A Thousand Stories : Volume 9 : Stories 0801-0900 : Green

a thousand stories

j. blasso-gieseke

a thousand stories volume 9

: stories 0801-0900 : green

j. blasso-gieseke

Books in the Series A Thousand Stories

: stories 0001-0100 : black : stories 0101-0200 : gray volume 3 : stories 0201-0300 : white volume 4 : stories 0301-0400 : yellow volume 5 : stories 0401-0500 : orange volume 6 : stories 0501-0600 : red volume 7 : stories 0601-0700 : purple volume 8 : stories 0701-0800 : blue volume 9 : stories 0801-0900 : green volume 0 : stories 0901-1000 : brown volume 1 volume 2

a thousand stories

Published by Charybdis Press charybdispress.com © 2021 Charybdis Press All rights reserved First Edition No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the publisher, except in the context of reviews.

Many stories in this book are fiction. Any characters resembling actual persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.

Cover: 16 point Meridien Title: 14 point Futura Text: 10.5 point Caslon Layout & Design: J. Blasso-Gieseke ISBN 978-1-957399-08-9

For You and Baba, and the Muse too, and Hermes three

The author would like to thank Niall Twohig, Francesca Ferranti, and Josephine Blasso for their editorial aid, and Matthew A. Brown for his suggestions on the Preface. The book was made better by their time and attention. Still, any faults found in the stories are wholly my own.

Contents 0801. The Mind-Altering Effects of Chivalric Romances 0802. The Length of One Joss Stick 0803. Me and the Boys 0804. The N.A.S.A. Project 0805. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter D 0806. Those Numbers Are People 0807. When You Eat of the Fruits of the Forest 0808. Orgone Energy Accumulator Accelerator 0809. Après moi, le deluge 0810. I Love Lucifer 0811. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter E 0812. Return to the Dream-House 0813. Gelert’s Yelp 0814. Memorial Day 2020 – National 0815. Memorial Day 2020 – Personal 0816. The Sublime Superlemon 0817. Live Streams and Dead Pools 0818. Playing a Part in the Harry Partch Ensemble 0819. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter F 0820. The Dust Collector 0821. A Moment of Silence for Breonna Taylor and George Floyd 0822. In a Depression and Pandemic, Police Violence Exposes the Class War 0823. Field of Babies 0824. The Room That Should Not Be 0825. Hippopotamus Phlebotomist 0826. A Story Written in a Fictional Language 0827. The Tickle Monster 0828. If You Could Go Back in Time and Kill One Person 0829. Professional Mourners 0830. Firedrunk Under the Godsparkle 0831. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter G 0832. The 206 Bones of the Adult Human Body 0833. Nihilism vs. Omniism 0834. S.E.A. Change 0835. The Choices We Make 0836. The Homo in Homo sapiens 0837. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter H 0838. And She Smiled

0839. The Anarcoshaman 0840. My Ancestry 0841. Arguments Aren’t Won After One Argument 0842. The Homunculus Behind the Eyes, or Consciousness Explained 0843. The Humans Behind the Lies, or Conspiracy Explained 0844. Co-writing a More Inclusive Story 0845. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letters I & J 0846. The Utoposcale 0847. Sometimes I Pee on My Feet 0848. Paradise Lust 0849. Cock Cannon 0850. Hello, My Name Is [full name and title] 0851. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letters K & L 0852. Listless 0853. What’s Wrong, Babe?

0854. De pro-fundus 0855. Well?

0856. Kill Your Idols 0857. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter M 0858. The Absentminded Professor 0859. Shakespeare in Quarantine 0860. Schizoptics: Divide, Confuse, and Conquer 0861. Schizoptics: Unite, Organize, and Rally 0862. The Time Organ 0863. The Swords of the Mind I 0864. The Swords of the Mind II 0865. The Swords of the Mind III 0866. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter N 0867. Global Warming and Pascal’s Wager 0868. Goodnight Earth 0869. Notes on the Underground Man 0870. Givaninch 0871. Taykafoot 0872. Have You Ever Heard?

0873. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter O 0874. Karl Zeeman, Animator 0875. Invention for Destruction 0876. Uncles 0877. The American Mosaic Project 0878. To Publish Is to Make Public 0879. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letters P & Q 0880. Penis Vagina 0881. Slew Slews of Sloos

0882. Old McDonald in the Dell 0883. How Much Wood Would a Woodpecker Peck?

0884. It Wasn’t the Killing 0885. Ouspensky’s Ashtray 0886. The Elephant Graveyard 0887. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter R 0888. Werner Herzog Filmography 0889. Content with Media 0890. An “An” Before the Aitch of History?

0891. Hunter Green 0892. Kimmera, Northern City 0893. A New Way to Travel 0894. Stopping and Looking at Our Animality and Humanity 0895. A New Mythology for a Global People 0896. Letting Our Cynicism Become Syncretism 0897. On Reason and Will 0898. Our Three Choices 0899. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter S 0900. Down the Final Stretch

a thousand stories

0801. The Mind-Altering Effects of Chivalric Romances Using Don Quixote as a case study, neuroscientist Dr. Alonso Miguel GarcíaLópez de Ávila y Manchego de Castilla wanted to determine if reading chivalric romances would lead to the same mind-altering hallucinations that affected Don Quixote in Miguel de Cervantes’s classic novel.

Following in the footsteps of the fictional hero, Dr. García-López began reading the many chansons de geste found in the Matter of Rome, the Matter of Britain, and the Matter of France. With a taste for the material, he fully immersed himself in the chivalric romances by reading them in loose order of publication: El Cantar de Mio Cid, Chrétien de Troyes’s Érec et Énide, Cligès, Yvain ou le Chevalier au Lion, Lancelot, le Chevalier de la Charrette, and Perceval ou le Conte du Graal, Nibelungenlied, Wolfram von Eschenbach’s Parzival, the Vulgate and Post-Vulgate Cycle, Livro del cavallero Cifar, Le Roman de Perceforest, Sir Eglamour of Artois, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Sir Degrevant, Luigi Pulci’s Morgante, Sir Thomas Malory’s Le Morte d’Arthur, Joanot Martorell’s Tirant Io Blanch, Matteo Maria Boiardo’s Orlando Inammorato, Garcia Rodríguez de Montalvo’s Amadís de Gaula, Ludovico Ariosto’s Orlando Furioso, Torquato Tasso’s Gerusalemme Liberata, and Edmund Spenser’s The Faerie Queene.

Dr. García-López kept a diary of the changes he underwent during his study. For objectivity, he asked his wife to do the same. During the course of the trial, she began reading the romances too. The two discovered no mind-altering hallucinations like windmills transforming into giants. Instead, they found themselves playacting as knight and lady, and strengthening their mutual love, respect, and devotion.

0802. The Length of One Joss Stick

“How much time do we have?” he asked.

“The length of one joss stick,” she said, lighting the joss stick, blowing out the flame, and inserting it into a carved erotic holder. “That’s too much time for most. But if you need more, you can always pay for it.”

“If you need it, you can pay for it,” he said, as fragrant smoke lifted into the air.

“A confident one, eh?” she said, smiling.

“Enough talk. Take off your clothes,” he said “A little striptease first?” she asked.

“Stop wasting time. Get undressed and on the bed,” he said, unbuttoning his shirt.

She undressed and stretched out across the bed.

“How do you want me?” she asked.

“Just the way you are,” he said, climbing onto the bed and onto her.

He put himself in and began slow. Gradually, he increased his speed and adjusted his yaw, pitch, and roll in response to her reactions.

He was entirely focused on her with all of his being.

Her eyes were closed, her breath rapid, her sighs repeating in shorter and shorter intervals.

Just before she climaxed, he pulled out.

“Why’d you stop?” she asked.

“We’re out of time,” he said, nodding to the unlit stub of the joss stick.

“But. You could’ve finished,” she whined.

“Listen, I’m a cocksmith,” he said. “I only do this to keep in practice.”

And just as the cocksmith finished himself off, Bert came into his magic sock.

Empty, yet full, Bert laid back limply in bed and sighed, thinking how much he loved that scenario.

0803. Me and the Boys

They were eating dinner when me and the boys kicked in their front door and told them we were taking over their house. I think I said something cool like, “This is our house now, motherfuckers!”

I sat down at my table and started eating my food like nothing just happened, like this was all perfectly normal. You should’ve seen the look on their dumb faces. I said, “Go on, get! This is my house now.”

Me and the boys ate my food, and when we were finished, we put our boots up on my table, and the boys said, “We gotta get us a house too.”

I told’em, “Why get another house when we got this one? Besides, they’ll be back with reinforcements. You’ll see. We have to defend this here place.” And they did, and we did, and back and forth, until we were tired of being on the defensive.

After we brought the battle to them and won, the boys found their chance to take their own houses.

And houses are big, boy. You need someone to run them. So, I brought over more boys and they worked fine until they discovered that they could take houses of their own and started giving me trouble.

That’s when I decided to bring over some very different boys that I could control. This worked for a while. Until they too wanted houses of their own. But, me and the boys, we’d never give them one and we pushed them out and kept them down just like the first ones.

0804. The N.A.S.A. Project

As I’ve mentioned before in some of my earlier stories, I spent some fifteen years working in a family-run precision sheet metal fabrication shop prior to its sale. We also did some minor machining work in support of sheet metal fabrication. We were a good, solid, and reliable shop, but we knew some fabricators both in sheet metal and machining who were truly master mechanics and machinists capable of highly technical and intricate work.

As is the case with any small business, you’re always looking around for more sources of work to ensure your company has a workload that’s a little more feast than famine. After reading Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot, I was reminded of all the metal that went into making spaceships, telescopes, and satellites and thought that could be an avenue to pursue. Although I never figured out how to solicit work directly from N.A.S.A., I found during my research that there were often long lead times and high prices for parts that left many of the programs susceptible to endless delay or termination because of budget shortfalls and cuts.

In our austerity-stricken world, an idea struck me: Why doesn’t N.A.S.A. have a liaison that works directly with manufacturers across the U.S. to have parts made and donated to them so they can stay on budget and schedule with their programs? If every manufacturer in America were asked to build and contribute one part per project, they’d be able to get these projects “off the ground” sooner while creating communal pride in the collective enterprise of space exploration.

0805. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter D dirigible, donut, duck, duckweed, dolphin, disaster, drama, dromedary, drone, dome, domesticated, delirious, dill, dildo, dim, dimwit, distant, dislodge, dike, dork, dole, dive, dove, druid, drake, dysentery, diploid, dip, drop, doff, different, diffident, dissident, deport, doxology, dine, diner, din, divvy, divot, dragon, dress, dressmaker, determine, determined, deter, detergent, debt, debit, dead, deadly, dastardly, drip, drape, drove, dry, dribble, dock, dick, dust, dull, dumb, dog, dose, defile, defame, defibrillate, destroy, destruction, devour, deflower, dig, dug, dagger, digger, dinner, desk, deck, dam, damn, did, do, don’t, dare, darling, daring, dude, dub, dubstep, dud, dube, duly, doody, droopy, drool, drey, drive, drivel, drum, drumbeat, dew, devil, dang, ding, dong, docent, divine, divide, division, drought, dope, dapper, dab, dad, dish, dishwasher, decade, decadent, decal, dodecahedron, decorate, décollage, doctor, dactyl, defraud, discalced, desultory, deed, deep, deer, dread, dregs, deejay, deem, defeat, defeated, duel, dual, duo, dyad, dryad, dial, doily, drew, draw, drawn, drag, dragnet, dragline, draft, damage, disease, delete, delimb, dusk, dawn, ditch, dither, dubious, duckling, dominate, dominant, don, dark, dart, darling, day, daydream, daycation, delay, decry, devolve, de-escalate, deter, dais, daisy, dazed, dazzle, dapple, die, deviate, dabble, double, doubloon, duty, deltoid, delta, demarcation, diamond, dash, dashboard, delinquent, delineate, damask, dance, dancer, damascene, downpour, download, down, downy, dowager, defend, defender, deliverance, delivery, door, doorway, doorstop, doom, duopoly, duped, depreciate, degree, degrade, decline, despair, despise, despoil, dispel, dispose, disposable, disposition, designate, design, deputy, dispute, divination, divine, divinity, devotee, devoted, degrowth, dolt, dote, diarrhea, dimple, divisible, dormitory, dolmen, duff, daft, deft, dirt, disc, disk, distil, deregulate, deteriorate, disinterested, disown, disavow, disappoint, denigrate, distant, distance, diligent, dillydally, dimension, disintegration

0806. Those Numbers Are People

Whenever I read the death toll from COVID-19 from around the world and in the United States, I have to consciously and deliberately remember that those numbers are people. When I see the death toll rising day after day, I have to remember that each one added to the total was a person with a life, a family, and a history. It’s shockingly easy to forget that fact when looking at the daily numbers.

Just like it’s shockingly easy to look at the daily numbers and believe that they’re accurate. But if I stop and reflect on that for a minute, I know with 100% certainty that they’re not. In fact, that’s the one thing in all of this uncertainty that I can be certain about. No one wants those numbers to be any higher than they are now, but I’m certain that the actual death toll is being withheld to protect the policy failures of the politicians in charge of handling the pandemic response.

It’s a fact that the United States is failing to test all of its citizens just as many countries around the world are failing to test theirs. If we’re not testing everyone who’s alive, how are we testing everyone who’s dead?

How do we know what the actual death toll is? How honest are we being with ourselves? And if we’re not being honest about the deaths and the dangers, how can we ask people to return to work? Why would anyone anywhere in the world want to add their one to the final sum?

0807. When You Eat of the Fruits of the Forest

When you eat of the fruits of the forest, you feel the fruits changing you from inside. The shift in perception doesn’t happen gradually, it happens instantaneously, and you become one with the forest, seeing it truly for the first time: Suddenly, the trees are standing out in relief around you, affecting a play with your perspective that makes you imagine their trunks are columns holding up a ceiling of shimmering green leaves.

You walk between them as if wandering amongst the pillars of an arcade. You touch them as you pass to ensure the reality of your experience and to study the intricate patterns of their bark that you read like braille.

The sensation of treeskin on your fingertips tells you the story of the forest and the old energies, elementals, and entities that live there. And as you finish feel-reading the text-ure on the tree-scrolls you know you’re not alone. You know that you’re standing in an ancient, inhabited hall.

Looking around, you see no one, but the silence encourages you to speak. You do by say-asking “Hello?” And your voice seems to ripple through the light, distorting the image like a stone cast into a still pool.

And immediately you regret your disturbance, because it feels like you’ve shouted in a church. When there’s no response, you become self-aware and think yourself foolish for calling out to the energies, elementals, and entities you thought were there. Disappointed, you look down at your feet, where the leaves, like an Arcimboldo portrait, assemble into a face that welcomes you.

0808. Orgone Energy Accumulator Accelerator

“To supercharge the orgone energies of the universe, I built a tetrahedron inside the cube of my original orgone cabinet. Then, I built an octahedron around the cube that’s around the tetrahedron. Then, I built an icosahedron around the octahedron that’s around the cube that’s around the tetrahedron. Then, I built a dodecahedron around the icosahedron that’s around the octahedron that’s around the cube that’s around the tetrahedron. Finally, I contained all five nested Platonic solids within a glass sphere accessible through a removable domed hatch.

“Thus, I have created an Orgone Energy Accumulator Accelerator that draws all the orgone energy from the surrounding atmosphere and concentrates it in the center of the tetrahedron. When a couple enters into the sacred space to copulate, they will open the domed hatch in the glass sphere and step into the dodecahedron. Closing the dome hatch behind them, they will proceed through the icosahedron and octahedron and enter the orgone cabinet cube and step into the tetrahedron. Closing the orgone cabinet door behind them, the man will sit on the inner dais erect and the woman will straddle him in the sacred yab-yum position achieving the ultimate maithuna of Shiva and Shakti.

“The two will then begin to rock back and forth like the waves of the primordial Ocean of Bliss as orgone energy pierces their body armor, supercharging their bions until their libido is maximized into its greatest orgastic potency. As the couple soul stares into each others eyes, the two will become one body and soul until climax is simultaneously achieved.”

0809. Après moi, le deluge

“Listen, I do what I want when I want, because après moi, le deluge.

“I don’t care about the fallout or the cost in human life or the suffering that it causes, because après moi, le deluge.

“You think I worry about what comes after me? You think I waste a single second of my precious time concerned about the future? No, man, because après moi, le deluge.

“I do what feels good and right to me in the moment. I don’t give two squirts of piss about what happens tomorrow, because après moi, le deluge.

“I don’t even live for today, I live for right now, right this second, because that’s all I can ever know, I don’t care about the future or the past, because après moi, le deluge.

“I don’t care about consequences. I don’t care about truth. I’m fully insulated by my wealth, power, and position. I’m unassailable, and will, ultimately, be held unaccountable for everything I do. It’s just the way it is. Therefore, I say: après moi, le deluge.

“That’s why I don’t live my life worrying. I don’t live my life with regret. I live how I want to live, and I live large. I take what I want to take, because I can take it. I break what I want to break, because I can break it. I make what I want to make, because I can make it. You see, there’s nothing in the world that’s off limits to me. That’s why I say again and again: après moi, le deluge."

0810. I Love Lucifer

I’ve never been much of a fanboy. My mind cannever settle on anything for long. As fast as I’m into something is as fast as I’m out of something.

But I have to say that I am a fan of the show Lucifer.

Let me explain the show’s premise for those who’ve never seen it: Lucifer leaves hell and lives a life of debauchery in Los Angeles until he meets homicide detective Chloe Decker, who makes him vulnerable, literally and figuratively, in that he can be wounded in body and heart when around her. As the two solve cases together, Lucifer learns to be more selfless, caring, and loving. In short, he learns to be an angel again.

Trying to understand why I love Lucifer as much as I do, I gave it a good think. First, I thought it was because Lucifer Morningstar was a character created by Neil Gaiman, a writer I greatly respect. Then, I thought it was because it was shot in bright and beautiful L.A. Then, I thought it was because of the superb writing and clever story structure. Then, I thought it was because of the actors, many of whom are Sagittarians.

Then, it hit me. Yes, it was all of that, but what it really was was that I could tell all the actors had a lot of fun on set and that their mutual love for each other came across in their collective performance. I can’t say I’ve ever noticed that in another tv show before, and that’s why I love Lucifer.

