Fresh Air
CSU Abolishes Critic Position | Nationals at CapU Change | How to Write a Novel in 72 Hours | The Significance of Diwali Thrown Into a Sea of Blood, Sweat and Bass | Interview with Humour Editor
Are you feeling fresh?
On the idea of “Fresh Air”
Co-Editors in Chief
Avery Nowicki (they/them)
Sara Brinkac (She :) They :D He :0)
There’s a marathon going on outside my window. Well—a half marathon, but, still. As I type, it seems about three hundred people in Ucuelet all decided to get dressed this morning and run 20 kilometers during an atmospheric river. Good for them. Even that one guy, walking behind, rainjacket over his hanging head, each step broken but determined. I can’t help but look out at those runners and feel their burning lungs, their cold bitten nose and the blood coursing through their body.
They all seem pretty fresh to me. Compared to me. Me—who is holed up inside, still a little hungover from two nights ago, who just got the notification I’ve been averaging six hours a day on my devices. Me—who is circling thought patterns, trying desperately to solve the problem of “life,” running from task to task without many quiet moments. Them—seemingly without a care, except for freezing rain and their tiring body. Them—breathing in fresh air. I’m starting to envy them.
Then, a bell of mindfulness rings in my head, well, from my phone. I have a mindfulness bell set to ring from my phone—that doesn’t matter. What matters is it rung, and, for a second I put down my thoughts and relaxed my body. I rested the notion of “having” to finish this letter and instead, saw that I have any possibility open to me. That, happily, I’m choosing to write.
Looking out at those runners again, I begin to suspect they might not be as fresh as I think. Probably, a good majority of them are caught in the idea of having to finish this thing as well. I’m sure over half of them are feeling they have to do the run because they said they would. Perhaps, the openness of mind I thought they had, for most of them, has turned into a self inflicted pressure that obscures any refreshment the physical activity brings.
So what is being fresh really? Is it truly fresh air if we don’t even notice we’re breathing it in? I believe, freshness is a quality of lightness. Looking on life with a beginner’s mind, excited by what’s at hand, no sense of time or urgency pressuring us, simply open, joyful and fresh.
Perhaps, the ability to touch “freshness” is always present but it’s a question of whether or not we’re open to observing it … Perhaps.
The other night around town I got into a drunken conversation with a Polish fisherman. He told me two things. First: Follow your intuition, it will never let you down. My instinct was to fight this, and I still want to debate it, but I’m starting to see what he means. Second: Every morning he wakes up, takes in a breath of air and thinks “I’m the happiest motherfucker alive.” Then he embraced and kissed me on the cheek before I stumbled off into the night. Looking back, I can’t help but think “Wow.” Now that guy.
He was a real breath of fresh air.
In friendship,
Sara Brinkac (Co-EIC)
Business Manager
Prem Monpara business @capilanocourier.com
Social Media Manager
Glitter Esquivias socialmedia @capilanocourier.com
Sports
Crew
Video Production Manager
Laura Morales videoproduction @capilanocourier.com
Zine Manager
Mia Lancaster zinemanager @capilanocourier.com
Production Manager Andy Poystila production @capilanocourier.com
News Beat Reporter Niko Williamson beatreporter @capilanocourier.com
Art Director
Angelica Blanch design @capilanocourier.com
News Editor
Livia Pica newseditor @capilanocourier.com
Letters Editor
Jordan Tomlinson letters @capilanocourier.com
Videographer
Kiki Evans videographerkiki @capilanocourier.com
Crew Writer
Sean Finan
crewwritersean @capilanocourier.com
Humour Editor
Adam Wallace humour @capilanocourier.com
Crew Writer
Kate Henderson
crewwriterkate @capilanocourier.com
Crew Illustrator
Jordan Richert crewillustrator @capilanocourier.com
Videographer
Lucas Isidoro videographerlucas @capilanocourier.com
Crew Writer
Yasmine Modaresi crewwriteryasmine @capilanocourier.com
Crew Photographer
Sophie Serendip crewphotographer @capilanocourier.com
Videographer
Christien Di Angello videographerchristien @capilanocourier.com
Crew Writer
Lily Rosen crewwriterlily @capilanocourier.com
Advising Manager
Freya Emery
& Contributors
Contributors
Vansh Malhotra, Luciana Mastrangelo, Amandeep Kaur, Talia Glotones.
Illustrators
Scarlett Side, Cassandra VP, Taylore Lawrence, Kyla Seguiban, Shruti Karthikeyan, Phoebe Verdon, Andrei Gueco, Millie Beatch, Tin Raganit, Livvy Hung, Mena McGill, Kit Vega.
Cover Art & Photo Series Sophie Serendip.
Head on over to capilanocourier.com for more featured articles!
Interested in contributing?
Email editor@capilanocourier.com for potential writers, and production@capilanocourier.com for interested illustrators and/or photographers. Illustrators and Photographers are required to send a portfolio or sample(s) of work.
Contributors :)
Why is the CSU’s Legitimacy as a Representative Student Body at Risk?
The CSU’s Election Reports from 2020 onwards reveal a drop in domestic voter turnout and an unprecedented high number of formal complaints
Laura Morales (she/her)
Video Production Manager
Scarlett Side (she/her)
Illustrator
On The number of candidates in the Capilano Students Union General Elections has been increasing rapidly, from the 22 candidates in 2022, to 59 candidates in the most recent election in March 2024. Almost proportionally, the voter turnout percentage has increased from 5.7% to 14.1% in the same years.
The record number of international student candidates in the last election translated into a high voter turnout from this demographic, but “domestic voter turnout was especially low in this past election, with about 2% of eligible voters casting ballots compared to approximately 40% of eligible international students,” as stated in the memorandum sent by the CSU Executive Director (ED) Christopher Girodat on June 28. This drop in domestic voter turnout was flagged by the elections administrator, David Enis. He emphasized how extremely low this number is, and warned that, “If a group representing more than half of students is effectively disengaged from CSU governance, CSU’s legitimacy as a representative student body is at risk.”
The democratic legitimacy and reputation of the organization are at stake. The ED’s memorandum to the Collectives Committee made this clear: failing to address Enis’ concerns would pose a “regulatory risk of provincial intervention if elections are seen as problematic.” The ED, on July 30th, further urged the Committee to “block some time at upcoming meetings to brainstorm how [...] to navigate this study.”
Due to lack of quorum, the Collectives Committee has only been able to meet in two of the seven meetings it has scheduled this year. The ED’s memorandum was discussed on August 2nd; according to the minutes of this meeting, it was proposed “to keep a document open for everyone to add suggestions and recommendations on how to improve engagement.” The discussion was meant to continue on September 20th, but the meeting didn’t take place because of lack of quorum. A plan to curb the issue hasn’t been developed yet. Time pressure was reduced after the Board of Directors decided to cancel the by-election that was meant to be held this fall. Still, at this rate, it is worrying whether this plan can be created and implemented in time for the general elections in the spring.
The election was also mired by an inordinate number of complaints.The number of formal complaints went from zero on three elections in a row, from 2020 to 2021, to 57 on the election this spring. A higher number of candidates translated into an unprecedented number of “anonymous complaints by candidates about other candidates.” David Enis’s main concern is that students are being intimidated into not submitting complaints and evidence, or refusing to do it unless their submissions can be kept anonymous. To be able to properly investigate and verify information, he proposed to prohibit anonymous complaints by candidates, arguing that “students seeking a CSU Board position should have the courage to publicly state if CSU rules are being broken.” Additionally, he proposed to “make it an offence to apply pressure to discourage a person from filing a complaint.”
David’s Enis is not alone in his concern. His predecessor Ron Laufer, who stepped down in 2022 after being involved with the CSU elections for more than six years, reported that the 2022 Spring’s By-Election was “marred by serious allegations, complaints and disqualifications that in at least one case undermined fundamental voting rights.” He also received many serious allegations about The Fall’s General Election, but he lacked hard enough evidence to take action. In the report he submitted before resigning, Laufer expressed strong concerns that some candidates may have won after breaking the rules of the election: “I simply didn’t have strong enough evidence to disqualify them from the process.”
