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CAPILANO COURIER north vancouver

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WHAT CAP U'S FINANCIAL CRISIS MEANS FOR STUDENTS WHINING ABOUT WINE

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WHO IS CHELSEA MANNING?

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DOPE TICKET

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FESTIVALS IN REVIEW

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CAPILANO Courier TABLE OF contents news

The Staff 4

of this reserected university newspaper Leah Scheitel Editor-in-Chief

Translink Gets E. Coli

columns

6 Scott Moraes Managing Editor

Lets Talk About The Poor North

arts & Culture

Kristi Alexandra Copy Editor

Katherine Gallard News Editor

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Local Cyclist Conquers Canada

Features

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Overcoming Rejection

calendar

Faye Alexander Opinions Editor

Therese Guieb Features Editor

Andy Rice Arts Editor

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Cheryl Swan Turns 23...Or Something

Opinions

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Jeremy "Big Hands" Hanlon Andrew Palmquist Caboose Editor Production Manager

Cheryl Swan Art Director

Convert To Gay At The Sochi Olympics

CABOOSE

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What is Humor, Really?

Carlo Javier Staff Writer

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Ricky Bao Business Manager

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The Capilano Courier is an autonomous, democratically run student newspaper. Literary and visual submissions are welcomed.

All submissions are subject to editing for brevity, taste, and legality. The Capilano Courier will not publish material deemed by the collective to exhibit sexism, racism or homophobia. The views expressed by the contributing writers are not necessarily those of the Capilano Courier Publishing Society.

On the cover Shannon Elliott has been a part of the Courier for as long as Justin Bieber has been a thing. This is fitting because she is also a huge "Belieber".

Through this her art is rad. Check out more of it at Shannonelliott.ca

Lindsay Howe Marketing & Ads/ Web Editor

× LETTER FROM THE EDITOR ×

CREATING THE SYNERGY OF IT ALL Leah Scheitel × Editor-in-Chief "I’m back on the block, and ready to rock y’all." – Maya Rudolph as Whitney Huston on Saturday Night Live My teeth were my thing. They were naturally gorgeous, straight, and accompanied by the perfect gum ratio. I was known for them.

Thus, it was sheer devastation to everyone with braces and my mom when I shattered my mouth in a bike accident in April. I fractured all of my lower teeth, and knocked out a total of four and a half of my upper ones, making my smile checkered, gnarly, and what I would call a boner shrinker.

After having teeth as my best feature, and taking them for granted, losing them was a blow to my confidence and self-esteem. And since I needed money, I left to go plant trees with Brinkman in Prince George, scared shitless. Yeah, it’s tree planting, and people are more open to different lifestyles and enjoy horror stories, but seeing my shattered mouth and trying to make friends or even trying to be remotely attractive to guys wasn’t even on the radar. I was damaged, and it was so obvious in my actions.

But, after four intense weeks with the camp, the people in it became my sustenance, my friends, my joke circle. On a day off, when I would spend four hours in a dentist chair (which totally sucks), they’d have beer waiting for me back in camp. The accident altered my life, but the people in my life didn’t let it alter me. I was able to keep my sense of humour, and thus my pride, which made it easier to heal after my accident. It made combating life with a broken heart and mouth easy to do.

The pinnacle of this is when the crew got together and had a “Plant for Leah’s Smile” day. Everyone donated trees, and it was up to them how much. Some donated nothing, which is understandable when you do such a stupid and hard job like tree planting. You bend over for cents, and sometimes, you just don’t want to give them up. And others, they gave their entire day’s wage. Most did. I have never felt more loved and cared for then I did on that day. They raised over $4200 towards my $30,000 dental bill. After Brinkman donated $1000 more, and Dirk Brinkman, the owner and founder of the company, donated $250 personally, that experience raised $5460.25 for me.

This momentum continued to grow, and I managed to raise an additional $5500 at a Tooth Fair on August 24. Ex-boyfriends who are now engaged got in touch, wondering if there was anything they could do for me. Friends of friends showed up, buying banjos, wind chimes, and dolls that my parents donated. Family from around the world emailed me, saying the wanted to adopt-a-tooth, or buy a canvas of a photo that my friend took. My cousin even hand-knitted me a Spiderman inspired blanket to auction off. The support was astounding.

I bring this up because this is a perfect example of synergy, and the fact that the whole of a crew is greater than the sum of its parts.

Doing grade school math, averaging $225 a day, it would have taken me 49 days of planting to raise that much on my own. But with a crew of cool people on my side, it took a day of work (where most people planted topless) and a small backyard fundraiser.

My mouth is still broken and my confidence is still growing back, but this philosophy is inspiring. And is something that will keep the Capilano Courier going this year. The editorial staff, writers, and illustrators are indeed talented on their own accord, but together, we can create something even greater than our own talents. We aspire to be an outlet for the students of Capilano University, and to open a discussion about things that matter to them, whether it’s about Miley Cyrus or a potential world war in Syria. We are excited to be here, working together, and having a good time along the way. It may not always be beer and roses, but even through the hard times and arguments over whether Fun. is a legitimate band, or if the University’s budget could be better spent (check out our feature this week), I and the staff will tackle it together, because we know that the outcome will be better with our synergy than without it.

As a new Editor-in-Chief, and the person at the helm of this paper, I believe in the student voice, and what we can accomplish at Capilano and further. Together, and with the help of the students, we do cool things. Stop by and say hi to any and all of us. Maple 122 - especially on Tuesdays for our story meetings at noon. Just don’t be scared of my checkered smile. Now, because of the help of my friends, I’m kind of proud of it.

THE VOICE BOX FEATURING: SCOTT MORAES

It is indeed a very good show, but Walter White has descended into an immoral greedy motherfucker who’s lost all decency ‘cause he knows he’s about to die. I’d still rather watch Modern Family.

By the way, your blue stuff is probably just baking soda dyed blue.

Still good for cleaning and shit.

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“Do you guys publish self-congratulatory memoirs, tabloid news, slanderous opinions, racist rants, horoscopes, hentai, or dada poetry?”

No, we don’t. But thank you for listing precisely everything we don’t publish. Try the New York Times?

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“You guys should get a new office. I went there last year and it stunk like a bunch of homeless people had taken it over. Do you guys, like, live there?”

“Breaking Bad is da sickest show in da universe! You guys should write a cover feature about it and interview the cast and shit that’d be sick! Alright peace out you can reach me at this number if you want some of the blue stuff. Just kidding.”

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“Where the fuck is the Maple Building? One of my friends told me it was by the Museum of Anthropology, and another told me it was by Wreck Beach? I can’t find it on the map” Your friends are awesome. Tell them we’ll buy them beers. Also, we’re at Capilano University, buddy. Capilano. You can find the Ubyssey headquarters, though, in the basement of the Student Union Building, and by the way, they don’t pay you. If you wanna write for us, we do pay, and again, we’re in room 122 of the Maple building at CAPILANO UNIVERSITY, North Vancouver. See you soon?

First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I’m forwarding your message to our budget-stripped administration. I’m pretty sure we’re at the very top of their priority list.

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The Voicebox is back, ready to humbly respond to your questions, concerns, and comments about anything Courier. To inquire, just send a text message to 778 – 689 – 4642 to anonymously “express” and “voice” your “opinion” and “thoughts” on any “subject” or “issue”. And, as long as it’s not offensive, we will publish it here, right in the Voicebox. It’s a win-win, or whine-whine - whatever way you look at it.

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news

NEWS EDITOR ×

KATHERINE GILLARD × N E W S @ C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . C O M

Fares Fair Carlo Javier × Staff Writer Translink’s Compass Card is finally set to be unveiled to the public. Described as “the durable, reloadable, electronic fare card that works everywhere on transit in Metro Vancouver,” the Compass aims to reinvent the way public transit operates in the province.

Starting late fall, Compass will gradually become available to customers, with the aim for it to be in mass use by the summer of 2014.

The Compass Card will include a six-dollar deposit that will work like a lifeline in case a rider unknowingly runs out of credits. Unlike Bus passes, the Compass Card will feature a credit safety function. If a rider were to lose possession of the card, credits on that lost card can be transferred onto a new one.

Frequent riders will also have the option of having the “auto-load” feature. When opted in with this feature, the Compass Card will automatically reload credits through a signed up credit card account.

The reloadable card will utilize a “tap in/tap out” system; card readers are placed on the entrances and exits of buses, while fare gates are placed at SkyTrain stations.

Tapping in will allow the system to ready the

fare for the rider’s upcoming trip, while tapping out ensures the correct tally of zones travelled, and total fare costs.

Tapping out will also allow Translink to track data on when and where transit use is at its busiest, with this, Translink aims to efficiently allocate their resources and services.

However, this feature presents one of the more controversial and more criticized aspects of the Compass.

Translink affirms that personal information such as identity and credit card number will not be encoded on the card – but instead kept in a separate secure system. But recent talks of linking the Compass Card with the province ID have the public worried about civil liberty.

“One of the suggestions the government makes is the ID card can link to your bus pass, along with linking to your credit card,” said Vincent Gogolek, executive director of BC Freedom of Information and Privacy Association.

“We’re seeing more and more of this and it’s a little troubling,” Gogolek began. “The government is talking about their provincial identification management card, which is gonna be linked up with your bus pass and your credit card, so they’ll know who you are, and as you know, there are surveillance cameras throughout the transit system.”

One question that looms in the collective minds of post-secondary students involves another transit

paraphernalia that was also at the center of a much heated debate less than a year ago — the Upass.

According to Translink, the Upass will be on the Compass Card, but the Upass card will not be personalized on Compass, instead, the registered card will have to match the rider’s student ID number.

The Compass’ tap in/tap out system also presents another point of criticism among the public. The gates equipped to validate the Compass Card will not be designed to recognize bus tickets acquired via cash payments, thus likely compelling riders to pay a second time in order to use the SkyTrain.

This double transit fee has been much-maligned and received negatively enough that a petition to stop the double transit fee has been started, and is gaining steam. So far, over 5500 Vancouverites have signed the plea to Translink CEO Ian Jarvis asking for the disposal of the double fare system, or for the remodelling of the fare gates to make them capable of recognizing bus tickets.

Translink promptly responded to the public outcry with a press release stating that riders with either the Compass Card or a Compass ticket will be able to transfer from buses to SkyTrains, but the same could not be said for riders who buy their tickets with cash. The release states that, “It is only customers who purchase fares on buses with cash who will not be able to use those transfers to transfer to rail — approximately 6000 customers per day out of our 1.2 million daily rides.”

× Ksenia Kozhevnikova

CAUSES FOR CONCERN WITH COMPASS CARD

The petition’s call for potentially altering fare boxes and gates to make them compatible to bus tickets was rebuffed by Translink, with release saying, “We determined that converting bus fare boxes to issue passes that would access the fare gates would cost about $25 million, is not a cost-effective solution, and would take a long time to implement.”

TRY, TRY AGAIN FORMULA FOR SUCCESS COMPLEX, BUT WORTH IT Samantha Thompson

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Stand at the front of any classroom at Capilano University and you will be faced with row upon row of glowing computer logos. The growing popularity of using laptops in class has resulted in professors having to take drastic actions to ensure students stay on-task –including a professor at York who encouraged students to tattle on others who were browsing websites unrelated to class.

“I used a laptop sometimes in class to take notes, but sometimes found it distracting because of the easy access I had to the Internet, games, or photos,” says Liane Salo, a recent graduate of Capilano’s Magazine Publishing program. She adds that using a laptop does have its benefits, as students can take notes faster, and it is easier to print out multiple copies to assist fellow classmates.

A recent study, published in the journal Computers and Education, examined the growing laptop trend and suggested that using a laptop in class lowers the grades of both the laptop-user and their fellow classmates. The study compared the results of two groups, each of which were to complete a multiple-choice exam following a university level

lecture. The first group used laptops, and were told to browse other sites when they felt they had time. The second used pens and paper, with a few students still using their laptops. Students multitasking on their computers, as well as the people around those users, scored significantly lower on their final test. While this study is not the first to examine the role laptops play in the classroom, it does suggest that students should think twice about bringing the laptop to class if they are going to become distracted, especially because of the impact it can have on their peers.

“It can be very distracting to sit behind students with laptops in class who aren’t using them for taking notes,” says Salo. “I’ve seen people watching TV shows, playing games, or surfing Facebook – and as much as I might be trying to pay attention in class, it’s distracting when all of that is right in front of you.”

While the study specifically examined laptops’ effects on student success, Alison Parry, the Learning Skills Specialist at Capilano University, notes that succeeding in post-secondary education is affected by a number of diverse factors. ”Students need to really think about how actively they are engaging with the material. To actively remember information, you need to study

in such a way that requires you to be active and to do something with the information yourself.”

