The Spoke
Editors Martin Sigelow Arielle Walzer
Treasurer Noah Levy
Article Writers Steven Burgess Kristen Ellingboe Josh Jacobs Jake Krakovsky Martin Krafft Noah Levy Stephen Marshall Simon Mettler Gabriel Nahmias Noah Levy Madison Poche Martin Sigelow Jefferson Sporn Charlie Watts (jk) Arielle Walzer Ariel Wolpe
Photo Models
Hannah Rose Blakely, Kristen Ellingboe, Kristen’s sorority sisters Tricia Francisco, Alexis Gilbert, Joey Guinta, Rhett Henry Rhett’s girlfriend, Destiny, Jake “Hide yo’ Kitties” Krakovsky Chelsea Kaplan, Joanna Kaye, Mr. Mar,A Diseased Lung Simon Mettler, Caitlin Murphy, Madison Poche Wee Thomas, Ariel Wolpe
Letter From the Editor Head Man Did you know that the Spoke humor magazine used to be one of the top five funniest college satirical magazines in the US? We’ve come a long way – downwards – since then. I don’t think we could even be considered in the rankings anymore; that would require some sort of consistency of publication which we have failed to achieve. You might be thinking, “Who are these assholes to make fun of me and the rest of Emory? We’re a top 20 university, you asshole! They can’t even get their shit together to print a freaking magazine. After all, the Wheel prints two issues every week!” In our defense, the Spoke staff views laziness as a virtue, a state of mind hard-earned to maintain, in which things are expected to work out regardless of whether or not any work is done to achieve them. This is a good strategy for living a less stressful life, but not necessarily the most effective for getting a magazine published. Nevertheless, we have persevered – after many, many months of silence, the Spoke has risen again, like a phoenix from the ashes, to squawk outcries against all the follies of Emory, its inequalities and thoughtlessness. The product of our less than hard work is in front of you.
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mory Dining Initiative
To create a more sustainable campus, Emory’s Office of Sustainability has recently partnered with the Food Services Administration to ask overweight students to please not eat so much. Thus, the Fat Free Emory campaign was born as a needed milestone for the Office to fulfill their pledge to source 75% of the student body’s meals from within 100 miles on campus by 2015. It recently came to light this goal was “nearly impossible” and that the departments might have bitten off more than they could chew. Rather than source more food locally, the Office restrategized to direct efforts to decrease the amount of food consumed on campus- targeting the most visible segment. “As part of our Emory’s As Fat Free Place Initative, we are considering removing the elevator to the DUC Cafeteria to discourage lazy students from making the trek up to the all-you-can-eat dining hall” said one Emory Food Service Administrator. Greek Physique co-chair Marty Crafter is also on board. “As a representative of 30% of the student body, Greek Life is glad to partner with the Office of Sustainability to stigmatize weight gain and ultimately give back to our earth,” he announced at a recent philanthropy event. At the same time, Emory has also cut back on the PE requirements, with the idea that if students are exercising less, they will use less energy and subsequently eat less food. Sodexo General Manager Joe Richard, however, doubts the efficiency of this plan. He candidly told The Spoke, “The relaxed PE requirements are definitely going to have a ripple effect on students’ attitudes towards food. According to research at similar schools, we expect the Freshmen 15 to start looking a bit more like 23. Those kids are going to get fat, and that means more food.” He ended out interview with the unofficial Sodexo motto, “Remember, students: a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.” He further added, “It’s essential for the quality of the food Sodexo offers that its workers be prevented from unionizing. That would undermine the values of fair play and hard work that our country was founded on!”
In a demonstration last week, the Association of Sodexo, affectionately known as A.S.S., vocally criticized Emory’s food supplier Sodexo for giving workers too many rights. “Sodexo has stagnated its policy reform to the point of being ineffectual,” commented A.S.S. president Harold O. L. Enrique “This corporate conglomerate’s willing ignorance of the cries of downtrodden and oppressed workers is a step in the right direction, but changes are not nearly happening fast enough. Rather than being INACTIVE and letting heinous personal freedoms simply remain, Sodexo should play an active role in suppressing the undesirable elements in its workers base.” Enrique warned the Spoke that “we are missing vital chances to improve the Emory community,” changes
ing Workers’ Rights
Association in Support of Sodexo Protests Remain-
that can only be achieved by “being a huge dick.” Citing philosophers such as Mary Ann Glendon, a prominent scholar in the field of jurisprudence, A.S.S. distributes a weekly pamphlet called the Knowing Insights and Creating Kindness (the A.S.S. K.I.C.K.), where it downplays the importance of rights allocation in contemporary politics. These pamphlets reference organizations such as Amnesty International, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) as undermining the foundations of an American society founded upon “Property, Liberty, and the pursuit of more Property.” Although their actions to curtail excess worker’s rights such as the max 40 hour workweek and child labor laws have gone relatively unheeded, The Association is confident its cries will be heard. “A.S.S. is working with President Wagner to arrive at a solution fair and favorable to all parties,” Enrique said. “Except the workers, obviously.” Dooley indicated his support for the Association in an interview, using such phrases as “good for the economy,” “back in my day,” and occasionally “in their place…” According to official policy, A.S.S. “is open to new and interested members.” “No prior experience in activism is required!” remarked Enrique. “Although it might help to practice kicking some puppies, or spitting on homeless people.” According to Joseph A. Diaz, head of SWS: “A.S.S. organization springs from the material conditions that favor those controlling the means of production. Our 5 year plan is in motion. When the revolution comes, they will be left behind.”
