Funny business

AN AIRLINE WAS having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, “I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?”

An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?”

He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.”

When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that,” and goes home very disappointed.

The next day he is called and told he has got the job. “Wonderful,” he says, “but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn’t right.”

“We know, but of all the candidates you were the closest.”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.

“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

A butcher, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his leg of lamb on a scale and weighed it. “That will be $16.35,” he told the customer.

“That really is a little too small,” said the woman. “Don’t you have anything larger?”

Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the leg of lamb to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took the same one out again.

“This one,” he said faintly, “will be $19.65”.

The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. “I know what,” she said, “I’ll take both of them!”

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts, “Yes, oi am”.

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus”.

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”

The drunk again answers, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus”.

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God man, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure dis is where he fell in?”

Quote of the month

“The best way to predict the future is to create it.”

Peter Drucker

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14/1 Bounty Close, Tuggerah Contact Agent

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2.26ha – Industrial/Warehouse Rick O’Toole 0413 285 235 184-186 Brick Wharf Road, Woy Woy – Contact Agent

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4/310 The Entrance Road, Erina Contact Agent 120m2 – Retail Jaimy Vegter 0421 323 102 33 Margaret Street, Wyong Contact Agent

127m2 – Medical/Consulting Jaimy Vegter 0421 323 102

2/319 Mann Street, Gosford $30,000 gross per annum plus GST

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