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The Resiliency Builder Series: Part One
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Creating Calm
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A Workbook for Men
solutions for the helping professions
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Orbis Partners Inc. 5550 Manotick Main Street, Box 520, Ottawa, ON Canada K4M 1A5 613-236-0773
The Resiliency Builder Series: Part One, Creating Calm is a workbook developed for men. All rights to this series are reserved and no part may be copied, modified, republished or distributed by electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other means without written permission from Orbis Partners Inc.
Š 2019 Orbis Partners Inc. www.orbispartners.com
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Creating Calm The Resiliency Builder Series: Part One A Workbook for Men Marilyn Van Dieten, PhD Erica King, MSW
Illustrations by Rebecca Robinson, BDes
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Workbook Design by Barb Robinson, BA
Introduction
About This Workbook
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Stress is something that we are all familiar with. During the course of any given day we may be faced with challenges that can contribute to anxiety, anger, sadness, or other difficult feelings. The good news is that each of us has a built-in stress response that is designed to help us manage stress.
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The bad news is that stress can build and leave us in a constant state of discomfort. This can prevent us from taking effective action and in some situations, make things worse. In the long term, if we are unable to lower our stress, we are more likely to experience problems with our health, our relationships, and our emotional well-being.
This workbook was designed to help you build resilience. Resilience is the capacity to bounce back and to thrive even when you are faced with overwhelming stress. We have identified six core strategies and a variety of skills that can help you to strengthen your ability to manage stress, to feel calm, and to respond more effectively to life’s challenges.
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Building resilience takes practice and dedication. If you want to benefit from this book and take charge of life’s stresses and challenges, we encourage you take the time to read and reflect on the material and to complete each of the exercises. You will then have access to a full range of strategies and skills that you can draw upon when you need them most.
This Workbook Is Here to Support You
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As you make your way through this workbook, you will begin to discover more about yourself and what works for you. In fact, you will learn about the strengths you already have and how to activate them. You will also be introduced to new information and strategies that other people have found useful. This will help you to build resilience.
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Introduction
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Roadmap to Resilience
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recognize
regulate
Noticing Stress
Finding Calm
3
reappraise
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Changing Perspectives
5
reach out
Generating Options
4
review Monitoring Successes
6
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Engaging Supports
resolve
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5
Introduction
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Navigating This Workbook to Build Your Strengths
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We hope that you can continue to discover and recognize your strengths and add to them by trying out the strategies in this workbook. Read the material, complete the exercises, and remember practice makes perfect.
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If you notice a particular strategy working well for you, continue to use it so that it becomes automatic. As you continue to build your strengths, you will feel less stress and find yourself better prepared to manage even the most challenging problems.
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Introduction
Taking a Closer Look at Each Chapter
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Roadmap to Resilience
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Each chapter focuses on expanding one set of skills. You can practice them on your own or with others to help build resilience.
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Introduction
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Each Section Contains:
• Key information, research, or science to build your knowledge and self-awareness.
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• Strategies in action that other people have used.
• An opportunity to practice using strategies in your own life.
Strategies in Action
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Three men have offered to share their stories and experiences as they moved through the material in this workbook. We hope that you find this useful as you begin to review and practice the various exercises and activities.
Hi, I’m Robert.
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I’m usually a pretty calm guy, but things are really tough right now. Over the last few weeks I have been stuck on the sidelines watching my life unravel. It’s so frustrating–I have no way of fixing things in here–no control. First, my wife stopped sending me money so I can’t even buy soap or toothpaste, then last week she told me she wants a divorce. She has all of my money, my stuff, and there is probably nothing I can do to stop her from selling everything and leaving the state. Anyone in my situation would feel angry and frustrated all the time–wouldn’t you?
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Introduction
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Hi, I’m Dante.
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I don’t think there is a day when I don’t feel edgy or stressed. Being locked up makes things worse. For as long as I can remember I have always been anxious, particularly when I am around new people. When I was a kid, a school counselor told my mom that I had a social anxiety disorder. I guess that’s a nice way of saying that I am not comfortable around people. The tough part is that I would really like to get close to people, but when I am anxious, I have a really hard time expressing myself and then I get defensive. I guess that’s why most people describe me as angry and uptight.
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Hi, I’m Raymond.
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My life has always been stressful. My mother was an addict who pretty well left my brother and I to fend for ourselves. It was so bad that we were eventually placed in foster care, which provided some short-lived relief. We were moved in and out of seven different homes before I turned 12. The social worker blamed me every time. I have a really hard time with people who tell me what to do and get in my face. I can’t tell you how many times I got into fights with my foster parents, teachers, and the kids at school. My current charge is for an assault on a guy at work. I am a walking time bomb. The pressure builds up and I strike out before I even know it’s happening.
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Chapter One
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recognize
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Roadmap to Resilience
Finding Calm
Noticing Stress
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reappraise
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Changing Perspectives
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reach out
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Engaging Supports
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regulate
resolve Generating Options
review Monitoring Successes
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Recognize
re recognize Noticing Stress
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Chapter One
To build resilience and cope with stress, we need to RECOGNIZE what activates our stress response. In this segment we will zero in on three important strategies. 1. Strategy #1: Listening to your body.
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2. Strategy #2: Knowing your stressors.
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3. Strategy #3: Rating your stress levels.
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Chapter One
My External Stressors
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Even though we can’t always control what happens to us, we can identify people and situations that trigger strong feelings and reactions.
