Ice Dancers and the Car Wash

‘And Another Thing...’ Ice Dancers and the Car Wash

I recently pulled up at our local car wash for the weekly removal of grime from the old jalopy. There was a queue. A car was in the process of being cleansed. Behind it, a lady was waiting her turn and I was next in line. The lady appeared to be fiddling with the machine to select her programme of choice. She then commenced to reverse towards me so I advised her in the time honoured tradition not to crash into me (or words to that effect). She got out of her car and told me that the machine did not work even though the evidence of the soapy car in front of her told a different story. I drove off to find another facility but could not help but wonder how the lady knew the wash did not work since she couldn’t have used it as it was already providing suds heaven for another motorist.

Back I came and parked behind a new arrival who couldn’t crack the Enigma Code of using a bleeding car wash either. This guy kept waving his barcoded ticket at the machine like some demented Morris Dancer’s handkerchief. He was totally perplexed when nothing appeared to be happening. How he managed to miss the two metre long flashing LED signs, which were visible from space, saying “Forward,” I will never know. However, unperturbed, forward he went, straight through the wash and out the other side and away. I then drove into the machine which worked perfectly on his ticket. Marvelling at my eventual good fortune, I noticed that “Morris Man” (the guy who had just driven off) had returned and was now parked behind me, next in the queue. I had a decision to make. The devil on my one shoulder said “Drive off once you have finished because now his ticket can’t work cos you have just used it.” The angel on the other shoulder told me to explain to him what had happened and offer to pay for his wash. The angel won Dear Reader. I went back, explained how stupid he was and paid for the cheapest wash I could find for him. He is probably still there, trapped and with his sunroof open.

Whilst I was at said garage I put some fuel in and the bloke at pump 3 put £10 in. Where was he driving to? Pump 4?

A couple of times a week I pop into a local supermarket having dropped the Leader of the Opposition off at her secret place of employment. I buy a newspaper and a cup of tea and take a little while catching up with world events prior to commencing my working day. I know, living the dream. As part of this ritual, I have taken to sitting at the same table by the window overlooking the car park. Each time I have been there (no set day and no set time), a bloke, about my age, occupies an adjacent table although many others are vacant and stares at me over his laptop which I suspect is his only friend. The very millisecond that I stand up to leave he pounces and moves into my

by Vince Nolan

seat ignoring social distancing and furniture cleaning norms. This has begun to annoy me, so being a true Scorpio, I have started to mess with his mind. I sometimes stand up, make to leave then sit down again. Or I stand up and order another cup of tea just to spin out his angst. I also try to leave a bit of a mess for him to have to clean up before he can sit down. This is the same type of bloke who parks next to you in a car park when there are 1,000 other vacant spaces to park in. I have devised a solution to all this Chums, albeit a fairly radical one. The next time this happens I will leave the building, go to the car and drive it straight through the plate glass window to take him out once and for all. I may need anger management. No I don’t. What’s it got to do with you anyway? Husband: “When I get angry with you, you never fight back. How do you control yourself?” Wife: “I clean the toilet.” Husband: “How does that help?” Wife: “I use your toothbrush.” I don’t know if you have been following recent changes to the Highway Code where cyclists and pedestrians have priority on roads and

