February 2008
a monthly
Your Girlfriend’’s Girlfriend Cat! Read The Whole Horrifying Story on Page 8
2
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
3
February 2008 Serving the public in Monterey and Santa Cruz counties or whatever.
Editor’s Note
The Head Fool Speaks Okay, okay! We’re growin’ and it ain’t funny. We have new writers, cartoonists, puzzles, and the catch-all, to be determined, waiting in the wings. We need your help deciding who or what goes and stays. We’ve already decided to take out the Sponsor a Fool column—costs us too much (you do the math, 41 cents postage due for a 25-cent donation). The Help Out An Old Fool survey will disappear in three months, never to return except when too many of our staff are on a binge, off their meds or… The crossword, it’s a pain in the butt to draw all those boxes by hand (we do paper, rock, scissors, every month to see who’s stuck), so let us know, in or out. Email or snail mail us what you think about our regular columnists. Check out the website, www.foolishtimes.net, for a list of places you can pick up a copy of the paper.
I think we have it all covered in this issue. Jason Love discourses on the Stupid Bowl—er, Super Bowl; Rosie Sorenson muses on vanity license plates; John Sammon suspects space aliens; Will Fargo gives us the lowdown on Groundhog Day; Rex considers a valentine for Millie; Robyn recounts the fling that shouldn’t have been; Mary teaches us to defend ourselves against bear and shark attacks; Sarah turns her baby into a sugar monster; Tom Davis teaches he-men to get along with cats; and pictures! We got pictures! Yes, we here at the Foolish Times aim to please each and every one of our readers. (We can’t help it, we’re mostly Libras.) Hope you have a great month, and thanks in advance for your Send Money to Editors Day checks.
P.S. Don’t Forget The Advertisers! Mike M. Head Fool
Editorial Corrections In response to our “Monterey Man Develops Cheap Global Travel” piece, several readers let us know that if you drill straight down from within the 48 US states, you will wind up in the Indian Ocean, not, as our writer stated, in China. We regret being taken seriously.
Table of Incompetence
Mike T. Editorial Fool
So It Goes: Super Bowl................................................ Page 4 Initial Failure ............................................................... Page 5 Sammon Says: Aliens Are Among Us......................... Page 6 Monty Python T-Shirt Winners Announced .............. Page 7 Your Girlfriend’s Cat.................................................Page 8-9 Adventures with Rex ................................................ Page 11 Best of the Inbox .............................................. Page 12 & 19 The Expiration Date .................................................. Page 13 Fool-o-Scope ............................................................. Page 14
What the (bleep) is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Submissions: We’re eager to read your stuff (see the Web site for back issues to get an idea of what we like). Just submit online to editor@foolishtimes.net. However, submissions must be received by the 15th of each month to be considered for the next publication. Snail-mailed submissions should contain provisions for the snail, and a SASE, otherwise it can’t be returned (stamps are thirty-nine cents, for Pete’s sake!). We offer no payment to contributors at this time (we’re saving to buy stamps).
Word Search .............................................................. Page 20 Posing as Normal: Surf & Turf Survival ................... Page 21 Tony’s Ticklers ........................................................... Page 21 Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice ........................................ Page 22 The Fool Crossword Puzzle ...................................... Page 23 Sugar Monster .......................................................... Page 24 Fool Laughs ............................................................... Page 27
List of Fools
Head Fool ..................................................................................................... Mike M. Advertisers: For rate information, email Mike at mike@foolishtimes.net or call 831- Editorial Fool ................................................................................................. Mike T. 648-1038. For rat information, call your exterminator. Layout Fool ................................................................................ Jonathan Rogers Subscriptions: 1 year, $49.00. (That’s a mere $49.00 over the newsstand price. The Foolish Cover Artist ................................................................ Jonathan Rogers extra charge is to bribe someone to trek to the post office and lick all those stamps, and Foolish Contributors: get a beer or three along the way.) Send check or money order made out to Foolish Times, P.O. Box 4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 weeks for first delivery. No kidding. Snails are slow, man. Website: www.foolishtimes.net. For best results, use a computer.
Tom Burns, Tom Davis, Tony Deakin, Will Fargo, Sarah Flake, Robyn Justo, Jason Love, Stephen L. Millich, John Sammon, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt, Ron de Tuna, the Unknown Cartoonist, Clair Voyant
www.foolishtimes.net
4
So It Goes
“Where the hell are those fighter planes?” “Sir, they’re buzzing a football game, sir.”
by Jason Love, Syndicated Humor Columnist
Super Bowl Then come the interviews with players who can barely support their heads for elephantiasis of the ego. And though they struggle with basic inflections of the language, we listen with 300 microphones.
Finally, the ambassador of Zimbabwe tosses the official Super Bowl coin (Taco Bell is heads, Pepsi tails), the kicker boots the pigskin, and slowly we remember that football consists mostly of elephantiacal men untangling from three-yard runs. It’s so predictable that we pee during the game so that we DON’T MISS COMMERCIALS. Half of us don’t even care who wins. We just want the blue team to score two safeties before the half, or the period, or whatever it is, so that our square wins the lottery. Before you know it, a field goal kicker is called away from his cigarette to decide the game and we are left to face the cold, harsh reality: Football will never fill our void.
February 2008
Good Old Fashion Family Food
Black Bear Diner
It is a parade for which we wave our “How does it feel to be going to the flags and shout like the cheerleaders big game?” who themselves aren’t even watching “For me to put it in words, you know, the game! And as the last millionaire somersaults by, we realize that nothing it’s like, DAMN...” has been accomplished. We’re still fighting the same wars and dealing with pollution and giving airtime to Donald Trump. Every year I look forward to the Super Bowl, and every year it’s like eating a TV dinner—always looks better in the picture. Nothing, not even Armageddon, could live up to the hoopla. The pregame show begins three weeks before kickoff, when neckless men begin dissecting the games, going backward week by week till they finally get to the beginning...
“Some of them praise the Lord for aiding their victory, and it’s a little-known fact that most murders and train wrecks occur because God was helping others win football games.”
“Football dates back to the 1800s, when a soccer player decided, on a lark, to pick up the ball and run. Opponents tackled him to the ground, beat him silly, and gave birth to the sport we love toSome of them praise the Lord for aidday.” ing their victory, and it’s a little-known As much as I enjoy football—well, the fact that most murders and train wrecks 12 minutes of actual play time—maybe occur because God was helping others win football games. we’re watching a little too closely... I like to flip between pregame shows “The Patriots are more likely to score to hear from a cross section of experts: on odd weeks when Aries is in the sevWilliam Shatner, Eminem, Sideshow Bob. enth house. For further analysis, we go Brittney Spears even ventured an opinto Shirley MacLaine. Shirley?” ion. Turns out that she only knows about And we gobble it up, gimme, gimme, tight ends. So it goes. gimme. We need the puffery, the sensaYou want spectacle? The Super Bowl tion, some amazing, worldwide THING. delivers fighter planes and drill teams And the footballogists always deliver. and fireworks and clowns and that deaf “For breakfast, Peyton eats Cheerios, woman doing dance interpretation which are made of rolled oats—the through the smoke. Spare no expense. same oats that the opposing coach Somewhere in the distance a military farmed as a schoolboy in Idaho! A fateunit is being pummeled by enemy fire... ful match-up indeed.”
Maybe if the losing team were to forfeit its salary or be kicked out of the country or give us all a back rub, then we wouldn’t feel so dumb holding our beer can smudged in veggie dip. It reminds me of Tom Robbins’s “Skinny Legs and All,” where an exotic dancer was to reveal the meaning of life through her “Dance of the Seven Veils”... on Super Bowl Sunday. Some men tried to run back and forth between the football game and the dance; others watched the dance as best they could, sweating from the conflict. And for me to put it in words, you know, it’s like, DAMN. Jason Love is an award-winning humor columnist, stand-up comedian, and author of “Snapshots: The Big Picture,” available at Amazon.com. Check out more of his work at www.jasonlove.com.
FOOLISH THOUGHT Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Breakfast • Lunch • Dinner Kid Friendly, Comfort Food Open 365 Days Daily Specials
10% Military Discount Gilroy 395 Leavesley Rd. 408-842-9901 Salinas 805 W. Laurel St. 831-449-1545 Carmel 12 Crossroads Center Hwy. 1 at Rio Road 831-624-9640 Vist Our Newest Location
Monterey 2450 North Fremont 831-645-9700
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
Initial Failure
By Rosie Sorenson
Last week, I saw a young woman driv“A little of both, I guess.” ing a small blue sedan with personal“Right. He dumped you. How come?” ized license plates: “LLB SK8”. I couldn’t imagine at her age possessing enough “Uh—don’t you think that’s kinda perfaith in a relationship to have it em- sonal?” bossed on metal for all the world to see. What would she say to the DMV clerk if “Listen, hon, you can talk to me. I hear (or more likely, WHEN) her relationship stories, you know—all kinds. Maybe I ended? Let’s listen in on the conversa- can help.” tion: “Oh. Well, at first he was—you know— “Good afternoon, Department of Mo- it was just about perfect. I thought he tor Vehicles.” was my dream man. But then—he started stayin’ out all night—” “Hi, this is Linda—” “You mean you let him move in with “Yes, Miss Barnes, how can I help you? This ‘Mr. SK8?’ you?” “Excuse me, ma’am, but how did you know my name?” “You called our 800 number.” “Oh, right. Caller ID.” “Wonders of technology, eh?” “I guess so. Uh, listen, I need to make a change—in my license plate—you know—get a new one?” “Was the old one lost or stolen?”
“Your current license plate—‘LLB SK8’—dead giveaway. You must have been in love with SOMEBODY to order a special plate like that. What happened?”
“Well, no, it’s just that—” “Ah, the relationship crashed, did it?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Big mistake. I say, don’t let ‘em move in ‘til you got a big rock on your finger “Your current license plate— and the date set.” ‘LLB SK8’—dead giveaway. You must “Uh-uh—well, what do YOU know? I have been in love with SOMEBODY to order a special plate like that. What hap- mean, have you ever been in love so bad you’d do—you’d do—WHATEVER—? ” pened?” “What?”
“Look, hon, do the words ‘rode hard and put away wet’ mean anything to “Hmm. I can see from our records that you?” this is your fifth license change in three “No.” years.” “It just didn’t work out.”
“That many? Guess I musta lost track.”
“Well, that’s how my friends describe me—on a good day. I’ve been around “Did he dump you, or did you dump the block with men so many times it’s HIM?” not even funny.” “Excuse me?”
“Oh. I’m sorry. I get so—I just can’t stop cryin’—you’d think by now that—” “It’s not a trick question, Miss Barnes. Did you dump him, or did he dump “You’d get used to it?” you?”
