Labour of love

BY MELODY THOMAS

Content warning: this column focuses on pregnancy and parenting, and might be difficult to read for people trying to start a family, or who have experienced pregnancy loss. It’s also about the love a parent feels for their children, which is not to say those without children will “never know true love” (drivel!).

As much as I wish I were, I’m not someone who remembers dates. You know the people: “Oh yeah, that was 2013, right after Obama’s inauguration”. Incredible! I could never. But I do remember what I was doing 10 years ago today, because it was the day I became a parent.

Two days before that, my labour began. It was a long, drawn-out process, and by the time I’d passed two nights at home – the first sleeping between wide-spaced early contractions, the second roaring with a guttural violence that reminds us that we, too, are animals – I was beyond exhausted. My cervix had stalled at 7cm dilated, so we rushed to the hospital where things escalated to an emergency caesarean.

When I finally met our girl, cradled by her weeping father, who pressed her small head to mine, I felt as if I were witnessing the moment through a filmy veneer. My body shook and my jaw shuddered (an alarming epidural sideeffect – and one for which they make you sign a disclaimer in case your teeth get chipped), but I was happy and spent. I noted that the love I felt for the little creature being laid skin-to-skin on my chest wasn’t explosive and life-changing. It felt the same as it had the whole time she was growing in my body: as natural and settled as the days. Later I would read that during pregnancy, cells from the fetus cross the placenta and enter the mother’s body, where they can become part of her tissues. Even after birth they remain a part of you.

I’ve written a lot about the challenges of parenting, which are plentiful and merciless, because it’s important we understand we’re not alone when we’re in the depths of it. But today I’m thinking about the beauty, which I was less prepared for.

I knew I was to acquire dependents: people who would rely on me for everything needed to keep them alive, a responsibility which would diminish over time but never fully disappear. But I didn’t realise the extent of this privilege, nor its reward. That I would get to hang out with a couple of cool little humans who also happen to think I am the best thing that ever happened. A couple of hilarious, adventurous, sweet and empathetic little weirdos who would devote hours and hours to making me cards and pictures, presenting precious shells and feathers and stones from their pockets, in an endless tribute to me, the human representation of love, their very first home.

I knew I would love them, but I didn’t realise how their laughter would ring like bells in my heart, how their sense of wonder at the world would reintroduce me to the beauty I’d stopped noticing, and how sometimes, when I’m a little shaky, or sick or sore from my period, they would offer me the nook under their armpit, the sweet home of their body, so I might feel a touch of the same love and care they know to expect from me.

Of course this love also makes you extremely vulnerable: no matter how much you cultivate happiness in other areas of your life, it all relies entirely on their safety and wellbeing, as if your own heart were wandering around outside of your body, unprotected by cartilage and rib. It’s also draining, requiring support from your community, wider family, friends, policy-makers and workplaces to be tenable. For years, you might lose yourself completely to the role of Mum or Dad, then spend years again reclaiming some semblance of your individual personhood. You will sacrifice your body, nearly all of your time, your sleep and your freedom, and in return you will often feel taken for granted, underappreciated, burnt out, and bored to the point of madness from the repetitiveness of it all.

But somehow, it’s all worth it. I don’t know how or why, since the hard stuff often seems to outweigh the goods in quantity. I can only assume that the good stuff is worth more, lasts longer, penetrates deeper, because it’s made from love. And I’m so grateful to them for showing it to me.

TESSA MA’AUGA: MOVEMENTS FROM PEARL RIVERS

Fibre sculptures reflecting connections between Southern China and Aotearoa

Te Manawa, Palmerston North

WELLINGTON FRINGE FESTIVAL

Full on schedule of diverse performances from NZ and around the world

Various Wellington venues, until 11 March

THE HAND OF DOG

Stuart Forsyth explores the ups and downs of the human/pet relationship

Toi Pōneke Arts Centre, 61 Abel Smith Street, until 17 March

IN BED WITH SCHOENBERG

Comedy, drama and exquisite live classical music

Circa Theatre, until 17 March

MIRROR MAGIC

Enter a room of mirrors and be amazed Te Manawa, Palmerston North, until 19 March

