Canta 18 by Canta magazine

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UCA* are now recruiting for our 2015 residential assistant team. Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for fun, energetic and motivated employees who want to make and create a fantastic 2015 in our villages! If this sounds like you email hr@clv.co.nz for an application pack. *This also includes WaitÄ kiri Village & Waimairi Village RA recruitment

CANTA / 20/08/2014 / ISSUE 18

CONTENTS 12 04

Letters to the Editor

14 16

Feature: US Presidents 8 Bizarre Facts Cool Story, Bro

UCSAaaaaay

Meet the Locals

Reviews

College News

Flat Profile

You Had To Be There

{ Contents }

Opinion

24 26

So Hot Right Now

28 29 30

Third Drawer Down

Feature: Scripted Love Wasson?! Puzzle Time

I got into this to improve the students’ lot. To make their life a little easier. A little better. And I like to think, over the years, I’ve been able to do that. -Steve Jukes

Outgoing UCSA Services Manager, former UCSA President, and Modern Family fanboy.

WHO TO BLAME This week we are pointing the blame at:

the UCSA

Because, hey, we wanted to get in on that action too. If the late Steven Jukes has taught us anything, it’s that obscure 90s movie references are a great way to pass the time. And, perhaps more pertinently, that the UCSA should never be scared of a little criticism. Yes, the good old University of Canterbury Students’ Association tends to cop a bit of flak from time to time. And that will never High Commander Greg Stubbings GFX Design Emily McCormick Editor-at-large Hannah Herchenbach Sales Exec Victoria Lean

change. Nor should it! Stick the boot in all you like. Lampoon them. Make nasty MySpace pages. Badmouth them to your mum. Come at them, bro. At the end of the day, it’s your association. Canta’s only real suggestion is this: if you honestly want to see change (rather than just getting a virtual hand shandy from your like-minded chums) then the doors to the UCSA are always open. At least during office hours. And as Steve was the only one that ever bit anybody – now he’s going, you’re pretty safe on that count. Staff Writers Callum Ching, Annalee Jones Contributors Broke Stocker, Hope, Panar Kaminski, Jessica Pullar, Grace Cabell, William Foster, Yorick, Creepy Dave, Liz the cleaning lady, Holly Faulkner Non-Contributors Kip Clere (Where’s our Red Bull?)

canta@canta.co.nz

{ LTTE }

Letters to the Editor

NOT WITTY, JUST MAD Dear SHS,

Dear Canta,

You come across as a very sane, tolerant, reasonable person.

I’m not witty, I’m just mad. People are gaming in the first floor Psychology department computers. Now, I understand that not everyone can afford a computer. I understand that people like to take a break from the labours that can be studying. And I certainly understand the value of a good game. But come on! Be respectful and keep your damn volume down, and at least consider how fucking annoying your insistent clicking can be (and on a personal level, perhaps it’s time to leave behind the shitty flash games). But this isn’t even the worst part! These 6 or so people have the audacity to go outside the Psychology building and smoke! But since they don’t have after hours access to the building they have to block the door from closing which causes the corridor to become a hall of second hand fumes. Since when did UC go back to allowing smoking on campus?

That’s your problem right there. You need to channel your inner douche bag. We suggest bingewatching Steven Seagal movies. The poor quality of acting, glaring plot holes, and excessive displays of ponytail are enough to make the Dalai Lama punch Mother Theresa in the balls.

Sincerely, Second hand smoker

LET OF TER T WE HE EK!

Of particular interest to me are the “babes-in-arms” reporters, most of them barely out of Journalism school, who wax long and lyrical about what will and will not happen on Election Day September 20th. Poppets, please: once you have had a few Elections (and decades) under your belts, please feel free to call on your experiential evidence of Electoral history, and make your predictions about the upcoming Election based on historical outcomes, as opposed to wishful thinking and guessing. Credibility as a media reporter is founded first and foremost on balance, fairness, and impartiality, not enthusiasm, ideology, and breathless predictions. Otherwise, while you and your mentors as members the media may choose to collectively bathe in your political bias, we as voters will decide for ourselves to ignore you, and determine who shines and who doesn’t, the evidence for which will be encapsulated on September 20th, 2014. Breathe through the nose, little ones - there is still 6 weeks of campaigning to go, and the Conservative Party of New Zealand are heading in one direction - into Parliament. Dear Definitely Not Colin (we’re calling you that so nobody gets confused), We feel we brought this on ourselves by printing a certain picture of Colin Craig in a previous issue.

{ Canta 2014 }

Canta would like to invite BibleSoc to answer this letter. Please don’t smite us. - CANTA P.S. But seriously, please don’t smite us. God, I hate Russell Brand

Later on, Steven fully round-housed this panda

I continue to be both amused and bemused by some media commentators regarding their collective railing against the Conservative Party of New Zealand.

- CANTA

Lovely to promote thinking about issues, but I can assume most people don’t wan’t to see this shit drawn on the ground. Keep it to yourselves, its 2014 and nobody cares about your book anymore.

- CANTA

WE SWEAR IT’S NOT FROM COLIN CRAIG

So we’re going to print it again.

I don’t whinge about much, and I’m not usually PC by any measure. But the biblesoc chalk messages scribbled all over campus are fucking rude. “Is god a homophobe?” is no different to saying “Does god think black people are inferior?” or “Does god dislike women? Come and see us at our brainwash session at Bentleys”.

To help fuel your inner dickhead, we’re going to give you five free coffees. Pick them up from the UCSA office. Just bear in mind that we’ll deny any involvement if security comes segwaying after us.

If you want to game, don’t be a dick. If you want to smoke, the very least you could do is walk far away enough from the building that you don’t kill the rest of us. I’m going to start calling security from now on.

HE’S GOING TO H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS

SIMBA GOES TO BADLANDS. FINDS NO WIFI. Dear Tech Guys, I love bringing my tablet or laptop with me to uni and being able to use them in lectures or in the library to work on my increasing pile of essays and assignments. However, these marvellous devices do not work nearly as well when the internet decides to have a nap every five minutes and disconnect! What is with the patchy internet? Or does Eduroam have a vendetta against me and me alone?? I would expect that the one place that you are absolutely guaranteed to get excellent wifi coverage would be the main library. But if I want to study with my friends and occasionally talk, I have to give up my wifi privileges because the second floor has THE patchiest coverage on campus. Make up your mind, are going to give me internet or not? I don’t want to have to Lion King my phone or laptop every time I need the internet! Sincerely, Peeved off Dear Peeved, If it’s any consolation (and it’s not) we get shit WiFi over in the Canta office too. It sucks. Sure, we’ve got the old Commodore64 wired into the network – but our PornHub subscription only works on our phones. We’ll ask the IT guys about it for you. Chances are they’ll just tell you what they told us: stick to RedTube. -CANTA

{ LTTE }

LETTERS POLICY All letters to Canta must come from your UC email address and must be in by Friday morning.

letters@canta.co.nz

LET OF TER T WE HE EK!

PIE BLOWN

Get one of these doodackies? The Letter of the Week FIVE FREE COFFEES from Cafe 1894 in the Undercroft.

Dear Canta,

Letters are kept strictly confidential. It’s between Come and pick up your you, your fake name, and vouchers from the UCSA God. offices.

Let me begin by saying that I love pies. More than most other savoury foods. So when I read about a pie eating competition in Canta, I was arranging my day around this event. Not participating but cheering like crazy and trying to steal a pie. On Friday the 8th August, I dragged a friend to C-Block where I was sure that I would find a majestic consumption of pastry and mincemeat happening. But alas! There was only the Singapore Club handing out free food. Not a pie to be seen. Confused as I was, we waited around eating our lunch for a full hour. I only had my $2 fried rice to sustain me. Later on, I found out that it had been moved to the Foundry because it was too cold. Any person competing in a pie eating competition should be man enough to stand a chilly breeze. There was no sign or indication at all of a change of location or I would have been there faster than you can say “Always blow on the pie”. My friend and I demand compensation for our crushing disappointment. Preferably in pies. Make that 3.1416 pies.