There are many approaches to restore the legitimacy of CSU elections. According to Laufer, efforts should be directed to disincentivize “the kind of cheating taking place in these elections rather than leave the decision making to an election administrator that does not have the resources to properly investigate the conduct of these elections.” From strategies aimed for the orientation stage and pre-election public awareness, to others addressing new rules during campaigning and penalties for after the elections, the level of discussion needed to create a plan for the next elections can’t happen if the elected board members keep failing to attend and contribute to meetings. Problematic behavior during elections and lack of quorum for meetings can be proof of another issue—are students running for the right reasons?
Forget Washington –what’s going on in Ottawa?
As 2025 nears, so does the federal election in election.
Here’s a summary of what you missed happening.
Crew Writer
Kate Henderson (she/they)
Illustrator
Cassandra VP (she/her)
American politics, with their absurd twists and turns, have a way of holding people’s attention. More than that: it’s distracting. The Capilano Courier asked Capilano University students how “in touch” they felt about federal Canadian politics in an attempt to understand how people understand the current landscape. The consensus among the interviewed was: well, not much. Still, not all students are completely alienated from politics. Abbey Patton, for one, expressed concern over reproductive rights and gender equality. Another student, Josee Smith worries about the genocide perpetrated in Gaza by Israel. But, they’re not quite up to date on federal Canadian politics. People follow American politics, and plan to learn about whatever is going on in Ottawa closer to the polls. But, an election almost happened in October 2024.
Now, back in 2022, the minority liberal government made a Supply and Confidence with the New Democratic Party under Jaghmeet Singh—an agreement that would guarantee NDP votes for Liberal bills, in exchange for the implementation of NDP policies which mainly consists fo broadening of worker protection rights, and improving services for the lower class. However, in September of this year Singh announced the choice to dissolve this agreement with the statement that “Justin Trudeau has proven again and again he will always cave to corporate greed.” The deal died in a time of crisis for the governing party. The Liberals have been performing poorly at the polls, while support for the Conservatives, led by Pierre Polievre, rises. The end of the NDP-Liberal alliance gave way to a non-confidence motion, brought by the Conservatives. Less than 24 hours after it failed, Polievre motioned for a second vote, which the Liberals also survived. More might come, and it’s time to catch up. But (and this is a fact of lived experience) it’s overwhelming to learn about years of past scandals, broken and made alliances, promises kept and broken. So, here’s a crash course of what’s been happening recently.
People have grown frustrated with Justin Trudeau’s Liberals after nine years. Daniel Pinate Cabullero, a CapU student, said “I would want to vote for someone that doesn’t just prioritize the upper class.” Josee Smith, also a CapU student, explained that the NDP’s commitment to supporting low income families is attractive because of high the cost of living has become. But, it’s not the NDP that reaping the rewards of the Liberals’s unpopularity: The Conservatoves are too. During the pandemic and its immediate aftermath, Polievre was rallying people by questioning Trudeau’s Covid mandates. Now, his focus has shifted and he’s attacking carbon pricing and tax.
Canada’s response to Covid-19 was not perfect, but it was swift – especially compared to the USA’s. Canadians witnessed Trudeau’s promises readily convert into action with mass distribution of vaccines and lockdowns. But, not everybody appreciated the restrictions on movement for the good of public safety – anti masks and anti vaccinations movements grew larger. The most famous example is the Freedom Convoy. Truck drivers created blockades in protest to government vaccine mandates. The situation escalated to the point Trudeau enacted the Emergencies Act for the first time in Canadian history, to dismantle the event as a “last resort.” Poilievre’s rally of making Canada the “freest country on Earth” resonates in such an atmosphere. Poilievre’s past proposals of a ban on vaccine mandates.
Carbon pricing and taxes hits another Canadian soft spot: gas expenses. The proposed goal of the bill is discouraging large companies’ emissions in the face of climate change by making it more expensive to pollute; which means it make gas prices spike. It is not active in all provinces, and, where it’s applied, individuals (that is people, and corporations) affected have a right to obtain a refund through Canada Carbon Rebate program. The Carbon tax is not an unreasonable or thoughtless policy to combat climate change, but it is a confusing one. People’s rebates are different depending on their situation and it’s effects seem to be positive but not overwhelmingly so. Plus, the employees of the businesses that rely on gas are not thrilled. The Conservatives cry to “axe the tax” has an easy appeal that conquers people easily.
Trudeau’s personal image as a leader has also taken a nose dive. Public’s distrust in Trudeau’s personal and corporate interest started in 2017, when Trudeau’s gifts and trip from Aga Khan’s (federal lobby groups) island were made public. In 2019, a report by Ethics Commissioner Mario Dion alleged Trudeau of having pressured attorney general Jody-Wilson Raybolt to spare SNC-Lavilln’s from criminal investigation. In 2020, the government decided that We Charity would be responsible for managing a $900-million student grant program. This sparked criticism: both Trudeau and then–finance Minister Bill Morneau have familial ties to the organization. Paired with the public release of his instances of brown and blackface, Trudeau’s image is in tatters.
The result of all of this is: if an election were to happen tomorrow, the B.C. conservatives would most likely win. And that affects all the issues that students care about: cost of living, gender discrimination, and foreign relations with Israel.
The Capilano Students’ Union Abolishes
Critic Position
The Board of Directors abolished the board’s new Board Accountability Policy, designed to keep members active and informed participants.
Contributor
Vansh Malhotra (he/him)
Illustrator
Taylore Lawrence (she/her)
Last year, the Capilano Students Union Governance Committee took initiative, and recommended appointing five executive portfolio critics to “create a mechanism by which the organization’s elected student leadership can benefit from constructive criticism, alternate perspectives, and reasoned critiques for the work of the executive student portfolios.” The critics would keep the Board of Directors accountable by advising and monitoring their choices, but they would not have voting powers. The committee also suggested creating an Alumni Advisory Committee (AAC) that, among other responsibilities, would appoint the critics. The motion worked its way up to the board of directors, and on May 17, the board approved the Alumni Advisory Committee. It was decided that the president would appoint three former students, and the executive director would appoint the other three. At the next meeting, on May 31, on the last meeting of the term, the critic position too.
Yet, less than five months later, while the Alumni Advisory Committee was reviewing applications to select the critics, the CSU President Angad Brar, motioned to repeal the Board Accountability policy. The motion’s rationale offered few convincing arguments, since no tangible evidence was presented to sustain the claim: “critics are not required as everything is going great and everyone is working towards their goals to achieve for this year.” Brar elaborated more in an interview: the critics, according to him, would be nothing more than “blocks” that impede the newly elected board to do its job. Their selection, too, would be biased.
Niko Williamson, the Courier’s News Beat Reporter, brought up some issues with Brar’s motion. First of all, she explained Brar made this decision without any recommendations
from committee members or the staff. This is corroborated by Sukh Sohl, the vice president of finance. She said that, until the last board meeting, that she had never been a part of a conversation regarding abolishing the critic: “I just got an informal call phone call from the president. He said this decision is happening.”
Shruti Karthikeyan, the Fine and Applied Arts Representative, also stated that she feels there was communication discrepancy and the decision was not made with much consideration. Secondly, Williamson pointed out that the division of responsibility between the president and the executive director makes the selection process of the members of AAC unbiased. Plus, there is no conflict of interest: only former student leaders, who can’t be involved anymore in other committees, can become AAC members.
On October 4th, Capilano Student’s Union Board of Directors met to decide if they would repeal the Board Accountability policy and abolish the executive critic portfolio positions. At the time of writing, the results have not been published: but Williamson observed the meeting. The motion passed with a vote of 13-5.
