Funny business

A man comes to Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”

Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! He never had a chance!”

The man says, “I don’t know about that. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”

A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: “Have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the hobo.

“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.

A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.

“Could I have a few words with George?”

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”

“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.

“Impressive,” says the banker. “And what sort of case was that?”

“My father sued me for the money.”

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.

“Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”

I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.

“What does the word ‘contemplate’ mean?” the college student asked his English professor.

“Think about it,” the professor answered.

“Ugh!” the student groaned. “Can’t you just tell me?”

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.”

The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Thirty-six.”

The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”

“Yes,” replies the woman.

“Did you hit him with the golf club?”

“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.

“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.

“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Oh look, just put me down for five.”

Quote of the month

Irrepressible enthusiasm and the endurance to withstand setbacks seem to be crucial entrepreneurial trademarks.”

Dever Brown, The Entrepreneur’s Guide

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