A Way of Being with Children Manual Preview by Center4ChildCounseling

A Way of Being with Children A Trauma-Informed Approach to Building Resilience

ACEs & Resiliency Screening

Skills & Activities

Communication & Limit-Setting Exercises

Foreword We believe it is every child’s right to grow up feeling safe and nurtured in communities where they can thrive. Center for Child Counseling was founded in 1999 with this vision in mind. Our work started in Palm Beach County childcare centers, providing therapeutic support for young children experiencing adversity and trauma, while equipping their caregivers with effective practices for building social-emotional well-being and resilience. Since that time, our work has expanded beyond childcare centers to schools, the community, and the child welfare system. We work with children birth to age 18 and their caregivers. One of our primary goals is to help providers, educators, caregivers, and child-serving systems to shift their practice (or their ‘way of being’ with children, families, and communities who have experienced adversity and trauma) from a “What’s wrong with you?” to a “What happened to you?” approach. We go much deeper than that, of course. We use a prevention and healing-centered lens that focuses on changing the systems and practices that keep adversity and trauma firmly in place. Building resilience by buffering and healing the impact of early adversity and trauma is at the core of our approach. The science of early adversity tells us that in the absence of protective relationships, toxic stress in childhood can change the architecture of the developing brain. It impacts everything--classroom behaviors, learning and comprehension, the ability to self-regulate--and can dramatically heighten the risk for future mental and physical health concerns. Our work is based on decades of research. We work in partnership with the families and communities we serve, interacting with children in their most natural state of being: when they are at play. This manual has been developed over the past twenty years, based on our work in communities. It is grounded in science, guided by the voices of the families we have helped, and founded on 'best practice' principles using a traumainformed, racial-equity lens. 'A Way of Being' represents a shift - a trauma-informed approach to working with children - and each other. It provides the foundation for shifting everyday practice to support children's social-emotional well-being to build lifelong resilience.

Contents Section 1: Attitude & Acceptance Attitude and Acceptance of the Child The Power of the Parent, Teacher, and Caregiver Creating Acceptance of the Child The Caregiver-Child Relationship Attachment Why Secure Attachment is so Important Extended Family Key Lessons from Section 1

1 2 3 5 7 8 9 10

Section 2: Knowledge The Changing Child Stages of Childhood Development Brain (Neurosequential) Development A Child's Brain Development The Impact of Stress on the Developing Child ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) ACEs (Adverse Community Environments) Using a Racial Equity Lens Positive Community Environments Brain Gender Differences Resiliency and Emotional Intelligence Sensory Integration The 7 Sensory Modalities The 4 As of Infancy and the Young Child Sensory Avoidance and Sensory Seeking The Power of Play Developmental Skills Learned Through Play Structure in the Classroom Designing a Calming Down Corner Three Basic Concepts for Listening Understanding Reflective Listening How to Create Good Reflection Examples of Reflective Listening The Use of Encouragement Setting Limits Steps in Setting Limits Empowering the Relationship with Choices Key Lessons from Section 2

11 13 16 17 19 20 21 22 24 27 29 31 32 33 35 36 37 40 41 42 43 44 45 48 50 51 53 56

Section 3: Skills Entering the Child’s World Themes Revealed Through Play Putting it All Together Key Lessons from Section 3

59 60 61 66

Appendices

How to Use This Manual The goal of this manual is to help people view their interactions with children in a whole new way. We hope this information will assist you to hone your skills and improve or enhance your interactions with children so that you can help them fulfill their potential. There are three specific areas of expertise we hope to share. For that reason, this manual is divided into three sections. Each section has a clearly identified learning objective and includes exercises to help you practice your new skills. We've also included practical strategies you can use in the classroom and beyond.

1 Gain knowledge in the power of attitude and acceptance in relationships with children Increase your ability to recognize the importance of suspending judgement of children's behavior Increase your acceptance of a child as he or she is Increase your knowledge of attachment styles Increase your understanding of the importance of the teacher-child relationship

2 Gain knowledge of early childhood development through a trauma-informed equity lens Increase your ability to recognize the impact trauma has on development Increase your knowledge of stages of childhood development Increase your knowledge of the importance of adult-child relationship on brain development Increase your knowledge of core elements that impact positive developmental outcomes for children Gain knowledge of resiliency characteristics in children

3 Increase skills to promote positive relationships and optimize learning in the classroom Gain knowledge in the importance of play in children Increase your knowledge in developmental skills that are learned in play Increase your knowledge of skills and themes in play therapy

4 Test your skills by completing the exercises indicated in yellow. Answers and insights can be found in the Appendices section at the back of this manual.

Section 1

Attitude & Acceptance Your Attitude Attitude governs how we perceive the world and what we expect of ourselves and others. These inner perceptions and thoughts color how we feel about ourselves and the way we act towards our family, friends, colleagues, and children. Our attitude is subjective. It is not a fact or permanent; it can be changed. For example: A crying child can be seen as difficult, scared, angry, spoiled, or selfish. If we assume or decide that the child is bad based on the fact that they are crying, the crying can cause us to respond harshly. Alternatively, if we see the crying as a demonstration that the child is struggling in that moment to express themselves based on an underlying need, we can show empathy. In both instances, the child is crying, but the attitude we choose to have about the situation will determine the nature of our our response.

