Finding God in Doubt and Disbelief
by Rev Nick Donnelly
All booklets are published thanks to the generous support of the members of the Catholic Truth Society
CATHOLIC TRUTH SOCIETY publishers to the holy see
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Dedicated to Canon John Watson STL, spiritual director and friend
Scriptural quotations in this booklet are from the Revised Standard Version Image Credits Page 9, © Romas_Photo/Shutterstock; Page 29, © Antonio Guillem/ Shutterstock; Page 38, © Ricardo Reitmeyer/Shutterstock.com; Page 59, © woottigon/Shutterstock.com All rights reserved. First published 2017 by The Incorporated Catholic Truth Society, 40-46 Harleyford Road London SE11 5AY Tel: 020 7640 0042 Fax: 020 7640 0046. Copyright © 2017 The Incorporated Catholic Truth Society. ISBN 978 1 78469 176 9
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Contents Sometimes Faith Can Be a Struggle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 It’s Alright To Ask Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Famous Christians Who Struggled with Doubt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 When Doubt and Disbelief Become a Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 Tips to Get Through Times of Doubt and Disbelief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
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Sometimes Faith Can Be a Struggle
T
he life of faith can be a struggle at times. Difficulties and doubts can disturb even the most confident Catholic who is devout and faithful. I’ve known practising, committed Christians walk away from the Church as a result of their faith unravelling over an obstinate doubt, because they deliberately refused to consider the truth. But I’ve also seen Christians grow stronger and more determined in faith due to facing a difficulty. The New Testament often describes the life of faith in terms of engaging in a time of trial, a battle or a contest: Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil (Ep 6:11); …Fight the good fight of faith (1 Tm 6:12); …I have fought the good fight to the end; I have run the race to the finish; I have kept the faith (2 Tm 4:7).
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These images of struggle and suffering convey the reality of the Christian life as a continuous and intense engagement to be faithful to God, to be honest with ourselves and to be loving towards others, even our enemies. Seeking to progress in the Christian life means it is essential to be conscious of the dangers that threaten us: our inherent weakness in the supernatural life as creatures; our inclination to evil due to original sin; and the ever-present threat from the devil who seeks to destroy the life of faith within us. Even if we are baptised, and therefore free from original sin, we are left with a wounded nature that leaves us vulnerable to the attraction of sin. As St Paul puts it, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Rm 7:15). The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) describes our lives as “a hard battle”: This dramatic situation of “the whole world [which] is in the power of the evil one” makes man’s life a battle: The whole of man’s history has been the story of dour combat with the powers of evil, stretching, so our Lord tells us, from the very dawn of history until the last day. Finding himself in the midst of the battlefield man has to struggle to do what is right, and it is at great cost to himself, and
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aided by God’s grace, that he succeeds in achieving his own inner integrity (CCC 409). Is it any wonder that at times we may be assailed by doubts? Our Lord on the struggle of faith Sacred Scripture and the lives of the saints are starkly realistic about the ever-present possibility of failure and defeat in the life of faith. Our Lord conveys this truth when he asks, “But when the Son of man comes, will he find any faith on earth?” (Lk 18:8). This is a question addressed to each one of us. Jesus describes three threats to the life of faith in his Parable of the Sower, using the metaphor of seed falling onto different types of soil (Mk 4:3-20). First, the seed of faith falls along the path and the “birds came and devoured it”. When the life of faith is shallow and superficial it can easily be destroyed by temptations from the devil. Second, the faith falls upon ground that is rocky, resulting in weak roots. Our Lord cautions that even if faith is lived with joy and enthusiasm, if it hasn’t put down deep roots in our lives it can be lost during difficulties or persecution. Third, the seed of faith falls among thorns, which represents the influence of the Godless society over us, our inclination towards sin and sinful habits. If the world has a strong hold over our heart and desires, it can kill the life of faith within us.