0811. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter E exhume, examine, egregore, egregious, exonerate, edge, erstwhile, east, ear, earn, each, entomb, ectoplasm, ectopic, eminence, eminent, exoskeleton, eagle, emu, eel, earwig, edelweiss, entertain, enter, entrance, entrain, elephant, elm, embolism, eructate, energy, eidolon, eldritch, electric, eliminate, elucidate, elevate, elevation, elk, elder, entice, entrap, entropy, ethnicity, elastic, elongate, elf, elbow, ergonomic, ego, ether, ethos, elide, elision, elope, ever, even, evening, eventually, evermore, evade, evaporate, ecocide, ecology, ecosystem, echolocation, echo, ecru, egalitarian, esteem, entrench, entreaty, ent, entomology, etymology, etiology, end, epistemology, epidemiology, epididymis, epidermis, echidna, eclipse, éclair, encapsulate, envelope, environment, evoke, evocation, evangelist, element, elementary, eleemosynary, ethanol, edify, edifice, edification, ebb, effluent, effluence, effect, effort, effluvium, effervescent, email, extreme, extremity, extenuating, external, exclude, excise, exercise, exorcise, example, exemplary, exarch, exist, existence, exterminate, extinguish, extol, extract, extricate, express, expand, expound, exterior, extent, extant, extend, examine, examiner, exchequer, education, erythrocyte, estimate, ensconce, earth, estuary, ecstatic, ecstasy, erupt, errand, erode, eradicate, eight, egalitarian, egad!, encyst, entail, endure, eye, eyeglass, eyrie, evolve, evolution, eiderdown, epaulet, entrée, ewe, enquire, enterprise, egg, earmark, earn, eschew, estate, establish, esoteric, exotic, eddy, evince, epilogue, emulate, emulsify, erase, eat, eatery, etcetera, esquire, equine, equanimity, equal, equivalent, equivocate, equivocal, equidistant, equilateral, edit, editor, edition, edifice, efface, enfant, enfold, enrobe, enable, ennoble, entry, entre, epode, episode, episodic, eleven, elate, enervate, etude, explicate, excoriate, extemporize, extrude, extrusion, entwine, electron, ease, easy, electrolysis, election, elect, enlist, entitled, eyelid, exfoliate, evil, evaluate, evince, evanescent, ejaculate, enjambment, engineer, engine, emotion, emotional, establishment, eau, endear, endless, endlessly, endive, entire, empire, empirical, earl, early, euthanize, ermine, euphemism, eudaemon, eulogy, eclogue, escape, escarpment, escalade, escalate, either, ember, embrace, embargo, embattle, empathy

0812. Return to the Dream-House

Have you ever found yourself back in the same dream-house from previous dreams, even though they were separated by weeks, months, or years, and even though the place looks completely different each time you’re there, but you still know it’s the same place, and you’re disappointed about being there because you know what you're in store for during the dream?

My dream-house is one that I’ve been to at least a dozen times. It exists off of a hidden stretch of wooded road in the country, and in the back alley of some city near a beach where it’s surrounded by a maze of wood and chain-link fences. No matter the location, the inside of the house is always the same, or at least it appears to be, because the layout of the house is so convoluted and multileveled with stairs, landings, and doors that it’s completely unmappable.

There are two multi-floored apartments on each side of the house.

I live in one and my neighbor lives in the other. I’m 100% certain it’s a woman about my age. Maybe she’s my literal feminine side or my soul mate. I don't know. But she’s never home, although I think I spotted her once in one of my dreams. There are so many doors connecting the two apartments that whenever I explore my apartment, I never know if I’m walking through her apartment or mine. Sometimes, after I settle in, I realize the apartment isn’t mine, and I become worried that she’ll return home and find me trespassing in her house.

0813. Gelert’s Yelp

After his wife Tangwystl died in childbirth, King Llewelyn went hunting, taking along his newborn son Gruffydd.

In the forest, King Llewelyn made camp and left Gruffydd swaddled in a cradle and guarded by his faithful dog, Gelert.

At dusk, when King Llewelyn returned with a mighty stag draped across the back of his steed, he found the camp in disarray, the cradle overturned, and Gruffydd and Gelert missing.

King Llewelyn leapt frantically from his horse, drew his sword, and looked around in a panic for his son.

King Llewelyn saw Gelert. The dog's muzzle was red with blood.

Believing Gelert had killed his son, the king ran him through with his sword.

The noise of Gelert’s yelp caused Gruffydd to cry from where he lay hidden beneath the cradle.

King Llewelyn ran to his son and found him unharmed.

Raising the crying boy in his arms, King Llewelyn saw a dead wolf at the edge of camp with its throat torn out.

Finally understanding what took place, King Llewelyn bounced Gruffyd in his arms and shushed him.

As the boy quieted, King Llewelyn knelt beside the dying Gelert and whispered thanks to the dog for saving his son.

Gelert took one last look at Gruffydd and King Llewelyn and breathed his last.

Tears welled up in King Llewelyn’s eyes; he had acted in haste and killed his most faithful friend.

King Llewelyn buried Gelert in the family grave, and for the rest of his reign, whenever he was about to do anything rash, he’d hear Gelert’s yelp, and refrained.

0814. Memorial Day 2020 – National

I can be anti-war and pro-soldier at the same time. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. The two don’t make me less patriotic. I can stand against the wars of American capitalist colonialism and imperial hegemony and still recognize the sacrifices that American men and women make to their bodies, minds, and spirits when they participate in these illegal and immoral wars. I can memorialize every soldier who died on the battlefield from wounds to their body in the same way that I can memorialize every soldier who died off the battlefield from wounds to their body caused by wounds to their mind and spirit on the battlefield. I can memorialize the soldier who died by the hand of an “enemy” just as I can memorialize the soldier who died by his or her own hand. Likewise, I can memorialize all the victims of all of our wars, both foreign and domestic, both soldier and civilian. I can memorialize fallen policemen and women and the victims of police violence. I can memorialize all the frontline workers and all the victims of this pandemic.

On Memorial Day, I can memorialize all of them, because most of them have one thing in common: their class. When we start understanding that all of our wars, whether they’re waged in the streets of a foreign city or waged in the streets of our own cities, are class wars, then we’ll understand that every willing or unwilling participant, every soldier, cop, frontline worker, and civilian, are all victims of the forever war of rich versus poor.

0815. Memorial Day 2020 – Personal

Today is Memorial Day 2020. It’s been almost three months of quarantine.

I’ve been sheltering in place with my good friend Matt in Maryland ever since I sold my home and left my family business in New York.

Everyone I know has been going through intense and invisible stresses during this time. I think the most frightening thing for all of us, besides the myopic and idiotic administration in charge, is not knowing when the pandemic will end.

To cope, I’ve been tapping into a store of mechanisms that help keep me on the level. Some of these are healthy, others not so much. As I try out different strategies, I discard what isn’t working and keep what is. The most important one for me has been, and probably always will be, writing.

Occasionally, by accident, I find strategies from the events and environment around me. Like yesterday, for instance, as I was cooking dinner, I remembered, for whatever reason, spreading the ashes of my dogs in the park next to my childhood home before leaving New York.

When I remembered Memorial Day was tomorrow, that is today, I wrote myself a note: ON MEMORIAL DAY, WE MEMORIALIZE. I realized that no one I know ever memorializes the dead. We never go to cemeteries, or look through old photos, or dedicate time to talk about all the special people and pets who were an important part of our lives.

Today, Matt and I plan to memorialize our dead and keep them alive in our hearts by telling stories about them.

0816. The Sublime Superlemon

The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that the only way to make lemonade in life is with lemons. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that sunlight itself is trapped inside every lemon. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that the rain, the clouds, the sun, the sky, the sea, the land, and all life on Earth, and everything in the universe was responsible for creating every single solitary lemon on every lemon tree. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that a lemon is not a lemon alone. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that you yourself are not alone. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that the lemon is yellow because your eyes see it as yellow.

The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that the clean, refreshing scent of the lemon is the clean, refreshing scent of the lemon because your nose smells the clean, refreshing scent of the lemon. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that the lemon is tart because your taste buds taste it as tart.

The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that the lemon is because you are.

The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that both you and the lemon are inextricably part of a whole. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that the tart acid of its citrus is more than just sour grapes. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that the juice of a lemon is capable of cutting through all the fat. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that you need a dash of acid to balance every dish. The Sublime Superlemon is knowing that with a little sugar and time, you can candy any rind.

0817. Live Streams and Dead Pools

Safely aboard their luxury yachts and guarded in their penthouse apartments, private islands, summer homes, and mansions, the superrich watched the live streams of their dead pools. On enormous screens in their private home theatres or on the large screens of their smart televisions or on the smaller screens of their phones, they watched the 24-hour camera feed of the poor cannibalizing the poor. Betting was furious and instantaneous as the wealthy gambled great fortunes on the deaths of the less fortunate. Money exchanged rapidly from private bank accounts to the League’s bank account and back again, minus the League’s cut.

Every year the person who accurately guessed the most deaths would be crowned League Champion, a coveted title that conferred bragging rights to the winner.

On the ground, across all the countries of the ravaged world, the poor battled it out for mean survival. So violent and short were their lives that they didn’t even know they were on camera. Just as they didn’t even know that there was another world beyond their world where the superrich lived in such fabulous luxury and absolute boredom that they could afford to bet on their lives for sport. They knew nothing about this and would never know anything about it for the length of their sad, miserable lives.

But just as the poor remained ignorant of being watched by the superrich, the superrich remained ignorant of being watched by their Creators, who were patiently waiting for the time when they would willingly lift themselves out of the slums of animal savagery.

0818. Playing a Part in the Harry Partch Ensemble I found myself sitting in a restaurant on a velvet-covered bench looking down into the blue-lit square of an orchestra pit where the Harry Partch Ensemble was playing something beautifully oceanic on instruments made by Harry Partch himself.

In my right hand, I held a rope that controlled one of these instruments. It was a large hollow log, about twelve feet long and two feet in diameter, filled with pebbles, like a giant rainstick. The ends of the log were wrapped in rope. When I pulled on the rope I was holding, the log rolled up like a scroll, hitting a plank of wood on the underside of the orchestra pit. It made a sound that can only be compared to a wooden boat rhythmically bumping into a wooden dock on the gentle ebb and flow of waves. I was so completely into the music that it took me a minute to realize that I was actually playing a part in the Harry Partch Ensemble.

When I noticed other people around me pulling on other ropes to randomly add to the composition, I realized that I wasn’t a special player, that this was something any guest could do while they were waiting to be seated.

The hostess greeted me by name and said my table was ready. I followed her to a high top table where seven other people sat. When I sat in my chair, I realized that it was lower than everybody else’s. When I looked up at my tablemates, I noticed none of them were wearing masks.

0819. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter F fuck, famine, fate, free, freedom, freak, fritter, fountain, foundation, fold, folder, frown, forgive, foretell, foretold, forefend, final, finally, finial, finish, finger, find, finder, fence, fencer, fend, fiend, fender, feelings, filter, filigree, film, fulcrum, fulgent, fuel, futility, futile, future, futurity, foot, footing, footpath, fool, foolhardy, fraud, fraudulent, frottage, florid, flooring, floor, face, faceplate, faciality, farce, farseeing, factory, factor, factorial, fragment, fragmentation, fragrant, flatulence, flagrant, fleece, fleet, flood, floodplain, flounder, fudge, fungus, frontier, frontline, front, force, fort, fortitude, fork, forklift, frank, frankfurter, fertilizer, fertilization, ferment, fresh, friend, fathom, father, farther, farter, farthing, few, funeral, funereal, function, fundamental, fundus, funk, funky, fester, festoon, fry, fringe, fight, flight, fright, foist, foil, foyer, frequent, frequency, feckless, fill, fulfill, fabulous, fabricate, flub, faucet, faun, fawn, fast, faster, fastest, falchion, falcon, forest, forestry, foreign, foreigner, fortress, formicate, fornicate, formulate, filmmaker, furtive, filly, filbert, filibuster, frosting, frost, frostbite, frozen, froze, fever, fervid, fern, fruit, fruitful, fructose, friction, fraction, faction, fiction, fresh, fortune, fortunate, flock, flay, flambé, flamingo, flame, flammable, flare, fairy, fair, flair, follicle, folly, fulsome, foam, float, floor, flute, flue, flu, floozy, four, five, fourteen, fifteen, forty, fifty, fife, fiefdom, fiery, fire, fireplace, frog, feast, fear, fearful, fried, fraught, fought, fez, felt, felon, felony, felonious, felled, fell, fink, flunk, flask, flack, flat, flatline, flattery, fly, fish, fishmonger, file, format, font, fever, flarf, fluid, fluidity, flux, fecund, freezer, filler, fun, funny, fustian, full, flow, flummox, falafel, fluoride, flatbread, flange, fang, fenugreek, feeler, fiber, fib, fig, figment, fandango, fantasy, fop, fond, fondle, fondant, foundling, found, find, fin, fake, folio, fjord, flop, flip, flippant, flipper, furniture, furnish, fundraising, fog, feather

0820. The Dust Collector

The work never ended for the dust collector. He spent all day carefully gathering dust from the horizontal surfaces of his home, sweeping it gently with a fine-haired brush or broom onto a dustpan then carefully carrying it so that the breeze generated by his body while walking didn’t lift the light dust off the pan into the air and onto the floor before he could deposit it into the dustbin. He had perfected this technique of walking, which would’ve appeared to anyone watching like a slow, solemn funeral march. He knew the maximum rate of speed he could walk before losing the dust and professionally held it under this limit.

Several decades after the development and perfection of his technique he had the bright idea of bringing the dustbin to the dust. After trying this out, he discovered that he saved so much time having the dustbin nearby that he didn’t know what to do with his excess share of it.

It was then that another idea struck him. With his newfound time, he would transfer all the dust from his dustbins into glass containers so that he could see and admire the dust he had collected over the years. As he filled the glass containers, he labeled them and arranged them in chronological order in a well-lit display case that would itself start collecting dust. And after collecting the dust from the display case, he could fill new glass containers and label them and set them in chronological order, creating a meta-display and meta-commentary of the main display.

0821. A Moment of Silence for Breonna Taylor and George Floyd

0822. In a Depression and Pandemic, Police Violence Exposes the Class War In a depression and pandemic, police continue to murder black people in their homes and in the streets with impunity. In a depression and pandemic, angry citizens, in cities across America, erupted in protest against the murder of Breonna Taylor in Louisville, Kentucky, and George Floyd in Minneapolis, Minnesota, by the police. In a depression and pandemic, people took to the streets, risking their health and safety, to protest police murder and violence. In a depression and pandemic, police have made no attempt to stand in solidarity with the communities they’re supposedly sworn to protect and serve. In a depression and pandemic, police showed us who their true masters are. In a depression and pandemic, police mobbed the streets in full riot gear escalating violence against non-violent protestors. In a depression and pandemic, police infiltrated the protestors, destroyed property, and incited violence. In a depression and pandemic, police hit protestors with batons, sprayed them with pepper spray and tear gas, shot them with rubber bullets, threw stun grenades at them, and ran them over. In a depression and pandemic, police openly assaulted citizens in front of cameras. In a depression and pandemic, we saw our tax dollars have militarized the police against us, the actual taxpayers. In a depression and pandemic, we’re reminded that the richest people and corporations in the country pay no taxes while reaping the fullest protection of the law. In a depression and pandemic, centuries of violence against black and brown communities have bled out into white communities, proving that this is an open class war.

0823. Field of Babies

“So Allison grabbed the wheel and we were off the road and down into the field of cabbages. I tried to wrestle the wheel back from her, but she was pissed; I mean, real pissed. All I asked her was “Was I the father?” and, we were off the road like that.

“I tried pulling the wheel back from her, but she wouldn’t let go. I don’t know why I didn’t think to hit the brakes. Instead, I kept yelling, “Allison, stop! What’re you trying to do, kill us?” All the while we were swerving through the cabbages. I could feel them bumping and popping under the wheel. In the back of my mind, I was like, “We’re damaging a lot of cabbages. If we get caught, this is going to cost me a lot of money, money I don’t have, especially if I’m now going to be a father.”

“By the time Allison let go of the wheel, we had driven through the entire field. When I stopped the car, she ran out and started screaming at the top of her lungs, “You murderer! You just drove through a field of babies!” I was like, “A field of what?”

“So, I get out to look, and sure enough, all the things I thought were cabbages were actually babies. But, like you said, not real babies, but the bodypodsnatcherpeople cabbage patch babies.

“Thankfully, that’s when you and your team arrived and told us that we were heroes, and had just saved an entire town from being taken over by them.”

0824. The Room That Should Not Be

“This is it,” James said, opening the door on what appeared to be a large closet in the corner of the room.

“This is the trans-dimensional portal you were talking about?” I asked.

“I believe so,” he said.

I stepped forward to look into the closet, but his arm swung back and barred me from popping my head across the threshold.

“What’s the matter? Don’t you want to check it out?” I asked.

“We need to be careful,” he said.

“Because it’s a trans-dimensional portal?” I asked.

“I know you don’t believe me, but watch this,” he said, backing into the corner by the closet and walking heel-to-toe and counting until he reached the door to the hallway and stopped. “That’s thirteen feet. Right?”

“Right.”

“Now, follow me,” he said, walking out into the hallway and down to the adjacent room.

I followed him into the room.

He backed into the nearest corner at the adjoining wall and walked heel-to-toe, counting until he reached the far wall.

“Thirteen again!” he said excitedly. “Do you see?”

“I think so,” I said, trying to picture a birds-eye view of the two rooms and failing.

“The door to the closet we were just looking into in the room next door should be right here,” he said, pointing to the blank wall. “And it’s not.”

He could see on my face I didn’t understand.

“Watch,” he said, running back to the other room.

I ran after him.

And just as I caught up to him, he crossed the threshold of the closet and disappeared.

0825. Hippopotamus Phlebotomist

I was sitting in a chair in a patient room in a doctor’s office. On the walls were pictures of hippopotami dressed as doctors and patients and families with children, advertising medications, advising health measures, and advocating safety protocols.

I liked the hippopotamus theme. It was very kid-friendly. I remembered learning in school that hippopotamus was Greek for ‘water horse.’

