Resolution, schmesolution

2022 NEW YEAR’S RES-NO-LUTIONS

1 Eat what I want … especially if it contains white flour, sugar, carbs, fat, aspartame, corn syrup, anything that ends with –ate or Red Dye

No. 5. 2 Drink nothing that comes from the ground or a spring. Have you SEEN the ground? And things LIVE in springs. Ewww. 3 Watch more television, read less. Reading is for suckers.

I watched Les Miserables in, like, an hour and a half.

Took me two weeks to read it. Life is short. 4 Bungee jump….off of anything. 5 Cross country road trip… with my mother driving. 6 Laundry challenge: See how many loads of clothes

I can stack onto Mt.

Laundrymanjaro before a

“landslide” occurs and forces the laundry room door shut or we’re all forced to become nudists because there are no clean clothes in the house. 7 Kitchen challenge: See how many plastic storage containers I can shove into my upper cabinet. Turn it into a contest. Whoever opens the door and gets hit with an avalanche loses. 8 Church attendance will now only consist of “the big days” (you know, Easter,

Christmas) and/or whenever there’s food (you know,

Homecoming, funerals). 9 Spend less quality time consumed with those pesky human beings I birthed. Ugh.

They’re just so … so … so … needy. 10 Don’t even BUY floss.

Resolution, schmesolution.

Remember that episode from Seinfeld? You know, the one where George figures that every decision in his life has been WRONG so he decides from that from now on he is going to make the OPPOSITE decisions and see how things work out? Well, in that vein, I’ve been rethinking the whole New Year’s Resolution deal.

You see, for me it’s never really worked out. Ever. Oh sure, I’ve lost a few pounds in January only to gain them back by February 15. (Nothing says weight gain like post-Valentine’s Day half-priced Whitman’s Samplers—especially when you’re eating them ANGRILY— because your husband gave you a CARD for Valentine’s Day. Seriously? A CARD?! It’s the ONLY holiday where you can express your love for me, pound for pound, with dark chocolate truffles and you give me a CARD?! Whatever. Oh, hey! There’s a caramel one!)

I quit smoking once, which probably would’ve been a way bigger accomplishment had I actually been a smoker to begin with. I’ve promised to drink more water, eat healthier, swear less, exercise more organize … de-clutter … floss. So far, none of these things have panned out for more than a week or so. Except for flossing, which I do on occasion either (a) right after I eat ribs or (b) right before a dentist appointment.

Seeing as I’ve usually busted through most of these promises-to-self before New Year’s Day is done (a little hair o’ the dog to help fend off the headache from the night before, traditional New Year’s Day black-eyed peas with salt pork is HARDLY health food, does putting away Christmas decorations count as exercise? and I defy you to NOT swear while you’re squeezing them back into your already-filled-to-capacity-and-where-in-the-WORLD-did-all-this-kidcrap-come-from attic), I’m officially deciding to make resolutions that are the OPPOSITE of what I want to accomplish in the coming year.

That being said, I put together a list of my Top 10 New Year’s Res-NO-lutions List, 2015 Edition, at right.

All right, folks. That’s it! I can hardly wait to see how this goes. If it does work out, I’ll let you know how well. If not, well … I’m sure you’ll hear about that, too. In the meantime, have a wonderful Christmas and a delightful New Year. Go ahead! Get to working on those res-NO-lutions. Can’t work out any worse than last year’s. Right? €