Engaging actively with the information could include reading the information out loud, or simply rewriting the information again and again. One of the most concerning aspects of laptop use is that the notes are written in class and then not reviewed again until the exam. This, argues Parry, defeats the purpose of having them in the first place.

“The main benefit of a laptop is that for most students, they can take notes faster,” she says. “The technology enables you to take notes more efficiently. It saves you time.”

However, says Parry, the faster you do something, the less you absorb of the activity. Taking notes on a computer won’t put the information into long-term memory, but reviewing them will aid in that process.

“What a lot of students don’t realize is that a lot of the learning you do for the material doesn’t take place in the classroom,” says Parry. “It takes place in the independent study time.”

The recommended ratio for study to class time is 2:1 – meaning for three hours of lecture, students should have an additional six hours of independent study as well.

“It takes self-discipline and maturity to sit down

and do work when other people want you to play a video game or go out,” she says. “There are a million other better things [to be doing]. That ability to say no, to stick to your plan and do your work before your play is definitely a key to success.”

Capilano offers Student Success workshops, which are designed to give students skills and strategies in 45-minute sessions that are meant to fit into even the busiest of schedules. The workshops cover everything from note-taking, to textbook reading, to healthy relationships. The workshops are run by the Learning Specialist and the university’s counselling department, and are scheduled regularly throughout each semester, free of charge.

“You’ve only got 13 weeks, and you can’t wait until week five to decide to do the work. You need to sit down at week one and sit down and plan for the first exam,” says Parry. “Those are my last words of advice to any student. You need to be up on your game and doing your work and learning the material, from the very first day of classes. If things slide, come get help.”

More information about the Student Success Workshops can be found at Capilanou.ca/counselling/Student-Success-Workshops/.

THE WEED TICKET CAPC PROPOSES NEW TICKETING OPTIONS FOR MARIJUANA POSSESSION × Opinions Editor Back in September 2011, the Conservatives used their majority government to pass the Omnibus Crime Bill, despite an outcry from the Canadian public. Bill C-10 was set to create fundamental changes to almost every component of Canada’s criminal justice system, such as new criminal offences, new and increased minimum sentences, as well as the selective elimination of conditional sentencing, among other things. The polarizing new Safe Streets and Communities Act was put into place and met with fear on a national scale by critics who wondered how the tougher consequences that coincide with the bill would pan out.

Ontario anticipated Bill C-10 would result in an additional 1500 inmates and would also require the construction of new prison facilities – which sounds like a whole lot of money.

On August 20, the Canadian Association of Police Chiefs ratified a resolution to the current conservative hard line drug policy and put forth a “ticketing option” comparable to the decriminalization of simple Cannabis possession. The need for reform speaks directly to a harsh system currently in place that is not working. The new proposal is a small step towards what we have seen happen in both Washington State and Colorado.

not be tackling issues that continue to plague drug culture. The ticketing option does not address the social and psychological outcomes of drug use such as youth possession, drug addiction, or criminality. This is a small change and most likely the best alternative to our current Federal policies. There is hope that the new loosened attitude on simple cannabis possession will lead to a more multi faceted program that will tend to the tribulations that result from drug use on a social level.

There is a sweeping change in the outlook on marijuana that has been making strides in changing even the most conservative opinions. The intention is to readjust the negative reputation cannabis has and replacing it with something more thoughtful and relevant to the population today comparable to the health principles that have helped to curb teen tobacco use. The ultimate goal is to decrease and regulate crime while upping education with hopes this will create more responsible, aware, and hopefully less drug users.

“What I think everybody believes is that the current approach is not working. But it is not clear what we should do,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper said at a summit in Cartagena, Columbia in 2012. This is a startling quote from the political leader that has been so integral in the upping the penalties and charges for connections. Was marijuana on the forefront of his mind when backpedaling?

The proposal has been set and the wheels are in motion for a change in our drug policies. The ticketing option will be able to save a large amount of money and become a large cog in the move towards decriminalization. Maybe it’s time for Canada to find its bearings and get up to speed on the outdated policies and laws currently in place. × Ksenia Kozhevnikova

Faye Alexander

“While this resolution is, albeit, a small first step in addressing a law that is clearly outdated and destructive to individuals, families, and the justice system itself, we welcome the news that Canada’s police chiefs have taken the leadership to openly acknowledge that the system is broken and requires change,” said Canadian Drug Policy Coalition Executive Director Donald MacPherson.

“The current process of sending all simple possession of cannabis cases under the Controlled Drug and Substances Act (CDSA) to criminal court is placing a significant burden on the entire Justice System from an economic and resource utilization perspective,” stated CACP President Chief Constable Jim Chu. The CACP stands firm that they do not support the decriminalization or legalization of cannabis in Canada, but the current laws create a conflict.

When confronted with the simple possession of cannabis, police have to choose whether to turn a blind eye or lay down charges that will result in a criminal conviction and a criminal record.

The new proposal intends to reduce the burden on policing and judicial resources while freeing up funds for more serious matters. The ticketing option will also let those caught in the act get off without a criminal record which can otherwise put individuals in a bad situation when looking for employment or travelling internationally.

In the bigger picture, even the new proposal will

DIRTY WATER Katherine Gillard × News Editor

× Andrew Palmquist

SEWAGE AND E. COLI LEVELS IN METRO VAN. RAISE HEALTH CONCERN ties for the area, as well as working on a plan to separate the three systems. The two new treatment facilities combined will cost 1.5 billion dollars and are scheduled to be finished by 2020 and 2030.

The new systems could end up costing homeowners much more than what they are paying right now. The region’s residents will be paying 23 per cent more for utilities than today, costing almost $100 more per month by 2018. Vancouver has proposed more than just two filtration plants, including the Seymour-Capilano Filtration Project, ultraviolet disinfection to Coquitlam and a new tunnel beneath the Fraser River to bring drinking water to Surrey. This will be costly for the government, but coming all from the taxpayer’s hands.

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The case against Metro Vancouver will go to Provincial Court on October 16, although the Georgia Strait Alliance has pursued similar charges in the past against Metro Vancouver and lost. For now, Vancouver Coastal Health is working on creating more educational information available to the boating community in Vancouver on safe disposal of waste.

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could lead to illnesses that have side effects such as nausea, diarrhea and vomiting.

She continues, “The exact cause of the high E. coli count is unknown but there are likely multiple contributors such as sewage from City crossconnections and storm drain run-off; hot weather speeding up bacterial growth in the water; lack of tidal flush in certain areas; increased human and waterfowl/wildlife/domestic pet activity on the beach...”

Another possible explanation for the increased levels of bacteria on Vancouver beaches could be direct sewage from Metro Vancouver. The federal government recently charged Metro Vancouver with releasing raw sewage into Burrard Inlet, and are taking the Greater Vancouver Sewerage and Drainage District to court. According to the charges filed under the Fisheries Act by Environment Canada the sewage leakage happened in July 2011.

During the rainy season, the sewage system can back up and overflow from heavy rains, which can also dilute the problem in the ocean. The point at which the leakage occurred was at Brockton Point in Stanley Park, where Vancouver, Burnaby and New Westminster have a shared sewage system which also can lead to overflowing issues. Metro Vancouver is working on new treatment facili-

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Vancouver has faced some unsafe water problems this Summer, starting with an E. coli breakout at Sunset Beach and Second Beach, followed shortly by accusations from Environment Canada claiming that Metro Vancouver has been pumping sewage into the Burrard Inlet. These two issues are causing problems in the waters used recreationally in Vancouver.

On August 8, Vancouver Coastal Health issued a warning for Sunset and Second beaches because of high coliform levels, meaning that they are unsafe for swimming or wading. At the beginning of August, Sunset Beach was at 320 coliform level and Second beach was at 210 coliform level per 100 milliliters of water. Jessica Ip, Senior Environmental Health officer from Vancouver Coastal Health commented, “Metro Vancouver area beaches are monitored throughout the swimming season to

determine compliance with the Canadian Recreational Water Quality Guidelines, 2012. These guidelines recommend a level of 200 E. coli bacteria per 100 milliliters of water for primary contact recreational activities.”

The E. coli values for the Metro Vancouver area beaches are updated weekly based on sampling results provided by the Metro Vancouver Water Quality Laboratory and the Provincial Laboratory.

Vancouver Coastal Health publicly announced the water was unsafe for any primary contact water activities. Ip explained, “Primary contact activities include swimming, surfing, water skiing, in which the whole body or face and trunk are frequently immersed or wetted, and where water will likely be swallowed.”

The E. coli bacteria are associated with human or animal fecal contamination, and are able to grow stronger in the water during warmer seasons. During the summer recreational boaters often dispose of their sewage and waste in close proximity to English Bay. Anna Marie D’Angelo from Vancouver Health says that “People swimming or wading will have an increased chance of having a gastrointestinal illness when the E. coli count is 200 E. coli per 100 ml water or more.”

For now, both beaches have exceeded standards for swimming or wading and are unsafe. This

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Columns

COLUMNS EDITOR ×

LEAH SCHIETEL × E D I T O R @ C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . C O M

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Scott Moraes

WHEN DID GLUTEN BECOME THE ENEMY? ers and ads which are increasingly propagandistic, and completely make their own plea a mockery, gluten-tolerant people suddenly declare themselves allergic to gluten and attempt to “spread the allergy,” and utter paranoia about very moderate consumption of anything deemed “bad for you.”

Mostly, what’s really bothersome about this nutrition monster is the simplistic notion that somehow there's just one optimal diet that needs to be standardized. This is problematic in many ways. It ignores geography, ecology, seasonality, and seems to ignore the vast network in which food is always inevitably entrenched. We, as a generation fed on unhealthy industrialized food, have become so obsessed with personal nutrition that we've forgotten everything else that food has always been about: biology, culture, social interaction, economic wheel, flavour, even art. I'd venture a guess that that obsession has a lot to do with our self-centered lives, but I don't mean to go on a tirade against Western egotism. I mean self-centered in that it removes food from its broader contexts - international trade, environmental impacts, labour inputs, historical continuum - and focuses exclusively on personal health. Or at least the will to achieve it.

As for scientists, a short appraisal: science is bound by trial and error, by theories, conjectures, dilemmas, conflicts, and imperfect information.

As much as I would love to rely on them for some objectivity, that seems to be in very short supply, especially when it comes to nutrition. No reason to panic. Because we have instincts that have kept us going for a long time: that eating should be

Scott Moraes once picked out what kind of food we ate as proof, and it took over three hours to come. He loves and tends to his food with passion normally reserved for loved ones and cute things. In this column, he explains and explores why he cares about his food, and why you should too.

pleasurable, relaxed and balanced, not paranoid or stressful. Certain instincts can be more valuable than all the “hard evidence” nutritional “science” has given us to try guide us. That is not to say that it is completely useless, just that I wish it weren't the one and only domineering guiding star. I see some extremists “feeding themselves” in a manner so devoid of pleasure for taste. If they could, they'd just as soon be fed by an IV line, or just take super pills.

Food has been reduced to a collective of chemical compounds that we need to mathematically and systematically fulfill. The increasing presence of food supplements and meal replacement shake mixes is scary because in my brain I've always thought (understood, knew, felt!) that food came from somewhere (a farm, the sea, animals) and looked like something (purple like an eggplant, red like a tomato, yellow like a lemon). Pills and powders seem to evoke laboratories in my brain, and that doesn't whet my appetite or evoke any imagery in my starved imagination. We're all somewhat biased, myself included. I have a soft spot for the old fashioned diets, the tried and true – the green pastures, the monks making cheese (and alcohol), the routine tit-squeezing, the warm raw milk, the

fresh vegetables of the season. Perhaps it is silly to be fond of a bygone era, but perhaps it can be revived to the benefit of us all.

I'm willing to compromise. For me, health consciousness and indulgence are not conflicting ideals. If people were to apply a label to me, they'd probably call me a slow foodist flexitarian, and that would be fairly accurate. I'm fascinated by food and the many different contexts it is part of, and it pains me to see people pushed so far into opposing and short-sighted extremes. Is there really no common ground, a place where butter croissants and kale chips can happily co-exist?

Obviously, I'm a guy with more questions than answers. I have a serious case of relativism (although biased, I have admitted it). I can only hope that my perpetual curiosity will lead to a less constrained understanding of how everything is connected. There's a lot incredibly wrong with the way we grow food and eat it – that must be a consensus. Maybe there is one single truth and solution that we have to strive to reach, but I strongly feel that the answers will come from intersections between different perspectives. In a nutshell: food is sexy, religion is not. Thou shalt not be ideological. This is my food commandment. Amen.