Then, it hit me: Why was I, as an adult, waiting in a pediatrician’s office to have my blood taken. As I got up to ask someone, a hippopotamus entered wearing blue scrubs and said, “Hi, my name’s Vanessa. I’m going to be your phlebotomist today.”

My mind couldn’t understand what I was seeing.

“How are you doing today, sweetie?” she asked.

“F-fine,” I stuttered.

“Nervous about getting your blood taken?” she asked kindly, as she tried several times to pluck a rubber glove out of the dispenser with her stubby fingers. “Don’t be. I’ve done this a thousand times,” she said, finally pulling the glove free and forcing her fat paw into it. “It’s just one quick, eensy-teensy little pinch, and then it’s all over.” Again, she tried to pull another rubber glove free from the dispenser and finally managed it after the thirtieth try.

Snapping the glove in place, she started pawing at the needle and tube that were set out on the counter. After the fiftieth try, she finally picked them up, turned to me and said, “Now, have a seat and let’s see those veins.”

I unconsciously sat, extended my arm, and squeezed my eyes shut.

0826. A Story Written in a Fictional Language

Gooloogoo gooloogoo. En galactu te moktet. En galactu te anteriu. It tu ve ablu ghe en ligre, eh te valen cobuul. Te valen en moktet ablu en galactu, en anteritu, akwil ya em ma ya ye. Kaleh meh se vern en vern en teh.

Kooleh en veh en say en say. Ablu ke ne wah toh lehru. Se ne va teh liru.

Nu vay say la tep pretet. Nu vay say la tep pretep. Vintu ray loo say prestet leset. Say lay meh tu venorak le tu. Say tu venorak leh lay. Tu ven vey ver nay alu. Tu ven ablu en kay mah teh alu. Ven ma la say tay venray teh doo.

Ay ven ah sah melrad adsu. Vay ten abbe say kay lah teh ru. Teh ru en vey sah lay ten ap ten teh saytu. Nebru ablu kon teh val tay lay. Komo vortu ablu en tey say ray le. Nokooleh en vee en say la tep pretep. Otep ray leh may say vah tep retep. Tuper tep abru val meh val say tu reh. Tu reh atu lay veray. Volo ebrol ol leh may. Vool empool kay verlay tu brey. Topo lo nogo emo ro leh say tu peh. Vobo lu tukel mer lay kay tu say. Tukel say ter may say teru a teh. Kornu kornu absu leh teh oo lay. Klaptu shay say mu teh ray. Tu tep er say alay aray. Tradu tut el teh atay atay. Katu tu tak ap tu teh aray. Kalu sep ter ek teh sek. Gooloogoo gooloogoo.

0827. The Tickle Monster

The Tickle Monster has the ability to sense whenever a sleeper’s foot has slipped out from under the covers. How it senses this, no one knows, but it’s been surmised that it can smell them.

The Tickle Monster has a unique shape. It has four long, spindly legs, and from the center of its long body there is a protuberance shaped like a human head with hair hanging down. It is said that the head takes on the features of someone the sleeper loves but has died. How it does this, no one knows, but it’s been surmised that it can read minds.

The head of the Tickle Monster looks like a blind, fleshy pouch rimmed with fine teeth. Inside the mouth is a large beak. Inside the beak is another mouth filled with grinding molars. The tail of the Tickle Monster looks like a feather duster and is where it gets its name from.

When the Tickle Monster finds a sleeper with their foot exposed, it straddles the bed and tickles the sleeper’s exposed foot with its tail. When the sleeper springs awake from being tickled and sees the face of a dead loved one hanging upside down in front of them, they'll try to scream in terror.

But in that moment of delicious, maximum fear, the Tickle Monster will have already engulfed the sleeper’s head with its pouch-like mouth and prevented their screams by biting off their head with its beaked mouth and grinding it up in its molars, while draining the blood pumped fresh from the stump.

0828. If You Could Go Back in Time and Kill One Person They sat on the porch, drinking a beer in silence. It had been a few years since Kirk had seen his older brother, Dirk, and he wasn’t quite sure how to break the ice with this familiar stranger who was now sitting beside him.

“I’ve got a hypothetical for you,” Kirk finally said.

“A hypothetical?” Dirk asked.

“Yeah, a hypothetical.”

“Okay, ask away.”

“If you could go back in time and kill one person, who would it be?”

Dirk thought about the question. “Life is what it is and we are who we are because of everyone and everything that’s come before us. So, I wouldn’t go back in time and kill anyone. Sorry.”

“Well, if you had to. Like, if a gun was put to your head and they said, “Dirk, you must go back in time and kill such and such a person and it won’t affect anyone or anything alive now because you being here today proves you went back in time and killed that person.” Who would you kill?” Kirk asked.

“Sounds like you've thought a lot about this,” Dirk said.

“Not really. Just trying to make conversation. I haven’t seen you in a while and just feel like talking to my big bro about —” “Time travel and murder?” Dirk said, laughing.

“Yeah. Why not? Why not break the ice with time travel and murder?”

Kirk said, laughing too. “Sorry, but it was the first thing that came to mind.”

“Okay. I’ll play. If I had to go back in time and kill someone, I’d kill…”

0829. Professional Mourners

Mrs. Fairfax sat before the desk of Mr. Potts, the funeral director, weeping into her lace handkerchief.

“There, there,” Mr. Potts said with a patient smile. “Believe me, I know how hard this must be for you.”

“I’m sorry,” Mrs. Fairfax said, blowing her nose loudly, dabbing her eyes, and mastering herself. “What a scene I must be making.”

“Not at all. This is a very difficult time. Do you have any children who can help you with your decisions?” Mr. Potts asked.

“No. It was just the two of us,” Mrs. Fairfax said. “But I’m strong. I can do this. I just want the best for Stanley.”

“Of course,” Mr. Potts said, practically licking his lips. “And what level of funeral would you like for Stanley?”

“What do you recommend?” Mrs. Fairfax asked.

“I recommend picturing in your mind how you see Stanley’s funeral and we’ll match it too that.”

“I want it perfect,” Mrs. Fairfax said. “Perfect.”

“Then perhaps our deluxe package is best. It gives you a handsome oak coffin, flower arrangements, and a two-day viewing,” Mr. Potts said.

“How many people do you expect?”

“Not many. Stanley and I don’t have family and very few friends.”

Mr. Potts saw his opportunity and took it.

“We also have an ultra package available. It gives you everything in the deluxe package, but we add professional mourners.”

“Professional mourners?” Mrs. Fairfax asked.

“Yes, the finest Sicilian variety,” Mr. Potts said. “They’ll weep and wail and can scale their performance up or down to you or your late husband’s liking.”

0830. Firedrunk Under the Godsparkle

Looking up from Schiller’s poem, he understood what it all meant.

Suddenly the stars above his head connected into one vast constellation that united them all together in a skein of light. There was no division, no separation. There was only a unified field of radiant consciousness that he now saw was God. His heart reeled with joy. He felt drunk and lightheaded and laughed at the pun he made: lightheaded. He was indeed light-headed, because he too was a part of it all: God, the light, the stars, everything.

He looked back at the poem and tapped the word at the end of the first line: Götterfunken, God spark. Skipping the second line, he tapped the last word of the third line: feuertrunken, fire drunk. It captured everything so perfectly.

Götterfunken feuertrunken. Götterfunken feuertrunken. Götterfunken feuertrunken. He repeated the words over and over again.

That was it! The God spark makes us all fire drunk.

Just thinking it made his heart flutter in his chest. Yes, and the heart too. The heart is an organ of consciousness; much like the gut. One’s entire body, one’s entire being, was consciousness connected to all life, light, the stars, and God. His mind reeled at the thought and his whole body pulsed electric with the firelight of the universe. It coursed through his stomach, his heart, his mind, beating to the rhythm of universal harmony. He was feuertrunken unter dem Götterfunken; he was firedrunk under the Godsparkle.

And as he spasmed in ecstasy, he heard the opening bars of his greatest symphony.

0831. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter G give, gave, grove, grin, grind, grand, ground, grow, grade, gravity, grave, graduate, gradual, gradation, gray, garner, garter, gator, gate, gait, gala, gallows, gallon, gall, gal, guard, guardian, garden, gaol, garlic, gar, garbage, garb, garland, glitter, glamor, gimmick, gin, ginger, gang, ganglion, gaggle, geese, goose, gorse, gorp, gourd, gore, golf, galoshes, gab, gift, glib, globe, globule, glow, glowworm, glower, growl, gravel, gavel, gambrel, gamble, gambit, game, gay, gain, grain, grackle, great, grandfather, grandmother, green, greenery, greenroom, gene, genetics, general, generate, generation, genuflect, genuine, genius, genie, genial, gentle, gentleman, gentlewoman, genteel, gentile, gentrification, gentry, gerontologist, germ, girth, grift, graft, gruff, grudge, grange, grass, gracile, grape, grate, grace, gracious, group, grouper, grout, gimlet, gams, gums, gum, gurgle, gargle, gargoyle, garage, garrote, gratuity, gratuitous, garrulous, goat, goatee, gumbo, goji, gold, golden, golem, googolplex, goggles, gangly, gangplank, gander, gotcha, got, ghost, ghoul, goblin, gobbledygook, gewgaw, garble, griffon, greaves, grieve, grief, greed, grease, gamelan, gramophone, grammar, grebe, gloaming, glove, glide, glider, gland, glandular, gloss, glossy, glass, glassy, glaive, grip, gripe, grope, groan, gaiters, gilt, guilt, guild, guildhall, gazillion, gherkin, gulp, gulf, galley, gallery, galleon, galumfrey, glue, gluteus, gluten, glare, glaring, glum, gorgeous, gorge, gorgon, gothic, gather, grotesque, grotesqueries, grub, guy, god, goddess, godless, godsend, godspeed, goad, gaud, gaudy, gadfly, gladden, glimmer, gibbous, gibber, gibberish, gunk, guano, guava, guerilla, gorilla, gel, gelatin, gelatinous, gelding, gaunt, get, got, git, gone, gasp, gas, gaslight, ghastly, gape, gaping, gap, gallop, gopher, go, gadzooks, grit, grist, gout, gash, gush, good, goop, glop, go-to, gobbet, gong, going, goners, gosling, gaze, glaze, guanine, grandeur, gratify, gravy, goon, gyrate, gyre, gyroscope, geyser, gargantuan, groundswell

0832. The 206 Bones of the Adult Human Body

Axial Skeleton – 80 Skull – 28 ethmoid; frontal; occipital; sphenoid; vomer; inferior nasal concha x2; lacrimal x2; maxilla x2; nasal x2; palatine x2; parietal x2; temporal x2; zygomatic x2; malleus x2; incus x2; stapes x2; mandible Torso – 52 hyoid; cervical vertebrae: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7; sternum; thoracic vertebrae: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12; ribs 1: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 ; ribs 2: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12; lumbar vertebrae: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Appendicular Skeleton – 126 Upper Extremity – 64 clavicle x2; scapula x2; humerus x2; radius x2; ulna x2; carpals 1: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8; carpals 2: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8; metacarpals 1: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5; metacarpals 2: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5; phalanges 1: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14; phalanges 2: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 Lower Extremity – 62 sacrum; coccyx; hip x2; femur x2; patella x2; tibia x2; fibula x2; tarsals 1: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7; tarsals 2: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7; metatarsals 1: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5; metatarsals 2: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5; phalanges 1: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14; phalanges 2: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 206

0833. Nihilism vs. Omniism

Nihilists believe that the universe, the world, and life itself is without ultimate, objective, and intrinsic meaning, purpose, goal, direction, and value. Nihilists believe this because they have divorced themselves from, and no longer recognize themselves as a part of, the universe, the world, and life itself.

Nihilists want the universe, the world, and life itself to supply meaning to them, as if somehow the meaning they supply to universe, the world, and life itself is not the universe, the world, and life itself supplying meaning to the universe, the world, and life itself. Nihilism allows those without creativity and imagination to condemn everything as meaningless because they are unwilling to impart meaning to the universe, the world, and life itself.

The root of nihilism comes from the Latin nihil, which means ‘nothing.’ What opposes nothing? Everything. What is Latin for ‘everything?’ Omnia. What opposes nihilism? Omniism. The everythingism of omniism opposes the nothing-ism of nihilism. Omniism is the creative and imaginative application of meaning, purpose, goal, direction, and value to the universe, the world, and life itself. Simply stated, nihilism means apart from and omniism means a part of.

Omniists don’t require the universe, the world, and life itself to supply meaning, purpose, goal, direction, and value to them because they know that they are a part of the universe, the world, and life itself and that the universe, the world, and life itself take on the meaning that they themselves impart to it. Wherever and whenever an omniist appears, meaning, purpose, goal, direction, and value appears with them.

0834. S.E.A. Change

They rode their bikes through their deserted suburban neighborhood.

“It’s like a ghost town,” he said.

When she didn’t respond, he pulled down his mask and yelled, “It’s like a ghost town, right?”

She nodded.

“Thanks for coming out with me.”

She nodded again.

They rode in silence until they reached a small park, parked their bikes, and sat in swings six feet apart.

“Everything feels so strange these days,” he said. “It feels like a real sea change, like there’s no going back to normal, like there never really was a normal in the first place. It’s like anything can happen now, like a reset button was hit. I want to get more involved in things. I want to do more to help the planet, but I don’t know where to start.”

“If you want to see change, you have to be change,” she said. “It’s all connected.”

“I know, but where do I begin?” he asked.

“Start with what you have control over,” she said. “Like your diet.

You’ve been talking about losing weight, eating healthier.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if I can do that,” he said.

She shrugged, walked backwards, lifted her legs, and began to swing.

He watched her pump her legs, curving an elegant arc through the air.

On the ride home, he thought about what she had said earlier and asked the universe to show him a sign about his next steps.

And it did.

As they coasted past a stop sign, he saw a red sticker under the STOP that read EATING ANIMALS.

0835. The Choices We Make

Closed-mindedness is a choice. Open-mindedness is another choice.

Thoughtlessness is a choice. Thoughtfulness is another choice.

Ignorance is a choice. Understanding is another choice.

Blame is a choice. Forgiveness is another choice.

Indifference is a choice. Concern is another choice.

Selfishness is a choice. Selflessness is another choice.

Intolerance is a choice. Tolerance is another choice.

Discourteousness is a choice. Courteousness is another choice.

Inconsiderateness is a choice. Considerateness is another choice.

Hatred is a choice. Kindness is another choice.

Indecency is a choice. Decency is another choice.

Hostility is a choice. Hospitality is another choice.

Insult is a choice. Praise is another choice.

Disrespect is a choice. Respect is another choice.

Persecution is a choice. Aid is another choice.

Indignity is a choice. Dignity is another choice.

Disagreeableness is a choice. Agreeableness is another choice.

Recklessness is a choice. Composure is another choice.

Inclemency is a choice. Clemency is another choice.

Mercilessness is a choice. Mercy is another choice.

Injury is a choice. Help is another choice.

Pride is a choice. Humility is another choice.

Impoliteness is a choice. Politeness is another choice.

Malefaction is a choice. Benefaction is another choice.

Inhumanity is a choice. Humaneness is another choice.

Coldness is a choice. Warmth is another choice.

Insensitivity is a choice. Sensitivity is another choice.

Brutality is a choice. Gentleness is another choice.

Aggression is a choice. Non-aggression is another choice.

Violence is a choice. Non-violence is another choice.

Murder is a choice. Life is another choice.

War is a choice. Peace is another choice.

Love is the choice.

0836. The Homo in Homo sapiens

The homo in Homo sapiens means ‘person’ in Latin. It also means ‘same’ in Greek. By definition, if something is the same, it is equivalent in every way.

Therefore, if all of us are homo, then all of us are the same. But, even though we’re all the same, we’re still richly diverse. Diversity is the spectrum within our shared sameness that gives us color, dynamism, and life.

Imagine our homo-ness as the white light before it’s refracted into the spectrum. We’re all part of this spectrum. All of us exist somewhere on it.

We may have different colored skin, or have different genders, or different sexual orientations, or we may have different cultures, or different belief systems, or different music, or cuisine, but all of that together makes up the diverse homology of us Homo sapiens.

We should marvel at each other and our collective diversity. We should be in awe at the diversity within our homology.

What we shouldn’t do is attempt to order the spectrum into a vertical hierarchy of dominance. What we shouldn’t do is believe that one part of the spectrum is superior to other parts of the spectrum.

The spectrum, after all, is all of us. The spectrum isn’t vertical but horizontal. We all share the same D.N.A. We all share a common ancestor.

We all share an African origin. We all share this one Earth. All of this makes us homo. We’re all Homo sapiens.

The sapiens in Homo sapiens means ‘wise’ in Latin. Wisdom is knowing we’re all the same.

Ecce homo!

0837. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter H homo, homology, house, home, huge, humungous, hanger, hang, hung, hunt, hunter, hut, hulk, hurt, harm, hard, heart, heartless, hart, harbor, harlot, harlequin, harbinger, hark, halo, hand, hold, hole, hologram, holster, hostel, hotel, hotelier, haute, hunger, hungry, humble, humility, humid, humidity, hum, hydrangea, hyacinth, hydrology, hydroelectric, hydra, highlight, health, heal, heel, height, high, hashish, hash, has, Ha!, halter, halt, hall, hack, hacker, hail, hale, helium, hydrogen, hemoglobin, henna, hen, henge, hedge, hedgerow, head, headache, headway, headwind, he, her, him, hi, hello, hell, hellion, hellbent, heat, heater, heed, heedless, hailstorm, hallway, halogen, haggle, hag, haft, heft, hefty, hew, hewn, heresy, heretic, headquarters, have, haven, heaven, heave, hunger, hungry, hustle, hustler, history, historicity, histology, histopathology, herpetology, herpes, herbivorous, herbivore, herb, herbaceous, herm, hermaphrodite, heterosexual, homosexual, homunculus, homonym, hog, hob, hobble, hobby, hobbyhorse, horse, hoarse, hearse, hear, heard, herd, hat, hammock, ham, hem, hemlock, hematology, heparin, help, host, hostess, hospitality, hostility, hostage, hop, hippopotamus, hunk, hertz, harrowing, harry, hairy, hirsute, heliotrope, helicopter, haddock, herring, haze, hint, hinge, hilt, horehound, hoarfrost, holiday, holy, holly, hoplite, hopscotch, harem, hare, hardly, helminth, have, had, hoe, hone, hollow, hull, husk, hug, hurly-burly, harmonica, harmony, harmonium, harp, hazard, hate, hateful, hagiography, hysterical, hysterectomy, hinterland, habitation, habitat, habit, hood, hoodie, holler, haberdashery, hawthorn, haste, hasp, huff, hue, huckleberry, honey, honk, handkerchief, handshake, handle, handy, handyman, handicapped, heredity, honor, hypnogogic, highway, hummock, hobgoblin, human, humanity, humus, hummus, hummingbird, hush, hoopoe, hoot, howl, hangry, hind, hound, hide, hid, howdy, holm, horrid, horrible, horror, hierophant, horology, horde, hoard, hope, hopeless, hump, hype, hyper, hyperspace, hibernal, hypersensitive, hybrid, hubris, harridan, harrier, hawk, here, hereafter

0838. And She Smiled

He stood before the kitchen window sipping his coffee, watching the morning routines of sparrow and squirrel.