realised that our celebration coincided with the Stereophonics and Tom Jones being due you cannot now drive through a red light. at the Principality Stadium which had sold Seems to me that none of this is new and out the City hotels. The concerts were then since the Code seems to be totally optional cancelled and we found a City centre hotel for many drivers, much good may this do. for £80, hurrah! However, the fi ckle fi nger Some of you may remember the road safety of fate (presumably the middle one), then campaign of the 1970s with the strapline: intervened and cancelled the offi ce lunch “Don’t be an amber gambler.” In other words, leaving us to wander lonely as some clouds don’t drive through an amber traffic light. around the Castle and its outdoor bar facilities Time has moved on now and they should reuntil frostbite got the better of us and forced us run the campaign with something catchy like back to a hotel we did not need. Much fun, but “Red is Dead.” we quickly found out that there is a limit to how much mulled wine one can drink before falling Mindful of the Highway Code, three drunk over. blokes did not want to drive home and all fell into the back of a taxi. The driver saw that they were very inebriated so he started the engine & turned it off again a few minutes later and then said: ‘’You have reached your destination.’’ The 1st guy gave him money and the 2nd guy said ‘’Thank you!.’’ The 3rd guy slapped him. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd guy had rumbled him. ‘’What was that for?’’ asked the driver. The 3rd guy replied: “Slow down next time, you nearly killed us.’’ I was listening to the wireless the other day to an interview with the late comedy writer and performer, the great Barry Cryer. He was Recent crossword clue: “Brush under the talking about the first paid sketch he wrote for carpet 5 and 4.” The answer was “gloss over.” BBC TV. It went like this: Husband and wife Picture the poor student trying to learn English. at home. There is a knock at the door. The Student – try it in a German accent: “If I wife answers it and says “There is a bloke understand zis correctly, in ze fi rst place you here who says he fought with you in the war.” are brushing benease your carpet and zen you Hitler walks in. add shiny paint over it. You British!” Finally, the current Mrs Nolan said she had Staying with word games, I completed a word puzzle on my phone and I correctly guessed that the word they were looking for was Hadron as in the Hadron Collider. Having no clue what this was really all about I decided to look it up. I wish I hadront bovvered (see what I did there): “Any member of a class of a nasty cough. I thought that nasty cough sounded like a member of the famous Russian Olympic ice dance trio: Nasticov, Ticlycov and Chesticov, but I could be wrong. Staying with all things Russian and not making light of the current situation, Rasputin/Putin? Just saying. subatomic particles that are built from quarks До побачення! as they say in Ukraine. and thus react through the agency of the strong force. The hadrons embrace mesons, baryons and their many resonances.” Trouble is I then wanted to know what a quark was.

2022. Whilst being welcomed by most right-minded people it will of course be nothing So: “Any of a number of subatomic particles but bad news for the Cardiff under 14’s carrying a fractional electric charge, postulated Lederhosen Formation Slap Dancing Ensemble as building blocks of the hadrons. Quarks who will no longer be slapping each other as have not been directly observed but theoretical part of their routines unless they are given predictions based on their existence have special dispensation by our First Minister. been confi rmed experimentally.” Oh please! And as for mesons and baryons, we could be Saw this in a local pub on their specials board: here all night. “We Love Local and champion local farms and fisheries.” All very laudable but the first I was at the hairdressers the other day for my item on their menu was Mediterranean Olives. January scalping when the Jimmy Nail song Overheard in the same pub: “Every time we “Ain’t No Doubt - She’s Lying” came on the come here we come here.” You don’t say. wireless. Totally unscripted, we, the masked singers in the chairs and our masked stylists all started to sway and sing to the music in a scene reminiscent from The Full Monty when they all started dancing in the queue at the job centre. Fortunately all sharp implements were downed for a few short minutes and then without further comment, just like in a musical, everybody went back to their day job like nothing had happened. Lockdown has a lot to answer for but that was very funny. The Leader of The Opposition and I were listening to Michael Ball on the wireless. He was interviewing Donny Osmond who A recent WalesOnline article bizarrely claimed had been appearing in panto at the London that GPs were working 40 months an hour Palladium. Donny was speaking about a overtime. I have no doubt they are ridiculously former acting mentor of his who told him the stretched at present, but 40 months an hour? following: “Theatre is the only place where you That’s over three years an hour. The only way can dream in public. Your job as an actor is to do this would be to time travel so maybe to deliver that dream” which we thought was they were referring to Dr Who. In my world this rather good. Oh yes it is. would be like driving at 40 hours a mile which would be quite slow but not unlike trying to negotiate the recent traffic carnage in Cardiff City Centre as they impose bike lanes on the rest of us. Thanks to my cousin Lawrence for this joke. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Flop! Quickly followed by a poem what I writ: The Sainted Mother-In-Law was looking for car insurance now that her stunt driving days are Roses can be red, Violets are purple. Just saying. over. I managed to find a reasonable policy, Finally, a top bathroom tip: Never leave your sorted it out and paid for it. She in turn kindly pile ointment next to your toothpaste! reimbursed me with this immortal covering email: “Thank you, the Monet is in the bank.” I Yamas Chums of course countered this with “There was really no need to give me a priceless impressionist painting but thank you anyway.” As we have observed when people type