“Yeah.”
5 the last two men—it did hurt a little, though—”
“Honey, the heart don’t like being tore “My advice? Don’t settle in with any up like that, never has, never will. It’s a shame how that works—a cryin’ shame. old guy until you find the one that By the way, what happened to the guy wants to put YOUR initials on HIS license before that— ‘Mr. BGBY’—uh, Big Boy?” plate!”
“Huh. You know, ma’am, you got me “He—uh, didn’t work much, but that wasn’t so bad because I knew he was to thinking—how about something like, trying, but then I found stuff, you know, oh, I don’t know—‘M-Y-W-Y-O-R-H-Wdrug stuff in his truck and then he got Y’? Can you get me one like that ?” mad—said I was snoopin’ on him—” “Now you’re talkin’, hon! ‘My Way Or The Highway!’ You’ll have it next week.” “Oh, boy.” “Do you think I’m pathetic?” Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle, the Contra Costa Times, and the Berkeley Daily Planet. Her essays have also been broadcast on KQED-FM as part of its Perspectives series. Her essay “Safe “Desperate?” Haven” was named Listener Favorite for “Well, three years, five different license 2006. She won Honorable Mention in plates? Guess it could have been worse, the Erma Bombeck International Writthough. You could have had their names ing Contest. Her work also appears in tattooed on your butt or something—” the upcoming 25th Anniversary edition of Mobius, the Poetry Journal. Readers “Uh—” can read more of her work at www.damngoodwriters.com. “No! Oh, my, that’s gotta hurt—especially getting them removed—not to mention the expense and—” “That’s not the word I’d use, hon. You seem young, is all. Young in the head, young in the heart—and a tad desperate.”
“Only two—I only got tattoos for
www.foolishtimes.net
6
February 2008
an errand, and there, right there, one of Before you can answer, Tranisiuc thugs the inmates who was off his medication step out from behind your shrubbery spilled the beans, confessed the whole and whisk you away. thing. Your alien double takes your place. They’re among us! They’re taking over. You disappear. Forever. I have the proof!
S
ammon ays by John Sammon
Aliens Are Among Us
It can now be revealed. They’re taking over the world. They’re living and working among us. The aliens of the Tranisiuc. This is no drill. This is the real McCoy. I’m telling the world in the hope we can do something before it’s too late. I saw this guy at the automatic outside bank teller tearing up his receipt into a hundred pieces. That’s how it started. I was suspicious. So I retrieved some of the pieces.
The government knows all about it. The Tranisiuc. A race of aliens from space who have been landing here and They’ve been briefed. But to deflect infiltrating our society by adapting our panic among the general public, they’ve looks (I haven’t figured out how they kept us in the dark. adapt our looks, but I will). What do the Tranisiuc want? That’s if they don’t get me first. According to the guy at the rest home, They’re posing in certain professions. they want to enslave us to get our oil reThat’s their scheme to take over. Jobs serves. It seems they have an incomplete that allow them access to records, your anal system in which petroleum acts as records. What professions you ask? Common ones. Blue and white collar jobs, like car mechanic. When you drop your car off to get it fixed, that gives the aliens plenty of time to rifle through your glove compartment, and check your checkbook, registration, and other documents. The guy at my car repair place who won’t talk to me, and looks at me oddly when I ask him a simple question about whether he can get me a cheaper part for a repair.
“If there are eight hundred cars in a parking lot, when I go to get in my car, the only other person in that lot getting into their car at the same time is the one right next to mine.”
a linking laxative, allows them to more completely go to the bathroom. They have enslaved other planets for their oil reserves. Now, it’s our turn. We must demand a full investigation by our government, and a pre-emptive strike against the Tranisiuc. If I disappear… if the Tranisiuc kidnap me and take me to their planet… remember. I tried to warn you.
You can read more articles at: www.sammonsays.com
Opinionated? Skilled with artistic and satirical flair? (Heck, we’ll even settle for droll, mildly vitriolic and handy with a pen.) Submit your cartoons to: editor@foolishtimes.net
Now for the First Time in Monterey Presenting the Delightful World of America’s Foremost Painter of Americana
Jane Wooster Scott
He’s one of them. I know it.
Also, the woman in your school’s home room, the receptionist. She can quiz your kid about you. She has access Written on the paper were the letters to records on you. Where you live, what L R L R L R L R L R L R L. you do. It was in code.
How did I know? It took me seven But these are just the advance guard. weeks to tape the pieces back together. More are coming. It was in code.
They are ferrying in agents from their mysterious planet. The other night I was Ever since then, I have been followed. enjoying a martini, and saw a diamondIt happens time and again. If there are shaped pattern of ten of their craft flyeight hundred cars in a parking lot, when ing in a tight formation. I go to get in my car, the only other person in that lot getting into their car at They were headed for San Francisco. the same time is the one right next to This is how they take over. A double mine. of you shows up at your door, saying You think this is a coincidence? they’re working their way through college, and asks you if you want to buy an Finally, I went to an old-age home on encyclopedia.
Special Guest Artist Presentation Featuring an Extensive Collection of Framed Limited Edition Serigraphs at Very Special Collector’s price
Nelson Ocean Art Outlet
American Tin Cannery Outlets 125 Ocean View Boulevard Suite 127 • 831-641-0196
February 2008
www.foolishtimes.net
7
MONTY PYTHON T-SHIRT WINNERS ANNOUNCED!!! Abe enjoyed the show. He did not sit Foolish Times Publisher Mike Miele Regular readers of this paper (and what a sorry lot you are) know that Foolish in the balcony. and his date for the evening, a rabbit Times presented “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” on the opening night of Goldwith a vicious streak a mile wide. en State Theatre’s International Film Week back in November. Yesterday we remembered to draw the names for the Monty Python t-shirt giveaway. And who are the lucky winners? Why, they are none other than Will Siegfried and Christopher Hahn. Will and Christopher, please pick up your t-shirts at the Golden State Theatre box office. Be prepared to show a photo ID and answer the question, “What is your favorite color?” Trust us, you don’t want to give the wrong answer. Now, on with the pictures from the event.
And now for something completely Two theatre goers enjoy the film. To different: a man in a tiger mask throwthe left are two humans. ing a football.
Sir John Cleese surprised everyone by making an appearance. He was standing right under this sign when this photo was taken.
Fool’s Quote
A Foolish Times fan registers for the tshirt giveaway. He lost.
What a lovely display. Then the crowds came. And miraculously, the display remained the same.
“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.” - Cynthia Heimel
8
www.foolishtimes.net
Your Girlfriend’s Cat
by Tom Davis
Cats have about 40 million more olfacLet’s call her Muffy. The cat, not your girlfriend. Why Muffy? It just seems like tory cells than you do, so they can smell a good name for an utterly repugnant you coming. creature. The cat, not your girlfriend. Remember that the cat, being the She hisses at you. She swipes at you if snakelike little mutant creature you alyou try to pet her. She hops up on the ready knew it to be, lacks a true collarcoffee table to block your view of that bone and can squeeze itself through fourth-and-inches play.When you’re get- holes little bigger than its head. You, on ting into it hot and heavy with your girl- the other hand, can barely zip your jeans friend, she climbs between you. You’re after a Guinness. pretty sure she’s saving that special hair The cat can leap five times its own for your next pizza slice, and you’re pretty sure it comes from the least desirable height and run 30 miles per hour. You, on the other hand, can leap about a quarter of body areas. inch and generally take the elevator. You love your girlfriend, but her cat… The cat can walk blithely along fence Her cat is a problem. What’s a cat-hating tops and twist 180 degrees in midhe-man like yourself to do? pounce. It has a bite unlike anything Well, considering that a poll in “Men’s you’ve seen since Holyfield-Tyson II. Health” magazine indicated that 78% of Its weapon of choice is its retractable women wouldn’t continue in a relationclaws. If your girlfriend’s cat is declawed, ship with a man if he did not tolerate their cat, you’re probably going to have remember that it still has 30 pointy teeth, with nary a flat grinding molar to get along with Muffy. among them. Your girlfriend says Muffy’s Following are seven strategies for a sweetie-pie? Well, inform her that her keeping the peace with your girlfriend’s little sweetie-pie uses four special teeth, cat. But first, you must know your en- appropriately called the killing teeth, to find the position on the prey’s backemy. bone that will enable it to dislocate the KNOW YOUR ENEMY vertebrae with a sudden bite. Realize that you’re dealing with a Above all, remember that the cat’s hunter whose prime hunting periods most potent weapon is psychology. The are just before dawn and just after dusk. cat is a reservoir of palace intrigue, and Consider yourself warned against sneak you, my friend, are in its palace. attacks as you stumble to the bathroom STRATEGY 1—DRAW A BEAD ON THE at six a.m. CAT Those cool night-vision glasses the “The first thing is to try to draw a bead Army uses? Cats are born with them, the reflective layer of the eye (called the on the cat,” says Carolyn Janik, co-author tapetum) serving to enhance any light of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Living that reaches the retina. Like a ninja, the with a Cat.” cat can use darkness against you. Whoa, cowboy. Put down the Glock
Downtown Old Monterey Farmers Market Every Tuesday Rain or Shine Winter hours 4-7pm See Ya There
February 2008
If you are in a love-me-love-my-cat re9mm. It’s called a metaphor, and Janik simply means that you must gauge the lationship, like it or not, you’re going to cat’s personality so that you are better have to interact with the cat. And suffice it to say that a guy who treats the cat armed in dealing with it. like a lower life form will not score high As a general rule, you ace your intro- marks with a cat-loving woman. duction to a cat by stooping slightly and “A man who won’t let the cat sleep on extending a hand; the cat will sniff your hand the same way it sniffs its own turd in the bed is a man who will be sleeping the litter box before pawing over it. With alone,” says one of my female cat-ownany luck the cat won’t like you and will ing friends. Don’t even try to argue this turn into the hide-whenever-you-come- logic. If she’s worth it, a pillow covered around kind. But don’t be surprised if the in cat hair is a small price to pay. So your cat’s curious nature expands to include best bet is to bite the bullet that you you. You may even find yourself a little were going to use on Muffy, and make flattered by its attentions. DO NOT LET room for kitty. DOWN YOUR GUARD. Remember—first When talking to a cat, imagine that they play with your shoestrings, then you are addressing the feline incarnathey play with your head. tion of Don Rickles. I say this not to enNever, I repeat, NEVER reach for the courage sarcasm or insults, but to discat, pick up the cat, or in any way en- courage them. For I am here to tell you croach upon the cat. Let the cat come to that if you attempt to match wits with you. Also, calling for a cat will do little to a cat, you will lose. The cat invented sarendear it to you and gives it the perfect casm and can bury you with a single look. Remember: If a cat had a middle opportunity to ignore you. finger, he would use it. Cats respond to higher-pitched voices The cat knows that revenge is a dish (hence their partiality toward women), so your Michael Jackson impersonation best served cold. It could be weeks before retaliation happens, but happen it will come in handy here. will. Cats lay more vomit than US Rail Like you, the cat likes to have its back lays track, and they have a way of knowscratched. A gentle scratch between the ing where you’ll be walking two hours ears will also win you points. The cat may from now. Cats have also been known even fall over in an ecstasy of loving, in- to use urine as a weapon when they are, viting you to scratch its stomach. THIS IS well, pissed. A TRAP. Do not fall for it unless you have Some men make the mistake of thinkfingers to spare. ing Muffy is really just Fido packed into STRATEGY 2—INTERACT WITH THE an odd, alienlike form. Another big CAT mistake. They are two different species and act like it. Dogs and cats will both You may think that the best way to roll over to show submissiveness, but get along with the cat is to ignore it. Big whereas dogs like a belly scratch, and mistake. will lie there grinning like an imbecile