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× Sydney Parent

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Somewhere along my deranged glutinous life, I missed the newscast. Picking up signals from the shitwaves of public debate about food, I've gathered that in the collective imagination, gluten has become worse than E. Coli, worse than Monsanto, worse than hormone-pumped chickens swarming in their own shit, worse than margarine on Wonder Bread. I’m exaggerating, but sadly, my conclusion is that ideologues are getting more time at the microphone than people with doubts or reservations.

Nutrition ideologies seem to spawn with rapidity. For every pundit telling you that there's a certain optimum way of eating, there's another one telling you the exact opposite. Given the state of utter confusion, subscribing to one or another “view” is hardly an issue of being dumb or smart anymore. Food fads come and go faster than you can ask “But why...?”

The spectrum of diets - and often accompanying body of rules - seems to grow more diversified than any other hot topic. You have the broad categories then some appallingly restrictive sectarianism.

I have no issues with freedom of choice, and I understand that people tend to subscribe to packaged explanations because it's often more comfortable than perpetual doubt and search. We cling to particular diets and ideologies just as we do to religion for guidance. But increasingly, more food ideologies appear to be enhanced and distanced from each other in a terrifying religious-like manner, in which morals and prescriptions are followed and enforced with fervour, and room for reasonable debate grows narrower. There’s PETA stick-

× Columnist

HUMANS PLUNDERING PETRO FOR PROFITS & POVERTY to adequate housing described, “appalling living conditions” and “the asphyxiation of livelihoods and traditional practices” due to “the destructive impact of oil extraction activities” in Buffalo Lake.

Lacking sanitation and safe drinking water, Lubicon Band Council member Dwight Gladue states, “There are no human rights here. They don’t exist.

And the proof is in our graveyards. We’re having suicides now. There is no future that the young people see, and they basically give up.”

If indigenous peoples living in the north quit protecting the land, who will be left standing but the oil companies? In the spring of 2011, the largest Alberta oil spill in three decades exploded over traditional Lubicon territory, dumping at least 4.5 million litres of crude oil onto their lands. This event was hardly heard by Canadians but has been felt like a slow and poisonous tsunami by the Lubicon Cree.

It is hard to believe that this and countless similar stories are happening in the 21st century in Canada; a place where clean water and healthcare are made accessible to all and the biggest worry many people face is staying connected to their social networks. Decades have passed since the UN General Assembly first made recommendations for our government to affirm the indigenous rights of the Lubicon. Such international voices, like that of the UN, have been tuned out, and the greed and blatant ignorance plaguing Canada’s north is growing quite old. Are we fooling ourselves into thinking we have moved beyond the destruction and barbarity of European colonialism, pillaging this land and its people of the natural resources we are meant to utilize and share responsibly, all for the sake of foreign trade and Asian relations? It

× Columnist

Christine Janke is the kind of soul that cares for all of the ones around her. Her education in Human Rights from Malmo University in Sweden has allowed her to look at the world in a different light. Her Humans column will delve into human rights, in Canada and aboard.

really does sound like history on repeat.

Industrial land development has bred an out-ofsight, out-of-mind mentality that is on clear display in Canada where approximately 90 per cent of the total population hardly ventures north of the lower 10 per cent of our country. What is largely unseen in the north and what the current conservative government does not want you to fully grasp is the real impact northern development is having on natural habitats and, in turn, on us as humans.

Let us not think that due to our relatively distant location to oil extraction sites that we are not affected as well. Water is fluid and cannot be isolated in specific bodies of water and by rigid lines. Water is constantly on the move; everything is connected.

If nature is suffering 1000kilometres north of us, there is an unseen connection and response within our environment here in the south. We cannot forget how fortunate we are to live in the second largest country in the world, littered with natural, green beauty that acts as a filter for pollution and combats man-made destruction. This land sustains us, and we must make efforts to sustain the land.

Required is a certain attitude of harmonious living and an implementation of the environmental science and technology we are aware of today.

Only when our human right to a clean and hospitable environment is ensured can we all enjoy our

vital right to health as well.

Each and every one of us is as important as the next. Our Prime Minister himself does not deserve any greater rights or higher privileges than a recent immigrant or an indigenous person. We are all Canadians and for that matter, we are all humans with the same basic needs. We must reprioritize the current national agenda, placing people above international politics and short-term economic prosperity. Canada has the opportunity to show the rest of humanity that the twenty - first century is a time where the human race has evolved past the methods of conquest and plunder for survival.

I am all for Canada using its natural environment to create a functional and prosperous society. But when the goal is profit over people, and the buyers and sellers are largely foreign, it seems to be a losing situation for everyone but multinational corporations. As a democratic nation, where the people’s needs and rights are the reason for the government itself, we need to take back control. This political spirit of complacency must be snuffed out and we must take seriously the value of human life as outlined in the Canadian Constitution and international human right conventions.

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× Emily McGratten

Steven Harper’s recent “Arctic Tour” promoting economic development in Canada’s northwest may be lined with attractive promises of wealth and jobs for Canadians, but there’s more to this than just a quest for resources. The reality is that such blatant propaganda fails to look beyond the fiscal benefits of international trade and into the effects such resource development has on the environment and upon the health of Canadians.

Yes, job creation is important for Canada’s future, especially in today’s post-2008 economic battle, but many jobs could be created in Canada’s north with a green, clean, and sustainable focus. There are many alternate options. Under the current approach, the most basic human rights of Canadians living in northern communities are being violated in favour of capitalistic gain and foreign investments.

Once self-sufficient, breathing clean air, and drinking clean water from the Boreal forest, northern indigenous peoples have grown increasingly dependent upon social services for survival. Serious health problems have swept through areas like Buffalo Lake, Alberta, which has been home to the Lubicon Cree for millennia. Many types of cancer, a tuberculosis epidemic affecting one third of their population, and reproductive problems such as, 19 stillbirths out of 21 pregnancies in an 18 month period are just a few of the health problems as a result of land development. Smack dab in the middle of the Athabasca oil country, the Lubicon are a people who have been fighting for land rights since the 1980s, while being opposed by provincial and federal governments mindlessly dancing to the beat of foreign oil companies. In 2007, the United Nations Special Rapporteur on the right

Christine Janke

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make her dance

Daniel Harf

× Columnist Daniel Harf loves music so much that his shoelaces have music notes on them. Being an East Van native, he knows the ins-and-outs of the music scene in Vancouver and BC all too well, and with this column, will give us glimpse into it.

BC SUMMER FESTIVALS IN REVIEW Every year somebody whips out a calculator, schedule, and some Tylenol to start a new music fest in small town B.C. It must be high percentage of return (or else dope growers have had an upsurge of laundering opportunities) as B.C. is now the music festival capital of Canada. Here are just a few in review:

SQUAMISH FEST She was 20-nothing, draped in customary neon regalia and high out of her mind when she collapsed on her back in front of me. I was leaning over to help her up when she broke into her contortionist routine. Vampire Weekend was thumping through “Horchata” when a frat boy came stumbling over her, nearly collapsing her rib cage. Bending down to see how she was doing the two began feverishly rolling around the ground sucking face like saliva was the antidote to obnoxious sub mixes. This is the ultimate welcome to Squamish.

If you managed to leave your booze stash in the camping area or carelessly tossed your empties in the nearby creek, you may have caught Akil - from ’90s hip hop legend Jurassic 5 - spitting a verse.

Eyes to the sky, he crowd surfed across the groping crowd. Macklemore, a Frisbee toss away, had the audience throwing their arms up like the ceiling couldn’t hold them as he proceeded to walk across the crowd. You had to be on top of your crowd surf game to honour what seemed like a full fledged re-

vival. Even Dan Mangan carefully scaled the stage barriers to float atop his adoring fans.

Squamish Live certainly had the talent to walk away with this summer’s B.C. music festival championship. Unfortunately, the chaotic programming and site grounds positioned the music as a backdrop to tweens tumbling through liquor drenched hormones at the biggest frat party of the summer. It was just alright.

KELOHA If year two of Keloha was your first B.C. festival this summer, then you may have been thrown off by the inaugural run of foxtails, dollar store accessories and Ray Ban-ripoffs. Once you turned down the hate (shot gunning a couple of Big Surf beers helped), the skin soaked fest was more of a treat than a burden. Besides, who has more fun than drunken white people on a sunny lake while the Arkells nail a rock-soul fusion of Jackson 5’s “I want you back”?

Toronto based hip-hop artist, Shad, almost had his set burned by the sun when his DJ’s laptop fizzled out half way through. Shad wasn’t fazed.

He threw down some heavy acapella verses, then pulled out his guitar and launched into a duo with Arkell’s lead singer Max Kerman. The performance gymnastics kept the audience engaged, thinking: “Is he going to pull this off?” and Shad, flipping

verbal gainers off the stage, kept facial expression that read: “Ya, I got this.”

On Sunday night, Capital Cities from Los Angeles, brought their lighthearted, electro-disco-pop show to a primed crowd. The pseudo-comedy act, dressed in matching black bomber jackets, busted synchronized dance moves and dub-step breakdowns that had even hipster-haters loosening their jeans.

The crutch of the talent line up ended up being the headliner: MGMT. In a protest to their considerably recent fan base, the band refused to play the hits that got them to where they are today. The lackluster performance of B-side tunes had most of the audience storming out insulted. They casually confided in each other; “Fuck MGMT.” Keloha organizers nailed the programming, good sound, and top notch hospitality. Hard to beat.

ATLIN MUSIC FESTIVAL “Where the fuck is Atlin?” is probably what you’re thinking right now. Pretend you ended up in Whitehorse. Maybe you were hard up for some mining work, or you mistook it for White Rock at the tail end of a weeklong bender and accidentally caught a flight to the Yukon. Either way, on the

CRAZY HAPPY HEALTHY

Kendra Perry × Columnist

Kendra Perry skis, hikes, and rock climbs a lot. When not venturing around the mountains around Nelson, BC, she is writing on her blog, Crazyhappyhealthy. com, where she turns her education into articles for others, and will be the inspiration for this column.

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THE HEALTHY REALIZATIONS

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We all want to be healthy. Unfortunately, being healthy isn’t always the easiest thing. With a plethora of things to do and people to see, finding time for ourselves is often challenging. Sometimes just knowing how to take care of ourselves is the challenge. Just punch your health issue into Google and see how much information pops up. Much of this information is conflicting and confusing.

Figuring it all out is something many of us just don't seem to have time for or really care to learn.

I know this firsthand. I always thought I was “healthy” and never gave the food I was eating the daily stress I was experiencing, or the party lifestyle I was living much thought. That was until I had a complete health crisis at the age of twenty three.

I had just switched to a new brand of hormonal birth control called Diane-35, which my doctor had recommended to me. This was the threshold moment that pushed my internal state into chaos.

Shortly after beginning this new course of pills, my skin broke out in hard, painful cysts on my cheeks and back. They would stay there for months before disappearing. My skin turned a ghostly white colour and my body began to retain water.

There was also the emotional turmoil. I was crying all the time for no apparent reason, and felt so crazy that I wanted go see a therapist. My doctor told me my body was just getting used to the pill and the side effects would eventually subside.

After a few months of waiting it out and only

feeling worse, I discontinued the pill. After some research, I discovered Diane-35 was intended for severe acne or with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, neither of which I had. Additionally, I learned this pill had been recalled all over Europe, due to a significant increased risk of blood clots.

Over the next five years, I experienced a range of seemingly random symptoms. The worst of all being a nasty case of acne. This caused destruction to my self-confidene and was at a loss of what I could do to fix it. I saw many doctors, who prescribed me everything from antibiotics, to more birth control pills to Accutane (a retinoid drug with side effects ranging from dry eyes to birth defects). Finally, with my skin only getting worse, I decided to change my focus.

Conventional doctors had failed to help me and I began seeing numerous alternative health practitioners, including Naturopathic Doctors, Holistic Nutritionists and Chinese Medicine Doctors. I tried natural supplements, restrictive diets, cleanses, even light therapy and chemical peels.

But the acne continued and I was more desperate than ever.

The battle ensued until I decided enough was enough. I was done with acne, and all the negative emotions that came with it. It was time to move on. I really started to look at my life and habits and began to commit to change. I finally accepted that one supplement, cutting out one type of food,

second weekend of July, you could catch a lift two hours North along a partially paved highway into Atlin, B.C. (population a generous 500) for the Atlin Arts and Music Festival (population 3,000).

The festival has a long tradition of bringing in some of the world’s top end Bluegrass bands like the classy Gibson Brothers. Don’t let the rows of theatre-style lawn chairs fool you, this is no softseater. Hawksley Workman’s quirky stage banter and grooving keyboardist Todd Lumley brought everyone to their feet, and headliner Harry Manx’s soulful blues kept them there. And yes, there was crowd surfing. Spending winter with as little as three hours of daylight, the summer’s vitamin D created a manic crowd vibe.