Robert’s List:
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We asked Robert, Dante, and Raymond to create a list of their external stressors and then to pick the TOP 3. Each list was different:
• When people disappoint me. • When people disrespect me.
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• When I can’t control what is happening in my life.
Dante’s List:
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• When I meet people for the first time. • When people look at me like I am a loser. • When people act like they are afraid of me.
Raymond’s List:
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• When someone orders me to do something.
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• When people expect me to do what they want. • When people pressure me to do something I don’t want to do.
Chapter Two
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recognize
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Roadmap to Resilience
Finding Calm
Noticing Stress
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reappraise
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Changing Perspectives
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reach out
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Engaging Supports
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regulate
resolve Generating Options
review Monitoring Successes
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Regulate
regulate Finding Calm
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Chapter Two
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In this chapter, we present strategies that you can use to REGULATE yourself. We have organized them into two categories: PART ONE: Coping with Stress
• Strategy #1: Breathing Skills
• Strategy #3: Grounding Skills PART TWO: Preventing Stress • Strategy #4: Mindfulness Practice • Strategy #5: Connecting with Sleep • Strategy #6: Engaging In Physical Exercise
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• Strategy #2: Calming Statements
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Chapter Two
Reptilian Brain
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Hand Model of the Brain
Limbic System (feeling brain) Neocortex (thinking brain)
These three brain parts interact with each other during every moment of our lives and help to keep us calm.
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Dr. Dan Siegel from UCLA uses an easy hand model to explain what happens to the brain when we experience stress. He believes if you can see what is happening, you can change it. Let’s walk through this together.
STEP 1: Start by holding your hand in front of you with your palm facing you.
Your arm represents the spinal cord that comes
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in to the base of the brain. It includes the brain
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stem and other functions that comprise the Reptilian Brain. The Reptilian Brain operates all those automatic functions we don’t think about, like breathing and sweating.
Chapter Four
3. What’s my plan?
Robert created the following plan.
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• Robert asked his boss for a private meeting.
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Once you have picked the best solution it’s time to create a plan. Remember Robert’s story? He wanted to be treated more fairly by his boss.
• Before the meeting, he wrote down what he was going to say. • Robert rehearsed his speech.
• Robert practiced staying calm and rehearsed again with a co-worker he trusted.
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“Mr. Damon, I really like this job and I want to continue to work here. I wanted to talk with you because I have noticed that when I am late or when an order is not completed properly, I get reprimanded differently than the other guys. I have been working to get here on time every day and I have not been late once this month. I have also been working hard on making sure the orders are completed on time but sometimes it’s out of my control.”
“It would be really helpful to me if you would let me know what I can do differently to be a better employee. That way, I can continue to improve my skills and you won’t have to reprimand me.”
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What do you think about Robert’s plan?
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Resolve
Focus on the solution(s) that you picked earlier and create a plan. Make a note of any steps, no matter how small, that you will complete to solve your problem.
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My Plan
Step 2:
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Step 3:
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Step 1:
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Step 4:
Step 5:
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Chapter Five
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recognize
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Roadmap to Resilience
Finding Calm
Noticing Stress
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reappraise
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Changing Perspectives
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reach out
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Engaging Supports
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regulate
resolve Generating Options
review Monitoring Successes
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Reach Out
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reach out
“Choose to focus your time, energy and conversation around people who inspire you, support you and help you to grow you into your happiest, strongest, wisest self.” ―Karen Salmansohn
Problem solving can help us to resolve life’s challenges quickly and effectively. In this chapter we will focus on REACHING OUT to people and supports that make us feel good and can help make even the most difficult situations less overwhelming.
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Engaging Supports
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Chapter Five
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Chapter Five
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What Does a Support Network Look Like?
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A social network includes people or resources that support and encourage you. Your network might be made up of: • One or more close friends or family members that you can trust and rely on.
• Co-workers, neighbors, or people you meet through church or activity groups.
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• Formal supports like your doctor, a counselor or a lawyer.
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Reach Out
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The Benefits of Reaching Out
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Having a network of friends and resources to support us is one of the best ways to deal with problems and to be happy.
There are many benefits to building a healthy social network. Research says that: • People who have support report lower levels of stress than those that do not.
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• Having strong support can make you more able to cope with problems on your own, by improving your self-esteem and increasing your resolve to change.
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• Emotional support reduces risk for a variety of health problems. You are less likely to suffer from cardiovascular disease, infectious diseases and cancer if you have people who care for you.
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Chapter Six
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recognize
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Roadmap to Resilience
Finding Calm
Noticing Stress
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reappraise
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Changing Perspectives
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reach out
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Engaging Supports
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regulate
resolve Generating Options
review Monitoring Successes
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Review
review Monitoring Successes
In this chapter we encourage you to REVIEW the strategies that work for you. By practicing the strategies you find most beneficial, you are more likely to experience less stress and enjoy more calm in your life. You will also be better prepared to solve problems as they arise and connect to a healthy support network.
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Chapter Six
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Chapter Six
Resiliency Plan
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Describe the stressful event you are currently experiencing. Provide as much detail as possible.
Now consider how you will manage this situation. Review each of the six strategies below. Write in the skills you will use to manage this specific situation.
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Recognize: I can become more aware of what is contributing to my stress by:
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Regulate: I can feel calmer by:
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Reappraise: I can change my negative self-talk by:
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Review
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Resolve: I can solve this problem by:
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Reach Out: I can be supported by:
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Review: After trying this plan, I can rate it:
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I can make this plan better by:
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