Your Family, Your Faith Making it Meaningful
Editor’s Note
IN THIS EDITION
Welcome to the first edition of “Your Family, Your Faith”.
Educating Kids................................1
What matters most in your life? For me, while work is important, family comes first; my husband Paul and young sons, Arnaud and Eric.
A Dad’s Pespective........................2
I want to be the best mum, and wife, I can be. My Catholic faith also motivates me, and putting that faith into action. At times I fail, but the goal remains, and it gives meaning to everything I do.
Umbert the Unborn.......................5
Building strong families, and supporting families to raise happy and healthy children, is important, and that’s what we want to help you achieve. But this newsletter isn’t just for Catholic families. It’s for all families who send their kids to Catholic schools and want them to grow up with strong values. It’s for families like yours – doing the best you can, day in day out, to survive and, hopefully, thrive! We’ve chatted to parents - at school, at home and at mass - and what
A Mum’s Perspective.....................3 Meet the Contributors..................4
you’ve told us is that you want guidance and encouragement about how to be better parents and how to build stronger families. We want to support you with: • Ideas to improve your marriage, parenting and family life; • Tips to educate your kids and promote faith and values; • Stories by families about what works best for them. Parenting isn’t easy, but it’s the most rewarding job of all. I’d love to hear your thoughts and story ideas. Write to me at felicity@catholiclife.org.au Best wishes from my family to yours, Felicity de Fombelle
Educating Kids by Angus Tulley
One of the challenges for principals is that everyone has been to school and therefore knows what schools are like.
Family Matters................................6 Archbishop Coleridge Feature Article................................7 Let babies learn in their own good time PlayStation Verses Character Building...........................8
“ ” The death of a mother opens deep vaults in the heart and one of them is the vault of memory. “Family and Faith “ by Archbishop Mark Coleridge, page 6
Often there is a charism or a motto that also guides the school community.
The reality is quite different – no two schools are the same and even in a city like Canberra, schools within a cooee of each other can be worlds apart when it comes to ethos, parental support and leadership.
Essentially Catholic schools have a mission to be about gospel values and to spread the gospel. Catholic schools must also provide a good education but it is education of the whole person and includes physical, intellectual, social and spiritual dimensions.
Catholic schools do have a set of beliefs and values that set them apart from other schools.
We have just welcomed our new Year 7 students. At the Welcome Evening I always go through some advice Continued over...
A Dad’s Perspective
“The Good, Bad and The Dangerous”
By Shawn van der Linden
There is something important about giving children the space to take risks, the opportunity to “be dangerous” and have adventures. As a father of four, I often lament the risk averse approach to parenting that is so prevalent these days. I was blessed to grow up on a twoacre block with a creek that regularly flooded and whole regions of bush to explore, build cubby houses and ride horses. When I was in Grade One I used to walk 2kms to and from the school bus stop with my older sister. I have many happy memories of that walk home, of the space it gave us to be kids and explore life with a God given sense of wonder and freedom. These days I would not dream of letting my son and daughter (grades two and four) walk to school (via the underpass – no roads to cross)! Why is it so hard to trust they will be okay and let them take risks? In asking this question my mind immediately goes to our recent experience with Henry, our four-year-
old. While playing in our small and appropriately fenced backyard he fell and broke both his arms. Yes, both! Then that evening in emergency he was given an overdose of Nitrous Oxide and stopped breathing. For about one minute we thought we had lost him, but thank God he was fine. Not to be outdone, six weeks later Henry fell off the back of the couch and broke two bones in his wrist. This was one week after getting the plaster off his arms from the first two breaks! Our children are so vulnerable and, it seems, “at risk”, even when we go to all sorts of lengths to protect and care for them. How then do we get the balance right between protecting and giving opportunities for risk and adventure? Without risk, adventure and even a healthy approach to “being dangerous” we run the very real risk of a whole generation of children growing up “indoors”. I guess for us parents the key thing when it comes to getting the balance right is having an awareness of these issues and talking them through with our spouses, family and friends.