The festival was all about walking around town to the nearly hundred-year-old Global theatre, staring glazed across icy glacier mountains and jumping into water that can only be described as beyond temperature. This festival was an instant hangover cure for Keloha.

Choose your poison: picturesque arctic mountains, indie pop-rock bands, or high profile wildstyle bush party. Ultimately, you’ll find something at any B.C. festival - it just won’t necessarily be the music.

or washing my face with one product was not the answer. The fundamentals needed to change.

18 months since then, I can say that I am the healthiest I have ever been. There are occasional mild breakouts and I feel happy and healthy and completely amazing.

The acne was a disguised blessing. Without such a healthy realization, I would have continued my conventional ways, and was lucky enough to see the imbalances on my face, forcing me to change my life. My struggle with acne has helped me discover my passion for natural health and I am currently studying to be a Registered Holistic Nutritionist with the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition.

This is my mission statement: I think we all could use a little change in our lives. Most of us are looking for a quick fix, and that's understandable.

Our lives are demanding and often devoid of extra time. Unfortunately when it comes to health, there are no quick fixes.

Modern day medicine has been a wonderful thing. It’s excellent at treating trauma cases and

finding disease, but unfortunately, it still falls short. There is no emphasis on preventative medicine and nutrition is something few doctors know a thing about.

We treat symptoms and do little to determine underlying cause. Pharmaceutical companies finance health research and the result is billions of consumer dollars being spent on chemical drugs, that do nothing to fix us or make us healthier.

My personal opinion is, with the exception of a handful of genetic conditions, everything is preventable and even reversible through diet and other lifestyle changes. Your body is an amazing machine, and it wants to work, and be in balance.

You already have the tools to be crazy, happy, and healthy, you just need to learn how to make them work.

A healthy lifestyle is not always easy, but has its rewards. An organic and natural lifestyle may not be easy to accomplish, but it’s a personal goal of mine, and education, for others and myself, is the first step on that path.

arts

ARTS EDITOR ×

ANDY RICE × A R T S @ C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . C O M

THE ART OF FOOD PRESENTATION BECAUSE CHICKEN DOESN'T LOOK FINGER LICKIN' GOOD ALL BY ITSELF Alessandra Felice

with ornamental and sometimes sculptural consumables. It may be drizzled with sauces, sprinkled with seeds, powdered, or other toppings, or it may be accompanied by edible or inedible garnishes.

From the dining room of Café Il Nido on Thurlow Street, owner Franco Felice explains three simple steps to help feed the eye: “the look, the flavour, the amount.” The art of food presentation, he says, is “like a painting. There is the composition of colour, the look, and the depth to the amount.”

The amount is the key to the look. If a customer orders a meal and immediately sees that there is too much on the plate they will know that they will not be able to eat it. But at the same time, if there is too little on the plate then they will know that they could finish the meal in one bite. “It’s

balance,” he says as he places down a spaghetti dish that’s been cooked with sautéed prawns, fresh tomatoes, fennel, white wine, chili flakes and extra virgin olive oil. The dish has beautiful, light colors that give it a look of freshness and the flavour is on a whole other level of sweet chili and savory goodness. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, says Felice, and if there is no effort put into the presentation then immediately someone will know “there is no passion coming from the cook.”

With Italian dishes, such as those that grace the tables of Café Il Nido, presentation is just as important as taste. However, this isn’t always the case when it comes to the cuisines of other countries.

Mijune Pak, the Vancouver food blogger behind Followmefoodie.com, explains how food presenta-

ACHIEVING EPIC GRAPENESS

tion can very much be a cultural thing. “In North America or in traditional fine dining French context, food presentation plays an important role,” she says. “That being said, stews, one pot wonders, curries, and whole chickens and fish served from head to tail are more appetizing to ethnic cultures than to North American culture.” Asian cuisine, says Pak, is something that completely steers away from making food look “pretty.” Instead, it’s about symbolism and superstitions, which are not naturally understood by outside cultures. “In Japanese cuisine, it is the art of sushi making, not the colours and components, that give it justice.

In French cuisine you need white space on the plate and not to fill the plate, but an Asian culture would see this as poor hospitality to serve a plate that isn't full.”

A very multicultural place from sushi joints to taco houses, a variety of ethnic restaurants exist on almost every street in almost every neighborhood in almost every city. With so much diversity and competition among establishments, food presentation can be a very important tool for catching the eye and drawing in potential diners. Flavours may vary, quantities may vary, and appearance may vary, but one thing stays the same: each culture has its own way of intriguing people through the presentation of its food, and each method is deemed beautiful in its own way. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

× Crystal Lee

Sitting down at a hidden little romantic restaurant patio, you hear the small chatter of couples talking about their day. You sip contently at a glass of Chianti while waiting for an order of spaghetti.

Seeing the dish appear in front of you, you are suddenly amazed with the rich colours and the way the spaghetti has carelessly fallen on the plate.

The sweet, spicy aroma slowly crawls through your nose making you aware that this meal looks as good as it smells. Winding the spaghetti around your fork and placing the bundle squarely on your tongue, an explosion of flavour bursts in your mouth. What made you sure that you could put a mouthful of spaghetti in your mouth? Was it the rich aromas? Was it the little-bit-too-much wine you had that made you involuntarily take a bite?

No. Like listening to the first note of a song, or reading the first line of a story that makes you want to read more, it was that first look of the dish that made you so intrigued. That first look is called food presentation.

Food presentation is the art of modifying, processing, arranging, or decorating food to enhance its aesthetic appeal. The visual presentation of foods is often considered by chefs at many different stages of food preparation - from the type of cut used in chopping and slicing meats or vegetables, to the style of tin mould used in a poured dish, to the arrangement of the dish. The food itself may be decorated, as in elaborately iced cakes topped

× Crystal Lee

× Writer

FIVE KNOCKOUT WINES FIT FOR A STUDENT BUDGET Andy Rice × Arts Editor

Stump Jump, Shiraz - $14.99 “This red is proof that you really don’t need to re-

Wine doesn’t have to be intimidating or expensive, and these five picks are proof of that. Sure, a 1.5 litre bottle of Inniskillin will always get the job done on a budget, but it won’t turn any heads.

Why not add a touch of class to a date, or show up to a party with an edible conversation piece, especially if it costs even less than some of the vinegar collecting dust in the bargain bin at Liquor Barn?

All it takes is a trip to the local wine store and a quick chat with a friendly wine guide to get some bubbly and some inspiration flowing.

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Dos Fincas, Torrontes - $17.99 “This one is a wild card,” says Ley, “It’s one of those wines that you can bring to a party and look cool.” Torrontes is the native white grape of Argentina, and according to Ley, this particular wine is highly aromatic, falling under a similar category as Gewurztraminer and Riesling. Unlike other variet-

Legado Munoz, Garnacha - $13.99 “Go to a wine party filled with college students and you’ll tend to see a lot of the typical brands like Jackson Triggs, Yellow Tail, and others,” says Ley. For those who want something far more special at a similar price point, he recommends Legado Munoz’ Garnacha. “At $13.99, this Spanish red is a hell of a bargain, and an instant party pleaser.

Full of dark berry flavors and a spicy earthiness, this wine would kill at a Lebanese pot luck, or make a fine reward after a long cold day up at Seymour.” (Fun fact: Garnacha is known as Grenache in Spanish. Now there’s an icebreaker!) “If there’s one wine that will make you look sophisticated, taste incredible, and not put a dent in your wallet, this fills all those requirements, and then some,” says Ley.

sort to the big companies like Yellow Tail to find an affordable and well-made Australian Shiraz,” says Ley. “D’Arenberg is an excellent Australian house run by fourth-generation wine maker Chester Osborne.” Their Stump Jump series offers several high quality wines at very reasonable prices, and the entire collection is environmentally conscious.

“Stump Jump Shiraz is redolent of raspberries and plum, with a peppery fullness that just begs for a burger, or maybe a vegetarian ratatouille,” he says.

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Aresti, Chardonnay - $13.99 “Chardonnay is not just your mother’s overly oaked California export,” says Ley. “This Chilean treat is cheap, and great for that creamy seafood pasta recipe you’ve been wanting to impress your partner with.” Aresti’s Chardonnay is unoaked with citrus and stonefruit flavours throughout.

“This is a white for appies, fish, or a sun drenched picnic,” he says.

ies, it remains “a bit more downplayed and subtle than its over-the-top aromatic cousins.” Apple, pear, and peach notes with heavy floral aromatics are all packed into this reasonably affordable, unique wine.

×

Sachetto, “Owl” Prosecco - $16.99 Sparkling wine may sound fancy, but not every bottle comes with a high price tag. “Everyone’s looking for bubbles, especially at parties,” says Ley. “But let’s face it, nobody is paying you to go to Psych 100, and that bottle of Dom Perignon in the neighborhood wine store might be a tad too upscale for your friend’s band’s CD release party.”

Ley recommends the Sachetto house out of Italy’s Veneto region, known for consistently great wines

at very accessible prices. Their “Owl” Prosseco, (so nicknamed for the cartoon owl that adorns the label) is “everything you could want in a lightly bubbled wine at a student’s price.” Clocking in at $16.99, this wine boasts light flavors of peaches, a crisp finish, and of course those celebratory bubbles.

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Beer, coolers, and hard liquor may reign supreme in the mini fridges of the average university student, but wine remains a beverage well worth exploring. Contrary to popular belief, this savoury nectar of the grapevine isn’t just for the wealthy and the well-informed. Such funds and insight are an added bonus, of course, but many unique and impressive options exist even for those who have just emptied their pockets at the registrar’s office or know next to nothing about fermented grape juice.

The Courier has teamed up with Max Ley, a college student and wine guide at Liberty Wine Merchants’, to assemble a list of five great bottles, all available for under $20.

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3rd beach to cape spear × Jennie Paganetti logo design

CYCLIST RIDES ACROSS CANADA IN HONOUR OF HIS FATHER Leah Scheitel × Editor-in-Chief

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On May 10, the Hustle for the Heart started at Third Beach, one of Cameron’s favorite spots in Vancouver, and he rode between 8,000 and 8,500 km in 55 days, averaging over 150 km a day. And on August 16, he reached Cape Spear, the eastern most tip of North America, nine years to the day that his dad passed. “It was just a perfect ending.

I grabbed my bike and lifted it over my head. I had ran out of road. You’re never at peace with losing a parent, or relative, but doing something that goes to commemorate them really makes you alright with it.”

As any commuter cyclist can vouch for, cycling in traffic can be terrifying, let alone biking on highways with narrow shoulders, and traffic going over 100 km an hour. “Initially, I thought the transport trucks were the biggest single thing to watch out for. But after riding for a bit I realized that they are probably the best drivers out on the road because they are professionals and if they hit

you, there goes their career. The most dangerous I’d say is rental RVs, because anyone can own a smart car, rent an RV and they don’t know the dimensions. They come too close to the shoulder.

It can get hairy.”

And when it comes to weather, Canada can be a mean place in the summer. From 5,000-foot mountain passes to rain, hail, and snow in the same day, this country is so geographically different that it could deter even Hulk Hogan from crossing it.

Yet, through all the hazards and traffic, bailing on the ride was never an option for Cameron.

“I think it’s a life changing experience. It’s definitely hard, and there’s going to be points where you want to throw your bike off a cliff and throw in the towel, but... when you take on a journey like this, you have so much support, and not only are you doing it for yourself, but you are doing it for your friends and family, and they are cheering you on. And I could never give up. There was never a

× Brian Cameron

Even from a single glance at a map, it’s easy to tell that Canada is a large country. From coast to coast, this land covers over 7,000 km of diverse terrain and expansive wilderness. But for Vancouver resident Brian Cameron, four figures and a few bears were hardly enough of a deterrent. He looked at a map of Canada and decided to bike across it.

Cameron, who returned to Vancouver on August 23, cycled from Vancouver to Newfoundland, raising money and awareness for the Heart and Stroke foundation. His campaign was dubbed Hustle for the Heart, and he had a personal motivator for the ride: to commemorate his father, who passed from a heart attack.

“I really wanted to challenge myself and do something insanely difficult,” he explains. “I thought doing something to test your body, like biking across Canada, when I’m 80 years old, I can look back and know that I pushed it to the limits and I made use of it when it did work. Once I decided I wanted to do that, I was like, ‘Well, if I’m going to do this, I need to do this for a good cause.’ And so the Heart and Stroke foundation was the obvious answer since I had lost both my dad and my grandfather at 56.”

Cameron grew up in Ottawa, but has been living out west for a decade. Throughout his trip, he had the support and love of his friends and family, which is something he says is an “unreal feeling.”