The Pan-Hellenic Promise Struggling to figure out how your excessive drinking habits could lead you to a job after college? Need an excuse to wear tank tops branded with witty and thought-provoking phrases like, “Talk Derby to me?” Do you long to be defined by three letters of an extinct language? If you answered yes to any of these questions, Greek life could be the place for you! Thirty three percent of undergrads at Emory participate in the formative shitstorm that is Greek life. Mr. Aristotle Socrates and his Grecian peers initially came up with the idea of forming a fraternity in ancient Greece when several other significantly more mediocre bros attempted to associate themselves with Aristotle and his crew. “We were looking for a way to wear the same t-shirts, legitimize alcohol induced blackouts, and make inappropriate and careless passes at women without having other unworthy dudes salting our game,” Aristotle tells the Spoke in an exclusive interview. And out of such a byzantine dream fraternities were born. Greek life today promises its participants copious amounts of practical items such as beer cozies, lacrosse pinnies, and neon hats branded with the letters of each organization. Greek life also gives its participants an excuse to not associate with any person not affiliated with three letters of the Greek alphabet*, and to be uncontrollably belligerent at any sporting event. Aristotle talks openly about his initial skepticism when the first few abrasive women came up with the idea of sororities. He and his bros worried that the establishment of such groups would spark some sort of gender equality stint. “It turns out sororities became an efficient way to perpetuate the marginalization and degradation of the female sex. It was much easier for us to distinguish between worthy and unworthy slampieces after they
had organized themselves into separate sororities,” Aristotle explains. He speaks proudly of the state of Modern Greek life, “My only regret is that my bros and I didn’t have the engineering prowess to invent the beer bong. But I am proud of my little little bros for that one. It has expedited the debauchery process more than I ever imagined possible.” Emory senior Zach Cohen comments on the beneficial role Greek life has played in shaping his entire life course, “Over Homecoming weekend I beat this alum in a case race and then I let him pass out on my futon, so he hired me to work in his investment banking firm after I graduate in May. Just brothers taking care of brothers, that’s what it’s all about.” *These people are known as GDIs and much like muggles in Harry Potter, they are considerably inferior to those involved in Greek life, and should not be trusted or acknowledged.
Smoking Ban Eased
Zombie Outbreak at Emory
Due to complaints about the harshness of Emory’s smoking ban and its infringement on personal liberties, Emory administration has eased the smoking ban by allowing students to smoke in specified areas. Located strategically around campus, these areas are highly visible and conveniently located, similar in appearance to glass boxes. These “Safe Smoke” zones are in accordance with all safety and health regulations, complete with a ventilation hole the size of a large orange, to keep the smoke from negatively affecting any innocent passersby.
From open graves at the Oxford Cemetery and “Free Brains!” nights at the DUC, there is evidence all across campus of the recent zombie outbreak at Emory. Begun when Lord James W. Dooley got sick of being the sole undead person on campus, zombification now affects 1 in 5 Emory students, faculty, and staff. “It was cool being the only guy who ‘goes on forever’ for a while, but frankly, it got a little dull,” Dooley told The Spoke. “So I went to the graves of some Emory Confederate soldiers and got them to join me.” While Lord Dooley initially created just three zombies, many more followed within days, including Goodrich C. White and Robert Woodruff. The gang swarmed students smoking outside of the Woodruff Library. President Wagner, who has voluntarily quarantined himself in his Lullwater Park mansion, released a statement on Tuesday. “The recent zombie attack on smokers is just one more reason that our decision to make Emory a smoke-free campus was an excellent decision,” he wrote. As more and more members of the community have become affected, many of the zombies have grown disillusioned by the quality of the remaining food. “Blaaargh! Rargag ranzagh mrraazh,” said the zombie formerly known as SGA president Adam McCall. “Blerrrg Harrrverm braam Werrshuu braaaainz!” The Spoke has confirmed that McCall’s words translate to: “I love to eat brains, so I really should have gone to a better school like Harvard or Wash U.” The Center for Disease Control and Prevention said it is looking into the cause of the outbreak. The CDC director confirmed that this is indeed a true epidemic, unlike the “Zombie Scare of ’07,” which turned out to just be a group of unkempt freshmen enjoying red meat at Cox Hall.
