Funny Business

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.”

The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Thirty-six.”

The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”

“Yes,” replies the woman.

“Did you hit him with the golf club?”

“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.

“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.

“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Oh look, just put me down for five.”

When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat.

Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, “I’m sorry I gave you a jolt— it was my fault.”

“No, it was mine,” the driver said. “This is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.”

One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sisterin-law had a question about one of the appetizers. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, “Where do you get your mussels?”

The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, “Cross-training?”

Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.

“What are you complaining about?” he fires back. “You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year.”

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder.

“Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, “she’s there.”

A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor.

“Is that the dog we’re supposed to be aware of?” he asks the owner.

“That’s him,” comes the reply.

“He doesn’t look at all dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”

“Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, “Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!” The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.

Later, they order an other round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, “Yeah, the service stinks!”

Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.”

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”

“What did he say?” the nurse asks.

“Oops.”

Quote of the month

“Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.”

Charles F. Kettering

GROWING A BUSINESS IS JUST HARD.

We can help make your journey easier and pro table. From developing your brand, to creating stand-out collateral and elevating your digital marketing, we deliver stunning design and marketing know-how to connect you with your next client. Whether you need a simple yer or a full marketing plan, make Graphic By Design your next call.

MARKETING / BRAND / PRINT / DIGITAL+WEB 02 4365 6777 graphicbydesign.com.au