Above his head, he heard a bang and a toilet flush followed by the indelicate stomping of his wife as she exited the bathroom and descended the stairs like an elephant herd of one.

He smiled to himself. She makes one hell of a racket for someone so small.

He turned to regard her as she entered the kitchen. He knew she hadn’t slept well.

She said nothing and went straight for the cabinet with the mugs.

She took one down and lifted the cold brew growler from the counter, found it empty, and sighed.

“Is that the last of the coffee?” she said, exhausted.

“Have this,” he said, holding out his mug.

She took it, sipped it, and said, “Are you sure?”

“Of course, I’m sure,” he said.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Of course,” he said, squeezing her shoulder.

She drank quietly, leaning against the counter, staring off into nothing.

“Is there anything else I can get you?” he asked.

“No,” she said, taking another sip. “You already gave me the most important thing.”

“Anything for you,” he said.

“Anything?” she repeated.

“Anything,” he said. “I have two kidneys, if you need them. You can have both.”

“But you’d die,” she said.

“I know it,” he said. “But they’re there for you should you need them.

I also have a liver and two lungs.”

“That’s sweet,” she said. “But what about your heart?”

“You already have that,” he said.

And she smiled.

0839. The Anarcoshaman

Brad and Chad drove for hours to reach the reservation. They followed the handwritten directions and hand-drawn map. They stopped at every crossroad looking for street signs that were nowhere to be found.

When they couldn’t find the place, and feared getting lost, they had to carefully retrace their path back to the main road.

“This better be worth it,” Chad said, as the car idled on the shoulder of the main road.

“I’m told this guy’s legit,” Brad said. “I mean, look where we are. He’s, like, off the beaten path. Living in the desert, off the land, and outside the law. He’s the real deal. Trust me.”

Chad shrugged.

“Let me see those.”

Chad handed him the directions.

Brad studied them, and, for the first time, noticed the accurate mileage between the roads and remembered his car’s odometer.

“I got this,” he said, throwing the car into gear.

A half hour later, they were pulling up to a small trailer where an old Indian man sat in the shade.

“There he is!” Brad said, parking the car and leaping out.

Chad trailed behind.

“Hi,” Brad said. “My friend and I were told you could help us with your medicine.”

“I think you’ve got the wrong guy,” the old man said. “If you’re looking for medicine, then you need to see the Anarchoshaman. He’s the plastic shaman pretending to be an Indian. I, on the other hand, am the Anarcoshaman. I don’t use medicine.”

“Why not?” Brad asked, confused.

“I don’t use medicine because I am medicine,” he said.

0840. My Ancestry

I always had a rough idea of where my family came from in Europe, but I never took the time to map it out. I'm writing this to do just that.

I didn’t know much about my mother’s side, so I started with hers first. My mother is 100% German. Her maiden name is Gieseke and her mother’s maiden name is Trunk. Starting with Trunk, a quick web search showed that this name originated in Franconia, a region of Germany whose largest city is Nürnberg. When I did a web search for Gieseke nothing came up, but knowing vowels can be shifty, I dropped the ‘i’ and immediately found Geseke, a city in North Rhine-Westphalia. This made sense because my mother told me that Gieseke was originally von Gieseke, literally ‘from Geseke,’ before her great-great grandparents immigrated to America.

I knew my grandmother on my father’s side was from the town, Foug, in France. Her last name was Petitpez, meaning ‘little money,’ which accords with the stories she told me of her father and brother’s crippling gambling habits. My grandfather always told us his family was from Naples. Before he died, I pressed him for more details and he told me our family was from the mountains outside of Naples. A web search of Blass instead of Blasso showed that this name originated in Benevento, a town northeast of Naples, on the other side of Appenine Mountains.

If you draw a line from Geseke to Benevento and another line from Foug to Nürnberg, they cross somewhere near Ansbach in Germany.

0841. Arguments Aren't Won After One Argument Many people believe that arguments can be won after one argument.

People want to believe this because they don’t want to have to put in the work required to win over people to their values.

Instead, they want to get angry and rage and put on a show, hoping they can overwhelm people with the strength of their conviction alone.

Fiery speech can challenge entrenched opinions, but it rarely changes them permanently.

Remember, anyone willing to change their values after one argument lacks conviction. And, if they embraced your values after one fiery argument, they’ll likely embrace the next person’s values after hearing a fiery argument from them.

Winning over people through the brute verbal force of an argument is not a victory. Just as winning over people through brute physical force is not a victory. Both are failures.

If there is a right way to win people over to your values, it’s by steadily reinforcing your values over and over again. To do this, you don’t have to open your mouth to argue. You just have to embody your argument by living it. When your life is the argument for your values, you simply have to live.

This type of argument takes time and patience. People may or may not come around to your values. It may be successful, or it may not.

Either way, you can die knowing that you lived your life according to your values. And perhaps others around you will change their values over time as they slowly experience the quiet argument of your life.

0842. The Homunculus Behind the Eyes, or Consciousness Explained In cognitive science there’s something known as the “homunculus argument,” which likens consciousness to a homunculus, a miniature person living behind our eyes and between our ears, watching and analyzing all sensory information and reacting accordingly. This “homunculus argument” is a fallacy because it leads to an infinite regress, meaning that if there’s a homunculus in our heads, then there must be a homunculus in the homunculus’s head, and so on to infinity.

Philosopher Daniel Dennett calls the homunculus argument the “Cartesian theatre” after philosopher René Descartes, who argued that consciousness is centered in the pineal gland, where the unconscious experience of the material body becomes the conscious experience of the immaterial soul. Descartes’ argument requires two things: First, dualism: the body-mind divide. Second, materialism: the centering of consciousness at the pineal gland.

Dennett’s argument for the body-mind problem is to eliminate both dualism and materialism and replace them with a “multiple drafts model,” which posits no central location to consciousness. This allows sensory data and information to be processed at different times, freeing up the mind to react immediately to the most pressing sensory information available without having to funnel every experience through a central processor. Without the homunculus or pineal gland, there is no longer a central experiencer, and therefore no pre- and post-experience threshold, no before and after conscious awareness. What remains is an open system that reacts in real time to incoming sensory information, filing away experiences into memories, whose aggregate forms the closed and linear narrative of conscious self-awareness, the illusion of a central self.

0843. The Humans Behind the Lies, or Conspiracy Explained In these troubling times, it’s easy to believe that there’s a shadowy cabal out there pulling the levers of power to manipulate world markets and governments for their own benefit. There’s a certain comfort in believing that these secret, self-elected masters of mankind exist, and are the cause of every human misery. This belief allows us to grapple with the enormity of the problems in the world by placing something tangible, a group of people, at the center of all of our troubles. Conspiracy theorists believe that if we could see past the lies, we’d find the people (or alien snake demons, or whatever) responsible for all of our problems.

What’s interesting about the conspiracy theory of the cabal is its parallels with the conspiracy theory of consciousness I outlined in the previous story. Both posit a dualism and materialism; one has a homunculus, the other a cabal. The homunculus pulls the levers of power to control the body in the same way that the cabal pulls the levers of power to control the bodies of people worldwide. Both theories require the control of hidden centralized authorities.

Robert Anton Wilson extensively researched one such cabal, the Illuminati, and found no such evidence of its existence. Likewise, Daniel Dennett extensively researched one idea of consciousness, the “homunculus theory,” and found no such evidence of its existence.

If there is no central experiencer controlling our actions, then there is no centralized cabal controlling the world’s actions, there are only multiple systems and narratives operating together simultaneously, creating the illusion that there is.

0844. Co-writing a More Inclusive Story

The conspiracy theory of consciousness leads to the consciousness of conspiracy theory. Instead of finding a homunculus or cabal behind everything, we find systemic narratives, survival strategies, and historical memories that have aggregated over time to give the illusion that there’s a singular homunculus or cabal where none exists.

It can be frightening to learn that there’s no hidden centralized authority behind it all. But, after the shock passes, their absence becomes liberating when we learn that we can use the illusion to power conscious change. This becomes even more empowering when we learn that this has always been the case. Consciousness co-creates reality through sensory information.

One of Robert Anton Wilson’s favorite Zen koans was: Who is the master who makes the grass green? The answer is: You. Grass isn’t green without you, in the same manner that grass isn’t grass without you. Green grass is because you are. Likewise: If a tree falls in a forest with no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? Things, colors, textures, sounds, and the names for these, all require a perceiver.

Daniel Dennett’s “multiple drafts model” allows for editing the narrative of personal and collective conscious self-awareness. When we’re not reacting to the immediate demands of incoming sensory information, when we’re no longer in fright, fight, or flight mode, when survival has been replaced with leisure, we can review our historical memories, learn from them, and edit our present actions. We can then change our narrative from predatory competitiveness to communal co-operation by co-writing a more inclusive story.

0845. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letters I & J I, igneous, ignorance, irrelevance, irradiation, irritant, irredeemable, irksome, irate, irrational, imp, ink, incorporate, immaterial, immediate, immanence, imbecile, inbred, indignant, indolent, indigo, interest, intelligence, intense, introduction, into, inward, influence, inflammable, integrity, integration, implosion, impiety, implicate, insight, incident, insist, incisors, invoke, inviolable, invert, incline, inclement, institution, inequality, indifference, indivisible, interstate, infraordinary, infrared, interalia, intestine, ilium, ill, ilk, ire, is, in, ides, impel, imperium, imperial, if, id, it, igloo, ingress, insert, insurrection, instability, inkling, interfere, invade, invasion, inveterate, inquisition, inquisitor, iniquity, intellectual, integer, inner, innervate, inoculate, innocuous, inn, idiot, indecent, ideology, ideal, idea, indoor, invalid, inebriate, intensity, intrigue, isle, island, ice, ichthyology, interrogation, ibex, interior, iguana, imply, implore, impetigo, inferno, infer, infertility, infantilize, infant, icky, incremental, index, injure, inure, inspection, inspector, interest, interspace, intersperse, inquest, icicle, inflow, iteration, invisible, increase, incorrigible, ion, ingrate jackal, jackalope, jovial, job, jobless, jobber, join, joining, joint, jolly, joy, jot, jaundice, javelin, jet, jetty, jelly, joke, joker, joking, jowl, joust, journal, journalist, journaling, journey, journeyman, jute, jubilee, jubilation, jujutsu, jicama, jar, jarring, jerk, jerky, jump, jumper, jumping, junk, junkie, jury-rig, jury, juror, juridical, judgment, judged, judge, judging, jug, juggle, juggler, juggling, jungle, junta, jail, jailhouse, jailbird, jailbait, jacket, jack, jack-inthe-box, jolt, jonquil, jig, jade, jaded, jalopy, joules, jimmy, jingo, jut, jutting, jazz, jasper, jag, jagged, jilt, jilted, jib, jab, jabbing, jabber, justice, just, juice, juniper, jerry, juke, jukebox, juvenile, jostle, jostling, jog, jogger, jogging, jaguar, jugular, jive, jewel, jeweler, jewelry, jumble, jackfruit, jackdaw, jaw, jest, jester, jesting, jezebel, jersey, jingle, jangle, jibe, jock, jockstrap, jocular, jocund, jargon, jitter, jittery, jeans, jeep, jeer, jumbo, jure, jejune, jejunum, jape, jerboa

0846. The Utoposcale

Recently, I was comparing utopian literature to dystopian literature and found utopias to be narratively stale compared to dystopias. Protagonists in utopian literature often travel to or are told about an existing utopia, making their narrative conflict a decision about whether to go to or stay in utopia. Almost all utopian literature seems to be saying, “We’re in an okay place, but there’s a better place out there, and maybe I’ll go there.”

However, protagonists in dystopian literature are trying to leave or change the dystopia they’re in, often by force. Almost all dystopian literature seems to be saying, “We’re in an awful place, but there’s a better place out there, and I’m going to get there or die trying.” This makes the struggle of dystopian protagonists more dynamic than utopian protagonists.

Thinking about this, I asked myself: Couldn’t all literature, especially genre literature, be seen as utopian or dystopian?

I understand I’m broadly generalizing, but follow me here: Couldn’t we lay out all literary works and the characters, families, societies, and environments they contain along the lines of a utopia and dystopia, where a tragedy is a move to the right towards a predatory, selfish, fascist autopia for one, and a comedy is a move to the left towards a carefree, selfless, socialist utopia for all?

It seems to me that all literature falls somewhere along this line, determining their character’s behaviors and the conflict motivating the story’s plot. all — most — many — few — one utopia — eutopia — topia — dystopia — autopia selfless — clanless — moderate — clannish — selfish carefree — co-operative — mixed — competitive — predatory

0847. Sometimes I Pee on My Feet

Sometimes I pee on my feet. I don’t mean to, but sometimes it happens.

I have to admit, it’s embarrassing to watch my pee stream out sideways and feel it land on my feet and hear it land on the floor.

Sometimes I panic when this happens, especially if I’m wearing shoes or sneakers, and I know the wet spots will be plainly visible when I leave the bathroom. I panic less when I’m alone at home and I panic more when I’m out in public.

Just to clarify, by “out in public,” I don’t mean I’m openly peeing out in public. What I mean is: I’m peeing in a private bathroom that’s not in the privacy of my own home. Luckily, peeing on my feet happens more at home than out in public because I’m almost always home.

Sadly, peeing sideways onto my feet remains a thing and has become a second option to peeing straight into the toilet.

Speaking of options, there are two when peeing sideways.

The first is to turn at the hips and redirect the stream into the toilet.

I like this option the least because it means having to pee back across my feet, the side of the toilet, and the toilet rim. This option makes a real mess and I don’t suggest choosing it. But if you’re tired or drunk, this may be the only option available.

The second option is to stop peeing. Just shut it off, move, shake it out, and start peeing again. This is the option I usually choose.

0848. Paradise Lust

About a decade ago, I was living in New York City and working on a film project with some friends. When it started losing steam; we talked about other ways we could use the little time, energy, and money we had remaining to transition to a more profitable project. One of the producers mentioned that horror and pornography are both moneymakers and could be avenues to explore. I never had any real interest in either, but the thought was put into my head, and my brain, doing what it does, started surreptitiously searching for connections.

At the time, I was reading Milton’s Paradise Lost, and after noting that all the angels were male and quarreling with each other and their “daddy” like some of the gay men I knew, I thought maybe I had the seed of a story for a horrorish gay porn called Paradise Lust: In heaven, God reveals a strapping, wingless Adam and sets him over all the angels because of his free will. God asks Adam to choose a partner amongst his angels. Adam chooses Jesus. Lucifer becomes jealous and angry that he wasn’t chosen and attempts to seduce Adam away from Jesus, but fails. As a reward for revealing who the rebellious angels are, God puts Adam into Paradise with Evan, warning them not to eat the forbidden fruit from the Tree. A vengeful Lucifer slithers into Paradise and tempts Evan and Adam into eating the fruit. When God learns of this, he turns Evan into Eve and casts them and Lucifer out of Paradise.

0849. Cock Cannon

Joel leaned into the microphone and began his commentary. “And here we are again folks, Laceratrix has just entered the arena and is squaring off with the challenger for the title, Devastorm. Competing for the first time together, Devastorm is a heavily armored and weaponed warbot capable of laying down a barrage of long-range missiles and firepower. But will Devastorm’s deadly salvos be enough to stop the blinding speed and lethal close-quarter combat of Laceratrix? What do you think, Dean?”

“I don’t know,” Dean said. “If Devastorm can stop her at a distance, yes. But if she gets up close...”

“That’s how I see it, too,” Joel said. “Well, it looks like the countdown to combat is starting. Count with me 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And Laceratrix is off, trying to close the gap as Devastorm launches a hail of missiles and crisscrossed laser fire.”

“Look at her weave and pirouette, Joel. She has the agility of a dancer.”

“That she does. Her speed is so great that I don’t think Devastorm’s targeting systems can get a lock on her.”

“He might have to rely on his eyes instead,” Dean said.

“Indeed. But it looks like he won’t have time because Laceratrix is about to engage. And there — she has him! Her diamond tipped saw blades are cutting through his face and neck. But what’s that I see rising up between Devastorm’s legs?”

“It looks like a cock cannon, Joel!” Dean yelled excitedly.

Joel cupped the mic. “You can’t say shit like that, Dean. This is a family show.”

0850. Hello, My Name Is [full name and title]

Odd Infinitum landed at the Neutral Space Station. Upon exiting his ship, he was greeted by a robot functionary.

“Welcome to the N.S.S., Ambassador. Please supply the following information,” the functionary intoned, holding out a tablet before him.

Odd looked over the tablet.

Hello, my name is [full name and title] representing [name of planet]. [name of planet] is a planet in the [name of star system]. The [name of star system] is part of the [name of galaxy]. The [name of galaxy] is part of the [name of group]. The [name of group] is part of the [name of supercluster]. The [name of supercluster] is part of [name of the greater supercluster].

It was a normal Security Protocol Form that had to be filled out to confirm his identity. He quickly typed in the required information.

Hello, my name is Ambassador Odd Infinitum representing Earth. Earth is a planet in the Solar System. The Solar System is part of the Milky Way Galaxy. The Milky Way Galaxy is part of the Local Group. The Local Group is part of the Virgo Supercluster. The Virgo Supercluster is part of the Laniakea Supercluster.

“This way, Ambassador,” the functionary intoned.

Odd followed the robot to his platform in the assembly hall.

“Here we are,” the functionary intoned.

“Thank you,” Odd said, stepping onto the platform.

Odd walked to the railing and leaned on it with both hands. Looking out on the sea of alien faces, his chest swelled with pride.

Catching the eye of Erglek, the Furmian Ambassador, Odd smiled and waved.

0851. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letters K & L kangaroo, koala, kookaburra, kite, kettle, kerchief, kingdom, king, kingly, kin, kind, kith, kiln, kibble, kebob, kestrel, kiwi, killdeer, kill, killer, kiss, kip, kipper, key, keyed, keyhole, keen, keep, keeper, kept, kleptomaniac, kleptocracy, kernel, kerf, kabuki, koan, kilt, kooky, kismet, kenning, kennel, ken, kelvin, keg, keel, kindred, kendo, kindling, kindle, kindergarten, kid, kidding, kudzu, kazoo, kudos, kick, kickstand, kir, kirsch, kirtan lament, lamprey, lamppost, lamp, lunar, lunatic, loon, library, librarian, liberty, liberation, libertine, liberal, left, lingo, lounge, lung, lunge, low, lower, load, loose, lose, lube, lubricious, lute, loot, lure, lurid, lewd, less, lie, lying, laying, lay, lintel, lentil, little, libel, libidinal, libido, lid, lip, limb, limn, lit, light, lyre, line, life, live, love, lore, lorry, lame, labial, laid, languish, launder, laundry, lawn, linger, longer, long, lost, loquacious, languid, languor, lane, lace, labor, lard, law, laud, laudanum, lazy, loquat, lime, lemon, lighter, lion, literal, littoral, list, lisp, lash, lave, lavage, lava, lavender, lovely, lot, lottery, lotus, lobe, laugh, laughter, label, liable, liability, liana, lasso, lead, led, lexicon, leader, leap, lean, leer, leash, least, liver, lover, louver, looter, loser, looser, loofa, lollipop, lollygag, loll, livid, llama, lambaste, lamb, lambent, lantern, land, landlocked, landmass, landfall, landed, lanky, lord, lordly, lady, ladylike, ladybug, ladle, lad, lapin, lupus, loop, loopy, loupe, loom, look, lookout, lookalike, lukewarm, lucid, lapis, lapidary, lemur, lemures, learn, learned, leaf, livery, livelihood, livestock, level, latitude, longitude, lateral, leather, leaver, leaven, lathe, lather, lacerate, lack, lacquer, lacrimose, lacrimary, lactate, locate, local, locale, locus, lumbar, lumber, lance, lancet, lancer, load, lode, lodestone, lozenge, lariat, laureate, laurel, lox, lock, lag, leg, log, lug, liminal, last

0852. Listless

It struck me today that some readers might not like the lists I make. I imagine these list-disliking readers seeing a story of lists and skipping over it, thinking: What’s up with this guy and his lists?

First, I want to convey how much I enjoy making lists. Take, for instance, the letter lists of late. These give me such pleasure to write because I have to come up with 260 words starting with the same letter.

What comes out of this is something like a Rorschach test of my current mental framing and perceptive powers. In this way, the letter lists tell a story about me. But I encourage you to try it too. It’s quite illuminating; especially when you notice all the obvious words you’ve left out.

Further, the letter lists tell a story about letters. When you put 260 words starting with the same letter together, the letter takes on a certain sound, shape, character, and meaning that wouldn’t have revealed itself in the format of, say, a dictionary. Much of this meaning is, of course, based on my idiosyncratic selection process. But, whenever you put 260 of anything together in the same place, i.e. people in a village, the individual peoplewords taken together tell a larger story about the singular village-letter.

I challenge the listless reader of my lists to return to them to see if a pattern of meaning emerges out of them. And if a pattern can’t be found, then I encourage the reader to read the words for the joy of their sound.

0853. What’s Wrong Babe?

When she came into the room, he smiled at her.

She noticed something was off with his face, compelling her to approach him and touch it.

“What’s wrong, babe?” he asked, laughing between her probing fingers.

She wasn’t sure, but there was something about his face that looked and felt off.

To figure out what it was, she rubbed his cheeks in circles.

“Anything wrong, babe?” he asked, as his mouth was pressed side-toside between her thumbs.

Something was wrong.

She rubbed in more aggressive circles until the skin of his face started to stretch and thin around her hands.

She gasped.

“What’s wrong, babe?” he asked, laughing as his skin sagged around her circling hands like over-kneaded dough.

As he laughed, his skin began falling off into her hands and onto the floor.

She looked at the skin stretched between her fingers and hands.

When she looked up, she screamed at the red muscled and white skulled head looking back at her.

“What’s wrong, babe?” his fleshless face asked, still laughing.

She screamed again louder and tried to press the thin strips of his dough-like skin back onto his face.

But he only laughed louder, causing the skin that she had stuck back onto his face to fall to the floor.

“No, no, no, no, no,” she muttered in horror, as she bent to retrieve the skin and reapply it. As she pressed it in place, she said, “I’m sorry,” through tears. “But it just won’t stick.”

“What’s wrong, babe?” he asked and continued to laugh his head off.

0854. De pro-fundus

From Psalm 130: De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine. Out of the depths, I call to you, O Lord. Out from what depths? The depths of devouring hunger in the bottomless stomach of greed. The fundus is the bottom of the stomach. We must be pro-fundus by defunding the armies of our police and military and putting a floor on the stomach of the lifedestroying greed they represent. We’re out of our depths funding our endless domestic and foreign wars.

“Defund us” is what any sane citizen of America and the world should be saying in this perilous time of class crisis. “Defund us” is what any sane cop or soldier should be saying in this perilous time of moral crisis.

“Defund us” is what any sane human should be saying in this perilous time of environmental crisis. The call should be coming from all of our depths and shouted to high heaven. De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine.

The fundus of any open eye can see we need this. We who have cast out the beams from our own eyes can now pluck the mote from out of our brother’s and sister’s eyes. De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine.

For centuries the lonely cry has been from Psalm 42: Abyssus abyssum invocat. Deep calls unto deep. Long is the night for those suffering under tyranny. Quare oblitus es mei? Why hast Thou forgotten me? Is the call from the darkest depths of oppression. De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine.

Perhaps now the God within all of us will answer.

0855. Well?

It also struck me today that some readers might be confused about my relationship to Christ and Christianity. While I’m not a Christian, I love Christ. I love his teachings. But for me, he’s not the One. For me, no one’s the One. For me, everyone’s the One because the sum of everyone is One. You can learn from all people. People teach you even when they’re not teaching you. Everyone’s a teacher and everything’s a lesson if you’re willing to be instructed by them and it.

So, I can love Christ and learn from his teachings without being a Christian. In the same way, I can love the Bible without being devoted to it. I love Genesis and Job and the Psalms and the Song of Songs and Jonah. I absolutely love them. I especially love reading the Psalms in Latin.

They give me that feeling I get when I read about the Christian mystics and the Desert Fathers and Mothers. But I can’t be singularly devoted to them because I get that feeling from other books too, like the Upanishads, the Ramayana, and the Gita, like the Tao Te Ching, the Chuang Tzu, and the poetry of Rumi, Kabir, Hafiz, Basho, Blake, Whitman, Dickinson, Stevens, and Eliot. All of these books and poets are sources of great wisdom that yield endless insight. I can return to them again and again and their wells never run dry. So, why would I give up many wells for one well? Why favor one when they’re all drawing from the same source?

0856. Kill Your Idols

I don’t want to be beneath my favorite books, writers, and teachers in stupefied supine supplication. I want to walk with them hand in hand. I want to have a conversation with them. I want to joke with them and take the piss out of them and sling mud in their eye and laugh at them and with them. I want to wink knowingly at them and smile at them and dig my elbow into their ribs to remind them, and myself, that I carry the same light inside me as they do.

This is the relationship I want with them and from them. I don’t want them over me. I don’t want me under them. I want to stand with them as equals. Not on the level of talent or beauty or lyricism, but on the level of the mind, the heart, and the soul. Because they know as well as I do that once you strip away the surface differences we’re all God underneath.

This is why I can’t be devoted as such. This is something I always wanted my father to understand. He always demanded unquestioning respect and obsequious devotion, which means he unfairly and disproportionately wanted the respect and devotion I have for myself given to him while never offering the same in return.

This is why I can’t live in paralyzing one-sided relationships with my idols. This is why I always kill, fight, wrestle, spar, sport, joke, and kid with them. If they’re strong enough to handle it, then I can be devoted as such.

0857. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter M murder, mayhem, may, mayday, mercy, merciless, merciful, medicine, medicinal, mercury, men, man, mental, mentor, mint, mantle, mast, mastectomy, mammary, mammal, mammoth, meteor, metal, meddle, meddling, master, mister, mistress, madam, mandolin, mandatory, mandate, mandrake, mandarin, manticore, mantis, malcontent, malt, molt, molten, more, moment, momentum, momentous, mortuary, mordant, morgue, morose, moccasin, mocha, mole, molé, malingerer, malnutrition, malice, maze, maize, mace, morning, mourning, mound, museum, muse, music, mustard, musty, must, mist, misty, mystique, mystery, misery, misappropriation, misapply, misanthrope, mazurka, mason, masonry, most, moist, moil, mouth, mare, manage, management, melon, memory, memorial, mistake, miff, mop, map, mark, make, maker, macramé, macro, micro, matter, mater, matron, mother, moth, myth, mythology, move, movement, mauve, mouse, moisture, maw, mope, mesa, magazine, mead, meadow, meadowlark, mewl, mew, meow, mute, mutter, mutton, maverick, maven, martyr, martin, marten, marlin, marbled, marmoreal, marmoset, marmalade, might, miter, mire, mural, moron, mode, modality, mundane, methane, meld, membrane, member, menial, monastery, monk, mat, math, mill, milk, millimeter, millisecond, millipede, million, milquetoast, medal, mendacious, mend, masticate, mess, mesh, mask, masque, masquerade, me, my, mine, miner, minor, major, majeure, majesty, majestic, magnet, magnum, magnitude, magnate, magnanimity, magus, magic, magister, mezzanine, muzzle, mugger, mug, mud, mold, molder, malevolent, male, mannequin, manner, manor, money, monetize, monism, monocle, mountain, mount, mad, maddening, maid, mail, mull, mulled, multiple, multiplex, multiply, moly, mollify, moll, mush, mash, marginal, margarine, mortal, morsel, mile, mind, mild, miller, made, make, model, mellow, mallow, mall, molybdenum, miser, miserable, misery, mingle, mangle, mongrel, mongoose, mongoloid, mermaid, merry, mnemonic, muffle, military, militant, mildew, millennial, millennium, mutt, mirth, melt, mollycoddle, many, minimum, maximum, molar, moaner, moan, moat, mote, motility

0858. The Absentminded Professor

At a paleontological dig site, Bob carefully chiseled around a fossil. As he cleared away the debris, he gasped in shock.

“John!” Bob yelled over his shoulder, barely able to get his mentor’s name out.

John dropped his tools and ran to Bob. “What is it?”

Bob pointed mutely to the fossil.

John leaned over and looked. “Is that?”

Bob nodded.

“But how?”

A century after Bob discovered the partial skeleton of a modern human near a partial skeleton of a Parasaurolophus from the late Cretaceous, Professor Partridge was perfecting his time-travel portal at a research facility in New Mexico.

Professor Partridge had thought a lot about where he wanted to go in the past. After much debate, he finally settled on something that had intrigued him since he was a child: the dinosaur extinction event.

The scientific consensus was still the Chicxulub asteroid impact near the Yucatan peninsula in Mexico. So, when the time-travel portal was ready, Professor Partridge put in his key and set the time to 66 million years ago and place to nearby Wheeler Peak.

The portal opened and Professor Partridge stepped into the past.

Seeing that everything was safe, Professor Partridge built another portal in the past so he could "close the door" behind him, preventing anything from getting into the future.

To test the second portal, Professor Partridge "closed the door;" but when he tried to reopen it, he realized, to his horror, that he had locked himself out. He nervously patted every pocket he had for the key, but it wasn’t on him.

0859. Shakespeare in Quarantine

Early during the COVID-19 pandemic, Shakespeare scholars wrote many popular articles reminding us that the Bard was probably born during or after the 1563 London plague and probably wrote many of his most famous works while under quarantine during the many deadly outbreaks of the bubonic plague that intermittently ravaged England throughout his lifetime.

To prove the impact and presence of the plague in Shakespeare’s works, these scholars showed us examples from many of his plays, the most famous probably coming from Romeo and Juliet, written in 1595, when a mortally wounded Mercutio curses Capulets and Montagues alike with his cry of, “A plague a’ both your houses.”

But it was the 1606 quarantine that these scholars point to as Shakespeare’s most fertile period during which he reputedly wrote the timeless tragedies King Lear, Macbeth, and Antony and Cleopatra.

Incidentally, this puts Shakespeare at the ripe old age of 42, the same age I am now. It’s a funny but meaningless coincidence that the Bard and I have completed some of our finest work(s) at the same age under quarantine.

Be that as it may. Despite Shakespeare’s greatness, his genius wasn’t recognized during his lifetime. His fame only took off after his death until he became the most performed playwright and, arguably, the greatest dramatist and writer in human history.

When I meet Shakespeare in the afterlife, I’m going to ask him with a wink, “Bill, buddy, did you ever think you’d get so famous that the characters from your plays would become the names of moons circling around Uranus?”

0860. Schizoptics: Divide, Confuse, and Conquer Optics is a term from public relations that means how something will be perceived. Schizo is from the Greek meaning ‘to split.’ Schizoptics is my term to describe how American media outlets, like newspapers and cable news, split perception on current events by polarizing the American public into two warring camps, conservative and liberal, though most liberals aren’t liberals, but, at best, centrists.

Before the pandemic, schizoptics was used by the Republican and Democrat duopoly to create pro- and anti-Trump factions through their respective media outlets in a Punch and Judy-style, he said/she said, back and forth that mesmerized the public with pure puppet theatre. Schizoptics was successfully used by both parties to attack quasi-communist countries and shore up support for American capitalist hegemony, allowing them to red-bait the American public’s growing support for socialism. Republicans used it to “get tough” on China through tariffs, which work by driving up prices for American consumers, to show Trump’s strength, and Democrats used it to attack Russia, in a baseless conspiracy theory about Trump’s collusion with Putin, to show his weakness.

During the pandemic, schizoptics was used by the conservative media to pressure the public to return to unsafe working conditions and actively supported the armed anti-lockdown protestors storming state capitals.

The liberal media shamed these protestors as selfish and reckless, but when the George Floyd protests broke out, they did a 180-degree reversal, citing many public health professionals who suddenly seemed to believe that the infection risks for these protestors was negligible. Conservative media stepped in to call these protests riots…

0861. Schizoptics: Unite, Organize, and Rally

There are two ways to heal the schizoptic divide caused by the duplicitousness and hypocrisy of our elected officials.

The first is to see through their smokescreen to their real words and actions.

Examples: Nancy Pelosi tears up President Donald Trump’s State of the Union address or holds up her own Bible as defiant acts against a president she appears to loathe. But behind the smokescreen we see her real words and actions in the legislation she passed, like Trump’s increased military and border wall budget and the 5 trillion dollar handout to the richest Americans in the C.A.R.E.S. Act. She did all of this quietly and submissively, without any of her meaningless theatrics.

The second is to ironically juxtapose their words and actions across space and time.

Example for space: On June 1st 2020, a split screen showed Trump’s Rose Garden speech where he was saying, “I am your president of law and order and an ally of all peaceful protesters,” on one screen as the D.C. National Guard, Park Police, and Secret Service were violently removing peaceful protestors from Lafayette Square on the other. All of this was to allow Trump to get a photo of himself standing in front of St. John’s Episcopal Church holding a Bible.

Example for time: In 1994, Senator Joe Biden passed the Violent Crime and Law Enforcement Act that added more police to the streets and doubled the prison population, disproportionately affecting black Americans. In 2020, George Floyd is murdered by Minneapolis police and Joe Biden gives a speech at his funeral.

0862. The Time Organ

Looking up from the cadaver to Tklktklktk, Xenobiologist Avander Celios asked, “This is it here, correct?” his translator repeating the question in Xtlxtli after he finished speaking.

Tklktklktk nodded her chitinous head, pressed the translator at her throat, and spoke her dry, spiky language, gesturing with her claws and mandibles. After a delay, the translator said, “Yes. That is the time organ.

It gives us Xtlxtli the ability to experience time as a continuum stretching from the present moment into the recent past.”

Avander studied the dissected head again. The time organ looked like a cluster of gray grapes. He delicately probed around them, tracing the nerves into and out of the organ. “By its placement, and the way the nerves from all the sense organs pass through it, it must affect total perception.”

“That is correct,” Tklktklktk said. “It holds the echo of the past, and allows us to perceive roughly a minute of continual time.”

“Amazing,” Avander said. “That means objects in motion stretch from a point into a line and an object standing still would become a shimmering blur from all of its micromovements. I wish I could see as you see, even for a moment.”

Tklktklktk approached the body, plucked a grape, and handed it to Avander. “Eat and see,” she said.

Avander took the grape but hesitated.

“It is safe and still fresh,” she said, gesturing for him to eat.

Avander chewed the grape, swallowed, and waited for its effect.

Nothing happened until Tklktklktk moved away from him, stretching out in time like a centipede.

0863. The Sword of the Mind I

I. The Sword of the Mind The Sword of the Mind is the Mind of the Child Undivided from the Undivided World. In the Furnace of the Child’s Mind, all the elements of the Sword are gathered: The Ore of Ego, raw and unformed, is smelted in its Crucible, fueled by the Wood of Experience, and the breath from the Bellows of Learning. Then, the Ore is heated and hammered, folded and forged, in the Fires of Knowledge. The Sword is then coated with clay and quenched and cooled in the Waters of Self-Awareness. Finally, the Sword is oiled and whetted with the Stone of Repetition. When the Sword of the Mind is sharpened and honed, its keen edge is ready to be tested on the Undivided Body of the World.