Students wishing to smoke must swipe their IDs to enter the Safe Smoke zone, at which point a siren goes off to warn students to be on the lookout for second-hand smoke as the smoker enters the zone. “I want to ease students into the idea of not smoking on campus,” spoke President Wagner at an assembly of wheezing, gum-stained smokers. “I hope that we can work through this together, so that one day, students will decide of their own volition that smoking is an evil and harmful act.” As part of the safety measures of the Safe Smoke zone, students who decide to smoke will be required to wear dunce caps on their head whenever smoking. Wagner, however, has pledged a commitment to providing dunce caps for the smokers, free of charge. Smokers were unavailable for comment on the policy, as they were all too busy coughing due to severe cases of emphysema.
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MORY ESTBALISHES SUPPORT GROUP FOR BESTIALITY
Following the arrest of a woman earlier this year for alleged bestiality, the Emory administration has decided to take a public health approach to dealing with the problem, with an ever growing number of supporters from Emory students and administration. The support group, Animal Lovers Ashamed No More, is designed to help people deal with criticism and to help these adults realize that they are not alone. Emory rejects the police enforcement method of reducing bestiality. Tina Mcdowell, head of undergraduate PACE activities told the spoke “Criminalization only drives the problem underground. Plus, based on a survey we conducted in a freshman PACE class, the Emory Police do not have the manpower to legally enforce against all cases of bestiality. Petting zoos aren’t just popular for little kids, you know?” This movement has the support of the scientific community. “Love is largely a biological phenomenon, driven extensively by individual brain states following from birth and uncontrollable physical antecedents,” said Keith Easterling of the NBB department. “If a person is biologically wired to find a squirrel attractive, that is not something they can change. Consequently there is no need to lead draconian crackdowns against people pursuing their love interest. Isn’t that right, Tilda?” We should note that this last comment was addressed to his poodle. “Now that I’ve come out, my friends won’t look at me weird when I go to zoos all the time,” said junior Jill Greenspan. “It is amazing how all tolerance goes out the window when you admit to being what they call a ‘duck-fucker.’” She shivered. “It’s nice to be able to live normally again, without slighting glances and people making quacking noises behind my back. This is a place where I can feel at home.” “This group,” President Wagner said in an exclusive interview with the Spoke, “exemplifies the sort of tolerant and diverse community atmosphere that Emory is all about. We need to be open and respectful of all the animal lovers out there.” “I mean humans are animals too, aren’t they?” said freshman Armaan Sikand. “Why is it our place to say that a horse can’t be beautiful? The noble head, the rippling muscles … Ride ‘em, cowboy!” “It remains to be seen whether bestiality will create its own community like the gay pride movement did,” said Michael Shutt of LGBT life. “But Emory has shown it can be tolerant in so many other respects. It is not a stretch to imagine it being tolerant yet again. We’ve taken into consideration adding a letter to the acronym, LGBT, making it LGBTB, for bestiophyle.” The group is not, however, universally endorsed. Many still think “this is fucking gross” (Julia Enthoven, freshman), “it’s actually against the law” (Robin Grace of Emory Police) or “we might actually be right this time guys” (an anonymous campus Republican). Adam McCall reportedly attempted to enter the group, but swiftly left after being told that what he routinely slept was in fact a sorority sophomore named “Tiffany.”
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chool Supplies Vending Machine Questioned as Health Risk
Not many undergraduates have ever wondered whether the school supplies vending machine on the First Floor of the Woodruff Library is a convenience or death trap. However, last Friday’s incident has caused administrators to reevaluate the safety of the device when handled by idiots. Said incident began when college freshman Hank Boff approached the vending machine, purchased a pack of pencils, and attempted to his purchase after undoing the wrapping. The machine is located next to the foreign language section, and nearby students assumed that the “bghooooooo!” sound was just practice for an oral presentation in his Chinese class. Onlookers did not realize that he was choking until he clutched his throat. Somebody proceeded to call for a doctor, and a horde of pre-med students swarmed upon him. One student ran over to the Heimlich maneuver section and began slapping his back with the heaviest book he could find. Meanwhile, the rest of the students continued to fight over who was the most qualified to assist the victim, talking about different summer programs they had attended and number of times they had shadowed a doctor. The janitor, a failed medical student himself, became frustrated with the collective inaction and proceeded to perform the Heimlich maneuver on the ailing student. On top of concerns about the machine, pre-health administrators are now wondering whether Emory’s programs are actually preparing undergrads for the real world. “We need to coach our students on how to act in the moment,” explained a man with a lot of experience playing doctor, “so that they’re prepared for the ridiculous shit that their patients will pull.” Other officials have been relatively
silent about the incident, explaining that it’s “a lot to swallow.” Some speculation has been raised that Boff’s decision to eat the pencils was an act of rebellion against the poor quality of Emory’s dining selection. Boff himself asserts that, “I was tripping balls on shrooms at the time. I thought those pencils were a King of Pops Chocolate Popsicle, and hell, if I could get one for less than three dollars I wasn’t about to second-guess myself. What a disappointment!”