Brar and the board members that supported his motion think that the critic role is an interference in the independent functioning of the board. To the members that voted against abolishing this role, the critic position is worth trying as a measure to add diversity of perspectives in CSU’s decisions. It’s impossible to decide who is correct – we never got to see a critic actually work,how it would have worked in practice. Sohl summarized the situation quite well “we could have tried it and then concluded whether it was an [effective] approach or not.” But, the Critic Executive role died before it could make its first step.
How to Clear Your Steaming Head
How sports can ease your midterm season
Crew Writer
Sean Finan (Any)
Illustrator
Kyla Seguiban (she/her)
Everyone has a relationship with exercise. Some love it, some don’t. Some do it obsessively, while others haven’t done it for years out of fear of embarrassment. It comes with the territory of having a body, which (breaking news!) every person has. One day humans may transcend these mortal flesh suits and expand into a limitless vastness–but until then there is a lot of thinking, about how we are to move our bodies on a daily basis, to do.
Way back in hunter/gatherer societies, exercise used to be something we didn’t have to think about, it came with living. Now we can get our food delivered with the tap of an app, so we have to simulate these activities, which might mean paying for Peloton, the gym or simply going on a run outside.
Plus, students must not only think about their bodies but their brains as well, which suffer the consequences of–how the body is treated. It can become very easy to ignore the body’s needs. Week-long study sessions can be a great excuse to be stagnant. That is not productive: a study conducted by the “International Journal of Exercise Science” argues otherwise. The researchers aimed to find out if exercise could improve one’s ability to recall words 24 hours after the exercise had been completed.
They found that “simultaneous memorization and exercise produced a greater ability to recall words than memorization after or without exercise,” meaning that the group that incorporated exercise into their study session had a better outcome than those who did not.
An investigation into the exercise habits of two Capilano University (CapU) student-athletes also enlightened the necessity for exercise—particularly outdoor exercise— when school becomes too stressful.
Marco Proverbs, the shooting guard for the Capilano Blues Men’s Basketball Team, is setting the bar in athletics, while also being a “student who prioritizes academics.” When Proverbs finds himself “spending hours behind a desk,” he finds that “being able to dedicate time to exercise is crucial [to his] well-being.” Proverbs notes that any kind of physical activity is a good outlet for balancing workload and exam pressure. He finds joy in both the weightlifting and run club because they are “great ways to interact with like-minded peers while enjoying your desired exercises.”
Nick Krawczyk is a third-year MOPA student, a lacrosse player for the North Shore Indians and proud owner of one of the largest sets of biceps on campus.
Even though Krawczyk practices heavy training constantly, he finds that “even just going for a walk really helps.” He likes to put things in perspective when he is overwhelmed by schoolwork.
“If you’re just constantly studying or doing work, and then you go home and you sleep, you’re probably still, while you’re sleeping, thinking about school, right?” Krawczyk says. Instead, he suggests to try and do other activities and distract the mind during the day.
Krawczyk was rushing to complete two different assignments one day and was left feeling stressed out, “but then I stopped for a bit and went to the gym, and I got such a deadly chest pump out of it.” Once he got back home, his batteries were recharged and he managed to get the work done.
“Plus, students must not only think about their bodies but their brains as well, which suffer the consequences of–how the body is treated”
Krawczyk prefers weight lifting to cardio to clear his mind. It seems like a no-brainer that getting blood flowing to the noggin is a necessary facet of living a healthy lifestyle as a student; however, when you’re in the muck of midterm molasses, the mental picture of moving can seem meshuga.
Prioritizing movement in your life does not mean that you have to be a star athlete, but rather find what works for you and what makes you feel healthy and happy. Working out is one way to clear out all of the junk that has piled up from hours of cramming. It’s important to remember that our brains are remote workers that live inside of our bodies, and we want to give them the cleanest home possible to work in.
Capilano Blues Roundup: Wins and Losses So Far
The Capilano Blues’ 2024-25 season has sported thrilling wins and
tough losses. Here’s a quick recap of their performances across athletics.
Lily Rosen
(she/her)
Crew Writer
Shruti Karthikeyan (she/her)
Illustrator
With the sports season kicking into high gear at Capilano University, the Capilano Blues have begun to show their shining competitive capabilities this fall. From basketball to soccer to volleyball, we’re breaking down how CapU’s teams have performed and highlighting their wins, losses and ties.
Men’s Basketball: A Strong Start.
The men’s basketball team has only played one game so far, but they’ve made it count. On October 4th, they faced off against Alumni and secured a comfortable win with a final score of 84-62. This victory sets a solid foundation for the season ahead.
Women’s Basketball: Momentum Building.
The women’s basketball team has had a small start to the season, with two wins and one loss under their belt. After a narrow loss against SAIT on September 14th (8280), they bounced back with two consecutive wins. The first came against Langara on September 25th (73-67) and the second saw them prevail over Alumni on October 4th, winning 87-65.
“For more updates and detailed statistics, check out the Capilano Athletics website or visit upcoming games to cheer on the Blues from the stands.”
Men’s Soccer: Dominating the Field.
Men’s soccer has had a solid run this season, accumulating five wins and three losses over eight games. The season kicked off with a split series against Douglas College, winning 1-0 on September 7th but losing 4-2 the next day. Their performance picked up as they won games against Langara (3-1) and VIU (2-1) on September 14th and 15th respectively. However, a 3-0 loss to VIU on September 21st was followed by a heartening 1-0 victory against Douglas the next day. Most recently, the team split another series with Langara, losing 2-0 on September 28th but recovering with a 1-0 win on the 29th.
Women’s Soccer: A Mixed Bag.
Women’s soccer has faced a challenging season so far, with two wins, three losses and three ties over eight games. They suffered two early defeats to Douglas College (2-0 and 2-1) on September 7th and 8th. However, they bounced back with a 5-0 win against Langara on September 14th and tied 2-2 with VIU the following day. The team continued to battle with another tie (1-1) against VIU on September 21st but lost again to Douglas on the 22nd. Striving for consistency, the end of the month saw them win 3-0 over Langara on September 28th with a 1-1 tie the next day, keeping them in the running.
What’s Next?
The men’s and women’s volleyball teams begin their season on October 18th, so CapU students can look forward to seeing how these teams perform as the season progresses.
As the Blues continue competing, the men’s soccer team is currently the strongest contender for winning upcoming championships, boasting five wins and top PACWEST standing. For more updates and detailed statistics, check out the Capilano Athletics website or visit upcoming games to cheer on the Blues from the stands. Let’s support our incredible student-athletes!
Nationals at CapU
Contributor
From across the country, the upcoming Canadian Collegiate Athletic Association (CCAA) Women’s Soccer National Championship will unite the top university teams fighting for a title that many only dream of. This year, Capilano University (CapU) has the honour of hosting this prestigious tournament, welcoming eight teams from various provinces. As excitement builds, CapU is preparing to hold the event at its Squamish campus from November 6-9, 2024. This championship represents a significant milestone not only for the university but also for the broader community, showcasing the spirit of university athletics in Canada.
“CapU and its partners plan to host an unforgettable national championship in 2024, which will support and inspire student-athletes competing for a CCAA title,” Georgette Reed the Director of Athletics and Recreation at Capilano University emphasizes. “Working with local First Nations, Capilano University, and the District of Squamish Nation, we will create a first-class competition and cultural experience for all in attendance.” The event promises to be a celebration of soccer, community, and the natural environment.
Luciana Mastrangelo (she/her)
Illustrator
Andy Poystila (he/him)
What’s There to Know?
CapU last won a national title in 2001 at Medicine Hat University in Alberta. The Blues have a legacy of success, having claimed six national medals, including four golds, within the span of eight seasons. Although they hosted the inaugural Men’s Soccer event in 1983, this will mark the first time the Blues have hosted CCAA Women’s Soccer. Despite this, Mya Fraser, co-captain and defender, shared her thoughts: “Every athlete wants to win a big championship, so the fact that we are hosting and automatically qualify for a chance at that is something we’re not taking for granted. We’re not playing just for the experience; we’re playing to win.”