I ACT LIKE I DON’T CARE… BUT Dear Canta This is an open letter to whoever runs the slightly embarrassing yet mildly entertaining UC Compliments page.

From the wannabes of PieSoc Disgusting!

Despite the fact that most posts depict students at UC to be hormone raging 16 year olds, I must admit that I do, on the odd occasion, glance at the UCC page.

What kind of red-blooded kiwi couldn’t eat a pie in a stiff breeze?! At Canta, we’d chop a pie during a force five hurricane on the forest moon of Endor. As long as it wasn’t a seafood pie. Those things go straight through us. And it’s hard to get the stains out of space-pants.

I have submitted material only a handful of times but more often than not it is censored! 1. Such as the time ENSOC ran that horridly offensive video… anything mentioning the debacle was not posted….Maybe that may have been justified at the time but it still pissed me off.

To apologise for the (frankly!) anti-New Zealand actions of the UCSA – if you ever do get PieSoc started, Canta will buy you something awesome.

2. Secondly, recently I offered compliments to whoever could give me a heads up on where I can heat food and make a cup of tea near the engineering library. This was not posted either L. WTF not?

Probably a sausage roll.

3. Finally, there has been one compliment that I am proud to say was published regarding the establishment of CATSOC. This garnered many likes, and for this I am forever grateful. In summary then, I am asking you to stop blocking my compliments you bastards. You don’t need to take your job so seriously because in reality, if you tell a potential employer you ran a lameass compliments page while at university, they won’t give a shit. And someone please answer my question at point 2. Sincerely, All cat lovers that ever existed. Dear Cat Lover,

(AN O

LET THER) OF TER T WE HE EK!

Compliments to you on finally getting one of your batshit crazy rants published. Wheel your pram full of kittens over to the UCSA and celebrate with some free coffee. - CANTA

- CANTA

#NOTANOTHERNOTANOTHERFEMSOCLETTER Dear Femsoc and The Anti-Femsoc Collective Would you people calm the f**k down. As you continue to enrage each other like a couple of 14 year old girls in a facebook comment battle royal, remember that you are achieving nothing. I’ll be the first to admit I like a good chuckle at trolling arguments but this one’s getting old. I’m sure I’m not alone at being sick of these petty articles. There is certainly more serious content for Canta to be covering, like just how will UCSA being celebrating the ground breaking historical S-Club Seven reunion. Femsoc members control your inner rage monsters and don’t dignify stupid trolling articles with a response and The Anti-Femsoc Collective as I now refer to you all, don’t assume Femsoc members are all penis hating devil incarnates (that seems to be the gist I’m getting from your articles). Stop the hating! “We’ve got to all stick together, good friends are there for each other, never forget that I’ve got you and you’ve got me so reach for the stars.” Sincerely Ain’t No Party Like a S Club Party (Hey Ho)

ts?!?!? crowave my ca Where can I mi !?! h? hg hg ag Arrrh

SPOILER ALERT! We’re devoting next week’s entire issue to the S Club reunion. See a sneak peak of the cover here. - CANTA

{ Canta 2014 }

{ UCSA }

aaaaaaaaay PRESIDENT’S PIECE

As of Friday night the 2014 UCSA Elections drew to a close and your 2015 UCSA Executive was announced! First, congratulations to all 23 candidates that stood for election. Whether you were successful or not, surviving the two week campaign period alone is no small feat let alone putting yourself out there, before a community of over 12,000 people. Cam told me not to sound too ‘Mum-like’, but be proud of what you have achieved! The fact that you want to be involved in something bigger than yourself is inspiring. Second, thank you to those of you who voted - all 3,731 of you. For the maths minds out there, that works out to be 31% voter turnout…and before you ridicule that 31%, it is important to note that most other Students’ Associations across the country struggle to make it to double digits. Back in 2011 the UCSA Elections saw a voter turnout of 19%, 2012 saw 25% and last year we had a record high of 33.3% (with 37 candidates) so 31% with only 23 candidates this year isn’t too shabby. Having said this we are always working to increase the number of students that actively engage with the UCSA – whether that be through voting, attending events, seeking support or utilising any of our other services. This year we have introduced a number of new initiatives to engage with students and three of these that we are most proud of are:

UNI HACK The UCSA tries to make your life at uni a little easier. HOW TO GET A CHEAP FEED. There’s nothing cheap to eat at uni. Nothing. Nothing at all. Amiright? AAAARRRRGHGHGHGHHHGH!!!!!! NO. You’re not right. Here’s two awesomely cheap options you should be aware of:

$2 Rice A family favourite since rice was invented by the Chin Dynasty in the late 1980s. $2 rice is, as always, available from The Wok in the Undercroft. Portion size may vary

1. Letters to first years – at the start of this year we sent out over 2000 letters to first year students let them know all about the UCSA 2. Termly visits to the Halls of Residences – each term either myself or the full UCSA Exec pop in to each of the Halls to let them know what the goings on each term are (AGMs, VC Forums, UCSA Elections etc.) 3. Q&A with the UCSA – Each Wednesday between 11.30 and 1.30 members of the UCSA Exec are in the Undercroft (or on CBlock lawn when the weather is playing nice) to talk to you about the UCSA and answer any questions you might have. Though we’re making some good progress we certainly can’t take all the credit. A huge thank you to I.C.E. (Independent Coverage of the UCSA Elections) for all the work you have done over this (and last years) campaign period. At this point I would also like to thank those of you who had faith in the PLATT//GILESPIE// BIGNELL campaign for a second year. It’s somewhat unheard for the same top three to stand two years in a row and be elected both times, so we’re stoked that you’ve given us the chance to represent you for another year!! Now before we get too carried away thinking about next year we still have a whole term left in 2014; Tea Party planning is well underway, club events are happening left right and centre and for some of you, the campaigning over the last few weeks may have got you thinking you’d like to be involved. So even though the UCSA Elections have been and gone (for this year), elections for Club Executives are just around the corner so keep your ear to the ground! Weekly Fact: Back when I was just a little 1year-old bubba, Bentley, a handsome black and white cat, launched a bid for the 1993 presidency. Despite a well-publicised campaign, Bentley was unable to head off John Wadsworth but came a creditable second.

And now introducing…

$2.50 Noodles From the roid-rageous people that bought you $2 rice, comes… $2.50 noodles. The title thingy probably gave it away. Give them a go at The Wok – and let the team know what you think.

Advocacy

Increasing your work hours during the term break? Notify Studylink, or they might contact you later and make you repay. Not so sure about studying, don’t wait until you’re failing to withdraw. Final date to withdraw is during the break (5th September). Need help? Contact us at help@ucsa.canterbury.ac.nz www.uc sa.org.n z

{ Canta 2014 }

Unlike Justin, your noodles may be served in a bowl

Exec

ELECTIONS 2014

The elections are over… meet your 2015 UCSA Executive: PRESIDENT

VICE PRESIDENT

FINANCE OFFICER

Sarah Platt

Luke Gillespie

Cameron Bignell

GENERAL EXECUTIVE

PRESIDENT

THE RESULTS TOTAL VOTERS (3731)

Sarah Platt AJ Ekmescic Mathew O’Meeghan No Confidence

VICE PRESIDENT

2147 841 381 362

TOTAL VOTERS (3731)

Luke Gillespie No Confidence

Jimmy Addington

Emily Barker

Dan Chan

FINANCE OFFICER

Kate Hood

Michael McCrae

Finlay Meldrum

Stew Whitehead

Samantha Hampson

Liv Morgan

2976 755

80% 20%

TOTAL VOTERS (3731)

Cameron Bignell No Confidence

GENERAL EXEC

58% 23% 10% 10%

2964 755

79% 21%

TOTAL VOTERS (3731)

Michael McCrae Daniel Chan Kate Hood Jimmy Addington Stew Whitehead Finlay Meldrum Emily Barker Liv Morgan Samantha Hampson Henry Boon Mathew O’Meeghan Hugh Baird Troy McAlister Kristin Finkbeiner Jessica Bucknell Bill Dieckermann Sam Steven No Confidence Taylor McLellan Elric Clarke-Beatson

VOTES (as % of total registered voters) Total number eligible to vote

1934 52% 1863 50% 1576 42% 1520 41% 1502 40% 1453 39% 1383 37% 1111 30% 1041 28% 1000 27% 933 25% 726 19% 674 18% 626 17% 608 16% 512 14% 456 12% 437 12% 338 9% 315 8%

31% 12,183

{ Meet the Locals }

Meet the

Snow Broad ACTUAL NAME: Hannah Ashton AGE: 22 STUDYING: Psychology & Sociology

Ryan

Despite Ned Stark making all sorts of outlandish promises, winter never really came. Well the snow didn’t come to Canterbury, anyway. But CUBA’s first lady of boarding on snow (or “snow boarding”) isn’t crying frozen tears just yet. If you are, please see a doctor. What do you have to say to the weather gods about this shitty season we’ve been having?

