5 minute read
Rules of Civility
By Scott Swinton
I joined a site walk with several board members recently. You know the mix: a quiet gentleman, a small busy lady who likes to reach out and touch your arm while she talks, and a she-wolf. The busy lady would quietly roll her eyes while the shewolf snarled and snapped. The gentleman would wince and attempt to move the conversation along. The vendors/victims were properly chastised and limped quietly away with tails tucked.
Justice had been served, of course. The vendors had sinned, and sins must be punished. The whole scenario was, in a way, barbaric. Even in reconsidering the events of that day, I wonder if we, the bystanders, were complicit or wise to stand back and observe incivility from a distance. And even more humbling, how often have I been, to some degree, the one on the attack?
You’ve been the victim too. Wolves come snarling into board meetings, virtual conferences, site walks, and even your own office. They take the form of managers, board members, vendors, and mail clerks. Some of them you know to avoid, others take you completely by surprise stripping off lamb’s wool to go for your jugular, and some days, it’s you!
Is a decline in basic civility trending? Many say it is and blame COVID’s forced isolation, social media, solar radiation, political leaders, or a decline in religious fervor. Probably some of those are indeed to blame, possibly all of them to some degree or another.
Are we too touchy, or are we too rude? In recent conversations, I’ve gotten both opinions. “People just need to loosen up and not take life so seriously,” argued some. “Rude arrogant behavior is unacceptable and is becoming way too commonplace,” rejoined others.
And is it surprising that we don’t see eye to eye? We come from different socioeconomic backgrounds, different cultures, different races, and the true north of our moral compasses don’t always align.
We are the authority on the portion of an issue which we feel we understand. They don’t, but we do understand. When another questions our authority, it stings. Clearly, they are wrong, right?
Maybe, but a moment of humility would demand that we recognize that they didn’t come to the conversation with the intent to offend our paradigm. No, rather, they came just as we did, firmly believing that they held a good, just, honorable, and logical position on the issue. Or maybe, just maybe, they’re actually a reasonable person just having a bad day.
So, what is the formula for civility? I think Ruth Bader Ginsburg was getting warm when she said, “you can disagree without being disagreeable.”
First, let’s not assume we understand the other point of view. Or, let me say it another way. We don’t understand the other point of view. Are they obnoxious? They probably think the same of me.
I won’t bring them any closer to understanding my position by confirming their preconception. Offer them the courtesy of a listening ear. We’ll be the better for it even if they never reciprocate. At least, understanding their position will make our arguments sounder in the next debate. That exercise alone is a basic building block for civility.
Second, do no harm. Humor on the internet and television is a little better than what was once rightfully relegated to bumper stickers. As a society, sarcasm, put-downs, and criticism have been unfortunately elevated to humor.
If humor has been hijacked by sarcasm and criticism, is it any wonder that reasonable argument and debate has been hijacked by the same? In a disagreement, don’t use them. Whether the criticized person is present or not, sarcastic comments only make one look small and never solve problems. Sarcasm is only an auger to dig a hole deeper, never a ladder out.
Third, be sure we understand our position as well as we think we do. This author has changed his mind after a few minutes of research countless times. Of course, my position has been reinforced with a bit of research too, but either way, I was armed to the best of my ability, with truth.
Finally, have a bad day once in a while. Take note of how we treated others while we were a mess and then give the next guy who’s messing with your good day a break. He may have bad days too.
Then, on the good days, model civility and kindness in difficult situations. Demonstration is among the greatest of teachers. Hope is not lost. We don’t need to be a Ghandi or Wilberforce and seek to change an empire. We can be kindness and grace in our own circles.
Can we learn to love our neighbors? In the words of G.K. Chesterton, “the Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.”
Scott Swinton
Scott Swinton is the General Contractor and Certified Construction Manager at Unlimited Property Services, Inc.
