What would Deirdre do?

ADVICE FROM DEIRDRE TARRANT

House Giveaway

I don’t have children or siblings and am planning to leave a substantial part of my assets (my house and possessions) to the daughter of a cousin, with whom I have a special relationship, and have spent quite a bit of time with over the past 30 years. Is there any real or moral reason as to why I shouldn’t do this? My lawyer has suggested the inheritance should be shared between all the cousin’s children. I have no particular relationship with them and don’t see them from one year to the next, now they are grown up.

Solo oldie, Northland

I am not a lawyer but I would think that you are totally entitled to make your own decision, but be sure you do it legally. She is very lucky. I think as you do not have children, and relationships have not been close with the other nieces/nephews, this is fine. I can see that your lawyer is advising a cautious approach. You could make some smaller monetary bequest or itemise jewellery or furniture from your estate to go to the others if this were appropriate.

Talk About Violence

I have been estranged from my father for many years, but we have recently re-established a careful relationship, which I find rewarding. He has introduced me to his new partner and they seem happy. Am I morally obliged to tell her he was violent towards my mother? And convicted of a violent assault on another partner about 15 years ago?

Survivor guilt, Brooklyn

I am tempted to say let bygones be bygones and focus on the now and future. You do not know that he has not told her. Maybe have a talk to your father about the shared knowledge. As you have renewed your relationship and it includes his new partner, telling her or talking about his past might come up as your friendship develops, but don’t be the one to open it up with her. You seem positive about your new relationship with your father and want this to continue. Unless you see cause for concern don’t snitch on him, and tread lightly, as a daughter and a friend.

Cat Fights

My flatmate (one of four) has brought a cat home. We have a no pets rule and I am allergic to cats, but no one has said anything. How do I handle this without being the evil one?

Unhappy, Mt Victoria

You will be sneezing or have a rash or symptoms of reaction, and surely this is obvious? I assume you told the flatmates about the ‘no cat’ rule? Action rather depends on who has the lease or owns the flat. Does the flatmate with the cat go or do you? It needs a conversation with all four of you around the table – and the cat outside. Good luck.

All In The Family

An old family friend/acquaintance has asked me to write a character reference for him. I would rather not as I know him to be untrustworthy. My mother says just do it out of respect for the family friendship. Should I?

Anxious friend, Upper Hutt

No. Decline gracefully. You should not write it, and if you do it needs to be what you think – that is what a reference is for. Misrepresenting your opinion of the person is not showing respect, and compromises you. Shame on your mother!

A Blight On The Street

Neighbours in our street routinely call the city parking wardens for any perceived or real infractions, even when they are not at all affected or their travel impeded by the parked cars or bikes. It is unpleasant and unnecessary. How would you approach the situation?

Kylie M, Lyall Bay

A word over the fence or a cup of tea? You need to get on with your neighbours, but the problem here is that they are being busy-bodies but they are also in the right! Annoying. Clearly they have the moral high ground – smile and get on with your own lives. There are more important things to do. Be happy!

If you’ve got a burning question for Deirdre, email angel@capitalmag.co.nz with Capital Angel in the subject line.

Good sex and good relationships: can they co-exist?

BY MELODY THOMAS

On May 28, a podcast I first dreamed up years ago will finally be released. It’s called The Good Sex Project, and its mission is to figure out what good sex and good relationships look and feel like, and whether these things can co-exist in the long term. For the series, I’ve conducted around 35 interviews with couples, individuals and experts, from a pair of wholesome 27-year-old rural swingers to a 76-year-old having the best sex of her life with her “toyboy” (who’s in his 60s); and I’m now in the final stages of attempting to weave many, many hours of audio into a cohesive, engaging whole. It’s a nightmare, but it’s a nightmare I adore, and I can’t wait for people to hear it.

All this to say I’ve spent a lot of time lately talking and thinking about sex and love, and especially about the ways in which our culture and upbringing affect the choices we make in these areas.

I first learned about love from Disney. From Belle, who taught me that if you’re patient and kind and a little bit stubborn, you can transform any beast into a prince (though you might forever find the beast hotter). From Snow White and Aurora, who demonstrated that no matter what challenges you face in life (most of which will come in the form of jealous women), they can all be washed away instantly with a really hot kiss. Lady introduced me to the sex appeal of a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, Cinderella to the power of a good dress. Every single one of them, that you’ve only really made it when you’ve secured yourself a ring (well, except Lady, but she got a litter of pups which is the dog equivalent).

Even later, when the screen characters I was meant to idolise morphed from impossibly-tinywaisted princesses to a hot nanny with a perm and immaculate fashion sense and a New York sex columnist on a mission to sleep with half the men in the city... the end result, the way they wrapped up the lives of these feisty, successful, complicated women, was to marry them off. There’s your happy ending: till death do us part. What more could you want than that?