The Unknown Cartoonist
Continued On Page 9
February 2008 Continued From Page 8
www.foolishtimes.net STRATEGY 6—HELP WITH THE CAT
File this one under The Things We Do while you do it, a cat will be more likely to give you a demonstration of the clas- For Love. sic Pincers Movement: a paw from the Helping with the cat does not make east, a paw from the west, and let the you a hypocrite. What it makes you is bloodletting begin. gruffly loveable. Feel free to mutter under your voice as you carry the cat STRATEGY 3—GIFT THE CAT in the pet cage to the vet. If the houseWhy would you gift the cat? To para- bound cat makes a break through the phrase the great military strategist and open door, gamely give chase. If the cat general Sun-tzu, keep your friends close is stuck up a tree, play Superman. If the and your furry little enemies closer. And cat scratches you, apologetically say, “It the cat, a Machiavel on many levels, is must’ve been something I did.” not above a little paw greasing now and What’s the single best way to help then. with the cat? Cleaning out that little That said, not all cats like all toys. In taste of hell called the litter box. As you keeping with its finicky nature, a cat will pan for gold, remind yourself that, in the turn up its nose at the pricey adorable words of poet Robert Hayden, you are gift you thought perfect in favor of a performing one of love’s austere and twist tie off a loaf of bread. Before doing lonely offices. (He wasn’t talking about any gift shopping, wad up a piece of tin- dealing with cat turds, but it applies. In foil and throw it; if the cat goes nuts, you fact, it applies MORE.) save twenty bucks. STRATEGY 7—SUPPORT THE CAT Gifting is also a great way to patch up a relationship if you’ve already had When you support the cat, you do a falling out. “Bribe the cat,” Janik says what most women complain most men bluntly. don’t do: work on the relationship. I am not overstating this: Support the cat, STRATEGY 4—KILL THE CAT. WITH and you support your relationship. KINDNESS! Think of the cat as a daily trial you You want to kill Muffy, do you? Then must overcome, like dealing with Ted in kill it! With kindness! Financing or the human resources ditz who has misplaced your resume AGAIN. If cats were stock investors, their stratSimply resolve yourself to dealing with egy would be contrarian. They know life’s little unpleasantnesses, like the ocwhat you think they should do, and concasional cat hair that somehow materisequently do the opposite. When you alized on the lip of your pilsner glass. and your girlfriend are snuggling, the cat suddenly appears, suddenly your friend, Be supportive when the cat is experiand climbs between you, the key word encing a crisis. Remember that declawbeing “between.” However, you can use ing is an invasive operation, and keep the cat’s strategy against it. Simply hug the defurring, detoothing, and deheadit to you and say something along these ing jokes to yourself. Let’s not even get lines: “God bwess its widdle heart. Isn’t into neutering. And if (God forbid!) the it pwecious?” The cat will not be able to cat should pass on, be there for your get out of there fast enough. girlfriend. Remember, there are no small If the cat hisses at you? Turn the other tragedies. cheek, my friend. Your girlfriend will see Finally, remind yourself that the world 1) you making an effort, and 2) the cat is not kind to cats either. Most cats live being the petulant little ass it is. When only 10-15 years, so if you have to jusit comes down to you or the cat, you tify your support in some way, realize want to make sure it’s the cat who’s in that both of you, ultimately, are screwed. the doghouse. Slip the cat some tuna on the side (not STRATEGY 5—INQUIRE ABOUT THE a lot—the protein-rich dish might result in a nasty surprise on the carpet) and an CAT occasional spot of milk. You might even This one is simply good manners. You discover, while sipping a Guinness and ask about her parents, her co-workers, watching Monday Night Football with a her boss; ask about the cat. Don’t be cat curled up in your lap, that Muffy resarcastic. Don’t be cute. Simply say, “And ally isn’t so bad. how’s Muffy?” That’s it. Let her ramble on Tom Davis is a freelance writer and on. Say “Uh-huh” and “Really?” in the whose work has appeared in a appropriate places. She will appreciate bunch of journals you’ve probyour listening in the same way you apably never heard of. He lives with preciate her listening when you need to his girlfriend and two cats and they vent about why Pitino couldn’t hack it in manage to get along just fine. Boston or why Larry was an underrated Stooge.
9
10
Real Guys Don’t Give Helpful Hints
www.foolishtimes.net
By Jason Offutt
There was a large box of Pop-Ice in the did I suddenly feel like a girl? freezer of my buddy’s shop fridge. “Because,” a voice in my head said, a It wasn’t a big deal. I mean, it was Pop- voice that sounded strangely like my Ice, not a nice bottle of Chardonnay he wife’s, “you’re acting like one.” was chilling for the figure skating comWe stood there, but not too close, as petition later. I was just surprised. The awkwardly as two guys who have to contents of a shop fridge are typically sit without a seat between them at the beer, beer, summer sausage, beer, bottles of bovine antibiotics, and maybe if movie theater. you’re lucky, beer. In the freezer, there’s “If you put on Chap Stick before you frost. eat Buffalo wings,” I said,“your lips won’t Pop-Ice is the kind of thing in the freez- burn.” er of your kitchen fridge. You bought it My buddy thought about it a second, as a treat for the kids in July because then nodded. the day was hot and the kids ate exactly three. Now it’s February and the Pop“I’ll try that,” he said. Ice is buried in the back of the freezer behind the hamburger, ice cream, and a brick of foil that’s been there so long you’ve forgotten what it is. “What’s with the Pop-Ice?” I asked my buddy after grabbing a beer. I wasn’t prepared for his answer. A guy who loves the NFL, NASCAR, and shooting some of God’s most tasty creatures gave me a hint. A helpful hint. The kind of hint you get from chick magazines and Heloise. “They’re for the beer cooler,” he said. “The Pop-Ice keeps the beer cold, and you can refreeze the ones your kids don’t eat.”
“This is the kind of thing women shared with each other. The only thing guys share are tools, stories about days when we had hair, and knowing nods when a cute girl walks by. We don’t share handy tips.”
I looked around to see if we were alone. This is the kind of thing women shared with each other. The only thing Yeah, I’d given another guy a helpful guys share are tools, stories about days when we had hair, and knowing nods hint, but it was about something manly when a cute girl walks by. We don’t share like Buffalo wings. I think I would have been safe if I would have said somehandy tips. thing about fixing the wings, too, but I I just hoped he didn’t tell me how to didn’t want to push it. get grease out of my work shirts. Then we started talking about cars “That’s a good idea,” I said. and cheerleaders, and everything was right with the universe. Yeah, it was. So why was I suddenly uncomfortable? Would I feel more comJason is the author of “Hauntfortable if it was a bad idea? What else, I ed Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to wondered, were we going to say? Missouri’s Most Spirited Spots.” FREE SHIPPING when you order The shop was as quiet as a horror online at: https://tsup.truman.edu/ movie when the creepy music stops. store/ViewBook.aspx?Book=849. Was he expecting a tip from me? Did I Visit Jason’s Web site, www.jasonofneed to give a tip? Did I have tip? Why futt.com, for his other books.
February 2008
Low Cost Tree Service Tree Removal • Stump Removal • Trimming • FireWood Replanting • Lot Clearing • FREE WOOD CHIPS Honest, Personal Service With Over 25 Years Experience
Free Estimates
Cypress Coast TREE SERVICE
(831) 869 8470
Foolish Shorts A senior citizen said to his eighty-year-old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?” “Yep!” “Do I know her?” “Nope!” “This woman, is she goodlooking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
Getting Married?
“Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.” “Well, then, is she good in bed?” “I don’ t know.” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?” “Because she can still drive!”
February 2008
www.foolishtimes.net
11
I lived with her. Both nights. I guess she down over the edge of the couch. His could only stand so much canned Dinty chops hung open in total abandonment. Moore Beef Stew and Pop Tarts.” He half-closed his eyes and was making choking noises. Rex seemed to take interest in this leg of my marathon, but I realized he was “Forget it, Rex. I know you’re faking it. just stretching. You’re not choking and I’m not going to give you the Heimlich maneuver like “See, the thing to remember Rex, is . I did in the McDonald’s parking lot. Be. .” Rex had nodded off. A tactic he fre- have yourself. I’m trying to help you. Oh, quently uses as hint for me to shut up forget it.” and feed him. I ignored him. “See, the thing you have to remember is to get a I got up and left him to his silly divergift that truly reflects your feelings for sions. He could get his own gift for MilMillie. Do you want a gift that says, ‘I will lie. I’ve got to hand it to him, though—at love your forever,’ or maybe something least he has a girlfriend. Me? Maybe next less committal, such as ‘Want to look for year. By Tom Burns cat turds together?’ or maybe something more casual, such as, ‘Want to sniff A few years ago I picked up Rex at each other’s butts?’” the dog pound. He’s a small black Dachshund, and my life hasn’t been the same since. If Rex were the RoadRunner, I would be Wile E. Coyote. If Rex were Stan Laurel, I would be Oliver Hardy. I can never win . . . I can never win.
Adventures With Rex
GIFT GAB “Rex, it’s time to think about a Valentine’s gift for Millie. She’s your main squeeze, so we have to get an appropriate gift for her. Last year’s Valentine was a dud, if you recall. We got her a cow bone to gnaw on, remember? Half a femur, I believe. She felt the ‘cow’ implication was a comment on her size. Females don’t like any gift with the word ‘cow’ involved, Rex. The fact that she’s an English sheepdog and is ‘big boned’ didn’t help, either.”
“Once I had to alter the last card in the drugstore—a Get Well card—into a Valentine’s card. It was in Spanish, too.”
Rex had rolled over onto his back, wagging his tail, indicating I should interrupt the riveting conversation and scratch his belly.
