READY to CRY a weird mag of photoetry
caro van doe summer 2017
are you there? truth is subjective but it still means something to me.
heavy, darling ne me touchez pas why does it bother you? why do you hate it? my fingers hurt
this is about gender failure friendship fluctuation growing up mental states the future society wondering kissing hell-on-earth fashion medication people feelings toppling the bourgeoisie softness openness truth you me
M
y mommy asked me what I wanted my email address to be one night. Daddy was making them at the computer. I was in bed, not too late to go to sleep, reading something of fiction. The first words that come to mind are of something I love, so I chose “fairylover@adelphia.net.” Both my parents said I had to pick something else besides “fairy” because it could mean something else, some adult word, something that wasn’t quite explained, something with old men maybe, something that an eight-year-old wasn’t allowed to know about. “Okay,” I moaned after a few moments. I went with “greentreefrog7” instead.
the future is genderless
At christian summer camp, we weren’t supposed to flirt with “the opposite sex.” If we were caught, the counselours would yell, “no purpling!” As in mixing pink and blue together, our “two genders.”
words on where i am right now in regards to my identity contrary to what i’ve been told i am
surprise, or not really, in second grade i ran with the boys. i read more books than them because i could, i was better than them, i had to prove it. i wasn’t one of them. the girls were my friends, my allies, but i wasn’t one of them, i didn’t represent them. i was someone else, something else.
in many ways i feel like i’m still trying to prove myself. am i gay enough am i queer enough. nobody knows who i am. i am invisible when they talk about me and others like me.
i have gone through a lot of phases. often times coming back to them because i feel insecure and incomplete again. i’ve dressed in baggier clothes, more subdued options, maybe i’ll look more gay, i thought. i’ve had it set in my mind i’m only dating girls because then it will be obvious, it will be set. i will know who i am because i have someone else there to validate my sexuality, who i am. right? distincly, in middle school i wrote in my diary, i can’t be a lesbian, i like boys. along with various crushes on whomever. highschool i came out to a couple of my friends. the only person i dated everyone thought was gay. it’s funny to think about now. i don’t know where they are now, but i’m pretty gay, in every general way
of course that wasn’t the case. far from it. i identified hard with the new wave of teen feminism rising from the internet. high femme. flamboyant. dramatic. there still felt a missing truth, but i accepted it and pushed onwards, this was the most accepted i had ever felt. that belonging. suddenly, i’m reading more, a few people i meet are of indeterminate gender. i’ve been considering it a bit, but now it seems more real, real because it exists. ironically, i am taking a gender theory course, pushing me even further along in my realization. histories in my head of events that stuck out but i couldn’t interpret became a part of my thesis. can you believe it? i am requested to be referred to as caro. less people mess up my name. it’s ingrained. i am who i am, content and inderminate. fluctuating. not your gender.
they/them chey/chem/cher ille/ol/???
enjoy the silence Don’t let this be just a trend//I won’t let this be just a trend //Your youth culture doesn’t fade//Putting youth in front of the culture fetishizes age//all ages //Don’t burn out//don’t let it, them burn you out //Listening, learning, experimentation--do I sound like an adult? //What you’re comfortable with, what you’re trying to be, want to be, are //Depressed by fashion being reduced to a manifestation of money //A future void of suffering due to societal constructs is a future i want
Please let me live a little more than this!
I am school nights I am weekends I am your second kiss I am lying to your parents about where you have been I am someone touching you underneath your shirt I am your sunday night existential crisis I am dying to meet you I am the calm and the fear I am vague but I am specific I am you I am me I am unsure/I am sure
I
t was a ceramic Noah’s Ark analog clock. Precious Moments. I bent the second hand off and twisted the hours until it fell clean off the wall and stopped.
thank you for modeling for me, listening to me on the phone when i was actually crying, making dinner with me, and being silly and imaginative. this playlist is for you. Naomi Bradley avant garde prairie mother Dana Werbin dan dan the sunshine man Julia Doering hold me closer, tony danza Kierra Boyd renowned dutch artist, joos Andrew Landreville david lunch Sebastian Elejalde mij o Nadia Wolff philosophic cloud boy Drexston Redway art mom
stayin' alive say lou lou half-ladies christine and the queens down i5 case/lang/veirs how deep it goes heart lgbt lowell hold me haim like acid rain unknown mortal orchestra i'm coming out diana ross caroline fleetwood mac i'm waiting for the man the velvet underground super trouper abba ima read zebra katz
you are here