OFF THE MAT
BREAK SELF DESTRUCTIVE HABITS
To create a calm, peaceful life BY CASSANDRA KISH
One of the very socially acceptable habits that has caused me to stop spending time with many others is people complaining about their partners. By keeping a positive perception of the people in our lives, we can create happy, calm, loving relationships with them. One of the things that attracts friction is complaining about the special person in our lives. Here is what I have experienced and how to resolve it. SOCIALLY-ACCEPTABLE COMPLAINTS It has become cool to complain about our partner, husband or wife. I don’t know why it is socially acceptable to complain about the person who we chose to spend the rest of our lives with, but it is. Whether we realize it or not it has a huge negative impact on our relationship with the object of our “winging”. I don’t know if this socially acceptable practice is embedded in our DNA or whether we have learned it from television shows and media, where it is powerful to see fault in others. According to the Law of Attraction, we manifest the things we talk and think about. So complaining about our partner brings about disturbances at home. Great marriages with high hopes of longevity, can crumble, as the negative story one of the partners has been telling the world, becomes a reality. I am not even speaking of physically or mentally abusive relationships here. I am speaking about good life situations where one or both partners have chosen to speak to friends and coworkers in a negative manner about their partner. How can we complain about our partner behind their back all the day, then switch to being loving when we get home? Whatever we give our attention and energy to, grows. Hard for us to see the good in our partner if we have been complaining about them all day! When I lived in Paris I used to teach yoga to three women in one of their homes. We always had a great practice, then not five minutes off the mat, one of them would start 18
arguing about how she has three kids and her husband doesn’t help, and how she has to work full time and has no help with the kids. Then the second and third would jump in with how crappy their lives were. They didn’t realize it but they were arguing to be the woman with the worst life. One day I got tired of hearing it and I said “You know what? I agree, you three women have the worst lives imaginable”. They all quickly started blurting out the wonderful things that they have. They weren’t realizing what they were “putting out there”. They didn’t realize they were trying to prove they had the worst life situation. Now keep in mind that these were three very wealthy women. A lawyer, an executive for a multinational food service company, and a well-known journalist. They have amazing houses and cars and nannies and cleaning ladies and lovely husbands. When we complain about others I think it is important to realize we are speaking about our perception of the reality, not the reality.
go and spread the tidbit of negative information to others, compromising further your relationship status. Third, List of Positive Aspects - This is an “Abraham” technique that works wonders. Write a list of positive aspects about your partner. Start small, if you are having trouble making the jump from negative to positive. For example, He/She wears great shoes. MY POSITIVE ASPECTS LIST Here is an example of a list of positive aspects. (I will use my daughter to illustrate this example, she is emerging from her teenage years and the road is still a bit rocky for us, so I need to do this anyway) 1. She is an amazing driver, I feel safe when I am in the passenger seat. 2. She is absolutely stunning. Very beautiful. 3. She keeps up with her friends, she maintains friendships and is available to them if they need her. 4. She is so funny 5. She turned me on to “Greys Anatomy” which makes me laugh and cry and feel alive
Hard to see the good, if we have been complaining all day! HOW DO WE REVERSE THIS HABIT? First, the recognition that it is just ugly. I mean facially ugly. Considering the amount we spend on beauty products and clothing I would think a graceful, happy facial demeanor would be of the highest priority. Complaining does not create an attractive facial look. Smiling and laughing and being silly and loving your life is the most attractive demeanor ever. Second, it isn’t fun for the listener and leads them to believe your partner will soon be available. Complaining about your partner to friends, gives the friends a sense of power. I don’t know why but some people love it when others fail. When speaking to people whose self-esteem is not intact, they will definitely NAMASKAR
6. She speaks French without an accent - very cool. I could go on, but I think this is enough to give you the idea. Fourth, if you need to blow off steam, go to the gym, ride your bike, walk, do yoga, anything that makes you feel better. A quick note here. “Venting” about the situation does not make it better. Talking endlessly about it, makes it bigger, it attracts more of the same. So go do anything that turns your attention… if you don’t have a hobby or project, find one. Refocus, refocus, refocus Drishti, drishti, drishti
