Funny business

A BUSINESSMAN FLYING first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, “Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!” The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.

Later, they order an other round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, “Yeah, the service stinks!”

Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.”

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”

“What did he say?” the nurse asks.

“Oops.”

After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She then reassured him by adding, “Now, if you do everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”

In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. “Sir! You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector.

My father-in-law calmly shook his head. “That’s Mum’s side.”

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband.

“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.

“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.

“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”

A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”

Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon.

“George, everyone who sees it there will know what you’re doing,” she told him in front of their church group.

George ignored her and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house and left it there all night.

“Before coming here tonight I was discussing my talk with my wife and she said to me: ‘Don’t try to be too charming, too witty or too intellectual, just be yourself.’”

This guy is driving down the road one day, with twenty penguins in the back seat. Of course, he gets pulled over by a policeman who tells him that he can’t drive around with penguins in his car and that he should take them to the zoo. The guy says, “Yes, of course, officer” and drives off.

The next day though, the policeman pulls the same man over again and finds he is once more driving around with twenty penguins in the back of the car.

He says to the guy, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday.”

The guy says, “I did, officer. And today, I’m taking them to the movies.”

The first woman said, “Sometimes I find myself standing in front of the refrigerator holding a jar of mayonnaise and I can’t for the life of me remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich with it.”

The second woman then said, “Yes, I know what you mean. Sometimes I’ll be halfway up the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third woman then knocked her hand on the table and rather smugly said, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood.”

As she rapped her knuckles on the table, she said, “That must be someone at the door. I’ll get it!”

Quote of the month

“People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents.”

Andrew Carnegie

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