“No, Rex. Listen, we’ve got to get this Valentine’s thing off your To Do list and not wait until midnight of February My canine companion sat next to me 13th, like I did for my girlfriends. The on the couch as our conversation pro- good cards are gone by then. Once I had gressed. to alter the last card in the drugstore—a Get Well card—into a Valentine’s card. It “I imagine clothing is a bad idea, too. was in Spanish, too.” Anything she could squeeze into would have to be a Large or XLarge, and you Rex had put his paws over his eyes—a would just lose more yardage with that, feeble attempt to close me out of his as well.” world. Rex looked as if he was pondering the “Knock it off, Rex. We’ve got to get a possibilities, but in fact, he was probably gift for Millie. My God, she has everywondering how long it was until dinner- thing a guy could want! Silky hair, bright time. eyes, pleasant disposition. Shoot, if she wasn’t a dog, I’d ask her out myself!” “Now Rex, I’ve had my share of Valentine’s with women over the years. It Rex uncovered his eyes and stared at can be a treacherous slope, pal. I once me. I think I had crossed a line with him I bought a girl a book on Proper Tire Ro- shouldn’t have. tation and a set of crescent wrenches. “Well, you know. I was just speaking She seemed ungrateful. I was hurt. One word led to another and before I knew figuratively. Don’t get your hackles up. it, she kicked me out of her trailer. Lived How about a nice dog tag? ‘With Love in my truck until I met Dakota. I wised up from Rex?’ ‘Rex and Millie Forever?’ and got Dakota a matching can opener- ‘You’re a Fine Canine?’ Hmmm?” toaster set. She LOVED it. She let me use Rex was hanging his head upside them to make dinner for her every night
Fool’s Quote “You can always tell a real friend. When you’ve made a fool of yourself, he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.” - Laurence J. Peter
Rex Keeps Us Busy! His Poop is Our Bread and Butter! We take great pride in helping you to preserve the beauty and safety of your home and property. By removing your pet’s waste for you, we eliminate the most unpleasant aspect of pet ownership at a surprisingly low cost!
831-393-0362 or 831-917-0209
www.CoyoteScoop.com
Foolish Animal Photos Send us your foolish animal photo and we’ll provide a caption! Thanks to Velvet and Daniel for this photo of their dog, Maxfield Leaf Van Morrison.
Love your paper! That Rex makes me howl!
www.foolishtimes.net
12
Best of the Inbox
AIDS.
The first invests in a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets Bottle caps have always been screw- her hair done, new makeup, buys sevoff and plastic. eral new outfits, dresses up very nicely The CD was introduced the year they for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him were born. because she loves him so much. The They have always had an answering man is impressed. machine. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set They have always had cable. A virtual smorgasbord of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his of jokes and otherwise They cannot fathom not having a re- computer, and some expensive clothes. funny stories e-mailed mote control. As she presents these gifts, she tells him to Foolish Times. that she has spent all the money on him Jay Leno has always been on the “To- because she loves him so much. Again, night Show.” the man is impressed.
1977-2007 This is for those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
February 2008
1977: Screw the system.
Popcorn has always been cooked in The third invests the money in the the microwave. stock market. She earns several times 2007: Upgrade the system. 1977: Long hair. the $5,000. She gives him back his They never took a swim and thought $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in 1977: Disco. about “Jaws.” 2007: Longing for hair. a joint account. She tells him that she 2007: Costco. They can’t imagine what hard contact wants to save for their future because 1977: KEG. she loves him so much. Obviously, the lenses are. 1977: Parents begging you to get your man is impressed. 2007: EKG. hair cut. They don’t know who Mork was or The man thought for a long time 1977: Acid rock. where he was from. 2007: Children begging you to get about what each woman had done with their heads shaved. 2007: Acid reflux. They never heard: “Where’s the Beef?”, the money he’d given her. Then... “I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “De plane, 1977: Passing the driver’s test. 1977: Moving to California because it’s He married the one with the biggest Boss, de plane!” cool. breasts. 2007: Passing the vision test. They do not care who shot J. R. and 2007: Moving to Arizona because it’s Men are like that, you know. have no idea who J. R. even is. 1977: Whatever. warm. There is more money being spent on McDonald’s never came in Styrofoam 2007: Depends. 1977: Trying to look like Liz Taylor. breast implants and Viagra today than containers. on Alzheimer’s research. This means that 2007: Trying NOT to look like Liz TayFEELING OLD? They don’t have a clue how to use a by 2040, there should be a large elderly lor. population with wonderfully working Just in case you weren’t feeling too old typewriter. equipment and absolutely no recollectoday, this will certainly change things. 1977: Seeds and stems. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to tion of what to do with it. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to other old fogies who will appreciate 2007: Roughage. give the faculty a sense of the mindset it. It’s good to have friends who know ABOUT MOMS 1977: Hoping for a BMW. of this year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s about these things and are still alive and Answers given by second-grade kicking! this year’s list: school children to the following ques2007: Hoping for a BM. tions: The people who are starting college CHOOSING A WIFE 1977: Going to a new, hip joint. this fall across the nation were born in Why did God make mothers? A man wanted to get married. He was 1989. having trouble choosing among three 2007: Receiving a new hip joint. 1. She’s the only one who knows where They are too young to remember the likely candidates. He gives each woman 1977: Rolling Stones. a present of $5,000 and watches to see space shuttle blowing up. what they do with the money. Continued On Page 19 2007: Kidney stones. Their lifetime has always included
Expose Your Biz!
Affordable, Targeted, Local Advertising Local Search Engine & Free Local WiFi Access
277.2669
Help Fight This Disease! It’s called Attrition! Poor, ill-prepared businesses right here in your own county suffer from attrition each day. Although attrition may be a slow process, it is persistent, and its effect can be deadly to a business. But there is hope. For as little as $40 a month, you can stay-off this persistent killer. Don’t let your business become another statistic. Call today. (831) 648.1038
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
The
Expiration Date
By Robyn Justo
The Legend of a Modern-Day Cowboy People tell you all you need to know about them within the first twenty-four hours. On our first date, an ex-boyfriend told me that he was a pathological liar. It was the only time he ever told me the truth. With the weekend fast approaching, I accept a “safe” date from an older man whose online photos look acceptable, but not outstanding. During our first phone call, he admits that he is merely looking for an occasional date, nothing serious or sexual. I don’t expect anything more than a quick dinner and superficial conversation on a Saturday night. His name brings up images of an old-time gunslinger and I can’t imagine ever screaming it out loud in the heat of passion, so I feel safe. His moves are slow and deliberate as he makes his entrance into the restaurant, like a reticent cowboy pushing his way through the wooden doors of a Wild West saloon in a spaghetti western. I’m expecting George Burns, but as oxymoronic as it might sound, at sixtytwo this guy is a hottie. He’s attractive, engaging, and has a delightfully dry sense of humor. He tells me that he’s not very deep and that he doesn’t care much about the truth. I giggle like a hormonally charged teenager. I assume he’s teasing. He’s not.
ing on my every word. All the time I’m wondering if he might be surgically enhanced, maybe nipped and tucked or tucked and rolled at his age. Regardless, this salt-and-peppered, baby-blue-eyed stranger has my attention. He excuses
“His moves are slow and deliberate as he makes his entrance into the restaurant, like a reticent cowboy pushing his way through the wooden doors of a Wild West saloon in a spaghetti western.” himself for a restroom break and I notice the physique, 44-inch chest (so he says) with the rest fully packed. I’m starting to feel a little weak in the knees. The evening ends with a long, passionate kiss. He seems smitten and asks to see me again. I tell him to give me a call. This is my sorry attempt at being coy. We meet for coffee the next day. Later that week, he arrives at my door with three yellow roses and an umbrella that he has designed, a Star Wars version with a shaft that lights. He looks like he stepped out of the AARP edition of GQ magazine. I’m enjoying the attention and slowly forgetting the twenty-fourhour rule, along with my name. My toe is in the water now, but I have no idea how strong the riptides are.
Call it journalistic curiosity or romantic masochism, but I want to know more. As a child I used to stick bobby pins in electrical outlets and swallow jacks if this helps my case. He admits to four marriages, cheating, being in recovery, and walking out on a diabetic date as she was giving herself an insulin shot in the restroom. I’m still there and the thought of backpedaling out the back door hasn’t entered my mind. This guy might By the end of the week, he is hinting not be boyfriend material, but he’s quite about intimacy, although his profile is an interesting character. And how can I still online and he admits to his addicdrown in such shallow waters? tion to looking at women. He asks me to meet his son, an adorable seven-yearHe seems fascinated by the fact that old who writes music and counsels his I’m a writer and can hold a conversation. dad on the inappropriate use of profanHe slowly leans across the table, hang- ity. I’m starting to think that I might have
more in common with the seven-yearold and start backpedaling. He feels me slipping away, reluctantly closes his online profiles, professes his feelings, and asks for an exclusive relationship. The knees go out from under me. The following week is glorious. Although he is a busy and quite elusive fellow with a very full plate, I’m uncharacteristically content to be the appetizer. He tells me how he prefers sleeping and vacationing alone and for some reason I ignore the inherent warnings and distancing techniques. In order to earn my trust (his words), he admits to covert behavior, undercover work, under the covers work, and dishonest business dealings. By this time, I’m starting to have Mafia nightmares and worry that my friends might be seeing my picture on the back of a milk carton. Like any normal, red-blooded (and wants to keep it) woman would do, I start to ask a few questions after some unexplained disappearances and obvious omissions.
13 confused. Is it about Getting the Love You Want, Keeping the Love You Find, or Mind, Find (or Hard-to-Find) and Bind? I’m out of my mind. Sometimes I am like the bull with the matador. I run toward the red flags instead of away from them. I’ve sidestepped psychological landmines, been attracted to bad boys, seen my flaws mirrored in my partner, and noticed the similarities between my dates and my Dad. I could always find the bent needle in the haystack. But with the years passing and the pool of available men quickly evaporating, where does one draw the line?
