Communicating Effectively

What messages do you deliver to others, especially when under stress, through your facial and body language, your tone of voice and use of words?

Virginia Satir, who was a universallyknown therapist, regarded as the “mother” of family therapy, deeply understood the impact that communication styles had on interpersonal relationships. She suggested that there are four commonly used communication strategies or behaviors that people use, especially in stressful situations. I think readers will quickly recognize some, and maybe all of them.

COPING

BEHAVIOR 1: BLAMING

“It’s all your fault!”, “Come on, what’s your problem?”, “I am NOT angry!!!” Many blamers talk in this way. Their tone of voice sounds anxious, angry, or frustrated. Their attitude appears forceful and aggressive. The feelings they often experience are frustration, anger, distrust, discontent, repressed hurt and loneliness. When under stress, they are inclined to actively try to control others and situations, which may intimidate people. They value the context of the problem and their own perceptions and feelings. However, the perceptions and feelings of others tend to be ignored by them. Blamers are clever for achieving leadership and have strong, aggressive energy. If, however, they are made aware of their aggressive coping behaviors, they will be able to communicate more effectively.

COPING

BEHAVIOR 2: PLACATING

“It’s all my fault!”, “Sorry, sorry, I should have….”, “Whatever you like, I like.”, “Please, I can’t do it without you.”, “Would you please stop being angry at me?”. A person who uses placating behaviors to diffuse tension or conflict, even when they are not to blame, uses tones that show nervousness, being overly cautious, and even fearful. The emotions they often experience are sadness, selfpity, helplessness, anxiety, sensitivity, hurt, and repressed anger. They tend to feel less important or less valuable than others. Such individuals place high value on maintaining harmony within relationships, despite the cost of repressing their own feelings, needs and/or rights. They are caring, gentle and friendly, but these resources are frequently applied to others, but sadly not to themselves.

COPING BEHAVIOR 3: BEING SUPER-CAUTIOUS

Thinking patterns or internal conversations within an overly cautious person may include: “I need to be logical and rational at all times and not show emotion.” The conversational tones that cautious people use are calm, controlled and extremely formal and polite. However, their facial expression may be rigid. They are rarely in tune with their emotions. Colleagues and peers regard them as being smart, intelligent, efficient and scrupulous about information and details.

COPING BEHAVIOR 4: RESPONDING IN AN IRRELEVANT MANNER

When facing conversational stress or confrontation, some individuals will try to change the subject, or divert the conversation away from the topic that is causing conversational conflict.

If an individual is unaware of what coping strategies or behaviors are being put into action, they may think that the individual using them is quite odd, or even disrespectful. Tones used may sound unnaturally relaxed or frivolous. When this type of coping behavior becomes a habit, they find it hard to deal with conflict effectively.

These coping behaviors do have a positive side

Even though blaming, placating, super-cautious and irrelevant conversational behaviors are less effective when communicating with others (especially when under stress), they do have their strengths.

Virginia Satir recommended adding positive strategies and coping behaviors to a person’s way of communicating. Once these are practiced and in place, the individual will begin to notice positive shifts in conversational outcomes. Additional rewards will be internal shifts of awareness and selfrespect, becoming more grounded, confident and emotionally aware.

Tips

Before speaking, check-in to see how tense your body is. Do a few relaxation movements to ease your body’s tension. Take slow, deep breaths.

If a conversation suddenly becomes stressful, place your hands quietly next to your body and speak in an attentive and relaxed manner. Keep your eyes at the same level as the eyes of the person whom you are going to talk to, so that you can see and relate to them better. Speak slowly, calmly and with care. Enroll in meditation classes or watch on-line videos. With time and practice, noticeable shifts will occur, and those awkward or stressful conversations will be handled with greater ease.

Dr. I-Wen Chan is a licensed psychologist both in Taiwan and Maryland USA. She uses an integrated approach composed of Satir Model and mindfulness to work with individuals challenged with depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and adjustment issues.