Dispatches from thefrom Dooley Diaries Dispatches Dooley The following excerpts are from a journal discovered deep in the Baker Woodlands. Many pages were torn, missing, or soaked in what, according to experts, tastes like eagle blood. The author(s) have yet to be identified. I’m getting close. I just know it. I’ve been devoted to this quest for years, living every moment of every day with one purpose: to unmask the truth behind Lord James W. Dooley. I scoured the library archives, pouring over old issues of the Emory Phoenix. I tracked down every Dooley guard I could find, and interrogated them all only to find out that they don’t know anything! I smashed their sunglasses, and tickled them until their face showed some kind of expression only to learn that they were just as clueless as I was. I covered my walls with Dooley’s Week T-Shirts and paraphernalia, in search of some kind of a connection. Some semblance of a sign. After months of inactivity, I think I’ve found it.
Following the clues I found hidden between the lines of last week’s Emory Wheel crossword, I discovered a secret meeting between Swoop the Eagle and Oxford Dooley— James W’s decrepit older brother. As I squatted in the bushes outside of Zaya, shoving fistful after fistful of hummus down my gullet, I overheard a plot that would put Guy Fawkes to shame. Laundering Dooley Dollars. Mascot Eugenics. Something about…jeggings. But what does it all mean? What does it MEAN? If you are reading this, you must tell the world what is contained within these pages. I have been captured and don’t know how much time remains until my captors’ return, so I must be brief. Analyzing semen samples found in the Dooley statue’s top hat, I discovered traces of bacteria known only to grow in the caverns underneath Woodruff Library. I followed a trail of Coca-Cola through the tunnels—knowing that I had to be close. The trail led me to a massive doorway, whose surface was carved from top to bottom with mysterious runes and glyphs, intricate patterns. I laughed at their feeble attempts at security. “How do you say ‘friend’ in Hebrew?” I chuckled to myself. With a whisper of “Chaver” the door swung open. Now, dear readers, if you scare easily then you’ll probably want to put down this article and continue living in blissful ignorance of the horrors that occur below your feet. Once inside, my nostrils were accosted with the distinct odor of bone meal. I found myself in a laboratory filled from end to end with massive glass cases, all of which contained a liquid that most liberal arts major would just call icky.
Arousing Prestige It is a shameful moment when we admit to a prospec tive student that Emory is not known for its night life. My most memorable foursome included a gay MusCompared to state schools and Ivy Leagues, our Greek lim from Pakistan, a black Christian from Alabama, parties are tame, our downtown venues frequented a Hindu with amazing bone structure, and me, the by the same dull groups night after night. However, daughter of a Jewish couple with Buddhist tendenif you slip into the right crowd at the right time, you cies from the City of Brotherly Love. I admit, I have will quickly discover that Emory University has the always been extremely aroused by interfaith relations, kinkiest, sexiest, downright most carnal undergraduate and in combination with such steamy man-on-man acstudent population of any institution you could hope to tion I experienced the most intense thirty consecutive attend. orgasms of my life. The Hindu practiced oral Tantra That can’t be so, you think as you look up from on my pot of gold while the Muslim rocked underyour Spoke magazine at the docile population mulling neath the Christian, moaning, “sodomize me.” It was around you. These lovely, respectable students surely quite a libidinous 10 hours, an ecstatic marathon under know nothing other than the missionary position. But the full moon of Tlazolteotl. it is a façade, my innocent friend. I once saw things So the next time you are horny at a party, don’t as you do, thrown off by the towering percentage of settle for a bathroom quickie. Ask if anyone wants to abstinent Christian virgins at frat parties, disappointed visit a hole where the sun don’t shine, and you may be in the rarity of girl-on-girl action during pre-games. lucky enough to find your way to The Devil’s Den. Or My sexual encounters were less then pleasurable and if your mainstream outfit or hair-style inhibits strangrapidly culminated in my partner’s anti-climactic ers from exposing their freaky side, I encourage you ejaculation. I feared that my tight figure and supple to initiate your own lecherous locale. Come friends: breasts would waste away without ever being grabbed together we shall craft the arousing prestige of Emory and twisted by more than a pair of timid, school-boy University. hands. After too many of these frustrating nights I discovered that is it not on frat row, or in the dorms that the truly lewd emerges. My languishing lust Emory Upholds was finally stoked at a seemingly quiet neighborhood Commitment to house called “The Devil’s Den,” run by the animalist counter-culture group, Zeta Alpha Alpha. Environment If you’ve ever been to the Devil’s Den, you’ll know it is a fire-filled pit of erotic activity. I personally With Emory’s sustainability initiative to reduce enhave participated in three orgies, one totaling six men, ergy usage by 25% per square foot by 2015 still far six women, and two transgenders. On a calmer night, from being met, the Emory administration has enacted I am partial to low-key threesomes, with a less attracseveral austerity measures to more forcibly reduce the tive student or two watching for their own pleasure. campus’s carbon footprint. The Den is well equipped with toys of every shape, size and material, including sex slings, dildos, whips, The first step, an innovative “lights out after 10” chains, butt plugs, anal beads, cock rings, vibrators, policy, will be enforced on the 8th of December and sex-dolls, handcuffs, harnesses, strap-ons, ropes, lubri- remain in effect for the rest of the school year. Eleccants, and edibles such as chocolate and hot sauce. tricity will be shut down on campus after 10 pm, and The Den has a dancing pole, a metal cage, a baby pool turned back on at 7:30 am in the morning, when most of pickled poop, and a small farm in the back to satisfy students will still be asleep and not able to use it anythose with bestial tendencies. Whatever wanton sex way. As another bold measure, heating in the freshyou are into, The Den curtails judgment, and even ofmen residence halls will be restricted to only a limited fers demon protection to block God’s sight. number of rooms, encouraging community bonding as Frequents at The Devil’s Den come from all walks of students move in together to stay warm. life, a true representation of Emory’s diversity.
