12 minute read
Animal Magic
Animal Magic
By Vince Nolan
crocodile is by paying attention to whether the animal The sees you later or in a while.current Mrs Nolan and I were having our approved exercise by strolling around Cardiff Bay. It being the nearest bay to us and therefore within permissible strolling regula@ons. We sat down outdoors to have a coffee (I know, I constantly spoil that woman). This was close to Pier Head and adjacent to the now closed bars and restaurants. A quick movement in the water caught our eye and we witnessed a er going about his or her business. Never seen one in the wild before so another rst for the budding Nolan zoologists. Staying with Lutra lutra, (you look it up, I had to), I have decided to combine my interests in taxidermy and bomb-making by making you an er you can't defuse. A friend of ours is a Senior Lecturer in the School of Biosciences at Cardiff University and amongst other things, is a rep@le expert. He was telling us that the failsafe way to nguish between an alligator and a crocodile is by paying aKen@on to whether the animal sees you later or in a while. In related academic news, a college student enrolled on a course, a module of which covered ornithology. ASer one week of study, a test was held. The Senior Lecturer (see what I did there) passed out sheets of small paper and each square contained a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. Each student was asked to fy the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test geVng angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the lecture theatre and threw the test on the Lecturer’s desk. "This is the worst test I have ever taken" he said. The Lecturer looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything which will mean that you have nitely failed the test. What’s is your name?" The student pulled up his trousers to the knee revealing his legs and said, "You tell me! " In related academic news, a college student enrolled on a course, a module of which covered ornithology. After one week of study, a test was held. The Senior Lecturer (see what I did there) passed out sheets of small paper and each square contained a carefully drawn picture of a bird’s legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. Each student was asked to identify the birds from their legs. One student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the lecture theatre and threw the test on the Lecturer’s desk. “This is the worst test I have ever taken” he said. The Lecturer
The current Mrs Nolan and I were having our approved exercise by strolling around Cardiff Bay. It being the nearest bay to us and therefore within looked up and said: “Young man, you have not filled in anything which will mean that you have definitely failed the test. What is your name?” permissible strolling regulations. We sat down The student pulled up his trousers to the knee outdoors to have a coffee (I know, I constantly spoil revealing his legs and said, “You tell me! “ that woman). This was close to Pier Head and adjacent to the now closed bars and restaurants. Turning to matters human, I feel sorry for the
A quick movement in the water caught our eye and younger children in the current climate. They have we witnessed a real live otter going about his or lost their freedom, their sense of belonging and her business. Never seen one in the wild before their school chums. Oh, and they are being tutored so another first for the budding Nolan zoologists. by alcoholics in the main which must cause some
Staying with Lutra lutra, (you look it up, I had to), I familial unrest. have decided to combine my interests in taxidermy and bomb-making by making you an otter you can’t defuse. I recently had a great Zoom call with Mark Dacey (above) who is the dynamic CEO of Neath Port Talbot Group of Colleges. It does not need me to suggest the uncanny resemblance he has to actor Ricky
Mark Dacey, CEO of Neath Port Talbot Group of Colleges
conservatory is so big that we couldn’t pinpoint and we were on the ferry. it but because it sounded like our next door There was no Customs inspection in France as neighbour was messing about in his garden. A few we had already been inspected and we were off to for the first time the other day and the unique three hours later a sparrow introduced itself to us which Paris. We repeated the people smuggling exercise word location I was looking for was “You Are Lost!” must have fl own in when the patio doors were on the way back. Quite what would have happened Design fault or user error? open. Being man, the hunter, I used my instinctive if Customs had found Colonel Gaddafi stowing tracking and trapping skills and picked the little guy away on a St. Peter’s Rugby Club bus is anybody’s Talking of intolerance, I am led to believe that the up and released him back into the wild. No harm done………………..well, until next door’s cat got guess but it would certainly have caused a major diplomatic incident. term heckler originated from the textile trade, where to heckle was to tease or comb-out flax or hemp fibres. The modern meaning was coined in Dundee him. Just to be clear: Did you hear about the urologist in the early 19th century. As the hecklers toiled in Staying with hunting, if I were illegally hunting for who was eaten by a bear? He was a meteorologist the factory, one of the team would read out the days’ mushrooms, would I have questionable morels? (meaty urologist, oh please yourselves). news and the others would butt in with constant Also, what do you call a deer who has lost both The Leader of the Opposition and I were sitting in interruptions and a stream of “furious debate.” With eyes in a hunting accident? No eye deer. our socially distanced local, The Funky Furlough, this in mind I have collated some quality put-downs I have decided that when Trump dies, I will give when a lady close by to us asked the Bar Manager which comics have used to deal with modern day his eulogy. I will say: “He is today how he was as if the toilets were still upstairs. He of course hecklers: President……….wearing make-up and lying in front confi rmed that they were but I thought this to be a of us. Amen.”Ricky Tomlinson very stupid question. I would have said something “What size of shoe does your mouth take?” I was recently asked by the son of a good friend like: “I don’t know “This is what comes from drinking on an empty of mine if I would write a urology for his Dad’s I know I have written about sell-buy dates before head.” when madam was funeral. I didn’t have the heart to say eulogy but I knew what he meant. Anyway, here is what I wrote: My favourite Mike tale, (he was affectionately known as Gaddafi because of his likeness to the former Libyan leader), involved a trip last with us but we moved them out to the car park many months ago as a direct consequence of Covid19.” Perhaps but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. What is going on because it’s nothing to do with EU supply issues? Closer inspection of the packaging revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like “I know where you were when they were handing the brains out………getting an extra helping of mouth.” “Do you know, if you wore soundproof trousers no one would hear a word you’re saying.” I recently had a great Zoom call with Mark Dacey (on the leS) who is the dynamic CEO of Neath Port Talbot Group of Colleges. It does not need me to suggest the uncanny resemblance he has to actor Ricky Tomlinson or vice versa. I know I have wriKen about sell-buy dates before but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I to Paris to watch Wales play France. We this is why I do not run Tanzania and Argentina. So these comestibles “Is that your real face or are you still celebrating one day leS on the sell-buy date. It takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods “just-had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. What is going had developed a 20 year relationship with a pub. are cultivated in exotic climes, picked, packaged, Halloween?”in-@me” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels must be astronomical. on because it’s nothing to do with EU supply issues? Closer inspec@on of the packaging a French side and played them home and away on French international weekends. On A wife sent her husband a romantic taken to the port or airport, distributed around UK warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on “Your bus leaves in 10 minutes... Be under it.” Staying with food, I have been doing some research into what is no longer manufactured in the UK. The list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smar@es (Canada), revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like Tanzania and Argen@na. So these @bles are cul@vated in exo@c climes, picked, packaged, taken to the port or airport, this particular trip (Mike’s fi rst), we did it in the old-fashioned way, a bus to Dover, ferry crossing text message. She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your the shelves with one day left on the sell-buy date. It takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods “Well, it’s a night out for him.. and a night off for his family.” Colman’s English Mustard ( Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange (France) and HP (Houses of Parliament) Sauce (The Netherlands). Staggering. distributed around UK warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on the shelves with and then on to Paris. I was sitting next to him. At smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are “just-in-time” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “LiKle old lady.” “LiKle old lady who?” Dover, a uniformed Customs Offi cer came onto must be astronomical. drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me “I need you like Van Gogh needed stereo.”“I had no idea you could yodel.” our bus and said: “Just hold up your passports your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “ Staying with food, I have been doing some research I walked into our local bar, The Moaning Monet and I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does work as well as it used to guys and I will come along and count them and into what is no longer manufactured in the UK. The par I’m in the toilet, please advise.” saw Van Gogh sitting at the end on a bar stool. I @cularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when you.” Mike turned to me and said “I didn’t know we needed a passport and I haven’t got one.” I said “oh spiffi ng” or words to that effect. Then, in a scene reminiscent of a World War 2 prisoner of war Happy New Year Dear Reader, the Year of the Ox. Apparently this year is going to be lucky with the Ox representing diligence, persistence list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smarties (Canada), Colman’s English Mustard (Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange (France) and HP (Houses of Parliament) Sauce (The shouted “Hey Vince do you want a drink?” He shouted back: “No thanks, I’ve already got one ear.” She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I download a new app called What3Words. This is a naviga@on aid which divides the World into 3 metre squares and gives each square a unique combina@on of three words. I s@ll drive about a lot for business, believe it or not and I was assured that this system would be much more accurate than using our sat nav. I used it for the first @me the other day and the unique three word loca@on I was looking for was “You escape story, Mike ducked down into the footwell and honesty. Not for going to be Trump’s year Netherlands). Staggering. Adios Amigos Are Lost!” Design fault or user error? next to me and I piled his coat and mine on top of him. I told him not to move, whilst we were both Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Little old lady.” “Little old lady who?” “I had no idea then is it? Talking reduced to laughing uncontrollably. The Customs you could yodel.” of guy walked the bus, did the count, missed Mike
I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does not work as well as it used to particularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I download a new app called What3Words. This is a navigation aid which divides the World into 3 metre squares and gives each square a unique combination of three words. I still drive about a lot for business, believe it CARDIFF TIMES 11 or not and I was assured that this system would be
