Welcome To Just A Minute by Nicholas Parsons by Canongate

‘T

hey shouldn’t have women on the show!’ This often repeated anguished cry from Kenneth Williams was first uttered during a broadcast of 12 October 1971, when the actress Andree Melly challenged Clement Freud for hesitating on the subject of ‘Surprises’. Clement had been relating the rather bizarre tale of how he had been surprised when a listener to the show bequeathed him the mineral rights beneath the crown bowling green at Rotherham. Kenneth was clearly engrossed in Clement’s extraordinary story and was outraged when Andree pressed her buzzer. Kenneth: I was loving it! I was getting quite worked up about that bit! I was enjoying it! You cut us off! Should never have had women on the show! It’s all wrong! [BI G LAUGH] The audience reacted with great delight to the explosive outrage, Kenneth knew he was on to something and a catchphrase was born. From then on Kenneth was more than happy to call on this favourite line whenever the opportunity arose, as in this exchange with Andree in the following week’s show as she began speaking on the first subject ‘Playing with My Yo-yo’. Peter Jones and Clement Freud are also on the panel. Andree: My yo-yo is small and golden and furry and I keep it in a little box in the pantry. BUZZ Nicholas: Kenneth Williams, you’ve challenged. Why? 95

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Kenneth: Oh, I’m so bored !!! Awfully boring! Gold and fur! Nicholas: Well, obviously you’re not a yo-yo … Kenneth: What a load of rubbish! We know it’s all lies! Deviation I say. Nicholas: Well, I’m sorry. As bored as you may be, Kenneth, you’re obviously not a yo-yo fan. I disagree with your challenge so Andree keeps the subject, she gains another point and there are nine seconds, Andree, for ‘Playing with My Yo-yo’, starting now. Andree: A charming little hamster, delightful company … BUZZ Nicholas: Kenneth Williams, why have you challenged? Kenneth: First of all we had a description, when she’s supposed to be playing with it. And now we’re getting hamsters!! What’s it got to do with playing with yo-yos? It’s deviation and you know it! Nicholas: All right, she’s gone on to hamsters, away from yo-yos … Andree: But that’s its name! Nicholas: What? Andree: ‘Yo-yo’! Kenneth: The subject is playing with it, not the names of hamsters, dear! [ BIG LAUGH ] Nicholas: Actually I do see her point. She was going to tell us … Kenneth: You may see her point, but I certainly don’t !! We should never have had women on the show in the first place! Ludicrous!!! [ H UGE LAUGH ] Such is the impact of the phrase that later in the same show Clement joins in. Kenneth: It’s that Andree Melly jumping on people before they’ve even had a chance! Peter: Yes, quite! 96

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Kenneth: We should never have women … Clement: We oughtn’t to have women on the show! Peter: It’s got nothing to do with being a woman! Clement: Or men! [ BIG LAUGH] A week later Kenneth was at it again, with Andree once more in the firing line for challenging Kenneth. On this occasion Kenneth chose to add even more hilarity by supplementing his routine with a classic from one of his Carry On films. Kenneth: [ SHOU TING AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE] How dare you!!! Nicholas: Sit down! Kenneth: It’s disgraceful!! What behaviour! Nicholas: Sit down! Kenneth: We should never have had women on the show! Nicholas: Her first challenge was an incorrect one because it didn’t make sense within the rules of the game … Kenneth: Yes, it’s infamy! It’s infamy! Yes! Nicholas: So you have another point, Kenneth … Kenneth: She’s got it in for me! [HUGE AUD IENCE LAUGH] All this was great fun, and certainly did not unsettle Andree. She, like everyone else, knew it was merely part of Kenneth’s act and did not represent any genuine feelings of antipathy towards women. This was abundantly clear even during the show in which his famous phrase made its first appearance. Having already pronounced his supposed opinion on women panellists, Kenneth then cleverly twisted his own words following an excellent challenge from Andree while Clement spoke on ‘Coconuts’. Clement: Sitting in a pool in Rio de Janeiro the other week, I was amazed to find that coconuts are … BUZZ Nicholas: Andree Melly, you’ve challenged, why? 97

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Andree: He’s showing off. [ BIG AUD IENCE LAUGH] Kenneth: ’Course he is! Absolutely! You’re absolutely right! I thought that, Andree! Very good having women on the show, isn’t it! [M ORE LAUGHTE R, W ITH CL EMENT LAUGHING LO U D EST ] Very good! Astute! Intelligent girl! While he enjoyed comically berating the fairer sex, Kenneth was also often generous in his praise of female guests. When Geraldine Jones cleverly won a round with some sharp thinking, for instance, he burst into effusive congratulations. ‘I thought she was really wonderful! Isn’t that wonderful! Yes, and more power to your elbow, darling!’ One female guest with whom Kenneth socialised was the comedy actress Betty Marsden. They had worked together on the radio shows Beyond Our Ken and Round the Horne. Betty was a talented actress and revue artist, skilled at voices and impersonations (she used to perform wonderful routines mimicking TV personality and cook Fanny Cradock), who appeared in four Just a Minute shows. The final one was broadcast on 28 January 1968, during which Kenneth must have loved Betty’s audacity in slipping a touch of Polari into the show. Polari is British theatre slang used by the gay community, and a form of speech Kenneth knew well – he too had utilised it on radio, during his Julian and Sandy sketches on Round the Horne. When Betty used a couple of Polari words while speaking on the subject of ‘Slang’, Kenneth would have enjoyed the joke immensely, I have no doubt. Betty: You see, and your eeks [faces] are shining and your lallies [legs] are weak by the time you’ve pushed down all this scrumpy. And the whole thing is a language understood only by deep friends of yours to whom you’ve written small notes in this particular language. No, Kenneth certainly did not have any real issues with women appearing on Just a Minute, although I did sometimes detect a certain 98