Rookie defender Chanelle Morris echoed this enthusiasm: “Having the honour to represent Capilano on a national field is beyond exciting. We are constantly becoming stronger, both individually and as a team, from every weightlifting session to each practice and our games. Everyone on the team is working hard for each other, and we will continue to give it our all until the final whistle. Go Blues!”
CapU Squamish is thrilled to showcase its recently completed state-of-the-art FIFA-grade turf field, situated in a spectacularly scenic setting at the north end of Howe Sound along the Sea to Sky Highway. Mya shares, “It’s great
that the school invested in the field up at the Squamish campus. We’re playing our last home game there so we can all see the field and get a chance to play on it before nationals. I’ve heard it looks great!”
While the Squamish campus has its own charm and unique atmosphere, its location could pose a challenge for students and local supporters. “I wish we were hosting it here in North Van. I think it would have a greater impact on the community, and a lot more students would be able to come to watch us play.” stated the co-captain. However, this challenge also offers a unique opportunity to strengthen our bonds as a school community. Students are encouraged to support the team, as it’s a great way to contribute to a positive atmosphere.
The CCAA Women’s Soccer National Championship isn’t just a tournament hosted by CapU, but a way to recognize and celebrate years of brilliant athletic achievements. It may be the first, but certainly not the last, paving the way for future events. This tournament is a significant milestone in enhancing CapU’s reputation as a powerhouse in university sports. Come out to support our Women’s Blues as they take on this challenge and make their mark in athletic history! Go Blues!
I was lying on my bed and crying about poetry
Phoebe Verdon (she/her)
Illustrator
Ren Zhang (they/them)
Contributor
I was lying on my bed and crying about poetry
Why couldn’t I create a beautiful thing.
If I existed it I think I’d be formless with no history
Or maybe that’s just my dissociation talking
Every time I bring my attention back to authors artists writers creators they drag meters of colourful fabric up from the curled mess in my stomach
Like a magic trick up a hidden sleeve
Instead of a water pipe explosion
A bloodletting or a fountain streaming I remember myself and you
Instead of trial by fire you led me to water
Put me out to pasture in soft memories in the storm I ride on the tail of your crest you receive me on your shores where the foam kisses the sand me in mornings and you as dew
Your pen, my thoughts, the stories written on the soles of my feet
You, in thousands of iterations and me, in thousands of interpretations
Buoyant I am, and
You are the soft place I land.
Change
pocket money, just a few dimes loose coins that you found maybe in your glovebox? have you checked your wallet? give me all it won’t be wasted or you rather be complacent? it will go straight into the cause I promise, in real good hands I can only speak the truth everybody says they want change why can’t I have it too?
I know you got it you c’mon give me some take the weight off I can show you how it’s done I’m prioritizing my needs over yours, and I want to make you feel bad. it’s easier then it seems, I swear
try it for yourself, it’s only fair say it to my face, if you dare anything is welcome around here a loonie, toonie, a cent or copper just something that I use to order my favourite overpriced coffee it can be any change, whatsoever for example it would be great to change the weather not because is raining, or because is sunny is because change is good for this economy. so you don’t got nothing at all? you gonna leave me like that? I’m asking for change, not your life but I guess it’s mine’s to pay the price.
Videographer
Lucas Isidoro (he/him)
Crew Illustrator
Jordan Richert (he/him)
How to Write a Novel in 72 Hours
Pat Dobie is a two-time winner of the three-day novel contest, and she’s ready to spill her secrets to success
Gates Annai (she/they)
Letters Editor
Illustrator
It was the start of Labour Day long weekend, 1988, and a young UBC word processing operator locked herself in a room at work on a Saturday. While the rest of Canada attended barbeques and other students celebrated their last weekend of freedom before the school year, Pat Dobie wrote her first ever novella in a tight 72 hours—and would go on to win the eleventh annual three-day novel contest with her novel Pawn to Queen.
Every Labour Day long weekend since 1977, writers from across Canada and the U.S. take to their desks, shut off their phones, and race against their imaginations and the ever-ticking 72 hour clock in order to produce a novel by 11:59 p.m. Monday night. Sprung from a bar in Vancouver among a group of proud literary geniuses, the three-day novel contest has since grown to attract hundreds of writers to this ‘write’ of passage each year.
The rules are simple: write your novel in any method, location or topic you want, but other than a short outline beforehand, the writing must begin no earlier than 12:01 a.m. on the Saturday of the long weekend, and must stop by 11:59 p.m. on the Monday. No editing in the days afterwards. No sitting on your manuscript for weeks or months. As Dobie says, “It is what it is… you get to send it in and you don’t have to think about it again.”
After winning in 1988, Dobie returned to the challenge in 2016, and is no stranger to the shortlist. Every year, she follows more or less the same structure. “The thing I try to do is create a frictionless environment… there’s nothing I want to do except the contest,” she says—even a month out she’s already thinking about what she’s going to eat to prevent lines at the grocery store, getting stuck in traffic or spending too much time doing just about anything other than putting words on the page. “I never outline,” she adds, “I always think I’m going to and then Friday’s over and I’m like, ‘Oh no, I didn’t even backup my laptop—I haven’t gone grocery shopping. It’s like a panic every year.”
Day one, Dobie sleeps past the midnight starting line and wakes up around 6 or 7 a.m. to actually begin. Armed with a log to track her word count, start and end time, food and breaks and a stack of blank index cards, she sits down with a coffee, “and then I panic, because I don’t know what I’m going to write about,” she says. To overcome the blank page, Dobie begins by freewriting—getting words and scenes down on the page until she isn’t sure what will happen next. That’s where the index
Andrei Gueco (he/him)
“The rules are simple: write your novel in any method, location or topic you want...No editing in the days afterwards. No sitting on your manuscript for weeks or months.”
cards come in handy, which she uses to brainstorm every possible direction the story could take next. “If you get out of the way, and you have some kind of understanding on how to tell a story—and I believe everyone does—then it will come out,” Dobie adds.
Day two is the same, “but I’m usually panicking harder,” Dobie laughs, adding that day two is usually when people start to disappear. While her goal for the first day is ten thousand words, she notes she usually ends at around eight thousand and starts day two already feeling behind. But before you know it, day three begins, and with it, the sprint to the end. While many writers who regularly attempt the contest give themselves at least four hours to edit, Dobie prefers to give herself one—just enough to skim her work, give it a quick edit, add chapter breaks and then write the ending. Her endings can range from half a page to a whole additional scene, depending on her inspiration and energy. “Usually I’m burnt by that point and I just don’t have it in me,” she says. “Everything else I write I edit like a bastard and I just don’t like it… it’s so freeing [not to edit]—it reminds me it is supposed to be fun.” After appearing on the shortlist for 2018 and earning an honourable mention in 2020, Dobie won first place again with her novella The Tenants in 2022. The novel follows three characters—a couple, Scott and Dave, and Maeve, the newcomer to their Vancouver neighbourhood. Maeve wears a tweed suit and lavender Crocs, and lives in a tent in the vacant lot down the road.
The novel explores themes of isolation and disconnect, and just how easy it is to be unhoused in Vancouver. “That’s the risk in Vancouver… You’re only a couple paychecks away from living in your car, or a shelter. Really, it’s not set up for the working class,” Dobie says.
For those looking to try the three-day novel challenge themselves, Dobie says, “I could not recommend it enough.”
She adds that it is not uncommon for novice writers to win the contest, that if you’re a reader, you know instinctively how to tell a story, and you have every ability to tell it well.
Even if you only have 72 hours to do it.