At this age, it is obvious that I need to make better choices and ones that aren’t motivated by the fear of being alone on a Saturday night. This sixty-two-yearold cowboy should have kept his gun in his holster. I should have stuck to my guns and remembered the twenty-fourhour rule. Or, like that little girl years ago with a fascination for electrical outlets, “I don’t answer to anyone,” he says who walked away with a pouty lip and coldly and dismissively. (Exit stage left.) blackened fingers, I might end up with bruised feelings and a broken heart. Someone recently asked me why I would start a relationship that I knew Copyright 2008 Robyn Justo would end. All of them end sometime, I thought. Ok, so I’m guilty. But something tells me that I am not alone. I’ve read all the self-help books and find myself
14
www.foolishtimes.net
by Clair Voyant
February birthdays The candles on your cake provide the séance-like atmosphere that enables you to channel the spirits of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper, who do a birthday tribute to you on The Day Your Youth Died. ARIES (3/21-4/19) This February falls on a leap year, which proves to be the perfect escape for you, the adventurous Arian. In a leap year, which only happens every four years, a comet breaks through the earth’s atmosphere, temporarily opening a portal to another world where reality TV shows do not exist. TAURUS (4/20-5/20) Ask yourself a question during Dump Your Significant Jerk Week: “Out of all the jerks in my life, who is the most significant?” Don’t be surprised if it’s hard to pick just one. GEMINI (5/21-6/21) You shouldn’t have any problems with Be Humble Day, as you are modest and unassuming by nature. However, be on guard on Charles Dickens Day, when your suppressed memories of slogging through “Great Expectations” in seventh grade come back to haunt you in the form of three ghosts. CANCER (6/22-7/22) Let go of the past this Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day. There is no whiteout to remove those pictures of you on the Internet. But look on the bright side— not many people will recognize you by that mole on your [censored]. LEO (7/23-8/22) You’ve always thought bigger than most would dare. So, this month, take the creative opportunity to reinvent yourself on Who Shall I Be Day. But, you might not want to try out your new Lambchop persona at your macho buddy’s Super Bowl party.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22) Never one to hurt your parents’ feelings, you’ve always shied away from your secret desire to celebrate Get a Different Name Day. But this month, put the niceties aside and meditate until your true name comes to you like a vision of madness, the one name that reflects your alter ego: Snotty Wafflechunks. SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) Use your dislike of the establishment and convention to promote a little known but monumental cause: Move Hollywood (& Broadway) to Lebanon, Pennsylvania Day. Just imagine the endless opportunities for Amish extras and bologna and Wertz candy product placements!
Spot The Differences!
At a glance, these two photos look alike. However, the one on the bottom has been subtly altered using sophisticated, high-tech computer software. Can you spot the differences? Answers on page 33!
Photo 1
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) This month, your optimism comes in handy on Do a Grouch a Favor Day. Do whatever it takes to make a grouch grin. One word of advice, which came to me last night after watching a certain DVD: watching a computer-animated Underdog rap may make a grouch groan. CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) This Valentine’s Day, fight your miserly tendencies by giving your sweetie two boxes of candy hearts instead of one. And no, they don’t make dollar-off coupons for a 59-cent box of candy. AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18) This month, you will experience a disturbing spiritual awakening when Punxsutawney Phil awakens from his winter snooze, pops out of his den, and shares with you the ultimate meaning of life, which will cause you to seek psychological care for an unspecified duration of time.
PISCES (2/19-3/20) This month, allow your kindness to extend to your neighbors. I know you say you’ve celebrated it all along, but I’m afraid you’ve been getting it all wrong. The holiday is, technically, VIRGO (8/23-9/22) Open your heart this month on Make Wave ALL Your Fingers (as in, hello) At a Friend Day. Don’t be afraid to show Your Neighbors Day… and share your emotional vulnerability, although sobbing on the shoulder of the bagger at the grocery store over the price of kiwi might be going a bit far.
February 2008
Photo 2
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
Your Local Connection to Home Grown Goods: Dark Ale from Carmel Valley Brewery • Wines from local vineyards: Parsonage, Heller Estate, Slazay, Bernardus Lodge, Kovack Brothers, Boete, Galante & Zealer Neil’s Pure Honey Locally Grown • Carmel Valley Olive Oil • Hard to find local organic juices Fresh Bagel Bakery bagels • Fresh Local bread delivered daily by Kelly’s Bakery and Sumano’s Bakery Gizdich Pies are available (when you can catch them on the shelf!)
Hot
The al Annu t First ng Contes i t a Dog E
Winner!
Trafton Chandler of Carmel Valley Ate 9 hotdogs in 12 minutes.
15
16
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
February 2008
www.foolishtimes.net
17
Love your home with freshly cleaned carpets by Excel Carpet & Upholstery!
Home is where the heart is, so the saying goes. So show a little bit of love to your casa and have those carpets cleaned by the professionals at Excel Carpet & Upholstery Cleaning. We’ll bring the right amount of T.L.C. to get your carpets and upholstery looking their very best. When Cupid gets ready to strike, don’t ruin the moment with dirty carpet! We love our fellow Fools!
567 Ortiz Ave, Sand City — Call us today at (831) 899Ǧ6518
This Could Be Your Ad. Expose your business in to over 45, 000 readers, throughout Monterey & Santa Cruz Counties. So call already! Now! Go Ahead! What are you waiting for? Grow your business! Laugh your way to the bank!
Call: 831.648.1038 E-mail: mike@foolishtimes.net
mind BODY
www.foolishtimes.net
18
February 2008
Spirit SPAS
MASSAGE
TANNING
MASSAGE AND BODY WORK Specializing in massage care. Certified H.H.P. & C.M.T. Call Debra: 235-2246
DEEPER, DARKER & LONGER LASTING TAN. Exclusive technology, proffessional Consultation, “Super Sanitized” Call Sunnyside Tanning: 424-4144
A TOUCH TO WHOLENESS Body Healing, Reduce Stress, Revive Energy. Call Christina: 206-6789
FITNESS FULL BODY WORKOUT IN LESS THAN 30 MINUTES. With our ”Strive Circuit Training” workout equipment. Yoga, aerobic classes, water aerobics and group fitness classes. Chamisal Tennis and Fitness Club. Call: 484-1135
CHIROPRACTIC SUFFER NO MORE - headaches, neck pain, stiffness, arm leg pain, muscle spasms, carpel tunnel syndrome, TMJ disorder, energy loss, frequent illness, restless sleep, PMS, asthma. We can Help! HEALTHMAX Chiropractic Center. Call: 373.7373
MINDFULL ADVERTISING LINE AD, 30 WORDS. FIRST LINE BOLD. $49. To advertise with a line ad on the Mond Body Spirit Page. Call: 648.1038
TO ADVERTISE ON MIND BODY SPIRIT CALL 648.1038
Broken Pipes...Kitchen fires...Overflowed toilets...Malfunctioning washers...Chemical spills...Wet insulation...Mold in the crawlspace, attic, closet, and bedroom...Unattended candle fires...Tree damage from storms...Spontaneous combustion...Asbestos containing building materials...Crime scene fingerprint dust...Lead paint...Blood...Septic tank backflows...Dirty air ducts...Flooding. Leaking dishwashers...Wind damage...Leaking skylights...Hoarding tenants...Animal or insect infestations...Vandalism and graffiti...Sewage spills...Broken windows...
Just a few of the thousands of unplanned events we’re here to fix. You can’t count on when a disaster will happen in your home—but you can count on us to be there for you when it does. Any time, day or night, 365 days a year.
Demand the best. Demand Disaster Kleenup Specialists. Over 2 decades of putting homes, and lives, back together.
(831) 899Ͳ3938 or toll free (800) 427Ͳ1769 www.disasterkleen.com
567 Ortiz Avenue, Sand City CA 93955 Lic #458398 DOSH #794
February 2008
www.foolishtimes.net
19
Then that ugly, old wrinkled son-of-ashe has to because dad’s such a goof- I quickly discarded any such thought. ball. This balding gray-haired man with the gun asked, “What did you teach?” deeply lined face was much too old to the scotch tape is. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspec- have been my secret crush... or was he? tion. She sees the stuff under the bed. 2. Mostly to clean the house. After he examined my teeth I asked 3. I guess Mom is, but only because if he had attended Morgan Park High 3. To help us out of there when we she has a lot more to do than dad. School. were getting born. “Best of The Inbox” Continued from Page 12
FOOLISH THOUGHT
How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
What’s the difference between moms “Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang!” he said, and dads? gleaming with pride. 1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
“1959,” he answered. “Why do you 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers ask?” without scaring them. “Well, you were in my class!” I ex3. God made my Mom just the same 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but claimed. like he made me. He just used bigger moms have all the real power ‘cause parts. that’s who you got to ask if you want to What ingredients are mothers made sleep over at your friend’s. of? 4. Moms have magic; they make you 1. God makes mothers out of clouds feel better without medicine. and angel hair and everything nice in What does your mom do in her spare the world and one dab of mean. time? 2. They had to get their start from 1. Mothers don’t do spare time. men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1. We’re related. 1. On the inside she’s already perfect. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more Outside, I think some kind of plastic surthan other people’s moms like me. 00 10 gery. 11 What kind of little girl was your mom? 0 2. Dye it. You know, her hair. I’d dye it, 1 1 0 00100 1. My Mom has always been my mom maybe blue. 01000 0 1 0 00 10101 and none of that other stuff. If you could change one thing about 00001 10000010 1 0 00100 00010 10110 2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, your mom, what would it be? 1 1 1 1 1 0 1 1 1 0 0 01 00010 0 1110 but my guess would be pretty bossy. 00101 01010101 10101000 1. She has this weird thing about me 01 0101010 10010 0 1 0 10101 10101 00100 01110 10101 keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of 1 0 1 1 1 1 0 3. They say she used to be nice. 0 0 0 101 10 111 10 100 01 01010 that. 00100 010 0010 01010100 01001011 00101001 01000101 001 100 0 010 00 10 10001 What did mom need to know about 01010 11000100 10010111 10101000 01001000 01110101 2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she dad before she married him? 10 10 01 10 10001 would know it was my sister who did it 00101 00100010 01010100 01010101 00100100 0 01010 00001 01010 10000 and not me. 1. His last name. 1 0 0 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
Computer Frustration?
2. She had to know his background. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on invisible eyes on the back of her head. beer?
ON AGING 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Have you ever been guilty of looking Did he say NO to drugs and YES to at others your own age and thinking, chores? “Surely I can’t look that old”? Why did your mom marry your dad? I was sitting in the waiting room for 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging the world. And my Mom eats a lot. on the wall. It bore his full name and I 2. She got too old to do anything else suddenly remembered a tall, handsome, with him. dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t 40-odd years before and I wondered if have her thinking cap on. he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on him way back then. Who’s the boss at your house? When I got into the treatment room 1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but
01 01 00 01011 00010011 10101000 10 1 1 10101 0 0 01010 01010100 00 0100 11101 01110 10
00100
We’ll Get You Back In Control In-Store and On-Site Service for Business and Residential
Computer Troubleshooting, Repair & Upgrades Business Class Networks & Server Management • Remote Assistance - Instant Service Calls Virus, Spyware, & Spam Removal • Wi-Fi, Cabling & Telephony
740.4002 www.AATech.com 326 Reservation Road, Suite A-1 • Marina, CA 93933 581 McCray Street, Suite D-1 • Hollister, CA 95023
20
Word Search Love Story M E G L J M X A I Q O Y Z H
Z F Z A O R O P Y S X R M X
X D P R B S U N N H W K N M
Okay, fans. We promised it was coming, and here it is: The Foolish Times Survey. We like to kid around here at Foolish Times but we’re taking this survey seriously, and we hope that you will, too. Filling out this survey will help us in two ways. First, it will help us get a better idea of what kind of content to provide for you, our beloved fellow fool. Second, it helps us give potential advertisers an idea of our demographics. The bottom line is that, without our advertisers, Foolish Times would not exist, so we need to give them the kind of feedback they are requesting. All information is anonymous, and will be destroyed after tallying the results (we have the fire in the trash barrel going already).