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edge to his scathing outbursts when aimed at one female panellist in particular, Aimi MacDonald. With the return of Derek Nimmo for our third series, a pattern was established which would remain in place up to Series 6, in which three regular male panellists were joined by a female guest. The majority of women who appeared on Just a Minute in those first few series – with the notable exception of Geraldine Jones – were known to Ian Messiter from appearances on one of his other radio shows – the discussion programme Petticoat Line and the panel game Many a Slip. Some of these performers only joined us for a handful of appearances, but three in particular were to establish long and successful associations with our show – Andree Melly (54 appearances), Sheila Hancock (92 and counting) and Aimi MacDonald (34). Aimi was a talented and likeable performer who had begun her show business career as a dancer and musical artist. She first came to wide public attention in the satirical television series At Last the 1948 Show, which featured a stellar cast of John Cleese, Marty Feldman, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graham Chapman, with Aimi sending herself up playing the natural dumb blonde to great effect. With her high-pitched voice, infectious giggle, charm and seeming vulnerability (all of which she had also portrayed during her stints on Petticoat Line) Ian was clearly drawn to Aimi as a perfect foil for the combative men on Just a Minute. Aimi worked out very well on the show, just being herself, but as she became more of a regular guest during the early 1970s, I believe Kenneth initially found her persona irritating. Aimi would greatly enjoy flapping and fluffing, mishearing and misunderstanding, which regularly drew laughter and applause from the audience. I am not sure Aimi always understood exactly why. In this example from November 1975 Peter Jones is speaking first on the subject of ‘Gorillas’. Peter: Well, there are various types of gorillas. There’s the eyelevel griller and the infra-red griller. 99

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BUZZ Nicholas: Aimi MacDonald has challenged. Aimi: We-ll. I mean. He’s talking about an oven. [LAUGHTER FRO M AUDIEN CE ] What does that have to do with a gorilla? Peter: Oh, well, I’ll change the whole tack altogether. There were two gorillas walking along Regent Street. [HUGE LAU G HTE R F ROM AUDIEN CE AN D PANE L ] And one said to the other, ‘It doesn’t seem like a Tuesday, does it?’ ‘No,’ replied the other. ‘There are not many people about.’ [BI G AUD IENCE LAU G H ]

Derek Nimmo then challenges Peter and takes the subject over. Derek: Well, today we can have urban guerrillas, and presumably rural guerrillas as well! They’re all over the place, shooting around and causing disturbances, standing outside … BUZZ Nicholas: Aimi MacDonald has challenged. Aimi: That’s just not true, is it? Nicholas: Yes, but he’s taken the word ‘guerrillas’ in the sense of people who fight, underground fighters. Aimi: Oh, of course! Oh, I’m sorry. [STARTS TO LAUGH] Nicholas: I know it’s spelled differently. G-U-E-R-R- … Aimi: Oh, yes. Aaah, yes. Nicholas: … -I-L-L-A-S. But it’s pronounced the same and it’s the way it’s pronounced that you take it. Aimi: Is it … ? [ AI M I CONTIN UES LAUGHING AT HER G EN U INE CON F USION , W ITH THE AUD IENCE LAUGHING A LO N G W ITH HE R] During this classic show from March 1976, Clement is speaking on ‘Epicureanism’, a subject that also confuses Aimi considerably. Clement: An epicureanism is in fact the science, or following if you like, of happiness as opposed to the absence of pain which 100

Published in Great Britain in 2014 by Canongate Books Ltd, 14 High Street, Edinburgh eh1 1te www.canongate.tv 1 Copyright © Nicholas Parsons, 2014 Edited by David Wilson Design by James Alexander at Jade Design Contribution on p. 81 © 2014, Gyles Brandreth Contribution on p. 211 © 2014, Jenny Eclair Contribution on p. 284 © 2014, Graham Norton Contribution on p. 369 © 2014, Sue Perkins The moral right of the author has been asserted By arrangement with the BBC The BBC logo is a trade mark of the British Broadcasting Corporation and is used under licence BBC logo © BBC 1996 Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders and obtain their permission for the use of copyright material. The BBC and the publisher apologise for any errors or omissions and would be grateful if notified of any corrections that should be incorporated in future reprints or editions of this book. British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available on request from the British Library isbn 978 1 78211 247 1 Printed and bound in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc