Cam Linker | Being v. Becoming Memoir

BEING v.becoming Cam Linker

“Where does it all lead? What will become of us? These were our young questions, and young answers were revealed….We become ourselves.” Patti Smith, Just Kids

Resting my oil-saturated paintbrush on the stained taboret to pause my audiobook, I repeatedly mumbled this quote to myself under my breath, as if doing so would make the moment last longer. It was a feeling like finally connecting that last piece of a puzzle, revealing a greater picture. Only for me, the picture revealed is an even larger and more complex puzzle. My mind racing with thoughts, I grabbed my journal and quickly scribbled down the note “Being v. Becoming.” Chills of curiosity running down my spine, I craned my neck backward to take in the view: I sat fascinated on the cliff-edge of discovery, unaware of the ravine of infinite knowledge that waited beneath my feet. Freshman year of high school, I watched a little too much “Grey’s Anatomy.” And by a little, I mean that I was fully convinced I would become a heart surgeon. This was not just a naive dream—I took myself quite seriously for a 14-year-old. Staying up until 2 a.m. on school nights watching open-heart surgery videos on random medical database websites, I was hooked. In actuality, I could not explain to you how a coronary artery bypass works and still cannot, despite my time spent studying it. But something about learning, about being immersed in such fascinating information, was addictive. Now at the time, I thought I was an aspiring Christina Yang. But going into sophomore year, I found myself at a crossroads. I had always loved creating art for my own enjoyment and began to realize how much I loved studying it. The hours I spent listening to lectures on open-heart surgeries were replaced with podcasts on prominent women in art history. I marveled at the works of Jenny Saville and Cecily Brown, both of whom I aspired to become as well. And it was not that I lost interest in medicine, although I soon realized I lacked the scientific inclination required to go to med school. I had found a new subject that equally sparked something deep inside me: a passion to learn more. Junior year of high school, I became captivated by philosophy and literature. My creative mind ran wild on the pages of Virginia Woolf’s chilling short stories as my academic mind was captivated by podcasts including BBC’s “In Our Time,” Alie Ward’s “Ologies,” and recorded lectures shared over Nina McIlwain’s “Philosophy of Psychoanalysis.” My thoughts were filled with random, confusing, and fascinating subjects like blue-green algae, Nietzsche’s mature philosophy, queer culture in literature, Taoist philosophy, and all-too-much more. Although this time, I was no longer at a crossroads with myself and what I wanted to be. I wanted to be immersed in it all, and to me, that made sense. Even today, I still cannot tell you who, how, or what I want to be. I have experienced countless of these “sparks,” all leading me on a quest in the pursuit of learning more. I have realized that my place in life as a curious intellectual is not to “be” anything but to become. Just become. I want to continue becoming someone who is fascinated by medicine. I want to continue becoming someone who creates and studies art. I want to continue becoming someone whose bedroom floor is flooded with a sea of books on existential philosophy, the comingof-age years of great rock legends, and countless other subjects—each eclectic fascination serving as a reflection of my evolving identity. I want to become all of this and more. To me, learning is not a means to an end but a way of life. To me, it is the only way to truly live. I am both nothing and everything at once; I am becoming.