It’s so bad. It’s one of the worst years I’ve ever ridden. It’s just frustrating! I wish there was more snow. Everyone keeps talking about this southerly that keeps happening and down south gets a bit but I want the whole lot. Give us snow in Christchurch!! Are you a skier or a boarder, or do you dabble in both?

Snowboarding; I absolutely love it. So tell us a bit about your role on CUBA.

I’m a CUBA snow executive. So basically I just look after and organise all the events regarding snow with the other snow executives. I got into it because I’m really into my board sports – it’s something I’ve always been passionate about. I started when I was like 9 – my family ski. I probably got really into the competition side when I was like 15 during high school. What were some CUBA highlights this year, and what we still have to look forward to?

Well I’ve been riding in the Jib for about four years and this year was awesome - probably the best Jib we’ve done. The set up was way nicer; having two rails was better too. We’ve got night surf coming up really soon too which is really popular. That one is down in New Brighton under the lights from the pier. Girls Up The Mountain will be great. Girls can be a bit timid up the mountain so this is a great way to get them all out there together. Also the Uni Snow Games! Those two are what I’m really stoked about. First time skiers who might want to get involved in something like this?

Just do it, it’s so fun! Girls Up The Mountain is on 13th of September, it’s a day where we try get as many girls as we can up the mountain and ride in a massive group. The focus is on getting the girls out there and enjoying it. We’ll have a BBQ up there with some beers too so it should be good! So the Uni Snow Games, tell us more.

On 24th - 30th August the universities around the country battle head to head, and it’s a big party down in Wanaka. I didn’t go last year. Literally the weekend after jib last year I did in my ACL. I was jumping at a training camp and I landed weird and it twisted up on itself.

Nips Surf Roadie so it would be cool if we had one of those for the snow as well. How do the students afford skiing?

A lot of places have good student discounts. Porters have good student pass deals and Mount Hutt do student pass deals for O Week and special student prices.

Just putting it out there, if the budget was infinitely extended, what would you bring to for the little CUBA critters?

If you could build any sort of snow man/creature/figure what would it be and why?

That would be amazing. [Laughs] Jib would be so much more awesome. Everything would be so much more awesome. It’d be cool to do an epic road trip everywhere. We have the Blue Balls and Stiff

I like building castles out of snow. I used to be a liftie and we used to make the most stupid things at the bottom of the lift, like couches and stuff and just chill there.

{ Canta 2014 }

e Locals

{ Meet the Locals }

Rocket Man ACTUAL NAME: George Buchanan AGE: 24 STUDYING: MusB, PhD in Rockets It’s so, so tempting to make an Elton John pun here. But there’s not enough room. We caught up with George and his rocket called Milly, which looked a lot like a Candle In The Wind. Oh. Sorry...Seems To Be The Hardest Word. Are you really doing a PhD in rockets?!

Yes.   Why do we even need rockets? Haven’t we already been to Mars?

Have you ever watched Sky? Or ever used a weather forecast? GPS? The list of direct benefits is huge, and there are also spin-offs into many other industries. What sort of rocket-y things are you involved in?

We do everything! We design, manufacture, and launch all of our own hardware, electronics and software. There are always a few different projects on the go, currently we’re working on supersonic control, studying fin flutter, and (my pet area) real time orbital trajectory optimizing. There are always more topics though, some interesting projects on the horizon include a turbulence estimator and controlling slosh dynamics.   Do you do anything around here? And can we watch, and then tell girls that we’re involved?  I’m Still Standing

We have two launch locations, one on Kaitorete Spit for our low altitude launches, and another down at Tekapo. We try not to advertise our launches; every time we launch we are pushing the boundaries and while we do wind tunnel tests we also ensconce ourselves in a bunker just in case. You can watch on YouTube or the news though!   Tell us about the NZ rocket industry?

Currently there is one player: Rocket Lab. Up to very recently they flew under the radar, however since announcing their 18 meter long orbital rocket they’ve got a bit more attention. To put that into comparison it’s a similar height to the law building. Their plan is to launch one of these three times a week starting next year. UC Rocketry is closely associated with this company, we act a bit like a research arm for them. When did you discover your love for rockets?

As I kid I had a small model rocket, I fondly remember losing it in trees many times. The parachute was a bit big and it tended to drift a long way. Later I got a bit experimental with deodorant cans (the experiment failed; I would not recommend trying to reproduce it). How can we ‘normal people’ get involved in this stuff?

Hobby stores will often stock small rockets, small enough that you can just trundle on down to your local park and have a fun afternoon of trying to get it out of a tree too. We run a 3rd pro electrical engineering course on all things rockets, feeding into post graduate work (and then feeding into industry.)

of 6 months to design and build. Additionally most of the rocket is reusable: we deploy a parachute at apogee and recover everything. The closest car analogy would probably be filling your Holden with fuel (including the cabin) and setting it on fire, but putting it out before any damage was done… which goes to show how much cars and rockets have in common. However, luckily our rocket is substantially smaller than a car and thus our workhorse motor only costs $90.

How expensive is this rocket stuff? Much like running a Holden on 96 unleaded?

Is the future ‘taking off’ for rocketry in NZ?

The bulk of the cost lies in development. Each rocket takes upwards

Blast. You got us.

Is this even a question? I think you just wanted to include a pun!  { Canta 2014 }

{ News } Welcome to Canta’s student-y news page. Here’s some of our favourite stories from the last few weeks.

LABOUR SENDS YOU A CARE PACKAGE

DEALING NOTES, MAKING BANK

AOTEAROA The Labour Party has announced the tertiary education policy. For those who missed it, here’s the big ol’ bullet points that potentially affect you. If Labour gets into government. • Fully review the student support system – including allowances, loans, accommodation support and scholarships. • Reverse National’s abolition of student allowances for postgraduate students and those in recognised long programmes, such as Clinical Psychology. • Remove the restriction for medical and dentistry students on access to student loans after seven years. • Reinstate post-doctoral fellowships for recent PhD graduates, scaling up to a cost of $6million a year. • Keep the cap on fees at 4%, but will review the cap on enrolments to make it more flexible, particularly in times of high unemployment. • Not proceed with the Education Amendment Bill. • Reinstate Students’ Associations. • Review the Tertiary Education Commission to reinstate its intended strategic purpose.

AUSTRALASIA Nexus Notes is an Australian-based website that sells university course notes for $35 a set. Students who upload their notes take half the sale price. Everyone wins, right?! Especially considering all notes must (according to Nexus) come from students who received 75 per cent or above on the course. The service has been used in 16 Aussie unis, and now it’s expanding into New Zealand. In fact, an Auckland law student has already

NOTE: In the interests of fairness and neutrality, Canta will do our best to print all the tertiary education policies that come across our desk. So feel free to make sure they DO come across our desk. Sounded dirty, but wasn’t.

{ Canta 2014 }

Universities are generally “concerned” about the practice – but the service is legal, provided students aren’t plagiarising the material. It should be pointed out that the website does not sell exam answers or completed assignments. So there’s still room for growth.

SAFETY IN SENSIBLE SHOES? According to our sources, Massey University has issued a list of tips to help students avoid being sexually assaulted. And not everyone is stoked about it.

executive director Dr Kim McGregor was not a fan of the advice, saying, “For about the last 30 years sexual violence prevention was aimed at women asking them to change their behavior. 30 years of that sort of messaging has not ended sexual violence.”