Of course our faith is also important and doing what we can to accept our own limitations and surrender our children to God’s love and care. I have always found the following scripture helpful in this regard: “Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus”. (Philippians 4: 6-7)
Educating Kids
...continued from cover to parents. I always tell the parents that I am not lecturing and that my family is in no way ‘perfect’. However, I do challenge parents to take on the parenting role and to: • Restrict the amount of television the children watch – particularly through the week; • Ensure that computers are used in a shared area in the house – laptops and TVs in bedrooms are a big ‘no no’; • Read – it is important that children see their parents reading for enjoyment; • Try to have family meals around a table – if it isn’t possible every night then at least have family meals once or twice a week around the family table; • Not take ‘nothing’ as a good enough answer when they ask their children what has happened at school that day. It is worth checking to see what was on the agenda for the day and then asking some specific questions; • Communicate with other parents in terms of sleepovers, birthday parties etc. It is better to be the ‘mean’ parent who takes the time to meet other parents and to check who will be at home. One of the strongest predictors of whether children will succeed at school is the interest that their parents take in their education. At the same time, children need to know that you are interested because you love them and that what you want above all else, is for them to be happy.
2
A Mum’s Perspective
“Facing up to the fulfilling forties”
by Annabelle O’Connell
So here I am at 40. When I was twenty-something, and incredibly wise and knowledgeable about everything, I thought I would be an ‘old woman’ at this age. I do have grey hair, but I definitely don’t think of myself as an old woman. And happily, I’ve started embarrassing my children, without even meaning to! That’s a bit of a bonus. I thought I would have to really make an effort to do that, but for example, walking into school today with my 8 year old Gracie, I was trying to hold her hand. Just really very simply, hold her hand. “Muuuuuhuuum, don’t!!!!” What?! You’re EIGHT! My mum was a parent helper on a school camp when I was 12, and I followed her around all week, needing to have her in my sight at all times, let alone wanting to hold her hand every now and then….but I digress! I’m really enjoying being here, much more than I thought I would. I found it very threatening when my older brother was turning the big 4-0; me being a MUCH younger 38 at the
time. I thought that turning 40, which was then such a big, scary number, my life would be taking a turn for the overwhelmingly dull. Right here right now, my life is anything but. Well, maybe that’s a matter of opinion - I don’t have a full time job, apart from being a mum to the two most beautiful children ever born, so that means I get to stay home rather a bit, and dig in the garden, sew things and paint things. I am truly blessed. My poor husband has always been the one who has earned the most money…he has to choof off every day to paid employment, while I’m here having a lovely time…oops – don’t mean to rub it in…well, some days I clean the toilet, and that’s AW-ful. Perhaps it’s not so much that my life is or isn’t dull, but that I’ve reached a place where I’m pretty content. I have a happy marriage, healthy wonderful children and our days are not filled with what I imagine is the hustle and bustle of city life for many families. There is also very little stress in my life. In fact, the stress that comes is usually from things that happen to other people - big horrible things.
In my contentment, there are a few unsolved mysteries, one or two real regrets, some reasonably large questions and definitely many little anxieties, especially as a wife and mother, but for me, contentment lies in being able to recognise that there are so many things I cannot control, and to let a lot of it go. I now hand my ‘stuff’ over to God, in prayer. And it’s taken me almost 40 years to begin to do it, let alone do it regularly or well. My parents and God gave me this gift of faith when I was christened at the ripe old age of 12 days. 39 years and bit over 353 days later, it seems to be starting to bear some pretty healthy fruit! I pray that I will be able to do this for my kids. I want them to have a strong faith, mostly to help get them through all the hairy times that are to come, but also to be grateful for all the wonderful things and people that will be a part of their lives. Whether I, with my husband, can guide them to a place where they know and trust their God, well, I think I’ll just have to hand that one over for now too.
At ime t o chuckle
Apples or cookies
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic primary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
Catholic Schools enrolling now 9-27 May take the learning journey with us
www.catholicschools.act.edu.au
A nun had posted a note on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
3
Meet t he Cont ribut ors Cathy and Julian Drumore
Cathy and Julian are the “Alphabet Family”; their seven children are named after the first seven letters of the alphabet. That means that baby number eight, due in July, is “Baby H”. “I thought if we limited ourselves to one letter of the alphabet it would be easier to choose names,” Cathy chuckles. The couple met at the University of Canberra, married at 21 and moved to Temora, about one hour from Wagga Wagga, when their fourth child Dominic was born. High school teacher Cathy has always been the main breadwinner while Julian has been a stay-at-home Dad. They will write about how they juggle marriage and family life in their column, “Family Matters”.