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In the Parable of the Sower, Jesus concludes that the life of faith grows and is fruitful if the seed falls on good soil, which Jesus describes as those Christians “who hear the word and accept it” (Mk 4:20). This good soil allows us to put down deep roots. Our Lord is clear that the faith is lost in his three examples – it is devoured, it shrivels, it is choked. Looking back over my life as a cradle Catholic, a husband, a permanent deacon and a theologian, there have been times when my living of the faith has been shallow and superficial, or the roots of faith have hit a rocky, unconverted part of my soul, or I have been almost overwhelmed by worldly pleasures and my inclination towards sin. My faith has barely survived the toxicity of the soil of my life. But, through the grace of God, I have struggled, and battled, to keep hold of the faith during these deadly times. Pope Francis talks about our lives being made up of different types of soil deadly to faith, encouraging us in our hope, our desire, to be good soil: What kind of ground are we? What kind of terrain do we want to be? Maybe sometimes we are like the path: we hear the Lord’s word but it changes nothing in our lives because we let ourselves be numbed by all the superficial voices competing for our attention; or we are like the rocky ground: we receive Jesus with enthusiasm, but we falter and,
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faced with difficulties, we don’t have the courage to swim against the tide; or we are like the thorny ground: negativity, negative feelings choke the Lord’s word in us (cf. Mt 13:18-22). But today I am sure that the seed is falling on good soil, that you want to be good soil, not part-time Christians, not “starchy” and superficial, but real. I am sure that you don’t want to be duped by a false freedom, always at the beck and call of momentary fashions and fads. I know that you are aiming high, at long-lasting decisions which will make your lives meaningful. Jesus is capable of letting you do this: he is “the way, and the truth, and the life” (Jn 14:6). Let’s trust in him. Let’s make him our guide! (Address to Young People, World Youth Day, 27th July 2013) We will endure and flourish during the trials and battles of faith if we trust in the grace and truth of Our Lord Jesus Christ: “In all these trials, we triumph through the power of him who has shown his love for us” (Rm 8:37). In fact, our struggles with difficulties and doubts, our times of trial and battle, are essential to being true disciples of Jesus Christ: “If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Lk 9:23). Our Lord’s victory over sin and death through his Passion, crucifixion and death is a trial, a contest, a battle with evil. Our
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Lord is a warrior who struggles and fights against an enemy who seeks to defeat him in his humanity. His humiliating death upon the cross looks like a defeat, but, through his obedience to the Father, his love for sinful man and his own inherent divine life, his death is the greatest victory in history. Our wounds Our spiritual life is a combat and we take wounds, even serious wounds that harm and sometimes threaten the life of faith. Sometimes we are so wounded by life or ourselves that it looks like we are defeated. We may be tempted to give up – we doubt that God can ever heal us. This is the time when we need to hang on. Such wounds require: hope in God, when we can feel there is no hope; time, when we can feel everything is at end; earnest prayer, when it can feel like God is not listening or not there; and the sacraments of healing, when it can feel like healing will never come. In the pain and doubt of our wounds, we need to ‘endure’ in the Lord in order to recover. Being wounded is at the heart of being a Christian as we see in the wounds of the crucified Christ. It was through seeing and touching the wounds of Jesus that the apostle Thomas was given the grace to overcome his doubts and joyfully proclaim the divinity of Christ, “My Lord and my God!” (Jn 20:28). But what are our wounds? Wounds are the impact on us physically,
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psychologically, morally and spiritually from encounters with natural and moral evil, such as the death of loved ones and living with grief, loneliness, physical and psychological illnesses, serious accidents, crime, bullying, violence, abortion and euthanasia, rape and sexual assault, pornography and sexual immorality, adultery, betrayal, abandonment, habitual and mortal sins, just to name a few. We are also wounded by the actions of the devil and demons through their ordinary hostility of temptations, and through extraordinary attacks such as infestation and oppression, and occasionally, though rarely, possession. Our Lord took the threat from the devil and demons very seriously. So should we. Jesus tells us: He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks according to his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies (Jn 8:44-45). Our Lord isn’t being lyrical or metaphorical; he is being totally realistic. The devil can kill the life of faith: “And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell� (Mt 10:28). Our experiences of natural and moral evil, either as perpetrators, but even more as victims, can cause
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difficulties, doubts and disbelief about fundamental truths of the Christian faith. St Paul talked about a wound that caused him persistent problems and suffering, but, encouragingly, also about how this could be brought to good: So that I should not get above myself, I was given a thorn in the flesh, a messenger from Satan to batter me and prevent me from getting above myself. About this, I have three times pleaded with the Lord that it might leave me; but he has answered me, “My grace is enough for you: for power is at full stretch in weakness.” It is, then, about my weaknesses that I am happiest of all to boast, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me; and that is why I am glad of weaknesses, insults, constraints, persecutions and distress for Christ’s sake. For it is when I am weak that I am strong (2 Co 12:7-10). As St Paul writes, wounds can be an opening to grace and wisdom if we struggle with them, ask for healing, and trust in the providential love and care of Our Lord. We can help overcome our wounds and put down “deep roots” in our lives through: prayer; the sacraments; daily study of Sacred Scripture and the teaching of the Church; and imitating the life of Jesus Christ. Deep roots can help us withstand times of difficulties, doubt and disbelief. But one thing St Paul makes clear is that wounds are never easy to
