10 minute read
Permanent Actions for Temporary Problems
BY BEN LUCKETT, DIRECTOR OF DIGITAL EVANGELIZATION
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INTERNATIONAL MEN’S DAY is right around the corner, and you may be asking yourself: Why do we need to celebrate men? Why do we have a day for them? Men already make up most of the people in power, they make up most of the Church hierarchy, they’ve already written most of history, they’ve climbed mountains, discovered cures for this and that - it seems that the influence of men is ubiquitous and so is their implicit praise - a day strictly dedicated to men seems excessive. We should instead be trying to lift up those who need the help. However, when I think of International Men’s Day, I don’t think of the success of men. I think of suicide.
When we think of the life expectancies of men vs. women, women tend to have the last laugh as they usually live longer. Among the top ten reasons for death in men, suicide is ranked number 8. Between the ages of 10 and 34, the fourth leading cause of death is suicide, and according to the CDC, 47,500 deaths in America in 2019 were caused by suicide- 79% of those were men.1 What’s most shocking, is suicide is the leading cause of death in men who live in Australia, with four out of every five men committing suicide each day, and according to their statistics, 75% of suicides by men are NOT accompanied by mental health concerns.2 Furthermore, the CDC also illustrates that 12.2 million people have seriously considered suicide, 3.2 million made a plan for it, and 1.2 million attempted suicide - with men more likely to complete their suicidal action than women.
The guy in the grocery line without a ring on his finger and microwavable pizzas in his shopping cart - he’s probably thought of committing suicide before. The man at the gym staring at his phone, working out by himself - he’s probably thought of committing suicide before. The lone boy in the pew - the one praying after Mass that looks like he would make a great priest - he’s probably thought of committing suicide before. I should know - I was all three of these men.
Suicide and a man’s mental health concerns are often very isolating. With common tropes of men being seen as “tough,” and that he should be able to get his own life in order - it’s no wonder that depression among men is oftentimes under diagnosed (perhaps because it is seen as “unmanly” to get help). In 2020, 12% of female Americans went to counseling, that’s 20 million- 8% of males went, that’s 13 million. Furthering this idea of men not seeking help for their mental health, a 2019 Cleveland Clinic report of over 1000 men in America, surveyed that 40% of them were told as children that “Men don’t complain about health issues,”- only 50% of men engaged in preventative care by seeking out routine check ups and 72% of men “would rather do household chores, like cleaning the bathroom or mowing the lawn than go to the doctor.” 3
How many men do you know that when they hurt themselves or have been hurt (emotionally or physically), “just walk it off”? The guy who dropped a sixty pound dumbbell on his shoulder at the gym - he could have broken a bone - he just walked it off. The guy who stood up on a date and later told his date wanted nothing to do with him - he could have self-esteem and trust issues now - he just walked it off. The guy whose friends went to hang out without him - he could think he’s all alone and no one loves him - he just walked it off. Perhaps you know a guy like this- your dad, your brother, your friend, maybe even you. I do, because I was all of these men.
My shoulder is doing fine now by the way.
The problems men face on a day to day basis, may feel very isolating (especially suicide), but at the same time, every other guy you see on the street is going through, has gone through, or knows someone going through the same issues. Your son, your father, your brother, your boyfriend, your ex, the stranger in line, has more than likely been where I’m talking about. So what can you do to help- and what can you do to help yourself if you’re thinking about suicide?
GET HELP
As most addicts in recovery will tell you, the most difficult and most important step to take, is admitting you have a problem. In this case, not just to yourself - because you already know you have a problem - but to someone else. It’s hard, I know, wondering if that person is going to judge you, if they’re going to think you’re lesser than, if they will think you aren’t the man they thought you were. And to be honest, there are some mean people out in the world, but if I’m being more honest, about 99% of the people out there (according to me), are good. And if you open up to your friend, your girlfriend, your teacher, your priest, whomever, they will be there to help as best they can.
But you can’t rely on just them - most people aren’t professionals at cracking the code on you. Psychologytoday.com is a phenomenal site where you can get so much help. I’ve been to counseling multiple times in my life - I can attest it works! If there’s not someone in your town, most counselors nowadays offer virtual sessions as well. The most important part is reaching out to someone and letting them know what you’re going through. You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, go through life by yourself.