Her top ten list of tips for surviving the contest are:
1. Save $5 on the early bird fee , deadline, which is August 5th every year
2. Work on your typing speed
3. Make your environment as frictionless as possible
4. Ideas can come from the thing that’s bugging you, the concept that’s not big enough for a novel, or a short story that blossoms into something more throughout the weekend.
5. Discourage other people from interacting with you
6. Get a ‘touchstone book, ’ a story you can turn to at any point for inspiration, or some other tricks for getting yourself out of ruts.
7. Lean into the restriction of the contest adding even more restrictions can actually help ideas come.
8. Hydrate, get up and walk around, find a way to record your ideas when you go out for a walk and sleep.
9. Join the contest Discord (linked on her site) to write alongside a community of enthusiastic (masochistic?) writers!
10. Take the Tuesday afterwards off if you can, or take it easy if you can’t. The weekend will be taxing.
Grab a copy of The Tenants from Anvil Press ($18) or check out Pat Dobie’s website.
Are you feeling fresh?
What’s All That Noise?
“Noise” curators Oeane and Teflon Spine talk about the scene in Vancouver
Jasmine Garcha (she/her)
Arts and Culture Editor
Millie Beatch (she/her)
Illustrator
When deciding what to do on a Friday night, Vancouverites might not think, “Let’s pay to listen to a bunch of noise. Harsh sounds and repetitive tones? Count me in.” However, noise music, or “noise,” has a dedicated fanbase in the underground scene in Vancouver.
“Noise,” as described by Owen, professionally known as Oeane, is “music that’s sort of characterized by a constant note of noise or a constant use of it.” Some may choose against calling it music at all, but, in Owen’s words, “I feel like we as a people––‘we as a people’––I sound so inspiring. We, as a society, should be generalizing music. It’s all music.”
Owen, who curates events and artists under Passkey, goes on to define noise as “people who are sort of wanting to try something different and not want to follow the general constraints of what a song is defined by.”
“I would put ‘noise music’ inside ‘noise’ but I won’t deny anyone else who feels the opposite or even something else,” says Each, from Teflon Spine, jokingly adding, “That which is said to be noise is noise.”
“We, as a society, should be generalizing music. It’s all music.” *** ***
Teflon Spine is an organization that serves as a central communication point for noise show curation in Vancouver. “I have been very lucky to have been one of the few people making opportunities for people who aren’t already known to make experimental performances,” says Each, later adding, “it doesn’t require courage to perform; it requires opportunities.”
When it comes to who attends the shows, Each says that he’s not interested in reaching a wider audience; those who want to be there will show up. “You like what you like,” he says, “And lots of people like golf. I’m never gonna be there and golf people don’t fuck with me, so…”
“I think people are mainly just intimidated by it because it’s something very different,” Owen says, referring to audiences who may have misconceptions about what noise generally entails. “There’s so much artistry beneath the surface that people will never find because they’re too scared.”
Noise means something different to every musician making it. To some, it’s an expression or release of emotion. Some even read poetry over the sounds they play. “It really is emotionally charged,” Owen says. “I feel like the audience can really see that if they go to any sort of noise show.”
In the future of Vancouver’s noise scene, Each hopes to see more people curating noise and further diversity in the audience and performers. He states, sarcastically, “I just like to see a great proliferation of exactly what I like! Doesn’t that sound like everyone you know?” He goes on to say,
“To be serious, I would like people to feel that Vancouver venues are as accessible for performing noise to most people as they are to me.”
Owen and their friend Adam have moved Passkey to Montreal where they plan to continue curating noise. Due to Vancouver’s increasing rent prices, “there are so many people who are almost going to lose their place of living,” Owen says, “and that is happening with all of the venues you like and all of the venues everybody else likes in Vancouver because they have to pay rent, too.” However, in Montreal, there is an abundance of underground event curation and artistry, a scene which Owen and Adam plan on joining. Passkey’s shows and updates can be found on Instagram @pass____key.
When asked what’s in store for the future of Passkey, Owen says, “You’ll just have to wait and see.”
Each and his upcoming Vancouver-based shows can be found on Instagram @teflonspine.
“Noise means something different to every musician making it. To some, it’s an expression or release of emotion. Some even read poetry over the sounds they play.”
Light After Darkness: The Significance of Diwali
Embrace the spirit of Diwali: Unity, Joy and Celebration
Amandeep Kaur (she/her) Tin Raganit (they/them)
Contributor Illustrator
Diwali, called Bandi Chhor Divas in Sikhi and Dipawali in Jainism, is celebrated by over a billion people around the world on the same day with different stories, customs and practices in each religion.
In Hinduism, Diwali is celebrated on the new moon day of the Kartik month, which is the month of Lord Vishnu’s worship. The preparations start at the beginning of the month. Diwali marks the return of Lord Shri Rama, a Hindu God, to the city of Ayodhya with his wife Sita and brother Lakshmana from 14 years of exile after defeating Ravana, the 10-headed demon king. People lit diyas (ghee lamps) to turn the dark night of Amavasya into a full moon day. Since then, every year in the Kartik month of the Hindu calendar, Diwali has been celebrated on Amavasya, the new moon, which falls on a different day each year in the months of October or November.
Diwali encompasses five days of celebration beginning with Dhanteras. On this day, people clean their homes, buy gold, silver, jewellery, utensils, etc. The second day is Choti Diwali or Narka Chaturdashi, which is when people decorate their homes, worship Lord Krishna and light diyas. As the name indicates, people remove nark (negativities) from their homes.
The third and main day of Diwali is Lakshmi Puja (prayer to the goddess Lakshmi). On this day, people worship Ganesha, decorate their homes with flower garlands and diyas, light firecrackers and create rangoli art. Young people seek the blessings of their elders. The following day is Govardhan Puja, which is another prayer, and the fifth day is Bhai Dooj. On this day, sisters pray for their brother’s long and happy life and sisters give nariyal gola/coconut to them and get their blessings in return.
Bandi Chhor Divas celebrates the return of the sixth Guru, Sri Guru Hargobind Singh Ji to Amritsar after imprisonment in Gwalior in the early 1600s. He and 52 kings were held captive by Jahangir, the Mughal Emperor, in an attempt to fight the rising popularity of Sikhi after its creation.
After capturing him, Jahangir fell sick. Mian Mir, a Muslim saint, suggested the emperor let Guru Hargobind Ji go. The emperor agreed, but when Guru Hargobind Ji asked him to release the other captives, he said whoever can hold Guru Hargobind Ji’s chola (piece of cloth) can go with him. So, the guru arranged a chola with 52 corners. To celebrate the return of Guru Hargobind Ji and the captives, the people of Amritsar and Sikhs around the world light diyas throughout the city, in their homes and gurudwaras (temples) to celebrate.
There are 24 tirthankaras in Jainism, regarded as the first humans to achieve Nirvana, or moksha which is the release from samsara, the life-death cycle in the material world. Dipawali celebrates the anniversary of the day the 24th tirthankara, Lord Mahavira, attained Nirvana at the dawn of the new moon in 527 BCE. Dipawali also marks the end of the Jain year, so they wish each other “Nava Saal Mubarak” meaning “Happy New Year.”
The word Dipawali is made up of the Sanskrit words Deep and Aawali. Deep means “lamp” and Aawali means “line or series.” On this day, Jains celebrate by lighting diyas to symbolize keeping the light of Lord Mahavira’s knowledge alive.
Jain temples are decorated with lights and sweets are distributed. Diyas are lit to symbolize the removal of ignorance. Many Jains celebrate by fasting, singing and chanting hymns and mantras while some participate in charity. All celebrations are marked by simplicity, equity and calmness. Non-violence is a pillar of Jainism, so they avoid firecrackers as they can harm living organisms. They also visit Pavapuri and Nalanda in the Indian state of Bihar to offer their prayers.
This festival, despite being celebrated by different religions, connects people through the same constant message: No matter how dark it is, there is always light after darkness.
