Create a Culture of Belonging

JENTRIE HALES community advocate, @techhealthyfamily

My earliest memory of not belonging was on the playground in kindergarten. The 6-yearold ‘popular’ girls had cute clothes, matching scrunchies, and way poofier bangs than me and made it clear that I wasn’t welcome to play “cheerleaders” with them. I still remember that deep sense of shame and longing to be accepted even as a little girl. Thankfully, I have now found my people and none of them fluff their bangs.

Brene Brown, a vulnerability researcher, gives this definition of belonging in her book, Atlas of the Heart: “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness.”

According to Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, belonging is high on the list of things we all desperately need to thrive in life. It comes only after basic physical needs and safety, and is absolutely non-negotiable to our happiness. In fact, our deep desire to belong is so hard wired, that we undoubtedly will find counterfeit versions of this by molding ourselves to fit in with the crowd.

In my journey to learn more about true belonging versus fitting in, I asked some close friends and family what the two looked and felt like to them. Here is a collection of our answers: • Fitting in forces YOU to change. You chip away pieces of yourself to fit a certain mold until someday you no longer recognize the person staring back at you. Belonging is accepting all the parts of you. It feels like a warm hug. The people and relationships that make you feel like you belong will never encourage you to be anything but your true self. • Fitting in feels more like being comfortable in a group where belonging feels like you are part of a family with a shared bond and connection. • Fitting in is like squeezing into a stiff pair of jeans that are a size too small. Belonging is adjusting your clothes to fit you and embrace your beautiful self as is.

However wonderful it feels to belong somewhere, it is not a passive thing. It takes work, nurturing, and ongoing vulnerability. So how do we teach our kids and family to find true belonging in their lives? For starters, we help them know what it feels like in their own home. Some ways to do this include: 1. Love your child because of their infinite worth not because of their accomplishments. The more we only value outcomes the more they might believe their worth is conditional. Say things like, “I love exactly who you are” and

“I am already proud of you.” 2. Give them the courage to feel all feelings and emotions, even the unpleasant ones. Belonging that asks us to betray ourselves is not true belonging. When we say things to our kids like “you’re fine,” we are telling them that their feelings and true self aren’t welcome here. Model sharing your feelings often. “I am feeling overwhelmed right now, I am going to take a few breaths to feel better.” 3. Encourage them to develop interests and passions that they enjoy. Help them to try and learn new things. Make sure they know that you value their interests by taking time to engage with them. If your child loves Legos, sit down on the floor with them and let them teach you about creating. If your child is into video games, join their team and learn how to play the game.

As much as we would like, we cannot control how our child feels at school, or with their peers. We CAN however, foster a feeling of love and connection when they are with us. Giving your child a sense of belonging with you will undoubtedly be a fierce protector and example as they navigate belonging in their own lives.

Jentrie Hales is a community advocate with five years’ experience empowering parents and children in different settings. She has been invited into classrooms, youth groups, and parent groups throughout the Cache Valley to speak about healthy relationships with tech and professionally mentors families that feel overwhelmed with managing the tech in their home. You can follow her on Instagram at @techhealthyfam or email her at techheatlhyfam@gmail.com.