Shawn van der Linden At the age of 19, Shawn quit his job as an apprentice carpenter and left his family in Melbourne to join the seminary in Canberra. One week later, his mother Lesley was killed in a car accident. It was one of a number of turning points in Shawn’s life. Shawn left the seminary after five years and went on to get married and have four children, who are aged 20 months to nine. Shawn says his faith meant a lot to him growing up but became life-changing at the age of 19, and is now extremely important to him. He will write about life as a Dad in his column, “A Dad’s Perspective”.
Archbishop Mark Coleridge Archbishop Mark chuckles as he recalls his mother’s first impression of the man she was to marry. “She thought he had a funny nose and looked like a koala bear,” the Archbishop laughs. The third of five children, the Archbishop considered becoming a diplomat, until he met two young priests who inspired him to join the priesthood. Though he has faced trials and hard decisions, he has never thought of leaving.
4
“I did go through a period in my 40s where I regretted not having a family,” he admits, “but then you can tend to glamorise these things; to think that, if you have a wife and kids, everything will be perfect. I’d lived long enough as a priest to see the difficulties and challenges that family life can bring. My life has been extraordinarily rich and fulfilling in other ways.” Archbishop Mark will write his column about “Family and Faith”.
Angus Tulley After 30 years in teaching, Angus Tulley reckons he has a pretty good idea of what parents look for in a school. “They want their children to be happy and to be provided with opportunities for success,” Angus says. The father-of-four has been principal of St Francis Xavier College in Florey since 2003. His wife Paola is also a teacher. Angus is passionate about education and his column, “Educating Children”, will be about how parents can support their kids.
Annabelle O’Connell Mum-of-two Annabelle O’Connell loves the term ‘practising Catholic’. “It’s so right,” she says, “because we continually have to practice. I’m certainly in no position to judge those who don’t/can’t/won’t practise their faith, having been in all three categories myself at times.” Annabelle and husband Anthony have two children; Patrick is 11 and Grace is 8. They moved to Yass from Wollongong 10 years ago and love it. She has been a full-time Mum since her kids were born and, today, works casually at the local preschool, is secretary of the P & F at Mt Carmel School, which the kids attend, and looks after a friend’s 18 month old son Charlie every Friday. Annabelle will write about life as a Mum in her column, “A Mum’s Perspective”.
Umbert the Unborn
Meet Umbert the Unborn, the feisty comic strip character who demands respect. His mother’s womb is his private universe, playground and think-tank. Created in 2001, Umbert will be a regular feature of the newsletter
5
Family Matters
“Staying Strong ain’t Easy”
by Cathy Drumore
Today, I woke at 6.30am and thought about the Year 11 class that I had offered to provide copies of a movie for.
Our lives can get very busy, too busy at times. It’s easy to reflect on all of the things that we forget and kick ourselves for what we didn’t do.
Fortunately, I had had the sense to ask the family expert (Julian) the previous evening to change the movie into a different format for them to use but three hours later, I realised as I looked at their expectant faces that I had forgotten to bring the USB drive to school!
But we also need to remind ourselves that we can only do what we can, that this morning I did run Frank’s bath and make six lunches, ensured that all children had some kind of appropriate uniform to wear, discussed Anastasia’s senior high school options and got myself dressed in time to be no more than a couple of minutes late for the car pool.
When I arrived home this evening, Beatrice met me at the door to inquire as to whether I had repeated the babysitting advertisement she had placed in the local newspaper. Oops. Later, as I was checking my emails, I realised that I had omitted a colleague from an important mailing list then, glancing at my watch, I realised that I was already 10 minutes late for the AGM for one of the community organisations in town.
This afternoon, I picked Cecilia and Dominic up from Aussie Rules practise in pouring rain, then on the way to daily Mass this evening, accompanied by Edward, I dropped Anastasia off at a babysitting job. When I arrived home from my meeting, I changed Frank’s nappy and assisted Beatrice with Geometric proofs for her homework. Dominic
was still finishing his spelling while I washed sports uniforms for tomorrow. We may feel sometimes that we don’t get everything done that we should or want to do but, while putting washing on the line (a great time for thinking), I started wondering about Jesus and his mission. I wonder whether he ever thought, “If only…” and whether part of his agony in the garden was knowing that there was no way he would have time on earth to do all the things he could do. But what he did do, of course, was leave it all in God’s hands where everything worked out the way it was meant to. And he trusted his disciples to remember all that he had told them and act on it. So next time I forget something, I’ll try to remind myself to focus on what I’ve remembered instead.
