BLUE

BY JAKE ZAPPALA

Blue. Everything was blue. The sky was blue. My bathing suit was blue. The water was blue. The bottom of the 70’ yacht was blue. The color blue surrounded me. The color made me feel at peace. As I laid atop the boat, I felt like I was in another world. Like I was supposed to be here. Like I belonged. Things had gotten pretty crazy in the last couple days. Something about our family’s business involving my dad and my uncle, and it going south. Something about getting involved with people who weren’t fit for their jobs. My whole life I convinced myself that my dad and my uncle were good people. They were. My two family members cared for everyone around them. They were generous men who worked for their families. Though the two got wrapped up in white collar crime, I knew they did it for both sets of people who depended on them. Neither smoked or drank ever, neither missed any of their kids events, neither even missed a family dinner. Both of their flaws were as simple as two addictions to fast living.

My dad would tell me stories of times he had made more money in one week than he knew what to do with. He couldn’t even find ways to spend it. The way he thought, as well as the other men in my family before me, I just didn’t understand. While I appreciated that my family owned yachts and planes and some of the coolest cars in the world, their values didn’t resonate with me. I didn’t care where we went on vacation or where our clothes were and weren’t from. I didn’t value “stuff” like other family members did. And I felt alone. In my perfect world, I wanted a life where we were like everyone else. A life without risk or consequence. A life where we had enough to be happy. Maybe each of my parents had a car. Not 15 or 20. Where we flew on plans once every few years at most, not every couple of weeks. I wanted to go to school and learn. I wanted to go to college and get a degree and find a profession. Not get wrapped up in illegal business like I was expected to. If I could trade away every single thing I was ever gifted for any sense of normalcy, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

On the boat we had used to flee the country were my aunt and uncle, my two cousins, my grandmother, and my family. Mom, dad, brother, and sister. We had set sail from New Jersey about a week ago. It felt like it had been ages since we left. Today, we had finally washed up on the Bahamian coast. Although I make it clear I want nothing to do with this life, this place was impressive. While both beautiful and tranquil on the inside, I couldn’t imagine even for a second that this is where we would be calling home for the foreseeable future.

We had told most people we were going on vacation. Or, we explained we were celebrating my grandmother’s 70th birthday. I don’t know what I told my friends. Or even other family members. All I know is that we had to be out of the country. And here we were. I wasn’t exactly sure how I would fit in here, but it sure as hell couldn’t be much more difficult than trying to fit into the shoes everyone around me expected to fill.