“My mom rode with me from just outside of Ottawa - there is a little town called Carleton Place, and it’s actually where my dad is buried. She met me just outside of there, and we rode to my dad’s grave, and then rode into Ottawa together, and then my brother rode with me back into Vancouver.” Cameron saw many old relatives of his dad when he was in Ottawa, some he hadn’t seen in ten years.

“It was great to see everyone. They’re just so proud, and they keep telling me what I already know, and that’s that my dad would just be over the moon - and so proud.”

chance that I thought I would quit. Even if I were in an accident, I would get healthy again, and start right back where I left off.”

At different points along the way, Cameron spoke to various media outlets and magazines about his trip, raising awareness about his own personal story and about heart disease for the Heart and Stroke foundation, something that, to him, is better than raising actual money.

“It’s nice because everybody just wants to hear your story because they just can’t believe it. When you say, ‘Oh, I’ve biked here from BC,’ and you’re in Thunder Bay, as the cyclist, you don’t even realize how far you’ve gone or what you’ve done,” he explains, “I did raise money. I didn’t hit my goal, but I’m alright with that because it’s not just about the money, it’s also about the awareness and having people second guess themselves.”

As for right now, Cameron wants to take some time in Whistler before his next move and enjoy the accomplishment of cycling a vast country. A new advocate for daring yourself to push your own personal boundaries, he says he has learned a lot along the way, including two important qualities he picked up on his ride: “Patience and confidence.

Confidence because I just crossed Canada, and there’s nothing that I can’t do. If I ever question my determination, I have no reason to do that anymore,” he explains, “And patience because, in today’s society, everyone wants everything instantly.

With technology and everything like that, we want instant results. There are very few people that will put time and effort into something to see the end result. Your goal may not happen overnight, but as long as you are committed to it, and patient with it, you can do anything.”

And a word to anyone thinking of cycling across Canada: “Saskatchewan is definitely not flat, it’s slightly up. There is a slight incline to it.” Be cautious of the slanted province.

Check out Brian’s blog about his trip at Hustlefortheheart.com

FEATURES

FEATURES EDITOR × THERESE GUIEB

× S P E C I A L F E AT U R E S . C A P C O U R I E R @ G M A I L . C O M

MORE THAN JUST A FRIEND REQUEST A BACK TO SCHOOL GUIDE TO REJECTION

Carlo Javier × Staff Writer

“it’s not personal, it’s business.”

Denials that are based on credentials and what is on an individual’s résumé are not as emotionally pressing as those in a social environment. Though, both also rely on the factor of having a great first impression.

I, for one, was not accepted to my first choice of university and several denials from banks and clothing retailers have kept me employed in the same McDonald’s for more than four years. In some of these denials, I didn’t even make it to the interview phase. Even some bursaries and a lot of scholarships have not been so kind.

Outside the limitless world of social networking, approaching new people is not as simple and quick as sending a friend request. Applying for a new job is not as relaxed as asking to join a group or event.

Gathering the confidence to talk to a person of interest is… a little more exhilarating than sending direct message.

Case in point: rejection is very real.

NEW SCHOOL YEAR, NEW PEOPLE

was a high school thing. Not this time. For all of first semester, I ate lunch by myself. Yes it was lonely; nevertheless, it was a productive time. So if you’re left on your own in Capilano’s cafeteria, overwhelmed by fear of potentially not getting accepted by who you go up to. Just go ahead and get started with your homework.

REJECTION IS EVERYWHERE Even though it’s not exclusive to, rejection almost always gets associated with failed attempts at, a relationship. Most of us know how it feels: that crushingly, heart-breaking feeling that always ensues after the dreaded, “you’re a really nice guy, but….” Suddenly, all the stuttered practices and time to cough up the courage looks obsolete. The doubt and the second-guessing overwhelm the place where confidence was and it’s just downhill from there.

But again, rejection isn’t exclusive to the romantics.

Some rejections fit the old cliché saying that,

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we fear? Is it the fear of being alone?

A study by the California State University Bakersfield shows that the fear of being alone is directly related to the fear of rejection. Indicating that getting overwhelmed by denial can lead to the belief of becoming alone with no one who truly cares.

Capilano engineering student Mark Sabarre says, “I think people just aren’t accustomed to being alone, hence a fear in rejection which is fitting in a school environment when considering potential group and partner project into account.”

What’s understandable among incoming students is feeling uncomfortable around new surroundings. As mentioned, it is a chance for a reinvention of oneself. On one of my first partner projects in a political studies class, the first person I asked to work with denied my offer, I never knew why. It wasn’t something I felt too bummed about, nor do I think that it could’ve been something that would’ve made a huge difference on the work The real bummer was my adventures during my breaks for the first semester. As a first-year, I was accustomed to eating with a group of friends – it

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Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our greatest fear is… getting rejected.

What is it with the possibilities of rejection that

× Evan Hrist

So what if you get rejected? Don’t be too upset, don’t make decisions on a whim, and most importantly don’t throw it all away.

The homeless of the streets of Metro Vancouver are some people who constantly go through rejection. Even though the spare change they don’t often get look miniscule to us, to them, it more times than not makes the biggest difference.

In the most casual conversation with a homeless man, I found that as gloomy as it may sound, sometimes you may just end up getting used to constant rejection.

If, for a hundred times a day you ask for spare change and you get denied almost every time, and you do it on a daily basis. I can see how getting used to rejection becomes inevitable.

“People say no a lot, but sometimes a very nice person would come by and it’ll just make my day,” Al said.

Sometimes there is light at the end of the tunnel.

The brightest light in university is that no one really does care who you are. It’s collection of mature welcoming individuals. People go about their days peacefully and, in fact, I’m starting to believe that most students hope that someone would just spark a conversation with them.

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THE FEAR

TRIAL AND RECOVERY

the capilano courier

Among the sayings that our generation has come to dread, none could be as laden with mystique as, “it’s back to school again.” At first, it may seem exciting, but it’s not really. It may sound like it’s the end of all the fun and games we’ve gotten used to in the summer, but it really is not. However, to some students, maybe more so to first year students, there is a definite veil of allure when September comes along.

The first month of the new school year opens up a myriad of possibilities for new friendships, relationships, and opportunities. Capilano’s new student orientation provides one of those golden circumstances. The orientation places hundreds of new students in an interactive environment where it’s almost inevitable that you’ll meet someone new. When they said that this is a new beginning and that this is the time to turn over a new leaf, this definitely is. This is the perfect time to reinvent yourself.

But with all that also comes a shadow of doubt, cast from the wand of fear.

Am I going to be accepted as the individual that I am in this entirely new community, or will my struggle for approval be exactly what it is? A struggle.

The fear of rejection always looms in the back of our minds. It’s the genesis of hesitation and second-guessing when we’re about to approach other people.

As the new school year comes, so does the opportunity to meet new people, and with that – the fear of rejection comes as well. But let’s not fret, in fact, some of us already got denied by the first school of choice, so the track record didn’t exactly start off on the right foot.

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FEATURES

FEATURES EDITOR ×

THERESE GUIEB

× S P E C I A L F E AT U R E S . C A P C O U R I E R @ G M A I L . C O M

INSUFFICIENT FUND$ LACK OF FUNDING LEADS TO PROGRAM CUTS AT CAP

× Shannon Elliott

Lindsay Howe

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×

volume

47 issue N o . 01

× Web Editor & Ad Manager

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“We’re actually not a profit making enterprise,” says Capilano University President Kris Bulcroft, in response to the recent financial concerns at the university. In an era of diminishing resources, it was only a matter of time until publically funded institutions began feeling the wrath of a weakened economy. Capilano University’s Board of Governors felt it in a major way while attempting to balance the 2013-2014 university budget. While the budget has now been balanced, it came at a cost to some students and faculty at the institution and begs the question of what kinds of changes Capilano should be expecting, and how the university had such a significant shortfall to begin with.

“There’s no new government money, it’s really about government support,” says Bulcroft, who is quick to point out that this isn’t the only year Capilano has found itself in the negative. “It has to do with the fact that the cost of business has gone

up. Now we have salary increases we have to make for staff and faculty, and that was a big bite for this year because we did do some salary increases, as we should have.” With a limit on domestic tuition increases at two percent per year, increasing revenue consistently can be a challenging task for universities. One method to do so that Capilano has taken advantage of is the ability to increase international student tuition. However, there is high competition among colleges and universities not only in B.C., but worldwide, for international students. Bulcroft believes that you can only increase international tuition so much. “You can only do what the market will bear so I think all of us as presidents and board members are saying, ‘gee, can we really continue to increase international tuitions and expect students to come?’”

The Board of Governors initially found themselves with a shortfall of $3.5 million dollars for

the 2013-2014 year, later decreasing the deficit to $1.2 million, and ultimately balancing the budget by cutting programs and course availabilities at the institution. “We had to make some really hard decisions. It wasn’t a statement that the things we had to suspend were not quality, they were,” says Bulcroft. The University took into consideration programs that had low enrollment and programs that were not long term when deciding what would need to be cut. Bulcroft explains, “You look at things that you would consider short term wins and do the least amount of damage to students.” Bulcroft continues, “We were adamant that we didn’t want to cut services to students, like counseling, library hours, support tutorials, and the writing and math centre. So we tried to look at the registrar’s office and look at those things that had the least impact to the majority of students.”

Ultimately, cuts were made in Interactive De-

sign, Advanced Ceramics, Art Institute, Applied Business, Guided Imagery and Music, Studio Arts, Textile Arts, and some reductions were made in Computer Science. Under the University’s “Teach Out” policy, all students currently enrolled in programs that have been cut will be given the opportunity to complete their credential. While no new students will be admitted to the program. Studio Arts Instructor, George Rammell had intended on teaching at the university for another five years, as he has two teenagers entering university. He finds himself looking for work in the near future and concerned about the lack of availability to future students wanting to pursue the program. “Their [university administration] spin is that students can just go to Emily Carr for art courses, but the Emily Carr doesn’t even have a textiles course, there’s nothing like it west of Montreal.” Rammell continues, “ Emily Carr faculty have been sending

classes that had fewer sections, and a lack of resources to assist them with navigating the credittransfer system, for those considering completing their education at another institution.

Another issue addressed at the open dialogue event was the timing of these budget cuts. The official cuts were made well after the spring semester had finished which meant that many students already finalized their education plans for the fall, leaving them scrambling to find a new path. “Many students, such as myself, had our eye set on a specific program to enter this fall. We had registered and were sent a letter stating that an interview was coming, only to receive a letter a month later in June expressing that the program would no longer be offered,” says Barnes. “The problem with this is that by June, most other programs at Capilano and even comparable programs at other institutions had already passed their admission deadline. Leaving us frustrated and out of luck for getting in another program of our choice,” adds Barnes.

There was not a consistent feeling among students at the open dialogue event. Some were upset with the cuts, others agreed they were necessary, and some were concerned there may be a hidden agenda to shape the future of Capilano. Barnes believes these events will have an impact on the campus community. “Cap is such a small campus and has such a tight knit community that for a lot of these students it literally felt like they were being evicted from their second home.”

The CSU believes that these cuts are linked to the government’s underfunding of Capilano University. Government funding has decreased over the years while the cost for other services has increased, leaving the university with little options but to find money elsewhere, and in this case, through program cuts.

While students in the affected programs will most definitely feel the cuts the hardest, it is difficult to say at this point whether or not students in other programs will be impacted. “There will likely be some unforeseen consequences for students not enrolled in affected programs. For instance, many students were previously able to take courses in affected programs as electives,” says former Board of Governors’ student representative David Clarkson.

He also notes that, due to the nature of the cuts, being the decision to cut entire programs, most students in unaffected programs should not notice any differences. “It may also be the case that, as a result of significant decline in enrolment and maintained level of services, it may be easier for students to access those services,” Clarkson adds.

Services and other expenses at Capilano University are not all paid for from the same bank account. “There are different pots of money. The stuff that funds students in instruction is what you call the general operating grant. We have our budget, we get so much from the government, this year a little less, so you kind of know what your operating grant is,” says Bulcroft. Aside from the general operating grant, Capilano also receives one time grants for things such as capital, equipment purchases, furniture and renovations. Because these are only one time funds, they cannot be spent on things like keeping programs running as programs have ongoing costs and commitments to salaries. Bulcroft notes that members of the campus community suggested they could host a benefit or fundraiser to fill the deficit. However, it is not an option, because, similarly to the one time grants, benefits and fundraisers are a one-time gift, not an ongoing source of revenue.

Bulcroft insists that the Board of Governors did the best they could and personally responded to a large number of the concerns they received. But it’s not to say that campus life will be business as usual this fall. “It [the cuts] caused some strife in the campus community that now we are going to have to try and work hard to rebuild. Trust, confidence, and optimism,” says Bulcroft.