II. The Sword of Severance The Sword of Severance is the Sword of the Mind of the Child Divided from the Undivided World. It is the state of the drawn Sword that cuts the Child clean from the Umbilicus of the World Body. Separated, the Child, now wholly Itself, divides the Body of the World into the Myriad Matter of the Ten Thousand Things. Thus, the Sword of Severance is known by many names. It is called, at times, the Sword of Self, the Sword of Sentience, the Sword of Separation, or the Sword of Subtlety. It is Subtle because it has the Power to divide that which is divided, until the subdivisions of subdivisions have subdivisions. Its keen edge cleaves all substances no matter how elementary or fine.

0864. The Sword of the Mind II

III. The Silver Slaying Sword The Silver Slaying Sword is the Sword of the Mind of the Young Adult Divided from the Undivided World. It is the Sword of Discrimination, which cuts through the Body of the World, parceling it out, passing judgment, and imparting value to its divisions and subdivisions. Then, it Selfishly seeks to possess the choicest, richest, and most precious divisions for its Self, and under the Banner of its Sword, it goes on the Offense against the Other to increase its wealth and holdings. And through the Violence of its Sword, it gains more divisions and subdivisions to add to its stores, and sets up Fences and Fortifications, Police and Patrols in Defense around the Borders of its Self and Property.

IV. The Sword That Cuts Both Ways The Sword That Cuts Both Ways is the Sword of the Mind of the Young Adult who becomes aware that they themselves have become Divided from the Undivided World. Standing apart from, yet remaining a part of, the Body of the Undivided World, the Sword changes from the Defense of Self to the Offense of Self. When the Other is recognized as the Same, the Sword, in despair and regret, turns on its Self with Violence. And the Violence, once ruthlessly perpetuated without, is now ruthlessly perpetuated within. For the Sword desperately seeks the Source of its Separation. And in an act of Self-destruction, the Self uses its Sword to cleave its Mind cleanly into divisions and subdivisions, and subdivisions of subdivisions, until nothing but the Sword remains.

0865. The Sword of the Mind III

V. The Swordless Sword The Swordless Sword is the Sword of the Mind of the Adult who realizes that they never were Divided from the Undivided World, that there was only ever the Illusion of Division, and that their Sword and the World are One. For the Mind, having committed great acts of Violence against the World, Others, and its Self, must slay its Self with its Self, by falling upon the Sword of Self, thereby annihilating Itself. Thus, the Sword of the Self enters back into the Undivided Body of the World where it is Sheathed.

And all divisions are rejoined, and all opposites are reconciled, in the Knowledge of Indivisiblity and Atonement expressed through Love of the World, Compassion for Others, and Forgiveness of the Self.

VI. The Unweapon of Love The Unweapon of Love is the Sheathed Sword of the Mind of the Adult wherein the Sword of the Mind of the Adult and the Sheath of the World are united as One. Here, all differentiation is extinguished, all division is unified, and all disproportions, balanced. The Unweapon of Love is the serene center of Undividedness, It is the immovable hub around which all Life turns. The Unweapon of Love accepts all things without discrimination because it knows all things to be Its Self. There is no one and no thing that It is not. Therefore, It gives of Itself without hesitation or calculation because It is the Source of endless abundance giving in Grace and Love to the World of which it is indivisibly a part.

0866. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter N no, normal, norm, normative, narwhal, nautical, nautilus, naught, naughty, nay, neigh, neighbor, neighborhood, neighborly, negative, negate, nag, none, nonetheless, nor, north, northern, northerly, nocturnal, noctambulant, nocturne, nacre, naked, nacelle, nascent, nasty, nice, necessary, nest, nesting, nestling, new, newel, newt, neuter, neutral, neutralize, neutrality, nutrition, nutriment, nutrient, neutrino, newlywed, news, nuclear, nucleus, nucleon, name, nameless, night, nigh, nightmare, noun, now, nowhere, note, noteworthy, notary, not, nothing, nope, nod, nodding, nature, natural, natty, natal, nativity, native, nosegay, nose, nostril, nostrum, novel, novelist, navel, naval, navy, neap, neat, neatly, near, nearby, nearly, never, nevermore, nebula, nebulous, net, nettle, next, nation, nationalism, nationhood, neglect, neglectful, negligence, neon, neo, neologism, nematode, neutrophil, nasal, node, nodal, need, needful, needless, needle, niece, nephew, nugget, nougat, noon, noonday, noose, noodle, noob, nubile, neem, nomad, nozzle, nuzzle, nihilism, nihilist, null, nullify, nullity, nude, nudity, nil, navigate, navigator, navigation, novella, novelette, nova, nouveau, newspaper, newsprint, newspeak, narcotic, narcolepsy, nicotine, nickel, nick, neck, necklace, necktie, necropsy, necropolis, necrophagous, necromancer, necrotic, nimble, number, numb, numberless, numeral, numerology, numeration, numerous, numinous, nut, nutty, nutter, nutting, nix, nickelodeon, nonexistent, nonagon, nine, nineteen, nana, nanny, naan, naga, nectarines, nectar, nachos, nonentity, nonbeliever, nonsense, nonperson, nonpareils, nun, nunnery, nibble, nib, nab, nob, nabob, noble, noblesse, nobility, novena, nary, nail, nape, nap, napkin, ninja, nerd, nurse, nursing, nursery, nipple, nip, nit, nitrogen, nylon, nictitating, nurture, nurturing, nerve, nervous, nephrology, nephrologist, nephron, nepotism, notch, niche, nook, nave, narthex, notice, novice, naïve, narrate, narrator, narrative, noise, noisome, noir, nosy, nasturtium, nadir, nuncle, normal, normalize, normality, normative, numina, nub, nuchal, narcissist, narcissus, nescience, nonce, nausea, neither, nobody, nowhere, nowhen, nohow

0867. Global Warming and Pascal’s Wager

The data is unequivocal, climate scientists the world round have concluded that the Earth is warming because of the increase of atmospheric carbon dioxide and methane from burning fossil fuels and extensive animal agriculture.

Everyone seems to implicitly understand this threat to our existence, except fringe scientists, conspiracy theorists, the Christian Right, and the fossil fuel and animal agriculture industries. Unfortunately, these marginal supporters of climate change denialism have been controlling the public narrative for so long that our government has become captured and paralyzed by their efforts.

Still, it seems insane to me that, with an existential crisis of this magnitude looming over us, climate change deniers wouldn’t want to operate under the logic of Pascal’s Wager.

Philosopher Blaise Pascal describes his “wager” in his posthumous collection Pensées, or Thoughts. Originally, it was for the belief in God, but it can just as easily be applied to the belief in global warming.

If global warming isn’t real and we respond to it as if it isn’t real, then we’ve lost nothing. If global warming isn’t real but we respond to it as if it is real, then we’ve only incurred the costs of transitioning to new fuel sources and diets. However, if global warming is real but we respond to it as if it isn’t real, then we risk extinction. And if global warming is real and we respond to it as if it is real, then we have a chance of salvation.

By this logic, the risk is too great not to err on the side of caution.

0868. Goodnight Earth

Goodnight atmosphere. Goodnight air currents. Goodnight Antarctic ice. Goodnight arctic ice. Goodnight icebergs. Goodnight ocean currents. Goodnight water columns. Goodnight oceans. Goodnight islands. Goodnight archipelagos. Goodnight atolls. Goodnight lagoons.

Goodnight seas. Goodnight sounds. Goodnight capes. Goodnight bays.

Goodnight straits. Goodnight channels. Goodnight gulfs. Goodnight deltas. Goodnight coasts. Goodnight isthmuses. Goodnight peninsulas.

Goodnight beaches. Goodnight cliffs. Goodnight glaciers. Goodnight tundra. Goodnight taiga. Goodnight permafrost. Goodnight rivers.

Goodnight lakes. Goodnight ponds.

Goodnight reefs. Goodnight shoals. Goodnight mangroves.

Goodnight bogs. Goodnight marshes. Goodnight swamps. Goodnight wetlands. Goodnight rainforests. Goodnight cloud forests. Goodnight jungles. Goodnight forests. Goodnight woodlands. Goodnight scrublands. Goodnight grasslands. Goodnight meadows. Goodnight plains. Goodnight prairies. Goodnight savannas. Goodnight steppes.

Goodnight eukaryotes. Goodnight algae. Goodnight seaweed.

Goodnight plants. Goodnight trees. Goodnight fungi. Goodnight animals.

Goodnight plankton. Goodnight insects. Goodnight fish. Goodnight amphibians. Goodnight reptiles. Goodnight birds. Goodnight mammals.

Goodnight bees. Goodnight butterflies. Goodnight caribou.

Goodnight coral. Goodnight elephants. Goodnight fish. Goodnight foxes.

Goodnight frogs. Goodnight giraffes. Goodnight gorillas. Goodnight lions. Goodnight orangutans. Goodnight pandas. Goodnight pangolins.

Goodnight penguins. Goodnight polar bears. Goodnight rhinos.

Goodnight sea turtles. Goodnight seabirds. Goodnight seals. Goodnight songbirds. Goodnight tigers. Goodnight toads. Goodnight whales.

Goodnight coastal countries. Goodnight Bangladesh. Goodnight Comoros. Goodnight Haiti. Goodnight Hong Kong. Goodnight Kiribati.

Goodnight Maldives. Goodnight Micronesian States. Goodnight Nauru.

Goodnight Palau. Goodnight Seychelles. Goodnight Tongo. Goodnight Tuvalu.

Goodnight coastal cities. Goodnight Alexandria. Goodnight Bangkok. Goodnight Chennai. Goodnight Houston. Goodnight Jakarta.

Goodnight Lagos. Goodnight London. Goodnight Manila. Goodnight Miami. Goodnight Mumbai. Goodnight New Orleans. Goodnight New York City. Goodnight Osaka. Goodnight Rio de Janeiro. Goodnight Shanghai. Goodnight the Hague.

Goodnight people.

Goodnight Earth.

0869. Notes on the Underground Man

The Underground Man’s sins are jealousy and pride. He is jealous of those who have power and the pride that accompanies it. The Underground Man has the pride of power without having power. This is why the Underground Man wishes to be noticed, to matter, because to be noticed and to matter is to have power. To gain the power he covets, the Underground Man acts in a way that solicits responses to offend his pride. When his pride is offended, he can attempt to settle the offense to his honor and gain the power that will elevate him "aboveground." To empower himself, he replays the incident over and over in his head. By repeating his humiliation and pain, he masochistically carves the experience into his memory until it becomes the entirety of his world. Filled with the power of purpose, the Underground Man plots his revenge, exulting in the "aboveground" power he will gain at its successful execution. But whenever the time comes to act, his courage fails him and he turns against himself. And, in the ultimate grand gesture of self-loathing critique, the Underground Man begins recording notes about his powerlessness.

The Underground Man is not to be trusted, though he tells us he’s writing honestly about himself, that he’s looking directly into the mirror to set the record down and straight, the bitter reality of his notes are that they are his final act of self-sabotage whose ultimate aim is to concretize his failures into a permanent obstacle that will forever prevent him from any meaningful change.

0870. Givaninch

One morning, Givaninch went to his well to draw water and found Taykafoot there stealing his water.

Givaninch grew angry. “Taykafoot, this is my well on my property.

Why are you stealing my water?” Givaninch demanded.

“I’m sorry, Givaninch. My well has run dry and I need water for my family. I was embarrassed to ask you and came here to draw some water to bring back to them. Please let me take some water,” Taykafoot pleaded.

Givaninch thought about Taykafoot’s plea and found himself unable to withhold water from Taykafoot and his family, and so conceded.

Taykafoot thanked Givaninch and left with the water.

For the rest of the day, Givaninch felt good about his generosity.

The next morning, Givaninch went to his well and found signs that someone had been there before him. Givaninch suspected Taykafoot.

After taking his ration of water, he returned home.

When Givaninch went to collect eggs for breakfast, he found Taykafoot there stealing eggs.

Givaninch grew angry. “Taykafoot, these are my chickens on my property. Why are you stealing my eggs?” Givaninch demanded.

“I’m sorry, Givaninch. My chickens have died and I need eggs for my family. I was embarrassed to ask you and came here to collect some eggs to bring back to them. Please let me take some eggs,” Taykafoot pleaded.

Givaninch thought about Taykafoot’s plea and found himself unable to withhold eggs from Taykafoot and his family, and so conceded.

Taykafoot thanked him and left with the eggs.

For the rest of the day, Givaninch felt good about his generosity.

0871. Taykafoot

The next morning, Givaninch went to his well to draw water and again found signs that someone had been there before him. After returning home, Givaninch went to collect eggs for breakfast and found fewer eggs than were normally laid. Suspecting Taykafoot was there stealing from him before he woke, Givaninch grew angry.

Givaninch thought it prudent to check the rest of his property. He reasoned that if Taykafoot was bold enough to steal his water and eggs, then he might be bold enough to steal his cattle. Givaninch grabbed his ax and walked to the corral to check his herd.

Sure enough, Taykafoot was there, tying up one of his cows and leading her away. Givaninch stealthily followed Taykafoot back to his property. Along the way, he reasoned that perhaps Taykafoot needed milk for his family. Perhaps a sick wife or child was motivating him to steal.

Givaninch hoped this was so.

But when Givaninch reached Taykafoot’s property, he saw Taykafoot lead his cow into an enclosure where it was released into an enormous healthy herd. Givaninch grew angrier, but decided to check Taykafoot’s chicken coop and well before acting.

When Givaninch looked into Taykafoot’s coop, he saw hundreds of healthy chickens. When Givaninch looked into Taykafoot’s well, he saw it was overfull.

Givaninch became enraged and raised his ax. But before he could storm off to find Taykafoot, a voice called to him.

Behind him stood many men. Each shared the same story as Givaninch and each were there to kill Taykafoot and take back what was theirs.

0872. Have You Ever Heard?

Have you ever sat on a beach or a dock or a jetty and heard the ocean moan or the sea speak? Or have you ever laid your head on a pillow of moss and heard the heartbeat of the earth beneath? Or have you ever stood still on the slopes and heard the slow speech of a mountain? Or have you ever stood silent in a forest and heard the creaking chorus of tree calling out to tree? Or have you ever sat by a brook or stream and heard the lilting voices babbling up from under the burble? Or have you ever sat on the banks of a river with your eyes closed and heard a marching band play? Or have you ever heard the dry laughter behind a rattle of rushes or beneath a litter of leaves? Or have you ever heard the sighs from tall grasses across acres of grain? Or have you ever heard the intimate whispers of a breeze? Or have you ever heard barely audible music carried on the back of the wind? Or have you ever felt the exclamatory thrust of a gust making a fuss? Or have you ever heard an intelligent pattern in the drumbeat of hail, sleet, or rain against your windowpane? Or have you ever heard the articulate crackling of a fire flare into raging fits of pops, spits, and hiss? Or have you ever heard the murmuring harmonics of an oscillating fan? Or have you ever heard an air vent vent or a light bulb meditatively hum?

0873. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter O opus, opulent, opulence, octopus, octagon, ochre, ogre, ogle, oval, ovary, ovarian, ovulate, ovum, oviparous, obvious, oblivious, oblivion, obliterate, obligation, oblige, oblong, oblate, on, off, of, or, ork, ornate, ornithology, ornery, onerous, one, ones, once, only, ounce, ore, orange, orangutan, organism, orgasm, organ, organic, organum, originate, original, orgone, orthogonal, orthodontist, orthography, orthopedics, organize, order, orderly, ordure, odor, odoriferous, odalisque, ozone, opal, opium, opiate, opine, opinion, ovipositor, offal, office, official, officer, orifice, oral, orality, orate, orator, orology, orogeny, ordinance, ordinary, ordinarily, ordination, oats, oath, oak, oaken, ode, okra, otter, octave, octavist, ocular, oculus, occult, occultation, occupation, occupant, occupy, octane, okapi, offend, offense, offensive, offender, owl, ox, oxen, oxtail, oxherd, occipital, ostentatious, osteotomy, osteopath, osprey, oscillate, oscilloscope, ohm, over, overt, overly, oven, ovenbird, oblique, out, outcry, outrage, outer, outed, oink, oil, oily, oleoresin, oleander, olive, ole, olé, old, older, oldest, ouch, our, ours, optometry, optometrist, optimal, optimize, optimism, optimistic, optic, optics, optical, ophthalmology, ophthalmologist, ophidian, obsidian, observe, observer, observant, operate, operation, operator, ought, orrery, ocean, oceanic, oud, ocarina, orca, oracular, oracle, obfuscate, obfuscation, obsequious, obverse, obtuse, obtrusive, object, objection, objective, objectively, owe, owed, own, owner, owned, o’clock, occur, occurring, occurred, oar, oarlock, oversee, overland, ominous, omen, opprobrium, oppose, opposition, oppositional, opera, operatic, other, otherworldly, otherwise, oncology, oncologist, onanism, oaf, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniverse, omniism, orbit, orbital, oubliette, ontology, onto, outpost, outback, outlay, outlier, outlook, outside, outshine, oh, opportunity, opportunist, op-ed, ovine, overview, overwatch, overwinter, overtake, overcome, obstetrics, obstetrician, open, opening, openly, opener, oboe, oriole, orisons, orb, orbicular, ossuary, onion, oni, obi, origami, obituary, odious, odiousness, offer, offeror, opaque, opacity, osculate, omega, odyssey, oust, ouster

0874. Karl Zeeman, Animator

After animating Max Ernst’s Une semaine de bonté, Karl Zeeman was searching for his next project. He looked to Ernst’s La femme 100 têtes and Rêve d'une petite fille qui voulut entrer au Carmel but decided he didn’t want to use Ernst’s work for another project, but rather wanted to strike out in a new direction with a new vision.

Karl Zeeman spoke to his colleagues, friends, and acquaintances and searched through art museums, books, and catalogs for inspiration.

It wasn’t long before he came across all 80 of Goya’s Los caprichos in an edition he owned.

Karl Zeeman became excited as he flipped backwards and forwards through the book, noting the many similar scenes and themes, like the masked woman in No. 2 and No. 6, or the woman carried away in No. 8 and exposed in No. 9, or the woman and man in No. 10 and No. 12. He did it. He found his next movie.

