[ everything i could’nt say ] gretchen kinnamon
“I’m definitely worse at expressing myself than other people are. But, even so, the truth is... The truth is I’ve always... Just, wanted someone to completely understand how hard and painful it is... Wanting to scream and cry but not being able to express it. But even understanding a little is okay.” -Mafuyu Sato
In Dedication To: My amazing parents,my mysterious brother, and my friends who have always stand by me.
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[ as the bomb drops] As I wake To the soft light of snow I feel a presence behind me One with power and husk I turn over in my white sheets To see a mess of brown locks His eyes and mine meet gracefully He pulls up the sheets So my shoulders don’t cap with snow I find a place in his collar And breathe in his morning musk He trails his arms right down my back caressing my pink dusted pale skin I look up and kiss him softly This is the best place I’ve ever been As I bring my ear to his chest His pulse has been lost Where is the heartbeat? The one I love most. I look up at him Feeling his touch start to fade With tears down my face I hold tighter I can’t take another leaving Please don’t leave me in this state
My heart beats slow and my ears ring. he’s gone
[ i know how it ends ] It happens every time. I take a moment away from it all, and it consumes me. Memories consume my mind like a shark in murky water. It’s always something barely even noteworthy, but it starts a spiral into the undertow of numbness. What could I have done better? Why did I become so attached? Why does it hurt so much if i could see it coming? Why do people always leave?
Could anyone ever love me like my mom does? Why do I think so negatively? Why can’t I just be stronger? Why don’t I try harder? Why do I feel like this? I thought I was better than this. I have nothing to be sad about. There are many people who have it worse. But then again so many are so lucky.
[ ⚫⚫⚫⚫ ] The heart is like a bass string You can play it low Punchy and nonchalant or You can play it with charm Smooth and harmonious But If you keep tightening the strings Never treating it with grace Not being satisfied letting it naturally sing
Why can’t I keep love
Am I only good for my body? My body is ugly anyway. Maybe that’s why. why my “friends” don’t even talk to me. If i didn’t try they wouldn’t even notice. They have other friends worth their time. I’m not worth it.
Eventually it will
SNAP
what is this feeling? is this . . . what its like
to feel
nothing.
[ ⚫⚫⚫⚪ ]
Different hands Different hearts Different clothes Different lips Different eyes Different people Different places Different ideas Different faces it seems it will always be the same flashbacks same emptiness
[ night terrors ] Full moons made of silver
he said he’ll be gentle
his talons hold me from behind.
but couldn’t face my way.
he drags his teeth down my neck. he insists we give it a try.
Ripping. Burning.
He growls. “not ready.”
Pulling. Churning.
He snarled.
“ Not yet”
im torn apart.
He says don’t be boring my dear. “You love me! you won’t have regrets”
this nightmare wakes me up a new stranger lays by my side
i know you want to do it you know your fate if you don’t. He asks me. to live i think i have to. “Sure.” GOD HELP ME Please “don’t”
he is why i cut all my strings maybe someday ill find someone to give me new ones
[ 7250m .45 - .105 ] i dont know
[ new strings ]
exactly how long its been years many years have come and gone without a chord to be heard i think its time
The heart is like a bass string you can cut it bend it or even just let them sit on the shelf collecting dust over the years but once you learn exactly what you want to say you find those strings
to finally
long to be fixed they yurn
replace
to be played now what do i wanna say?
MY strings
[ SONG 1 ] ive been staring at my screen for like damn idk two weeks i have no ideas but i know what i feel its almost like i cant get it out into wor-
[ Song 1
i]
gasum a n a H / e z a H / Flower
¹Like a haze inter sky w ly il h c e h t n Settles o y life m m o r f y a w a I feel you fall anted w u o y t a h w is Is th Falling in heart r u o y f o h t m r The wa I gave in ing again p e e s in a p e h t I didn’t notice less Feeling so help ou get it y l il w , it y a s ²If I again will you see me l you hear it wil If I scream it is be the end t th Please don’t le ³Tell me again and t s I o d e r e h W ing down t a o fl ls a t e p e in all thes morrow o t f o y r o t s e h Where t t Just wasn’t los d It wasn’t foun myself tell And I know I er snow t in w e h t s a o g as me cold h s I have to let s e n b m u n of this g n li e e f e h t t u B
ing ¹And I’m freez endless winter the Torn between or the spring bring y a m it g in n in eg Another new b to face it nt But I don’t wa hide t a h t In the sun s r a c s e to see th s m e e s y d o b o N y eyes m f o e c a f r u s e h Right behind t n’t notice u do Just tell me yo u get it o y l il w it y a s ²If I again e m r a e h u o y will u hear it o y l il w it m a e If I scr d Is this the en ³Tell me again and Where do I st floating down als in all these pet f tomorrow ry o Where the sto t Just wasn’t los d It wasn’t foun myself tell And I know I stone n a h t o r g e u ld o o y c t e I must le ss has m e n b m u n is h t of But the feeling hh
hh
h h h h a a h h h h h h ah ahhhhh
⁴Ahhhhh al?) (Instrument
fly by ²As the petals s me behind ave And your life le now Ik I know I know I know I know I had to let go e again m ll e t n a c u o ³Y I stand I know where t go le As these petals gain ee a And I’m set fr elf mys ld o t I w o n k I o I couldn’t let g ill keeps on beating st But this heart g in the snow zin even after free ~ Ahhhh ahhh ⁵If I say it r it Would you hea If I leave it it Would you feel If I say it r it Would you hea If I leave it it Would you feel If I say it l it Would your fee ⁶If I say it it Maybe I’ll feel
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[ e v e r y t h i n g i N EE DE D t o s a y ]
©Gretchen Kinnamon est. 2021