CATHFAMILY OCTOBER 2016 - EMBRACE by CathFamily

{EMBRACE}

OCTOBER 2016

The conversation on the divorced and remarried in our Church family

From the Editor Marilyn Rodrigues

Embrace Marriages are central to the life of the Church, our culture and society. They are vital to our future. St Pope John Paul II said, “Humanity passes by way of the family” and as we know, marriage is the basis of family. The Church is deeply invested in the marriages of Catholics and when their marriages break down, the Church is affected and must respond. The pastoral response of the Church to the divorce and remarriage of Catholics is under intense scrutiny at the moment, hence the focus of this months’ issue.

GET THE LATEST NEWS FOLLOW US ON TWITTER!

HAVE AN OPINION? FIND US ON FACEBOOK LIKE & SHARE!

STAY UPDATED AND INSPIRED FOLLOW US ON PINTEREST!

Contents AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION...... 5 MARILYN RODRIGUES THE CATHOLIC HOSPITAL.................. 11 Dr GREG POPCAK MYTH-BUSTING: ANNULMENT AND DIVORCE.............. 19 LISA DUFFY

MY ANNULMENT JOURNEY................. 29 ANONYMOUS WAITING FOR AN ANNULMENT......... 33 ROSE SWEET

SEASONAL NOTES.............................. 39 ALL HALLOW'S EVE, ALL SAINTS DAY: ACTIVITIES, RECIPE AND CRAFT

Embrace | 3

An important conversation Marilyn Rodrigues

Jesus Christ is Emmanuel, ‘God with us’. And as the body of Christ the Church also needs to remain with, embrace and guide people in the different situations and circumstances of their lives, including situations which have tended to place them on the margins of the worshipping community. And especially when their choices have complicated their lives with the harmful consequences of sin. This has always been the Church’s way, as clearly expressed by the most recent three popes.

In recent years, media attention on the Church has focussed on certain issues, which, while they are important and need to be addressed, often the fuller truth about the Churchâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mission and purpose in the world is lost amid the vagaries of the news cycle, selective quoting, and misleading sound bites taken out of context.

Embrace | 5

One of these is the Church’s pastoral response to divorce and remarriage. Causing controversy at the moment is the specific question of whether Church teaching on the reception of Holy Communion by a person whose marriage is not formally recognised by the Church is being changed, or should be changed, and how the Church’s teaching should be applied. In Amoris Laetitia Pope Francis addressed this issue by affirming the Church’s teaching on marriage, while also acknowledging complex

situations where no one can be “pigeonholed or fit into overly rigid classifications leaving no room for personal and pastoral discernment” (AL 298). He has taken action to make the annulment process less burdensome, which would free a divorced person to potentially remarry (technically, their first sacramentally valid marriage) in the Church.

In a recent article on Patheos.com writer Deacon Jim Russell argues that what Pope Francis wants is...

“what Pope John Paul II asked us to do 35 years ago—accompany and integrate the divorced and remarried into parish life—regardless of whether they 1) are pursuing an annulment or 2) are in a position to worthily receive Communion”. He notes that many couples are not spiritually ready to pursue either of these options and that Church needs to find new ways of engaging these couples in the life of the Church. “It’s not enough to cite the ‘rules’ to a couple—hey, you need an annulment, or you need to stop having sex if you want Communion. Why? Because many such couples have not sufficiently come to conversion to actually, in conscience, desire to seek an annulment or to commit to perfect continence so they may receive Communion.”

Some Catholics are concerned that Amoris Laetitia ignores a need for clarity which is essential to avoid confusion about what the Church teaches and thus avoid leading people into sin (or deeper sin) and subsequently further damaging their lives and others’

Embrace | 7

They fear that by not further emphasising the doctrine on marriage and reiterating the Church’s traditional pastoral approach the document will mislead people and do them further spiritual harm. Others welcome a greater commitment by the Church on focus on looking at ways to welcome and draw Catholics in so-called ‘irregular’ situations more fully into relationship with Christ and the life of the worshipping community, as Pope Francis and other bishops are urging. The Church continues to recommend the annulment process for people whose marriages in the Church have resulted in a civil divorce. But not every Catholic who is divorced will go through the process, or have an annulment granted.

Whatever our marital situation, we all remain valuable members of the worshipping community and require pastoral care suited to our specific needs so as to grow in relationship with Jesus and his Church.