According to Ciannatt Howett, director of Sustainability Iniatives at Emory, the measures came after university officials realized that students had not gotten on board with the “Reduce Energy” movement. “We kind of expected students to get on board with going green, and designed special housing to get environmentallyminded students together, but the Living Green freshmen residence halls seemed more interested in their proximity to frat row,” Howett said. “The phrase ‘going green’ takes on quite a different meaning when considered in light of the frequent reports of alcohol poisoning from Few and Evans hall.” The heating reduction was inspired by the suggestion of freshman male, Jimmy Clay. Pock-marked, odorous, and morbidly obese, he told the Spoke, “It was the only way I could figure out to get close to girls. Suddenly my body heat becomes a prized commodity.” Some students have protested that the lights off policy could negatively affect their study habits. To this complaint, Howett replies, “Most students don’t appreciate the value of a good night’s sleep. With the lights out policy, they’ll have to get a reasonable amount of sleep, and can wake up bright and early ready to do work. Besides,” she added, “What’s more important, getting a good grade on a single test, or saving the environment?” In a further display of ethical commitment, Emory has approved funding for a committee to evaluate whether Sustainability Initiatives is doing enough to meet its energy reduction goals.
Super Shitters Strike on Campus
They exist on every hall, in every dorm and in every class. They face insurmountable discrimination daily, oftentimes forcing them out of their own living quarters. Who are they, you might ask? They are the super shitters. Freshman living next to a bathroom can spot them with ease. Phil McCraken, a Turman resident, has already identified several super shitters on his hall, “I watch one of those little shits spend just five minutes in the bathroom and voilà, the room is out of commission for at least six hours.” McCraken notes that shitters tend to have a
negative impact on the general well-being of residents. “Last Friday, I say a guy and a girl sneak into the bathroom looking for some alone time. After just seconds the scampered in I heard horrific screaming and both crawled out covered in vomit and lube, or at least I think it was lube. It had been three hours since an alleged super shitter had used it.” When asked to describe the smell, McCracken asked if we’d ever “lit a dead skunk on fire.” He then explained that the odor could melt a plunger, making the mess difficult to clean up. Feces from a super shitter are smellier and more potent than feces belonging to their peers. What was once thought to be condition brought on by foods containing soy, pork and peppers has recently been proven to have no connection to diet. In other words, super shits are a genetic disorder. Evolutionary biologists suggest that such movements allowed primitive hominids to mark their territory. However, they are still unable to explain how said shitters were able to mate successfully given their inability to bring partners back to their place. McCracken and other students are very outspoken about super shitter’s presence on campus. He also commented: “I’m sick of having rashes, I’m sick of getting pink eye and I want to fucking taste my food. If I ever find one of those shitters, I’m going to tell them exactly how I feel. I’m going to tell them to get the fuck out of my school!” SGA has recently proposed a safe shitting space on campus, but will it be enough? Using the safe space would expose those super shitters to the rest of the world, something that usually means unending discrimination. Until something is done, students will continue to suffer from both constipation and “pink eye.” The muddy image of our school must be wiped down before it’s too late.
