Funny business

A MAN AND his ever-nagging wife went on a holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there the wife died. The undertaker said to the husband, “you can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.”

The man thought about it and then said to ship her home.

The undertaker asked “why would you spend $5,000 to ship her home when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here in the Holy Land and you would only spend $150.”

The man replied, “a long time ago a man died here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A woman in Star City Casino was losing at the roulette wheel.

When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number.

“Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.

The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor.

He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”

Doug had just formed his own rock band, and his little brother said one day,

“Doug, I wish you and your band could be on TV!”

“You think we’re good, eh?”

“Then I could turn you off!”

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.

The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”

“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.

“S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.”

Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.” The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.” The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.” The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, “All right, you’re on.” The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

“Dad, where did I come from?” asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained everything to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, “I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from.”

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?” “They called back!”

Quote of the month

“Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.”

Peter Drucker

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