Family & Faith
“My Mum, My Family and My Faith”
by Archbishop Coleridge
My mother Marjorie died in May last year at the age of 93 after two decades of widowhood. The death of a mother opens deep vaults in the heart – and one of them is the vault of memory. Just before Mum died, we decided to sell the family home. She’d been in care for some time and the old place was just standing there empty, the garden overgrown. Before the sale, I went down and just sat there on my own for about an hour. I found it strangely moving as the memories flooded back. The house now seemed so small, and I wondered how on earth we all fitted in – especially with one bathroom. It would never do these days, but
6
it seemed OK at the time. Like my upbringing generally, the house wasn’t perfect, but it was a good place to be and grow. We certainly weren’t poor, but we didn’t have heaps of money either. Most of what we did have went on paying school fees for the five kids. But the home was always beautifully presented. My mother loved the garden; it was her spiritual space. We lived in a few houses over the years, but each of them had a lovely garden, and as a gardener Mum taught us a spirituality of beauty. She may not have had much money, but she always had a sense of style – and in decorating the home she made the most of what she had. So both outside and inside, the family home was always a pleasant place to be.
Sitting in the old place, I thought how Mum tended us with even more loving care than she did the garden. She had even greater pleasure in watching us grow – and in fighting off the (spiritual) bugs and possums. She was even more careful in presenting the five of us well to the world than she was in making the home a place of beauty. She was even successful in improving Dad’s sense of dress and grooming over the years. He protested feebly at times, but secretly he enjoyed it. Was Mum more of an influence on me than he was? Yes, mainly because Dad was often away from home on work. That was tough in some ways; it meant our upbringing wasn’t perfect. But I would be greedy if I complained and expected more.
FEATURE ARTICLE
“Let babies learn in their own good time”
by Professor Diana Kenny
A young mother once consulted me about her 10-month-old daughter, whom she worried was developmentally delayed because she did not appear to have “any interest in or motivation to participate in her kindergym activites.”
industry became a huge economic success. Extravagant claims have been made for the educational value of these products. Parents who have invested money in their purchase provide glowing testimonials on the web regarding their effectiveness.
Admittedly extreme, this is an example of hot housing gone mad.
Babies and toddlers are often introduced to these products at times of rapid development, for example, in the second year of life when expansion in vocabulary occurs. Parents often erroneously attribute
Hot housing refers to the practice of attempting to accelerate the development of children. It can occur in any domain of development. Kindergyms and baby swimming classes attempt to accelerate motor development. Baby-media – educational programs, computer programs, specialised books and toys, flashcards and DVDs – purport to accelerate cognitive development and language learning. Is there evidence to justify the money, time, effort and opportunity cost of hot housing very young children? The United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights considers play an essential component of optimal child development such that the opportunity for free play has been declared a human right. Hot-house children have reduced opportunities to play and less high-quality family time, which is often consumed by tight activity schedules. But the hothouse industry markets aggressively to anxious, well-meaning parents that its activities are necessary for optimal development, in order to give their children the best opportunities in life.
“
...the hot-house industry markets aggressively to anxious, well-meaning parents that its activities are necessary for optimal development, in order to give their children the best opportunities in life.
”
these language growth spurts to exposure to baby media. But the available research all points in the same direction. Babies and toddlers exposed to baby media do not learn more than normally stimulated children who are not exposed to such media.
There are clear benefits of participation and enrichment, but what programs or approaches provide benefit, when should these activities be introduced and how much is too much? Conclusions cannot be generalised to other areas of hot housing, but let’s look at infant language learning, for example.
One study assessed the Mandarin language learning in nine-month-olds from English-speaking families. A month after live or video exposure, infants were tested for their sensitivity to Mandarin speech sounds. Only children exposed to live speakers retained sensitivity. Similar results were obtained in studies assessing infants’ capacity to imitate simple actions. Infants exposed to live models imitated more. With respect to word learning, an inverse relationship was found.