While the budget is now balanced and the cuts have been made official, it causes concern and leaves the campus community at Capilano cautious about their future at the institution. “I think for other students there is definitely an unsettled feeling. We have no idea if there are going to be more program cuts, and if so, which ones will be phased out. That combined with the lack of sufficient notice given to individuals affected by the program cuts it makes it difficult for a lot of people

to lay down roots at Cap,” explains Barnes.

Under the University Act, Capilano University is not allowed to submit an unbalanced budget.

Because of this, the University had to find cost savings to avoid to government balancing the budget themselves. While more money in this economic climate is highly unlikely, Bulcroft continues to liaise with government in hopes that they will be able to assist universities in another way. “Government has realized that colleges and universities are faced with a tough set of choices. There’s no new money, but at the same time government is thinking long and hard about maybe coming up with some ways to help us finance some of our capital projects,” says Bulcroft. “As well as giving us a little more flexibility in terms of how we might, for example, put fees together for students or other things,” Bulcroft adds. While none of this has happened yet, Bulcroft feels encouraged to hear the Government considering new ways to give universities more flexibility.

While Cap can’t be expecting any more money, Bulcroft believes that the quality of Capilano University can be increased even through these tough economic times. “We all knew this train was coming down the track, so the question I have for the campus community is, okay this is the landscape that we are going to live in for a while. So what are we going to do to ensure quality is not going to stay but be enhanced, and how can we work together to create a campus community that supports its students [and] models the kind of behavior that we want to see our students do in the world when they leave this place?”

In response to the possibility of additional cuts at Capilano University in the future “I’ll put it this way. I can’t promise there won’t be,” says Bulcroft.

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letters to our administration explaining that Cap’s delivery of art courses is integrated into hands on activity and a studio based practice. They recognize the unique character of our program and how they shouldn’t be advertised as a substitute.”

In addition to the uniqueness of the program, the facilities at Capilano University that house these arts programs are also like no other. “The instructors in Studio Art have invested a massive part of their lives to create the unique infrastructure.

Much of the equipment had to be custom built, such as kilns, furnaces, mixers, printing devices… most of this was done with our volunteer hours,” says Rammell. Rammell is also the sculptor who created a satirical portrait of Bulcroft after being asked to do so by a union member. According to Rammell, “My motivation was to get people talking about the injustices taking place on campus, namely Bulcroft’s sense of entitlement to change the direction of the university without consultation. Her actions are having a devastating impact on the lives of so many faculty, staff and students.”

Sasha Webb, a graduate of the Textile Arts program at Capilano University can attest to the quality of the arts programs offered at the institution.

“The education I received at Cap U renewed my faith in post-secondary education. I will always maintain that I learned more in the two years in the Textile Arts program there than I did in five years at UBC. The small classes, devoted faculty, and hands on learning profoundly changed both the way I was able to do art, and the way I thought about education.” Webb is currently employed as the Executive Director for the Great North Arts Society in the Northwest Territories. She attributes her education at Capilano with being qualified for this position and believes this program needs to stay at Cap. “Forty years of textile history exists in the Cap U Textile program, and a studio full of devices and faculty you can’t access elsewhere.

The program is rigorous, affordable, and leaves you with unique skills and abilities.” Webb adds, “There are no textile facilities like the studio at Cap U, with an ensemble faculty representing all aspects of textiles. I am deeply saddened at the prospect of this incredible program being dismantled.”

The Capilano Students’ Union (CSU) recently held an open dialogue event to discuss the budget cuts. “What students told us is that they were extremely confused. They had been receiving mixed messages about what classes they were now required to take in order to finish their programs,” says the CSU’s Educational Issues Coordinator, Brittany Barnes. Barnes also notes that students were concerned about the length of waitlists for

" It [the cuts] caused some strife in the campus community that now we are going to try and rebuild.

Trust, confidence, and optimism."

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SEPTEMBER calendar Tuesday

Godspeed You! Black Emperor 9:30 pm the Vogue Theatre $25

Jelly Invasion All day Vancouver Aquarium $25

Sell your lightly used texts from yester-semester to CSU and receive up to 60 per cent of the new value back, or buy any used text from the bookstore for up to 30 per cent in savings. Convenient if, say, navigating the Amazon website proved too distracting.

Putting the gas in gastronomy, the Downtown Food Cart Walking Tour gives pseudo-foodies a chance to taste our city’s multicultural cuisine, quite literally on the streets of Vancouver. Taste test over 10 different samples from at least six food carts from Gastown to Granville.

Check out the electronic dark-wave outfit made famous by your teen angst. What other time would it be appropriate to wear that much black eye makeup and lift your skinny fists like antennas to heaven? I mean, really.

Okay, it’s not a basket of wide-eyed puppies, but we have to say that hundreds of jellyfish—from 15 different species around the globe—is pretty cute.

They’re especially cute when there’s absolutely no danger of them stinging you in open water. Visit them at the Vancouver Aquarium, and not in the ocean.

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Sunday

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TCRG Championships 5 pm Kerrisdale Cyclone Taylor Arena $20

Bard on the Beach: Hamlet 2 pm and 7 pm Vanier Park $30-$43

Rookie Night 7:30 pm Vancouver TheatreSports League $8

11th Vancouver Latin American Film Festival Showtimes from 1 pm to 6:30 pm the Cinematheque $10-$12

Watch bad ass babes knock each other out in the unconventional sport of roller derby. Terminal City Roller Girls’ the Bad Reputations go headto-head with the Riot Girls for the championship, while Public Frenemy and Faster Pussycats duke it out for third-place.

Don’t let a summer pass without indulging in Vancouver’s annual Bard on the Beach. This is your very last chance to see Hamlet before BOTB packs it in until next summer. Sure, it might be a little pricey, but you did, after all, spend all your Tuesdays this summer catching free flicks at Second Beach.

Vancouver TheatreSports League invites the fresh meat of improv to cast themselves infront of a hungry audience. This Granville Island event may even see the future stars of our generation. Go to participate, cheer or heckle.

Arriba! It’s the last chance to catch any of the films from Vancouver’s 11th annual Latin American Film Fest. Select titles playing on VLAFF’s last day include Sadourni’s Butterflies, 7 boxes and Post Tenebras.

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Thursday

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Wine of the Week Tasting 2 pm to 6 pm 998 Marine Drive, North Van, $ - Free

Cheryl’s Birthday All day Everywhere $ - Cost of ice cream-related goods

Coming Together 2nd Annual Pow Wow 11 am – 4 pm Birch Courtyard or CSU Library Lounge $ - free

Picture This… Film Festival 5 pm the Imperial $ - by donation

So you paid your registration, and now you’ve got champagne taste on a beer budget. Not to fret, North Van’s wine superstore, Everything Wine, is hosting a free tasting bar of this week’s newest wines. We’re pretty sure this is a weekly event, so you won’t go dry any given Wednesday this semester.

It’s our Art Director Cheryl’s birthday! If you didn’t know, she’s obsessed with ice cream. Bring her ice cream. Ice cream cake, dipped ice cream cones, ice cream filled cupcakes, alongside deep fried ice cream…. Yummmmm.

Join in on Capilano’s 2nd annual Pow Wow, including food, fun and performances such as the Women’s Jingle Special and Men’s Traditional Special in the Birch Courtyard, weather dependant.

An International Disability Film Festival sees its fourth year thanks to Open Door Group. A series of short films produced, written and/or directed by people with disabilities from around the world, from Northern Ireland to Spain, will be screened.

Genres include stop-motion animation, documentary, drama and comedy.

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Downtown Food Cart Walking Tour 1pm to 3pm Meets at the corner of Abbott and Water $45

Wednesday

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Wednesday,

Book sale & consignment 930 am to 630 pm LB 195 services $ - an arm or a leg

Saturday

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CALENDAR@ C A P I L A N O C O U R I E R . C O M

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Cinema Sunday

Shangri-La Farmers Market

1 pm, the Cinematheque, $11

11 am – 3 pm Shangri-La Hotel Vancouver $ - free

Dr. Seuss’ rare but enigmatic musical film, the 5,000 fingers of Dr. T, explores a little boy’s nightmare into a surreal magical institute as he dreads piano lessons with his teacher, the strict Dr. T. This fantastical film touches on themes of villainy and childhood perceptions.

Between the Shangri-La Hotel Vancouver and Urban Fare is the glitziest of Vancouver’s Farmers Markets. Sample local eats as well as join in for a unique Farmers Market Brunch put on by JeanGeorges Restaurant. Happy, healthy hunting! w

Thursday

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Friday

Prohibition City 6 pm Cathedral Square (Dunsmier at Richards) $22

Vancouver Fringe Fest 8:45 pm, the Cultch $10

The Shipyards – Night Market 5 pm Shipyards Plaza (North Van) $ - Free

Tattoos & Scrimshaw All day Vancouver Maritime Museum $11

Before you go binge drinking on any given Thursday (much like this one), it might interest you to know about the queer and corrupt history of prohibition-era Vancouver. This walking tour jogs through stories and saloons, including rumrunners, bootleggers, “medicinal” liquor and show girls—all when drinking was plenty, and plenty illegal. Then perhaps go binge drinking.

Vancouver’s annual Fringe Fest kicks off, showing acts of drama and comedy—and sometimes even dramedy—until Sept. 15. In its inaugural day, Fringe Fest presents Claret and Amber—an imagined railway encounter with two enigmatic Canadian heroines, Lucy Maud Montgomery and Emily Carr.

Everyone loves night markets and food trucks, right? No one is sick of it yet? Well, get more of it at the Shipbuilders Square in Lonsdale, where live music, over 50 tents of handcrafted and homemade goods, and various food trucks stop in to entertain on this Friday night.

These days, it’s more common than not to be the proud owner of a little indelible body art. In the past, tattooing was based on maritime merit. Our (youth) culture has a fascination with permanent self-expression. Learn its origins in this exhibition that delineates the first tattoos and their meanings to modern-day narcissism.

Monday

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Tuesday

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The Tragically Hip 8 pm the Orpheum Theatre $59.50-$125

Paradise Lost?

10 am – 5 pm Museum of Anthropology (UBC) $16.50

Learn to Meditate 7 pm Vancouver Public Library central branch $ - Free

Kid Cudi 7:30 pm Thunderbird Stadium $45-$55

Autumn’s almost in full swing. It’s time for falling maple leaves, fashionably expensive gumboots and plaid sweaters, among other typically Canadian things. Show your red, white and true (north) as the band that makes up 80 per cent of commercial radio’s CanCon visits Vancouver.

Museum of Anthropology’s exhibition on the truths and misconceptions of Island civilizations.

Includes contemporary pieces by artists from Fiji, Papua New Guinea, New Zealand and more. More educational than that enchanted tiki bar you’ve been spending all your time at.

Join a meditation workshop to learn simple but powerful techniques to meditation. You’re really going to need that zen once the projects start piling up.

Join Cudi in his Pursuit of Happiness (which includes, but is not limited to: driving drunk no hands on the wheel, doin’ his thing, and rollin’ a bit) as he performs at Thunderbird Stadium to tens of thousands of his adoring fans.

Friday

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Late Night Fridays 11:45 pm TheatreSports League (Granville Island) $10-$12

Screenprint Workshop 2 pm to 5 pm 115 East Pender $75

The Color Run 9 am, Pacific National Exhibition $50 per person

This might be a good night to avoid all homework and scare yourself silly as you rent, ahem, download, all of the Jason movies and have a horror marathon. You could skip Freddy vs Jason, though.

Vancouver TheatreSports League is at it again this Friday with its late-night show, displaying only the most adult of their improvisers. With drinks that never run out, and laughter that’ll tap your well of tear ducts, this evening is for those who need a little comedy to forget about the ominous nature of this date.

Ever wanted those vintage band tees that you just couldn’t seem to find at Value Village, and refused to buy the redux at Urban Outfitters? Learn to make your own counterfeit tees (or, you know, original design) in this screenprinting workshop at Blim.

Avoid the frosh 15 and get out your pink Nike Shocks for this colourful 5k run. Participants are doused in colour at each kilometer. Seems like a more vibrant way to spend your day than playing Mario Kart. But hey, who are we to judge?

the capilano courier

Friday the 13th All night Your house Free

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OPINIONS

OPINIONS EDITOR ×

FAYE ALEXANDER

× OPINIONS@CAPILANOCOURIER.COM

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BRADLEY MANNING MANNING SEEKS TRANSFER TO FEDERAL PRISON FOR FREEDON TO BECOME A WOMAN Faye Alexander × Opinions Editor

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47 issue N o . 01

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others; Manning hoped to be labeled as something else: a woman.

“As I transition into this next phase of my life, I want everyone to know the real me. I am Chelsea Manning. I am a female. Given the way that I feel, and have felt since childhood, I want to begin hormone therapy as soon as possible,” read a written statement provided to NBC and signed ‘Chelsea E. Manning’.