A Peaceful Conversation with Vancouver’s Most Disruptive Band
M01E Discusses How They Got Their Name, Their Approach to Creativity, and Working on a New Album
Crew Writer
Illustrator
Sean Finan (any)
Livvy Hung (she/her)
The underground music scene in Vancouver is growing into an increasingly undefinable, heterogeneous collage of genre and influence. This mesh seems to be the standard in the age of internet access. The charts are becoming progressively populated with sterilized algorithmic anthems—created for mass consumption but ultimately loved by few and left behind. Amidst this, there is an undercurrent of erratic noise born in protest to the state of popular music, and the mindset of consuming art passively.
Vancouver-based “No-Punk” band M01E is unignorable. The sounds created by the band could be described as loud, harsh, aggressive and raw. Their audience is typically polarized, their sound being frightening to some and beautifully cathartic to others. Their music ranges from soft and introspective to loud and ironic, with their lyrics typically speaking to the most pertinent parts of the human experience.
In contrast to most of their music, a discussion with the band members Jerome, Kit, Willow and Emerson happens to be extremely peaceful.
Like many children of chaos, M01E was birthed in a parking garage.
Kit, bassist and vocalist, remembers Jerome, guitarist and vocalist, teaching him how to play bass in the “UBC Cry Club Parkade,” a parking garage that they turn into an improvisational screaming playroom every week.
Kit claims to be the “Sid Vicious” of the group. Before the band, he had “no musical capabilities whatsoever,” wanting “to get straight to the point of writing cool stuff.”
“You need to go through all this hell first before you can get to the good part. But I got to the good part right away,” Kit says.
“I think there’s definitely value in learning the fundamentals for things that just entirely depends on the person,” Emerson adds, going on to say, “That’s what happened at churches a lot. And then, you had a lot of people who actually had actually had a decent amount of technical skills, but not because they were in lessons, but because they were forced to play it with other people and learn through doing the thing.“
This DIY simplicity is the ethos of the band. The name “M01E,” is a frankensteinian amalgamation of characters from Jerome’s original name for the band “My Sold Out
Reverie,” which he came up with when he was 16. “The meaning changes all the time, it doesn’t mean the same to me right now compared to two years ago,” he says.
This ethos is manifested in Willow’s drum setup, using only a floor tom, crash and snare.
But for everyone in the band, M01E is “more like an approach, or an attitude.”
“It means, at least to me, reducing so-called rock or punk or whatever, or just music expression itself to the bare bone. We want to be an active counterforce to the Spotify algorithm driven music evolution,” says Jerome. “[...] human beings aren’t perfect, and people choose professionalism because they’re afraid to face their own humanity.”
At the tail end of completing their newest self-produced album, Jerome reflects on the gruelling process of learning to do it all by himself.
“I think I just wanted to do it, just for the act of doing it, just to prove that you can, you can do it. So hopefully after I’m done with this process, I can just share with everyone just how my experience is, and so they will be less afraid to just do it themselves.”
Sticking a microphone into the crowd is an M01E staple, always providing the opportunity for anyone to let out a healing scream.
M01E is constantly blurring the line between audience and performer, ending their shows by letting people come on stage and play their instruments, while they join the crowd and take their turn in the mosh-pit.
The group pays homage to their local inspirations. Among their favourite groups are “Natlak, Still Depths, Piss, Kidz Help Fone, The Ransackers, Girlwife, Goats and Lasers, Los Duendes, Heterosexuals, Slowicide, Cherry Pick–all of them, every band.”
“Outside there’s a tree that’s red, and there’s a tree that’s green, but the leaves are both shaking in the wind, and that’s how I feel about music,” Willow rhapsodizes.
“That’s beautiful,” Emerson responds.
Mushroom Mania!
A brief forager’s dive into how you can lower your grocery bill with local mushrooms.
Whether you’ve lived in the Pacific Northwest (PNW) for your entire life or are a new arrival, you might have fallen victim to the common misconception that mushrooms are dangerous, invasive pests that should never be touched— let alone consumed. The reality is that BC has the most diverse mushroom speciation in all of North America, with thousands of edible and medicinal fungi that can be harvested wild. Aside from excursions into the woods being a fun way to feed yourself, many people, like myself, love indulging in the rage delicacies that are the plunder of backcountry voyages.
While it’s true that some mushrooms are poisonous, foraging isn’t as intimidating as it sounds— I’ve been foraging since I was three years old, and I still haven’t given myself brain damage (it’s true. I even asked my psychiatrist). With the right knowledge, beginners can easily enthrall themselves in the fascinating world of fungi, go on scenic side quests, and lower their grocery bills all at once! However, caution is essential, as lookalikes (aka, the evil twins of edible mushrooms) can have side effects ranging from stomach issues, death, or, if you manage to make the right kind of mistake, a psychedelic trip into another dimension. For the curious soul, there are some beginner-friendly mushrooms that I personally think are a great introduction to foraging.
Crew Writer
Yasmine Moderesi (she/her) Illustrator
Angelica Blanch (she/her)
King Bolete
Morel Mushroom
Chicken of the Woods
Lions Mane
Golden Chanterelle
Chicken of the Woods
(Laetiporus sulphureus)
This high-protein, chicken-flavoured fungus is a friend to both vegans and powerlifters. Growing on dead or dying trees, the rubbery fungus that stinks of sulphur and has bright hues of orange and yellow can easily be mistaken for poisonous by the casual observer, making it a secret treasure. There is one lookalike called Dyers Polypore, which is used to dye fabrics and hair different shades of red, but Dyers Polypore isn’t poisonous, and the two fungi are easily distinguishable by their textures and colour.
King Bolete (Boletus edulis)
Popularly known as the “Porcini” (piglet) in Italian cuisine, this delicacy has a meaty texture and savoury flavour. It can be found in abundance on the PNW on the forest floor in late summer and autumn and is easily identified from other common mushrooms by its lack of gills. Hypothetically, if a happy mountain goer like myself didn’t care about the regulations on foraging in Provincial Parks, Seymour Mountain would be the perfect location for a day of Bolete picking.
Golden Chanterelle (Cantharellus
cibarius)
While there are quite a few varieties of chanterelle, the golden chanterelle is by far the most popular. It is easily recognizable even if you’re not actively looking for mushrooms due to its bright yellow colour and its insideout umbrella shape. As a mushroom that thrives in moist environments, Chanterelles grow in clusters in spring and autumn on the forest floor of the PNW.
Lion’s Mane Fungus (Hericium erinaceus)
Speculated to have medicinal properties in Eastern medicine, Lion’s Mane is a delicious and versatile fungus often used as a meat substitute. It grows in unpredictable and yet distinct, spiky and white protrusions from the trunks of dead trees in the autumn and springtime. Considered a delicacy worldwide, this fungus is also perfect for novice foragers because it has no poisonous lookalikes.
Morel Mushrooms (Morchella esculenta)
A highly prized and expensive delicacy, we’re lucky to have such a bounty of morels in BC. Rare because they can’t be grown in captivity (they rely on symbiotic relationships with trees to survive), foragers in BC have previously started territory battles over Morels! These are some of the easiest mushrooms to identify, with their honeycomblike appearance. Although the False Morel is a common evil twin that will have you hunched over your toilet for a few days, False Morels can be easily distinguished from Morels by cutting the mushroom in half: Morels are hollow inside, while False Morels are not.
Going forward, if you feel that foraging might be a fun way for you to get outside and lower your grocery bill all at once, do it— but also, don’t be so overly enthusiastic that you poison yourself. Believe it or not, there are seemingly infinite peer-reviewed and folk-tradition sources online to learn about feeding yourself, mycology, and natural medicinal remedies. To get started as a complete beginner, try online identification resources like iNaturalist, the “Picture Mushroom Identifier” app, or field guides like David Arora’s “All That the Rain Promises and More” and The National Audubon Society’s “Field Guide to Mushrooms.” Stay safe, have fun and watch out for that False Morel, please, really.
