Not only that, a formula that is based on football. Does that appear to be too good to be true? Well let’s take it one step further and throw into the mix a few lively nights out and here is a book you have been waiting your whole life to read. ‘If you’re thinking about getting married… wait until you read this book!’ Royal Kel, Amersham
‘If you are a single male… wherever you are, whatever you are doing, stop! Read this book… and then carry on with your life. This is the greatest investment in time you will ever make’ Mr S Dosser, Ashby-de-la-Zouch
www.yourfirsteleven.com
NEIL HINGORANI
‘I thought Einstein was clever for deriving that formula E=mc2, but you’d have to say that Hingorani has shaded it by a whisker’ Millsy, Brewtown
T H E P E R F E C T M ATC H
Have you ever wondered what life would be like if there was a formula for attracting women?
THE
PERFECT
MATCH your first eleven for attracting women
NEIL HINGORANI
£5.99
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H O N EST Y Left Back Honesty is a vastly underrated member of the First Eleven but essential for good conversation. It is refreshing for a woman to talk to a man who tells the truth and says what he thinks. It only takes a woman a few minutes to realise that she is talking to a total bullshitter and once that happens you are facing certain defeat. Don’t be frightened to tell the truth about what you do. This means that if you are a bricklayer don’t tell the woman you are a property developer. If a woman judges you for being a bricklayer then you are better off without her. This is the shortest section in the book because I am only attempting to deliver a single message. Remember: truth is a turn on: lies are a turn off.
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A P PEAR A N C E Right Back Playing Appearance at right back does not mean that you have to look like David Ginola (he of the shampoo adverts) which is good news for about 99% of blokes. It does however mean paying attention to the following: 1. Hygiene – In order to attract a woman, it is strongly advisable to avoid bad breath or body odour (especially if you are a smoker). These are instantly off putting as my wife often informs me at about 6.30am! Hygiene should not be a major obstacle to any man as much of today’s housing is fitted with bathroom, toilet and running water. 2. Posture – This essentially means how you look when you stand up. Do you lean over when you are walking, a little bit like the hunchback of Notre Dame? If you do then this is to be avoided. Standing up straight is the only way. This is the same 18
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for men who are 4 feet tall and men who are 7 feet tall. 3. Haircut – Get your hair cut into something like a reasonable shape. It can still cost less than £10 to have your hair cut and have enough left for a pint (at Wetherspoons), so money is not an excuse. Do I need to say that if you are going bald have a short haircut? You may also want to consider washing your hair occasionally. 4. Clothes – If you are like me then this has always been the most excruciating part of the whole process. The basic rule of clothes is that you don’t have to be trendy to get a woman; you just need to avoid looking like a plonker. I know this is easier said than done but if you are struggling in the clothing department get a woman to go shopping with you. Not your mum because, she is the reason that you are currently dressed like this, but maybe your sister or a friend who is gay. Both women and gay men make great shoppers. Anyway back to clothes. It sounds obvious, but wear something that you feel comfortable in. 5. Weight – If you are overweight then you may wish to consider losing some weight. So instead of drinking 6 pints of Bass when you go to the pub, just have 5 pints and then maybe a Diet Coke. Weight is an easy issue to sort out. Just stop eating food that is bad for you and start exercising. You will see the pounds drop off. 19
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I refuse to spend much time on this subject because everyone can find time to go to the gym and who knows, you might even get a game from there. 6. Good Looking/Bad Looking – One word you will be delighted to hear – irrelevant. Generally speaking if you have a big nose, like me, or your ears stick out and maybe your teeth are a bit crooked, then as a bloke you would be inclined to leave things the way they are and you would be right. This is important because unlike men who are more focussed on a woman’s looks, a man’s looks are not of similar importance to a woman. So don’t worry about flaws in your design… they’re not important! Remember that a woman makes up her mind about you in the first 10 seconds and if Appearance slips up you are already going into battle two nil down. Now just to reinforce the point, you don’t have to look fantastic, just look like a bit of effort has been put in. In fact many women are turned off by over-groomed men so you really don’t need to go mad.
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C h a pt e r T HREE
MIDFIELD
W
ith this solid back 4 in place then you have all the tools to avoid conceding an early goal and hence outright rejection. Now that you have met a woman and she is not repulsed by you, you can focus on the job of actually attracting her. This is where your midfield comes in.
RE L A X A N D B E YOURSE L F Right Centre Midfield Relax and be yourself is a key midfielder because when he is on top of his game, he controls the match with his calm demeanour. His ability to 21
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put his foot on the ball and change the way the match is played is crucial if you find yourself up against stiff opposition. One of the biggest problems you will face if you are not relaxed is over-selling yourself which is another way of saying ‘boasting’. As an ex-Champion of the Boasters, I have snatched defeat from many certain victories with boasting attacks carried out late into extra time. As I write this I cringe as I recollect those games and the shame I have brought on myself. I have only a single piece of advice on the subject of boasting. Don’t do it! If you are able to use Relax and be yourself in a match situation with a woman, it means that you will give off the aura of calmness and being in control. It also means that you will not appear anxious. Fear is a big turn off to a woman. You are now able to relax a little because you have a solid back four behind you including Attitude who is now playing much more positively. The most important point about relaxing is that when you are relaxed your true personality will come out and this is what a woman will find attractive… assuming of course that you are not a complete idiot. Anyway, one of the best ways to help you relax is not to be frightened of failure. And why should you not be frightened of failure? I will tell you. Because if you do lose then you are actually no worse off than before the match began. You have actually lost nothing.
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