It’s no surprise, then, that I ended up married. Sometimes I wonder how many other married people enter into this union as I did: saying I do because it’s the natural next step once you’ve been together a while, and it never really occurs to you not to take it. Later, when I learned about the patriarchal roots of the institution, in which women were chattels to be sold from father to husband, and about the many ways in which modern marriage can entrench gender norms and make it much harder for a person who should leave to do so, I began to rethink things. But by this point it was too late.

Luckily for me, I adore the human I married, and I meant it when I said I wanted to grow old alongside him. But if I knew then what I do now, I’d have done things a little differently: keep the party, the vows, the kiss under a confetti cannon – but instead of signing the document (which, by the way, looks like a WINZ form), maybe press our hands into wet cement – together for as long as we can weather time’s erosion! – or prick our fingers and press the pools of blood together like Vada and Thomas J.

What I’ve learned about long term love, be it married or unmarried, from the interviews I’ve done, is that there’s no happily ever after. If you’re really lucky, there’s happy-forthe-most-part, possibly-for-decades, and even then you’re going to have to push through periods of boredom, resentment, frustration, and hurt to get there.

There’s also no such thing as the perfect partner. As sex advice columnist Dan Savage told me for The Good Sex Project, “We’re brought up on “the one” [but] there is no the one. There's a .78, if you're lucky it’s a .82, and it’s your job to round that motherf***er up to one.” In a good relationship, they’re doing the same for you: taking all your annoying, frustrating habits and choosing to look past them, towards the things they love. This isn’t a pass card for bad behaviour. In every relationship there are things we can and should work on, and ways we need to change and grow, but some things are built into our DNA. These are what Dan calls “price of admission”, or to put it more bluntly: “There is no settling down with someone, without some settling for.”

I understand this all sounds very unromantic. It’s a far cry from what we were taught to expect: a lightning bolt of clarity on meeting our soulmate, a love that feels easy and right, with someone who is your best friend, your teacher, your biggest fan and supporter, who always makes you feel good and who still wants to get naked with you decades after those first sparks ignited. But I actually adore this pragmatic reality. Because of all the people in the world that your partner might have made a go of things with, and done about as well, they chose you. And you did the same for them. In my mind, that is a truly beautiful thing.

TESSA MA’AUGA: MOVEMENTS FROM PEARL RIVERS

Fibre sculptures reflecting connections between Southern China and Aotearoa Te Manawa, Palmerston North, until 7 May

IN THE ROUND: PORTRAITS BY WOMEN SCULPTORS

Showcasing works from the 20th century to the present

NZ Portrait Gallery

Te Pūkenga Whakaata, Shed 11, Queen’s Wharf, until 14 May

CORONATION CELEBRATIONS

Artworks celebrating King Charles III’s coronation Academy Galleries, 1 Queens Wharf, until 21 May

THE COVEN ON GREY STREET

Four witches brew comedy

Circa Theatre, until 27 May

THE LONG WAVES OF OUR OCEAN Exhibition, artists’ reactions to Pacific poems

National Library, Molesworth Street, until 27 May

IRA WAHINE

Portraits by Hariata Ropata-Tangahoe

NZ Portrait Gallery

Te Pūkenga Whakaata, Shed 11, Queen’s Wharf, until 11 June

KURA POUNAMU

TŌ TĀTOU KŌ | OUR TREASURED STONE

A significant exhibition with over 200 taonga pounamu on display Pātaka, cnr Norrie and Parumoana Streets, Porirua, until 11 June

REUBEN PATERSON: THE ONLY DREAM LEFT

A trip through 30 years of creative practice.

City Gallery, Te Ngākau Civic Square, until 18 June

THE SUN SETS BENEATH THE OCEAN

Zahra Killeen-Chance and Solomon Mortimer’s Tylee Cottage work Sarjeant on the Quay, 38 Taupō Quay, Whanganui, until 30 June

SANDY ADSETT: TOI KORU

Major survey exhibition from ’60s to now Te Manawa, Palmerston North

UNHINGED: OPENING THE DOWSE COLLECTION

A visual symphony of 1,000+ items

The Dowse Art Museum, Lower Hutt

May 4

TUATARA OPEN LATE

A monthly feast of art, music, film, and talks

City Gallery, Te Ngākau Civic Square, 5–10pm

RNZB: ROMEO & JULIET

Shakespeare’s greatest love story in dance

St James Theatre, Courtenay Place, 7.30pm. Until 6 May

6

MONIEK SCHRIJER: THE JEWEL ROOM

A contemporary jewellery challenge City Gallery, Te Ngākau Civic Square

CORONATION OF KING CHARLES III

Break out the pearls and settle in with coronation quiche

10

VINTAGE & RETRO FAIR

Treats for home and self

Thistle Hall, cnr Arthur and Cuba Streets from 10am

11

KURAWAKA – REACHING INTO THE RED CLAY

Three women artists’ respond to the creation story National Library, Molesworth Street