This is a sometimes painful conversation in the Church between people of good will, and an important one as it’s contributing to shaping the future direction of the Church that our children are growing up in. It also touches on the experience that many of us or our loved ones have lived, or are currently living.

About the author Marilyn is the editor of CathFamily, a regular columnist for The Catholic Weekly, and blogs at marilynrodrigues.com

Embrace | 9

THE CATHOLIC HOSPITAL By Dr Gregory Popcak Why do so many people feel excluded by the Church– especially those who are divorced and remarried–and what can we do about it?

Missing the Mission It appears to me that a lot of the anger and pain experienced by people is caused by confusion about what Church is and what it’s meant to do. In order to appropriately address people’s hurt I think we, as Church, need to do a better job of communicating our mission. What does that mean?

The Church as Hospital Pope Francis has noted that the Church is a hospital. That sounds very affirming and it is. But what people forget is that you only need to go to the hospital if you’re sick. At the point when you think you’re healthy, you either don’t need the hospital or you have to leave it. The problem–in our metaphor of Church as hospital–is that, these days, a lot of people come to the hospital because they think it is a nice building with a lot of interesting equipment in it and they want to explore the various rooms. Eventually, they bump into a doctor. Mistaking them for a patient, he asks what’s wrong with them. They become offended and exclaim, “How dare you say there is something wrong with me!” The doctor stares at the erstwhile patient and, in all innocence, says, “Well then, if you aren’t sick, then what are you doing here? You’re not just trespassing are you?” And the person screams, “How dare you try to exclude me!” Embrace | 11

What’s Your Diagnosis? The Church is far from perfect, but too often people who assert that they are alienated from the Church feel that way primarily because the Church necessarily insists that to be a member you have to be willing to admit that you (1) are spiritually sick, (2) that you need a diagnosis (i.e., sinner”), and (3) that you are willing to participate in the treatment. If you aren’t willing to do those things, you really have no business taking beds and food away from the patients who are lining up in the hall waiting to be admitted. It isn’t that people’s anger at the Church isn’t real and doesn’t deserve to be respected, but that doesn’t change the fact that the Church is really only for people who are willing to see it as the place where they get diagnosed and treated for the spiritual diseases that are preventing them from receiving the gift of eternal life.

Marriage: Here’s Your Sign... It is a profoundly sad and painful reality that Catholics who have remarried after divorce feel excluded from the Church. But to understand why these couples are not admitted to communion, you need to understand that the Church thinks of marriage differently than the world does. While the Church certainly values the earthly benefits of marriage, it primarily values marriage because of what it points toward. Sacramental marriage is meant to be an icon to the world; a physical sign of the kind of unconditional, committed love God wants to share with each of us (Eph 5:31-32). The fact that God wants this kind of relationship with us is hard to get our heads around. We need some kind of experience– some physical sign– that shows us this sort of love is even possible. This is where marriage comes in.

Embrace | 13

A Broken Sign When the Church says that there is something wrong with remarriage after divorce (without the benefit of an annulment) it isn’t saying that the couple can’t somehow manage to be happy together or that there is anything (necessarily) wrong with that couple’s relationship from a worldly point of view. It is, however, saying that that the couples’ ‘sign’ is broken. They cannot adequately represent to the world the faithful love that Bridegroom Christ has for his Bride, the Church. That really isn’t a judgment against the couple. It is a spiritual diagnosis. The Church is eager to do whatever is possible to facilitate that healing and so she welcomes the divorced and remarried person just like she welcomes any other patient to the hospital, not with judgment, but with a diagnosis and a treatment plan.

Embrace | 15

A Painful Course of Treatment Because it cuts right through the heart of the primary image God uses to reveal his love for the Church, remarriage after divorce (without the benefit of an annulment) is a particularly serious spiritual disorder. Currently, there are only two treatment options; either the couple can embrace the penance of living as brother and sister unless or until they can receive a declaration of nullity for the original and still valid marriage, or the couple can embrace the penance of being that broken sign and refrain from communion. These are painful treatments, but as any cancer patient can tell you, treatments for serious illnesses are often quite painful. Again, the treatment is not a judgment on the couple. It is a recognition of the seriousness of the spiritual disorder.