TE AU: LIQUID CONSTITUENCIES

Water as the fountain of life

Govett Brewster Art Gallery/Len Lye Centre, New Plymouth, until 20 March

LOST OBJECTS AND BECKONING LAND

Sculpture and prints by Kath Foster and John Foster

Mahara Iti Gallery, 2 Mahara Place, Waikanae, until 6 April

MARTIN BASHER/BEN BUCHANAN: SOUR GRAPES

Botanical minimalism meets trippy immersion

City Gallery, Te Ngākau Civic Square, until 23 April

ANTIREALITY PERVERSION VOID

Six makers’ gothic, punk, macabre, mythological, and magical ceramic objects City Gallery, Te Ngākau Civic Square, until 23 April

ROB MCLEOD: EXCUSE ME MR FRANKENSTEIN, VLAD IS OUTSIDE FEEDING

Raucous and delightfully demented reflection on pop culture, social commentary, and art history

The Dowse Art Museum, Lower Hutt, until 23 April

IN THE ROUND: PORTRAITS BY WOMEN SCULPTORS

Showcasing works from last century to the present NZ Portrait Gallery, Shed 11, Queen’s Wharf

THE LONG WAVES OF OUR OCEAN

New responses to Pacific poems by established early-career artists National Library, Molesworth Street

March

1

KURAWAKA – REACHING INTO THE RED CLAY: SHAPING GENDER JUSTICE IN AOTEAROA

Three women artists respond to the creation story National Library, Molesworth Street

3

THE ALLEGORICAL ARCHITECTURAL PROJECT

VUW School of Architecture speculations and predictions Academy Galleries, 1 Queens Wharf, until 19 March

5

HUTT SOUNDS MUSIC FESTIVAL

Legendary NZ and Aussie rock bands guaranteed to get you grooving Brewtown, Upper Hutt, 2pm–8.30pm

NEWTOWN FESTIVAL

Gather the whanau and get into the swing. This is one big, beautiful street party Newtown, 9.30am–8.30pm

10

121 DANCE FESTIVAL

A three-day dance odyssey – keep hydrated Tauherenikau Racecourse, South Wairarapa, until 12 March

11

CHILDREN’S DAY

A family event for tamariki Capital E and under the sails, Queen’s Wharf from 10am

BOOK-BINDING WORKSHOP

Learn a new skill with Meredith Paterson City Gallery, Te Ngākau Civic Square, 10am and 2pm

BLUE STORIES PROJECT: SHARING JOURNEYS OUT OF PERINATAL DEPRESSION

Local stories and pop-art portraits Johnsonville Library, Waitohi Hub, until 10 April

SANDY ADSETT: TOI KORU

Major survey exhibition from 60s to now Te Manawa, Palmerston North

18, 19

WOMAD

Aotearoa’s premier festival of world music Bowl of Brooklands, New Plymouth

18

JIM BEAM HOMEGROWN

Five stages, 40+ bands

Wellington Waterfront, from 1pm

VESSELS FOR NEW WORLDS: A CONVERSATION ON CONTEMPORARY CERAMICS

Justine Olsen shares her love of ceramics

City Gallery, Te Ngākau Civic Square, 2pm/ koha

WELLINGTON OPERA: LUCIA Di LAMMERMOOR

Murder, madness, and a blood-splattered bride

St James Theatre, until 25 March

19

MY WALK-IN WARDROBE –SUSTAINABLE FASHION MARKET

Clothing, jewellery, shoes and accessories for the conscious shopper

Brewtown, Upper Hutt, 10am–2pm

THE KING OF TAKING

Thom Monckton weaves another tale with wit, circus feats and lashings of velvet

Circa Theatre, until 25 March

THE IMPOSSIBLE HAS ALREADY HAPPENED

NZ/Canadian dance collaboration telling water stories

St James Theatre, 7.30pm

Not to be missed

The Allegorical Architectural Project

3 - 19 March 2023

VUW School of Architecture. Stories about environmental destruction, social disparities, and cultural loss – told through the voice of speculative architecture.

