Dealing with Difficult People

It's What Great Community Managers Do Best

By David F. Feingold, Esq.

Over the last 30 years, I have had the privilege of watching countless community managers in action and have concluded that the one attribute they share is their ability to deal with difficult people. This article will summarize the expansive free speech rights held by community members, provide resources to help identify the types of difficult personalities and, in turn, how to deal with each type. It will also provide tools that can be used to address what seems to be a growing lack of civility in how community members communicate.

Understanding The Right To Free Speech

It is important for all managers to understand that community members, including directors, have a right to speak their minds. While managers also have free speech rights, the great ones understand that they can best serve their communities (and stay out of trouble) by being a conduit and not a lightning rod.

Community associations are deemed to be quasi-governmental entities, and the free speech rights of interested parties must be respected in the same way elected public officials must suffer the slings and arrows directed at them from disgruntled citizens. Over the years, the Davis Stirling Act and California courts have become increasingly tolerant of speech that is rude, belligerent, obnoxious, and even false. The rise of email as a primary form of speech has added to the problem, as it is far too easy to hide behind a keyboard and say things that would never be said face to face.

There are situations where speech will cross the line, and action is appropriate and necessary. Speech is not protected if it involves a threat of harm or a course of conduct that seriously alarms, annoys, or harasses, which serves no legitimate purpose and causes substantial emotional distress. Speech can also become discriminatory if it is focused on the target’s membership in a protected class, for example, their race, religion, familial status, or disability.

If you suspect that the line has been crossed, consult the association’s counsel before acting. Far too often, action is taken in response to an exercise of free speech rights, and that action is then used against the association as further evidence of its disrespect for the rights of its members.

Identify The Types Of Difficult People And Select The Best Approach

There are many resources that are helpful in identifying conflict communication styles (yours and others) and the optimal approach for each style. The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) is a well-known tool that describes the main conflict-handling styles in two categories: assertiveness and cooperativeness.

If the TKI is too esoteric, I highly recommend a book titled – quite aptly – “Since Strangling Isn’t an Option” by Sandra Crowe. Crowe also identifies difficult personalities in two major categories, aggressive and passive, but uses helpful animal analogies for each type. For example, there are Apes (loud and rude), Hyenas (annoying and noisy), Bees (sarcastic and tend to sting), Owls (know it all’s), and Lizards (complainers).

For each type, there is a tried-and-true response. For example, when dealing with a hostile Ape, acting like a hostile Ape yourself is never the right approach. Be assertive but never aggressive. Take the time to listen and let them vent, then focus on solutions. Owls are making up for their own insecurity, so instead of immediately contradicting their perspective, actively listen, acknowledge it, and then inquire whether they have considered additional information or resources that may be more relevant.

Tools to Consider

For any community dealing with a lack of civility, there are tools that great managers use to address the problem. A good approach is to address the lack of civility as a board or community issue. For example, if there are directors who are targeting other directors (or the manager) with uncivil behavior, consider proposing that the board adopt or revise a director Code of Conduct. The exercise of discussing and adopting such a code allows the problem to be addressed without calling out that director personally.

If there are members that are the source of hostile and critical speech targeted at neighbors, directors, or the manager, consider proposing a non-binding but aspirational Civility Code for the community. Again, the exercise of discussing and adopting such a code can shed light on uncivil behavior without calling out the individual directly and tends to dampen the enthusiasm for rude and aggressive speech. Use the internal dispute resolution (IDR) process freely – give the member a place to vent and be heard. Consider appointing a community dispute resolution committee made up of independent community members who are adept at resolving disputes. Such a committee can serve as another community resource and a place for members to be heard.

Good managers understand that dealing with difficult people is part of the work. Great community managers understand that dealing with difficult people is not only part of the work but also a rewarding part of the work. They take the modifier “community” in community manager seriously and understand that they are managing a community, a group of complex individuals, and not merely a collection of structures and facilities. If you’re a manager, choose to be a great one!

David F. Feingold, Esq., is a partner at the law firm of Ragghianti Freitas LLP and has represented common interest developments in the Bay area since 1986.