CathFamily ÂŠ 2016

Asking Important Questions Frankly, the Church has done a horrible job communicating these truths and this is one thing the Church is attempting to address. One important question the Pope and bishops are asking is, “Is there a way that we can continue to do our job of diagnosing and providing treatment for spiritual disorders–such as remarriage after divorce–without making people feel judged by our diagnoses?” Another question is, “Are there treatments for this disorder (of remarriage after divorce) that could work as well but be less painful?” These are important but challenging questions, and there aren’t any easy answers to either of them. But one thing the Church cannot do is say that a spiritual sickness is actually a sign of health, and a broken sign is, actually, not broken.

About the author Dr Gregory Popcak is a therapist, radio host and author of many books. The director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, he and his staff provide Catholic counselling by telephone to clients around the world. He is a devoted husband to Lisa and father of three.

Read more from Dr Popcak Visit the Institute

Embrace | 17

Myth-busting: annulment and divorce By Lisa Duffy

Back in 1997, and after about two years of waiting, I received a decree of nullity, which is more commonly known as an ‘annulment’. This was not a ‘jump for joy’ moment for me because I never wanted to divorce in the first place. Despite all the betrayal and pain that had occurred, I would have stayed married and would have worked to improve my relationship with my spouse. But even so, there was a sense of relief that came with receiving this decree; a soothing, healing feeling that signalled the end of the worst period of my life. CathFamily © 2016

Thanks to the annulment process, I had the closure I needed and I had a firm direction to head in, so I could now move forward as a whole person. These benefits of the annulment process are difficult to impress upon sceptics at times, but they’re important to bring to light because of the many misunderstandings that surround the annulment process these days.

Embrace | 19

Catholics Who Get Divorced Are Ex-Communicated Anyone whose marriage is civilly ended by a state-issued divorce decree is in no way excommunicated. If you are a spouse who deliberately broke up your marriage and abandoned your family to pursue another relationship, then you really need to talk to a priest because that is considered a grave sin. But it’s not an ex-communicable offense. Abandoned spouses, especially, need to know that being civilly divorced does not make you a ‘bad Catholic’. You are welcome and encouraged to attend Mass and parish events and remain an important part of the parish community.

Divorced Catholics Cannot Receive The Sacraments Until They Receive An Annulment If you are civilly divorced without an annulment, but you are in a state of grace, you are welcome and encouraged to attend Mass and other parish functions and receive the Sacraments of Reconciliation and Eucharist as often as you can. What prohibits a divorced Catholic, or anyone for that matter, from receiving the Eucharist is not being in a state of grace due to grave sin. Anyone â&#x20AC;&#x201C; married, never-married, widowed, divorced, religious â&#x20AC;&#x201C; who is not in the state of grace due to grave sin is required to abstain from receiving Holy Communion (Catechism of the Catholic Church #1385).

Embrace | 21

Receiving a Decree of Nullity Means Your Marriage Never Existed A decree of nullity simply states you and your spouse at the time did not have a sacramental/ valid bond. ‘Invalid’ does not infer you didn’t have a marriage relationship, because of course, you did. You lived in a house as husband and wife, had children, pets, and shared belongings. The question of validity refers to the spiritual/sacramental bond of marriage (a marriage is sacramental when both spouses are baptised Christians). Was there an unbreakable covenant between God and the spouses that cannot be dissolved by anything other than death? This unbreakable covenant or bond is what may never have existed.

The Annulment Process Renders Children Illegitimate Any marriage that was presumed to be valid, but later determined to be invalid through the annulment process, is a â&#x20AC;&#x153;putativeâ&#x20AC;? marriage. The Church clearly states that children of a putative marriage are legitimate (Canon 1137). This myth can be very damaging to a child who is already emotionally disturbed by the divorce of his or her parents and in no way reflects the teachings of the Church. Children are always a blessing and a gift from God.

Embrace | 23

The Annulment Process Is Expensive

In 2015 Pope Francis asked all dioceses to make their annulment processes available to petitioners at no cost, or with as little financial obligation as possible. Since then, many dioceses have eliminated the cost completely.

CathFamily ÂŠ 2016

The Annulment Process Is Just A Catholic Divorce

Going through the annulment process does not guarantee a right to remarry. Its sole purpose is to determine if there was a valid bond. Some people receive a decree of nullity, some do not. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a rather risky thing to wed or make plans to wed before the culmination of the annulment process because there is no guarantee a decree of nullity will be granted, but also because the healing nature of the process helps the divorced person heal from the past, which is critical to do before jumping into a new relationship.