Tips from Massey apparently include; wearing running shoes, carrying a whistle and torch, and not listening to music.

Despite the skepticism, whistle sales at Palmerston North K-Mart have gone through the roof!

Not surprisingly, Rape Prevention Education

Not really.

MASSEY

Maryan Street – Labour’s Tertiary Education Spokesperson

uploaded 11 sets of notes - that reportedly help him achieve up to 95 per cent. Several other kiwi students are also offering notes on the website.

T he l if e & t ea

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What Jesus Says About The Existence of God

TOPIC

What Jesus Says About Living Life To The Full

TOPIC

What Jesus Says About Surviving Tough Times

Fri, 22 Aug at 7:00pm | Sat, 23 Aug at 7:00pm | Sun, 24 Aug at 7:00pm Ilam Seventh-day Adventist Church, 24 Ilam Road, Ilam Pre-register & find a venue at www.jesussays.info | Phone 03 940 3419 In association with ASOC (Adventist Students On Campus)

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{ Feature }

8 BIZARRE FACTS ABOUT by Panar Kaminski

The history of United States Presidency is, for many people, just another boring topic they were forced to learn at school. We all know, for example, how Abraham Lincoln and General Ulysses S. Grant led the Union forces to victory, how George Washington crossed the Delaware River as a surprise attack on the Hessian forces and how Bill Clinton “did not have sexual relations with that woman.”… Ahem. But did you know that Harry Truman was inducted into the KKK? Or that George H. W. Bush once vomited on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa during a banquet in 1992? For every boring lesson, there is a treasure trove of bizarre facts that many Presidents would prefer to stay under wraps. But as a history student and lover of fascinating facts, I’ve compiled a list that throws off the wrappings to reveal that the world’s toughest job certainly attracts its share of eccentricities.

2. Ulysses S. Grant NEVER-NUDE Ulysses S. Grant’s efforts during the civil war have rightfully earned him a reputation as a fearless commander with a great strategic mind. Therefore, it may be surprising to learn that the man responsible for many Union victories was in fact a big softie and a prude. He hated the sight of blood, despite fighting in one of America’s bloodiest wars, and was even known to freak out over rare steaks. Strangest of all though was that he refused to let anyone see him naked. Even amidst one of America’s bloodiest struggle, when modesty was hard to come by, he made all the other soldiers shower out in open whilst Grant himself was permitted to shower in the privacy of his own tent. It wasn’t just his men he wanted to avoid showing his (assumingly deformed) penis, it was everyone. He was once even quoted saying that no one had actually seen him naked since he was a child.

4. Thomas Jefferson STAGE FRIGHT Thomas Jefferson is among one of America’s most celebrated presidents. He was a founding father, signed the declaration of independence, was a spokesman for democracy and fought for individual rights. He held an avid interest in many fields including science, architecture, invention, religion and philosophy and was fluent in over five languages. However, a glaring omission from his impressive gallery of boast-able skills is arguably the most important of all for a U.S President; public speaking. History has a way of elevating historical figures to almost superhuman proportions, and thus it is commonly held belief that Jefferson was great and articulate spokesman. In truth, Jefferson suffered from crippling stage fright and avoided making speeches whenever possible. He was insecure of his lack of charisma when speaking to the point of even placing accents in the Declaration of Independence, to make it easier for him to read aloud. It is estimated that he only made two speeches in his entire career as President of the United States. If only George W. Bush had taken a leaf out of Jefferson’s book…

3. Andrew Jackson MASTER DUELLIST The role of U.S presidency is one that has long since been associated with chivalry and masculinity. Theodore Roosevelt is perhaps the figure that best epitomises that notion. His stories have become tales of legend, and his masculinity is unrivalled – except, for perhaps one Andrew Jackson.

Whilst negotiation skills are surely coveted in presidential roles, Jackson never did seem too partial to diplomatic solutions. To him the best way to solve a conflict is to hash it out, in a man to man confrontation. Throughout his career, he has had duels with fellow politician Thomas Hart Benton, getting shot twice resulting in a shattered shoulder and famous marksman Charles Dickinson, which resulted in the President getting shot in the chest. His poor marksmanship has never slowed him down however as, in an impressive display of chivalry, it is reported that he may have been involved in over a hundred duels – most of which were to defend the honour of his dear wife, Rachel Jackson.

It certainly sounds more like the Union army was led by Tobias Funke, than an American icon.

1. Lyndon B. Johnson VERY FOND OF “JUMBO” “Hey, hey LBJ how many babies have you killed today?” Lyndon Baines Johnson was never the best leader, nor the most popular. His decisions were often questionable and many people still lay the blame of the horrific nature of the warfare in Vietnam at his feet. But he does hold the distinction of being possibly the crassest and most unapologetic president the oval office has ever seen. Firstly; his extra-marital affairs – Presidents have been cheating on their first lady for as long as anyone can remember but Johnson was a particularly special case. He seemed to have taken it upon himself to top all his predecessor’s sexual escapades by sleeping with virtually all his secretaries as well as enjoying time with his many mistresses. His infidelities were such a massive part of his presidency that he even tasked the secret service with keeping all his affairs from his wife. His behaviour didn’t stop there though, there have been reports that Johnson would often urinate in public whenever he wished and would proudly display his penis to anyone who dared confront him about his toilet habits. He even nicknamed it “Jumbo”. He even went as far as challenging anyone who confronted him to produce a more sizable penis than his own LBJ Junior.

{ Canta 2014 }

{ Feature }

FORMER US PRESIDENTS 5. Grover Cleveland SEXUAL ASSAULT

Grover Cleveland was the 22nd President of the United States. He was also the 24th. This gives him the distinction of being the only person to serve two non-consecutive terms as President of the United States. He was arguably one of the most popular figures of the time, winning the popular vote as a Democratic candidate not just twice but three times, amidst an era of strong Republican domination. Biographer Allan Nevis states that his greatness lies in typical qualities such as his possession of “honesty, courage, firmness, independence, and common sense.” However, his common sense and honesty certainly comes into question in light of the allegations of sexual assault of sales clerk, Maria Halpin.

6. George Washington NOT THE FIRST PRESIDENT

Halpin reportedly caught Cleveland’s attention sometime in 1873, which quickly led to a dinner invitation. What happened next, according to Halpin’s affidavit, was that Cleveland proceeded to make sexual advances on her and by the “use of force and violence and without my consent” raped her. Cleveland threatened to ruin her if she ever spilled the beans to anyone and six weeks later Maria found out the whole affair had gotten her pregnant.

This entry may seem like a bit of a cheat as it’s more of a misconception than a bizarre fact, but the overwhelming nature of the myth justifies it’s place on the list, if only to set the record straight. So here it is, in clear concise words George Washington was not the first President of the United States of America.

The baby was forcibly removed from her and placed in the Buffalo Orphan Asylum, whilst Maria was thrown into the Providence Lunatic Asylum. She was released not long after when an evaluation correctly determined that she was not insane and was most likely incarcerated due to an abuse of power. Maria died at age 66 with $200 to her name which, thanks to her one-time lover is forever linked with scandal and shame.

He was the first president under the Constitution of 1789, but was actually the ninth person to serve as president of the United States since declaring its independence in 1776. The title of the first president of the United States goes instead to a man named John Hanson who was elected in 1781 when the country officially formed with the adoption of the Articles of Confederation. By 1789, it was realised that the Articles of Confederation didn’t actually work and thus was rewritten into the Constitution that many Americans are familiar with today.

7. Herbert Hoover UNUSUAL PETS

Herbert Hoover was the 31st president of the United States, serving from 1921 to 1928. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to state that he is not perhaps one of the most prolific presidents and is probably most often remembered for that fact that his name reminds everyone of a vacuum cleaner.