Private First Class Bradley Manning is now no more. Chelsea Manning is set to serve her sentence in an all male military prison at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, which poses a number of problems.

Although the prison will allow Chelsea Manning to have access to mental health professionals, the Army does not provide hormone therapy or reassignment surgery. Her only hope is to petition for a transfer to a federal prison which would be more accommodating to her journey transitioning.

The transgender community is so often overlooked and not represented, even in our so-called ‘liberal’ societies. That statement took bravery.

Many people who identify as transgender or suffer from gender dysmorphia will never have to face outing themselves on a global scale. Some will never be able to come to terms with their confused feelings because of the lack of education and resources made available on the issue. Chelsea Manning deserves respect for the courage she showed and her decision to be true to her authentic self.

The suspicions arise from the timing of this announcement. Although there are chat-transcripts from years past wherein which Manning revealed that she had long wondered whether she was in the right body, why now? Why after sentencing? Her lawyer, David Coombs says, “Chelsea didn’t want this to be something that overshadowed the case.”

At the military prison, Chelsea Manning will be treated like any other soldier. She will not be allowed to sport a bra or wear a wig, which could be detrimental to her current mental state. Manning clearly struggled with the psychological torment that coincides with gender dysmorphia during the time in which she committed the crimes. She is now, at 25, coming to terms with her identity, something we should all have the freedom to do.

By rejecting Manning’s petition to be transferred to a federal prison where she would be able to seek hormone therapy, the dangers for Manning’s future are clear. Sending a female to an all-male prison openly invites abuse, rape, and other terrors

that will be kept silent behind the prison walls.

This is simply setting up Manning for disaster.

Manning was found guilty of her crimes, no one is arguing that they were committed, and she should serve her time accordingly. There is no way off the hook when you’re caught stealing classified US government documents red handed.

We all abide by the same set of rules and Chelsea Manning was well aware of the consequences, regardless of her good intentions. However, once a person has been convicted they are in the protection of the state. Chelsea Manning deserves to be protected while serving her time, and placed in the appropriate environment to do so.

× Miles Chic

On May 29, 2011 Private First Class Bradley Manning was arrested on 22 counts. Following a highly public court case, on August 21, 2013 25-yearold Manning would was sentenced to an unprecedented 35 years in prison for providing more than 700,000 government files to WikiLeaks. Unprecedented in that this is the longest sentence to be handed down in a case of leaking information, which included classified documents and videos of the horrors happening in Baghdad circa 2007.

Manning set to expose the abuse and corruption taking place throughout the war in Iraq believing this to be for the greater good. The public was split. Although Manning was in violation of the Espionage Act, supporters filled the courtroom in droves, believing that his acts were, in fact, heroic.

A slew of international support inspired protests outside the White House, and as far away as Korea and Australia. The fact is the public wants to know what is going on with their government and a war that is sopping up an unsightly amount of tax dollars. When you are a citizen funding the war itself, should you not be entitled to the truth? Manning seemed to think so.

His motivation, he said, was to “spark a domestic debate of the role of the military and foreign policy in general” and “cause society to reevaluate the need and even desire to engage in counterterrorism and counterinsurgency operations that ignore their effect on people who live in that environment every day.” Manning asserted that he leaked the documents deliberately, knowing the legal repercussions he might face.

Although the Bradley Manning case could have been a topic all its own, a day after sentencing things would take a dramatic turn. On top of being labeled a traitor to some and a champion to

OLYMPIC OBSTACLE NEW ANTI-GAY LAWS UNDER FIRE Carlo Javier × Staff Writer

In the past couple of years, protesting has experienced a rapid rise in popularity. War cries for democracy, sit-ins against oligarchy and rallies for equality have been the biggest stories year after year. Yet who would’ve thought that this year’s most resonating protest is shown through the most natural manifestation of love: a kiss.

Russian athletes KseniyaRhyzov and Yulia Gushchina deny it, but the kiss they shared at the victory podium – inadvertent or not – has been one of the most profound protests against the Russian Federation’s new anti gay propaganda law; the law that is widely perceived as the prohibition of promoting “non-traditional sexual relations” to minors. While unintentional, “KissGate” provides a much needed sparkplug for a protest to an outdated, near-nationwide intolerance in Russia.

Many have publicly spoken out against Russia’s recently increasing constraints on LGBT rights, some have even advocated the boycotting of the 2014 Winter Olympics to be held in Sochi, Russia.

The 2010 Winter Olympics, held in Vancouver, was the first of the historic games to establish a Pride House, an interim building that embraced the participating LGBT athletes. However, the endeavor to acquire a Pride House for the coming exhibitions was infamously shot down

by Russian authorities. Judge Svetlana Mordovina gained notoriety for her ruling, saying that, “the activities of the [Pride House] movement leads to propaganda of non-traditional sexual orientation

which can undermine the security of the Russian society and the state, provoke social-religious hatred, which is the feature of the extremist character of the activity.”

One of the significant individuals caught in the crosshairs is gay American figure skater Johnny Weir. The flamboyant Weir is among the vanguards in the stand against Russia’s new anti-gay legislation, "Like anyone, I'm afraid of being arrested but also I'm not afraid of being arrested....

If it takes me getting arrested for people to pay attention and for people to lobby against this law then I'm willing to take it,” Weir told CBS News.

Weir also emphasized that the people of Russia are not the enemy of the LGBT community, but instead the legislation passed by its government.

Weir would later tell Evan Davis of BBC, "To attack Russia is silly... we aren't attacking the public of Russia... its not Russia's public's fault that their government is so bigoted and creating so many problems for a minority group."

This however, does not apply to pole vault gold medalist Yelena Isinbayeva, who vehemently defended the anti-gay propaganda law, "If we allow to promote and do all this stuff on the street, we are very afraid about our nation because we consider ourselves like normal, standard people.”

The Russian government claims that their new laws are for the younger population, giving them a shield to what the Russian government labels as gay propaganda; but on the other side of the spectrum, the government has been constantly feeding its people with propaganda against the LGBT community.

Lobbies and protests against governments and their decisions have become a common theme in recent international events. This year’s protests have seemed to be focused on same-sex orientation and equality, and with the attention brought forth by the upcoming winter Olympics, the spotlight is on Russia. Its intolerance towards LGBT is further magnified by the positive developments that happened in other parts of the world in the past year.

The freedom of sexual orientation and equality took giant steps forward this past year with US President Barack Obama’s public declaration of his support for same-sex marriage, making him the first sitting American president to do so. The state of New Jersey also made a considerable step towards further equality in a recently approved law.

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey approved the law that will effectively illegalize gay conversion therapy. Making the New Jersey the second US state to have outlawed conversion therapy, thus strengthening the rights and freedom of LGBT citizens of the state – a stark opposite of the events developing in Russia. Gay conversion therapy is said to be a product of extreme religious concerns, families have collaborated with licensed therapists to try to “correct” their gay or suspected gay children. The process of conversion therapies often result in various mental health issues such as depression, social withdrawal, and substance abuse.

However the problems run deeper than health concerns. Gay conversion therapy is another antigay system that’s rooted from the fundamentals of religion. Its supporters – unsurprisingly – cite the First Amendment in their defense, as freedom of

religion and practice is under the range of the oft argued constitution. But at what cost will it take for religious families to overlook beliefs for the sake of their children’s well-being? Governor Christie’s decision to ban conversion therapy provides a beacon of light, not only for the LGBT community, but also for the advocacy of health over religion.

Since its own government is the catalyst in Russia’s stance on gay rights, developing a positive level of tolerance becomes all the more difficult. But the stand led by Johnny Weir is admirable. The kiss shared at the World Championship by Rhyzov and Gushchina is symbolic – even though it was not defiance. How fitting, that an unintentional act of happiness became a poster for the advocacy of improving LGBT rights in Russia.

TEARING IT DOWN Katherine Gillard × Writer

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47 issue N o . 01

paintings, sculpture and printmaking. His works are what is left of his artistic genius, and should remain as they are for that reason.

When commissioned to do a work, an artist looks into the place it will be going. Murals and statues are created and erected by artists for specific reasons. The Statue of Liberty would be much different if she were to be placed in an alley way.

Much like how Picasso designed the murals for that specific block of buildings. By taking apart the buildings and separating the works the government would, in fact, be harming the art itself.

Another great example is the protection of Banksy's works in New Orleans. Some of Banksy's graffiti has been protected by the state by putting protective Plexiglas over it, instead of removing it and selling it or putting it in a museum. The state understood the graffiti belonged where it was created and stepped up to protect it. Norway should regard Picasso's five pieces the same way.

Overall, it is important to remember the significance of art. Despite the changing of styles and artistic points of view, every piece of work has irreplaceable value. Artists like Picasso make their works grand and plan them for where they will be placed, especially in regards to architecture. Norway needs to fix the buildings and respect Picasso's murals by leaving them exactly where they are.

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Five Picasso murals in government buildings in Oslo, Norway are being considered for demolition because of damage caused by the Anders Breivik bombings in 2011. The debate has split the country in two: those that believe the buildings should be demolished with the art being placed elsewhere and those that believe the buildings should remain as they are.

The government seems to be trying to find a middle ground, saying the most cost effective method of resolving the damage done by the bombings would be to remove the pieces and place them elsewhere. However, the works were made by Picasso specifically for those buildings in that location. His art should be respected in this regard and remain where they are, with repairs done to fix the buildings at whatever necessary cost. The pieces in the building include “The Seagull”, “Satyr and Faun”, and two versions of “The Fisherman”. The one-ofa-kind pieces are art and should be respected as original and irreplaceable, because they are.

The murals should be left intact because of their value. The works were Picasso’s first attempt at concrete murals and were designed specifically for the H and Y block where they remain. Some people however, don’t see originality or beauty in the pieces. Norwegian artist Dag Hol, known for

his figurative paintings and graphic art referred to the paintings as, “brutal, ugly and degrading architecture."

Hol is clearly not from the 1950s or 1960s when the works were originally sandblasted into the buildings and regarded as wonderful works. The belief that a work is ugly, brutal or degrading comes from ignorance. Hol believes that they are reminiscent of the communist era, a sad a dreary time filled with fear from the Eastern bloc. The head of the Directorate for Cultural Heritage Joern Holme commented to GMA News, “Destroying the best thing that Norway did in a particular era of its history is contrary to all of our values."

The Breivik bombings took place in a series of attacks in July 2011, leaving 77 people dead. The H Block of the government buildings containing Picasso’s murals took a big hit, with a bomb being set off at the foot of it. If Norway were to fix the buildings it would show the immense strength that a country must have to overcome tragedy: to get back up, fix their wounds and stand tall with pride again. The bombings were tragic events, and to let them destruct original architecture that is repairable is absurd.

The Picasso family will have to weigh in before any decisions are made, but it seems clear that most art and Picasso fans believe that the pieces should remain where they are. Picasso is renowned as one of the most influential artists of the twentieth century, who made many significant developments in

× Miles Chic

PICASSO MURALS IN NORWAY SPARK DEBATE

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FLAWS WITH THE LAWS BC GOVERNMENT NEEDS TO UPDATE LIQUOR POLICIE Andy Rice × Arts Editor

Almost an entire century has passed since the prohibition era of the 1920s, but British Columbia is still feeling the hangover. Dozens of outdated laws and attitudes continue to linger over the liquor stores and bars of Vancouver. Red tape, restrictions, and overblown supply costs impede the serving power of public events. And with every generation, another crop of BC youngsters grows up believing that alcohol is a forbidden cause for rebellion, instead of being given the tools and know-how for safe and proper consumption.

All it takes is a trip to Europe, or even Quebec, to realize that the BC government’s view of alcohol consumption is as antiquated as some of the ancient recipes used to make the stuff. Despite the ever-present fear that everyone will be drunk all the time if things change, it’s the places with looser laws who appear to have the greatest success with integrating alcohol into daily life and public events. They’re certainly no worse off than we are. Citing drunk drivers, Stanley Cup rioters, and problems in the downtown east-side as current reasons to maintain status quo, many in the province and at the legislature believe things should stay the same. However, after a quick run-through of the current laws in their draconian state, it’s hard not to wonder if there might have been some drinking going on around the drafting table all those years ago.

First of all, British Columbia has some of the

priciest alcohol in North America, and not because it costs that much to produce and ship. Tough pricing regulations mean for steep gouging in all avenues of retailing, and government-operated liquor stores currently hold a public monopoly on the market. Fittingly enough, all but a few operate on restricted hours and Sunday closures that date back to prohibition times. Meanwhile, across the country and the world, more European ideals allow for the purchase of liquor from supermarkets and corner stores during longer opening hours, and at far more reasonable prices, too.