Elected Artist Showcase

24 March - 16 April 2023

25

UNHINGED: OPENING THE DOORS TO THE DOWSE COLLECTION

A visual symphony of 1000+ items

The Dowse Art Museum, Lower Hutt

ST MATTHEW PASSION

The Tudor Consort perform JS Bach’s monumental oratorio

Alan Gibbs Centre, Wellington College, 7pm

April

1

Have a laugh. Get creative with jokes and hoaxes – but only until noon

2

PORIRUA GRAND TRAVERSE

Something for everyone, from 9km community walk to full on 58km multisport event Whitireia Polytechnic, Wineera Drive, Porirua, from 8am

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

The Barden Party’s raucous rockabilly version

Old St Paul’s, Mulgrave Street, 1.30–3.30pm

6

WAIRARAPA BALLOON FESTIVAL

The skies are alive with the roar of fire bursts Wairarapa towns, until 10 April

TUATARA OPEN LATE

A monthly feast of art, music, film, and talks City Gallery, Te Ngākau Civic Square, 5–10pm

7 GOOD FRIDAY

8 NIGHT GLOW

A family night of music, events, food, and glowing balloons

Clareville Showgrounds, 4pm

LAND OF THE LONG LONG DRIVE

A classic Kiwi tale of a fun road adventure for the kids Circa Theatre, until 22 April

15

TAPOĪ TARANAKI CYCLE CHALLENGE

154 km around Taranaki Maunga. Are you up for it? Butler’s Point, Taranaki

21

CORONATION CELEBRATIONS

New works from Academy members celebrating King Charles III’s coronation Academy Galleries, 1 Queens Wharf, until 21 May

25

ANZAC DAY

Dawn Parades and commemorative events region wide. Lest We Forget

May 4

RNZB ROMEO & JULIET

Andrea Schermoly’s choreography breathes new life and passion into this timeless classic St James Theatre, 7.30pm

An exhibition of our Elected and Life Members’ work. Coronation Celebration

21 April - 21 May 2023

A members’ exhibition celebrating the up coming coronation of King Charles III.

Puzzle pals

Answers will be published online at capitalmag.co.nz/ crossword

Across

1. Four Hobbits begin a quest (10)

3. Robin, Dr. John Watson, Gromit, Donkey (9)

9. Wal’s best friend (5)

11. Fluffy yellow Easter symbol (6)

13. 1990s UK pop music genre (7)

14. A strong relationship, woven textile (5,4)

17. Series of children’s novels by Enid Blyton (6,4)

18. Pal (5)

21 & 37 down. What’s the password? (6)

23. Snoopy’s best friend (9)

24. Long-lasting relationship (8)

25. Reggae band formed in Whakatāne (3)

27. Autumn, te reo (7)

28. Act of laying a surface covering (6)

30. Easter treat, preferably chocolate (4)

31. No fun alone, see__(3)

35. Walking track from Paekākāriki to Pukerua Bay (10)

38. Friend of Winnie-the-Pooh (6)

Down

1. Birds of a feather ____ together (5)

2. Eye candy views (6)

3. Fine fabric produced by worms (4)

4. Casual pants named after their colour (6)

5. Food was ____ last year (7)

6. Keeping the peace? Let these lie (8,4)

7. Friends character who loves to clean (6)

8. Thick as ______(7)

10. Friend, te reo (3)

12. Join up (7)

15. Wellington street festival on 25-26 March (8)

16. Dull routine, stuck in a ___ (3)

18. Film starring Justin Timberlake, Friends with ___(8)

19. Longing (8)

20. Only thinks about others (8)

22. Recharge with a speedy sleep (5,3)

26. Song, “You’re My Best Friend” (5)

29. A pub without the frills (4,3)

Answers will be published online at capitalmag.co.nz/crossword

39. Friendly nation (4)

40. Wellington’s Riviera (6,5)

41. Beauty is in the eye of the ____ (8)

32. Observed on 25 April (5)

33. Month, walk in a military manner (5)

34. Jest, quipped (5)

36. Goat-like species introduced to NZ (4)

37 & 21 across. What’s the password? (4)