Beating the Holiday Blues

by Dr. Kimberly Murray, LFT

Tis the season… season for joy, family celebrations, togetherness, and connection. When the holidays roll around, we are expected to feel positive and excited about what is to come. But what if the winter holiday season, and other holidays throughout the year, are actually marked by sadness, pain, anger, anxiety, and disappointment?

The Holiday Blues

The “holiday blues” are often unseen, unrecognized suffering that many people are going through during the holiday season, many more than we could ever expect. This feeling is of sadness or dread during holidays, rather than the joy and eagerness we might expect. The holiday blues can look different for each person, all suffering equally valid and needing support. To bring up feelings of pain and negativity at such a time is often considered taboo and downright inappropriate. This social stigma leaves many people feeling invalidated, alone, and anxious for the forced interactions and smiles that are sure to come.

So, what can lead to the holiday blues? As a therapist, I often hear this mentioned when considering the death of a loved one. It could be a parent, child, sibling, friend, pet, or other important figures in people’s lives. The holidays are a crude reminder of their absence and thus trigger a sense of sadness over excitement. Their death might also trigger a loss of family togetherness or traditions, creating an even deeper void. We might often also experience a decrease in joy around the holidays due to distant relationships, whether physically or emotionally. Perhaps our loved ones live far away, and we do not have the means to visit, or visiting simply is not an option, such as with military deployment. Maybe our family is in conflict or is simply not close anymore, leaving us longing for their presence, accompanied by intense apprehension. For some, it might be a recent divorce, leading to the absence of our children for the first time at Christmas.

For others, the holiday blues emerge with the impending feeling of financial strain that comes with obligations of holiday gifts, events, and celebrations, leaving us even more financially hindered than we were before. We may feel disappointed that we cannot give our family all they desire. Perhaps, we cannot keep up with the ‘Joneses,’ doing every little activity offered and decorating to the 9’s, leaving us feeling like failures and utterly exhausted.

Possibly, the holiday blues are just a sense that with the holidays comes a period of forfeiting all of who we are, giving up our needs and wants for the sake of others, leaving us paralyzed in discomfort and dread, feeling unheard and alone. We are often encouraged to give without expectations during the holidays, leading to the violation of personal boundaries, ignoring our wisdom and intuition, and complete personal depletion. We may feel forced to “get along” for the sake of everyone else, choking down our feelings and hurts. This disingenuous interaction sucks all joy from what used to be our favorite time of the year. Maybe we simply do not enjoy the holidays and feel intense pressure to perform and show excitement, leaving us feeling like there is something wrong with us or that we are not good enough.

For some, the thought of the holidays elicits stress as we think about how we will balance it all, including work, school, time off, travel, celebrations, financial concerns, and the list goes on. We all have different interactions with the holidays throughout our lives, some with fond memories of childhood and family celebrations, others with reminders of the pain and disappointment inevitable during the holiday season. Whatever the reason for the holiday blues, we must recognize and acknowledge that the holidays are not a time of universal joy and elation, but rather a complex reflection of our lived experiences and emotions, leading to a wide array of holiday experiences, expectations, and feelings.

Tools to Help

Despite the feeling of despair that comes with the holiday blues, there are many tools to help. Let’s start with things you can do to help your own holiday blues:

• Human connection! Spend time with loved ones, including close friends, even if through virtual means, to avoid isolation.

• Surround yourself with joy, laughter, and genuine support.

• Look at pictures and videos, even on your phone, when we cannot see our loved ones in person.

• Consider what is best for you: practice old holiday traditions to remember past good time (i.e., Christmas markets, ice skating, movies, midnight Mass, baking, time in the snow, etc.), create all-new traditions to start a new path to holiday joy, or mix it up in whichever way truly feels best for you.

• Intentionally focusing on and looking forward to what a holiday can feel like: hope, laughter, and selfless love.

• Turn to the support of Christ or your deity.

• Cry – genuinely feel, accept, and express all of your emotions, no matter if they fit within the expectations of what we “should” feel for the holidays.

• Call those we miss or listening to recordings of their voice.

• Adjust expectations and plans with an open heart and acceptance in light of the pandemic. Disappointment comes when we expect something that cannot or did not happen, so take those expectations off the table.

• Minimize plans to only those that are truly enjoyable, not those created out of obligation. “My kids won’t remember the perfect house decorations or all of the millions of activities, but they will remember my crappy, stressed-out energy.”

• Set boundaries! Only you can choose to prioritize and protect your happiness and mental health.

• Decorate the tree, set the table, connect with friends, etc., even if you cry through it all.

• Hold or observe touchstones and keepsakes.

• Philanthropy – focus on giving to others who are also struggling during the holidays.

• Intentionality with time – be intentional with setting aside time for yourself to grieve, heal, process, feel, and celebrate in whichever ways are most authentic to you.

• Create separate time to celebrate with just your little family, apart from big group celebrations.

• Protect YOUR special time. Own it and do not let it go. Do not let negativity around you ruin it.

• Maintain boundaries and intuition, despite guilt trips and pressure.

• Journal: What would my perfect holiday season look like? What are my values, and how do I live those out during the holiday season? Follow your own words and do what is best for you!

• Balance selflessness with boundaries/ selfishness.

• Practice rituals of remembrance, such as lighting a special candle for someone you love who could not celebrate with you this year.

• Engage in radical self-care – do what feels good to you every day, to the point of feeling ridiculous.

• Seek therapy.

Further Support

These tools are often a starting point for what is a journey to healing. You do not have to take this journey alone. If you have further questions about mental health, how to improve the holiday blues, or the supportive resources available to you, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I am happy to connect you with exactly what you uniquely need, even if it isn’t with me. No one deserves to live in suffering, not even for one day or one holiday season!

As a marriage and family therapist with Safe Haven Family Therapy, LLC, Dr. Murray offers support to individuals, couples, and families struggling with a wide variety of concerns, including the holiday blues. She provides this support virtually, making it convenient and easy for you and your loved ones to get the support you deserve. She can be reached at (970) 460- 8015 or at safehavenfamilytherapy@gmail.com.