I say something wrong is it called a talko? Furthermore, would a typo on a headstone be a grave error? Between typos and autocorrect it’s getting harder to post stuff these days. One tiny mistake and your whole post is urined. Yard) to ensure that we had properly warmed up since we didn’t want to pull any drinking muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took The world has taken a strange twist – at least some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the the parts I seem to occupy. I have been scene, 5pm on a sunny reading about a proposal for the 2027 Rugby weekday evening at the side World Cup which will prevent any team in red entrance to the Brewery on shirts and green shirts playing each other Caroline Street where four Yard) to ensure that we had properly warmed up since we didn’t want to pull any drinking because colour blind people often struggle to distinguish between the two. Not criticising them of course but this would affect Wales, pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather muscles. Unfortunately, only six of us turned up and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the Canada, Ireland, Tonga, Russia, South Africa than illumination. An aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) and asked them whether they fancied having a and Japan. This had me in mind of that quote afternoon they would brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, they took from BBC snooker commentator Ted Lowe who famously said during one of his commentaries: “And for those of you who are watching in black never…… remember. A drunk who smelled like a some convincing that my offer was genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny and white, the pink is next to the green.” brewery got on a bus and sat weekday evening at the side Interesting lyric we heard on the wireless the other day: “Sports bra and a Maserati car.” Who would have thought of that combination? Apparently many have including a poet called Dave Cox whom I have just “discovered”. Intellectual property rules prevent me quoting any of his work here but I encourage you to look him up. A real comedy genius and hugely refreshing. and a minimum of ten were required or the visit was off. I engaged four old-timers who were in the bar (could have been the down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He entrance to the Brewery on Caroline Street where four pensioners who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather than illumination. An afternoon they would never…… remember. I have also been reading Bob Mortimer’s aforementioned ones from the Taff Vale) returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the autobiography which I also strongly recommend. Funny, poignant and very clever, but enough about me. In it he recalls a tale about having chronic flatulence as a child and asked them whether they fancied having a brewery tour and free beer for the afternoon. Fearing some kind of honey trap, man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does." A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus and sat down next to a priest. The they took some convincing that my offer was Staying with the drink, there has always been which was both embarrassing and at times drunk's shirt was stained, his genuine. Cautiously, they agreed to join us. Picture the scene, 5pm on a sunny weekday evening at the side entrance to the Brewery much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, but I am making a stand because of the lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all month. No wait, that’s not very painful. During one particular attack he went to the Doctors who managed to “release the pressure” for him. He quotes the Doctor as saying: “Better an empty house than a face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a halfempty bottle of wine sticking on Caroline Street where four pensioners it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! noisy tenant” which I thought was very good. out of his pocket. He opened Presumably this was in the days before the Doctors were working 40 months an hour. who could barely stand were seen hanging onto a lamppost, for support, rather than Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t pronounce his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" Hasta la Vista.illumination. An afternoon they would “Oh, Ok.” Looks at waiter: “Two "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and never…… remember. Merlots for me and Ammy.” contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He A drunk who smelled like a brewery got Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the on a bus and sat down next to a priest. really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other day whilst man and apologised: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that was full of bright red lipstick and he had the Pope does." a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I founded in 1759 which was exactly the time it tried to just read in the paper that the Pope does.” shift me nearer to my maker. I drank the other three Staying with the drink, there has always been much snobbery attached to wine. Indeed, people make a living from it, I have discovered that there are only 3 shops I really but I am making a stand because of the need during lockdown: Specsavers, Boots and lockdowns. I’m giving up wine, every day, all Greggs. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage month. No wait, that’s not it. I’m giving up. Wine every day all month! rolls. I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of this lockdown malarkey. We don’t have to home school Two people out on a first date. “Do you like Merlot Tammy?” “Yes, but you don’t or anything like that but when the highlight of the pronounce the “t.” “Oh, Ok.” Looks at week was taking the car for an MOT then it’s serious, waiter: “Two Merlots for me and Ammy.” particularly as we both went along for the excitement. Our friend Dr H has trained her dog Daisy to bring her a bottle of red wine. No surprise Here’s one, what about skew-whiff? A phrase we really, she’s a Bordeaux collie. I was sat often hear. Apparently, it comes from the 18th Century with She Who Must Be Obeyed the other weaving industry when something not straight was day whilst she sipped a glass of wine and she said, “I love you so much, you referred to as skew weft (from the warp and weft). Of know. I don’t know how I could ever live course, this should not be confused with the related without you.” I said, “Is that you or the wine talking?” She said, “It’s me talking to the A good friend and neighbour of ours, let’s call her Dr wine.” H, for that is her name, is walking out with Dr R who Finally, a blessing for the drink: God, in his is no stranger to TV and radio presenting. We recently goodness, sent the grapes, to cheer both walked past their front door where a note was pinned. great and small. Little fools will drink too much and great fools none at all. My round. It said: “Please leave parcel at foot of door. Live Radio Programme Being Recorded.” Not to be outdone we rushed home and I penned the following note: “Please