Embrace | 25

If You Don’t Know How To Find Your Ex-Spouse Or If He/She Chooses Not To Participate, The Process Will Not Proceed

The tribunal will ask you to go to reasonable lengths to locate him or her so he or she can be notified of the proceedings. However, if you are unable to reach your ex-spouse, or if your ex-spouse has been contacted by the tribunal and refuses to participate, your case will still be heard. It’s important to give an ex-spouse the opportunity to tell his/her side of the story so the canon lawyers deciding the case can have as much testimony as possible and make a well-informed decision.

About the author Lisa Duffy writes a popular blog, A Million Unheard Souls, at patheos.com for people in need of relationship advice or healing from divorce. She contributes to many other print and online Catholic publications, coaches individuals and groups, and holds conferences and online events. She lives in South Carolina with her husband and three children.

For information on the upcoming Journey of Hope conference for divorce recovery hosted by Lisa in Atlanta CLICK HERE

CathFamily

Extra Thoughts Why get an annulment? The Church considers marriage as binding for life, and does not recognise a civil divorce as dissolving a sacramental marriage. When the Church grants an annulment it is saying that something essential for a sacramental, binding marriage, was not there at the start and was never there throughout the marriage. An annulment is not saying that anyone did anything wrong, individually or together, but that something important was missing.

civilly-recognised marriage is made a sacramental bond as well. For those who were previously married, they will require the granting of an annulment before they are able to have their second marriage convalidated. Other couples who qualify for a convalidation of their marriage include Catholics who married outside the Church, such as at a park or resort.

What if I am denied an annulment? You still belong to your parish community and are valued and needed! Like all Catholics, you are called to keep in touch with people who are faith-filled, keep praying, keep learning about your faith and growing in faith. Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a convalidation ceremony? This is a formal blessing of a coupleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s marriage in the Church so that their Embrace | 27

Insiderâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s View

My Annulment Journey The journey towards the annulment of my first marriage and full reconciliation with the Church began in early 2012. However, I had been struggling with the psychological, physical and mental stresses of a failed marriage since 2007. The end of the civil proceedings in 2011 allowed me to proceed with the petition for annulment in the Catholic Church. Having just gone through a slow, painful and expensive civil divorce involving lawyers, sadness, anger and much negativity, I did not wish to have to live through the whole experience all over again. In addition, I knew little about what would be involved in the process.

CathFamily ÂŠ 2016

In the meantime, I had also met my current wife, and it was far more tempting to continue our lives in a modern secular model. By comparison, the Catholic Churchâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s firm stance against divorce and continued honouring of the marriage sacrament seemed archaic and wholly unfair. I was also made aware that I could not receive Holy Communion due to my new relationship, and this only increased my feeling of alienation from the Church. Fortunately, I was repeatedly encouraged to make enquiries about the annulment process by family members and past mentors.

My new partner also started to attend RCIA sessions and I too began to feel a strong urge to reconcile fully with the Church. My advocate, Fr Adrian, was always sensitive and kind. During our meetings, he explained the implications, steps and procedures that would follow the application for annulment. The Tribunal members were very adept at probing for answers in an unobtrusive and sensitive manner.

The total cost of the annulment was non-prohibitive and at no point did I feel as pressured, stressed or strungout as in the civil proceedings. More importantly, I did not have to meet or deal with my ex-wife although she was called to participate in the process.

The entire process was less intimidating and painful than I had feared.

Embrace | 29

The most challenging aspect of the annulment process had to be the writing of the pre-statement for the official petition. There was much soul-searching, recollecting and raking up of past events: the flaws, mistakes, plastered-over cracks, blind spots, and most importantly, realisation of my errors and expectations. It was absolutely humbling.

This introspection helped to deepen my understanding of marriage. This helped me to identify and correct the critical mistakes made before, and to see what is truly essential in a successful marriage. Taking that big leap in seeking the guidance of the tribunal has been one of the most important steps in the journey towards healing.

The feelings of closure, release and inner peace since receiving my annulment has been something that I cannot explain well with words alone. It has given me a sense of completion and wholeness. In a way, I felt almost like the prodigal son being welcomed back to the fold.

CathFamily ÂŠ 2016

Being given this opportunity to return to full communion with the Church and to live life to the fullest again is an experience worth more than its weight in gold.

This is an excerpt from 'CATHOLIC SUPPORT FOR THE DIVORCED' published by Singapore's Catholic News. Reprinted in FRANKLY with permission.