What does distinguish Hoover apart from the others, however, is his odd affinity for unusual pets. Whilst most presidents were content with the traditional cat or dog, Hoover felt that he was more of an alligator man himself, and went about acquiring a couple alligators, which he kept on the White House lawn. His predecessor, Calvin Coolidge, was also quite partial to unusual pets and kept, among other things, a pygmy hippo, a black bear, a wallaby, a bobcat and two lion cubs hilariously named Tax Deduction and Budget Bureau. However, the eccentricities that Coolidge displays come from more than just his choice of pets…

8. Calvin Coolidge INTERESTING EATING HABITS Calvin Coolidge, despite his alliterated name, was never terribly popular, becoming the butt of many jokes. Reportedly, Alice Roosevelt (Theodore Roosevelt’s daughter) had said that he looked “as though he had been weaned on a pickle” and when told of his passing; Dorothy Parker (American poet) simply remarked, “How could they tell?” This didn’t seem to bother him much as he set about arranging The White House to his specific (crazy) needs. These included keeping an electric horse at The White House (for exercising purposes, of course), as well as his practice of ringing The White House doorbell and scampering off to hide, for his own amusement.

Perhaps strangest of all though was his eating habits. He, like many other Presidents, enjoyed a life of luxury which he displayed by often having breakfast in bed. His typical breakfast included boiled wheat and rye, which he often ate whilst having his scalped massaged with Vaseline - in bed (in case you forgot).

{ Canta 2014 }

{ CSB }

COOL STORY, BRO...

Canta’s home for all the weird stuff you guys keep sending us.

CREEPY DAVE GETS IT DONE Dave “Creepy Dave” Surnamewithheld is an 8th year B.Com student here at UC. After years of failure (sorry, “life experience”) Dave’s volunteered to pass on some student-y wisdom to those of us who only breeze through this place in three or four years. Dave calls us “tourists”. If there’s anything that eight years in dark, cold Christchurch flats held together by structural mould has taught me, it’s that there are certain maxims that all students must live by. Heating is cheating Anything green counts as a vegetable ’Garage’ is French for ‘sleepout’ And, of course, ‘Don’t screw the crew’ These words of wisdom have been passed down through the student generations - like that giant label-less can in your flat pantry. Or that beer bong made from a horse skull you found under the garage. Most of them are simply irrefutable. Common sense, even. EXCEPT THE LAST ONE. That’s right, it’s time to put this whole, “don’t screw the crew thing” to bed. Along with your flatmate. Ba. Dum. Boosh. DISCLAIMER: My priceless advice is only applicable if your ‘crew’ actually wants to ‘screw’. Or, technically, if you live alone.

Scientists agree this second figure represents the TRUE likelihood that you’re going to find someone to wear down your warts with. All year.

Dave: windswept and creepy

Pretty fucking depressing, right? So what are you going to do about it? Sure, you could take your mum’s advice and, “put yourself out there.” But just think how much time, effort, and money it’s going to cost you. Are you really willing to join a club? Or, take up a hobby? Or, stop being an antisocial fuckwit with questionable hygiene? Of course not. It’s all far too hard. And it would almost certainly cut into your ‘drinking alone while searching the web for photos of Selena Gomez naked’ time. Yes, yes, you could try online dating. But that, “are your legs made of Nutella?” line is just as shit on Tinder as it was at the RSA. Fortunately, for some of you, there’s a solution a little closer to home. Literally, IN your home. Currently wearing a musty Pak’n’Save uniform while hungoverly rifling through your fridge smelling for the least expired milk. A real living, breathing human being who you’ve ‘accidentally’ seen in

WHo the fuck says ‘crew‘ anyway? this isn’t 1998.

the shower more times that you’ve actually showered this year. But despite your obvious chemistry (read: crippling mutual desperation) you’re still spending your nights alone, hand permanently fixed in a claw-like position, as you fast-forward through Game Of Thrones to find the nudie dragon girl bits. All because of some pathetic rhyme that doesn’t really make sense. NOTE: Who the fuck says, ‘crew’ anyway? This isn’t 1998. You aren’t The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Take it from a legendary intra-flat fornicator: 1) “DON’T SCREW THE CREW” IS MORE OF A GUIDELINE THAN A RULE. 2) GUIDELINES, MUCH LIKE HYMENS, ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN. So go on, son. Give her that Nutella line one more time. Then (as along as you haven’t massively misjudged the entire situation and end up in prison) you can finally tear off that shapeless green pinafore and do something you’ll both instantly regret. You can thank me later. With nudie pictures. XX Dave

Now, before you start poo-pooing the very idea of lustfully brushing aside the home brand frosted flakes and diving inside your fellow leaseholder’s flannelette Star Trek pajamas… let’s do the math: What are the chances you’ll get another human being to (intentionally) touch your jiggly bits this year? Write in your self-rated percentage here: Now, for accuracy sake, divide your estimate by 5:

{ Canta 2014 }

Where does the bear end, and the Burt Reynolds start?

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Not really pulling the finger but may really have wet himself

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A sign of law suits to come

LAW REVUE

I killed a cow...for THIS?!

Someone finally figured out the Emergency Stations are just big empty cardboard boxes #universitycutbacks

Fuck John Key: the opera

{ Canta 2014 }

Hands up who wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t good enough for a solo

{ You Had To Be There } EFSOC CASINO NIGHT

RANDOM

Not the best poker face we’ve ever seen but the ginger mo is pretty distracting. Well played, sir. Trending: Little Bignell

I killed a Russian guy...for THIS?!

Hmmm, I wonder what’s keeping Vladimir?

UC POLS NEW ZEALAND ELECTION DEBATE Baking happened. And you missed it.

Mid-selfie the heroin bag burst...

If your lifestyle choices involve dressing in a fluffy elephant costume, you WOULD be concerned about global warming...

WHAT?! But they didn’t even give out free food?

Tag in Can Ta on Facebook if you think you’ve got a magworthy pic. { Canta 2014 }

{ Reviews }

THE TAKEAWAY DIARIES by William Foster

Red Box Burger & Grill I read on the internet that this place was better than Queenstown’s famous Fergburger, so I thought I should try it. I’ve never eaten at Fergburger and that doesn’t really bother me; you can’t eat hype. And it worries me that I might spend $15 and half an hour with a bunch of unwashed tourists waiting for just-another-burger. Write angry letters ousting me as a burger hipster, I don’t care. Red Box can be found operating out of a trailer in the midst of the container mall and while it is definitely box-like in nature, it is much whiter than it is red. Maybe the proprietor thought ‘White Box’ might bear some unwanted connotations, go figure. Red Box touts their sauces as being ‘sensational’ and offers fish and chips, a range of breakfast offerings, and burgers which you can try this claim out on. I ordered the Manuka Burger from their speciality range – a burger replete with roast capsicum, manuka smoked bacon, beef, cheddar, lettuce, red onion, tomato, and Dijon mustard. I was worried, at $13.50 this was a substantial investment and the young ladies behind the counter certainly didn’t look like they knew much about meat. I am however pleased to say that my fear was somewhat misplaced; the Manuka Burger was a satisfying offering, resplendent in a soft sourdough bun and with ample helpings of all the trimmings. I can’t tell you whether it was better than Fergburger, but I liked what I ate and I barely had to wait. Verdict: 4/5 – Good burger but not a whole lot of atmosphere, probably not first date material. Avoid eating chips and aioli for breakfast.

Next week feels like Japanese fried chicken.