done………………..well, until next door’s cat got and was sentenced to death by hanging. He refused a pardon in 1833 Staying with hunting, if I were illegally hunting for from President Andrew Jackson and mushrooms, would I have questionable morels? was executed after the Supreme Court Also, what do you call a deer who has lost both ruled he could turn it down if he wanted eyes in a hunting accident? No eye deer. I have decided that when Trump dies, I will give to. No pleasing some folk. his eulogy. I will say: “He is today how he was as Continuing President……….wearing make-up and lying in front the rope theme:I was recently asked by the son of a good friend Soap on of mine if I would write a urology for his Dad’s a rope funeral. I didn’t have the heart to say eulogy Pope on a but I knew what he meant. Anyway, here is ropeMy favourite Mike tale, (he was affectionately known as Gaddafi because of his likeness I once owned one of the chewed pencils which to the former Libyan leader), involved a trip to Paris to watch Wales play France. We Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used had developed a 20 year relationship with to chew on it so much that I couldn’t tell whether it was a French side and played them home and 2B or not 2B. Staying with the Bard, in days gone by, in order to attract women, I used to use this quote from away on French international weekends. On Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82: this particular trip (Mike’s fi rst), we did it in the old-fashioned way, a bus to Dover, ferry crossing “Hello.”and then on to Paris. I was sitting next to him. At Dover, a uniformed Customs Offi cer came onto I was reading about a court case where the accused our bus and said: “Just hold up your passports was described as “having murderous intent.” I was guys and I will come along and count them and quite disappointed to learn that this had nothing to do you.” Mike turned to me and said “I didn’t know with camping.we needed a passport and I haven’t got one.” I said “oh spiffi ng” or words to that effect. Then, in a Finally, sad news, my friend David has lost his ID. scene reminiscent of a World War 2 prisoner of war Now he is just Dav.escape story, Mike ducked down into the footwell Hasta La Vista Chums next to me and I piled his coat and mine on top of him. I told him not to move, whilst we were both reduced to laughing uncontrollably. The Customs guy walked the bus, did the count, missed Mike diplomatic incident. Just to be clear: Did you hear about the urologist who was eaten by a bear? He was a meteorologist (meaty urologist, oh please yourselves). The Leader of the Opposition and I were sitting in our socially distanced local, The Funky Furlough, when a lady close by to us asked the Bar Manager if the toilets were still upstairs. He of course confi rmed that they were but I thought this to be a very stupid question. I would have said something like: “I don’t know