BEETHOVEN PIANO CONCERTO #5 EMPEROR

NZSO, conductor Eduardo Strausser, with Paul Lewis piano

Michael Fowler Centre, 7.30pm

MUSICAL PUNCH OVER LUNCH

Diverse performances each Thursday Old St Paul’s, Mulgrave Street, 12.30– 1.15pm

13

HURRICANE’S v MOANA PASIFIKA Sky Stadium, 4.35pm

14

MOTHER’S DAY

A day to thank Mum for the 364 days she spoils you

18

RESENE ARCHITECTURE & DESIGN FILM FESTIVAL Films that inspire, challenge and energise until 5 June

20

PULSE v TACTIX

TSB Arena, Queen’s Wharf, 7pm

21

COFFEE CAVE CHARITY DAY

Drink and indulge in support of charity 279 Waiwhetu Road, Lower Hutt, 8am – 1pm

25

KIINGI TUHEITIA PORTRAITURE AWARD 2023

Biennial competition by Maori artists NZ Portrait Gallery Te Pūkenga Whakaata, Shed 11, Queen’s Wharf

UNITY BOOK CLUB

This month Old Babes in the Wood by Margaret Atwood

Unity Books, 57 Willis Street, 6.30 – 8pm

27

TOUGH GUY & GAL CHALLENGE

Mud, barbed wire, obstacles, swamp, tunnels, hill run Camp Wainui, 203 Coast Road, Wainuiomata, 8am – 1.30pm

28

OUR HERITAGE GARDEN – GUIDED WALK

Stretch the legs and learn something new Wellington Botanic Garden, Founder’s entrance, Glenmore Street, 11am – 12.30pm

June

2

KIA MAU FESTIVAL

Biennial contemporary Indigenous arts festival Various locations, until 17 June

3

JURASSIC WORLD by BRICKMAN

Jaw-dropping use of 6 million lego bricks Tākina, Wellington Convention Centre

TRINITY ROOTS

Award-winning funk and reggae band – not to be missed Whirinaki Whare Taonga, 836 Fergusson Drive, Upper Hutt, 8pm

5

KING’S BIRTHDAY

14

NZ OPERA: COSÌ FAN TUTTE

Quirky comedic opera with no deaths St James Theatre, Courtenay Place, 7.30pm. 16 & 18 June

16/17

WINETOPIA

Hedonists unite

TSB Arena, Queen’s Wharf, 5pm

21

THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES

Sacha Copland’s dance theatre show for lovers of the human body

Circa Theatre, 1 Taranaki Street, until 1 July

22

TARANAKI RIGHT ROYAL

CABARET FESTIVAL

Love an arts festival? A roadie opportunity Theatre Royal, TSB Showplace, New Plymouth, until 28 June

23

MATARIKI EXHIBITION

A broad selection of styles and genres Academy Galleries, 1 Queens Wharf

25

GAZLEY VOLKSWAGEN WELLINGTON MARATHON

Wellington’s premier marathon event Sky Stadium Walkway, 7am

27

BALLET WORKSHOP WITH RNZB

Barre up and give it a go

St James Theatre, Courtenay Place, 6.45 – 8.15pm

Home run

Answers will be published online at capitalmag.co.nz/ crossword

Across

2. Got milk (5, 4)

8. Melting ice (4)

11. Guests (8)

12. Cup, te reo (4)

13. Slang for the restaurant industry (5)

14. Classic bathroom design theme (8)

15. Narrow, terraced house (9)

17. Nice characteristic, pendant (5)

23. May 14, don’t forget! (7, 3)

25. Land or building, agent (4, 6)

26. Home is where the ___ is (5)

29. Giving a garden a makeover (11)

31. Landlords rarely allow these (3)

33. Architectural style, concrete and large windows (9)

34 & 18 down. Neither _____ nor _____ (5)

35. Fireplace (9)

37. Home on wheels (9)

38. Government body, looks after business (4)

39. The longer the posher (8)

Answers will be published online at capitalmag.co.nz/crossword

43. ____mates can make or break a home (4)

44. Grow these at the allotment (4)

45. Cycle, bus, walk, drive (7)

Down

1. Place of safety (5)

3. Encroach on, make _____ (6)

4. Provide necessary equipment or furniture (3, 3)

5. Apartment the size of a cupboard (6)

6. Feather, cotton or polyester (8)

7. Close female relative (6)

9. House, te reo (5)

10. Early NZ architectural style (8)

16. 1993 film, two dogs and a cat (8, 5)

18 & 34 across. Neither _____ nor _____ (4)

19. You’ll need a big deposit (8)

20. Home phone (8)

21. Transmission poles (9, 5)

22. Can’t escape them in Wellington (5)

24. Wind in the Willows character’s home, _____Hall (4)

26. Territory (7)

27. Dwelling (5)

28. Variety of plum (6)

30. A bird’s home (4)

32. Everything in its place (9)

36. Road, Close, Street (6)

40. Became popular in lockdown (3)

41. Paul Simon song, You can call me __ (2)

42. Garden (4)