d e n i a l p x sE i s i r C t b e D n a e p o ur E e h T : S PIIG e u If you’re like the averl B e Th age undergrad, then you’ve probably read two articles about what’s going on in Europe and have posted them both on Facebook in an attempt to make you seem like an up-to-date intellectual. The Spoke’s crack team of economists has gotten sick of this charade, and feels that you all deserve some perspective on what’s happening. The following is a political and economic analysis that ventures outside the confines of political correctness that bind the cockmuffins (some blatantly politically incorrect term) who write for the New York Times and Wall Street Journal. In short, the European Union is trying to prove that there is no “I” in clusterfuck. Politicians from member nations have effectively decided that their constituents don’t have a clue what’s good for them, and are putting their shots at reelection on the line for the sake of a more financially stable Europe. Everybody has had to do their part though, from the smelly wifebeating alcoholics to the hip young people sporting super-tight jeans. The first key player in the European debt crisis can be found up shit’s creek, or as some call it the Mediterranean Sea, without a paddle. Many undergraduates are still too young to learn about ancient Greek culture without being scarred, but the root of the current problem can most likely be found in the past. The passionate prose of Sapphos, coming of age rituals for adolescent males, and pornographic Athenian vases suggest that ancient Greek society was more than just loose. The Greeks genuinely believed that everybody could and should fuck everybody else, without regard for gender, age, or consent. Thus, global investors should not have been surprised in December of 2009 when former Prime Minister Papendreou revealed that the previous administration had stuck it to them. The last guys in charge had not felt like mentioning the actual size of the government’s deficit, so they hired a skilled team of bullshit artists from Goldman Sachs to make it seem like one’s money was safe in a Greek government bond. Imagine how proud the Greeks were when they discovered that they were just as virile as ever, fucking everybody over! The next key player can also be found along shit’s creek. Picture, if you will, a nation where math and science whizzes like most of you are just as screwed as sociology majors when it comes to finding a job after graduation. We imagine that the image alone won’t wipe the smug look off your faces, but you’d probably be less arrogant if you lived in the Iberian Peninsula. The unemployment rate for people your age in Spain has been hovering between 40 and 50%, and the only sector of their economy that’s still growing is tourism. It’s a bit like having friends over while your house is on fire. In any case, it’s difficult to be surprised by the Spanish government’s reckless spending and internal corruption when they’re famous for one of the greatest economic blunders in history. The monarchs actually managed to make sixteenth-century Spain poorer with all of the treasure it brought in from South America, through inflation. The Protestant nations that they were trying so desperately to impress then are just as underwhelmed now, since their citizens’ tax dollars may eventually be used for Spain’s bailout. Furthermore, they may eventually become irritated if employers keep hiring cheap Spanish immigrants over the citizens of their
respective countries. Sound familiar? The Italians aren’t doing much better. Economics is a complicated subject, and so it may be easier to explain Italy’s problems in terms of stereotypes that American readers will understand. Start by assuming that Italians are a hearty group of people with big moustaches and animated personalities, who spend their time collecting coins and fighting Bowser. The government collected more of said coins than it spent for many years, but the global recession hit them like a bomb-omb. One could argue that their pension system is a bit too generous. Working as koopa in a land full of people who jump around in their work boots is dangerous, but said creatures probably should have been more willing to negotiate their retirement ages. Furthermore, the accidents caused banana peels on the roads and sidewalks have caused enough crippling accidents to bankrupt the nation’s universal healthcare system. The long standing king of the Mushroom Kingdom has stepped down, and his replacement has paved the way for necessary austerity measures that will make things difficult for Italians in the present. Needless to say, Princess Peach will have to save herself. It’s important to also make mention of the wealthy nations that are expected to pick up the pieces of the mess. Historically, France has taken ideas for European integration about as seriously as one takes an email from a Nigerian bank. The French are very careful about protecting their own interests, and so it works out quite well that one of their greatest economic rivals, Germany, is also expected to contribute heavily to the bailout. On some level, they are probably glad to know that the Germans are capable of prospering without uniting over a common racial or religious enemy. The fact that Chancellor Angela Merkel hasn’t grown a tiny moustache has seems to have alleviated some of the fears that Germany’s growing might will hurt others in the long run. Having analyzed the key players in the crisis, it’s important to also consider how the US factors into all of this. Like many Americans, the Europeans are underwhelmed with the job that the Obama administration has done with fixing all of the universe’s problems. They probably thought, at least subconsciously, that he was dark enough to use Santeria or Voodoo to make everyone’s woes disappear. In reality, he’s inherited and created too many problems to shake a shrunken head at, so you may want to lower your expectations. Thomas Edison once said that success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Our leaders, like the Europeans, have been working under the assumption that it’s more like 50% masturbation and 50% asphyxiation. Federal and State governments tend to dick around with their money, abruptly realize how reckless they’re being, and proceed to choke the life out of their public sectors. The idealistic solution is to elect people with realistic plans for the economy. Unfortunately, very few economists can agree on what those plans should be, and the media usually gives more attention to the ridiculous proposals. Our readers may be disappointed to have reached the end of this article only to realize that we don’t actually know how to fix the global economy. However, we’d like to conclude by saying that any hate mail that you send us about this article will be ignored.