Read the whole article

Embrace | 31

Waiting for an annulment By Rose Sweet

When I met my husband, Bob, we had to wait for his Catholic Church annulment to go through before we could even consider or plan a marriage. We went a year or so spending time as â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;brother and sisterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. We could have moved in like so many do and started living as husband and wife but that would have been a lie.

CathFamily ÂŠ 2016

We discussed, argued, and finally agreed that we wanted something different than what the culture (and even some in the Church) told us we could do: we wanted to reserve sex for the true expression of a complete and total self-giving.

In studying St John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility we understood that it would be a lie to act out a full self-giving with our bodies before it had been exchanged in every other area of our lives. We also knew that masturbation wasn’t an easy replacement; that, too, was a practice in self-centeredness (not self-giving) that can never foster authentic love. We agreed to take the high road but wondered, would it be difficult to do?

He and I were in our fifties when we met again. Both of us had enjoyed sex most of our adult lives but also had gone through many long periods, inside and outside our previous marriages, where we did not have sex. In talking about it, we realised that everyone spends most of his or her life mostly not having sex. We go to school and work. We do chores and immerse ourselves in projects. We have fun. We enjoy each other’s company. We listen, learn, and love. We argue, cry, apologise, and forgive. We find meaning, have purpose, and discover joy. All without sex.

Embrace | 33

If Bob and I had focused on what we were not doing—instead of all the love that was growing in other areas—we would have been like entitled teenagers demanding our natural rights. Oh, yeah. It was difficult at times, but we kept the higher goal in mind.

We learned we could really trust each other. Our mutual respect grew as well. Neither was using sex as a way to manipulate or keep the other one around. Neither was being selfish or demanding. Both of us were ready to have more out of life than what we’d settled for in the past. Real love that never brings any doubt, shame, fear, worry, or harm to the other was growing. Love was outshining lust. We were expressing our love in many other ways and did not need to demand or expect sex.

God’s ways—given to us by his Bride the Church—are for our flourishing and those who follow them with open hearts and minds can attest to this truth. Our wedding night was so tender and special. The honeymoon was amazing in every way. Sounds sappy, but I have tears in my eyes recalling it. We did it. We went higher. And it was worth every difficult moment.

Read the whole article

About the author Rose Sweet is an author, conference speaker, and regular guest on Catholic radio and EWTN. She’s authored ten books on relationship issues that include being single, dating & courtship, marriage and parenting, divorce and annulments. Her work is deeply rooted in St. John Paul II’s 'Theology of the Body' and she has been a speaker at the annual TOB Congress and in 2015 at the World Meeting of Families. This is an excerpt of Rose's article, reprinted with permission. The Catholic’s Divorce Survival Guide, written and co-produced by Lisa, is a DVD series is designed as a 12-week parish program to facilitate healing. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

Embrace | 35

FOR MORE ON THIS TOPIC SEE OUR SPECIAL CATHFAMILY ISSUE AMOR – AVAILABLE IN PRINT OR ONLINE.

Amor

The Joy of Love

A special print edition featuring Pope Francis' exhortation on Love in the Family - Amoris Laetitia. It contains key excerpts from the document, stories from real people, and commentary.

The new FRANKLY is here

Last year FRANKLY, our lifestyle bookazine, was launched to great acclaim and we have a brand new FRANKLY for you to enjoy! FRANKLY is sold in bulk to parishes and schools and other groups and agencies. Limited stock remains of our 2015 edition. Order Now! Embrace | 37

Seasonal Notes

Embrace | 39

Activities, Recipes, Prayers RECIPE

Soul Cakes Learn about and make these traditional All Hallows or All Souls cakes with a chocolatey twist!

ACTIVITY

The Saintly Trifecta and Watermelon Jack-o’-Lanterns At the end of October begins three days of saintly celebrations. Here are some tips to make the most of them.

IDEA

Light it up! Ditch the ghoulish costumes and greedy demands for sweets on October 31, grab some glow sticks and celebrate All Hallows’ Eve as a ‘Night of Light’ rather than one of mischief and darkness. Read on for more ideas.

PRAYER

Mini Litany of Saints Use this shortened version of the Litany of Saints for All Saints Day. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a great introduction for families to this beautiful and ancient prayer

CRAFT

Night of Light Scripture Cards Print and cut out these little scripture cards and hand them out to trick-or-treaters with a snack or glowstick.

For more ideas and inspiration visit www.CathFamily.org Embrace | 41

OCTOBER 2016

Hope you enjoyed CathFamily! For more ideas and inspiration visit www.CathFamily.org