The Pendulum Of Emotion: Complaining vs. Frenetic Positivity

How to cultivate authentic happiness in yourself, your team and your company for the survival of our industry

BY CLINT McCLURE, CAMEx, CCAM

On a daily basis, managers are confronted with two opposing realities: the negative, upset, complaining landscape of humanity versus the fanatic proponents of positive thinking. Somewhere in between these two sides is an idyllic world of happiness – happiness in our workplace, for our clients and most importantly, for

THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I ourselves. Can happiness exist for IT BECOMES A HABIT. The more FEEL LIKE THE TROLL UNDER THE community managers? Do we need we practice complaining, the better we BRIDGE. “Everything is terrible and ruby slippers and pixie dust to get get at it, and it becomes a habit. you can’t convince me otherwise!” At some of my first jobs, in my younger years, when I was frustrated with my boss I was guilty of complaining. I there? Let’s evaluate each side of the pendulum and discuss the tools that are needed to find the WHAT WE FOCUS ON EXPANDS and we end up with what we focus on this is the idea of conformation bias. According to Scott Plous, complained to my co-workers, did happiness at the core. “Conformation bias is a tendency to my job, went to school and repeated. search for or interpret new information While I could have complained to him in a way that confirms one’s directly, I didn’t and I am not sure if it would have helped. I do preconceptions and avoid information and interpretations which know that my complaining to my co-workers, while a good way to contradict prior beliefs.” (1) Therefore, constantly complaining will relate to them in the moment, did not improve my situation one make you see everything in a negative way because the subconscious bit. mind will make new observations fit in with the old ones.

As managers talking to clients, members, homeowners, and board members, the negative conversations stand out even amongst IT KILLS HOPE AND INNOVATION. If everything is all bad and the nicest and most kind interactions. We take this job personally, getting worse, no one will have the energy or determination to go and those negative inputs are hard to shake. These lingering feelings against the norm. can ripple into other facets of our lives, our co-workers’ lives and, IN THE LAND OF POSITIVITY there are two yellow brick ultimately, company culture. Chronic complaining is immensely roads: positive psychology (the branch of psychology that makes destructive, justified or not, and it is fundamentally toxic and can people thrive and feel happy) and positive thinking (the banning make a team or company a terrible place to work. of negative thinking, stating that in every situation you can choose

COMPLAINING OFTEN MAKES THINGS LOOK WORSE THAN your own mood and reactions to be positive). While both share the THEY REALLY ARE, being that it is oftentimes only one person’s root goal of encouraging people to be happier, the reality is that perspective regarding frustrations, aggravations and problems that “positive thinking” is a simplistic version of the complex positive they perceive. psychology movement and often results in feelings of shame,

IT TAKES ON A LIFE OF ITS OWN. When void of a real College calls it, “the tyranny of the positive attitude.” Even in cases dialogue with the opposing party, the complaint takes on a life of of profound loss, Held says, people are supposed to get over their its own, validating the complainer. When work is 80% good and sadness within weeks, if not sooner. “The TPA has two component 20% bad, the 20% is given most of your time, therefore the 20% blame and guilt. Barbara Held, a psychology professor at Bowdoin can feel worse than it is in reality. Continued on page 38

parts: first, you feel bad about whatever pain has come your way, then you are made to feel guilty or defective if you can’t be grateful for what you do have, move forward [or] focus on the positives. This is the double punch, and it’s the second part that does the most serious damage.” Face it – problems, sadness, insecurity, anger, frustration – these are normal human emotions, often-helpful ones that drive for progress and change. The “Fake it until we make it” idea and pretending only leads to bigger insecurities, what if’s and doubt.

This idea of shining it on is not always unfounded. We do have the ability to adjust our perspective and in many situations it is helpful. An example would be when you are stuck in morning traffic. One could change their mindset from frustration and anger to a more positive perspective such as, “Great, now I have more time to listen to music.” Loosely applied “positive thinking” can help. On the other hand, the fanatic claiming that you can always change your thinking in all situations, and that external circumstances are irrelevant decreases productiveness, trust and happiness. When applied in this nature, the person’s feelings are trivialized.

So, what do we do? Can we remain authentic to the problems and challenges we face and convert that energy into a spirit of productivity and purpose?

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START WITH EMPATHY AND ALLOW MEASURED

VULNERABILITY. Listening and connecting to where someone is coming from is a vital part of humanity. If you have a hard time seeing someone’s side and forgiving, ask yourself – have you ever made an exception? This process is the bridge of acknowledgement to making a situation more positive and eventually proactive.

DON’T ALWAYS FAKE YOUR EMOTIONS AT WORK. Being authentic is a good thing. Sometimes frustration is valuable and conveys the authentic feeling behind the words that are said.

BE IN CHARGE OF YOURSELF. When your circumstances illicit a negative response, recognize there is nothing wrong with being unhappy. Unhappiness is not a character failing; in fact, feeling bad can promote action. It is up to us how and when we decide to change our attitudes, all while being respectful of the circumstances presented.

HAVE FUN – FIND A SIMPLE RITUAL. Kids laugh an average of 200 times a day, whereas adults may only laugh five times a day. Laughing changes our internal hormones and breaks the subconscious mind from focusing on the negative. Kids and animals help us feel and remember the lightness and fun inside ourselves. Find a simple ritual that allows you to have fun. On stressful days, I often listen to stand-up comedy to let myself laugh. Prime yourself to be happy: have fun, trust, respect, show interest, move your body and calm your mind. We all know it and hear it, but moving our bodies is not just about physical health. When we move, including dancing, jumping, skipping – just moving changes our biochemistry and allows for our mind to increase focus and release anxiety. Making time to calm your mind via active meditation (anything where you are 100% focused on what you are doing) or visual meditation (auditory or visual scenes allowing you to focus on one thing) for even ten minutes a day is shown to increase focus and have calming effects for three hours after the meditation. Allowing quality time for yourself is a foundation of self-happiness. Just check out any of the free visual meditation apps on your phones.

As in any industry, we are being called to the option to shift – shift our conversations, perspectives and goals. This is bigger than you and me. We as a collective, both association managers and management companies, must set a priority for what we want to see improve in our industry rather than just maximizing profits. We must commit to increasing happiness for ourselves, our customers and our community the world over. In between complaining and frenetic positivity is a place of vulnerable, authentic positivity, where we can acknowledge where we are and help each other convert to a proactive culture. This is psychologically sustainable for our people, and it will cause a ripple, raising the entire industry and how it reflects throughout society. It starts with us.

1. Plous, Scott (1993), The Psychology of Judgment and Decision Making, p. 233 Clint McClure, CAMEx, CCAM, is president and CEO of MMI-McClure Management Inc.