A Hypothetical Graduation Lawn Walk

As I wrap up finals anticlimactically on my couch, it occurs to me that the last piece of college left is graduation. In just a few days, I will be up before the crack of dawn to don a cap and gown and stride the length of the Lawn. This sounds simple enough, but you must understand I have never actually seen a normal University graduation. As a member of the class of 2023, two of the three graduations during my time were altered for COVID-19 related reasons. I attended the 2021 graduation, but because of limited ticketing, I had to watch the livestream and listen on the slope across from Scott Stadium. Hated when the audio didn’t match up.

Despite reading the pages on the Finals Weekend website several times and scrolling through a slew of graduation pictures on Instagram — which I unironically will be adding to soon as well — I don’t have a very clear idea of what to expect. Somehow enough chairs will seat thousands of people, squishing grass that has been so tenderly regrown since Lighting of the Lawn. At first glance, it does not look like there is enough green space to support so many guests. The maximum capacity during the Lawn picnic season is like 150 students carefully spread out. Perhaps those that have traversed the length of the Lawn would have a better understanding of how much space there really is. With guests seated, at least another thousand people will process down the center toward our Homer Statue — clothed, don’t worry — and settle in for guest speaker wisdom. At the end, Wahoowa, toss the caps and we’re good to go!

In my mind, here is the order of events —

1. I better not forget my cap and gown

2. Part ways with my guests just after dawn so they can find seats

3. Get to the North side of the Rotunda, i.e. the less cool side

4. If I have a graduation balloon, battle with other balloons for air space

5. Possibly call plane traffic control because there are so many balloons

6. Weather permitting, walk with a hoard of graduates down the Lawn at 9 a.m.

7. Hope that I can see my guests. Note, I am short, even with heels

8. God forbid I slip down one of the ramps in said heels

9. Sit down in front of Old Cabell Hall

10. Hope that the next hour of speeches will not sound like every other graduation I have been to

11. Stay awake stay awake stay awake

12. Clap for University President Jim Ryan

13. In the event of a hellacious