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live with, even with the help of Christ. It is never easy being weak. My wound I live with a serious wound that I have struggled with for most of my life since childhood and that causes me to endure periods of doubt and, during the worst moments, disbelief about fundamental truths of the faith. When I was a young boy my brother Paul and my sister Catherine died due to being born premature. The doctors said that if Catherine were to live for ten days she would survive, but she died on the tenth day. Mum and Dad protected me from their grief and I had a very happy childhood with my other brothers and sister. Every Feast of St Peter and St Paul, Mum would remind us to pray for Paul and Catherine in heaven. However, I was very aware of their absence and the pain caused by their loss. I developed a deep abiding fear of death. This wound deepened, and the moments of doubt and disbelief worsened, due to the deaths of my own children, Gabriel and Ariel. After twenty years of hoping that we would be blessed with children, my wife, Martina, conceived Gabriel. But at about twelve weeks into the pregnancy Gabriel died. A couple of years later our hope was renewed with the conception of Ariel, but she also died. Throughout both pregnancies I lived with the fear that my children
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would die, just as my brother and sister had died. And despite our earnest and heartfelt prayers, and those of our family and friends, my worst fears were realised. The grief over Gabriel and Ariel’s death was so overwhelming and painful that I was seriously tempted to take my own life through suicide. (I have written about this is in Prayers for Grieving Parents: Help After a Miscarriage or Stillbirth, CTS D713.) Life is a great good. The love of a brother for his siblings is a great good. The love of a father and mother for their children is a great good. Death is a grave evil. Death ended the lives of my brother and sister, and my son and daughter. Death ended my ability to show my love for my siblings and children through the ordinary, everyday interactions of life. Instead of the joy and richness of sharing in their lives, I am left with the grief and impoverishment of their deaths. For months after the deaths of my children I was left in such an agony of grief that I had to seek professional help to find ways of coping with my grief. It was an encounter with devastating evil. The deaths of Paul and Catherine and Gabriel and Ariel forced me to question the existence of God and his providential care. The physical reality of death, its reduction of the human person to being an inanimate, material thing, and the total, final absence of my brother and sister and son and daughter left me
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doubting not only the immorality of the soul, but even the existence of the soul. The Catholic philosopher Peter Kreeft wrote: More people have abandoned their faith because of the problem of evil than for any other reason. It is certainly the greatest test of faith, the greatest temptation to unbelief. And it’s not just an intellectual objection. We feel it. We live it. That’s why the Book of Job is so arresting (Peter Kreeft, The Fundamentals of Faith). My faith continues to be tested by the wound of death, and when I am overtired, stressed, ill or despondent, I can sink into the darkness of difficulties and doubts. I doubt the effectiveness of intercessory prayer, asking “Why did God not listen when we asked so earnestly, so hopefully?” It would take another book to tell the story of the ongoing healing of this wound, but I can express this in one word – trust. Trust is the light I have found in the darkness. I trust in the word and love of Our Lord Jesus Christ. One of the lifelines that helped me stay tethered to the faith during the storms of grief is Gerald Manley Hopkins’s translation of St Thomas Aquinas’s hymn, Adoro te devote. This has the line, “What God’s Son has told me, take for truth I do; / Truth Himself speaks truly or there’s nothing true.” It is a call to trust. To trust
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in God alone who is true and who alone makes sense of our lives when nothing seems true. Peter Kreeft explains the importance of trust to the life of faith with his parable of a child trapped in a burning building: A child on the tenth story of a burning building cannot see the firefighters with their safety net on the street. They call up, “Jump! We’ll catch you. Trust us.” The child objects, “But I can’t see you.” The firefighter replies, “That’s all right. I can see you.” We are like that child, evil is like the fire, our ignorance is like the smoke, God is like the firefighter, and Christ is like the safety net. If there are situations like this where we must trust even fallible human beings with our lives, where we must trust what we hear, not what we see, then it is reasonable that we must trust the infallible, all-seeing God when we hear from his word but do not see from our reason or experience. We cannot know all God’s reasons, but we can know why we cannot know. God has let us know a lot. He has lifted the curtain on the problem of evil with Christ. There, the greatest evil that ever happened, both the greatest spiritual evil and the greatest physical evil, both the greatest sin (deicide) and the greatest suffering (perfect love hated and crucified), is revealed as his wise and loving plan to bring about the greatest good, the salvation of the world from sin and
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suffering eternally. There, the greatest injustice of all time is integrated into the plan of salvation that St Paul calls “the righteousness (justice) of God”. Love finds a way. Love is very tricky. But love needs to be trusted (Peter Kreeft, The Fundamentals of Faith). I’m learning the truth of Our Lord’s words in the Parable of the Sower about the importance of truly hearing his word, and truly accepting it (Mk 4:20). I have knelt in the empty Tomb of Our Lord in the Basilica of the Holy Sepulchre; I’ve received Our Lord’s Sacred Body and Precious Blood, His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity. I know the truth of these words, and I trust in the promises they contain, the graces they communicate, no matter how hidden. Sometimes faith can be a struggle: prayer reflections In the battlefield of life, when doubts and disbelief confront me, give me the grace to fight the good fight and let Christ heal the wounds I am afraid to let even him touch. In the depths of my heart, let the soil become deep through: prayer; the sacraments; daily study of Sacred Scripture and the teaching of the Church; and, imitating the life of Jesus Christ. In the fire, when I stand on the tenth floor of the burning building, give me the courage and wisdom to jump into the safety net of God’s love.
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