Thrown Into a Sea of Blood, Sweat and Bass
How a poster changed the trajectory of my teen years
Zine Manager
Illustrator
Mia Lancaster (she/her)
Mena McGill (she/they)
We used to take hours getting ready for an outing.
My outfit:
An old band tee, tucked into ill-fitting, thrifted mom jeans cinched as tight as possible, with an actively disintegrating grommet belt. Huge pins on my smelly corduroy jacket. I didn’t know how to do makeup yet and my greasy forehead was deprived of bangs.
Your outfit:
A short plaid skirt with a grommet belt even though it didn’t have belt loops. An oversized t-shirt tucked into that concoction, with an even more oversized denim button-up thrown over top. You may have worn some sparkly pink eyeshadow from the Too Faced “Sweet Peach” palette. We heard a rumor that it was edible, so one time we tried to sample it.
I think we were both really nervous. After all, it was the sort of thing that holds a lot of potential for thirteen-yearold weird girls: new romances, style inspo, rare music—all kinds of cool underground shit that only we would know about. This was uncharted water, and as far as we knew, we were the first to sail it.
A few weeks prior, I found this very poster on a table in my English classroom advertising an event which had long passed. The intriguing mish-mash of retro magazine cutouts and ransom note lettering really appealed to my Riot Grrrl tendencies. I immediately pledged my social media allegiance to the instagram handles of the local indie bands featured on the poster. Soon, a new event surfaced on my feed.
There was this legendary venue called the 333. It was an old auto shop-turned-venue in East Vancouver, where all the other makeshift venues lived, too. My very supportive parents drove us there and my little brother came along. Leaking from the doors of the grey establishment was a purple glow that drew us inside where we would hand over maybe 15 clams to get in. At future occasions, we would try 20 for the both of us.
This was very exciting for us—sort of divine. As if someone had overheard our tween prayers for a space just like this, and created it for us to play in. Within the graffiti coated walls of this venue, we were able to probe ideas and people that we found truly intimidating, yet alluring. For heaven’s sake, the whole venue smelled like a heinous potion of Pabst Blue Ribbon, cigarette butts, bong water and B.O. It was equally as disgusting, as it was completely epic. Although, God forbid you ever needed to pee while you were there. The bathroom was the worst I have seen in my entire life. The door had a giant hole, no lock and the toilet roll was somehow always on the perpetually wet floor. There might have been a toilet seat, but that depends on who you ask.
None of the grime really mattered, though, because I had never danced like that before: pressed against so many people, smashing into them and sweating. The purple lighting cascaded over the bands that played so loud. Between sets, we cooled down in 2018’s January air and eavesdropped on the groups of tumblr baddies outside. On the drive home, we couldn’t shut up about whatever crazy thing happened that night. It always filled us with energy and stories.
The 333 was packed with strangers. Strangers with dyed hair, vintage plaid pants and beanies cuffed up to the highest degree. Strangers with tattoos and platform boots, expressing themselves however they pleased. Strangers who were older than us, juul-ing, smoking and spilling beer all over the place. To our luck, my mummy and daddy were cool with it. They would stand at the back of the venue, by the “bar” for the rest of the night, and watch us get destroyed in the pit. My dad’s reasoning: “You were really into music and we didn’t think it would be that bad, because we’d been living in London. We would keep an eye on you and you could have a different type of experience.”
I never did find out where that mysterious poster came from; I’ve always accepted it as my destiny. The shows I went to informed much of how my teen years unravelled. My friends, my parents and I became regulars to the alternative music scene. It was just part of our weekends to go to venues like the 333. It expanded my social world past the little circle in North Vancouver. Now, many years down the line, these spaces have been forced to close their doors. It’s extremely disheartening, but it’s important that we keep what we have left up and running. Go out to support local venues and bands so that more weirdo thirteen-year-olds can have fun on the weekends. 43
Interview
An with Capilano Courier
Humour Editor Adam
Wallace.
I sat down with the mustachioed editor late September to learn what exactly he does.
Talia Glotones (she/her)
Contributor
Kit Vega (she/they)
Illustrator
I met up with Capilano Courier humour editor, Adam Wallace, in late September at his basement suite in North Vancouver. He greets me on the asphalt outside, stepping daintily in his socks. He extends the usual courtesies and brings me to his bedroom to do the interview. I step over piles of clothing and miscellaneous cables strewn haplessly all over the fake hardwood floor.
“Please, sit” he says, gesturing to a bass amplifier next to his cluttered desk. He takes a seat in a creaky office chair of which the faux-leather finish has almost completely been peeled off. I pull out my zoom recorder and we begin the interview.
Q: So, in your own words, what is it exactly you say you do around the Capilano Courier?
A: Well, basically, I’m the head of the humour section. I come up with concepts, contact contributors and edit their articles, generally I just keep an eye on what’s funny and what’s not, what could be funnier, how things could be funnier, stuff like that.
Q: And what would you say qualifies you to do that?
A: I, uh..
At this point, Adam’s train of thought seems halted. He goes to speak, then stops himself. He does this multiple times.
A: Well…
He grasps for an opened box of Rainbow chips ahoy sitting next to some dirty mugs on his desk, but it’s just a little too far out of reach
A: Little help?
I oblige, pushing the colourful cookies inches closer and into his hand. He grabs the box, rips it open and crunches a cookie in his mouth with fervor.
A: Sorry, I’m still thinking of an answer to that.
Q: Well we can circle back to it later on if you want.
A: No, it’s okay, I think—I think it’s because people think I’m funny.
He shoves another cookie into his mouth.
Q: I sense some hesitation in your voice.
A: Well, It’s just because I don’t necessarily want to be funny I guess, or at least it’s not the only thing I want. I do want to be taken seriously, like I think I do have something to offer as a writer with a unique worldview, but for some reason, I always find Adam takes another bite at a rainbow cookie, crumbs flying onto his black shirt.
A: There’s something holding me back from being seen as a contender.
Q: You say you don’t want to be funny, but why not? I think most people, especially writers, consider the ability to make others laugh a gift.
A: Well I guess there’s this element of embarrassment, like I feel as though I’m purposefully debasing myself in order to get laughs from people sometimes. I just wish I was able to connect with people in more meaningful ways.
Q: I don’t think humour is meaningless.
A: Yeah, okay fair. But you know what I mean.
Q: It isn’t it your choice though to play that role? I mean you could stop at any time, can’t you?
A: I don’t know, it’s hard to stop playing the role that you’ve already put yourself in.
Q: It certainly can be. Change as a whole is always scary.
A: Change as a whole... Change as a whole... Change... As... a... whole...
“(in falsetto) oh yeah, oh yeah, go Adam, oh yeah!”
Adam starts rubbing his chin with his thumb, seemingly caught in a thought…
A: Change as hole and it’s change like quarters and stuff and instead of whole like everything it’s hole like butthole! He throws me a look as if to ask me what I thought.
Q: Oh... uh, haha, yeah that’s– that’s funny I suppose.
A: Yes!
He pumps his fist victoriously. He starts doing a hand roll dance and bobbing his head to an imaginary rhythm.
A: (in falsetto) oh yeah, oh yeah, go Adam, oh yeah! He stands up and gestures to me at his open door.
A: I’m sorry but I have to write now. Good day.
Q: Can we finish the interview?
A: Please leave.
Q: Okay I’m just wondering if—
A: Seriously, get up. Go! Come on, hit the road. Today?
Q: I’m just–
A: Hey lady, vamoose! Time to get out of my rooooooom!
So that’s how the interview ends, abruptly and weirdly rude. It’s fitting for a man who could so easily fit into that description just as well. Look for his work in the humour section, I’m sure he’ll be writing something about butts and change for next month’s issue.
In my admittedly biased opinion, the students of this school should not be paying this man for his writing, not even a little. His humour is far from academically acceptable, it’s juvenile and has no place in an institution of learning like ours. Additionally, he has an air of self-importance, as if he believes it’s an undeniable fact that he is funny.