Gaza Strip The

by Yorick

Since 1947, Israel and Palestine have been at each other’s throats so much that I literally cannot think of a better metaphor to use for two warring nations. Both feel that they have the right to the other’s land, and that they will use military force where necessary to protect their interests. With peace talks constantly failing between these two, and with them popping up on the news almost every day, you might think “to what end?” or “what’s even the point anymore?” For those of us who aren’t familiar with the conflict, the oversimplified story goes that Israel is a state formed by the West after World War II so that displaced Jews could have a homeland. Of course, acquiring land must come at the cost of someone else relinquishing their land and hence conflict erupts. Although the British have slaughtered their way through a quarter of the world in order to find the perfect exotic herbal tea blend; this is one of their most failed foreign policies to date. . . Well, that and the World Cup. Since July of this year, almost 2,000 people have died due to the conflict; 1,900 of which have been Palestinians. Peace talks led by the US have failed, and no one wants to take responsibility. Taking on this project would be about as rewarding as picking up girls in the Waikato, although potentially not as messy. The simple truth

{ Canta 2014 }

is that providing humanitarian aid to a country is becoming more and more difficult and costly for countries who take the moral highground. The Americans tried it in Vietnam with awful results. Then, the enormous American rhino took the fly that rides around on its back (Great Britain) into Afghanistan and Iraq to “kick some ass!” Thirteen years later and all that has been achieved is the death of some beardy guy. In short, although we like to think of ourselves as moral individuals, the world is becoming harder and harder to police. And it’s no good saying that we, as New Zealanders, abstain from all of the bad stuff, because we come under the sphere of Levi’s jeans and Bruce Springsteen too. 67 years after the Western world found a ‘solution’ to house the misplaced peoples of Europe and Anatolia, we are still fighting for freedom in the Middle East. And so far, it’s been fairly Shi’ite.

*It is not my intention to offend, merely to entertain and inform. Nonetheless, if you have any queries, please write to: commerce@ucsa. org.nz **Again, that isn’t actually his email address - CANTA

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The Whit { Flat Profile }

Lawrence Rothwell: “Sophisticated, cultured and intelligent.” Ask any female in his History class and they will all give you the same answer. This polyglot can be found composing symphonies, painting Fauvism masterpieces and giving advice to Scandinavian governments. Lawrence has been shortlisted to play James Bond in the next film thanks to his beaver-moistening accent.

Danny Garry: A hairy man from Alexandra, the only thing that Danny screws up more than dinner is flat dynamics. Last year he got flat incest and this year is looking to capitalise on our girls’ increased libido due to their desire to have babies before it’s not too late. Danny went on a gap year recently, and has returned with more amazing stories to tell than Simon has bitches. One.

Jane “the Hawk” Hawkins: Could be the woman of your dreams... If you dream of a woman who exposes herself to people on the Orbiter. Jane refuses to chip in for loo roll as she claims that she never uses any. Despite this, whatever she does must be working because she recently pulled at the Foundry. Nice one, Janey!

20 { Canta 2014 }

tehouse

{ Flat Profile }

Rachael Worsley: When I asked Rach if she thought whether or not I was a nosy bastard, she said “no”. Imagine, then, my surprise when I found contradicting evidence in her diary. Rach can usually be found hanging around Ilam Primary School at 3pm Monday through Friday. Indeed, she was going to run for UCSA Exec before she realised that for legal reasons she wasn’t allowed to kiss babies.

Rebecca Risi: You’d think that a hardworking, farming girl from the Waikato would be well rounded, right? Wrong! Risi’s Tinder profile will tell you that her best assets are a hatred of Western democracy, twinned with her pilot’s licence. If you see Risi walking around campus by herself, please notify a responsible adult immediately.

Simon “Twiggy” Corbett: Keeps going on about how powerful the hoover is, for some reason. Simon is highly mistrusting of everyone in the flat who is not from New Plymouth; and in an attempt to discover who ate his “yoghurt” in the fridge; he made everyone undergo an AIDS test... it was Jane. Simon recently claimed that walking to Uni in the rain was worse than the Armenian genocide.

Kurt Murray: Having been alive for most of the Cold War, Kurt tries to impart his “wisdom” on the rest of the flat. This failed when Kurt assured me that Argentina would win the World Cup. I bet Germany would win. He will feel like a tit when he reads this. Kurt has recently discovered the joys of butter in sex. He smears it on the doorknob to stop people from coming in.

{ Canta 2014 }

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VOTING NATLAB by HOPE

Why is it that we don’t vote? We the twenty somethings. We who are told so very often of our potential to change the world, to create new systems, to fix our ancestors’ problems. How many repentant Boomers have I heard espouse these few lines in a desperate attempt to allay their fears that, no, the world will not end after they leave. The problems that they left to fester for our generation will be fixed by us. “Oh I have so much HOPE for this generation.” “Do you believe in fate, Neo?” “No.” “Why not?” “Because I don’t like the idea that I’m not in control of my life.” “I know Exactly what you mean…” And so the Boomers and the Gen Xers spout loving tirades at us. They speak of our tech savviness, as if knowing how to log in to Facebook without contracting tool bars is a skill. They speak of our power as the new entrepeneurs that will spur our countries growth, as if any of us still believe growth is sustainable, reasonable or even desirable on a finite planet. But the Boomers and the Xers play to a different rule book than us. They practically froth at the mouth whenever someone says growth. They decry the inefficiency of state run businesses, the welfare state, unions and everything else that got them where they are now. When they sing the praises of growth and efficiency, they praise nothing less than that which keeps a permanent underclass in unemployment so that we don’t demand the wages we need to live.

{ Opinion }

Because the only way to make those in lifeboats fear drowning more than a life cast adrift, is to show them what a drowning man looks like.

National and Labour, two sides of the same coin, a good cop bad cop routine but don’t you ever forget that those two cops are only in it for what they get paid. NatLab has never cared about you.

Our generation now plays by a different rule book. What one of us can really say with a straight face that capitalism is still working?

NatLab will never bring you prosperity, NatLab can only give you a sense of fate.

The bailouts in America paid the bankers multi-million dollar bonuses for putting lives in disarray and bodies in the ground. On the 5th Aug, Bernie Ecclestone bought a $100 million dollar get out of jail free card when he paid a court to dismiss corruption charges. We have had economy crises every 10 years and major depressions every 30. Who would live under a house that could fall apart every decade? Who would live under a system that would just tell you to pull up your bootstraps and be resilient once it did? Screw being told to toughen up and just take exploitation on the shoulder. This system has failed us, this government has failed us, and the governments before failed us too! And yet these middle aged folk would stand on their podiums and say if we just VOTED for another set of them that their particular form of capitalism would bring prosperity for all! But we see through this. We have never seen a world where capitalism did not bring misery for most, for the pleasure of some. We have lived our whole lives seeing pictures of starving children when food lies in abundance. We have lived our entire lives seeing America set the middle east aflame to prop up its endemic inequality. Little goddamn wonder we don’t vote for your parties.

NatLab reduces the political spectrum to the narrow few reasonable policies as defined by reasonable people. Reasonable only because they wish not to change a thing! Reasonable because they’ve grown so jaded that all they can think to bring to the table are the same tired political footballs produced by NatLab. I despise this sense of fate I’ve been given. I despise that we are not in control of our government. I despise the countless injustices we face at the hands of the rich, the landlords, the employers and the NatLabs that protect them. “Washing one’s hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral.” For our generation there can be no neutrality. Our futures are being eroded from each and every side. We are now in the fight of our lives. We cannot back down, we owe our children as much. But fortunately for us, we don’t have to accept a NatLab fate. We can take control of our lives, our government, our land. This election, and every other after, we will be given a choice. A blue pill or a red pill. Our generation will pick neither. We will be told the only way we can act is to choose sides. But we don’t live in the matrix, their fate is not our choice. Their world is dead and our world is being born. { Canta 2014 }

So Hot Right Now { SHRN }

AND YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT THE MAN-FLU

Cancel your holiday to the Cote d’ivoire. And the Ivory Coast for that matter. A deadly Ebola virus outbreak is sweeping through West Africa. Is it in your no fly zone?

I didn’t know about it. [worried?] Well a lot of flats don’t seem to watch the news anymore so not really. Nick Galwey, 3rd year, Geography

{ Canta 2014 }

It’s totally strange. Up until recently the only reasons to go into town were looting and/or to wrestle the giant rats.

I haven’t heard of it, I don’t know anything about it. [excited?] Definitely, we are getting the chance to rebuild, what other cities have that chance?

Yes. [worried?] I am worried but I’m glad they’re screening people. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.”

Yes. [worried?] I’ve heard a little bit but I heard the airport is intruding screening so I’m less concerned.

Yes, but I haven’t been yet. [excited?] Its really good, its a shame its taken so long but its still awesome.