ANSWERS CAN BE FOUND ON PAGE 22
Y T O C U C K H O L D H R C
T U R E S S Q N M G U J R E
S G N I D D E W I F A H T Y
C N K G H Y V P L D X M Y T
U D C W M O O T A Y A J Y I
T O T O W J L O I R T I V L
C A O C V U R A R Y A O Z I
G N I R E T T I B C R T K T
D D X W M J A N P C B L I S
You can return the survey to us by mail (P.O. Box 4046, Monterey, CA, 93942) or fax (372-3699).
X F R M A G A R E Y W A L O
Word Search was brought to you by... (insert your business name here) Sponsor this page and expose your business in one of the most unique, and fastest growing papers in Monterey & Santa Cruz Counties. Call: 831.648.1038 E-mail: mike@foolishtimes.net
February 2008
Take a Moment Out and Help an Old Fool
LOVE MARRIAGE MONOGAMY RING SEPARATION VITRIOL VOW WEDDING WEDDINGS
ALIMONY AMOROUS BITTER BLISS CUCKHOLD CUPID DESIRE DIVORCE HONEYMOON HOSTILITY LAWYER
J H O Y E T A P M D Y A P Y
www.foolishtimes.net
C W S J E H B A O Z J E W H
Thanks for taking the time to help us improve Foolish Times!
Male or female (circle one)? Male Female What is your age (circle one)? 15-20 21-30 31-40 41-50 51-60 61+ What is the highest level of education you have completed? __________________________________________________________ What is your own yearly income (circle one)? under $30,000 over $30,000 What is your total household income (circle one)? under $50,000 over $50,000 What is your marital status (circle one)? single married divorced widow/widower How many people, including yourself, reside in your household? __________________________________________________________ What is your occupation? __________________________________________________________ What county do you reside in? __________________________________________________________ Do you rent or own your residence? __________________________________________________________ What if any hobbies do you have? __________________________________________________________ Do you read Foolish Times every month? __________________________________________________________ At what location do you pick up your copy of Foolish Times? __________________________________________________________ What is your favorite feature in Foolish Times? __________________________________________________________ Have you ever purchased anything based on an ad in Foolish Times? __________________________________________________________ What would you like to see us do in future issues of Foolish Times that we are not currently doing? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
Posing As Normal By Mary Tompsett
Surf ’n Turf Survival While waiting for an oil change, I pawed through the usual grimy reading material—back issues of The Taoist Purgatorial Review, Elephantiasis for Dummies, and some 1999 meeting lists for Quilters Anonymous. My hand hovered over the OSHA Hazardous Waste Guide until I spotted a pamphlet on survival techniques. Survival, huh? As in running out of organic cat litter? Or when your hair stylist moves to LA to work for Howie Mandel? Nope. The article bypassed such tragedies, and focused on muddling through the everyday bear or shark attack.
“Cover your head? Spread your legs? You gotta love such twisted humor. Pause now while I jot a memo: ‘Wear babushka. And no more hiking in tight skirts!”
in some shark circles, because the critter sped away in a sullen snit.
Rule of thumb? The higher the bear alert, the higher the hair. Gosh, this could work. I’ve started “high hair” hiking and so far… no attacks! But the constant chattering in my head is irksome. Man, They also say to spread your legs so I’m going to be really ticked if squirrels the bear will have a harder time flipping are nesting up there. you over. Cover your head? Spread your legs? You gotta love such twisted humor. Sharks are different than bears in Pause now while I jot a memo: “Wear that we HAVE found accordions in their babushka. And no more hiking in tight stomachs. They’ll eat anything. Supposedly, we can repel a shark by hitting its skirts!” nose. Why do I not envision the Seniors But we already know this stuff. Re- Water Ballet class as helpful with this member the countless mornings we maneuver? No, sweetie, if thy toes tickle were rousted from bed by Mom or Pop? the tonsils of a 20-foot Great White, I inOr by the head psych nurse? We played vite thee to skip the nose be-bop, and dead!! And when the teacher scanned get ugly. the class for a fresh victim to do long Dragged underwater, one survivor division at the chalkboard? Yup. Rigor clawed into the gills and ripped out mortis extraordinaire. handfuls of shark stuffing. Then he The article also advised against star- gouged out the shark’s eye! Apparently, tling a bear. How? Wear a bell! Wait, that this is considered rude dinner behavior
Copyright © 2008 by Mary Tompsett
Mary Tompsett is a self-syndicated columnist hoping to snag an agent for her first novel. She lives on the far east side of Santa Cruz (okay, Wisconsin) with her dog and two cats, who allow her to believe she is their goddess. Her horse left the family for a more stable Well, that’s my report on survival. environment. What? You’re off to spend five hours with the grandkids at Chuck E. Cheese? Good luck, friend. Punch a nose or play dead—it’s your call. Some of us, though, risk tossing our cookies while poking at a sliver. I say we opt for creative camouflage. Look for my new line of swimwear with dangling rubber legs. And bells, just in case.
You’re Reading
can’t be right. There’s an old joke… “Good news, we found bells from the lost hiker. Bad news, we found them in bear poop.” I suspect other instruments might be more effective than silly bells. Ever hear of an attack on a hiker playing an accordion? A tuba?? Okay, then.
Even when not wearing taffeta shorts, could we be quiet enough to startle an animal with such keen hearing and smell? Maybe this whole bell thing is simply proper hiking etiquette to inform predators that (ting-a-ling-a-ling) dinner is served! Couldn’t hurt, though, to slap a Sierra Club sticker on the old Experts agree that unless you’re cer- backpack, and send out thoughts of tain the bear has gone vegan, it’s best acid reflux. to avoid eye contact, lie face down and Could we protect our tasty noggins play dead. A bear will target the head, so with the hairstyles of yesteryear? If guys we’re to cover it with our arms. Not the slathered on that “greasy kid stuff” bebear, our head! Ha-ha, fooled me too. fore hitting the trail, they might slide out of a bear’s mouth, slick as a watermelon seed. And we ladies could tease up a righteously bouffant 1963 ’do and hairspray the hell out of it. That’s right, think Tootsie Pops in hiking boots. To get to the delicious, chewy center on top, a bear must first penetrate the crunchy coating!
21
Want to write it? We accept humorous short stories, essays, personal experience pieces, opinions, jokes, anything that makes us laugh. So, submit your stuff to: editor@foolishtimes.net
Tony’s Ticklers
“by Tony Deakin of The Crown & Anchor Pub (Franklin Street’s Favorite Pub)”
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don’t. As Ben Franklin said:“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.” In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli)—bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering, and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.
www.foolishtimes.net
22
February 2008
So that’s what the big deal is with lone dried-up leaf on an old dead tree who just saw Ichabod Crane fly by on his Groundhog Day, PG. What, did you think giraffe holding his own head on a silver I didn’t know the inside scoop? platter!! Thanks for writing, PG. Now please… And you know why he was shaking, be a stranger. PG? I’ll tell you why. Because what he Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo saw in that one short glimpse of his own groundhog shadow was enough to scare his poor little land beaver soul nearly to death!!
And Special Answers to Questionable Questions Editor’s note: The following is a reprint of Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice. Will is pulling a Rip Van Winkle somewhere in the Butterfly Sanctuary in Pacific Grove and can’t be disturbed. Please, don’t go looking for him. You’ll disturb his beard. Dear Will, I don’t get what the big deal with Groundhog Day is. What’s so great about a groundhog, anyway? Why don’t they have Giraffe Day? A giraffe is way better than a groundhog. I’ve never even seen a Hallmark card for Groundhog Day, so obviously Hallmark thinks it’s bogus too. Am I missing something, Will, or is Groundhog Day just totally lame? Signed, Wet Blanket… in PG
Dear Wet Blanket… in PG, Oh yeah, you’re missing something, PG. In fact, you’re missing everything! Groundhog Day is huge! It’s totally hip! Did you say Hallmark, PG? What, are you some kind of Wonder Bread victim or something? You can’t look to the mainstream for this one. It’s still way too cool. You have to look to the symbolism, PG. Groundhog Day is all about the Shadow. And about not being a hamster anymore.
It’s not gonna be easy though, PG. No, it’s gonna take a lot more shaking and a lot more deep digging and thinking (at ging. least six weeks’ worth, PG) before he’ll be able to come to grips with the fact It was just this spark of an impulse that it was his own shadow that scared that was telling him, in a distant inner him so much, and no one else’s. voice, that this was going to be the most important jailbreak of his life! But after that, PG, he’s gonna change. Oh yeah, he’s gonna change for the betAnd so he dug some more and he ter and let go of all his old silly hamsterdug some more and eventually all that ish ways of the constant William Tell digging made him bigger and stronger lopsided hero crap he’d been trumpetand more powerful and after awhile he ing all day every day while zippin’ and started looking more like a beaver than zappin’ on his little silver wheel trying to a hamster. impress all the other hamsters.
And you know why he was shaking, PG? I’ll tell you why. Because what he saw in that one short glimpse of his own groundhog shadow was enough to scare his poor little land beaver soul nearly to death!!”
And then he’ll finally realize who he really was all the time. Robin Hood!! That’s right. You see Robin Hood is the perfect blend of the shadow and the hero, PG. Think about it. Is he good, or is he bad? You tell me. Is he Peter Pan or Captain Hook? Little Red Riding Hood or the Big Bad Wolf? He’s neither, PG. And neither is a groundhog after six weeks in the hole (Hades, PG). He’s both. And he’s way better than any stupid giraffe.
So the moral of the story goes like this: If you refuse to see your own shadow for what it is, and you think springtime Although beavers don’t dig, they swim, with Bambi is just around the corner, and I know that, PG. But swimming is re- then you’re in denial. And you’ll never ally just another form of digging, but it’s become a complete groundhog. You’ll always be a hamster who thinks he’s a in the water not the ground. beaver. Anyway, eventually he found his way to the surface outside his cage and that’s where it starts to get heavy. Because that’s when he confronts his own shadow and all hell breaks loose!! It scares the crap out of him and then he hears some other inner voice (fear, PG) say, “dive, dive, dive!!”