Karl Zeeman tore out the pages and arranged them on the floor so he could see them all at once and better study the story they were telling. He noticed that around half of them took place inside and the other half outside. This would give the film space. There was also the six-panel sequence with the donkey that could anchor another part of the story along with the twenty witch-themed pictures. He had movement, narrative, and structure.

Karl Zeeman rearranged the pictures and smiled with satisfaction.

Scanning them from left to right, he could see the film in his head.

0875. Invention of Destruction

I want to invent a toothpaste that makes your teeth yellow and gives you cavities and halitosis. I want to invent a dental floss that adds plaque to your teeth. I want to invent a liquid, foaming, or bar soap that makes you dirty. I want to invent a scrubbing sponge that strips away your skin. I want to invent a shampoo that leaves residue in your hair. I want to invent a conditioner that makes your hair brittle. I want to invent a deodorant that makes you stink like body odor. I want to invent a powder that makes all your cracks and crevices sweat. I want to invent a hand and body lotion that dries out your skin and makes you ashy. I want to invent a shaving cream that makes your face and body hair impossible to shave. I want to invent a hair gel, mousse, and spray that makes your hair limp and unmanageable. I want to invent a zit cream that gives you more zits. I want to invent a cologne that makes you smell like a clogged toilet. I want to invent a perfume that makes you smell like a corpse flower. I want to invent a bandage that infects your cuts before falling off. I want to invent an aspirin that gives you headaches. I want to invent glasses and contacts that make you blind. I want to invent a type of water that makes you thirsty and dehydrated. I want to invent a type of food that makes you hungry and unsatiated.

0876. Uncles

I come from a relatively large family. Between my father and mother, I had a total of nine uncles and several uncle-like close family friends. This allowed me to interact with a good cross-section of men born between the mid-1940s and the mid-1960s. With few exceptions, they all came across as joyless, angry, and bitter men, trapped by the responsibilities of their careers, households, and marriages. None of them seemed capable of using their circumstances to maintain the neutral buoyancy required to stay afloat on the rough seas of adulthood. Instead, they grew hard and cynical, often allowing the weight of their responsibilities to pull them under.

My uncles never spoke openly with each other about their private sufferings or the systemic and structural problems that made all of their lives difficult. Rather than uniting in solidarity with sufferers of the same plight across the age, race, and class divides, they commiserated with one another as rugged individualists, cursing, pointing and wagging their fingers at the younger, darker, and poorer minorities they believed responsible for their troubles.

Unfortunately, once their woes and the woes of the world were misapplied to these groups, they remained incapable of reapplying them to those actually responsible for their troubles, the older, lighter, and richer minorities. Their misplaced fears and financial precarity made them absurdly obsequious to authority and its power because they believed that that power protected what little they had from being robbed from below.

Never once did they notice how that same authority allowed them to be robbed with impunity from above.

0877. The American Mosaic Project

The American Mosaic Project is a photographic project that uses current demographics and statistics to show us what America actually looks like today. In our isolated lives and individual bubbles, we’re often incapable of seeing beyond our family, friends, and the real and virtual communities we were born into and brought up in to see the true face of America. The American Mosaic Project will allow us to see who we are and what it means to be an American.

The American Mosaic Project will photograph the faces of one hundred individuals each representing one percent of the American population. Each face will represent the ages, genders, races, nationalities, religions, and sexual orientations of the current American demographic.

The faces will be arranged in a ten by ten grid to reveal the complete picture of the diverse American Mosaic in a single glance.

The American Mosaic Project will be updated every decade to mark the increasing diversity of America.

In order to complete the American Mosaic Project, we’ll need to build the American Mosaic Coalition, a co-operative platform that connects people from diverse struggling communities across America, opens a dialogue between them, and allows their members to come together in solidarity to mutually support and aid each other in their fight for social justice reform.

The American Mosaic Coalition welcomes everyone. No person or community is excluded under its H.U.N.D.R.E.D.% acrostic: Humility Unity Non-violence Diversity Respect Equality Dignity This reads: Humility in Unity, Non-Violence in Diversity, Respect for Equality and Dignity for 100% of the people 100% of the time.

0878. To Publish Is to Make Public

Every now and again, I’ll have one of those surprise etymological moments when I make the connection between the shared roots of two words. When this happens, it’s startling in two ways: The first is because I made the connection. My cartoonish response to this goes something like this: My eyes widen and I raise a finger and exclaim, “Aha!” as the light bulb goes on over my head.

The second is because the connection was so glaringly obvious that I wonder if there’s something wrong with my brain in not having been able to glean it sooner. My cartoonish response to that goes something like this: The light bulb over my head fades to black and I fall silent as my finger goes limp and I frown and hang my head to stare shamefully at my shoes. Then, I get over myself and move on and pocket the useless tidbit of knowledge I just gained. Or, in this case, I write a story about it.

Anyway, the other day, I was thinking about how I’m getting close to finishing these stories and how I’ll begin the process of editing and book design and layout while researching the best way to set up my website to make the stories available online and how to get the book printed and thought: This is almost ready to be published!

And as I turned the word ‘publish’ over in my mind, I finally understood that ‘to publish’ means ‘to make public.’ The etymology traces itself back to the Latin publicus, meaning, obviously, ‘public.’

0879. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letters P & Q publish, public, pubic, pelican, pencil, pad, paw, parlor, parrot, parole, parasol, paranormal, parachute, paraplegic, parricide, parishioner, parish, par, pardon, partner, partition, particle, parlance, parley, parsley, parsnip, parson, person, personal, personhood, persevere, perspicacity, perspiration, perception, percent, perjure, purgatory, purge, puke, pus, pusillanimous, puce, pox, potent, portent, portmanteau, portly, port, pork, portal, poodle, puddle, paddle, pedal, petal, penal, penile, penury, penumbra, penultimate, pen, pentagon, pentagram, pent, pant, pants, panther, penguin, pangolin, pangs, pan, pa, pee, peer, pier, peerless, pest, pestiferous, pesky, pew, perpetrator, peep, peel, peen, peat, pea, pear, perch, porch, parched, park, pond, ponder, pander, panda, pandemonium, pancreas, palaver, palate, pallet, pall, poll, pole, pool, pearl, percolate, patrol, patricide, patrician, pediatrician, pedestrian, predation, predator, prey, pray, prayer, praise, pellucid, pell-mell, pelt, plate, platitudes, platter, placate, plane, plain, play, player, plaid, plod, poop, pupa, pupate, pupil, puppy, pepperoni, pepperoncini, pepper, popper, picker, packer, pecker, peck, pack, pick, pop, poppy, peep, peepers, peelers, pasta, past, pass, passerine, periscope, periodontist, pervert, perversion, prevaricate, prevalent, previous, preview, prestidigitation, prodigious, prodigy, prodigal, propane, propensity, property, properly, prosperous, prosperity, proctology, practice, practical, piratical, pyromaniac, pyometrium, pyre, peregrine, peregrination, picosecond, pica, picnic, pill, pilgrim, pillage, palliative, palace, palatial, pelagic, pelvis, petrify, petroglyph, petrol, perishable, persuade, ptarmigan, pterodactyl, polydactylic qualia, quality, qualify, qualification, quarter, quarantine, quarternary, quasar, quasi, quack, quota, quotation, quote, quotient, quotable, quorum, quagga, quagmire, quad, quadriceps, quadruped, quintessence, quick, quick-witted, quill, quip, quarry, quandary, quiver, quaver, quiz, quid, quo, qua, quam, quantum, quanta, quart, quark, quire, quit, quilt, quell, quest, quiet, quiescence, quietude, quite, quinine, quintuplets, quash, qualm, quale, quail, quaff, quiff, quim, queen, queer, queue

0880. Penis Vagina

So we were floating naked in space like incandescent angels. We had just separated from a post-coital embrace and were holding each other’s hands at arm’s length, sexual energy coursing through the closed circuit of our connection.

She pushed off and floated away from me, smiling all the way. She stopped when I could see her whole body. Then, her vagina extended out and away from her like an enormous penis. Looking down, my penis had grown to match hers and I knew without being able to see it that the hole had become envaginated.

I flew towards her and the tips of our flexible penis vaginas touched and began probing each other with something like sentience. When our penis vaginas kissed and grew moist, she asked me if I would like to go inside or around her. Having just been inside her, I decided to go around.

My penis vagina reacted immediately, growing in size to accommodate her girth as it slid over the top of her. We held hands to stay together in the void and I began working my hips. Waves of ecstasy pulsed through my body. Then, she slowly began to work her hips and I slowly began to hold still. When I realized that she was penetrating me, I recalled my penis vagina back inside.

As we embraced, I remember thinking how remarkable it was that our penis vaginas allowed us to change gender so fluidly. In our coital dance we went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, balanced, loving, and equal.

0881. Slew Slews of Sloos

We were tasked with the noble mission of going to Slooland to bring freedom and democracy to the savage Sloos. Before deploying, we were told the Sloos were a backward people who had somehow managed to build weapons that threatened our freedom and democracy.

So, we went into their country and righteously slew slews of Sloos. Our company was the most killingest in all the military. We called ourselves the triple S. We were respected by all the other companies and feared and hated by the Sloos. They tried to get revenge, but we interrupted their plans and murdered them to a man, woman, and child. Fighting wasn’t fighting; it was slaughter.

It took me time to see through the lies we were told about the Sloos.

Other than their religion, language, and culture, they were a lot like us.

There were, of course, some bad Sloos, but most of them were good. They had families that they loved and worked hard to support and protect.

The military’s core mission is to generate hate, but seeing the Sloos as people like me, allowed me to break free. For my own safety, I couldn’t tell anyone about it and had to keep quiet. Outside, I showed no emotion.

Inside, my heart hurt until it broke.

We weren’t in Slooland to bring freedom and democracy; we were there to extract their wealth. We killed and died to make a few rich people richer. And whenever we asked for anything, during or after the war, we were ignored or met with friendly fire.

0882. Old McDonald in the Dell

Old McDonald in the dell Old McDonald in the dell Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

The bank reclaimed the cow The bank reclaimed the cow Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

In the dell he had a house In the dell he had a house Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

The bank reclaimed the barn The bank reclaimed the barn Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

In the house he had a wife In the house he had a wife Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

The bank reclaimed the farm The bank reclaimed the farm Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

His wife, she had their child His wife, she had their child Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

The bank reclaimed the house The bank reclaimed the house Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

Old McDonald had a farm Old McDonald had a farm Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

His wife left with their child His wife left with their child Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

On the farm he had a barn On the farm he had a barn Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

Old McDonald stood alone Old McDonald stood alone Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

In the barn he had a cow In the barn he had a cow Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

Old McDonald took his life Old McDonald took his life Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

The cow, she made the milk The cow, she made the milk Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O! But no one bought the milk But no one bought the milk Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O! The milk was thrown away The milk was thrown away Hi-ho, the derry-o, E-I-E-I-O!

0883. How Much Wood Would a Woodpecker Peck?

I saw my first pair of pileated woodpeckers today. I took the dogs out for a pee and saw a pair swoop up into a tree. They were so large that I thought they were crows. But when I saw the bright red tufted gnome’s caps on the back of their heads, I knew they were pileateds. Pileatus is Latin for ‘cap.’

The pileated woodpecker is the second largest woodpecker in North America behind the critically endangered, and by some reports extinct, ivory-billed woodpecker. The pileated woodpecker averages an impressive 18 inches in height.

The woodpecker I see daily is the red-bellied woodpecker. The redbellied woodpecker has the worst name of any woodpecker. Well, maybe the yellow-bellied sapsucker has the worst name of any woodpecker because its name makes it sound like a bootlicking coward. Let me modify what I wrote: The red-bellied woodpecker has the second worst name of any woodpecker because its most distinctive feature on the male is a punk-like red stripe running from its beak over its head and down its neck where it changes into this funky horizontal zebra striping. The female looks like a punk who shaved the top of her head and left the hair at the back of her head and the base of her neck dyed red. These are the redbellied woodpecker’s most distinctive feature, not the small spot of red on its belly, which is almost never visible because it’s usually pressed against a tree. The red-bellied woodpecker averages 9 inches in height, making the pileated woodpecker twice its size.

0884. It Wasn’t the Killing

“It wasn’t the killing. No, it was the — No. Let me take that back and try again. The killing was terrible. All killing is, especially this kind of killing. But the killing, when it finally happened, was quick. That’s what I was trying to say. After being tortured, the killing was merciful. You understand what I mean, right? I don’t want to sound like an insensitive monster here. But watching that thing dance around it and stab at it and enrage it was just awful. Especially when I knew that it would never be able to hit it back. It was just too fast. You should’ve seen the mantismonkey dancing and circling it like it was having fun. That’s what I didn’t like about it. It looked like it was toying with it and enjoying itself. Like it knew it was playing with its prey, like it liked torturing it before killing it. And whenever the ant-ape took a swipe at it, it just ducked and dodged and — What do the fighters call it? Weave and bob? Or is it bob and weave? Whatever. It just bobbed and weaved and stabbed at its arm with its long, pointy mantis claws? You should’ve seen the poor thing’s forearms running red with blood. I could see the ant-ape was getting tired, worn out, and frustrated. I knew it knew it was going to die. And look, I know it was there to kill us and all, but I have to say, seeing it killed like that, I kinda felt sorry for it.”

0885. Ouspensky’s Ashtray

“I don’t know if this has ever happened to you before, but, there I was, outside, smoking a cigarette, and I knew I was high because everything had that glow to it, that aura, and as I took a drag and felt the smoke pull into my lungs, I could feel my lungs down to the individual alveoli, and I could feel the smoke inside each of them, and the nicotine diffusing into my blood stream, and my heart pumping the nicotine throughout my entire body and out to my fingers that were holding the cigarette.

That’s when I popped back outside of myself and laughed out loud when I became aware of my cigarette once again. It was like I had taken this circular ride, and I felt the nicotine buzz on top of the buzz of my high and I wanted to take the ride again. So, I took another drag, and my consciousness followed the smoke into my lungs, and followed the nicotine out to my fingertips that held the cigarette. It was so much fun, I did it again and again, until I noticed that no matter how much I smoked the cigarette, it wasn’t burning down. And I thought to myself, maybe this is the slowest burning cigarette in the history of the universe. And then I looked closely at the cigarette and realized that it was the universe, that it contained everything that ever was and everything that would ever be.”

“We’ve had something similar happen to us too. We call it Ouspensky’s Ashtray.”

0886. The Elephant Graveyard

When you have the memory of a circus elephant, and live as long as one too, your memory is a graveyard of the abuse sufferd at the hands of mahouts. The cruel hooks, points, and chains that they use to beat you into obedience and prod you aboard a train and into a narrow cage that takes you out to sea far away from your mother and family. There, another unknown mahout beats you to board a boat and walk blind into a hold where you’re lashed fast for many miserable weeks. When you finally leave that dark hell to see the light of day once more, you find yourself thousands of miles away on a foreign shore with sights and smells never seen or smelled before. And immediately you’re pressed into service at a circus where a pale mahout begins to train you to perform repetitive tricks.

But should you shunt your duties and fail to listen to his commands, he hits you on the ear and chin, makes you stop, and rebegin, over and over, again and again. And if you get frustrated and angry or refuse to obey, he’ll hit you with the electroshock prod until he gets his way. And you do this your entire life, until you’re too old to be of use, or turn violent from the isolation and abuse. Then, they shoot you or try to electrocute you to death. To stay alive in these conditions with your dignity intact, you need thick skin to survive, and pachyderms, unfortunately, are born with that.

0887. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter R rascal, rapscallion, rap, rapport, report, reportage, retreat, requiem, retry, return, retard, rotund, rotary, radial, radiance, radiograph, radio, radium, radix, radicle, radical, rad, rotogravure, rotor, rotund, rip, ripple, riparian, rid, rod, red, rose, rode, ride, rider, rye, ripe, right, rime, rhyme, rim, ram, rob, robe, robber, ruble, rubber, rudder, ruddy, rum, rust, rush, rash, reap, reaper, reliquary, relic, release, relapse, relate, relent, relearn, read, reed, reef, ream, rear, retina, reticulate, reticence, retry, reticulum, rectum, rumen, ruminate, rumor, rude, rule, ruler, rugose, rag, ragù, raid, rare, rarely, random, radiator, race, raze, resume, résumé, rescue, restart, recharge, regulate, regulator, regurgitate, residence, residue, restitution, remuneration, reserve, retract, real, reality, restructure, resolve, rib, rig, ridge, regard, riposte, risk, rise, rising, raise, roast, roam, rogue, rain, rail, rape, repair, relief, receive, reduce, reuse, recycle, return, referee, reference, refer, reefer, recreation, recrimination, reconciliation, reconsider, romance, rosin, roster, raster, ranger, rump, ramp, ran, run, rang, rung, runt, rant, rat, raid, ray, rue, row, raw, raucous, ruckus, rumpus, romp, rope, ripe, retrograde, retroactive, reprobate, reprioritize, recent, regent, reagent, regular, regiment, registrar, rex, rhodium, rhododendron, ruse, rube, rhesus, recess, regress, road, rolled, roll, rote, roti, rate, raffle, riffraff, riff, rage, rate, relate, relative, relationship, rebuke, rebus, rebar, rebel, rebellion, redeemer, redeem, redo, revere, reverb, reverse, revile, revenant, revolution, revolt, revolting, revert, revamp, reconstitute, resin, raisin, raising, razor, resolve, resolution, res, rest, rabbit, rabid, rabbi, ribbon, river, rave, ravenous, raven, revenge, repartee, repatriate, replicate, replication, reptile, repercussion, repurpose, restaurant, rhizome, rhizomatic, riddle, rattle, rabble, rubble, rouser, roster, rooster, rood, rouge, roulette, room, roommate, rent, ruth, ruthless, rather, racquet, racket, rocket, rock

0888. Werner Herzog Filmography

1968: Signs of Life; 1969: The Flying Doctors of East Africa; 1970: Even Dwarves Started Small; 1971: Fata Morgana; Handicapped Future; Land of Silence and Darkness; 1972: Aguirre, the Wrath of God; 1974: The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser; The Great Ecstasy of Woodcarver Steiner; 1976: How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck; Heart of Glass; 1977: Stroszek; 1981: Huie’s Sermon; God’s Angry Man; 1982: Fitzcarraldo; 1984: Where the Green Ants Dream; Ballad of the Little Soldier; 1985: The Dark Glow of the Mountains; 1987: Cobra Verde; 1989: Herdsmen of the Sun; 1990: Echoes from a Sombre Empire; 1991: Jag Mandir; Scream of Stone; 1992: Lessons of Darkness; 1993: Bells from the Deep; 1994: The Transformation of the World into Music; 1995: Gesualdo: Death in Five Voices; 1996: Little Dieter Needs to Fly; 1998: Wings of Hope; 1999: My Best Fiend; 2001: Invincible; 2003: Wheel of Time; 2004: The White Diamond; 2005: Grizzly Man; The Wild Blue Yonder; 2006: Rescue Dawn; 2007: Encounters at the End of the World; 2009: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans; My Son, My Son, What Have You Done; 2010: Happy People: A Year in the Taiga; Cave of Forgotten Dreams; 2011: Into the Abyss; 2012: On Death Row; 2015: Queen of the Desert; 2016: Salt and Fire; Lo and Behold, Reveries of the Connected World; Into the Inferno; 2018: Meeting Gorbachev; 2019: Nomad: In the Footsteps of Bruce Chatwin; Family Romance, LLC Note: All of the Werner Herzog full-length feature films and documentaries I’ve seen as of today, June 25, 2020, are in bold.