Tougher and more expensive yet is the process by which bars and nightclubs must apply for a liquor-primary license. The scrutiny that accompanies these applications has forced countless establishments to alter their concept and location, compromise their operational model, or give up altogether. This labyrinth is tough enough for the larger hospitality groups in the city to navigate, but it can be disastrous for independent owners with limited funds and legal resources. Many of these smaller establishments don’t even make it out the other side of their application process alive.

The current regulations have beaten culture into submission and created a host of new bars and nightclubs that are lacking all but a seed of the creativity they once dreamed of. The once-innovative, outlandish, or unique ideas of their owners have been diluted into overly safe, cookie-cutter business models, sterilized for governmental ease. A major key to retail survival and cultural individuality is doing something that no one else does, and

among BC bars, that’s hardly allowed.

The same goes for special events and festivals.

Special occasion licenses, which permit organizers to serve alcohol at establishments that are not permanently licensed, are quite literally the bane of any wedding planner or fundraising committee’s existence. Similar obstacles exist for the organizers and promoters of festivals and cultural gatherings where rejected licenses have put plans into a last-minute tailspin. In recent years, many indoor functions have been forced to relegate liquor service to outdoor beer gardens, an impractical and somewhat tacky solution for events like jazz festivals and film screenings. And for internationally themed events, like tastings of wine from around the globe, the concept rarely even leaves the boardroom. It simply can’t. The specialty import and serving of worldwide beverages at private events is currently illegal in BC. In fact, it’s even against the law to bring alcohol from elsewhere in Canada over the provincial border.

In spas and salons, many of which have offered patrons a complimentary glass of alcohol quietly and illegally for years, licensing remains out of the question. The same goes for farmers markets where the retail of artisan beers, wines, and liquors remains illegal and unattainable.

Over the last few years, the liquor laws in BC have undergone a few minor changes, but hardly enough to give anyone a buzz. In fact, when it comes to drinking and driving, the rules have tightened. Any loosening of governmental reins in other areas has been minimal. Yes, restaurant-

goers can now bring a bottle of their favourite wine to participating restaurants, but only for a bottling fee tacked on top of whatever inflated price they bought it for. Yes, movie theatres can now serve liquor, but only after undergoing a similar licensing application process to the one that continues to torture new bars, pubs, and nightclubs.

On August 7, the province finally admitted to the outright frumpiness and inefficiency of its liquor views. The Liberals even pledged to unveil a new act next spring. For the first time since 1999, the government began a review of its current policies, and promised the launch of a website in September that will allow for public input on change. This was an element severely lacking in the last review, and residents have already begun to sound off with opinions and suggestions.

While this review is no guarantee of improvement, it is a welcomed step toward alleviating a prohibition-era hangover that not even Advil, Gatorade, or a greasy breakfast at Bon’s can cure.

50% 47 issue N o . 01

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CABOOSE EDITOR ×

JEREMY HANLON

× CABOOSE.CAPCOURIER@GMAIL.COM

FORGIVE AND FORGET Scott Moraes I forgot to feed the fish. Now they're floating belly up, and there isn't a thing in the world I can do about it except apologize. And I have. She's started fuming and shouting her head off in a fit of hysteria. Whatever she's saying is going way past me.

I'm paralyzed by a feeling that maybe things aren't so great anymore. And she seems to know it better than I do. She tones down a bit, hopefully moving on to the next stage of grief. They're just fish, after all. They exist so we can eat them, not feed them.

The kitchen is impeccably clean, she says, and that puts a smile on my face. I take full credit although the kids did all the work. The sarcasm quickly arises as she goes on and makes me realize, as she peeks into the freezer, that I can only produce food with the microwave or with the telephone. And that if she were to – God forbid – pass away, the kids would soon be next, on a diet of frozen pizza and drive-through junk. I try to defend myself, but she cuts me off and reminds me of when I cooked chicken for the kids and it was pink in the centre. Our daughter ended up in the hospital. I apologized as I always do, but how the hell was I supposed to know that that would hurt her? Pink, which, by the way, is her favourite colour! God, why does she have to be so articulate, so rhetorical, so eloquent? Where do you think I learned all these words? You don't hear them on TV. I've told all my friends: don't marry a woman who's smarter than you. And they, with their wifebeaters and beer bellies, claim that it would never happen; that if she were smart and you were dumb she just wouldn't marry you. Women are the ones with the high standards, we're the ones with the hormones. You don't want your woman to read a book when she comes to bed at night, do you?

My wife hates my friends. Says she's tired of trying to talk some sense into the “scum of the earth.” And I'm certainly tired of seeing hell break loose, and the sweet lady burst into heated lectures

on the “plight of the female through the ages” and all that jazz. Let's face it: she's read tons of those fat books with no pictures in them. She must know what she's talking about, but bringing up Simone de Beauvoir at a party kills the mood, and only an inordinate amount of alcohol can bring it back up.

And that in itself is a whole lot of trouble.

I'm trying to understand how it came to this, but I'm not used to having to think for myself.

I know for a fact she could have found someone smarter, some well-groomed law student spoiled rotten by yacht-owning parents. Of all people, why me? Of course I've never asked her. I'm afraid it may be the only question in the world she doesn't have an answer for. I'd rather not know.

I pray to God for an answer, but I can't manage to reach him anymore. She shook my beliefs. She shot them all down with her... “rationality”. Death gives me the creeps now, because my ticket to a land of flowers and clouds, angels and eternal sunshine, has been torn to pieces. By her! You know what they say, that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. Well, it must hurt a heck of a lot to know everything.

We finally stop arguing. I'm the one to usually give in. She goes into the shower and leaves the door half open. She likes the cool breeze cutting through all the steam. I lie on the bed with my deceased faith and my blank mind, staring at the TV. Ace Ventura is on, and it's one of my favourite movies. During the break I speak up and ask her about the trip. She doesn't feel like talking about it. Was it really a trip, I wonder. She hasn't even seen the kids yet. They don't come running out of their rooms with arms wide open anymore. They must know that something has changed. Kids have that sixth sense. I love them as they are, and I fear the long term effects of the excessive information that's being crammed into their brains, being lectured almost daily about the Jews, the slaves, the Vietnamese, the gays, the ozone layer and weapons

× Camille Segur

× Managing Editor

of mass destruction... Show me a child who wants to be bothered with a History lesson at dinner time and I'll send them to a doctor. And having to deal with the ban on Doritos and Coca-Cola and a ton of other stuff. I don't think it encourages forward thinking, as she claims. I think it encourages smuggling, and the kids and I are not as dumb as we look. We manage.

I do believe there was a time when we loved each other truly, madly, deeply. It's all a bit blurry in my memories. Probably erased from hers. But I know there were moments. Giggles and marshmallows by a campfire; the Gondola ride; Paris! Oh, we'll always have Paris. I remember when it all started for us. She thought I was quirky and “a refreshing escape from the arrogance of her social circle”.

Back then, I wouldn't understand half the words she said. Through the years, it's almost like I've learned a whole different language. Full of adverbs, clauses, participles and stuff like that. What good has it done me?

As I sink into a hole I'm not sure I can climb out of, she comes out of the shower with her towel loosely wrapped around her and orders me to shut the windows. The moment she gets to the

closet and drops the towel is one that used to take my breath away. I try not to think about it, but I honestly feel her balloons may have a tiny leak, if you know what I mean. She throws on her light silk pyjamas and comes to bed. She grabs me by the neck, and pulls me toward her, presenting me with a strangely delicious wet smack on the lips. A strange feeling ripples through my body. I'm sorry, she says, the past few days have been very stressful.

She bites her lips: I'm so tempted to go kiss the kids, but it's past midnight. Dear God, I realize, it is indeed past midnight!

She extends me a couple of pills, and my confusion quickly escapes me. I always forget my damn pills when she's gone. I kill fish and burn food, I lose track of time. I ride the roller-coaster of moods my mind has been condemned to, and deal with the consequences one at a time.

But at this moment, once again, she forgives me and rewards me for my efforts. She gives herself up to me like it were the first time, a sudden release of desire. She is vocal and she twists with pleasure – this is definitely not just a routine activity to fulfil.

Then she falls asleep without saying another word, and I stay up thinking about the odds for a guy like me to end up with a girl like this.

She is both leader and follower, critic and admirer. Sturdy and frail, virginal and kinky. She has both the pride to fight and the modesty to surrender. She's my anchor and my lifeline. She challenges me to take leaps she knows I can't make, then saves me. She's the remedy the doctors can't prescribe, the miracle that turns an idiot into poet.

She makes the enigma of womanhood a playful riddle that can't be solved. I'll spend my life in ignorant awe, the best kind there is.

Lord, they don't make them like this anymore.

THE HOT CHART

WINTER'S COMING Just like in the show, Winter's always coming.

THE CSU Don't fuck with them.

CHRISTMAS ORANGES At least one thing to look forward to.

FRIENDLY ADVICE Avoid French and Mandarin classes on the same day.

THE BABE YOU SAW AT THE LIBRARY Way out of your league with her Psych textbooks.

STUDENT LOAN Pawning your freedom, one dollar at a time.

CAMPUS SECURITY Yes they “exist”, but I'd just carry a pepper spray if I were you.

BUDGET CUTS Well, obviously. Do you want the damn pipelines or not?

47 issue N o . 01

REQUIRED READING Is actually recommended reading.

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SUMMER COURSES Of course you regret them now.

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CONTRIBUTING TO THE CAPCOURIER Reclaiming your freedom, one dollar at a time.

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This week’s Hot Chart: Back to School!

By Scott Moraes

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CABOOSE EDITOR ×

JEREMY HANLON

× CABOOSE.CAPCOURIER@GMAIL.COM

SHOTGUN REVIEWS THIS WEEK'S SHOTGUN REVIEWS: USELESS SUPERPOWERS!

Tar Baby

By Carlo Javier

X-ray Touch

By Alex Johrden

Cripplingly Bad Hygiene

By Sera Akdogan

One night, while filing his falsified death certificate and life insurance collection form, mildmannered Manitoban Wilfred Windless decides to whip himself up a meal of microwaveable Kraft Dinner Kup, using his trusty Amazonian paperweight to hold down the lid. Little does he know this paperweight was made with a VooDoo curse (and low quality iron)! The resulting explosion mysteriously gives Wilfred the amazing power to create paperweights at will!

Realizing this great power comes with great responsibility, he dons his old valet attire and vows never to let another sheet of treated tree flesh be stolen by the careless whispers of wind.

Thus the Paperwaiter is born! The roads of Manitoba have never been more litter-free!

In other news, I'm seriously considering dropping out of school to make this a reality.

Superpowers are cool. The ability to fly, to be as dexterous as a spider, and to heal oneself are among the best in the comic book world. One of the worst however, is a little known Morlock member, Tar Baby. The name alone already presents the ominous signal of a rather lame ability – the power to secrete tar!

Now it isn’t exactly useless. The fluid he produces allows him to stick to anything, which probably leads to more sticky situations than glorious crime fighting. His powers can even be comparable to Spiderman, but way, way messier. Some superheroes use their powers as a form of transport, like Spiderman’s web swinging, Magneto’s pseudo-flying, Flash’s super-speed. Tar Babies? What, is he gonna turn his entire body into tar and drip all the way to the location of distress? He must be the superhero with the worst attendance, then.

Everyone knows about the power to be invisible when no one is looking and the power to move through time at normal speed, but, as far as I know, X-ray touch hasn’t been discussed in depth.

So: X-ray touch is the ability to feel things through other things. Kinda useful right? Nope. The thing you want to feel has to be touching the thing you’re feeling it through. Think of it like Rogue’s absorption rather than Cyclops’ eye lasers. Assuming this power is constant, there would always be things you couldn’t feel because they would always be touching other things that you would be feeling instead. To add to the fun and horror, let’s also agree that you feel whatever is under your skin when you touch yourself. No more romantic nights basking in a monitor’s glow for you.

The most useless superpowers in my opinion are the most disgusting. Super saliva, for instance.

Justin Bieber would love that one. His spit balls would be five times the normal size and he could hawk a loogie on his enemies (AKA the public) with all the extra stuff he produces in that dirty mouth of his. Also, extreme hair growth – the ability to rapidly grow out your own body hair. I have no idea what you would do with that one. Other useless superpowers include toxic body odour, sticky fingers and an extra long tongue and fingernails. Those wouldn’t do you any good at all.

Feeling too young? Speed up the process with ultra fast aging powers. Or, go bald anytime you want with instant hair loss. How about the ability to shoot dead animals out of your eyes? Vegetarians will run screaming with raw meat vision! Use with caution – you could be hunted down at any given moment by PETA or even worse, vegans.

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47 issue N o . 01

Insta-Paperweight

By Jeremy "Big Hands" Hanlon