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tudents Protest About Something or Other and are Mostly Ignored
Last week, the Emory campus was roiled by its own version of the Occupy protest movements that have engulfed metropolitan areas around the world. Chanting “We are the 73%” (a reference to the fact that 27% of Emory’s undergraduate population is enrolled in Goizueta’s BBA program), a group of self-proclaimed “liberal arts and humanities majors” occupied the Patterson Green, better known as the B-School quad. Drawing inspiration from the student group SWS and its protests last May, the Occupy Goizueta movement made vague demands of the administration and ambiguous complaints about the gap between the “business community” and the rest of Emory. The movement, which started on a Monday morning, had grown to about 20 participants (living in 10 tents) by Wednesday afternoon. In an interview
“We are the 73%” with the Emory Wheel, several protesters expressed their thoughts: “I’m really angry that the business school gets free printing, and I’m sick and tired of having to pay 10 cents a page to print my essays at Cox,” said one student; “It really bothers me that I didn’t apply to the business school, because now I’m stuck taking Friday classes,” said another. While the protesters claimed to be “really frustrated by the system,” they seemed to be in the minority of Emory College students. When asked about Occupy Goizueta, most students opined that it seemed like a waste of time: “Why would I protest the business school? I like actual learning, so I chose to stay in the college” was the response of at least 3 students. Others pointed out that apart from free beer on Thursday evenings, they had never seen the appeal of a BBA degree. Regardless of the limited nature of the protests, the Emory administration was worried that it could drop in yet another ranking, and therefore decided to crack down. On Thursday morning, Emory called in a Dekalb County S.W.A.T. team to arrest all of the protesters and to clear the tents from the quad. When asked to comment, Dean of Campus Life John Ford was adamant that Emory had made the right decision: “Look, my job is first and foremost to protect So-
dexo’s profits. These protesters were within the vicinity of that Einstein’s right by the B-School, and I was afraid that they’d drive customers away, so…yeah, we can’t have anything that could potentially hurt Sodexo’s bottom line.” When asked what Sodexo’s bottom line had to do with the issues raised by the protesters, Ford declined further comment and referred questions to the business school administration. A spokeswoman in the business school pointed out that it was essential that the quad be cleared in time for the weekly Thursday “Kegs” event: “It’s pretty much the only thing that the business school has going for it, so we didn’t want the protesters to interrupt the process of BBA students drinking away their tuition money.” As the week ended, the protesters and their message were quickly forgotten.
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ovement against Injustice, PACE, Activity Fees
In conjunction with the Occupy Goizueta movement, Emory students have set up camp in Asbury Circle to protest their own set of grievances against the University. For the past month, over 40 students, predominantly freshmen, have encamped in tents in Asbury Circle. Recently, the Occupy Asbury issued its list of demands. A primary goal of the movement is the abolishment of the freshmen orientation PACE program, said movement leader, freshman Sarah Jenkins. “It’s a waste of time,” she told Spoke reporters in an interview. “They teach me how to sign up for classes, but I can figure that out for myself. What freshmen really need to know is how to handle their liquor. For instance, you can drink olive oil before you go out to party and your stomach won’t
absorb the alcohol as quickly. I sure didn’t learn that from PACE. Most of the student mentors are just guys trying to take advantage of freshmen girls, because they can’t get any otherwise.”
“Most of the student men to take advantage of fresh Activity fees are another key issue among the protestors. “I think it’s ridiculous that organizations like the Spoke should get thousands of dollars to print stuff that’s just going to make fun of me,” ranted another freshman, Sam Johnson, who reportedly still has no friends on Facebook. When asked about student support for the movement, Jenkins said, “I’m not the only one to have issues with the way Emory’s being run. It’s clear from our swelling numbers that the majority of our stu-
dents are fed up. And yet the University refuses to even engage in a dialogue about these issues. It’s disheartening that the University management could be so callous to the needs of their students.” Vice President Gary Hauk was available for comment only after Spoke
ntors are just guys trying hmen girls.” reporters tracked him down to the Claremont Lounge strip club. In the middle of spanking an overweight stripper, he commented, “This is the most worked up I’ve seen Emory students in years, unless it was to get a free t-shirt.”
The entire student body does not seem to be on board with the movement, though. An anonymous upper classman commented: “It’s just a bunch of freshmen who don’t have anything better to do. Besides, I kind of like to see them suffer in PACE , or whatever the fuck they call it now. If I had to go through it, they should too. And the activity fees aren’t that big a deal. My parents pay them anyway. I’m trying to get as much out of them as possible before I graduate.” The Student Government Association, concerned about losing its funding, has reportedly hired undercover agents to break up the strike. These agents have infiltrated the Occupy Asbury ranks, refusing to bathe; however, most protestors seem to think this just makes the movement seem like it’s actually real. The University released a statement saying that they were considering renaming the PACE program to meet protesters’ demands. Though the Occupy Goizueta movement has faded, Occupy Asbury Circle remains strong, or at least in existence.