0889. Content with Media

There is a lot of content on offer today. Media is reality chopped up and reassembled into a narrative of sound, word, and/or image and projected back into reality as its interpretation. In this way, media is similar to the selective editing process of our conscious perception. Confronting media is the same as confronting the consciousness or consciousnesses of the person or persons who created it. Most importantly though, media is the place, the literal medium, where a remote dialogue happens between you and the creator(s). And like any dialogue, you can discover the breadth and depth of the creator(s) understanding as well as your own.

To make media work for you, you have to be part of the conversation.

Unlike its creator(s), media doesn’t care if you dialogue with it. In this manner, media is very much like nature. You can dialogue with nature, and commune and communicate with it, but it has to be initiated by you.

Nature can initiate, but when it does, it almost always does in the form of a disaster. Sadly, it’s only when the sky is falling that we become aware of nature. But nature, like media, is always ready to be engaged. The only thing required is your participation.

Ask yourself: Are you actively engaging with media or passively consuming it? Media is the bridge between people and nature. Media is story. Whether the medium is music, poetry, literature, art, or film, it’s on you to engage. This is why I’m content with media. It’s the middle way between nature and people.

0890. An “An” Before the Aitch of History?

What’s with some American writers putting an “an” before history? Does this make sense to anybody writing in American English today?

The reason I’m asking is because whenever I come across this, I have to stop reading and do a double take. It just sounds wrong.

But before I get into that, let’s cover the difference between the indefinite articles “a” and “an” and the simple rule of their use. The indefinite article is chosen based on the initial sound of the adjacent noun.

If the sound is a consonant, then “a” is used. If the sound is a vowel, then “an” is used. For example: “a writer” and “an idiot.”

Now that that’s understood, let me grouse a bit about this “problem” that I come across often enough that I needed to write about it. I was reading an article yesterday by a very American writer who wrote “an history,” not once, but twice.

When I pronounce the word “history,” I pronounce the aitch as a consonant. So, it sounds like “his-tory.” This is how all writers and speakers of American English pronounce it. For those writing in British English, it may sound like “’istory” and therefore writing “an ’istory” might makes sense. But since we say his-tory in America, “a history” is the only way to write it.

Comparatively, the aitch is silent in the word honor. Honor sounds like “’onor” and an “an” should be used. For example: “It’s an honor to correct you.”

American English writers, please stop using an “an” before the aitch of history.

0891. Hunter Green

When I was born, the colors of the day were orange, avocado, and chocolate. I don’t remember how it transitioned into the gaudy neons and stark black and whites of the 1980s. I don’t know how color fashions change. Maybe I just don’t know how and where to look. It seems that they either change overnight or with a slowness that’s so slow it’s almost impossible to see. But once it’s there, a color or color palette is everywhere.

I remember when hunter green became a thing. Suddenly, hunter green was everywhere. It looked rich, especially when accented with gold, beige, burgundy, or black. I loved this color. I wanted everything to be hunter green.

I remember flipping out when my father brought home a hunter green Ford Taurus. I flipped out because the car was hunter green not because it was a Ford Taurus. The color was so popular in our family that we had a hunter green tub, toilet, and sink. I think we all loved hunter green.

But now, whenever I see hunter green on cars or in homes, I think: This car is old or that home hasn’t been updated since the 1990s. It’s funny how colors date things. It all seems to happen so fast, maybe within the span of a decade, which seems like a long time, but isn’t. It seems that as fast as a color and everything made with that color are in style is as fast as that color and everything made with that color are out of date and style.

0892. Kimmera, Northern City

Kimmera, Northern City is a story about the stress that the hyperborean city of Kimmera and its large population has placed on its surrounding environment. As the natural resources required to feed, clothe, and house all of the clans dwindles to nothing, rebellion begins to stir amongst the lesser and least clans, who are forced to continue paying heavy taxes and tithes to their Tri-Clan leaders. Their growing discontent and rage have made them put aside their petty differences and clandestinely unite against their common enemy, the Tri-Clan power structure that dominates their lives and forces them into squalor, hunger, and misery, and keeps them locked in a cycle of perpetual servitude.

Meanwhile, tensions between the ruling warriors of the Tri-Clan: the Bears, Cougars, and Wolves, are increasing daily, especially between the Wolves and the Bears. The Wolf Clan wants to topple the powerful Bear Clan and is willing to do anything to accomplish this. As pressure from the lower clans mount and King Bear fails to produce the son prophesized to unite them all, they may just get their chance.

The Tri-Clan hierarchy is as follows: 1. Bear

2. Wolverine 3. Badger 4. Raccoon

1. Cougar 2. Bobcat 3. Lynx 4. Cat

1. Wolf 2. Dog 3. Coyote 4. Fox

The lesser clans surrounding the greater clans are Bison, Moose, Mountain Goat, Bighorn Sheep, Elk, Caribou, Porcupine, Beaver, Boar And the least clans surrounding the lesser clans are Skunk, Otter, Weasel, Fisher, Mink, Marten, Opossum, Rabbit, Squirrel, Gopher, Muskrat, Marmot, Woodchuck, Lemming, Pikas, Rats, Chipmunks, Voles, Shrews, Mice, Moles.

0893. A New Way to Travel

I had a fantastic dream where we no longer used airplanes to travel.

Instead, the way we traveled from place to place was to float up into the sky and let the Earth turn beneath us.

I never looked above me to see what allowed for this type of travel, but I imagine it was probably a personal hot air balloon or a lightweight four-propeller drone or something like that.

The reason I didn’t look up was because I was too busy watching the Earth pull away from my feet. As I rose up from a clearing in a forest that stretched out in all directions, I remembered thinking there was no longer a need for airports. Then, I was up in the clouds, holding my altitude, and watching the Earth slowly turn beneath my feet.

I knew that wherever I wanted to go, I only had to navigate north and south as the Earth turned east to west. This made western travel the fastest, but this new form of travel is such a lazy and gentle way of travelling that no one would be in a rush to get to their destination. I mean, when you’re hanging out in the clouds and sunshine and watching the Earth slowly turn beneath you, are you really in a rush to leave that behind to get somewhere else?

In the future, when our great forests have returned, I can’t imagine people ever wanting to leave their homes all that often. But whenever they did, what an awesome way they’d have to travel.

0894. Stopping and Looking at Our Animality and Humanity Sometimes we need to stop what we’re doing and look at the big picture.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in our everyday struggles and forget where we’ve come from and where we’re going. I always forget that we, collectively, as a global people, have a destiny. That’s why I say we need to stop what we’re doing and look at the big picture. When we do this, we can learn to forgive each other and ourselves, because, collectively, as a global people, we’re still quite young.

It wasn’t all that long ago that we were animals. Looking at the big picture helps us see and remember that. We were animals, and, in many ways, still are. But our consciousness makes us something more. We’re something that is animal and not animal at the same time: We’re human.

To be human is to be both animal and not animal simultaneously. And as our consciousness expands, we’re also becoming something else, perhaps something greater than human. You can see it in our cultural evolution.

We’re struggling to become something greater than animal, something that leaves animality behind to transcend into something higher.

I don’t know if we’re trying to become human or if we’re trying to become something more than human. It may be that humanity is an intermediary stage between animality and a higher state of being and living.

I don’t know. What I do know is that we’re all struggling to become that thing and it’s easy to forget when we don’t take the time to stop and look.

0895. A New Mythology for a Global People

It’s only when we stop and look at the big picture, when we see our animality and our humanity, when we see our youthfulness as a collective global people, that we can place our personal everyday struggles into a larger context and mythology.

In order to evolve into the next higher stage of being and living, we have to overcome the animality of our past. This is what every religion means when they tell us to give up our bodies and the things of this world for the next. This is a very literal request. Consciousness can only expand and grow when it gives up the animality of the body, when it gives up the destructive mythology of the ego and the survival of the self.

It’s only when we understand, at our core, that we’re all connected, that consciousness is allowed to evolve into the next higher stage of humanity or post-humanity.

This transformation doesn’t come without a struggle. That’s why we’re fighting an existential battle against the forces of darkness and death. That’s why the lords of rapacious greed, and the climate collapse they’ve engineered, have been arrayed against us. That’s why the most powerful military and police forces in the history of the world have been set against us. That’s why the most insidiously corrupting and cancerous forms of control have been designed to infiltrate us.

The time for change is here, and we’re either going to lose and backslide into aggressive, competitive animality and extinction, or we’re going to win and survive and become something greater.

0896. Letting Our Cynicism Become Syncretism

I wanted to expand on the point I made about religion in the previous story. I wrote: This is what every religion means when they tell us to give up our bodies and the things of this world for the next. I know reading this seems to suggest something spiritually abstract and esoteric. I also know that many don’t want to get involved in the oppressive histories and calcified dogmas of religion. But I ask that we stop and look at the big picture of religion just like we did with our timeline. From the safe distance of this view, we can, hopefully, for a moment, let our cynicism become syncretism, and see that all religions are teaching us how to expand our consciousness beyond the animality of our bodies and our individual needs and desires.

At root, all religions are teaching us how to become more loving, humble, and open. When we start embracing each other as brothers and sisters no matter how different we look or sound to each other, we’re expanding our consciousnesses and opening ourselves up to a wider inclusivity until it eventually envelops and accepts all people, animals, plants, the Earth, our solar system, and the entire universe. The expansiveness of our consciousness and its all-embracing love is limitless.

No factionalism or class system can become a barrier to it unless we allow it. We decide if we want life or death, peace or war, wisdom or ignorance, community or isolation. Religion points the way, if we rise far enough above it to see it.

0897. On Reason and Will

Let’s dial down on a specific text here to understand what I mean about giving up our bodies and the things of this world for the next. Let’s look at the Cloud of Unknowing, a mystical text written in England some time in the late 1300s.

The unknown author of the Cloud asks his student to place himself between the Cloud of Forgetting, where his bodily excesses have been hidden beneath him, and the Cloud of Unknowing, where God Himself is hidden above him. The student must place his excesses into the Cloud of Forgetting so that he can open himself up to the Cloud of Unknowing.

To do this, the student must rely on his Reason and Will, which work for the spirit, instead of his Imagination and Sensuality, which work for the body. Reason is the power to discern between evil and good, the worst and the best. Will is the power to choose the good and the best. Imagination and Sensuality both work to provide the needs for the health and survival of the body, but they also work to lead the mind and body into destructive excesses. Reason and Will allow the student to discern and select the former and deny the latter. With the needs of the body taken care of and their excesses covered by the Cloud of Forgetting, the student can turn fully to the Cloud of Unknowing. Giving up the body and the things of this world does not mean death or annihilation, or complete abstinence and mortification, but moderation and control.

0898. Our Three Choices

We stand between the Cloud of Forgetting and the Cloud of Unknowing.

The consumption model of neoliberal capitalism requires us to perpetually purchase goods and services. In order for neoliberal capitalism to survive, we have to keep consuming to excess. Every time we’re lured into real and virtual malls to shop, we allow it to grow stronger at the expense of the people and planet it subjugates and oppresses for production and profit.

Here, we’re faced with three choices: The first is to give in to the consumption model and buy to excess. The second is to give up consumption altogether and refuse to buy anything at all. The third is to give up conspicuous consumption and buy what’s needed with moderation and control.

Staying with the terminology of the Cloud: The first choice goes too far in one direction by promoting excesses of the Imagination and Sensuality, the mind and body. The second choice goes too far in the other direction by denying everything to the mind and body. The third choice uses Reason and Will to discern and choose what is good for the mind and body.

The third choice allows for trade and markets to exist without destroying people and the planet. It allows us to maintain a healthy mind and body while scaling back the excessive consumption that is destroying us. With our excesses in the Cloud of Forgetting, we can turn fully to the Cloud of Unknowing, which is the expansion of consciousness to embrace everyone and everything in the universe, which means embracing God.

0899. Let’s Start Listing Words Starting With the Letter S séance, seen, saw, sward, sword, sworn, soiree, swarthy, suave, squid, squib, squire, squelch, squash, squamous, scute, scullery, skull, skald, skill, ski, sky, skewer, school, score, scorn, squirrel, squeak, sequin, sequential, sequence, square, squalid, squall, scale, sail, sale, sell, sold, scold, solder, soldier, solemn, sultan, sultanas, salacious, salary, salt, salute, salad, salami, salaam, salamander, sawyer, see, sea, seethe, seed, siege, six, sixty, sex, socks, sarcophagus, snarky, shark, shank, shard, shart, sharp, share, shear, sheen, shoal, shave, shiv, shift, shrimp, shrike, strike, struck, stone, stole, stoic, story, stork, stark, stuck, stump, stoat, store, stove, stave, stamp, sty, stripe, strive, straight, strung, street, screed, squawk, scone, sewn, shale, shell, shelf, shop, shape, shove, shore, ship, shaft, shift, sift, sight, sire, sure, shorn, short, surface, surplus, surrogate, surly, surprise, serpent, sergeant, serge, surge, soup, soap, sap, sup, sun, sand, sandwich, sandal, sandalwood, sunder, send, sentience, sententious, sentry, servant, severe, sever, saver, savor, savory, samovar, same, sample, salt, saltpeter, sole, soul, sorghum, sordid, sorbet, subordinate, submarine, suburb, superb, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, supernal, sugar, sucrose, scarecrow, scare, scarred, scab, scarab, scallywag, scullion, scallion, sturgeon, surgeon, surmount, survive, survivor, savior, starve, star, stargaze, start, stop, stall, stoke, stack, stank, stunk, sunk, suck, sack, sick, scrivener, scribble, scrofulous, scrotum, scry, scandal, scan, scald, scope, scathe, scythe, sigh, sigil, sickle, stickle, stick, stem, storm, sport, spore, spoke, spout, spend, spare, space, spade, spate, spat, spit, spear, speed, sheet, shack, shock, shuck, shut, shit, shite, she, secular, second, sectarian, sect, saeculum, speculum, speck, spark, spell, spelt, spurt, splurge, splash, splat, spar, sparrow, scour, skeptic, septic, septum, separate, sepulcher, sophist, sophisticated, siphon, syzygy

0900. Down the Final Stretch

If you’ve been reading from the beginning, you probably know that I like to occasionally stop and take a look around to see where I’m at. 900 is a beautiful number and seems significant. So, I’ll stop here for a minute and take a look at the ending that’s coming up fast, because, like everything else in life, it’ll be here before I know it.

At 900, it feels like I’m standing on the foothills with the mountain to my back. It’s daytime, calm and sunny, and I’m squinting my eyes to see into the distance. I’m not trying to see the ending, because the ending’s already written. I’m trying to see beyond the ending. But from here, I can’t see anything. I know the road continues on beyond the end, but I don’t know if I’ll be on it. This makes me uneasy.

Clasping my hands behind my back, I begin to pace and try to imagine what’s beyond the ending. Will I keep writing these stories? Will I tell my other stories in this format? I don’t know. My inner eye’s blind too. Frustrated, I stop pacing and try one last time to see beyond the ending with my outer eyes. Again, I can only see the ending. But I have my answer. I don’t like it, because it’s the same answer as always: You’ll figure it out when you get there.

With a quick glance back at the mountain, I start walking, knowing that my journey of a thousand li will soon end with a final step.

About A Thousand Stories Reader, I wanted you to know that I started writing this book as a collection of science fiction, slipstream, and fantasy stories with some horror, humor, and romance mixed in. But as the book and I deepened our dialogue, we realized that the format was perfect for pretty much anything. This makes the book impossible to categorize because it now includes: abstracts, acrostics, album reviews, alternative histories, analyses, anatomies, aphorisms, artworks, apotheoses, autobiographies, autozoëographies, biographies, blessings, board games, book reviews, business ideas, calendars, catalogs, chronicles, codes, color themes, comic skits, comics, commentaries, confessions, constrained writings, curses, designs, dialogues, dreams, economic commentaries, etymologies, eulogies, examples, exegeses, experiences, explanations, exposés, fairy tales, fake album reviews, fashion critiques, films, filmographies, forewords, formulas, F.A.Q.s, grammars, guides, hagiographies, histories, instructions, interviews, introductions, inventions, jokes, journal entries, legends, lessons, letters, letters to the editor, lists, lists, and more lists, lyrics, magic spells, mantras, manuals, marquees, maxims, memento moris, memories, menus, messages, metacommentaries, metafictions, metaphysics, monologues, morality tales, mottoes, musings, mysteries, mythologies, notes, oaths, observations, oracles, orders, parables, performances, philosophies, phone calls, pitches, plays, plots, poems, polemics, political commentaries, prayers, predictions, products, product histories, projects, propositions, prose poems, provenances, P.S.A.s, puns, reflections, religious commentaries, reminiscences, reports, requirements, revelations, routines, rubrics, ruminations, rules, sayings, scripts, shows, sketches, social commentaries, songs, strategies, studies, tarot readings, tasting notes, theories, tour guides, transcripts, transmissions, trialogues, trial logs, urban legends, utoposcales, visualizations, websites, westerns, wishes, word plays, and word salads. Essentially, it’s a book that’s a composite of me, and the time and place in which it was written.

Hope you enjoy.

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