In 1997, the first Baby Einstein video appeared and many copycats followed. Overnight the baby media
An experimentally strong study published in 2010 in Psychological Science, the flagship journal of the
American Psychological Association, assessed the effect of a best-selling baby DVD specifically designed to accelerate vocabulary learning in 72 infants aged 12 to 18 months. There were four experimental conditions. In one group, parents simply presented the video to their infants; in the second, parents interacted with their infants during viewing; in the third, parents taught the same words as presented on the video to their infants without use of the video; the fourth were the control group who provided a baseline for natural vocabulary development over a four-week period. Results showed the parent-only teaching group was superior to the other three groups in terms of the number of target words learnt over the four weeks. Neither video group differed from the control group. Parents who liked the DVD rated their infants’ progress as better than it really was, which accounts for the glowing testimonials. Very young children do not learn well from symbolic media such as videos or pictures because they are not yet able to make the connection between symbol and reality. It is a pity the purveyors of baby media have not made the connection either! Or, perhaps, as they sit counting their profits, they just don’t care. Professor Diana Kenny is a practising psychologist and a professor of psychology and music at the University of Sydney.
7
www.cdf.cg.catholic.org.au
PlayStation versUs Character Building “The children now love luxury; they show disrespect for elders … Children are tyrants ... They contradict their parents … and tyrannise their teachers.” Respected principal Andrew Mullins used this quote from Socrates in his book, Parenting For Character, to make a point. The key difference between today and Socrates’ time is not that children have changed, but that parents have lost confidence in their ability to mould character and instil important values. After more than 30 years of teaching in Sydney schools, Mr Mullins speaks from experience. “It is easy to make children happy now, just take them to McDonalds or put on a PlayStation,” he says. But, to achieve happiness in adulthood, he believes children need four things: wisdom, self-control, justice and courage. He calls them the “foundation habits for happiness.” The biggest danger to families, Mr Mullins believes, is the “collapse of family life” and the failure of families to connect. “It is a real struggle for parents to get enough weight in the home to outbalance the media and the peer group,” he says. Currently the principal of Wollemi College in Sydney’s West, Mr Mullins will be speaking at a FREE relationships education seminar for parents and teachers on Tuesday June 28, from 7.30pm to 9.30pm, at St Mary MacKillop College, Isabella Plains. His topic will be “Building Character in your Teenager: Why it matters and how to do it”. Mr Mullins will talk about how certain behaviours, such as excessive TV and computer use, snacking at will and telling half-truths, are habit forming by their repetitive and appealing nature. As these habits are not good for children, he believes parents must act, and quickly. “Let us focus on building up good habits in children and fight like there is no tomorrow to prevent the build up of bad ones in their character,” he urges. For more information about the free seminar, phone 6163 4300.
catholic IFE 8
Fancy a pint plus some stimulating discussion in the mix? The first Guinness & God event was held last year at King O’Malley’s Irish Pub in Civic. More than 110 people enjoyed drinks and dinner before settling in to a fascinating talk by Archbishop Mark Coleridge, speaking about “The Church: Irrelevant, Intellectualised, Institutionalised ... Or the Greatest Show on Earth?” A spirited question and answer session followed. Guinness & God has a terrific line-up of speakers for 2011. Earlier this year, GP/ obstetrician Dr Deirdre Little spoke on the topic “Embryo ‘Quality Checks’: Creating the Children we want?” In May, Karen Doyle, an expert on Pope John Paul II, spoke about his beatification and his promotion of women in the Church. On June 7, Archbishop Coleridge will be back, by popular demand! And, later in June, American radio host Tim Staples will take to the stage. Tim became a Catholic during his time as a US marine and spent six years in the seminary, before deciding the priesthood was not his vocation. Guinness & God is a great forum for ideas, discussion and debate and a great evening’s entertainment. For more information: 6163 4300 or www.guinnessandgod.com
Proud supporters of the Archbishop’s Youth Ministry Leadership Awards. www.projectlighting.com.au
Published by the Catholic Archdiocese of Canberra-Goulburn Produced by CatholicLIFE PO Box 7174 Yarralumla ACT 2600 Tel: 02 6163 4300 Fax: 02 6163 4310 Email: info@catholiclife.org.au Website: www.catholiclife.org.au