You see, a groundhog is nothing but a grown-up hamster, who used to live in a cage and spin his little wheel like some psycho maniac all day while blasting And so he frantically bolts back into out the William Tell Overture over and the ground! And he swims and digs over again without a clue. down, down, down into the deep, dark depths of the underground in a breathBut then one day something sparked less panic! him and he decided to make a break for it. And so he started digging. And he And then he stops, PG. And he thinks. kept digging and digging even though And he thinks and thinks. And he’s shakhe didn’t really know why he was dig- ing, PG. Oh yeah, he’s shaking like a little
ANSWERS FOR WORD SEARCH PUZZLE ON PAGE 20
But it’s all good, PG, because now he’s forced to do what he never had the guts to do before: face his own shadow. + + + + + + A + + D + + + + +
+ + + + + M + + I + + + + + +
+ + + + O + O P Y + + + + + E
+ + + R + + U N N H + + + + R
+ + O C U C K H O L D + + + I
+ U + + + S + N M G + + + + S
S G N I D D E W I + A + + Y E
+ + + + + Y V P L + + M + T D
+ + + + M O O + A + A + Y I +
+ + + O W + L O I R T I V L +
+ + O + + + + + R + A O + I +
G N I R E T T I B + R T + T +
+ + + + + + A + + C B L I S S
+ + + + + G + R E Y W A L O +
+ + + + E + + + + + + + + H N
FOOLISH THOUGHT Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
23
Foolish Crossword Puzzle
This Month’s Foolish Crossword Clues ACROSS
Have some fun and learn more about our advertisers by solving this crossword puzzle. The clues are actual words that appear in ads in this issue of Foolish Times or are simply hints that will lead you to the ads. Identify the advertiser from the clues and then write the advertiser’s name in the puzzle. Eliminate apostrophes, periods, other punctuation and spaces between words in names of more than one word. 1 2
2. 10. 13. 14. 15.
family friendly service windchimes Local Business Shindig we ship worldwide Marianne’s Ice Cream From Santa Cruz 16. western goods, art, decor
3
DOWN 4 5
6 8
7 9
10
11
12
1. hot dog eating contest 3. lamb and chicken curry 4. the art & science of growing plants 5. Free Wood Chips 6. Doug Lanzaro 7. 20% off over $100 8. every tuseday 9. Sci-Fi 11. good old fashion 12. pet’s poop we scoop
13 14
ANSWERS CAN BE FOUND ON PAGE 24 or perhaps 25
15
FOOLISH THOUGHT Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
16
This Could Be Your Ad. Expose your business in to over 45, 000 readers, throughout Monterey & Santa Cruz Counties. So call already! Now! Go Ahead! What are you waiting for? Grow your business! Laugh your way to the bank!
Call: 831.648.1038 E-mail: mike@foolishtimes.net
www.foolishtimes.net
24
February 2008
Visit Our Online Store
www.SalinasValleyDodgeChryslerDirect.com
Shop from Home!
What Are You Waiting For! My Aging Valentine
a poem by Stephen L. Millich
Once again please be mine Sweet aging Valentine. Our love is a heavenly catharsis Known as agape to Saul of Tarsus. Once we ate delicious candy On this lover’s day so dandy. As we start our trip on romance’s track Let’s prepare the way with a healthy snack. I could court you with flowers ‘til you swoon But I rather we share a chocolate prune. And as time will tame the falls of Niag’ra So tonight we’ll scale the walls with Viagra.
( 831) 442.1000 Salinas Valley Dodge – Chrysler 800 Auto Center Circle, Salinas
Downtown Old Monterey Farmers Market Every Tuesday Rain or Shine Winter hours 4-7pm See Ya There
Expose Your Biz!
Affordable, Targeted, Local Advertising Local Search Engine & Free Local WiFi Access
277.2669
February 2008
www.foolishtimes.net few more desperate handfuls before cleaning up the sticky mess. Penny started detox today. She has been nervously watching TV, wandering forlornly around in the kitchen while I do dishes, and occasionally muttering to me about how dry her panties are. I won’t give in.
By Sarah Flake
Penny’s sugar mania was reaching such outlandish lengths that I feared for our “sweet” five-month-old, Charlotte. Two days ago I entered the front room to find that Penny had dumped brown sugar and flour all over the baby. Could it be she was preparing to eat her? I hope never to know.
It’s all my fault. Reap what you sow, Penny has learned to scale the highthey say. For once, “they” are right. est cabinet, plumb the deepest shelf, and beguile any poor sucker in order to We had a relatively sugar-free home get her precious candy. For the sweets for Penny’s first two years of life. We nev- she can’t unwrap herself, she’ll patiently er served dessert after meals, snacked chew the wrapper for upwards of half We’ll not be returning to the accursed on cheese and pretzels, and had her an hour to get at the goodies inside. I candy shop. convinced that tofu was the most spec- find little piles of Hershey Kisses foil in tacular food in the world. Then I began neat piles underneath the kitchen table potty training. like mice droppings as evidence of her Sarah Flake is the author of a humor clandestine activities. We mothers do rash and wild things blog at hollywoodflakes.org that has to get our kids to eliminate on demand. Yesterday she went too far. Somehow approximately 10,000 readers a month. I performed the funky chicken dance she got inside my bathroom cabinet and every time she used the potty because I found two boxes of my contact lenses. knew she loved it. But my funky chicken To a two-year-old, what else could they quickly lost its funk and left her whining have been but candy? ANSWERS FOR for more. She whisked the boxes to a secure FOOLISH CROSSWORD PUZZLE My dance repertoire insufficient, I location and set at work ripping them ON PAGE 23 looked for another incentive. Candy was open. When I noticed, twenty minutes the obvious answer. later, the eerie calm that had settled over the apartment, I went to find what ACROSS mischief she was up to. 2. PENINSULATIRE There, in a tiny ball behind the sofa, 10. LUMINATA Penny crouched. She was wearing only 13. MUCKYDUCK her white Elmo panties, and by the way 14. MONTEREYMATTRESS her ribs were sticking out of her thin 15. GROVEMARKET body and the desperation in her eyes, 16. EMPORIUM she looked exactly like Gollum. Her tiny teeth were busily at work at one of my DOWN contacts packages. She punctured the 1. CARMELLYVALLEYMKT foil and was frantically trying to suck out the saline contents before I could inter- 3. KHANKABOBHOUSE fere. At $26 a box, I wasn’t going to let 4. MBAYHORTICULTURESUPPLY this one slide with a motherly chuckle. 5. CYPRESSCOASTTREESERVICE
“We mothers do rash and wild things to get our kids to eliminate on demand. I performed the funky chicken dance every time she used the potty because I knew she loved it. But my funky chicken quickly lost its funk and left her whining for more.”
Every week for the past three months, Penny and I made a trip to the candy shop and I let her pick out her week’s worth of “potty candy.” Candy corns, Dreamy Mints, Gummy Worms, pastilles, candied nuts, she’s tried them all. The candy sits in a bag in the bathroom and she picks out a special piece after each successful trip to the potty. I would also do periodic “dry panties” checks during the day for which she was rewarded with candy. She was quickly potty trained. And now what do we have left? A candy monster.
I grabbed the box away before she could destroy my contacts. “Candy! Candy! Candy!” she shrieked and then sent out a wail to the skies. Seeing that I wasn’t going to return her prize, she ran off and grabbed a stool. Her mourning period over, she was off to try and reach another candy stash on top of her Dad’s dresser. I quickly beat her to it and put the candy on a higher shelf. But not before she had dashed off again. “Candy! Candy!” Her persistence was terrible indeed. Now in the kitchen, she snatched the sugar jar. Before I could stop her she had it open and was digging out huge scoops of sugar to shove in her mouth. At this point, I couldn’t resist—I laughed myself sick and let her have a
6. PACIFICHOME 7. GASPERSJEWELERS 8. FARMERSMARKET 9. GOLDENSTATETHEATRE 11. BLACKBEAR 12. COYOTESCOOP
FOOLISH THOUGHT Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
25
Good Old Fashion Family Food
Black Bear Diner
Breakfast • Lunch • Dinner Kid Friendly, Comfort Food Open 365 Days Daily Specials
10% Military Discount Gilroy 395 Leavesley Rd. 408-842-9901 Salinas 805 W. Laurel St. 831-449-1545 Carmel 12 Crossroads Center Hwy. 1 at Rio Road 831-624-9640 Vist Our Newest Location
Monterey 2450 North Fremont 831-645-9700
www.foolishtimes.net
26
February 2008
2032
SUNSET DRIVE
RUSSELL SERVICE CENTER 2004
Hayward Lumber
2006
Ceasars Upholstery 649-0450
2008
Rodriguez Irrigation 649-1328
2010
Dan ‘Rourke Cabinet Maker
2014
Barry Marshall Coastal Impressions 333-0880
2016 2020
Jon Shoemaker Flooring 641-9065
2022
Value Glass Shower 655-9710
2024
McCoy Building 655-9710
2026
MPA INC. 648-9234
2088
Bohn Heating & Sheet Metal 372-4474
2064
H&M Construction 657-9947
2088
Central Coast Fireplace 372-4474
2032
Russell Service Center Office 372-1782
2066
Rod Dresser Photo 655-4646
2090
Littlefield’s 649-5641
2034
Ceasar’s Upholstery 649-0450
2072
The Golden Hammer 372-8585
2092
Paton Landscaping 917-2818
Destefano Construction 655-5519
2096
RJL Construction 648-1308
2028 2030
2062
Precise Packinging Inc. 641-0828
2040
W.S.G.I
2074
2044
Cobb Construction
2076
2046
Pacific Etched Glass & Crystal 373-0683
2050
Mykels Interiors 372-6712
2056
Mykels Interiors 372-6712
2058
The Golden Hammer 372-8585
COMMERCIAL 1200SQ FT. 2400SQFT.