BE OPEN, VALIDATING, AND NON JUDGMENTAL
This is for the ones looking to help. As I stated before, men already don’t feel it’s their duty/right as a man to discuss their feelings. You providing a space and attitude that says, “I’m here for you,” goes miles.
If your son tells you he’s getting bullied in school, don’t just tell him to be tough, listen to him. If your boyfriend is crying in front of you, hug him and let him do it in your arms. If your husband is stressed out of his mind at his job, do something to help take his mind off of it, help him relax. You may not have the answers to his problems, you may not understand why he feels the way you do, but you being someone he can talk to helps.
If your son tells you he’s getting bullied in school, don’t just tell him to be tough, listen to him. If your boyfriend is crying in front of you, hug him and let him cry in your arms. If your husband is stressed out of his mind at his job, do something to help take his mind off of it, help him relax. You may not have the answers to his problems, you may not understand why he feels the way you do, but you being someone he can talk to, helps. You listening, being there for that person, that’s more than half of what that man needs.
KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES
You are not his psychologist, though. You may feel it is your duty to help whoever is crying in front of you (and I would say do as much as you can), but you are not his psychologist. Now, I’m not saying you should redirect every problem of your guy’s to professional help, but there are certain things that you are not trained in and cannot provide help.
Your husband had a long day at work - hear him out! Your boyfriend is feeling anxious about the future - see how you can help. Your son has self-esteem issues - listen to him. But there are things, such as suicide, that you should open yourself up to hear from your man, but then suggest seeing a therapist. Oftentimes, as I’ve discussed above, men don’t want to seek help. So instead, perhaps finding someone for them could help influence their decision to go to therapy. Offer to drive them there and get food afterwards, offer to schedule the appointment, wait in the lobby of the counseling office while they’re in their session - anything that helps provide comfort to them, the better. If a man comes to you for help, do not abandon him.
LISTEN
This is for the man reading this- you’ve opened yourself up to someone by now - that’s good. Listen to what they have to say. If they ask if you’d like to see someone, your inclination is going to say “no, i can do this myself,” and look where you are. I know, I’ve been there! Listen to the suggestions that your friends have for you, especially if it is going to see someone, and act on it. Half the battle for us is getting over the misconception that we have to do everything alone, and listening to the solutions of others is part of the other half.
IT’S A PERMANENT ACTION FOR A TEMPORARY PROBLEM
This whole article is a bit doom and gloomy, but I want to try and leave on a positive piece of advice, not only for the one going through any sort of suicidal ideation or mental health scare, but also for the one who isn’t; that piece of advice is this: suicide is a permanent action for a temporary problem.
During my life, in the times that I was going through the toughest parts where I thought suicide would just make everything better, this phrase got me through it. Prayer, food, funny movies, none of these things got me through those nights quite like rehearsing this mantra. No matter how terrible your life gets, no matter how dark your mornings are or how cold
the summer treats you, your worst day only lasts a day. To give up at your lowest point, just isn’t fair for your past self who worked so hard to get you where you are now. It’s not fair for when you were a kid who had dreams of becoming an astronaut, a painter, or a president. It’s not fair for the student who sat in that seat in high school and college, studying late nights and into the mornings, working on something so hard on your dreams. It’s not fair for the person sitting in the pew, thanking God for the blessings received that day. And you might say to yourself, much like I did, “well my past self led me to where I am now,” and to that I have to say, a tree doesn’t know how it will grow, only that it does grow.
If you’re looking for a book to read to help you get through tough times, Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Father Jacques Phillippe as well as the Book of Job are wonderful resources.
I won’t make any other assumptions about what you’re going through, but if you or someone you know is on the fringe and needs help, please, reach out for help. Battles are much harder to fight alone.
Footnotes:
1 (henry ford.com) 2 Internationalmensday.info 3 meetmonarch.com “No matter how terrible your life gets, no matter how dark your mornings are or how cold the summer treats you, your worst day only lasts a day. To give up at your lowest point, just isn’t fair for your past self who worked so hard to get you where you are now. It’s not fair for when you were a kid who had dreams of becoming an astronaut, a painter, or a president. It’s not fair for the student who sat in that seat in high school and college, studying late nights and into the mornings, working on something so hard on your dreams. It’s not fair for the person sitting in the pew, thanking God for the blessings received that day. And you might say to yourself, much like I did, “well my past self led me to where I am now,” and to that I have to say, a tree doesn’t know how it will grow, only that it does grow.”
