How I Got Lost in a Bookstore and Found Myself

By Jen Schwartz, Briars & Brambles Books, Windham

Some children carry their favorite “stuffy” at all times. I carried a book. Books have always given me comfort and security. Bookstores are my anchors, beacons and sanctuaries. Several years ago (and before I opened Briars & Brambles), my life was unsettled and tumultuous, but one of the most distressing aspects during this time was that I couldn’t find anything I wanted to read. I had literally lost my appetite for reading. I couldn’t stomach reading about families, marriage, relationships or friendships. I had no desire to read a rom-com. I couldn’t fathom reading about suffering or illness. I couldn’t focus on “literature” and was annoyed by “beach reads.” I would visit bookstores and instead of finding solace, I felt unmoored. Each time I left a bookstore empty-handed magnified the fact I had lost both my sense of self and my way.

After months of not reading, I was struck by the anguish of the man on the cover of A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. This was someone I could relate to. The plot—a gorgeous, painful, complex story of four men’s friendship over several decades—was distant enough from anything in my life. I dove into it, relishing the writing, the story and ultimately, the fact I was reading again. After finishing A Little Life, I decided to pick up Circe by Madeline Miller. Circe, a demi-goddess is banished to an island by her family. Much of the book explores Circe’s struggle to own her anger and to embrace, rather than fear, her power. By the end of the book, I was inspired to tap into my own “inner Circe.”

Slowly but surely, I began reading again, although now there was a vulnerability I hadn’t had before. Books about marriage and families hit too close to home and I simply couldn’t read about them, at least not during that painful time. But, that didn’t mean I had to stop reading, it just meant I had to be incredibly careful about what I chose to read. Reading “safe subjects” gave me the space to begin to heal, because even the act of reading is, for me, a form of essential “self-care.” Wandering into bookstores only to leave empty handed filled me with sadness and, if I’m honest, a sense of shame. I felt as if I had failed at what should be a simple task: choose a book.

This experience has made me a more sensitive bookseller. When someone comes into the store and tells me they haven’t read anything in a while, I always begin by asking them if there are certain topics they want to avoid and the response has been universally grateful, they understand the question is genuine. Prior to losing my appetite for reading, I think I’d taken the pleasure I got from reading for granted and never truly appreciated how, in many ways, reading reflected my personal life and, therefore helped define me. If I hadn’t gotten lost in a bookstore, I’m not sure I would have “found” myself and who I truly am, and have always been: a reader and now, a bookseller who is now happily reading Available: A Very Honest Account of Life After Divorce by Laura Friedman Williams. ;-)

Looking to get lost in a local bookstore? Visit Briars & Brambles Books at the corner of Route 296 and South Street in Windham—Jen or another member of her knowledgeable staff will help you pick out your next book … even if you haven’t picked up a book in a while.