Fr ee
Expression Zone Closed After Orgy
The Emory Student Government Association has been forced to abandon recent plans for a “freedom of expression” zone located in the area between the Dobbs University Center and Cox Hall. Just hours before denouncing the program, the SGA had proclaimed it “a place where the SGA can facilitate a bridging gaps program to foster civil discussion and initiate a campus tradition.” The cause of the closure can bluntly be characterized as an orgy. What began as a discussion of the role of students in setting university policy in the contracting of corporations who do not respect the role of unions in wage negotiations quickly degenerated into a hedonistic bacchanal as it became abundantly clear that 99% of Emory students cared only about alcohol, drugs, and sex. Despite a failing economy, shrinking job market, and the centralization of economic and political power into the hands of a few Wall Street Bankers and Beltway Bandits, the Student Body appears to be more concerned with hand jobs than handouts. Professor Howard in the sociology department explained this as a demographic issue. “While for the general population 1% of the people hold disproportionately more wealth than the other 99%, for the Emory population this trend is almost reversed. The rights of workers just do not matter when you have a private jet.” Mathew Johnson at the business school wholeheartedly disagreed with Professor Howard, “I certainly care about worker’s rights. They are a menace, and should be stopped.”
“The cause of the closure can bluntly be characterized as an orgy”
In spite of the best efforts of activists like Mr. Johnson, as soon as students felt free to express what was on their mind one topic immediately dominated all others: sex. It began slowly, as a thought experiment presented by an undersexed philosophy major, but as libidos started awakening and mob mentality set in, even the most asexual physicists started talking about “rigid body collisions” and “oscillations.” At this point all it took was one naked Art History Major and the crowd was off. Due to the central location of the free expression zone the event quickly grew to hundreds of students, making it easily Emory’s most successful program since the Dalai Lama visited. In spite of its unorthodox nature, some students are still calling the event a success. Freshman Martin Bonner commented on the fact that, “Social barriers were broken. One’s clubs, departments, Greek affiliation, race, or ethnic meant nothing as one became part of the pulsing mass of sweaty naked bodies.” Sophomore Christine Heidegger also spoke favorably of the event, “This was the first time I felt like there was real sense of community. I do hope this becomes an Emory tradition.” However, the SGA did not look upon it so fondly, remarking, “Turns out freedom of expression was a bad idea.” While Christine will be sorely disappointed by SGA’s abandonment of the program, she is welcome to call me anytime, at 443-975-0218, if she needs to express herself. As are any of you foxy ladies out there. Despite the departure from the events mission statement, the Free Expression Zone did have an impact on Emory policy. After observing the unsafe sexual practices of the students, new emphasis is being placed on revamping Emory’s Health 101 program.
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here is no room for ART on the BUS
Listen up B-schoolers, there is trouble a foot! With the current economic conditions threatening to turn “starving” artists into actual starving artists, many of our left-brained foes have started seeping little by little into the B-school as a means of survival. Abandoning their idealistic lifestyles as creative expressionists, these artists are developing a more practical approach to life. Even though we can applaud their efforts and the abandonment of these ridiculous ideals, we have to acknowledge that this means that they are taking the focus (dare I say jobs) from the far superior right-brained intelligents. So how do we stop this from occuring? How do we keep the artists out? This is a very difficult question my friends, since when artists put on a suit, somehow, they remarkably look like us. Although the people sitting next to you might seem pretty type A with their D&G glasses, crisp name cards, and less than enthusiastic expressions as they reflect on smoky visions of what may or may not have happened at Mag’s the night before, they may not be who they appear to be. If you look a little closer, you might notice coffee stains on the name cards, a glint of actual interest in their eyes when writing assignments are discussed, and the lack of input when talking about the internships they will be participating in over the summer. My fellow b-schoolers, these artistic infiltrators may just be schooling you. But don’t be too hard on yourselves, these artists were obviously sly enough to get through the rigorous evaluation and application system that we all had to undergo before we could be accepted into such a prestigious school (#3 bitches!). Our educators, some of the most superior minds in the world, couldn’t even tell the difference. But have no fear my corporate friends, if you read on, I guarantee that you’ll be able to sniff out any artsy fartsy people within the B-school radius. If any of the below statements are true, then there is probably an artist in your midst. Se-
cure a job as quickly as possible before they find a creative way to steal it.
Take out your silken handkerchief and shield your nose if any of the following is true of the people sitting next to you:
1.
They are taking nonprofit electives…and seem to think that
Non-profit is a concentration.
2.
They received the Distinguished B-Comm certificate, and excelled in B-Comm without even trying.
3.
When asked what they are concentrating in, they still don’t seem to know, and it is now their senior year.
4.
Instead of retreating to Einsteins for a 3rd iced coffee after class they escape to Schwartz or the Rich building.
5.
They seem to like dressing up in suits and nice clothing, referring to it as “a costume.”
6. 7.
They think that Greek Life is not an art.
They call Process and Systems “Process and Systems” instead of Ops, believing they are above abbrevs. WTH, STFU.
8.
They use their laptop for anything other than Facebook or Twitter in class.
9.
They ask about the labor force, unions, equities, and workers rights in class, even if it does not pertain to Managerial Accounting.
10.
And if all the above fail, if they ever mention art in a positive connotation, ever, then I would be wary.