Below are some questions you can ask yourself about your attitude towards and acceptance of the children you work with. Remember to be honest. This is only for you. 1. How do I feel about myself? Can I use a word or sentence to describe who I am? 2. How do I feel about being a parent? A teacher? Do I like my position, or do I resent what I am doing? 3. How would I define my work and why? Consider the following statement options: My work is a duty or job… I do my work, because I must pay the bills. My work is a career… I am going to get ahead. I plan to move up the career ladder, so I need to watch what others do and learn from them to keep advancing. My work is a calling… I have a passion for my work; this is what I want to do. I want to see children thrive and grow to their full potential.

Acceptance of the Child

4. As a caregiver, teacher, or parent, how do I feel about my children when they are difficult?

Acceptance means seeing people for who and what they are without preconceived attitudes. When we choose to accept people, we avoid passing judgment or imposing our opinions on them. Acceptance involves attempting to suspend judgment and being open to possibilities.

5. What is my “signature strength” in raising or working with my children?

These two ideas—attitude and acceptance—go hand in hand. They are two sides of the same coin. Our attitude often determines our ability and willingness to accept others and suspend judgment.

6. Am I willing to be open to new ideas?

The Power of the Parent, Teacher, and Caregiver How Our Attitude Affects Children Often, we do not realize the impact our attitude and words have on the children we care for, work with, and teach. Nonverbal communications such as facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice add to the meaning of those words. Harsh words said in a harsh manner can create fear, anxiety, or aggression in a young child. Kind words tell the child that they are valued, capable, and safe. The words you use determine whether the relationship with your child (or classroom) is based on fear and insecurity or safety and security. Your attitude is what creates a negative or positive relationship with the children in your care.

What kind of relationship do you want with your children? A fear-based relationship or a caring relationship based on acceptance and mutual respect?

List words or statements that would cause a child to feel that you do not care, do not like them, or are telling them that they are bad.

List words or statements that would cause a child to feel good about themselves and be happy with you.

Can you recall something that someone said to you (either good or bad) when you were young that you still remember to this day? ____________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Does it feel as good or bad as it did the moment it was said? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ 2

Creating Acceptance of Children

(even when you have a hard time with their behavior) Acceptance is at the heart of developing good relationships with children. Your acceptance will be clearly felt by a child and will allow them to feel comfortable being themselves, thus creating an environment in which they will thrive. Cultivating a positive attitude and nurturing a spirit of acceptance within ourselves takes practice. For many, it does not come naturally; it may take quite some time to develop. It requires patience with yourself and others. However, there are ways you can practice these skills and improve them. Always remember that the goal is to manage your attitude and create acceptance.

You can practice the following ways of perceiving the world: Accept the child as he or she is See the child as a whole person, beyond his or her behavior. Behavior is the best a child can do to respond to a situation at any given time. Acceptance is just the starting point; by accepting the child you are valuing the person not the behavior. For example, when a child screams in the classroom out of anger, you can accept that the child is feeling the emotion of anger in that moment without judging them, even though the behavior of screaming in the classroom is unacceptable and will need to be managed.

Suspend judgment Suspending judgment means not labeling the child as good or bad. You cannot effect change if someone has already made you believe: "I am bad". By suspending judgment, a child feels safe to change. Children learn about themselves from the attitudes and words of the adults around them.

Do not assume you know what the child is feeling or thinking Unfortunately, none of us have super powers. You cannot get into another person's head and determine exactly what they're thinking. You can make educated guesses, but even your best educated guesses are only your own thoughts. You should not project any assumptions about what the child is feeling or thinking.

Know that the child is not picking on you when he or she acts out; they are doing the best they can in the moment If children knew what was bothering them or had the words to express their concerns, they would not act out. When a child is acting out, they are expressing their inability to cope in that moment. Focus on the child's positive qualities and on helping them build the skills so that they no longer need to act out to get your attention.You are doing this work to help teach children how to cope with events that can be confusing to them. You need to be a detective to understand what is driving a child's behavior.

Allow the child to be your teacher Pay attention: The child can teach you about his or her world when you follow their lead. Flexibility is key. When you enter a child's world, you learn about them as an individual. You will better understand their preferences, their favorite toys or activities, and why these are so special to them. For example: You may notice that a child loves playing with dolls and assuming a parenting role. You might choose to give this child an opportunity to grow their nurturing skills by giving them a small role like helping new children get settled into the classroom.

Do not take your own problems to the child As human beings, we all experience challenges and frustrations along with all the normal emotions associated with those experiences. It's sometimes hard to leave our personal experiences and emotions at the classroom door but it's important that we don't end up imposing our problems or concerns onto the child. Clearly separate in your mind the difference between your feelings and thoughts, and those of the child.

Focus on “what is” instead of “what was” or "what if" Be with the child in the moment and do not think about what he or she has been/done in the past or may be/do in the future. Stay in the present and practice being mindful (this means being conscious and taking a sensible, accepting, and non-judgmental focus on what is occurring in the present). By being "in the now", you can avoid labeling the child. When a child feels free of the stigma and burden of a label, you may well see an increase in positive behaviors.

Believe that the child can break the bonds of current limitations The child can change if you accept their starting point and always embrace the possibility of change. We all need a champion at times; we all want someone to be on our side. For a child, simply knowing that someone else believes they can do it can be enough to encourage them to try and, ultimately, succeed.

Believe the child is able to learn, wants to learn, and will learn Children are naturally curious when they feel safe in their environment. If you create a safe, nonjudgmental space where the child feels free to be themselves, they will open up, explore, express themselves, and thrive. Remember that safety goes far beyond physical security; true security involves the freedom to learn about oneself, express oneself, and fully be oneself free from the fear of both internal and external judgment.