I have heard about it. [worried?] I’m not really too worried about it... should I be? Nathan Beckingsale, 3rd Year, Commerce

Have you heard Stranges Lane has opened in the central city?

Yeah, it sounds like an awesome place. [excited?] Yeah, we need places like to that to bring a sense of community back into the Christchurch nightlife.

Ryan Sloan, 3rd Year, Commerce

Penny Trent, 2nd Year, BCOM Accounting

STRANGE TO HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO

Yeah, I havent been yet though. [excited?] Yea, Christchurch town has been pretty lame.

BUT HE’S USUALLY SO TACTFUL?

Winston Peters told a joke about Chinese investment in NZ, with the punchline, “Two Wongs don’t make a Wight.” Apparently, he heard it from a Chinese man. You know what this means? We all get to play NZ’s favourite gameshow … IS. IT. RACIST?

I think people sometimes need to turn a blind eye to that stuff and just see the funny side. [OK if it came from a Chinese person?] I suppose it does make it a little more politically correct. Its a great play on words, its Winston Peters, no one really should take him seriously. [OK if it came from a Chinese person?] Well if you’re Chinese you can take the piss out of yourself I guess.

Yes, definitely. [OK if it came from a Chinese person?] It doesn’t matter who says it, it’s still racist.

It depends on the context, but people do need to take what he says with a grain of salt. [OK if it came from a Chinese person?] Well, its more acceptable if you are Chinese.

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{ Feature }

scripted love by Hannah Herchenbach

Romeo and Juliet may seem like a dated narrative – but for those in the Indian Students Association production Rose, which was adapted from the Shakespearean play, it seemed similar to the culture clash between their Indian ancestry and the realities of University life in New Zealand. Three members of the club – Wasi Kmanazmi and the Romeo and Juliet of the production, Sree Nain and Rahul George, came together to share what that clash feels like as you exit the teenage years and enter adult life.

Wasi, Sree and Rahul

Rahul: My mum’s pretty good, she lets us go Canta: First, background – where are you guys from?

out and stuff. But I don’t drink when I’m out either, but that’s my own…

Wasi: My grandparents are from India, but I

Canta: Do any of you drink?

was born in Pakistan. I came to New Zealand when I was 10-ish.

All: No.

Zealand when I was seven.

Canta: What’s your impression of experiencing UC culture from the point of view of being sober?

Rahul: I was born in India, and came here

Sree: I was taken aback at Clubs Day when

Sree: I was born in India and came to New

when I was almost one. Canta: Sree, we heard that when you first read the script for Rose, you put the kibosh on a kissing scene between Romeo and Juliet! Sree: Oh yeah. [laughs] When I first read the

script, I went off at [the producer] Shawn: “There is no way in hell you think I am going to do this…” I was full on aggressive! My parents are pretty okay with everything, but then there are certain things you just do not cross. Canta: Like what? Sree: No drinking, no dating, no… What else

do I not do? Wasi: No late nights out. Sree: Curfew, 10-11. Wasi: Same thing. If I stay outside after 10,

say at the mall, my parents get worried. Sree: My parents are influenced by how

people my age grow up in India. In India, I don’t leave the house by myself. I can’t. Because that’s the kind of environment you live in. I have to go with my brother, or my cousins – guys who can hold their own have to be there, regardless of whether it’s daytime or nighttime. So I can’t be like, Dad going to a party tonight, be home by 11. He’ll be like, “No you’re not!” I need to give him a week in advance – this is what’s going to happen, this is my ride home…

26 { Canta 2014 }

the marketing campaign for every single club was “We throw the best parties!” “We’re sponsored by Tui!” ENSOC were really pushing that. As soon as I said I don’t drink, they didn’t have anything else to market their club. Canta: Does that limit your ability to be social on campus? Sree: I haven’t gone to a lot of Uni parties,

because when I meet people, I prefer to be in the same intellectual place. But now that I know more people I’d go along because I don’t mind being sober and other people being drunk. Rahul: I think it’s kind of fun sometimes when

everyone else is drunk and you’re sober. It’s funny to see everybody like that. I didn’t go to many of the O Week stuff either, I guess because alcohol is quite a big part of it and it’s not quite my thing. Canta: You guys all sound like good upstanding kids who have never felt tempted to break the rules… Sree: I’m too much of a realist to break the

rules. If I broke the rules, it would be wars. The repercussions would not be worth it. Not at all. Wasi: And the thing is you cannot escape

from it. It just builds on, from generation to generation. It’s not like something where you can say, “From now on, it’s all right.” It cannot be like that, because you have neighbours, you have community people, and they are going to say something about you.

Sree: Saying the things out loud makes it feel

like I’m trapped in a cage and whatnot. But it’s not really like that. I don’t feel restricted in any way. Canta: Let’s talk more about dating. So you’re not allowed to date at all? Wasi: It’s not considered a good thing. If I

did something like that, I would become like an outcast to my family. Sree: With Rose, Western people would look

at it and be like, “This is what love does, the girl dies, blah blah blah.” With Indian parents however: “See, if you fall in love with the wrong person, YOU DIE.” For my parents, they’ll be more lenient when I’m in my mid-20s, or “of age,” as they say. Canta: What is “of age” for them? Sree: For a while it was like, when you’re 23

you need to start looking. Now it’s like, don’t do that, wait ‘til 26. So I don’t know. At this point mum’s says, it’s your life, and if you want to do that, it’s your decision, but if you screw it up, don’t blame us, kind of thing. If mum had a problem being with dad, she could always say to her parents, “Well you guys found him, so it’s your fault!.” Everyone laughs. Sree: She’s like, “[If you find your own

husband] you can’t say that to me! I’m like, “Okay. I’ll take it.”

... that’s dating in India. Once you are engaged, that period is called dating.

{ Feature }

Rahul and Sree perform in Rose

Sree: It’s interesting, because that is arranged

marriage now. It’s not like you’re set up with someone and meet them on the wedding day. I was, “There is no way in hell I could do arranged married, it’s so stupid.” But my parents are arranged! Wasi: My parents too, same as well. Sree: And they lasted ’til now – which is 23,

24 years. Even now I’m like, there is no way I could do that, but my cousin was like, “No, that’s not what arranged marriage is.” She was trying to convince me it’s a good thing. ‘Cause she’s married now, and she’s like, “I met him, we spent two years dating,” and that’s dating in India. Once you are engaged, that period is called dating.

Wasi: That’s exactly what my mom would say

– if you find a girl, and choose her yourself, you found her, it’s your fault. If they find her, you can actually blame your parents. It’s a good thing, you know? Canta: It is a perk. Wasi: Normally to us, to a guy and a girl,

23+ you’re all right to find your partner, but to me she’s like, “All right, you’re going to find a partner for yourself. But you know the girl you are going to marry is the one that I choose for you.” What’s the part about me getting the partner then? In our cultures, it’s the women who do the sorting and selection thing, because the males, we don’t really know. My dad, we don’t really bond over this. But mum… You just never know. You might have met her but you don’t know it’s going to be your future partner.

Canta: Do you guys think your parents are good examples of an arranged marriage working out? Or are they a warning of what not to do? Rahul: No, no, they are pretty okay. Sree: There are downsides. When my parents

first got married – my dad is a very academic person – and when my mm was like, “Yeah I don’t really wanna do my Masters, I just wanna dance,” he said, “Maybe you should do your Masters.” And she took that as, you are never allowed to dance. And so – ohhhhh. Canta: Uh oh. Sree. Fight fight fight fight. So she is a big

believer in, make sure you get to know him – because of that, you need at least two to three years to get to know the guy before you even think about getting married. So she is very open-minded in that sense. My dad’s just like, stop talking to her about that! She’s 18!

