Bec ause you’re asking for $275 for a VENEER desk! W hat are you craz y? It ’s not e ven real wood! Tr y 50 and you may get a fe w bites. Hell I c an go to Walmar t and buy a brand ne w veneer desk for 40 buc ks. Come on. Q: Oh yeah smart ass? My desk is made out of oak and no one will buy it for $325. Answer me that one. A: L ook at your pic of the desk again. I T ’S FROM T H E 70’s! Just bec ause it ’s real wood doesn’t make up for the fact that I T ’S F UCKI NG UGLY. You might get $100 from some poor sap if you’re luc ky. Q: My bedroom set has been s itting in my garage for 5 months. I’m asking a reasonable price. How come no one will buy it?

A: Oh for the love of god. If there’s one problem that has been t roubling poor poor CL for the longest time... ABUSE OF ADJECT IVES. Tr y looking up the meaning to the words you put in your descr iption. If they don’t match your item, D ON’T PU T I T I N T H E AD! How many times have I fuc king seen the words “ Elegant ” “ Unique ” “ Beautiful” “ Gorgeous” “ Modern” “S pectacular ” and “Custom”posted in ads that just aren’t tr ue? I ’ ll tell you. 198,983 times. Here ’s what these words reall y mean when you see them on CL:

{ }

A: Chances are if it ’s been sitting in your garage for 5 months it ’s p robabl y not smelling ver y nice-especiall y if it ’s a mattress. Would you want to put your face down on that now? Mark it down to half of what you’re asking and you may get your garage bac k...for things a garage is supposed to be used for...like parking c ars. AND STOP PU T T I NG F URNI T URE I N T H E GARAGE! O r outside for that matter. W ho the hell wants to buy a couch or mattress that ’s outside l y ing on the

Elegant ≈ fucking old. Unique ≈ fucking ugly. Beautiful ≈ if I was blind. Gorgeous ≈ seller is on crack. Moder n ≈ probably from the late 1980’s to mid 1990’s. Spectacular ≈ overeagerness to unload obvious peice of shit. Custom ≈ so fucking ugly there’s only one in the world thank god.

Generall y- just tr y to pr ice your items more reasonabl y. You’re not getting over 1000 for a couch- unless it ’s new and made of leather. You’re not getting 3 grand for your bedroom set-unless it also fuc king makes you pancakes. You’re not getting 500 for a cheap ass enter tainment center that can be bought ne w at a store for cheaper. L et it go. S top being a tight ass. Tr y using pr ices that someone may actuall y pay.

from best of

craigslist

e h t of

: k e we

MJ&Blanket

Action Figure

rating: totally awsome Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d buy it seller is wacked dumpster donation

MARCH 2009