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Esther / Gloria

Written by Esther Besson |Edited by Yashvi Grover | Layout by Annika Pyo

Inspired by Echo’s “Solange/Maneesha,” a piece discussing the fracture in the relationship between two best friends, “Esther/Gloria” navigates through an unknowingly important college friendship between Esther Besson and Editorial Print Editor Gloria Ampadu-Darko, and its roots, both old and new, to Charcoal. Written not only as dedication to friendship, this piece is also a self-reflection of Esther’s journey with her vulnerability.

We connected so easily

We chose the same first-year writing class, but I didn’t know how impactful that choice would be. I didn’t know that I would meet my first friend in college through that class, a bond that blossomed despite the fact we were screens apart.

And even when we drifted apart in the spring, you reached back in the summer to offer me a place with your friends. You stretched out a hand to save me from drowning in the eerie waters of college. We transitioned from sharing screens to sharing bathrooms. We started our days with ‘good morning’s’ and sharing plans, and ended with late nights full of laughs.

Through these moments, I admired the passion, ambition, and confidence that you embodied in your life . You had a natural radiance that seeped out, as you could hold conversations with anybody. Talking to you was effortless, but only when I avoided depth. You were always vulnerable with me, but I never found comfort in being vulnerable with you. Sometimes, I couldn’t fathom if we were truly friends, because there were so many things I never told you.

I was a moon and you were a shooting star. You could crack my surface, but nothing more.

A year ago, you asked me to come watch your performance at Charcoal’s launch party. At the time, I was just a friend who wanted to support you, but as I entered that space, I got sucked into this galaxy of creativity and curated vulnerability.

I was completely captivated by what I read, what I watched, and what I saw. Charcoal captivated me in the way that you captivated me as a person. Always shining on the everyday stage, but also reminding me of the distance between us.

Just as I was shrouded in the audience watching you that night, I shrouded everything about myself that I thought no one would ever care about– my passions, my wishes, my struggles, my soul. I hid it all because I never wanted anyone to get too close. I wanted to block the eventual hurt and rejection. Back then, I was petrified to call you my friend because I didn’t think you would ever call me yours. But, how could you say I was your friend if you never knew who I was?

It was the same with Charcoal: an enthralling night sky that I thought I could only admire from the ground below. Self-doubt and intimidation stopped me from getting involved for so long. What do you do when you feel like a fraud, that you won’t belong? Countering self-doubt is a challenge that I face every morning, and some days I lose, like when I missed out on being vulnerable and becoming better friends with you. But some days, I win that freedom to do what I want. Like joining Charcoal, but I couldn’t have done it without you and our other friends encouraging me to take that chance.

And so we switched places that spring; I got to be onstage while you watched from afar. But I don’t regret any of it, because even though you weren’t here, I found this space to grow into my own light.

Now we’ve reached our third year together, but on a different stage. A stage where we work together in Charcoal. Where I have the chance to show up as your friend the way you showed up for me last year. To walk you through this sometimes confusing process, hearing and pushing for your ideas in a universe that requires you to be vulnerable with yourself and others. You shine differently when you’re vulnerable, but it’s a light that we can shine together.

There may never be enough words to express my gratitude towards our friendship. From that first text you sent me, so many wonderful parts of my life formed, Charcoal being one of many. Cheers to us and may our friendship continue to fulfill us both.

Esther Besson (she/her) is a Haitian-American poet, model, and artist from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She is a junior majoring in Political Science with a minor in Architectural History. Outside of her studies, Esther loves spending time with her friends, holding photoshoots, and watching *good* documentaries. She is eternally thankful to Charcoal Magazine for continuing to provide a safe and welcoming space for her creative expressions, and she aspires to release her own poetry book in the future.