Dad, what is this arranged marriage? Why can’t I just get a girl and be in love? Why would you change that? Canta: Is it an example of something you want in the future? Rahul: I’m not really a big believer in the

arranged marriage thing. Sree: A-men. Rahul: I just kind of prefer to do it on my

own, when it happens. Wasi: One day, when I was 13 or 14 years old

I just got really pissed off, and said: “Dad, what is this arranged marriage? Why can’t I just get a girl and be in love? Why would you change that?” My dad had 10, 20 examples of different cultures: this happened in this culture, this happened in this relationship, in the end, the love actually didn’t work out. It made me realise, okay, maybe the love way is not an option for us. You kind of feel guilty – maybe I am doing something wrong for myself… so let my parents think about it. Should I let them do it? You are in a dilemma. I still think in the back of my head: maybe, maybe not, but let the parents decide. We’ll see how it goes. { Canta 2014 }

{ Third Drawer Down }

NEK N MI-DATE Get your nomi-dations in. We’ve already tried using the Shilling Club vouchers on ourselves. No go, apparently. So sort your shit out and get a date people. Otherwise we’ll try again when that Irish manager guy is away. Worth a go.

canta@canta.co.nz

This week’s Nek Nomi-Date is: Name: Simon Tither

Know as: Simon “El Presidente 9 inch” Tither Age: 23 Studying: Psychology/ Failed engineer Famous for: Lack of gym progress despite being a gym rat for the last 3 years. Usually seen: Dominating football games at the Ilam fields, or struggling to lift planks of wood at Placemakers Riccarton. Why he needs a date: Simon is an intelligent, witty, dedicated man, and according to Hamish Foy he’s also a skilled and tender lover. A diamond in the rough, Simon is guaranteed to make some lucky lady very happy. If you’re looking for The One and/ or would like to cross mating with a ginger off your bucket list, Simon could be the man for you. Best way to get in Contact: Adding him on Snapchat: sjtither

SIMON WAS NOMINATED BY: Nikolai Molijn & Nat Moore

If Sam can get a date with a lady. Or a man. Or even a squirrel. We’ll give him a wad of vouchers for The Shilling Club. Get your mates nominations in for next term:

canta@canta.co.nz

BROKE STOCKER BEER IS DOWN! Thanks to a sweet deal on a dozen 440ml (or “man’s cans”) beersies, we have almost hit the mythical $1 mark. Now, for those of you who couldn;t manage a C dash in EMTH118, the stated $1.04 price is based on a 330ml equivalent.

So that’s:

PRICE OF THE DOZ X 330 = 12 440

$1.04

Some people have suggested that I should also take the alcohol percentage into account. But that’s just glorifying alcohol, which I’m completely against. Plus, we all know cheap beer is 4%. So get over it. Also, for legal and commercial reasons I can’t tell you exactly what the beer in question is. What I can tell you is that it has an overall rating on www.ratemybeer.com of:

1.6 out of 5 One reviewer states: “The flavor is somewhat rotten…” He was a kind. This one’s my fav: “If you’re living on the bones of your ass and trying to fight off the shakes this will do the trick. Otherwise it should be avoided at all costs.” Enjoy.

{ Canta 2014 }

THE BEST OF PORNHUBCOMMENTSON STOCKPHOTOS (Tumblr) When Nicéphore Niépce invented his camera in 1816, he could never have imagined his invention would one day give rise to inanity known as stock photos. However, this inanity is almost entirely nullified when you cut and paste REAL user comments from Pornhub over the images. Here are some semi-safe for work examples.

WASSSSSON?! French Society Chocolate Themed Movie Evening

P.O.A OPENING: 19 AUGUST, 5:00PM 20 - 23 AUGUST 2014 HOURS: 10AM-4PM SHOPS 4&5 CATHEDRAL JUNCTION

Thursday 21st August 6.30pm The Living Room

To celebrate the end of term and all things chocolate, FrenSoc is holding a chocolate themed movie evening! It will be filled with hot chocolate, Nutella and crepes and better still a movie featuring Johnny Depp in a film appropriately titled Chocolat.

POA Sculpture Exhibition (UC Fine Arts sculpture group) 19 – 23 August Cathedral Junction Plaza Opening: 5pm on August 19 Wine and canapés to be served Featuring artists: Sean Bosman, Breeane de Bruin, Zoe Crook, Ainsley Hood, Mandy Joass, Erinn Keith, Natilie Kittow, Nina Oberg Humphries, Vanessa Preston, Peter Raven, Lucy Sword, Mary Tamblyn, Greta Van Oyen and Emma Wallbanks.

In addition to this chocolate extravaganza, FrenSoc also hold weekly meetings on Tuesdays at 11am in the Shilling Club. Whether your studying French, love the food and language, or simply want to come along and see what it’s about, everyone is welcome! These coffee meetings are simply a chance to get together and celebrate all things French! In order to get everyone in the chocolate spirit here is our favourite French truffle recipe!

INGREDIENTS · 8 ounces high quality dark chocolate (good ol’ Cadbury’s will do) · 2 tablespoons softened butter · 1/2 cup heavy cream · Unsweetened cocoa

DIRECTIONS Music Club Finals! Acoustic Final Friday 4-7 Bentleys Battle of the Bands Final Friday 7-10 Foundry Come end the term on a high with some epic music! You know you want to…

1. Break the chocolate into small pieces and place in a mixing bowl. On low heat warm the cream and butter until nearly boiling. Pour over chocolate and mix gently and thoroughly. 2. Allow to cool and then cover and refrigerate over night. 3. The next day, using a melon baller (aka hands), scoop the chocolate into balls. Roll the balls in the cocoa and keep refrigerated until ready to serve.      If you feel inspired by our recipe then this in the next step...yes, it is a leopard made out of chocolate. It was made by one of Paris’ most famous chocolatiers.

Event sponsored by:

{ Canta 2014 }

PUZZLE TIME SUDOKU

C R O S SWO R D ACROSS

1. Omen 5. Fall apart 6. Rising air current 7. Delete

Liz’s Quiz

1 7

DOWN

1. Image 2. Gather livestock together 3. Make plain and comprehensible 4. Supporting tower

9 9 6 3 8 7 1 8 5 8 2 4 1 8 7 6 3 2 8 3 4 6 5 3 1 7 4 9

1. How many years have turtles been on earth?

SHOW US YOUR DOODLE

a) 1 million b) 100 million c) over 200 million d) I remember when they first came out.

We’ve had a really tough time giving away our SeJuice vouchers lately. The only guy who really loves this doodle competition is Michael McRae. He gets fired up about it every week. And we’ve all sworn a blood oath to never let him win. It’s just funnier that way. If YOU want to win, tag us into your doodle on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook.

2. In what century was the stapler invented?

a) 17th b) 18th c) 19th d) Bertie used to love it when I’d staple his bits to a crucifix. 3. Where was Alexander Graham Bell born?

#cantadoodle

THIS WEEK’S THEME: The Gym

Liz is Canta’s resident cleaning lady. Wait. That’s a lie. Liz is some blind old blackmailing senile bitch who thinks she can write a quiz instead of doing her job. And now she’s started harassing the new guy in the office. Touching him inappropriately. I’d probably report this to someone, if the ‘new guy’ wasn’t our coat rack.

Last week’s winner is seen here. Please enter. You get a free juice for fuck’s sake.

a) America b) Canada c) Scotland d) Sometimes I don’t remember where I live. 4. Who has scored the most tries for the All Blacks?

a) Jeff Wilson b) Christian Cullen c) Doug Howlett d) One time I tromboned Colin Meads. I think. 5. What is the tallest breed of dog?

a) St Bernard b) Irish Wolfhound c) Great Dane d) It might have been the other one. Brian Lahore. Or maybe both. Anyone who gets 5/5 is eligible to win Liz’s trombone. ANSWERS: 1-C, 2-B, 3-C, 4-C, 5-B

30 { Canta 2014 }

e l b i s n o p Res s r o v i v r u S Riders are motorcycle breakfast

WEDNESDAY 3 SEPTEMBER, 7AM – 8.30AM SPEIGHTʼS ALE HOUSE (263 BEALEY AVENUE)

Hear from multiple speakers and learn about the best routes to take, how you can improve your riding abilities and what will increase your survivability. This is a free event with breakfast provided by the Rock. With over $2000 worth of prizes you would be silly not to come along. Go to www.ccc.govt.nz to register or to find out more details.