Top Eight Pokémon That Would Probably Taste Amazing
Snack time! In no particular order, we list the top eight most mouth-watering creatures from the beloved universe of delectable pocket monsters.
Kate Henderson (she/they)
Crew Writer
Releasing trading cards and video games since the mid 90s, Pokémon has been a staple of multiple generations–playing as a trainer who collects various unique creatures known as Pokémon. If it wasn’t already screwed up enough to keep them inside little balls to be used for battle, they’re now going to be devoured by me, mmm.
1. Metapod
Metapod is our crunchiest candidate, at least in its exterior. Eating Metapod’s wasabi pee crunch requires prime timing, specifically after its shells hardens in the scenario of attack. This crunch contrasts Metapod’s moist goopy insides; the Pokédex (the official Pokémon index) does describe the process of harvesting its shell, achieved by “a large impact” that causes Metapod to “pop out of its shell”. This not only makes the logistics of eating Metapod more complicated, but requires the specialized skill of an advanced Pokémon hunter.
2. Stunkfisk
This Pokémon is most appealing in its shape and texture; sort of like if beef jerky had a baby with a fruit-roll up and was shaped almost like a slice of pizza. Hypothetically, this could be fun to tear into (the same tense bite as beef jerky) however, Stunkfisk is an electric type Pokémon, meaning one risks electrocution while harvesting. Also, Stunkfisk are incredibly high in iron (as they reside in “iron rich mudbanks”) meaning regular consumption poses a high risk of gout.
3. Porygon
Described as “the only Pokémon people anticipate can fly into space,” it only makes sense that Porgyon’s flavour would be intergalactic, with the snap crack and pop of a Pop Rock. The Pokédex also classified Porygon as “manmade,” which could also account for the artificial flavour of Pop Rocks.
4. Psyduck
Ethically, Psyduck could be the worst choice on this list to eat. I thought eating Psyduck would give me his psychic powers, but once observing the Pokédex his psychic powers are described to cause “chronic headaches” that “torment” Psyduck causing its “vacant look,” and I don’t think I want any of that; sure, it might taste amazing prepared au confit, but do we really need to torment Psyduck more?
5. Diglett
Defined in the Pokédex as living “one yard underground” with a diet of underground starches, Diglett lives like a potato, and would probably taste like a potato. In so, its evolution of Dugtrio could be an evolution of potatoes, french fries (after you fry those fellas up). However, Diglett’s lack of sunlight exposure indicates severely low amounts of Vitamin D, indicating Diglett could lead to osteoporosis over time.
6. Togepi
With a shell supposedly “filled with happiness,” sprinkled with a colourful geometric pattern, I’m imagining the crunch of ‘90s cereal met with a smooth, yolky inside. That being said, Togepi’s happiness and good luck is only shared “when treated kindly,” I don’t think eating it is very kind. Frankly, if we’re already trapping Togepi in an orb for dog fights, I think the kindness boundary has been crossed already.
7. Snorlax
Described to have a “hidden ability of gluttony,” it’s clear Snorlax would be a rich feast for the whole family. In fact, according to the Pokédex, Snorlax eats “900 pounds” of food every day. While this would provide a lot of mass for us to eat, unfortunately Snorlax is also described to eat “moldy and rotten food” raising concerns that Snorlax could potentially be carrying high amounts of bacteria in its system.
8. Mewtwo
Mewtwo is one of the most unique choices to eat on this list and it could potentially be more ethical to eat him. After being created by “years of horrific gene splicing,” scientists still fail to give it “a warm heart.” Perhaps, instead of warming his own heart, he could warm our stomachs with his delicious meat.
Through this exploration, I hope you have also contemplated the ethics of each Pokémon you could consume, and the ethics of anything you consume (this part isn’t funny but it’s important). Which Pokémon would you eat? Let us know in the comments!
Crossword! (Vancouver Special)
by Sofia Musa
Female rooster
Like badly applied makeup 8 "I have no ____"
NPO that loves red paint 13 Woodwind instrument with a lot of vowels 14 Lilo's older sister, or "what" in Japan
No-bullshit on Clark and Venables
Discordant UBC radio
Nice yes
Dum dum
Owlish bookstore on
37 Free from obligation, unlike everyone else
Spanish dictator
Rihanna's stan name 42 Harry's bestie
Confiscate (eg. title or rank)
Blue line
The peanut butter to Yang's jelly
36 La____ College by Renfrew Station
Slimy and zappy sea creatures
46 ___ Maria 47 Sagest hall on Adanac and Victoria 48 Split in two, like a chin 51 Poseidon's favorite record store on Main and 20th 54 Anne Hathaway Enchanted 55 Like an ear 58 Dubai's home, abbr.
One thousand kilos
Partner of "Tell" for Elementary School
62 Free to go, phew...
37 Period of time 38 14 in Pompeii
Result of splitting the globe
What you might ask someone who's running late
40 Brentwood Room where you can spend a fortune on arcade games and a beer 43 Music made for the production, abbr.
Organization for northern 1.Down
44 Keanu’s first big role
Popular Greek tourist island
Marry
Lincoln, to close friends
Knocks out, abbr.
Affirmative
49 Render speechless 50 War machine 51 Itty bitty Salamander
Like Quechua or Machu Picchu
A sort of podium
Eclipse, as the competition
Tolkien's trees
“No”, but like chill
Like a well ventilated room
Puritan about sex
Big exam for wannabe lawyers 56 Gen Z slang for “strange and dumb” according to google
Swarms
No swipe option for credit cards 20 Singer
2.95 breakfast off Broadway 59 Not quite scary, but getting there
62 Flamenco yell, or tasty non-alc drinks
63 Sly cabaret on Main and 7th 64 VULGAR SLANG for rubbing one out
Kyoto yes
Guys with
La____
Period of
14 in Pompeii
Brentwood where you fortune on games and
Music made production,
Keanu's first
Marry
Render speechless
War machine
Itty bitty Salamander 52 Eclipse, as competition
53 "No", but 55 Big exam lawyers
56 Gen Z slang "strange according
57 2.95 breakfast Broadway
59 Not quite getting there 62 Flamenco non-alc
63 Sly cabaret and 7th
VULGAR
Craving for more?
Here are some more articles to expect published on our website, capilanocourier.com:
• Course Clustering
• Who won the BC Elections?
• Ascending Into the Hall of Fame
• Studying in the Forest: Can it Motivate Students to Move More?
• Taking care of (Poem)
• Naked Giants
• Memory
• Vintage Vancouver
• Epic Win for Breaking Bad Fans! Prof Arrested for Distribution of Crystal Meth.
• Library vs Birch: Who’s Vending Machines are Better?
CAPILANO UNIVERSITY is located on the traditional unceded territories of the LíỈwat, xʷməθkʷəỷəm (Musqueam), shíshálh (Sechelt), Sḵwx̱wú7mesh (Squamish) and SəỈílwətaʔ/ Selilwitulh (Tsleil-Waututh) Nations.
We recognize our presence here as guests on this sacred land and deeply appreciate the privilege to work, study, and reside in this remarkable place. The Capilano Courier acknowledges that this gesture is just a starting point on the path to reconciliation, and we are committed to amplifying Indigenous voices and sharing their stories.
THE CAPILANO COURIER is an autonomous, democratically-run student newspaper that encourages literary and visual submissions. However, all submissions undergo editing for brevity, taste, and legality. We are committed to not publishing material that the collective deems as promoting sexism, racism, or homophobia. The views expressed by the contributing writers are not necessarily those of the Capilano Courier publishing society.
Additionally, we prioritize a human-centered approach to content creation and do not support the use of AI in our editorial processes. We believe in the value of human perspectives and storytelling in our publication.
CAPILANO COURIER
Are you feeling fresh?