The Marabee Connection 375-8329
2102
2078
Peninsula Potters 372-8867
2103
American Granite & Marble 655-9567
2080
Manutech 655-8794
2104
Hayward Lumber
2080
Spanish Bay Galleries 373-0554
2106
Hayward Lumber
2082
Davis Design Group
2108
Pacific Etched Glass & Crystal 373-0683
2032 Sunset Drive Pacific Grove, CA 93950
STORAGE RENTALS
(831)373-1782
8 x 14
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
218 REINDOLLAR AVENUE
Commercial Crest 1-A
Kim’s Market 384-4765
2-A
Nathan Bradley Plumbing 392-1271
27
224 REINDOLLAR AVENUE
Marina self storage & Service Center 224-A
Contours Beauty Salon 884-9970
110
224-B
Total Solutions
114
My Wood Products
3-B
J&P Auto Service 384-4005
224-C
Vision Custom Interiors
118
Rainman Gutters
4-B
Peninsula Tint
224-D
Window Design
122
West Coast Calibration
5-A
5-B 6-B
Branch’s Janitorial
224-E
Robert Meyer Construction
123
JEC 647-9517
6-A
7-B 8-B
Ornamental Iron 883-4243
224-F
Jim’s Plumbing
128
Cypress Painting & Decorating 624-9018
129
Lin Originals Glass & Design
Proforma One
2-1-B 2-2-B
Monterey Bay Horticultural Supply
3-A
Marina Glass Company
4-A
Mural By Dong Sum Kim 883-8353
7-A
1-B
Coachman Limited Corporation 625-5363
224-H
Bottega Design
133 134
Icon Studios
224-K
Alternative Dental Lab
135
Shoii Concepts
224-L
Self Storage Office 384-6066
141
Marsh Plumbing
COMMERCIAL 1200 SQFT. 2400 SQFT.
STORAGE RENTALS 8 x 10 to 20 x 30
224-L Reindollar Marina, CA 93933
(831)384-6066
www.foolishtimes.net
28
Fool Laughs
A couple of good jokes, with some so-so jokes thrown in to fill space.
BARBER SHOP
running shoes and a sign around her A guy stuck his head into a barber neck. shop and asked, “How long before I can She introduces herself as a represenget a haircut?” tative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can The barber looked around the shop have me!” full of customers and said, “About two hours.” Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing The guy left. and puffing, he finally gives up.
farmhand who’s been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
THE HALF-WIT
A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin State Wage and Hour A guy calls a company and orders their Department claimed he was not paying 5-day, 10-pound weight loss program. proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. “I need a list The next day, there’s a knock on the of your employees and how much you door and there stands before him a pay them,” demanded the agent. voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike “Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my
Ralph replied, “I’ve been in jail.” “Jail!” cried Max! “What in the world for?”
“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week “Well,” Ralph said, “you know Sue, that plus free room and board. cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we get coffee sometimes?” “Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does “Yea,” said Max. “What about her?” about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his “Well, one day last month she got mad own room and board, and I buy him a at me and to get even, she charged me bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. with rape. I was so proud of what everyHe also sleeps with my wife occasion- one would think, that when I got into ally.” court, I pled guilty! And the judge took a good look at me and gave me thirty “That’s the guy I want to talk to—the days for perjury.” half-wit,” says the agent.
A few days later the same guy stuck The same girl shows up for the next his head in the door and asked, “How 4 days and the same thing happens. long before I can get a haircut?” On the 5th day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find that he has lost 10 The barber looked around at the shop pounds as promised. and said, “About three hours.” He calls the company and orders their The guy left. 5-day, 20-pound program. The next day “That would be me,” replied the farmthere’s a knock at the door and there A week later the same guy stuck his stands the most stunning, beautiful, er. head in the shop and asked, “How long sexy woman he has ever seen in his enbefore I can get a haircut?” —submitted by Ron de Tuna tire life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around The barber looked around the shop her neck that reads,“If you can catch me, THIS MONTH’S SENIOR JOKE and said, “About an hour and half.” you can have me!” Two very elderly friends, Max and The guy left. Well, he’s out the door after her like a Ralph, met in the park every day to feed shot. The woman is in excellent shape the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and The barber turned to a friend and said, and he does his best, but no such luck. discuss world problems. One day Ralph “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy didn’t show up. Max didn’t think much and see where he goes. He keeps asking So for the next 4 days, the same rou- about it, figuring maybe he had a cold how long he has to wait for a haircut, tine happens, with him gradually get- or something. but then he doesn’t ever come back.” ting in better and better shape. But after Ralph hadn’t shown up for A little while later, Bill returned to the Much to his delight on the 5th day a week or so, Max really got worried. He shop, laughing hysterically. when he weighs himself, he discovers could not remember where Ralph lived, that he has lost another 20 pounds as The barber asked,“So where does that promised. He decides to go for broke so he was unable to find out what had happened to his friend. A month passed guy go when he leaves?” and calls the company to order the 7- and Max figured old Ralph had gone to day, 50-pound program. his heavenly reward. But one day Max Bill looked up, tears in his eyes, and said, “Your house.” “Are you sure?” asks the representative went to the Park and, lo and behold, on the phone. “This is our most rigorous there sat Ralph. program.” A PICTURE OF GOD Max was very excited and happy to A kindergarten teacher was observ“Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt see him and told him so. Then he said, ing her classroom of children while they this good in years.” “For crying out loud, Ralph, what hapwere drawing. She would occasionally pened to you?” The next day there’s a knock on the walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was door. When he opens it, he finds a huge, working diligently, she asked what the muscular guy standing there wearing drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m draw- nothing but pink running shoes and ing God.” The teacher paused and said, a sign around his neck that reads, “If I “But no one knows what God looks like.” catch you, you’re mine.” Without missing a beat, or looking up He lost 63 pounds that week. from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
THE WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
February 2008
THE LESSON A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “’Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
FOOLISH THOUGHT Why isn’t “ phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008
Ye Olde Limerick Corner Brought to you by Anonymous or others who are only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.
There once was a fellow named Dave Who lived in a miniature cave. He said “I admit I can’t stand or sit, But think of the money I save!” —E.M.
In government, no resolution Moves on to a speedy solution No doubt this is due To Lawmaker Flu Caused by their fog-brain pollution
29
Miriam’s Cafe Serving organic coffee & loose leaf tea Displaying a new artist every month Open 7am-7pm 7 Days a week
(831) 277-5655 615 Lighthouse Ave. Monterey
Royal Seafoods IMPERIAL QUALITY PRODUCTS Fine Quality Seafood
Tuna • Swordfish • Shellfish • Rock Snapper • Sole • Ling • Dabs • Squid • Halibut • Cod • Albacore • Salmon • Prawn Commercial Sales
WHOLESALE TO THE PUBLIC
(831) 655-8326
Wharf #2 • Monterey All the Way at the END of the Warf
—Ron de Tuna
When honeybees grow on the vine We can make a different wine And from what it was It’ll have quite a buzz With a nose of honey so fine
Best Burger in Town
—Ron de Tuna again
I went to the dentist at three. It was just as I feared it would be. He reached in my mouth And went too far south And now I am numb in my knee. —L R L R L R
Nightly Specials Open 7 days a week till 2am Serving Lunch and Dinner 1130am-9pm
Duffy’s Tavern 282 High Street, Mtry, CA 93940
831-644-9811
www.foolishtimes.net
30
Sponsor a Fool
CLASSIFIEDS Carmel Computers
Thomas Editorial Services
Repairs, upgrades, training, networking, new systems. Serving the local area since 1999. Office: (831) 659-4459 Cell: (831) 915-4305 email: mwecker@carmelcomputers.com
Professional editor/writer with 15 years of experience spanning the consumer, technical, and reference markets. Manuscript consultation, ghost writing, book doctoring, research services, and more. Call: 831-648-9108
The Handy Person John Berard has been serving the Monterey Peninsula since 1986. If you need quality interior or exterior painting, carpentry, minor plumbing, or electrical call for a FREE estimate.Satisfaction guaranteed! 649-5542
Inner Wholeness Massage A touch to wellness. Boost energy for business travel and meetings . Christina: 206-6789
Get Into The Black! Donna R. Mendenhall MBA Certified Public Accountant. 20 Years Experience Call: 659-3144
Foolish Shorts
February 2008
™
Fools need you. Putting out a free monthly humor publication takes time, money, and talent—but mostly money. And it’s hard to joke when you’re hungry. When you choose to sponsor a fool in need, you will be assigned a staff member (or you can request one of your choice from the masthead or list of contributors!) of the Foolish Times who is eager to spend your check, cash, or money order. You will receive letters with photos of your fool so that you can see your contribution in action. Change a Fool’s World
FOOLISH THOUGHT If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
By making a tax-deductible contribution of just $50 a day (hey, this IS California), your sponsorship will provide a fool with muchneeded gifts such as: * Educational tools: including grammar books, ink for pens, and joke books * Health care: including splints for carpal tunnel, band-aids for paper cuts, and eye exams to catch those typos * Recreation: including enough booze, Prozac, and cigarettes to get through one issue
Flat Tire
* Life skills: including improved personal hygiene and grooming * Basic necessities: including shelter (a used but clean refrigerator or other large appliance box donated from Sears) and McDonald’s dollar value menu meals About Sponsor a Fool™
A southerner had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby noticed the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I got a flat tar.” The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?” The man responded, “When ya break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
Sponsor a Fool™ is an independent non-profit charity group that has been providing fools with necessities for over three years. Fools who toil over keyboards to provide you with free funnies don’t have time to get a real job. That’s where we come in. We keep fools fed and happy so they can keep you laughing. Remember, happy fools write funny stuff. ™ Don’t wait, start sponsoring a fool today. As a new sponsor, you’ll receive your fool’s photo (fully clothed), personal story, and a thank you note by mail in approximately 30 days (or whenever they save enough to buy stamps). You will then receive periodic updates about your fool’s progress. When a fool finds out they’ve been sponsored, the joy they experience cashing your check is indescribable. And sponsoring a fool will change not only your fool’s future, but your life as well (some fools have even been permanently adopted by Pebble Beach sponsors). Remember, happy fools write funny stuff. ™
February 2008
www.foolishtimes.net
31
Wood Flooring Sale!
Special Square Foot Prices:
1/4
Solid Virginia White Oak 3
”
Handscraped Hickory Espresso Engineered 5”
Handscraped Tropical Teak Solid 5” Brazilian Cherry Solid 5” Brazilian Cherry Engineered 5” Santos Mahogany Engineered 5”
(831) 583-9124
www.FloorStoreUSA.com 1666 Contra Costa, Sand City Sale ends February 28,
$4.77 $3.25 $6.33 $5.99 $5.99 $5.99
License #828211
2008.
Hurry in today!
Family Friendly Tire Service
Tony Has Over 30 Years Experience
FREE
FREE
FREE
15% OFF
Computerized Wheel Alignment With Purchase of 4 Tires. a $49.95 value.
Tire Rotation Every 5000 miles With Purchase of 4 tires.
Brake & Tire Inspection No Purchase Necessary
Any Brake Service on Most Cars.
MICHELIN • BF GOODRICH • PIRELLI • BRIDGESTONE UNIROYAL • GENERAL • GOODYEAR • DUNLOP
Free Shuttle Service Within a 5 Mile Radius. Late Night / Early Morning Drop Off Available.
1299 Del Monte • Monterey (at the Burlwood Statues)
Call For A Free Quote: 372.1082
32
www.foolishtimes.net
February 2008