I know I have written about sell-buy dates before when madam was but a recent trip to my local supermarket on a Friday last with us but we revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. moved them out to the car park many What is going on because it’s nothing to do with EU months ago as a supply issues? Closer inspection of the packaging direct consequence revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like of Covid19.” Perhaps Tanzania and Argentina. So these comestibles this is why I do not run are cultivated in exotic climes, picked, packaged, a pub. taken to the port or airport, distributed around UK A wife sent her warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on husband a romantic the shelves with one day left on the sell-buy date. It text message. She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your “just-in-time” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me

Staying with food, I have been doing some research your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “ into what is no longer manufactured in the UK. The I’m in the toilet, please advise.” list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smarties (Canada), Colman’s English Happy New Year Dear Reader, the Year of the Mustard (Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange Ox. Apparently this year is going to be lucky (France) and HP (Houses of Parliament) Sauce (The with the Ox representing diligence, persistence

and honesty. Not for going to be Trump’s year

Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” then is it? “Little old lady.” “Little old lady who?” “I had no idea

I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does not work as well as it used to fibres. The modern meaning was coined in Dundee in the early 19th century. As the hecklers toiled in the factory, one of the team would read out the days’ news and the others would butt in with constant interruptions and a stream of “furious debate.” With this in mind I have collated some quality put-downs which comics have used to deal with modern day hecklers: Ricky Tomlinson “What size of shoe does your mouth take?” “This is what comes from drinking on an empty head.” “I know where you were when they were handing I recently had a great Zoom call with Mark Dacey (on the leS) who is the dynamic CEO of the brains out………getting an extra helping of Neath Port Talbot Group of Colleges. It does not need me to suggest the uncanny resemblance he has to actor Ricky Tomlinson or vice versa. mouth.” “Do you know, if you wore soundproof trousers no I know I have wriKen about sell-buy dates before but a recent trip to my local supermarket one would hear a word you’re saying.” on a Friday revealed almost no perishables that would make the following Monday. In fact I “Is that your real face or are you still celebrating one day leS on the sell-buy date. It takes an inordinate amount of skill to supply goods “just-had some doubt whether they would make it to the car for the journey home. What is going Halloween?” in-@me” with 24 hours to spare. Waste levels must be astronomical. on because it’s nothing to do with EU supply issues? Closer inspec@on of the packaging “Your bus leaves in 10 minutes... Be under it.” Staying with food, I have been doing some research into what is no longer manufactured in revealed countries of origin for fruit and veg like Tanzania and Argen@na. So these the UK. The list is endless but here is a small sample: Pringles (Belgium), Smar@es (Canada), are cul@vated in exo@c climes, picked, packaged, taken to the port or airport, “Well, it’s a night out for him.. and a night off for his Colman’s English Mustard ( Germany), Terrys Chocolate Orange (France) and HP (Houses of distributed around UK warehouses then delivered to the shops and put on the shelves with family.” Parliament) Sauce (The Netherlands). Staggering. Here’s one for you: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “LiKle old lady.” “LiKle old lady who?” “I need you like Van Gogh needed stereo.”“I had no idea you could yodel.” I walked into our local bar, The Moaning Monet and I am a man of a certain age so my tolerance threshold does work as well as it used to saw Van Gogh sitting at the end on a bar stool. I par@cularly when being asked to embrace new technology. I was therefore heartened when shouted “Hey Vince do you want a drink?” She Who Must Be Obeyed suggested I download a new app called What3Words. This is a naviga@on aid which divides the World into 3 metre squares and gives each square a unique He shouted back: “No thanks, I’ve already got one combina@on of three words. I s@ll drive about a lot for business, believe it or not and I was ear.” assured that this system would be much more accurate than using our sat nav. I used it for the first @me the other day and the unique three word loca@on I was looking for was “You Adios Amigos Are Lost!” Design fault or user error? CARDIFF TIMES 13