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What would Deirdre do?
feels that someone else will tell, and it may be better that that person is family. You will be needed by both of them. Let your ill cousin get settled at the hospice, then see if he can be persuaded to write to or phone his brother. Time may not be on your side but stay close for them both.
A DV I C E F RO M D E I R D R E TA R R A N T
T R A N S SE C R E T S
D O G DAYS N UM B E R E D
We have elderly family members in Japan who have a transgender great grandchild who lives here. They have not been kept up to date with the transition changes. The specific family’s attitude is that the information will be too distressing for the great grandparents to cope with. Our part of the family is planning a skiing trip to Japan soon. Is it our job to keep the secret for other family members? Or do we owe honesty to ourselves and the great grandparents? Skiers, Whitby
I have an ageing dog and cat. Both of them are healthy but I know that is unlikely to remain the situation. I enjoy their company every day. I grew up on a farm where animals were well treated but they were not family members. Even pet lambs, we understood, would probably eventually disappear to the works. My friends and family were aghast recently when I said it would be practical to have the pets put down in a few years. I have enough money to take care of them but think it’s foolish to pay for expensive procedures just to prolong their lives. I would rather see that money go to someone who needs it, than spend it on an animal who only has a couple more years left. Am I hard hearted or sensible? Hard hearted Hannah, Porirua
Respect for cultures and values is important. This situation spans three generations and a time line of many years as well as physical distance. I personally have known of families who did not all know their children’s sexual preferences, and choices not to tell were made and sustained. It is not about right or wrong. It is about being family and loving your relatives as special people no matter what happens in life’s journey. Relationships and life choices are personal for those involved. It is possible to maintain both separately? This seems to be one of those times. Respect all individuals for themselves and be supportive. Have a good holiday and go visit. You will be appreciated for who you are. The issue is not about you, and you do not owe yourself honesty about it? You are clearly concerned, but this is not your secret. Be a loving friend and respect their decisions. How wonderful that the great grandparents exist. Travel safe.
Congratulations on your forward thinking approach to this. They are special friends to you and that does not change. If and when things become distressing for them and the quality of their life deteriorates it is not heartless to consider what you might best do. Until then enjoy one day at a time with them both. Live in the now.
FA M I LY O F F L I M I T S I have an elderly cousin who lives in another part of New Zealand. Another cousin has told me of an illness that means he hasn’t long left to live. He asked me not to tell his brother, the cousin who lives elsewhere. They have had an on-and-off relationship for much of their lives. The ill cousin is about to go into a hospice. And he has repeated his request that I not tell his brother anything. I get on well with both of them. To which one do I owe my loyalty? Irritated and confused, Thorndon
G HO ST S A N D G HOU L S What is positive about Halloween? It seems like just an imported bit of Americanism to me. Grumpy, Khandallah Indeed it is and a commercial extravaganza, but it certainly seems to have infiltrated and is a lot of fun for many. I love carving pumpkin lanterns and dressing up! Enjoy.
This is hard – I feel that you need to respect your ill cousin in the first instance but when he moves into the hospice, maybe suggest that you go to visit and take the brother with you? Realisation and conversation may evolve from the circumstances. It is best ultimately that both know and hopefully their relationship finds a pathway of its own. The challenge for you is to find a way to be loyal and a friend to both of them. Part of me also
If you’ve got a burning question for Deirdre, email angel@capitalmag.co.nz with Capital Angel in the subject line.
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